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  #51  
Old 04-25-2017, 07:57 PM
Lumpy Lumpy is offline
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Lumpy's Three Laws of Motion

  1. The faster someone cut in front of you, the slower they'll be once there.
  2. If you get around someone who was in your way, they'll speed up.
  3. The end of a line can recede faster than you can reach it.
  #52  
Old 04-25-2017, 08:25 PM
It's Not Rocket Surgery! It's Not Rocket Surgery! is offline
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The Law Of Supply And Demand Ignorance: If there is one brand of an item that you, personally, decide is far superior to the others, it will suddenly become scarce or stop being made altogether.

Exception to the above rule: Heinz ketchup.
  #53  
Old 04-25-2017, 08:27 PM
CaptMurdock CaptMurdock is offline
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CaptMurdock's Codicil to Murphy's Law: (for those occasions where you apparently made an error that turned out to be the better result in the long run:

"Some days, you can't even screw up right."
  #54  
Old 04-25-2017, 08:37 PM
Riemann Riemann is offline
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Originally Posted by Tranquilis View Post
Confidence Corollary: The more confident you are, the more likely you have no idea what's going on.
It sounds like you are confident that this is a law that you came up with?

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dunnin...3Kruger_effect
  #55  
Old 04-25-2017, 08:47 PM
Tranquilis Tranquilis is offline
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Originally Posted by Riemann View Post
It sounds like you are confident that this is a law that you came up with?

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dunnin...3Kruger_effect
That would be in keeping with the law, yes.

Observation: Just because you formulate something, doesn't mean it's never been done before.
  #56  
Old 04-25-2017, 08:51 PM
Cub Mistress Cub Mistress is offline
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1.The car speeding through the school zone is a parent dropping off their precious snowflake(s). The cars obeying the speed limits are just trying to get to work.

2. When you have to wait 5 minutes to use a fast food restroom, it is always an employee of the restaurant.
  #57  
Old 04-25-2017, 09:02 PM
Jonathan Chance Jonathan Chance is offline
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From my Grandfather - who founded and sold three businesses:

"Accountants can save you money. Lawyers can protect your money. Neither will MAKE you money. If a business gets captured by its accountants and lawyers, it is on a downward path."

One of my own:

"As the number of 'help wanted' signs in fast food and retail stores increase, the closer the local economy comes to collapse."
  #58  
Old 04-25-2017, 09:05 PM
Sunny Daze Sunny Daze is offline
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Sounding board: If you are asked to help a roommate, friend, significant other or spouse to choose between two objects (such as a piece of clothing or two tools), it does not matter which one you select, they will pick the other one.

Only I can fix this: If something breaks, and you notify your roommate, friend, significant other or spouse, that person will immediately repeat all of the steps that you have taken to verify the problem, even if you have already done them (check the power, plugged in, fuses, etc).
  #59  
Old 04-25-2017, 09:06 PM
Riemann Riemann is offline
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Whenever a group of people is gathered together, one person in that group does not know what time of day is Cowboy Time.

Last edited by Riemann; 04-25-2017 at 09:08 PM.
  #60  
Old 04-25-2017, 09:08 PM
Tranquilis Tranquilis is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Jonathan Chance View Post
From my Grandfather - who founded and sold three businesses:

"Accountants can save you money. Lawyers can protect your money. Neither will MAKE you money. If a business gets captured by its accountants and lawyers, it is on a downward path."
Can confirm.
  #61  
Old 04-25-2017, 09:13 PM
Riemann Riemann is offline
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If a person is sick, takes a purported remedy, and then becomes well, it is impossible to convince that person that there may have been no causal connection between the remedy and the recovery.
  #62  
Old 04-25-2017, 09:24 PM
thelurkinghorror thelurkinghorror is online now
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Waitstaff will always arrive to ask if everything is okay immediately after you stuff food in your mouth and are unable to answer coherently.
  #63  
Old 04-25-2017, 09:34 PM
chorpler chorpler is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Tranquilis View Post
That would be in keeping with the law, yes.

Observation: Just because you formulate something, doesn't mean it's never been done before.
The better a law you come up with is, the more likely it is that some jerk came up with it years ago and posted about it on Usenet.
  #64  
Old 04-25-2017, 09:41 PM
Martini Enfield Martini Enfield is offline
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Martini's Law: No matter how reasonable your views or how widespread they are in the wider world, you will inevitably be the only person in a thread espousing them and everyone else in it will think you're the one with unconventional stance.

My current signature is part of an attempt to address this situation.

Last edited by Martini Enfield; 04-25-2017 at 09:41 PM.
  #65  
Old 04-25-2017, 09:49 PM
Mean Mr. Mustard Mean Mr. Mustard is offline
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Mustard's #1 Law of Work: If you identify a problem (or, og forbid, a potential solution), you will be put in charge of its resolution.


mmm
  #66  
Old 04-25-2017, 09:54 PM
Riemann Riemann is offline
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Originally Posted by Martini Enfield View Post
Martini's Law: No matter how reasonable your views or how widespread they are in the wider world, you will inevitably be the only person in a thread espousing them and everyone else in it will think you're the one with unconventional stance...
I agree completely.
  #67  
Old 04-25-2017, 09:56 PM
Tranquilis Tranquilis is offline
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Originally Posted by Riemann View Post
I agree completely.
  #68  
Old 04-25-2017, 09:57 PM
RivkahChaya RivkahChaya is offline
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Some friends and I once played off Roger Ebert's Rule of Conservation of Characters, and came up with a bunch of laws for solving TV, movie and novel murders.

Ebert's Rule is that because there isn't money in a TV or film budget to hire a lot of extraneous actors, anyone who doesn't seem to be contributing much to the plot is probably there to be revealed as the killer at the end; see, eg,
SPOILER:
the aunt in The Killing
.

Other rules:

The 15 minute rule: Anyone arrested before the first commercial didn't do it.

The Elliot Stabler Rule: The amount of abuse a cop heaps on a suspect during initial questioning is in reverse proportion to the likelihood that he is guilty.

The Roger Ackroyd Rule: With one notable exception, a 1st person narrator never did it.

Chekhov's language: If someone points out that the victim's native language wasn't English-- especially if someone discovers the fact-- it will be a key in solving the crime.

Monograms are never what they appear to be.

Unlike in real life, the rock-solider an alibi, the more likely the guy with it is guilty. CORROLARY: the guy who was at home alone watching TV, and can't remember the show definitely didn't do it.

That's all I can remember now, but we had a long list. I tested it out for a while, and got really good at solving anything, from Monk to The Closer, to Criminal Minds.
  #69  
Old 04-25-2017, 10:01 PM
RivkahChaya RivkahChaya is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mean Mr. Mustard View Post
Mustard's #1 Law of Work: If you identify a problem (or, og forbid, a potential solution), you will be put in charge of its resolution.


mmm
Also, if you complain about something (like skipping the haftarah at a renewal service) you will be put in charge of making sure thing doesn't happen again (or, how I endlessly read haftarot at the renewal services until I quit attending the renewal service).
  #70  
Old 04-25-2017, 10:35 PM
Daylate Daylate is offline
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Quote:
If you put multiple questions in an e-mail or other communication, all but one will be ignored and not answered.
This one is definitely right, and is why I never bother with communicating with a help desk via email. Inevitably, one can be facing a problem that takes at least two sentences (or maybe even three) to fully describe. However, the help desk weenie will stop reading your description at the first period, and address that first sentence only.
  #71  
Old 04-25-2017, 10:42 PM
Tranquilis Tranquilis is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by RivkahChaya View Post

The Roger Ackroyd Rule: With one notable exception, a 1st person narrator never did it.
I can think of at least one instance. Very dark comedy.
  #72  
Old 04-25-2017, 11:41 PM
Stranger On A Train Stranger On A Train is offline
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A few of riffs on Clarke's Third Law:
  • Any sufficiently mature technology will be as intuitive to use as a flashlight.
  • Any sufficiently elaborate simulation is indistinguishable from reality.
  • Any sufficiently complex decision-making system is indistinguishable from free will.

Stranger
  #73  
Old 04-26-2017, 12:06 AM
Sunny Daze Sunny Daze is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by RivkahChaya View Post
Also, if you complain about something (like skipping the haftarah at a renewal service) you will be put in charge of making sure thing doesn't happen again (or, how I endlessly read haftarot at the renewal services until I quit attending the renewal service).
Definitely this one. My husband's version of this goes: If you complain about shit not getting done, you will be the one cleaning it up (which is why he ends up scooping the dog poop).
  #74  
Old 04-26-2017, 12:12 AM
Riemann Riemann is offline
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Law of pervasive prescriptivist peevery:

Any thread like this eventually gets hijacked by a language prescriptivist sneaking in a "law" which is really just a pet peeve about the ignorant hoi polloi not talking proper.
  #75  
Old 04-26-2017, 12:16 AM
Riemann Riemann is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by RivkahChaya View Post
Some friends and I once played off Roger Ebert's Rule of Conservation of Characters, and came up with a bunch of laws for solving TV, movie and novel murders....

Other rules:...
Approximately 10% of the US population are serial killers.

Unless captured in a single episode, all these serial killers will target the cops/FBI who are trying to catch them.
  #76  
Old 04-26-2017, 12:27 AM
jtur88 jtur88 is offline
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Rules are to guide the wise and command the foolish. OR: Wisdom is knowing when to beak the rules.
  #77  
Old 04-26-2017, 01:45 AM
thelurkinghorror thelurkinghorror is online now
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Riemann View Post
Law of pervasive prescriptivist peevery:

Any thread like this eventually gets hijacked by a language prescriptivist sneaking in a "law" which is really just a pet peeve about the ignorant hoi polloi not talking proper.
Properly. Did I do it right?
Quote:
Originally Posted by Riemann View Post
Approximately 10% of the US population are serial killers.

Unless captured in a single episode, all these serial killers will target the cops/FBI who are trying to catch them.
It seems really unrealistic in Dexter that he encounters so many serial killers and other murderers. Until you realize that it takes place in Florida, so if anything the estimate of Floridian killers is rather low in the show.
  #78  
Old 04-26-2017, 01:54 AM
standingwave standingwave is offline
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I came up with this one around age 6 before I realized that many others had beaten me to it:

If you always tell the truth you don't have to remember anything.

Not for any ethical reasons, mind you. I'm just too lazy to lie.
  #79  
Old 04-26-2017, 03:08 AM
Grrr! Grrr! is offline
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Grr's law of receiving texts while driving: If you receive a text while driving, every stoplight you pass will be green. And conversely, if you receive NO texts while driving, every stoplight you come upon will be red.
  #80  
Old 04-26-2017, 07:48 AM
Ludovic Ludovic is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Tranquilis View Post
That would be in keeping with the law, yes.

Observation: Just because you formulate something, doesn't mean it's never been done before.
Quote:
Originally Posted by chorpler View Post
The better a law you come up with is, the more likely it is that some jerk came up with it years ago and posted about it on Usenet.
Stigler's Law of Eponymy comes close.
  #81  
Old 04-26-2017, 07:48 AM
CalMeacham CalMeacham is offline
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I long ago observed that Famous Laws come in groups of three -- The Three Laws od Thermodynamics, Kepler's three laws, Newton's three laws of motion, Asimov's Three Laws od robotics, Arthur C. Clarke's three laws.

I therefore decided that All Great Sets of Laws Come in Groups of Three. I call this CalMeacham's Third Law


I haven't come up with the first two yet.
  #82  
Old 04-26-2017, 07:51 AM
BrotherCadfael BrotherCadfael is offline
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BrotherCadfaels' Law: One Size Fits All... doesn't.
  #83  
Old 04-26-2017, 08:10 AM
Left Hand of Dorkness Left Hand of Dorkness is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by CalMeacham View Post
I long ago observed that Famous Laws come in groups of three -- The Three Laws od Thermodynamics, Kepler's three laws, Newton's three laws of motion, Asimov's Three Laws od robotics, Arthur C. Clarke's three laws.

I therefore decided that All Great Sets of Laws Come in Groups of Three. I call this CalMeacham's Third Law


I haven't come up with the first two yet.
If I may suggest:

CalMeacham's First Law: Any law about sets of laws will inevitably have an exception.
There is no CalMeacham's Second Law.

Last edited by Left Hand of Dorkness; 04-26-2017 at 08:10 AM.
  #84  
Old 04-26-2017, 08:23 AM
Chronos Chronos is offline
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Chronos' Observation on the Exclusivity of Humor:

The smaller the set of people who would get a joke, the funnier the joke will be to the people in that set.


Thus, for instance, if you tell a joke that depends on knowledge of the process of time evolution in quantum mechanical systems, the vast majority of people will look at you blankly... but the physics department at the local university will all double over with laughter (and then immediately start nitpicking it). And of course, inside jokes, which will only be understood by two or three people on the planet because "you had to be there", are the funniest of all.
  #85  
Old 04-26-2017, 08:57 AM
ASGuy ASGuy is offline
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(1) The Ben Herman 200 Hearing Limit: "If you hear a tune 200 times you never want to hear it again."

(2) Rayburn's Law of Invisibility: "At night, everything outside your window is functionally invisible. During the day the reverse is true."

(3) The Chinese Remainder Theorum: "After World War N, where N > 2, the number of surviving Chinese will be non-zero."

(4) My personal fave has no name, but I see Shodan has a variant: "If you don't paint it the first time, you never paint it the second time."
  #86  
Old 04-26-2017, 09:22 AM
DesertDog DesertDog is offline
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Having worked for a number of volunteer organizations of one form or another over the years, I have developed the Rule of the Dozen:
In a volunteer organization of about
  • a dozen people, about a dozen will be doing most of the work.
  • twenty people, about a dozen will be doing most of the work.
  • fifty people, about a dozen will be doing most of the work.
  • a hundred people, about a dozen will be doing most of the work.
  • . . .
  #87  
Old 04-26-2017, 09:26 AM
Fiendish Astronaut Fiendish Astronaut is offline
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I have lots of laws I could list here, but I'll stick with just the three:

The smaller the selection on a restaurant menu the better the food.

Companies that use whistling-based songs in their advertising are not to be trusted.

Never list more than three examples in an internet discussion.
  #88  
Old 04-26-2017, 10:06 AM
August West August West is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ASGuy View Post
(1) The Ben Herman 200 Hearing Limit: "If you hear a tune 200 times you never want to hear it again."
I tended bar for ~3 years and can confirm that I never want to hear "Margaritaville" ever again.
  #89  
Old 04-26-2017, 10:22 AM
Leaffan Leaffan is online now
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When you know you're going to have a particularly loud bowel movement at work, someone will come in 15 seconds after you and take the stall right beside you.
  #90  
Old 04-26-2017, 10:24 AM
carnivorousplant carnivorousplant is offline
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Nothing ever repairs itself.

In offices, every network drop and electrical outlet will be blocked by a large piece of furniture.
  #91  
Old 04-26-2017, 10:29 AM
Czarcasm Czarcasm is offline
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If four socks(two matching pairs) go into the dryer, and two socks disappear, then the chance that the two that are left will match is zero.
  #92  
Old 04-26-2017, 10:53 AM
It's Not Rocket Surgery! It's Not Rocket Surgery! is offline
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The Law of Relative Service Need: The harder an item is for you to find in a store, the harder it will be to find someone who works in that store to help you find it.

Similarly, the Rocket Surgery! Law of Restaurant Fluid Dynamics: As the amount of refillable drink in your glass at a restaurant approaches zero, so will the chance your waitstaff will ask about a refill. Corollary for spicy food: The hotter the meal, the slower the rate of refills.

Last edited by It's Not Rocket Surgery!; 04-26-2017 at 10:53 AM.
  #93  
Old 04-26-2017, 11:10 AM
D'Anconia D'Anconia is offline
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Our household rule is that if you don't like how someone does something--dishes, laundry, grocery shopping--do it yourself. (And shut up about it.)

As for pizza, if the pizzeria doesn't offer anchovies, the pizza itself will not be any good.
  #94  
Old 04-26-2017, 12:08 PM
Robot Arm Robot Arm is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BrotherCadfael View Post
BrotherCadfaels' Law: One Size Fits All... doesn't.
Robot Arm's Corollary to BrotherCadfael's Law: Makes a Great Gift... doesn't.
  #95  
Old 04-26-2017, 01:48 PM
DrumBum DrumBum is offline
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DrumBum''s theory of motion states that the ink pad used by the custom official will run dry when I present my passport.
  #96  
Old 04-26-2017, 02:30 PM
bibliophage bibliophage is offline
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Not me but my father. I call it Dad's Law: "Never trust a man who says 'trust me'."
  #97  
Old 04-26-2017, 07:23 PM
RivkahChaya RivkahChaya is offline
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Nothing ever repairs itself.

In offices, every network drop and electrical outlet will be blocked by a large piece of furniture.
Law of the first birthday: when you go to babyproof the house, you will go, room by room, sticking those little things in the plugs so the kid can't electrocute himself. You pull out furniture, to be good parents, and plug every single unused outlet, even high ones out of his reach. You buy the good kind that can't be removed without a screwdriver. You run out of plugs with one outlet left, out in the middle of everything, not blocked by anything, and right down by the baseboard.

Rule of the diaper: never change a dry diaper, just because the kid has been in it for a while, or karma will see to it that you run out of diapers right when the kid has a major blow-out.
  #98  
Old 04-26-2017, 07:27 PM
snowthx snowthx is offline
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Law of sibling rivalry: Whatever one of your kids likes, the other (or another) will hate.
  #99  
Old 04-26-2017, 07:33 PM
california jobcase california jobcase is offline
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The Parking Lot Corollary: If you park in an empty lot, and make a quick stop in a store, when you leave you will find some moron has parked right next to you even though the lot is empty.
Probably because it's the second closest spot.
  #100  
Old 04-26-2017, 07:34 PM
carnivorousplant carnivorousplant is offline
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Originally Posted by RivkahChaya View Post
Law of the first birthday: when you go to babyproof the house, you will go, room by room, sticking those little things in the plugs so the kid can't electrocute himself. You pull out furniture, to be good parents, and plug every single unused outlet, even high ones out of his reach. You buy the good kind that can't be removed without a screwdriver. You run out of plugs with one outlet left, out in the middle of everything, not blocked by anything, and right down by the baseboard.

Rule of the diaper: never change a dry diaper, just because the kid has been in it for a while, or karma will see to it that you run out of diapers right when the kid has a major blow-out.
Plant's Rule of Children: Best $400 I ever spent.
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