There's a new Jack Chick tract, and boy is it a doozy!

[Lucki Chaarms]

Wow,

I'm the first one on this! Alright. I'm going to refrain from commenting at this moment, because I have homework to do and can't be bothered to pick this apart right now.

Without further ado:

Your victim this evening

Go to town folks! I'll be back later to see how it's going, my only input will be this: I know only a little tiny bit about ancient Egyptian culture, and I still know enough to know that Chick has no fucking clue what he's talking about when it comes to the ancient Egyptian Gods. Of course, he has no fucking clue what he's talking about when it comes to his own god, so why should I be surprised?

LC

[Billy Rubin]

[beavis]Ms Crawford's ass is sticking up when she's grovelling behind the coffee table.

Ms Crawford's got back.

hehe hehe[/beavis]

[MsRobyn]

What a load of green baby shit.

First of all, religion is not prohibited in the public schools. Period. In fact, in world history class, we were studying world religions at the appropriate times. This included information on Abraham, Moses, Jesus, Mohammed, and whoever else was appropriate. You can't study history without a firm understanding of the world's religions and their impact.

Second, the Bible is not a work of pure history, and except for the fundies, no religion I've ever come in contact with thinks so, either. The Bible is a work of literature and stories that were passed down orally through generations and was not written down for many centuries after the actual (if any) events took place. This being the case, it can't be taken literally.

Finally, each of the ten plagues listed in Exodus can be explained with natural events. For example, it's generally thought that the Nile turned to "blood" as a result of red tide, which turns the water poisonous. Each of the other 9 can be explained with a natural phenomenon as well.

Gotta love Jack Chick and his merry band of foaming-at-the-mouth fundies.

And a pre-emptive fuck you to any fundie who tries to get me to see the "error" of my ways.

Robin

[Kamandi]

The Bible is "the most proven book in ancient history".

"Thank God I flunked Timmy!"

Huh?

Is it me, or is Jack getting more confused in every tract he writes?

Although he did write a good joke: "I will not tolerate intolerant people!"

[pepperlandgirl]

Hehhehhe, best quote in the whole thing?
"But it's true Miss Crawford. They even made a movie on it!"
hehehehe

[Guinastasia]

Chick is really going off the deep end here.

First off, a kid does a HISTORY paper on the Ten Commandments? What the fuck?
2nd, every teacher I have ever had insists that you CLEAR the topic with him or her before you go on to do your project. That topic wouldn't even clear, because it's not history. Now, if say, Timmy wanted to do his report on something like that most teachers would help him find something related-say, the plight of the Israelites in ancient Egypt, perhaps? Or Jewish History back in that era? Such as King David (I THINK he existed, however, how much is myth and how much is true I'm not sure of). That would be MUCH more fascinating. Or he could do a report on the HISTORY of the Bible and the Ten Commandments. Um, hello? What the FUCK?

And most teachers who study history do study religion, because it plays such a large factor. We have a course over at La Roche-History and Development of Early Christianity, or something like that. They ENCOURAGE their students to learn about religion. In 10th grade world history, our last unit was on Judaism, Christianity and Islam. It wasn't about whether you believe or not, but the history of such beliefs, what they consisted of, and how they shaped culture. No historian is going to cut out religious studies, because it's such a HUGE part of culture and understanding certain aspects.

AND HE DOESN'T MENTION RA OR BAS-(Cat Goddess)!!!!!

And how the hell does taking home a PAPERCLIP make her a fucking thief? Jesus, most teachers take home school supplies-most STUDENTS do-it's not theft-that is what they're THERE FOR!!!! You're SUPPOSED to use them and take them home!!!!!


Maybe I should print this up and pass it around in class on Tuesday. I think Dr. Brett would laugh himself into a fucking hernia. Oh wait-he's one of those EVIL CATHOLICS!!!!


Oh criminy. Jack Chick doesn't know jackshit about the Bible, either. If he did, he'd know more about Jewish history. He doesn't know jackshit about teaching, or religion, or anything.

In short, Jack Chick must be Wildest Bill! OH my god! I'll bet I'm right! He sounds JUST LIKE HIM!!!!! FUCK!!!!!!!!



Jack Chick makes Baby Jesus hold his breath until he turns blue.


*In conclusion to this thread, Guin's head exploded*

[Enderw24]

Lucki Chaarms, please don't interpret this as an attack on you. I really don't have a problem with this thread, per se, and if you wanna tear Mr. Chick a new one I'm not gonna stop you.

But I'm curious as to why we do this. Why do we seek out ignorance and bring it to these boards? It's one thing if someone posted "I just received one of these Chick Tracts, could someone please explain the logical fallacies of it?"
But that's not what's happening here. What we're doing is going out to find these things and bring them back to the boards. We may be tearing him to shreds, but we're giving him a larger audience at the very same time.

[headshok]

Actually, Uncle Bob sounds like an interesting guy.

[Billy Rubin]

I mean, what else could Jack Chick do for a living?

And Ender,it's not a good idea to further spread this inanity, I agree, but here, I doubt anyone is going to actually buy any of his shit. We won't be "saving" anyone tonight.

b.

[Lucki Chaarms]

Ender, I started this thread because it is a time-honored SDMB tradition to tear up every Chick tract as soon as it is released, and I find it to be a lot of fun. People post all kinds of intensely ignorant shit in the Pit just to tear it up and be mildly or majorly pissed at it. This is a little different, because I think we all stopped being offended by Unca Jack a long time ago, so we just like to roll our eyes at him. Since I expect people to have some serious venom in relation to this tract, I posted in the Pit.

Also, as wierd as it is, I am what you might call a fan of Chick's work. I am totally addicted, I have read every single tract, and a lot of his bizarrely homoerotic "Crusaders" comic books. It's funny, and also just fun in some wierd way. I don't agree with any teeny tiny shred of what is put in Chick's widdle Jesus comics, but I still find reading them very entertaining. Therefore, I think I am a Chick fan, inasmuch as I obsessively check the site to see every tract within a few days of its release.

LC- Who is still waiting for the Wicca tract. Dammit Jack, will you get on the fucking ball and try and convert me? And make it a decent attempt so I have some fun tearing it apart.

[Lucki Chaarms]

Still no Wicca tract, but look at this shocking indictment of Harry Potter books! Can you believe that children would actually be so entranced by Satan as to say things like this?

The link on the website reads: "What kids say after reading Harry Potter (shocking!)"

Yeah, it really freaked me out Jack

I mean kids saying evil Satanic things like:[/quote]"I want to go to wizard school and learn magic. I'd like to learn to use a wand to cast spells." (Dylan, age 10)[/quote]

Or Even

"If I went to wizard school I'd study everything: spells, counterspells, and defense against the dark arts." (Carolyn, age 10)

These were apparently among the most shocking they could find. Defense against the dark arts! Someone must save Carolyn age ten's soul!

LC

[Guinastasia]

So it's better for kids to learn how to stone whores and fags, eh?




Chick must've had an extremely deprived childhood.

[k.os]

Another Chick fan checking in.

As I have said in another thread, Chick is one of my favorite unwilling comedians. I sometimes have a hard time realizing that he actually believes these things.

I mean, seriously, can you imagine someone being converted by a Chick Tract? If Chick is converting anyone, he is converting morons, to put it mildly. If Chick's site disappeared from the web, I'd be really disappointed. Whenever I need a good laugh, I know I can go and read a couple of tracts at Chick.com.

[Helen's Eidolon]

Hahahahahaha...

Yes, those are the names of Egyptian gods.

But they had about, oh, say, a couple million? Not hard to find one to suit your purpose.

And Horus is the sun god while Amun-Re (yep, there's the mention of Ra) is the god of the first born. God of the First Born????

It hurts. It really does.

[peepthis]

Originally posted by MsRobyn
Finally, each of the ten plagues listed in Exodus can be explained with natural events. For example, it's generally thought that the Nile turned to "blood" as a result of red tide, which turns the water poisonous. Each of the other 9 can be explained with a natural phenomenon as well.

The natural explanation to the Plagues is far from "generally" accepted. It's all very tenuous, which no serious scientist (outside of the History Channel) would bet the farm on.

That said, this cartoon is fundamentalism at its wackiest. Even though I'm a non-believer, though, I don't think it's fair to rip the artist a new one for evangelizing what he sees as the word. I mean, even if you're put off by evanglists, do you honestly think anyone will convert based on one of his hokey strips?

[non-native]

The best Chick Tract simply has to be "Dark Dungeons". There's not as much factual inaccuracies as some others, but the plot is top-of-the-line humor. I don't want to spoil it for you, but it's funniest one for me so far.

[k.os]

One of my personal favorites is The Curse of Baphomet. It's unbelievably loaded with wrong information. Incredible. Hilarious.

[non-native]

Yeah... I should've posted a link too, so http://www.chick.com/reading/tracts/0046/0046_01.asp.

[Guinastasia]

I actually printed out the one on Liberation Theology* to show Dr. Brett once, since he is a.)a very devout Catholic; b.) a total leftist; c.) involved in Latin American studies; and d.) interested liberation theology. His opinion? Chick is just trying to make a buck off of stupidity, or some insane anti-religious dude trying to discredit Christians.







*Liberation theology is the idea that the Catholic church has a special duty to helping out the poor and oppressed-based mainly on the story of the rich man and the beggar Lazarus. For those of you who don't know the story, Lazarus is a beggar and everyday he sits outside the rich man's house. The rich man has these fantastic feasts everyday, and he never finishes them-he simply throws the food away. He'll toss Lazarus a crumb every now and then. Both men die and the rich man goes to hell, Lazarus to Heaven, and the rich man wants to go back and warn his friends, blah blah blah. The point is, that the church has a duty to help the poor (and that those of us who are able should and MUST help those who don't have anything-and that if we have the means to do so and ignore these people, we are wrong). Whether or not you agree with it, it's NOT what Chick is talking about. *sigh*

[king of spain]

Um. Interesting selection of gods you got there, Jack. I'll give him the benefit of the doubt and assume they are all actual Egyptian gods, but the Lord sure went after some obscure ones there. If you wanted to show power over the gods of Egypt, wouldn't you go after Osiris (who is, I believe, the incarnation of the dead Pharaoh) and Isis and Thoth and Bastet rather than, say, the frog goddess? LaurAnge already covered the Horus/Amun-Re mixup - I'm pretty sure Horus is associated with the sun, but not nearly so much as Amun-Re, and I've certainly never heard this "god of the firstborn" thing. And I know Imhotep is an Egyptian god, but god of medicine doesn't sound right to me - anynone know?

And, um, "the most proven book in ancient history?" I mean, yes, there is historical evidence for plenty of Biblical events, but even granting that everything Jack Chick considers evidence is true, the most proven book...?

[Ogre]

But I'm curious as to why we do this.

Because it's fun and oh-so-easy.

As far as I can tell, that's the long and the short of it.

[Katisha]

Originally posted by pepperlandgirl
Hehhehhe, best quote in the whole thing?
"But it's true Miss Crawford. They even made a movie on it!"
hehehehe

Heh. That amused me too. I mean, was Jack trying to be ironic there, or what?

Re "Dark Dungeons" -- as someone pointed out to me, there's actually a huge factual inaccuracy in there: it's a gaming group with no guys!

Guin, I'd never seen the Liberation Theology tract. Yeesh. (Now there's this voice in my head singing "Blame the Vatican!" to the tune of "Blame Canada." Thanks a lot. )

[Billy Rubin]

Originally posted by k.os
One of my personal favorites is The Curse of Baphomet. It's unbelievably loaded with wrong information. Incredible. Hilarious.

This is priceless. God hates the Obelisk. I'm pissing my pants. Stop, dammit, stop.

B.

[Rockford]

Shouldn't this tract http://www.chick.com/reading/tracts/0042/0042_01.asp be considered illegal since it incites hatred against Muslims?

[fierra]

king of spain, this one's for you...
Imhotep was an architect & courtier, designer & builder of the first pyramid at Saqqara, which led to his deification & adoption as a son of Ptah. He was revered as a god of learning, knowledge and healing, so he has that right. But he was usually portrayed seated, with a shaven head, like that of a priest and with a scroll on his lap to indicate knowledge.

Hapi is the nile god. Heket or Heqt would be a reasonable spelling, I guess, is a frog goddess - but goddess of childbirth, creation & grain germination, she did often take the form of a frog or frog headed woamn, but she'd be more appropriate for the child thing.

I think Seb is Sepa in my main resource - a protective centipede god from Heliopolis, he had the power to prevent snakebites. It could be the same god with slightly expanded powers. Personally, I didn't think lice or flies came out of the ground (flying anyone? Airborn? Unless, JackChick wants to go back to the time when people thought life arose spontaneously from dirt, and since only god can create... ). It could be meant to be Geb, as Geb was Nut's consort. Wish he'd make up his mind which names he's using & spell them right. Geb is an earth god, and it's unusual for the earth to be thought of as male & the sky as female in ancient cultures. Sometimes shown as green coloured & ithyphallic! He isn't listed as protecting against things from the ground in my source, but I haven't checked any of my other books (I like mythology, does it show? )

Imhotep I've covered.

Hathor sky-cow-goddess, mother goddess. She could also be represented with a lion head or a snake or a sycamore. Main aspect is mother goddess or as Sekhmet when she nearly wiped out mankind. She'd so much better have been the first born pick that it's just untrue.

Nut - sky goddess. Like all sky goddesses, she could assume the form of the sacred cow. Swallowed the sun every evening & gavebirth to it at dawn. Could have used her for the cow plague or even the darkness one. It's like throwing darts at a board when every target is a bull - you can't get a bad score.

Horus - Falcon headed, sun god. Many aspects, child, adult, avenger, sign of kingship, but mostly sungod, including an aspect called Harakhty, Horus of the horizon, specifially a sungod. He was a state god at Memphis after the unification of the two Lands, but he merged with many other gods & took on some of their attributes.

Amun/Amon/Ammon/Amen - supreme creator god, merged wth Re or Ra later. I see no mention in either god's powers of a link to the first born, but there is a vague mention of "his fertility & regenerative powers could range from the sexual to the agricultural" for Amon. It is possible, but a rather vague link. By the time of the 18th Dynasty, he had been linked with Re & was patron of the pharoahs & chief god of Egypt. re also merges with Osiris & a few other gods & takes on lots of forms because of it, but did become supreme solar deity after the 18th dynasty. Poor Horus, thrown over for a younger god... . He created mankind from his tears & then ordered them all killed whent hey became too troublesome. Really going to be the sort of guy you want as protector of your fist born...

Seriously, apart from a few fairly major spelling errors, & the whole first born thing, he's lined them up quite nicely. Although, as someone else said, it would be hard not to, there were so many of them.

Re the accusation of why not pick on their major gods, well, they were. And if there had been a plague of cats, then you could have said Bastet had been challenged, or a lunar eclipse & that Isis was. He has to work with the material he's given . He's actually been quite creative here, which is unusual. Everyone else has already picked holes in the term paper topic, or that pointed out that religion would be taught in history (I find it hard to believe that a history teacher would be quite that ignorant of history & gullible, but I guess ignorance & gullibility go hand in hand).

Sorry if this is too polite & informative for the pit, I'll try harder next time... .

[saepiroth]

do a link to "dark dungeons" please.

[Gala Matrix Fire]

"Jesus told Moses..."?

Wasn't Moses waayyyy before Jesus's time? Anybody know?

[MEBuckner]

It's that whole Trinity thing.

[Guinastasia]

A plague of cats would be DAMN sucky. I love my cats, but imagine the destruction! If they were all like my Buffy! (Much as I love her to death, she's such a bad baby!)

[Lucki Chaarms]

Dark Dungeons

That has a little tiny piece of an anti-wicca tract, but it's not full-on. More anti-rpg.

It's also really funny. Totally over-the-top.

LC

[Bricker]

Originally posted by saepiroth
do a link to "dark dungeons" please.

Here you go.

- Rick

[Princhester]

I'd have to say this is one of the most disappointing and pissweak Chick tracts I've read. I mean all that happens is a secular teacher hears a bible story and immediately believes every word is historically accurate and is instantly converted to Christianity. How pathetic is that? Where's the lies? The distortions? The half-truths? The demonic leering evil wild eyed portrayal of the non-christian? The teacher barely looks even slightly miffed! Where's her horns and forked tail?

Nah, I'm disappointed.

[tavalla]

Thanks for the link to the Dark Dungeons tract.

:collapses in helpless laughter:

Did anyone click on the link at the bottom of that tract? The one about the evils of D & D. I'm so glad I did; I never realised before now that D & D contains "authentic magical rituals".

Oh goodie! This means I can raise the dead just by saying "my characters casts a "raise the dead" spell." And here I was mucking about with eye of newt...

:giggle jag continues:

[psychogumby]

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I laughed my fucking arse off reading that shite!

What i'd love to see is Jack Chick and Rev Fred Phelps work on a project together.

You know, maybe the Taliban aren't such radical loonies after all ...

[BoBettie]

The D&D tract was great- I wonder if I'm going to hell for playing God with my Sims. Hmmm...maybe I'll put a bug in Jacks ear and see if he'll make me a tract for it.

"Zette used to lock her Sims in tiny rooms with no toilet or food until they died. Sometimes she set the house on fire. ON PURPOSE! Then she found Jesus Christ and stopped being such a sinning gamer."

[Jonathan Chance]

<Mind Controlled>

IM-HO-TEP!!!

IM-HO-TEP!!!

IM-HO-TEP!!!

IM-HO-TEP!!!

IM-HO-TEP!!!

</Mind Controlled>

[Jonathan Chance]

Oh, and after a moment's thought...

I saw what I thought would be a MUCH better Evangelical marketing piece this weekend.

On the signboard in front of a church:

"If you don't believe in God you better be right."

That appeals to my businessman's heart. Fear, reward...it's all there. A little weak on the call to action but the space is limited.

[vanilla]

Lets just get Jack and Texe Marrs together..

Count me as one of mnay (but no one else on the sdmb) who thinks Harry Potter is intended to teach children witchcraft. And yes, i won't let my son read it.

BTW, did the teacher UNflunk the boy then?

[Captain Amazing]

Originally posted by vanilla
Count me as one of mnay (but no one else on the sdmb) who thinks Harry Potter is intended to teach children witchcraft. And yes, i won't let my son read it.

So, did you actually read any of the books? I feel sorry for your son.

[Nocturne]

Of COURSE Harry Potter is meant to teach children witchcraft, just like the Chronicles of Narnia are meant to teach children that there are nice friendly lions they should pet.

[DeadlyAccurate]

Originally posted by vanilla
Count me as one of mnay (but no one else on the sdmb) who thinks Harry Potter is intended to teach children witchcraft. And yes, i won't let my son read it.

He he, this is funny. Having read all four Harry Potter books, I'm now ready to cast spells and I wasn't even aware of it. Or maybe I now know all the nuances of the Wiccan religion. Can I claim to be an authority on witchcraft now?

Bibbity bobbity boo!
Abracadrabra!
Alakazam!

So, how many Dopers have been turned into frogs? I'm new at this, so I'm not aware of my own strength.

[Captain Amazing]

Originally posted by throatshot

So, how many Dopers have been turned into frogs? I'm new at this, so I'm not aware of my own strength.

Ribb-it

[Phobos]

I'm starting to think that most of the "hits" to Jack's website are Dopers there for a good laugh.

[Chef Troy]

One startling omission from this new Chick Tract is that nowhere in it, at any point, does someone say "HAW! HAW!"

How could such a glaring oversight have been allowed to make it into print unnoticed? It's like a James Bond movie with no visit to Q's workshop.

[Tranquilis]

So, how many Dopers have been turned into frogs?

Nee-deep. Nee-deep. Nee-deep in shit.

Oops... Make that "Nee-deep in tracts".

Why do we seek out ignorance and bring it to these boards?

Know thy enemy...

Chick is just trying to make a buck off of stupidity, or some insane anti-religious dude trying to discredit Christians.

Agents Provocateur? It's possible... I like the crafty huckster idea myself. There's something... elegant... to the idea of a really slick con whereby people (Chick groupies) fleece themselves. It's like judo: He uses their own stupidity against them.

[Tars Tarkas]

Anyone else notice the Vulcan among the Egyptians laughing at Moses? He even has the raised eyebrow!

[Why A Duck]

Originally muttered by Ned Flanders
And Harry Potter and all his wizard friends went straight to hell for practicing witchcraft!

I couldn't help but think of this while reading this thread.

As to the tract, did anyone else notice that in the early panels, when she is still an evil intolerant secularist, that Ms. Crawford looks distinctively oriental? And that as she sees the light she becomes more and more occidental?

Ya gotta love Chick, maximum ignorance in minimum space.

[red_dragon60]

Originally posted by vanilla
Lets just get Jack and Texe Marrs together..

Count me as one of mnay (but no one else on the sdmb) who thinks Harry Potter is intended to teach children witchcraft. And yes, i won't let my son read it.

BTW, did the teacher UNflunk the boy then?

Oh no! She has discovered the secret global conspiracy headed by Queen Rowling to corrupt children with real witchcraft! We need to kill her by running her over with flying broomsticks! Because we all know that children cannot distinguish fantasy from reality!

So explain why it is intended to teach witchcraft. By forbidding kids to do something, they will want to do it even more.

[Gyrate]

Originally posted by red_dragon60
Oh no! She has discovered the secret global conspiracy headed by Queen Rowling to corrupt children with real witchcraft!

Y'know I went to ask her about that, and she turned me into a newt!













_{I got better...}

[omni-not]

I just LOVED it!! I kept reading, waiting for the punch line. It never came. Mid-way through, it occurred to me that this might be 'serious'. And even at the end (not ever having been on that site), I thought the whole thing might have been a parody, in a series of parodies. I mean, what would you expect from 'chick.com'?). It's only when I reached the bottom of the page, with the additional sermonizing, that I realized that this was serious stuff. Lucki, you've made my day. I'll be watching for new 'installments' with bated breath.