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  #1  
Old 08-14-2015, 11:57 AM
Skald the Rhymer Skald the Rhymer is offline
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More worthy of my bigoted contempt: Elves or Smurfs?

Some weeks ago, at the behest of a Doper whose name I forgot neglected couldn't be arsed to write down, I gave my word as a votary of Athena to cease my slanders on, libels regarding, threats of violence to, and actual felonious assaults upon the Welsh save only their loxodontish Prince. I will of course be keeping my promise, but this presents me with a problem. I am, as everyone knows, a petty and contemptuous man full of vileness and hate, and my bigotry needs and outlet. In short I need somewhere to direct my loathing.

I have narrowed the field down to two possibilities: Elves and Smurfs.

Points against hating all Elves:
  • Galadriel.
  • Orcrist and Glamdring.
  • They make some nice cookies.
  • Santa brought me a very nice bow & arrow set when I was ten even though my parents were opposed to the notion and thus I was able to kill my first racccoon before the deadline.

Points in favor of hating all Elves:
  • Legolas.
  • That archer dude who stank up the Fellowship.
  • The son of Thranduil.
  • Legolas.
Points against hating all Smurfs:
  • They can be turned into gold with the proper alchemical training.
  • Also pies, though thta requires baking rather than alchemy.
  • They're only three apples high and thus as easy to ignore as to step on.
Points in favor of hating all Smurfs:
  • Clumsy.
  • Brainy.
  • Smurfette and, even more so, Sassette.
  • In fact, the entire fricking village, except Handy, because he was awesome.


I find myself unable to decide and thus turn to the Teeming Millions for advice and counsel. Should I concentrate my hatred on Elves or Smurfs (or split the difference, and dedicate myself to wiping out the Hobbits?
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Last edited by Skald the Rhymer; 08-14-2015 at 12:01 PM.
  #2  
Old 08-14-2015, 12:22 PM
TriPolar TriPolar is offline
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Another point against hating all Smurfs.

Another point in favor of hating all Smurfs.

I say hate all elves, they can be more readily ignored.
  #3  
Old 08-14-2015, 12:24 PM
stillownedbysetters stillownedbysetters is offline
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My setter pups were 6 and 4 when the Smurfs first rose to cartoon dominance. When asked if they wanted to watch the Smurfs, I received a sniff of disdain and a reply of "They are worse than My Little Pony." For the uninitiated, My Little Ponies were cartoon ponies who were all sparkly and flowery and girly and far, far beneath the notice of two manly-males like my boys.

In family loyalty, I, too, shall dismiss the Smurfs as unworthy and choose the Elves.

Besides, having first read LOTR at age 11, I adored Galadriel. I wanted to be her when I grew up - wise, intuitive, powerful, and stunningly gorgeous.

Inquiry: regarding your...err...disdain for Legolas. Is that movie Legolas you despise? or book Legolas? I rather liked book Legolas myself.
  #4  
Old 08-14-2015, 12:30 PM
Skald the Rhymer Skald the Rhymer is offline
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Originally Posted by stillownedbysetters View Post
My setter pups were 6 and 4 when the Smurfs first rose to cartoon dominance. When asked if they wanted to watch the Smurfs, I received a sniff of disdain and a reply of "They are worse than My Little Pony." For the uninitiated, My Little Ponies were cartoon ponies who were all sparkly and flowery and girly and far, far beneath the notice of two manly-males like my boys.

In family loyalty, I, too, shall dismiss the Smurfs as unworthy and choose the Elves.

Besides, having first read LOTR at age 11, I adored Galadriel. I wanted to be her when I grew up - wise, intuitive, powerful, and stunningly gorgeous.

Inquiry: regarding your...err...disdain for Legolas. Is that movie Legolas you despise? or book Legolas? I rather liked book Legolas myself.
Book!Legolas is awesome. Movie!Legolas deserves repeated punches in the kidneys until he apologizes for all his misdeeds, and NO, he will not be told what those misdeeds are, the fact that he doesn't know just makes it worse.
  #5  
Old 08-14-2015, 12:33 PM
Thudlow Boink Thudlow Boink is offline
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By posted thing thread, you have given me the Smurfs' theme song as an earworm. That's a point in favor of hating all Smurfs.

Quote:
Originally Posted by stillownedbysetters View Post
Inquiry: regarding your...err...disdain for Legolas. Is that movie Legolas you despise? or book Legolas? I rather liked book Legolas myself.
What I was going to ask. Why should the real Legolas be held responsible for what Peter Jackson did with him?
  #6  
Old 08-14-2015, 12:47 PM
silenus silenus is offline
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I'd keep hating on the Welsh, personally. But elves also include Will Ferrell and maybe Mr. Spock, so Smurfs it is.
  #7  
Old 08-14-2015, 12:56 PM
Sigene Sigene is offline
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smurfs

Smurfs aren't real

Its like the debate in "Stand By Me" between Mighty Mouse and Superman.
no contest...Mighty Mouse was just a cartoon, he isn't real.
  #8  
Old 08-14-2015, 01:10 PM
AnaMen AnaMen is offline
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Smurfs are mindless followers and Socialists, worthy of contempt, while elves are industrious and cheerful.
  #9  
Old 08-14-2015, 01:11 PM
MrDibble MrDibble is offline
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Elves. I will let the greatest Fantasy author of all time tell you why:

“Elves are wonderful. They provoke wonder.
Elves are marvellous. They cause marvels.
Elves are fantastic. They create fantasies.
Elves are glamorous. They project glamour.
Elves are enchanting. They weave enchantment.
Elves are terrific. They beget terror.
The thing about words is that meanings can twist just like a snake, and if you want to find snakes look for them behind words that have changed their meaning.
No one ever said elves are nice.
Elves are bad.”

Also, Drizzt. Man, fuck Drizzt. What a munchkin.

Last edited by MrDibble; 08-14-2015 at 01:14 PM.
  #10  
Old 08-14-2015, 01:14 PM
Greg Charles Greg Charles is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Skald the Rhymer View Post
Book!Legolas is awesome. Movie!Legolas deserves repeated punches in the kidneys until he apologizes for all his misdeeds, and NO, he will not be told what those misdeeds are, the fact that he doesn't know just makes it worse.
In the same vein (and pilfering your formatting), BelgianComicBook!Smurfs are way more interesting than the glurgerific AmericanCartoon!Smurfs.
  #11  
Old 08-14-2015, 01:14 PM
Skald the Rhymer Skald the Rhymer is offline
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Originally Posted by MrDibble View Post
Elves. I will let the greatest Fantasy author of all time tell you why:

“Elves are wonderful. They provoke wonder.
Elves are marvellous. They cause marvels.
Elves are fantastic. They create fantasies.
Elves are glamorous. They project glamour.
Elves are enchanting. They weave enchantment.
Elves are terrific. They beget terror.
The thing about words is that meanings can twist just like a snake, and if you want to find snakes look for them behind words that have changed their meaning.
No one ever said elves are nice.
Elves are bad.”
Are you suggesting that I should hold Elves in contempt because they're murderous bastards?

Have we met?
  #12  
Old 08-14-2015, 01:34 PM
MrDibble MrDibble is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Skald the Rhymer View Post
Are you suggesting that I should hold Elves in contempt because they're murderous bastards?
No, you should do it for the same reason I do: because they're an entire race of Mary Sues.

Other than Galadriel, she's OK.

Last edited by MrDibble; 08-14-2015 at 01:34 PM.
  #13  
Old 08-14-2015, 01:51 PM
Skald the Rhymer Skald the Rhymer is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MrDibble View Post
No, you should do it for the same reason I do: because they're an entire race of Mary Sues.

Other than Galadriel, she's OK.
Galadriel is as wonderful as a woman can be without being Athena, madman.

As to the Mary Sue allegation: that term is so variable in usage as to be meaningless. Tell me what you mean by it and why the Elves fit the usage, and I'll consider taking you seriously.

ETA: And what's wrong with being a murderous bastard?

Last edited by Skald the Rhymer; 08-14-2015 at 01:52 PM.
  #14  
Old 08-14-2015, 02:11 PM
Chimera Chimera is online now
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Lol. Doing my world building for a Pathfinder world.

The Elven Princess is described as "The lovechild of Xena and Legolas, with the added bonus of being an actual Princess".

Yes, she's supposed to be obnoxious.
  #15  
Old 08-14-2015, 03:33 PM
Helena330 Helena330 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Skald the Rhymer View Post
Points in favor of hating all Smurfs:
  • Clumsy.
  • Brainy.
  • Smurfette and, even more so, Sassette.
  • In fact, the entire fricking village, except Handy, because he was awesome.

Our own Drunky Smurf is pretty awesome, too!
  #16  
Old 08-14-2015, 03:37 PM
Drunky Smurf Drunky Smurf is offline
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Our own Drunky Smurf is pretty awesome, too!
I love your brain.

Elves are smelly. They need to go.
  #17  
Old 08-14-2015, 04:17 PM
teela brown teela brown is offline
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Did anyone else misread the thread title as:

More worthy of my bigoted contempt: Elvis or Smurfs?
  #18  
Old 08-14-2015, 04:32 PM
Skald the Rhymer Skald the Rhymer is offline
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Originally Posted by teela brown View Post
Did anyone else misread the thread title as:

More worthy of my bigoted contempt: Elvis or Smurfs?
Elvis is an elvish name. Means "All-Wise." That is why Thor killed him.
  #19  
Old 08-14-2015, 04:50 PM
MrDibble MrDibble is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Skald the Rhymer View Post
Galadriel is as wonderful as a woman can be without being Athena, madman.
Nah, she's just OK. She's no Deedlit.
Quote:

As to the Mary Sue allegation: that term is so variable in usage as to be meaningless. Tell me what you mean by it and why the Elves fit the usage, and I'll consider taking you seriously.
They're too fucking perfect. That's boring.
Quote:
ETA: And what's wrong with being a murderous bastard?
Nothing I posted said anything about murderous bastards, so why you keep going there, I don't know. Pratchett's quote isn't about Elves murdering you. It's about them getting in your head.

Last edited by MrDibble; 08-14-2015 at 04:52 PM.
  #20  
Old 08-14-2015, 04:54 PM
scabpicker scabpicker is offline
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Hate the Smurfs, because they make far less sense.

Or maybe you should like them for that? I dunno, they might lay eggs, like a platypus.
  #21  
Old 08-14-2015, 05:04 PM
dracoi dracoi is offline
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Elves.

Smurfs are annoying in many ways, but no Smurf ever pretended to be better than you while ignoring your problems and heading over the sea to their eternal paradise that you aren't invited to.
  #22  
Old 08-14-2015, 05:43 PM
Little Nemo Little Nemo is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Skald the Rhymer View Post
Movie!Legolas deserves repeated punches in the kidneys until he apologizes for all his misdeeds, and NO, he will not be told what those misdeeds are, the fact that he doesn't know just makes it worse.
The fact that he's spent more time making out with Keira Knightley than I have is all the reason I need.
  #23  
Old 08-14-2015, 09:10 PM
Skald the Rhymer Skald the Rhymer is offline
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The fact that he's spent more time making out with Keira Knightley than I have is all the reason I need.
I've offered you a 5% discount on a KK model hookerbot, man. Save your lunch money.
  #24  
Old 08-14-2015, 10:26 PM
kopek kopek is offline
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Elves -- been around longer and more of them to hate. Having contempt for Smurfs is like having contempt for Tana Tuvians <sic?> ---------- who really cares?
  #25  
Old 08-15-2015, 03:48 AM
Sunny Daze Sunny Daze is offline
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Smurfs. Why are we even debating this? Little, blue, carolling, hyper, happy, trouble-making imps. Punt them into the sea! (Or wherever your hypotheticals may take you)
  #26  
Old 08-15-2015, 07:29 AM
MrDibble MrDibble is offline
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Originally Posted by ddsun View Post
Punt them into the sea!
Nooo! If Smurfs are bad, Snorks are soooo much worse.
  #27  
Old 08-15-2015, 08:58 AM
KarlGrenze KarlGrenze is offline
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Meh, I like book Legolas. But other than that, the elves (including Galadriel), can go to the sea (with the Snorks).

I used to watch Snorks and Smurfs when I was a little kid. I preferred the Smurfs. And like said above, the Smurfs will try and be helpful (most of them, anyways), unlike the elves which will ignore your problems and go to their paradise.
  #28  
Old 08-15-2015, 10:19 AM
Spectre of Pithecanthropus Spectre of Pithecanthropus is offline
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If the plural form were Smurves rather than Smurfs, they would less contemptible than they really are. If it were Smerrows, even less so.
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  #29  
Old 08-15-2015, 10:53 AM
MrDibble MrDibble is offline
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Oh, Bravo, Spectre. Bravo!
  #30  
Old 08-15-2015, 11:50 AM
cwthree cwthree is offline
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Smurfs, those little blue bastards. Hate away.
  #31  
Old 08-15-2015, 12:37 PM
Qadgop the Mercotan Qadgop the Mercotan is offline
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"Elves, " grumbled Spam. "Now I'm not saying Sorhed is right, but I'm not a-saying he's wrong, neither, if you get my drift."

"Shut up," said Legolam gravely.
Thus it is written in BOTR, and thus I believe.
  #32  
Old 08-15-2015, 12:53 PM
Bosda Di'Chi of Tricor Bosda Di'Chi of Tricor is offline
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Quote:
More worthy of my bigoted contempt: Elves or Smurfs?
I misread the title as :

"More worthy of my bigoted contempt: Elvis or Smurfs? "

If you had blasphemed against the King Of Rock & Roll, I would have had to kill you.
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  #33  
Old 08-15-2015, 12:53 PM
Qadgop the Mercotan Qadgop the Mercotan is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Bosda Di'Chi of Tricor View Post
I misread the title as :

"More worthy of my bigoted contempt: Elvis or Smurfs? "

If you had blasphemed against the King Of Rock & Roll, I would have had to kill you.
Stop creating straw elves!
  #34  
Old 08-15-2015, 04:07 PM
Elendil's Heir Elendil's Heir is offline
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Smurfs are tiny, dumb, amusing only to children, very annoying and all one color. Elves are bigger, wise, good-looking, skilled in many things and long-lived. Why is this even a debate? All Smurfs must die.

Quote:
Originally Posted by teela brown View Post
Did anyone else misread the thread title as:

More worthy of my bigoted contempt: Elvis or Smurfs?
Which reminds me: http://i.imgur.com/fN1MHOw.jpg

Quote:
Originally Posted by Little Nemo View Post
The fact that he's spent more time making out with Keira Knightley than I have is all the reason I need.
You've got a point there.
  #35  
Old 08-15-2015, 04:22 PM
Thudlow Boink Thudlow Boink is offline
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The Shoemaker and the Elvises
  #36  
Old 08-15-2015, 06:30 PM
Spectre of Pithecanthropus Spectre of Pithecanthropus is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Elendil's Heir View Post
Smurfs are tiny, dumb, amusing only to children, very annoying and all one color. Elves are bigger, wise, good-looking, skilled in many things and long-lived. Why is this even a debate? All Smurfs must die.
Elroy Half-Smurven would disagree with statement.
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  #37  
Old 08-15-2015, 06:53 PM
pool pool is online now
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I remember reading one of those articles about how The Smurfs was about the evils of Capitalism as represented by The greedy Gargamel wanting to destroy the Smurfs peaceful, utopian Communist and/or socialist village and turn them into gold.

The female elves are sexy so I'll say hold the useless hippy smurfs in contempt and turn them into gold and melt them down.
  #38  
Old 08-15-2015, 08:58 PM
Spectre of Pithecanthropus Spectre of Pithecanthropus is offline
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Oh, Bravo, Spectre. Bravo!
(Nods towards MrDibble in a magisterial yet not uncordial manner.)
  #39  
Old 08-15-2015, 09:55 PM
Chronos Chronos is offline
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Quote:
Points against hating all Smurfs:

They can be turned into gold with the proper alchemical training.
Also pies, though thta requires baking rather than alchemy.
They're only three apples high and thus as easy to ignore as to step on.
All of those seem perfectly consistent with hating them, to me.
  #40  
Old 08-17-2015, 12:24 AM
Isamu Isamu is offline
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Smurfs are easier to hate - there are no "half-smurfs" (to the best of my crystal ball's knowledge).

But if you go the elves route then you have to deal with the whole impure bloodline problem. How much elf is too much to bear?*




* I know, I know, it's 1/16th, but there will be people who question that determination.
  #41  
Old 08-17-2015, 02:43 AM
stui magpie stui magpie is offline
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The Elves, Smurfette is a very talented fellatrix.
  #42  
Old 08-17-2015, 07:32 AM
j666 j666 is offline
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Smurfs.

Elves are armed.
  #43  
Old 08-17-2015, 10:42 AM
Little Nemo Little Nemo is offline
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Originally Posted by Spectre of Pithecanthropus View Post
If the plural form were Smurves rather than Smurfs, they would less contemptible than they really are. If it were Smerrows, even less so.
I shot some Smerrows into the air. They fell to Earth; I know not where.
  #44  
Old 08-17-2015, 11:35 AM
Elendil's Heir Elendil's Heir is offline
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The Elves, Smurfette is a very talented fellatrix.
"Dear Penthouse, you'll never believe what happened to me during a recent visit to the Smurf village...."
  #45  
Old 08-17-2015, 02:44 PM
Doctor Jackson Doctor Jackson is offline
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Either are fine on their own, but those outrageous mixed breed Smelves and Elurfs, depending on paternity, are the ones I (rightfully) distain. Not quite blue but not a normal flesh tone, ears elongated but yet rounded - urgh!
  #46  
Old 08-17-2015, 04:03 PM
Lowdown Lowdown is offline
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Smurfs. I loathe smurfs. I have been bitching about them my whole life. Smurf them.

Anecdote! ...my mom dropped a big Smurf cake off for me at school for my 8th(?) grade birthday. During lunch. In front of everyone. Just to screw with me. My mom is a dick! Most kids probably would have been mortified but that's how we roll. It was pretty funny.
  #47  
Old 08-17-2015, 06:21 PM
DinoR DinoR is offline
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Why be bigoted. There's plenty of perfectly good reasons to hate on an individual basis that covers most Smurfs, Elves, Welsh, and all other bipedal humanoid groups
  #48  
Old 08-17-2015, 06:31 PM
Skald the Rhymer Skald the Rhymer is offline
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No more Welsh jokes, please. I gave my word to stop, which to my mind includes not encouraging others to make them.
  #49  
Old 08-18-2015, 01:30 AM
MrDibble MrDibble is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Lowdown View Post
Smurfs. I loathe smurfs.
This is the worst Gargamel impersonation ever...


...it's "Oooh, I HATE Smurfs!"
  #50  
Old 08-18-2015, 08:49 AM
Thudlow Boink Thudlow Boink is offline
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Nassty Smurfses...
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