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Old 07-23-2017, 02:41 PM
Northern Piper Northern Piper is offline
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Things parents say to their kids that may not be quite accurate…

The Piper Cub made a bit of a mess in the TV room. I told him to tidy up and kept working on the dishes.

Heard a noise, turned around and there he was with his red light sabre.

"I am a Sith Lord," he grimly announced.

"Even so, Smith Lords tidy up after themselves," I said.

Defeated, he sighed and went off to tidy up.

As I did the washing-up, I thought "Actually, Smith Lords generally don't tidy up after themselves. Oh well, seems to have worked."
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  #2  
Old 07-23-2017, 03:03 PM
Malleus, Incus, Stapes! Malleus, Incus, Stapes! is offline
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Sith lords don't tidy up, but Smith lords do.

(Having a bad autocorrect day? )
  #3  
Old 07-23-2017, 03:25 PM
Darren Garrison Darren Garrison is offline
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At least he didn't claim to be a Traci Lord.
  #4  
Old 07-23-2017, 03:49 PM
Aquadementia Aquadementia is offline
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Sith lords would have planed years in advance to convince someone else they willingly made the mess of their own free will and are righteously entitled to have done so.
  #5  
Old 07-23-2017, 06:10 PM
running coach running coach is online now
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"I am a Sith Lord," he grimly announced.

"Even so, Smith Lords tidy up after themselves," I said.

The correct response would be "I am not the cleaning lady you're looking for." *makes hand motion*

Last edited by running coach; 07-23-2017 at 06:10 PM.
  #6  
Old 07-23-2017, 07:50 PM
Northern Piper Northern Piper is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by running coach View Post
"I am a Sith Lord," he grimly announced.

"Even so, Smith Lords tidy up after themselves," I said.

The correct response would be "I am not the cleaning lady you're looking for." *makes hand motion*
I think that would have been lost on the Cub. He enjoys Star Wars, but has not made a detailed study of the œuvre.
  #7  
Old 07-23-2017, 07:52 PM
Northern Piper Northern Piper is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Malleus, Incus, Stapes! View Post
Sith lords don't tidy up, but Smith lords do.

(Having a bad autocorrect day? )
I put it down to a disturbance in the Force.
  #8  
Old 07-23-2017, 10:58 PM
Captain Amazing Captain Amazing is offline
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Gabe, from the webcomic Penny Arcade, talks about how Sith Lords litter:

https://www.penny-arcade.com/news/po...unny-dad-story
  #9  
Old 07-23-2017, 11:35 PM
TruCelt TruCelt is offline
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I told the Celtling that crickets really like it in the sewer. There are lots of other crickets down there, and plenty of food from all the garbage disposals, so it's really cricket heaven.

That's why we always catch them in a tissue and flush them down the toilet.

Hey, none of them ever came back to complain!
  #10  
Old 07-24-2017, 01:06 AM
Maastricht Maastricht is offline
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Me: "Ninja's never give up, they don't quit. So get back to sorting Lego's, young man."

My then seven year old: " But ninja's do take breaks, don't they ?".
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  #11  
Old 07-24-2017, 02:55 AM
PatrickLondon PatrickLondon is offline
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My father once taught me a simple rule to know whether to be afraid of a wasp or not:"No, that one's all right, it's got yellow stripes on a black background; it's the ones with black stripes on a yellow background you have to look out for".
  #12  
Old 07-24-2017, 03:30 AM
Princhester Princhester is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Northern Piper View Post
"I am a Sith Lord," he grimly announced.
"Piperling, I am your father".
  #13  
Old 07-24-2017, 04:27 AM
nightshadea nightshadea is offline
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Remember the old calvin and Hobbes strips where calvn would ask the dad something and the dad would totally BS it and calvin would either run in horror or try to imitate it? And the mom would sigh and say what did he tell you this time?

That was most of my family........
  #14  
Old 07-24-2017, 05:04 AM
Darren Garrison Darren Garrison is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Maastricht View Post
Me: "Ninja's never give up, they don't quit. So get back to sorting Lego's, young man."

My then seven year old: " But ninja's do take breaks, don't they ?".
"They also kill people for money or for ideological reasons, Dad. Do you really want to follow this through to the logical conclusion, or do you want to drop the demand that I properly emulate a ninja and let me take a freaking break?"

That would have been more awesome.
  #15  
Old 07-25-2017, 12:55 AM
Northern Piper Northern Piper is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nightshadea View Post
Remember the old calvin and Hobbes strips where calvn would ask the dad something and the dad would totally BS it and calvin would either run in horror or try to imitate it? And the mom would sigh and say what did he tell you this time?

That was most of my family........
As time goes on, more and more I find that Calvin's Dad is my hero, worthy of emulation in as many ways as possible.
  #16  
Old 07-25-2017, 10:51 AM
xizor xizor is offline
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Back when gold teeth were more popular, I admit to telling my child the way to grow a gold tooth was to never stick your tongue in the hole where a baby tooth fell out. If you ever stick your tongue in the whole, a normal tooth will grow.

Last edited by xizor; 07-25-2017 at 10:51 AM.
  #17  
Old 07-25-2017, 11:59 AM
Inner Stickler Inner Stickler is offline
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I was older than I probably should have been when I learned that no, you don't actually all have to be buckled for the car to move.
  #18  
Old 07-25-2017, 03:20 PM
Doctor Jackson Doctor Jackson is offline
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Apparently, babies do not come from a cabbage patch...
  #19  
Old 07-26-2017, 07:56 PM
C. Blackwood C. Blackwood is offline
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When I was a little kid, I spent most weekends and holidays touring Civil War and Revolutionary War Historic Sites. Any time I had a question about what happened, my dad would say, "Ask your mother; she was there." No WAY my mom was that old.

Plus there was that thing about not going back into the pool until 30 minutes after eating. I'm pretty sure that was wrong too.
  #20  
Old 07-27-2017, 12:29 AM
LSLGuy LSLGuy is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Darren Garrison View Post
"They also kill people for money or for ideological reasons, Dad. Do you really want to follow this through to the logical conclusion, or do you want to drop the demand that I properly emulate a ninja and let me take a freaking break?"

That would have been more awesome.
Maastricht is a Mom.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Northern Piper View Post
As time goes on, more and more I find that Calvin's Dad is my hero, worthy of emulation in as many ways as possible.
I don't have kids but back when that was a future possibility I thought the same thing. Somehow the potential downsides to raising my very own Calvin never occurred to me. Maybe it's just as well I never ran that particular experiment?

Last edited by LSLGuy; 07-27-2017 at 12:30 AM.
  #21  
Old 07-27-2017, 11:41 AM
Lemur866 Lemur866 is offline
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My 14 year old believed me when I told her that Tuscany was named that because after Hannibal crossed the Alps most of his elephants died there and left their skeletons.

In her defense, I tell her all sorts of unbelievable facts that turn out to be really true.
  #22  
Old 07-27-2017, 01:24 PM
carnivorousplant carnivorousplant is offline
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My 14 year old believed me when I told her that Tuscany was named that because after Hannibal crossed the Alps most of his elephants died there and left their skeletons.
Alabama is seriously a center for elephantine dentistry.

The tusks are looser down there.

Oh the OP. Right.
My father told me that ground chuck was made from woodchucks.

Last edited by carnivorousplant; 07-27-2017 at 01:24 PM.
  #23  
Old 07-27-2017, 01:31 PM
cmkeller cmkeller is offline
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Northern Piper:

Quote:
As I did the washing-up, I thought "Actually, Smith Lords generally don't tidy up after themselves. Oh well, seems to have worked."
Sith Lords have underlings afraid of being force-choked to clean up after them.

Darth Vader totally left Obi-Wan's cloak laying there on the Death Star floor. Well, at least he didn't leave the corpse in it.
  #24  
Old 07-27-2017, 01:33 PM
TriPolar TriPolar is offline
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When my kids were very young, on our way out to the store shortly before Christmas I told them to watch out for the Bad Boy Bellman, if he spotted bad little boys he'd ring his bell and put them in his kettle. As we approached the store I spotted the Salvation Army guys, pointed at him and said "Look boys, there he is!". He rang his bell and they cried and grabbed on to me. Yeah, I'm going to hell.
  #25  
Old 07-27-2017, 01:42 PM
Chronos Chronos is offline
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Quote:
My father told me that ground chuck was made from woodchucks.
At my grandparents' house, it often was. Grampap hunted them as vermin, and once you've shot one, well, no sense in letting anything go to waste.
  #26  
Old 07-27-2017, 02:11 PM
MLS MLS is offline
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This is my daughter's, but I think it still counts. "No, we can't go to the park today. The park is closed on Tuesdays."

When my granddaughter was very young she believed (because we told her so) that the ice cream truck was just a music truck. No, no treats in there.
  #27  
Old 07-27-2017, 02:17 PM
carnivorousplant carnivorousplant is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MLS View Post

When my granddaughter was very young she believed (because we told her so) that the ice cream truck was just a music truck. No, no treats in there.
Man, that is cold.

I think you can be arrested for that in New Jersey.
  #28  
Old 07-27-2017, 03:30 PM
G0sp3l G0sp3l is offline
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"just be yourself, the girls will like you for being different."

No mom, they didn't!!!
  #29  
Old 07-27-2017, 03:41 PM
Lemur866 Lemur866 is offline
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Quote:
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"just be yourself, the girls will like you for being different."

No mom, they didn't!!!
Much better advice: "Just be yourself, that way when you inevitably end up friendless and alone at least you won't be friendless and alone and frantically pretending to be someone you're not. "
  #30  
Old 07-27-2017, 03:51 PM
Spice Weasel Spice Weasel is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MLS View Post
This is my daughter's, but I think it still counts. "No, we can't go to the park today. The park is closed on Tuesdays."
Hey, wait a minute. Sr. Weasel tells me the ice cream store is closed every time I suggest it.
  #31  
Old 07-27-2017, 04:03 PM
digs digs is online now
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Spice Weasel View Post
Hey, wait a minute. Sr. Weasel tells me...
Aside: I read that as "Señor Wences" every thread he's mentioned in, and have to go back, read it slowly, glance at poster's name, cogitate, chuckle, and only then read over the post.

"I haff zomething veddy nice for you..."

"S'a'right?"

"S'a'right!"
  #32  
Old 07-27-2017, 04:07 PM
Spice Weasel Spice Weasel is offline
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Originally Posted by digs View Post
Aside: I read that as "Señor Wences" every thread he's mentioned in, and have to go back, read it slowly, glance at poster's name, cogitate, chuckle, and only then read over the post.

"I haff zomething veddy nice for you..."

"S'a'right?"

"S'a'right!"
Hahaha I never heard of that guy.

Sr. Weasel is actually an abbreviation of Señor Weasel. We both studied Spanish in undergrad.
  #33  
Old 07-29-2017, 02:05 PM
digs digs is online now
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Hahaha I never heard of that guy.
But you can never say that again...
  #34  
Old 07-29-2017, 04:07 PM
Aspenglow Aspenglow is offline
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My stepmom's dad was an old-fashioned butcher. As such, he often retrieved the magnets from cows' stomachs that were given to them to attract barbed wire and other harmful things they might inadvertently ingest while they were out grazing. Occasionally he would bring them home to his daughter. When she asked where they came from, he told her that cows manufacture magnets in their stomachs.

She was 27 years old when with all solemnity, she shared this bit of wisdom with my dad and me. After we stared at her for a beat, we howled till we cried. I always felt bad this was how she learned that cows are not where magnets come from.
  #35  
Old 07-29-2017, 04:25 PM
Darren Garrison Darren Garrison is offline
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Until this moment I never knew cow magnets were a thing.
  #36  
Old 07-29-2017, 04:30 PM
carnivorousplant carnivorousplant is offline
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Until this moment I never knew cow magnets were a thing.
It is not usually a topic of refined conversation.

Does the magnet keeps metal out of their intestines?
  #37  
Old 07-29-2017, 04:32 PM
carnivorousplant carnivorousplant is offline
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Apparently so.

With the wide eyed stare, this cow looks as though she had swallowed a magnet.

Last edited by carnivorousplant; 07-29-2017 at 04:34 PM.
  #38  
Old 07-29-2017, 04:49 PM
Aspenglow Aspenglow is offline
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LOL, yes, they are a thing. carnivorousplant, that was a great wide-eyed diagram.
  #39  
Old 07-29-2017, 09:24 PM
Northern Piper Northern Piper is offline
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We used to sell them in PiperDad's store, in the farm supplies section. Yes, very much a thing.
  #40  
Old 07-29-2017, 11:51 PM
Toxgoddess Toxgoddess is offline
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I don't think I could top cow magnets. All I've got is this, from my mom: "Don't pick your nose, you'll yank your brains out."

Said more to my brothers than me. :-)

Last edited by Toxgoddess; 07-29-2017 at 11:52 PM.
  #41  
Old 07-30-2017, 09:52 AM
burpo the wonder mutt burpo the wonder mutt is offline
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I have always--ALWAYS--eaten the crusts of bread, yet my hair is NOT curly, not wavy, just oily.

I have never found potatoes (or beans) in my ears.

Last edited by burpo the wonder mutt; 07-30-2017 at 09:53 AM.
  #42  
Old 07-30-2017, 10:18 AM
LSLGuy LSLGuy is offline
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My wife must be sterile. She's eaten far too many watermelon seeds for there to be any other explanation.
  #43  
Old 07-30-2017, 10:27 AM
BeepKillBeep BeepKillBeep is online now
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I used to tell my kids that "Have fun storming the castle!" was an ancient viking way to say goodbye, and that I was celebrating our viking heritage when I said it to them as they left for school.

Last edited by BeepKillBeep; 07-30-2017 at 10:28 AM.
  #44  
Old 07-30-2017, 11:37 AM
Northern Piper Northern Piper is offline
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Sort of along the same lines, the Cub was complaining one day about how they had to have a long line-up for nearly everything in his Grade 2 classroom.

I told him to say to the teacher: "What, will the line stretch out to the crack of doom?"

Then to tell the teacher when she questioned him, "But it's Shakespeare!" (Macbeth, Act 4, Scene 1)

He did it with some delight a few times, and came home reporting that his teacher was puzzled by him.
  #45  
Old 07-30-2017, 01:04 PM
LSLGuy LSLGuy is offline
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Just send him in with a note copping to you idolizing Calvin's Dad. She'll understand then.
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Cynicism is Evil. It provides an excuse to expect nothing but the worst from others while simultaneously excusing all the worst in yourself. It's lazy, selfish, and ignorant all tightly wrapped into a toxic ball of nasty.
  #46  
Old 07-30-2017, 01:20 PM
Aquadementia Aquadementia is offline
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Wait a second.
There's something we all just skipped over: What kind of parent lets their kid have a red lightsaber?

We know how it will end.

DETECTIVE "So, what's going on here? You want to hold the kid for murdering his own parents?"

OFFICER "I think you should see this. Under the Christmas tree next to the sweater."

DETECTIVE "Hmmm. A 'Star Wars Darth Vader red lighsaber' box. It does jibe with the crime scene. Sith can be highly dynastic. The youngling probably snuck up on them while they were asleep to steal their force energy."

OFFICER "And look in the kids bedroom. It's full of Nazi memorabilia."

DETECTIVE "What do ya expect in a household like this? Smurfs?"

OFFICER "No, but notice how tidily it's all put away."

DETECTIVE "Then his training... is complete."
  #47  
Old 07-30-2017, 09:19 PM
Northern Piper Northern Piper is offline
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Mrs Piper was walking into the kitchen; tripped over a double-bladed red light-sabre (à la Darth Maul). Went down, heavily.

"Cub!" I called. "Mom just tripped over your light sabre!"

Cub came running, a look of concern on his face.

"Is it okay?" he asked.



[Lengthy trial proceedings followed, in which the Cub advanced the defence that he had left it in the dining room, but evil Sith-Piper-Cat2 had Force-transferred it to the hallway leading to the kitchen. Mrs Piper and I remained sceptical Sith-Piper-Cat2 has such abilities, although there was general consensus that Sith-Piper-Cat2 is indeed evil. Court adjourned without verdict, due to inconclusive evidence, but with a strict admonition to the Sith-Lord-Cub to continue picking up his evil apparatuses.]
  #48  
Old 07-30-2017, 10:22 PM
burpo the wonder mutt burpo the wonder mutt is offline
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Originally Posted by LSLGuy View Post
Just send him in with a note copping to you idolizing Calvin's Dad. She'll understand then.
Calvin (after Dad explains their Xmas decorating): IF I get A present?
  #49  
Old 07-31-2017, 06:53 AM
LSLGuy LSLGuy is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Northern Piper View Post
...
[Lengthy trial proceedings followed, in which the Cub advanced the defence that he had left it in the dining room, but evil Sith-Piper-Cat2 had Force-transferred it to the hallway leading to the kitchen. Mrs Piper and I remained sceptical Sith-Piper-Cat2 has such abilities, although there was general consensus that Sith-Piper-Cat2 is indeed evil. Court adjourned without verdict, due to inconclusive evidence, but with a strict admonition to the Sith-Lord-Cub to continue picking up his evil apparatuses.]
And thus slowly, ever so slowly but inexorably, does the Sith Lord's training continue. Now he controls the cat a bit, and the parents a bit more. They now do his bidding uncertainly, but also unwittingly. Good. Very Good.

Soon the domination will be complete and the grand plan of generations may enter it's next phase.

I am proud of you, young Cub.

Last edited by LSLGuy; 07-31-2017 at 06:55 AM.
  #50  
Old 07-31-2017, 07:48 AM
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Gabe, from the webcomic Penny Arcade, talks about how Sith Lords litter:

https://www.penny-arcade.com/news/po...unny-dad-story
TV Tropes has that covered.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Maastricht View Post
Me: "Ninja's never give up, they don't quit. So get back to sorting Lego's, young man."

My then seven year old: " But ninja's do take breaks, don't they ?".
"Sorting Legos is their break."

My brother and I were turning up our noses at mom's homemade vegetable beef soup, poking at the fat globules floating on top. "What's this stuff?"

"Protein," she told us.
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