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  #51  
Old 12-29-2016, 02:32 PM
Amateur Barbarian Amateur Barbarian is offline
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Originally Posted by Chimera View Post
Well, if your whole life was just leading up to this awesome wedding that you had planned for yourself, you might want to hang onto the pictures.
Just a jumping-off point, but -

My first long-time partner had a friend whose entire life was about her wedding. As she was about 26, snotty, judgmental and unattractive (thick glasses in an ugly style, 1950s hairdo, and the kind of +30 pounds that looks awful) - not to mention unattached and may never have been attached - it was just a trifle pathetic. The times we'd socialize, she never stopped talking about her hope chest and what was being made for it and how many sets of linens she had and all of this other positively Victoria blather. Yet she seemed actively terrified of men - was hostile to me unless I just let her orbit my "wife" without interference and stayed out of the conversations, visibly reacted if a guy walked within ten feet of her, talked to clerks and doormen by looking at her feet, etc.

She was more normal than that might sound; I don't think she had any social condition or touch of mental illness. But her entire waking, breathing life was about Her Wedding, and nothing else. Not even a husband or married life or kids or even a divorce... just The Wedding.
  #52  
Old 12-29-2016, 04:40 PM
kunilou kunilou is offline
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Agreed. I was Best Man for a friend from high school and as such, was in charge of the book. You knew things were doomed when family members were placing bets along with the ushers and bridesmaids.
When my 18-year old nephew and his 16-year old girlfriend ("But we're in loooooooove!") got married, even the parents were placing bets.

At the reception, the best man (the groom's older brother) started his toast with, "Well, they did it. Just like they said they would."

Less than a year.
  #53  
Old 12-29-2016, 05:40 PM
JHBoom JHBoom is offline
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One of my cousins delayed her second wedding for over 2hrs. The whole delay time, her 2 sisters were trying to tell her to "just do it and get it over with; it's just nerves, it'll all work out fine." She eventually appeared, walked down the aisle (making several snide comments about her husband-to-be as she stopped to talk to people along the aisle), and "got it over with".

Over within two years.

------------

An uncle was marrying a woman whose parents were somewhat well-off. All our previous interactions with her for the previous year or so were pleasant, and she seemed very nice. She was the host of a local nighttime talk radio show that dealt with relationships, and "The Wedding" had been a frequent topic of discussion on the show. The reception was at a very nice reception facility - nice to the tune of $80,000+ (another uncle happened to overhear the bride's father discussing the reception's cost with another guest). All seemed to be going well until the cutting of the cake - when my uncle went to do the traditional cake-to-the-face on her, she snarled something to him with a finger in his face, that silenced the guests close by them. It was a brief moment, but it looked very ugly... and it turned out to be the first sign of things to come.

Over within three years.
  #54  
Old 12-29-2016, 08:05 PM
nearwildheaven nearwildheaven is online now
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Originally Posted by DigitalC View Post
I don't understand why a couple splitting up wants the wedding album in the first place.
Sometimes they want them for the kids.

My parents don't have a wedding album because the photographer accidentally ruined the film while developing it. (Several people said they should have sued; all they wanted was their money back, which they did get.) When my sister was a teenager, she asked why she had never seen their wedding album, and I thought really fast and told her that they were never really married - that they had just been living together all these years and we were illegitimate. I then said, "No, that's not true. They're married!" and then explained what had happened.

I later told our mother about this, and she said that my sister was wanting them to get divorced because she was being teased at school for having married parents. This was in the late 1980s, BTW.
  #55  
Old 12-29-2016, 08:58 PM
Pai325 Pai325 is offline
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Originally Posted by JHBoom View Post
One of my cousins delayed her second wedding for over 2hrs. The whole delay time, her 2 sisters were trying to tell her to "just do it and get it over with; it's just nerves, it'll all work out fine." She eventually appeared, walked down the aisle (making several snide comments about her husband-to-be as she stopped to talk to people along the aisle), and "got it over with".

Over within two years.

------------

An uncle was marrying a woman whose parents were somewhat well-off. All our previous interactions with her for the previous year or so were pleasant, and she seemed very nice. She was the host of a local nighttime talk radio show that dealt with relationships, and "The Wedding" had been a frequent topic of discussion on the show. The reception was at a very nice reception facility - nice to the tune of $80,000+ (another uncle happened to overhear the bride's father discussing the reception's cost with another guest). All seemed to be going well until the cutting of the cake - when my uncle went to do the traditional cake-to-the-face on her, she snarled something to him with a finger in his face, that silenced the guests close by them. It was a brief moment, but it looked very ugly... and it turned out to be the first sign of things to come.

Over within three years.
If my husband had tried the cake to the face with me, it would have been over in five minutes.

You are talking about smashing the cake in her face, right? I've never seen that happen in a marriage that's lasted. Different traditions for different people, I guess, but my family would have been horrified.
  #56  
Old 12-29-2016, 09:57 PM
Seanette Seanette is offline
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You are talking about smashing the cake in her face, right? I've never seen that happen in a marriage that's lasted. Different traditions for different people, I guess, but my family would have been horrified.
DH and I solidly agreed that that was totally unappealing and inappropriate. We did the more dignified "feed each other a bit" thing.
  #57  
Old 12-29-2016, 11:15 PM
IvoryTowerDenizen IvoryTowerDenizen is offline
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DH and I solidly agreed that that was totally unappealing and inappropriate. We did the more dignified "feed each other a bit" thing.
Us, too, except I ended with dabbing a bit of cake on his nose. The smashing thing I'll never understand.
  #58  
Old 12-30-2016, 12:06 AM
RivkahChaya RivkahChaya is offline
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Any time they rush into it because one person's green card is about to expire is usually a bad sign (my lesbian cousin who married her best friend's boyfriend back in the 90s expressly to keep him from being deported excepted). I have never known a marriage like that to work out. I don't mean a marriage where one person simply happens not to be an American, I mean specifically where a dating couple rushes into something because of a green card or deportation issue.

Also, in my personal experience, Jew/non-Jew marriages don't work out when the non-Jew actively practices something else. Deaf/hearing marriages tend not to work out, with the rare exception of a couple of which the hearing person knew sign language very well before the relationship began, and already interacted in the Deaf Community and had many Deaf friends. I know a couple of marriages like that (one where the hearing person had Deaf parents and siblings and worked as an interpreter), and they are going strong, but any marriage where the hearing person learned sign language just to communicate with the partner, and knows no other Deaf people, is usually going to fail.
  #59  
Old 12-30-2016, 12:59 AM
snfaulkner snfaulkner is online now
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I've known several people in green card marriages. No, they very last longer than it kes or the checks and paperwork to clear, but I wouldnt say they didn't work out or were bad. They worked out exactly as both parties imagined (more or less) going into it.
  #60  
Old 12-30-2016, 03:40 AM
PatrickLondon PatrickLondon is offline
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Originally Posted by Flyer View Post
Groom mashed the cake into the (pregnant) brides face
I've never understood this custom. What is the point? Apart from a waste of a cake, it's an act of aggression and contempt, and if you're going to do that, what's to stop you doing the full Neanderthal with the club and dragging her off by her hair instead of carrying her across the threshold.
  #61  
Old 12-30-2016, 03:53 AM
PatrickLondon PatrickLondon is offline
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Originally Posted by Amateur Barbarian View Post
JThe times we'd socialize, she never stopped talking about her hope chest and what was being made for it and how many sets of linens she had and all of this other positively Victoria blather.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7llGHsnFL1g
  #62  
Old 12-30-2016, 04:34 AM
Nava Nava is offline
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Originally Posted by PatrickLondon View Post
I've never understood this custom. What is the point? Apart from a waste of a cake, it's an act of aggression and contempt, and if you're going to do that, what's to stop you doing the full Neanderthal with the club and dragging her off by her hair instead of carrying her across the threshold.
...which is a stylized repeat of the Rape of the Sabin Women, anyway...
  #63  
Old 12-30-2016, 08:05 AM
robardin robardin is offline
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Originally Posted by BobLibDem View Post
A common mistake. The bride marches down the aisle toward the altar while the organ plays a hymn- she's thinking "Aisle altar hymn" but she won't be able to.

This deserves a comment. And that comment is: BAD! Bad, bad, BAD!
  #64  
Old 12-30-2016, 08:45 AM
Jackmannii Jackmannii is offline
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She was less than five feet tall and morbidly obese. He was well over six feet tall and skinny as a toothpick.
Thanks, now I have "Life In The Fast Lane" going through my head.
  #65  
Old 12-30-2016, 10:08 AM
TubaDiva TubaDiva is offline
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Guy I knew: "When I was up at the altar and she was walking down the aisle, I thought about you."

Wedding was on the Memorial Day weekend. Before Labor Day she went into his closet and chopped the arms and legs off all his suits. She also slashed up all of his underwear.

The divorce took longer than the marriage lasted.
  #66  
Old 12-30-2016, 10:20 AM
FairyChatMom FairyChatMom is offline
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Groom (who had a history of substance abuse) disappeared before the wedding, but came back a few weeks later and a new date was set for a few months later. They were married on 9/11 (not the infamous one, but several years before) and he was in jail by Thanksgiving and out shortly after New Years Day. That spring, he hocked some of her jewelry and electronics and took off in her car. She got her stuff back (can't recall where he left the car) and she never saw him again.

The divorce was final on April Fools Day, just over a year after the wedding. Word came eventually that he'd died somewhere out west of an overdose. We all knew it would end badly, but she knew better... yeah.
  #67  
Old 12-30-2016, 10:21 AM
Chimera Chimera is offline
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Originally Posted by PatrickLondon View Post
I've never understood this custom. What is the point? Apart from a waste of a cake, it's an act of aggression and contempt, and if you're going to do that, what's to stop you doing the full Neanderthal with the club and dragging her off by her hair instead of carrying her across the threshold.
Perhaps a cake, in the shape of a club, and some sort of cart...
  #68  
Old 12-30-2016, 10:40 AM
Robot Arm Robot Arm is online now
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Originally Posted by BobLibDem View Post
A common mistake. The bride marches down the aisle toward the altar while the organ plays a hymn- she's thinking "Aisle altar hymn" but she won't be able to.
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Originally Posted by robardin View Post
This deserves a comment. And that comment is: BAD! Bad, bad, BAD!
Don't blame Bob, I've heard that one before.
  #69  
Old 01-01-2017, 12:15 PM
JHBoom JHBoom is offline
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Originally Posted by Pai325 View Post
If my husband had tried the cake to the face with me, it would have been over in five minutes.

You are talking about smashing the cake in her face, right? I've never seen that happen in a marriage that's lasted. Different traditions for different people, I guess, but my family would have been horrified.
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Originally Posted by Seanette View Post
DH and I solidly agreed that that was totally unappealing and inappropriate. We did the more dignified "feed each other a bit" thing.
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Originally Posted by IvoryTowerDenizen View Post
Us, too, except I ended with dabbing a bit of cake on his nose. The smashing thing I'll never understand.
"Smashing" was the wrong word to use. I'm not referring to taking a plate of cake and smashing it in the bride or groom's face, like a clown/circus gag. I'm referring to making a bit of a mess of each other's faces with the cake & frosting, while doing the feed each other a bite of cake thing.
I've seen it at nearly every wedding I've ever been to; maybe it's a regional thing. My wife and I didn't do it, but we didn't have a traditional wedding or reception.




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Originally Posted by PatrickLondon View Post
I've never understood this custom. What is the point?
Maybe to have a little fun with a day that, up to that point, has probably been extremely stressful and scripted? Maybe it's a symbolic gesture that you can each do something that bothers the other, but still laugh about it (or at least ignore it gracefully)?
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Originally Posted by PatrickLondon View Post
Apart from a waste of a cake, it's an act of aggression and contempt, and if you're going to do that, what's to stop you doing the full Neanderthal with the club and dragging her off by her hair instead of carrying her across the threshold.
Seriously?
  #70  
Old 01-01-2017, 12:22 PM
IvoryTowerDenizen IvoryTowerDenizen is offline
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Nah, still don't get it. Like I said, I dabbed a bit on his nose, but any kind of smooshing cake in each other's faces is not for me. I know the custom- I just think it's dopey.
  #71  
Old 01-01-2017, 12:23 PM
Ludovic Ludovic is offline
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Originally Posted by panache45 View Post
She was less than five feet tall and morbidly obese. He was well over six feet tall and skinny as a toothpick.
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Thanks, now I have "Life In The Fast Lane" going through my head.
Heh.
  #72  
Old 01-01-2017, 12:33 PM
Skara_Brae Skara_Brae is offline
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Originally Posted by JHBoom View Post
"Smashing" was the wrong word to use. I'm not referring to taking a plate of cake and smashing it in the bride or groom's face, like a clown/circus gag. I'm referring to making a bit of a mess of each other's faces with the cake & frosting, while doing the feed each other a bite of cake thing.
I've seen it at nearly every wedding I've ever been to; maybe it's a regional thing. My wife and I didn't do it, but we didn't have a traditional wedding or reception.





Maybe to have a little fun with a day that, up to that point, has probably been extremely stressful and scripted? Maybe it's a symbolic gesture that you can each do something that bothers the other, but still laugh about it (or at least ignore it gracefully)?
It has to be mutual, and you can't take it too far.

Case in point: http://thebig98.iheart.com/onair/tig...-way-14277573/
  #73  
Old 01-01-2017, 12:39 PM
CairoCarol CairoCarol is offline
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When the groom says to me before the wedding: "This wouldn't be a good time to mention my three previous marriages to anyone, they don't know yet".
I was invited, but couldn't attend, the wedding of a woman who knowingly married a man who'd already been divorced 3 times. Whether she stopped to consider the wisdom of this I have no idea, as we were not close, but I do know she was eager to settle down and have babies before she got too old.

Three days before their first anniversary, he told her he couldn't handle being married and wanted a divorce.
  #74  
Old 01-01-2017, 04:13 PM
rbroome rbroome is offline
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A lawyer I know said that every one of his college friends, male or female, who expressed doubts about their wedding beforehand ended up needing the lawyer's professional services within a few years. If you doubt the wisdom of a decision, don't make a long-term commitment.....
  #75  
Old 01-01-2017, 04:59 PM
nearwildheaven nearwildheaven is online now
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Originally Posted by TubaDiva View Post
Guy I knew: "When I was up at the altar and she was walking down the aisle, I thought about you."

Wedding was on the Memorial Day weekend. Before Labor Day she went into his closet and chopped the arms and legs off all his suits. She also slashed up all of his underwear.

The divorce took longer than the marriage lasted.


Some people might find that funny; not me.

Anyway, it sounds like she did wise up quickly.
  #76  
Old 01-01-2017, 05:00 PM
Velocity Velocity is online now
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Add me in with the folks who think that smashing a cake in the bride or groom's face is horrific. It is terribly childish and inane, and I cannot think of anything good that is supposed to result of it.
  #77  
Old 01-01-2017, 05:05 PM
ivylass ivylass is offline
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He threw the top of the cake at her and knocked her down? She went after him next? Couple of children and they should be ashamed of themselves.
  #78  
Old 01-01-2017, 08:37 PM
Toxgoddess Toxgoddess is offline
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When several of your friends, your best friend and your sister, all take you out to dinner and urge you not to marry this guy - and when your sister, whom you have been very close to all your lives, declines to be your maid of honor because she cannot in good conscience endorse this action - this might be an indication that this guy is a huge douche.

It lasted several years, but it was bad from the beginning, and it ended very badly.
  #79  
Old 01-01-2017, 09:03 PM
nearwildheaven nearwildheaven is online now
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Add me in with the folks who think that smashing a cake in the bride or groom's face is horrific. It is terribly childish and inane, and I cannot think of anything good that is supposed to result of it.
I have never personally witnessed this, whether at a wedding where I was a guest or a worker (when I was in college). However, I've known a few people who said this did happen, and all of those marriages ended in divorce after years of abuse.
  #80  
Old 01-01-2017, 09:07 PM
nearwildheaven nearwildheaven is online now
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When several of your friends, your best friend and your sister, all take you out to dinner and urge you not to marry this guy - and when your sister, whom you have been very close to all your lives, declines to be your maid of honor because she cannot in good conscience endorse this action - this might be an indication that this guy is a huge douche.

It lasted several years, but it was bad from the beginning, and it ended very badly.
Or if 100% of the invitations come back "Decline to attend". Can't think of anyone who had this happen to them, but I can think of several who had to scale down the reception for this reason. One of them is still together, and appear to be happy, 3 kids and nearly 20 years later, so maybe we were all wrong. I sure hope so.

Another indication that you're with someone you shouldn't be with? If you start dating someone, and total strangers start coming into your place of business to tell you that you are with someone who is very bad news. This happened to a male friend of mine, and while I never met her, a couple of my other friends knew her and while she may have been extremely promiscuous (the kind of woman he liked, BTW), the phrase "Don't poke the cray-cray" exists for a reason. No, they didn't get married, and he said she was lousy in the sack.
  #81  
Old 01-01-2017, 09:42 PM
RivkahChaya RivkahChaya is offline
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I once was in the awkward position of being the person who had to tell someone her new girlfriend was bad news. In fairness, L was trying to get her shit together, and was going to AA and Al-Anon meetings, but she had been sober only a couple of months, and she had abused her last girlfriend, which I got an earful of, because the ex camped on my couch after she ran out of the apartment they shared. She was terrified to go back and get her stuff. I solved that problem for her.

I was still friends with L, who had spent a night crying on my shoulder about how she had fucked everything up, and she was in love with J (the woman on my couch), but she knew she'd lost her for good.

So L seemed to be working hard-- going to meetings, working at a new job, seeing a therapist, taking antidepressants, and working out-- frankly, I don't know where she had time to date. But she starts going out with S. S was a college friend of a good friend of mine, W, going back to middle school. W has heard rumors about L's last relationship, and asks me for the straight dope. I tell her what I know from the part I played. Together, we take S out for coffee and tell her the same story.

I related this story on another MB, and got taken to task for "trashing my friend."

What could I do? I thought L was redeemable, and I was happy to help her, but at the moment she was bad news in a relationship. She was verbally abusive to J and had her in tears almost daily; finally one day she became physically abusive, and that was when J got out. She still fortunately had enough self-esteem to have the courage to do that. But barely.

Can't you care about someone, and still think that they are bad news in certain situations, kinds like taking the keys away from someone who is drunk? [/hijack]
  #82  
Old 01-02-2017, 03:19 AM
Nava Nava is offline
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Eh, not quite the same, but I know someone whose recent girlfriend was warned that his then-current situation of working in town was quite unusual, he usually travelled a lot. She said "I know, he remembered I used to serve him breakfast at the airport." Hey, whatever, many a couple hasn't survived the weekly sacrifice to the airport gods, many others have.

S could choose to leave or stay, she could make the choice better knowing the situation more fully.
  #83  
Old 01-02-2017, 07:08 PM
Whiskey Dickens Whiskey Dickens is offline
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Do I have to do everything around here?
Gosh dammit, none of the pictures are still up.

Beeeeeaaaaaaaaaarrr!
  #84  
Old 01-03-2017, 12:28 AM
Ulf the Unwashed Ulf the Unwashed is offline
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I used to do a lot of community theater.

Community theater is a good, um, breeding ground for romantic relationships. I have known a number of couples who got together when they were in a show. Some of them were even single when they got together. Several of these couples continued to see each other after the show closed; some married; some of these marriages have lasted quite well.

It's usually very easy to tell which people are involved. Even if you're not paying close attention it's pretty obvious. There was one exception, though: Amy and Dan. When I first got to know them, Amy was in her early twenties, very withdrawn, almost affect-less. Dan was ten years older, officious, set in his ways, and could be a real jerk to people, especially women. The two of them never talked during rehearsals or shows, didn;t hang out together, didn't hold hands, didn't talk about each other--I was floored when I discovered that not only were they an item, but they were engaged. They seemed poorly matched in so many ways and as I say they showed no signs of even wanting to spend time together.

But hey, whatever. They got married and went off to Hawaii for a honeymoon. On the second day they were frolicking in the surf when a wave knocked him onto her. He was a heavy guy and she broke her leg.

It was downhill from there. Several years and two small children later Amy got up one morning, dropped off the kids at day care, and drove to the hospital instead of to her job. When they asked what they could do for her, she said--showing initiative and drive for the first time in her life, perhaps--that they could either admit her to the psych ward or she would drive over to the nearest bridge and jump off. They kept her. She was in and out of hospitals and halfway houses for the next eight years.

In the meantime Dan proved completely unable (and largely unwilling) to care for the kids. The kids were noted in the neighborhood for playing in the road at six a.m. The house quickly became filled with fast food detritus and unwashed laundry. Amy's father and stepmother stepped in and minded the kids half time--they kids'd beg not to go back home after each visit, but Dan wasn;t prepared to give them up altogether and no one pushed.

And that was the situation until Dan was arrested for possession of child pornography.

...

I don;t know whether we'd say that the story has a happy ending or not. On the happy side, Amy eventually managed to start putting her life back together; she reclaimed her kids, divorced Dan, got an apartment, found a job she likes, and is dating a woman who seems very nice. The kids are doing well, one perhaps more so than the other, but certainly better than you might expect under the circumstances. As for Dan, well, he spent time in prison, was released (I don't know exactly why), was sent back for parole violations, was released again. Somewhere along the line he was diagnosed with congestive heart failure. He died about a year ago.

What the warning signs were, well, you can choose. Maybe it's having your husband fall on you and breeak your leg during the honeymoon. Or maybe it's having your fellow theater people be completely unaware that you are a couple. Whatever. I was only an observer, thank goodness, but it seems like it must have been just an awful, awful marriage.
  #85  
Old 01-03-2017, 01:20 AM
nearwildheaven nearwildheaven is online now
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Maybe Amy and Dan were one of those couples who had little or nothing in common beyond the fact that nobody else wanted either of them?

(of the opposite sex, anyway?)

Seen that a few times too. It doesn't ever end well.
  #86  
Old 01-03-2017, 11:51 AM
DesertDog DesertDog is offline
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Any time they rush into it because one person's green card is about to expire is usually a bad sign (my lesbian cousin who married her best friend's boyfriend back in the 90s expressly to keep him from being deported excepted).
I don't understand. Why didn't the woman* marry her boyfriend in the first place instead of making her lesbian(!) friend do it?

*Or man. I might not be wise to assume gender in this case.
  #87  
Old 01-03-2017, 12:00 PM
Mangetout Mangetout is offline
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Add me in with the folks who think that smashing a cake in the bride or groom's face is horrific. It is terribly childish and inane, and I cannot think of anything good that is supposed to result of it.
I guess there are people out there for whom it would be normal playful behaviour - like that couple on YouTube that's always pranking each other - although I imagine with most couples engaging in that sort of behaviour, one will tire of it before the other does, or one will want to take it further than comfort limit of the other.
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Old 01-03-2017, 03:46 PM
Ulf the Unwashed Ulf the Unwashed is offline
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Originally Posted by DesertDog View Post
I don't understand. Why didn't the woman* marry her boyfriend in the first place instead of making her lesbian(!) friend do it?

*Or man. I might not be wise to assume gender in this case.
If best friend was male, then we have the answer--a man couldn't marry a man at the time, so a woman had to do it to make the marriage legal and allow the boyfriend to stay.

If the best friend was female, then perhaps she was not (yet) a citizen and did not have the right to bring a foreign husband into the US to live?
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