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  #101  
Old 04-26-2017, 10:16 PM
Peanuthead Peanuthead is offline
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No matter what your height, the streak in the windshield will always be exactly at eye level.
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  #102  
Old 04-26-2017, 10:29 PM
GreenHell GreenHell is offline
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Golden Rule of Strategy: Never, ever, under any circumstances, allow a situation to deteriorate into a fair fight.
  #103  
Old 04-27-2017, 01:51 AM
Isamu Isamu is offline
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Any typo is invisible until the email is sent.
  #104  
Old 04-27-2017, 04:30 AM
CairoCarol CairoCarol is offline
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(Added from another thread at the recommendation of Dung Beetle):

Any thread title or post that begins with words along the lines of, "Am I evil for finding this funny?" has only one answer:

Yes. Yes, you are evil. I, too, am evil. Let us work together to lower ourselves into hell, in the handbasket that has just appeared before us.
  #105  
Old 04-27-2017, 07:12 AM
Hari Seldon Hari Seldon is offline
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Everything I write has infinitely many errors: no matter how carefully I correct it, there is always at least one more.
  #106  
Old 04-27-2017, 07:40 AM
Dead Cat Dead Cat is offline
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If you never normally forget to add attachments to an email, the time when you do so will be the time when your email text does not contain the string "attach", such that the software therefore does NOT remind you about attachments before letting you send the email.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Riemann View Post
Whenever a group of people is gathered together, one person in that group does not know what time of day is Cowboy Time.
I believe this is known as the 9/50 rule.
  #107  
Old 04-27-2017, 07:55 AM
Cardigan Cardigan is offline
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Cardigan's Law: The shorter the line (grocery check out, bank, traffic light, etc) you choose to get in, the higher the probability some fool in front of you will cause an unforeseen delay.
  #108  
Old 04-27-2017, 11:11 AM
Tranquilis Tranquilis is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by GreenHell View Post
Golden Rule of Strategy: Never, ever, under any circumstances, allow a situation to deteriorate into a fair fight.
Re-statement: If you're in a fair fight, someone screwed up.


Law of Stability: If you push it hard enough, it WILL fall over.
  #109  
Old 04-27-2017, 01:42 PM
thelurkinghorror thelurkinghorror is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Cardigan View Post
Cardigan's Law: The shorter the line (grocery check out, bank, traffic light, etc) you choose to get in, the higher the probability some fool in front of you will cause an unforeseen delay.
Cf: the Peter Gibbons driving corollary
  #110  
Old 04-27-2017, 03:01 PM
ivylass ivylass is offline
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The louder the car commercial, the cheaper the car (you never see anyone screaming about a DEAL during a Lexus ad.)

My personal motto is Everything in Moderation. The trick is determining what is moderate. One snort of cocaine is too much. Two sips of water in a day is not enough.
  #111  
Old 04-27-2017, 04:53 PM
Lumpy Lumpy is offline
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Buying a replacement is a sure way to find a lost item.
  #112  
Old 04-28-2017, 08:10 PM
MaxTheVool MaxTheVool is offline
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The Law of Cafe Society Thread Deterioration: There are an enormous number of interesting possible CS threads which will gradually lose their distinctness and deteriorate into "hey, have you ever noticed that in movies and on TV, people always find a parking space, and when they go grocery shopping, there's always a baguette poking out"

The Law of Oppositional Conflation: When someone takes a position, and a majority of people disagree, and a small minority of those people really vehemently (loudly/abusively/illogically) ddisagree; the original position-holder will tend to conflate the two and react as if a majority of people are really vehemently disagreeing.
  #113  
Old 04-28-2017, 08:44 PM
mikecurtis mikecurtis is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Tranquilis View Post

Law of Stability: If you push it hard enough, it WILL fall over.
and mom will find out!

mc
  #114  
Old 04-28-2017, 08:56 PM
carnivorousplant carnivorousplant is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Tranquilis View Post
Law of Stability: If you push it hard enough, it WILL fall over.
Well known to the low animal cunning of house cats.
  #115  
Old 04-28-2017, 09:28 PM
igor frankensteen igor frankensteen is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by bibliophage View Post
Not me but my father. I call it Dad's Law: "Never trust a man who says 'trust me'."
Modern update or corollary:

the more stridently a "news" program insists that it is "fair and balanced," or "factually accurate," the more wildly biased it is.
  #116  
Old 04-28-2017, 09:40 PM
Robot Arm Robot Arm is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Tranquilis View Post
Law of Stability: If you push it hard enough, it WILL fall over.
It comes in, it must go out.
  #117  
Old 04-28-2017, 11:02 PM
pohjonen pohjonen is offline
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Objects gain mass once removed from their original box.
  #118  
Old 04-28-2017, 11:32 PM
astorian astorian is offline
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Astorian's Besides Theorem (which comes with Astorian's Anyway Corollary and Astorian's Ty Cobb Was a Racist Law).

1) Astorian's Besides Theorem holds that, when used in an argument, the word Besides means "Everything I just said was bullshit."

2) The Anyway Corollary holds that more often than not, a "besides" statement will be followed by Ann "Anyway" statement that is incompatible with both the original statement and the Besides statement.

3) The Ty Cobb Law says that when the Anyway statement fails to convert the onlooker, the arguer will slander someone widely seen as a hero.

Example:

"There is no proof that Pete Rose bet on baseball. Besides, he only bet on the Reds to win. Anyway, what's wrong with gambling? And hey, Ty Cobb was a racist, which is much worse than gambling."
  #119  
Old 04-28-2017, 11:43 PM
Der Trihs Der Trihs is offline
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The Ten Percent Rule: No matter how extreme or insane the position, there's almost always somewhere around 10% of the population that will support it.
  #120  
Old 04-29-2017, 05:01 AM
cmyk cmyk is offline
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If anyone besides yourself cooked it, it's gonna need salt.
  #121  
Old 04-29-2017, 06:23 AM
IvoryTowerDenizen IvoryTowerDenizen is offline
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Costco's law of Demand and Supply:

If my child declares they like and want a specific food item, so I then buy it in quantity, they will all of a sudden decide they hate it.
  #122  
Old 04-29-2017, 10:19 AM
Lumpy Lumpy is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by pohjonen View Post
Objects gain mass once removed from their original box.
I'm certain there's a name for the principle that nothing ever fits back in its original container, but my Google-fu is offline.
  #123  
Old 04-29-2017, 11:00 AM
Canadjun Canadjun is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Tranquilis View Post

Law of Stability: If you push it hard enough, it WILL fall over.
Quote:
Originally Posted by mikecurtis View Post
and mom will find out!

mc
Quote:
Originally Posted by carnivorousplant View Post
Well known to the low animal cunning of house cats.
The dog did it!

Last edited by Canadjun; 04-29-2017 at 11:00 AM.
  #124  
Old 04-29-2017, 11:08 AM
you with the face you with the face is offline
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Law of Diminishing Diversity: after a certain threshold, the length of a thread is inversely proportional to the number of posters contributing to it.
  #125  
Old 04-29-2017, 11:22 AM
thelurkinghorror thelurkinghorror is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by IvoryTowerDenizen View Post
Costco's law of Demand and Supply:

If my child declares they like and want a specific food item, so I then buy it in quantity, they will all of a sudden decide they hate it.
Costco is at least known for their generous return policy.
  #126  
Old 04-29-2017, 01:37 PM
Annie-Xmas Annie-Xmas is offline
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Stupid Law: You cannot fix stupid.

The "Yeah, butts" Law: Every day of your life, you will run into someone who gives you an explanation for their actions that boils down to "Yeah, but the rule (or law) doesn't apply to MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE..." I call them the "Yeah, butts," because they are assholes.
  #127  
Old 04-29-2017, 01:41 PM
IvoryTowerDenizen IvoryTowerDenizen is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by thelurkinghorror View Post
Costco is at least known for their generous return policy.
I've tried, but they keep making me take the kids back home.

  #128  
Old 04-29-2017, 07:24 PM
Shamozzle Shamozzle is offline
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The degree to which one understands the true nature of a given situation is proportional to the degree to which they are aware of the flow and distribution of the money involved.
  #129  
Old 04-30-2017, 03:03 PM
Jackmannii Jackmannii is offline
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Jackmannii's First Law of Dining Out states that the loudest and worst-behaved table at the restaurant takes the longest to finish up and depart.*

*a corollary to this Law is that the person at the adjoining table with the loudest and most gratingly annoying voice talks the most of anyone in the dining party.
  #130  
Old 04-30-2017, 09:23 PM
Annoying Buzz Annoying Buzz is offline
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Anyone who says "Are you calling me a liar?", is a liar. And a bad one.

The closer a lie is to the truth, the better the lie. The truth is the best lie of all.
  #131  
Old 04-30-2017, 09:27 PM
Clothahump Clothahump is offline
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Clothahump's Law: if they start advertising a movie more than three months before the release date, it won't be good. More than six months, it's gonna suck like a Hoover on steroids.

Last edited by Clothahump; 04-30-2017 at 09:27 PM.
  #132  
Old 04-30-2017, 09:36 PM
Annoying Buzz Annoying Buzz is offline
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An unsealed container will tip over.

Never put an empty can in your pocket or bag. No matter how snugly or securely positioned it is, it will rotate to face upside-down. And no matter how much effort you put into getting out the very last drop, it will immediately disgorge enough fluid to thoroughly soak everything.


Observed while cycling:

Drivers are completely oblivious to other vehicles on the road.
Cyclists are completely oblivious to traffic safety.
Pedestrians are completely oblivious to their own self-preservation.

A vehicle that suddenly pulls onto a busy street without paying attention will suddenly pull off it in the same manner within the next 2 blocks. Don't try to pass them. (the "I'll just be a moment" rule)

The most dangerous person on the road is the one who doesn't know where they're going, but needs to be there NOW.
  #133  
Old 04-30-2017, 10:15 PM
drewder drewder is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Maggie the Ocelot View Post
Maggie's law: Never trust a guy who says he loves you before he's slept with you. He's either lying to you, or to himself.
Hmm doesn't really work for me. It would have been odd for me to not say I love you before I got married.
  #134  
Old 04-30-2017, 10:56 PM
Iggy Iggy is offline
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Iggy's law of workplace chaos states that the number, seriousness, and urgency of incoming 9-1-1 calls is in inverse proportion to the number of staff on duty.

Fully staff the call center for a Friday night shift and nothing will happen. But the moment on a random Tuesday afternoon when one staff member is on lunch break and another makes a quick trip to the bathroom will be the time when all hell breaks loose.
  #135  
Old 04-30-2017, 11:22 PM
MacSpon MacSpon is offline
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MacSpon's Laws:

When preparing to do anything:
1. You have always forgotten something.
2. Once you remember what you'd forgotten, the first law still applies.
  #136  
Old 05-01-2017, 05:11 AM
erysichthon erysichthon is offline
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The quality of a film is inversely proportional to the number of names listed after "Screenplay By..."
  #137  
Old 05-01-2017, 05:47 AM
Czarcasm Czarcasm is offline
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By the time someone gets around to saying "To make a long story short..." it is already far too late.
  #138  
Old 05-01-2017, 12:15 PM
Sailboat Sailboat is offline
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Sailboat's First Law of Dog Walking: The more interested the dog appears in something on the ground, the more urgent it is that you prevent the dog from actually reaching it. *shudder*
  #139  
Old 05-01-2017, 02:52 PM
Horatius Horatius is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Hari Seldon View Post
Everything I write has infinitely many errors: no matter how carefully I correct it, there is always at least one more.


This is similar to my Dandelion Rule: No matter how many dandelions you uproot, or how many times you go back over the same area, you'll always spot another one just after you've sat down and cracked open a beer.
  #140  
Old 05-01-2017, 03:02 PM
jsgoddess jsgoddess is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Horatius View Post
This is similar to my Dandelion Rule: No matter how many dandelions you uproot, or how many times you go back over the same area, you'll always spot another one just after you've sat down and cracked open a beer.
The excellent part of this is it makes sitting down and cracking open a beer part of the implementation and review process!
  #141  
Old 05-01-2017, 03:24 PM
mikecurtis mikecurtis is offline
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one trip to the hardware store is never enough!

mc
  #142  
Old 05-01-2017, 03:34 PM
thelurkinghorror thelurkinghorror is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by mikecurtis View Post
one trip to the hardware store is never enough!

mc
How true. I don't go that often, but if I need to go to Home Depot for something, I'll have to go at least 1 more time, and often 2 more. And it's often not a case of forgetting something or learning that I need something else for the same project, but often the 3 visits are for completely different things.
  #143  
Old 05-01-2017, 03:40 PM
Marlonius Marlonius is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Jonathan Chance View Post
"As the number of 'help wanted' signs in fast food and retail stores increase, the closer the local economy comes to collapse."
That's the opposite of my Hamburger Law of economic health: the more screwed up my order and indifferent the service, the better the local economy is doing.
  #144  
Old 05-01-2017, 05:26 PM
carnivorousplant carnivorousplant is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by mikecurtis View Post
one trip to the hardware store is never enough!

mc
That, Sir, is a Law of Nature, you may not claim it as your own.
  #145  
Old 05-01-2017, 07:04 PM
Doubticus Doubticus is offline
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Many are afraid of the eternity of death without realizing they were dead for an eternity prior to being born.
  #146  
Old 05-01-2017, 07:06 PM
mikecurtis mikecurtis is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by carnivorousplant View Post
That, Sir, is a Law of Nature, you may not claim it as your own.
alas, tis true. twas but knowledge passed unto me from my father and his father before him. the origin of this wisdom has been lost to the ages, but legend has it that Abraham passed it on to his son (after that whole unfortunate sacrifice misunderstanding). i cannot claim its authorship, but i can attest to its veracity!

mc
  #147  
Old 05-01-2017, 07:16 PM
watchwolf49 watchwolf49 is offline
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1) The quieter the children play ... the more mischief they're into ...

2) Never trust a teen girl dressed in red going to grandma's house through the woods ...

3) If it ain't broke, you're not trying hard enough ...

4) Scrap wood is always an eighth inch too short ...

Last edited by watchwolf49; 05-01-2017 at 07:16 PM.
  #148  
Old 05-01-2017, 07:39 PM
RivkahChaya RivkahChaya is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Doubticus View Post
Many are afraid of the eternity of death without realizing they were dead for an eternity prior to being born.
Yeah, but they didn't have TV or internet then, so who cares?
  #149  
Old 05-01-2017, 08:23 PM
Lumpy Lumpy is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Annoying Buzz View Post
Anyone who says "Are you calling me a liar?", is a liar. And a bad one.
"No, I'm just saying that if bullshit was fried chicken, you'd be Colonel Sanders".

Quote:
The closer a lie is to the truth, the better the lie. The truth is the best lie of all.
The truth presented in the most misleading possible manner is the best lie of all. (As in Count Dooku telling Obi-Wan that Palpatine is secretly plotting to take over the galaxy).
  #150  
Old 05-01-2017, 08:43 PM
carnivorousplant carnivorousplant is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by mikecurtis View Post
alas, tis true. twas but knowledge passed unto me from my father and his father before him. the origin of this wisdom has been lost to the ages, but legend has it that Abraham passed it on to his son (after that whole unfortunate sacrifice misunderstanding). i cannot claim its authorship, but i can attest to its veracity!

mc
"Now, Issac, we don't have to tell your Mother about this."
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