When Doper relationships go bad

[tiny ham]

So, in the midst of my little fiasco last week, I mentioned in a thread that I knew there were certain dopers that didn't like me. (a bunch of people then jumped in to assure me they weren't one) That was nice, but honestly, the people who don't like me, don't talk to me, and in fact assure me off board that they don't like me, and ignore me when I post to their threads or try to make ammends.

I guess what I wanted to get a feel for (WITHOUT NAMING NAMES) is what your reaction is to KNOWING that someone on the boards doesn't like you.

Do you avoid them? Is it possible to do so? Do you fan the flames? Apologize? Not care?

It seems so interesting that in a community like this, so many different relationship dynamics can come into play.


jar

[Superdude]

Well, as hard as this is to belive, jarbaby, I've learned that a person or two is, at the least, irritated by me and my antics on here. Part of me doesn't care, in that whole I'm-not-trying-to-impress-anyone-here-and-if-you-don't-like-me-kiss-my-ass kind of way. To those people who don't like me, I suggest they either tell me in the Pit why, or they don't read or post to anything I write. But another part of me wants to know why certain people don't like me. It's an odd mixture with me. I normally don't care whether or not someone hates me, but I'd like to understand their rationale, to see if I can agree with it. Does that make sense?

[GingerOfTheNorth]

In the grand scheme of things, it's just a message board. I can handle knowing that people do not like me, although I only know of one. It doesn't bother at all, because I know that for every person that dislikes me there are a hundred that do like me.

And jarbabyj, I love you. Just so's ya know. Now, can I borrow that blue sweater?

[Palmyra]

Everyone's got people that they generally don't care for, but considering how many people post here on a regular basis, it's fairly easiy to avoid their threads, or merely not respond to their posts within a thread.

"Do you fan the flames? Apologize? Not care?"

If someone doesn't like me, I'm unaware of it, and I think it should stay that way. It's not like there's anything I could really do about their opinion, excluding the possibility I did/said something terribly asinine. I'd apoligize where necessary, but I think personal squabbles should be kept off the boards.

Ultimately, I wouldn't care, 'cause making a big deal of it on the board only pisses off the Mods.

[Ethilrist]

Originally posted by GingerOfTheNorth
And jarbabyj, I love you. Just so's ya know. Now, can I borrow that blue sweater? [/b]

[begin Gilmore Girls]
No way, you'll get it all stretched out. Your boobs are way huger than mine.
[end GG]

[Jonathan Chance]

I honestly couldn't give a damn if people don't like me. Don't much care IRL and feel little need to care. There are certainly people here that I don't care for.

The only action I could imagine taking against them is hoping they don't come to my parties.

[FairyChatMom]

I don't usually get into head-butting matches - face it: I'm nice.

But over the past year or so, there have been a few misunderstandings and I've taken them to e-mail. Only one stayed bitter. Whatever. If someone thinks I'm a jerk, such is life. People in my day-to-day dealings have accused me of worse on occasion. Note the pain in my eyes...

[UncleBill]

I'd post to this thread, but I don't like jarbabyj.

DAMN! I already hit the REPLY button, I may as well continue. I have seen and experienced some pissed off folks (pissed at someone else) within these here walls, but more often than not they seem to make up, kissing may or may not be involved. I have hacked off a few myself, and the on- and off-board flirting may come to an abrupt end (I seem to only piss off women, duh), there doesn't seem to be too much avoidance that I have noticed. Any issues from over three months ago have gone away and things have returned to normal, so I must begin to work on my ability to REALLY piss people off, I'm not doing a very good job at it.

_{jarbabyj[/b], you know I love you!}

[Eonwe]

I don't think I've garnered any particular ill-will from anybody here so far... (if by well-wisher you mean someone who means you no specific harm...)

I've got such a bad memory for "who said what" sorts of things that even if I did get mad at someone, odds are that in less than 3 days I'd forget there was ever a conflict to begin with.

On the boards I tend to remember the funny and nice stuff, and forget all the icky stuff.

[MikeG]

I've managed to piss off a few people inadvertently, which I regret as I am a pretty easy going guy who is not out to hurt anyone. I basically try to make amends and if that doesn't work I just go about my (online) life as best I can. I don't go out of my way to interact with people who are mad at me, but I also don't shun them.

So to anyone who I have ever offended, mea culpa.

[Zanshin]

I think what Superdude said also sums up my outlook pretty well. Just like anywhere in life, there are people who like me and people who don't. If someone reacts negatively to something I've said, first I look at that statement to see whether that person may have a good reason to call it out (reference: a statement I made in the much-lamented Oprah pit thread) and if they're right, then I'll apologize and not try to do the same thing again. ('Cuz sometimes, in the moment, it's hard to tell whether I'm being a butthead or not. ) However, if I stand by what I said, then they're just gonna have to live with their disapproval.

And if I'm mad at someone, I'm usually pretty good about talking to them directly about it to see if we can come to a resolution, rather than avoid them or make sniping comments.

[Eve]

I am sufficiently well-bred that I trust the small handful of Dopers who am I appalled by and heartily detest are unaware of this fact. One of the beauties of the Internet is that they can't actually see me glaring through my lorgnette and them and avoiding their threads and posts.

[matt_mcl]

Those posters who dislike me because they have nothing between their ears (note the restrictive clause!) I feel free to have a little fun with. Poke! Poke! Poke! Hoo hoo!

As for the urbane and intelligent posters I've managed to piss off - well, I just don't pay attention, really. I just continue on in the normal fashion. Usually it just doesn't come up after the original heated incident, I find.

[tevya]

I would be suprised that someone noticed me enough to give a damn one way or the other. Then I would wonder what the heck I had done to incur their wrath. If I was in the wrong, I would try to make amends. If not I'd say: "Screw them. I don't need any new friends." But in a polite Eve-like way.

[CrankyAsAnOldMan]

The Dopers whom I've ticked off just seem to ignore me and leave me alone, so it's a non-issue.

They're bigger people than me--when someone irritates me, I tend to go read all their threads and find petty, contrary things to say (although nine out of ten times I find the restraint to not actually post those)

[Kamandi]

jarbaby, considering all messages posted here except yours are generated by the SDMB Master Computer to simulate an interactive environment for your enjoyment, your question is moot.

The Master Computer loves you, jarbaby.

:: POP! ::

[i]bzzzzzz_error-in-simulation-module_##72285()2!

Security fault #541
- Reboot from backup
- eliminate subject jarbabyj
-

[Tygr]

Wait...What?

Someone here doesn't like me?

What did I do?!? I try so hard to be completely innocuous and not offend anybody and now you tell me that someone here doesn't like me? Who is it? Oh, come on, you've GOT to tell me! Please... I'll just go crazy if you can't tell me who here doesn't like me. I can't stand it when someone doesn't like me. I'll do anything! Please tell me who it is! Bawww-waahhhh!

Wait. Maybe I can figger it out on my own... It's Coldfire isn't it? I've been feeling for months like I've been _{this far away} from being banned, and I'm sure it's because I was never able to send him that cake for his trip stateside, but I ran out of flour that night and my car broke down on the way to the store. I tried to walk it, but I haven't been able to buy the new sneakers I needed so I wound up with a blister and had to hitchhike home. Oh, why didn't you tell me about this sooner? I might have been able to make amends of some kind, but now it's too late... He hates me and I'll never be able to fix that. *waaah!*

[Tranquilis]

If someone didn't (doesn't) like me... Hmm...

Eh? So what? I post where I will, and could care less. I try not to be jerk, I expect the same of them, and the rest doesn't matter.

[SuaSponte]

Most of the people who don't like me end up getting banned or "voluntarily" abandon the boards. Not a warning, just an observation ...


Sua

[Payne N. Diaz]

Well, I haven't noticed yet that anyone here particularly likes me, but then I'm new, haven't been to any Dopefests, etc. so I'll just shut up now and stop rambling...

I haven't met anyone here I DIDN'T like, but then I've never met anyone...

Shutting up now...

[s]jarbabyj, you are one of my personal favorites![/s]

[magdalene]

Rumor has it that some people dislike me so much that it requires a whole separate Dopefests.

At Dopefests I try to just enjoy meeting everyone, even people whose posting persona I don't necessarily enjoy. There have been a few awkward moments when I'm being introduced to someone face-to-face for the first time and I realize "Holy shit, I just flamed the crap out of that person yesterday," but usually it seems that noone carries board shit into the party. So many people are different in real life than they are on the boards and it's hard to really dislike someone once you've broken bread. Even people who have sex in my bathroom!

I try to keep issues that are really personal off the boards - for example, since my boy posts here and knows Dopers, if we had a fight or problems I would never post about them. I get very squeamish when Dopers who are having problems in real life (especially couples or former couples) post personal shit here.

[NothingMan]

Dislike me ? Hell. I would suggest that dislike is at least a step-up from apathy which seems to torment me most. Dislike is having an opinion, wheras I tend to get none at all.

So screw you !

. . . or like, something . . . .

[J. Cutter]

I have much love for you all

[Drastic]

Do you fan the flames? Apologize? Not care?

My usual vote goes to "not care." Life's very short after all.

[Hamadryad]

The people who dislike me don't know me, so why should I care? It only bugs me when I find out that people have said things behind my back who, to my FACE, are nothing but sweetness and light. I think the folks who I am openly not entirely fond of (as though my opinion mattered) will probably agree that I don't bother going behind their backs to snipe at them.

If nothing else, folks can be assured that if they ask me a question I'll give them an HONEST answer. *shrug*

[rocking chair]

i figure it is like work relationships. if you don't get along with someone you just keep it business. if you know the answer to a question asked, you answer it. you don't go about poking at them, in the more personal forum. just the facts.

i'm more of the way eve is. people i dislike rarely know it. i agree with her, the "cut direct" is a bit tough to get across on the internet.

[obfusciatrist]

Those I don't like mostly get ignored, though I don't necessarily avoid them.

As far as I can recall, I've only been in 1.5 personal flamewars with people. Except for the one whole person I don't know of any specific person who dislikes me.

When I learn of such people, my first reaction is to cry myself to sleep that night, then write them plaintive emails inquiring as to which body part of theirs I need to suckle to return to their good graces. Then I go through a bitter phase when I hate them, a denial phase when I pretend I don't know they exist and finally a vindictive phase when I frame them for the death of a prominent political figure.

Usually the vindictive phase releases all tension and I can finally go on with my life.

I feel prickly at the back of my neck; I think Eve is glaring at me.

[Cervaise]

Well, I'm not sure if I should even be responding to this, given my strong suspicion that jarbaby doesn't really care for me. She hasn't said as much, but that's what I have to conclude from her total lack of response after I went to the trouble of shipping a custom-ordered Till Lindemann Realdoll to her home. (You did get it, right, hon?)

But other than jarbaby, I don't really think this applies to me. As far as I know, I've never really pissed anybody off. The few people I have tangled with are generally either insane or oblivious or both (e.g., seethruart and Wildest Bill), and they don't count. To my knowledge, no SDMB regulars have me on their shit list.

If someone wants to disabuse me of that notion -- or explain that nobody hates me because I don't make enough of an impression one way or the other -- please feel free.

[woodstockbirdybird]

Originally posted by tevya
I would be suprised that someone noticed me enough to give a damn one way or the other. Then I would wonder what the heck I had done to incur their wrath. If I was in the wrong, I would try to make amends. If not I'd say: "Screw them. I don't need any new friends." But in a polite Eve-like way.

Oh, pshaw, tevya. I've noticed you enough to hate you.
Hugs,
Woody

[pepperlandgirl]

Uh, I can think of three posters I either actively avoid, or try it ignore whenever possible. Although, I have to admit, that for the post part I don't even know who posts what, because I don't pay attention to names. And even if I do notice a poster who pisses me off, I tend only be upset for a day or two, then I forget the whole affair.
I usually don't worry too much if anybody on here likes me or not, but I will admit that if there are a few poster who don't like me, and I found out, I'd probably be crushed, because I think quite highly of them.

[hardygrrl]

I'll admit to being upset and/or irritated by some Dopers but since I don't care for them here, I won't interact with them elsewhere.


I've only been truly pissed at one Doper, and that was kept off the board. We have since resolved things.

_{and BTW, it wasn't Hamadryad. We may not always see eye to eye, but I respect her. There's no bullshit and that is refreshing.}

[MsRobyn]

I've had personal disagreements with a few people on this board, but for the most part, I've got no problems with anyone, and I assume from the lack of flaming that few people have any problems with me. Those I don't like simply get ignored. It's easiest that way.

And, for the record, jarbaby, you're my personal goddess.

Robin

[Kat]

I don't dwell on whether anyone likes or dislikes me. I probably couldn't tell you if anyone on this board likes me (as opposed to tolerates me) or dislikes me, or even remembers my name.

[LindyHopper]

Originally posted by Drastic

My usual vote goes to "not care." Life's very short after all.

Definitely. "Not care".

That being said, if someone I genuinely liked and/or respected professed to be pissed off with me for something, this would really bother me. I'd do my damnedest to figure out what the problem was, and hope that it was just a simple misunderstanding (I try very hard not to be offensive, and to be really, really nice; however, the flirty thing probably annoys some people more than they have the energy/willpower to admit).

My general strategy (when not shamelessly flirting with comely female Dopers) is to be so nice and harmless-seeming that it would seem to all but the most callous that flaming me and/or being overtly pissed at me would be like kicking a six-week-old Golden Retriever puppy. It doesn't actually take much; I'm actually really like that in real life.

Oh, and jarbabyj? I've said it before, and I'll say it again...RRROOOWWWLLL!

_{Translation: You're way, WAY up on my list. And yes, I realize this thread of yours wasn't a plea for affirmation. I can't help myself.}

[Badtz Maru]

I know some people don't like me because someone once posted an email from an anonymous person that included me in their shit list, but I don't know who they are. There are people I know have gripes with me, but nothing of the vendetta sort.

[MEBuckner]

Originally posted by Cervaise
To my knowledge, no SDMB regulars have me on their shit list.

If someone wants to disabuse me of that notion -- or explain that nobody hates me because I don't make enough of an impression one way or the other -- please feel free.

Cervaise, I think everybody is just too scared to mess with you.

_{Of course I mean that in a good way.}

[kabbes]

I hate you all so much that... flames... on the side of my face... burn...

[tevya]

Originally posted by woodstockbirdybird

Oh, pshaw, tevya. I've noticed you enough to hate you.
Hugs,
Woody

[Sally Fields] He hates me! He really, really hates me! [/Sally Fields]

[vanilla]

Heck, theres a few (I'm guessing 4)posters who don't like me, for whatever reason.
Most of them aren't even posting anymore.

[lieu]

I typically ignore their threads (but I can only think of 1 or 2 I've ever felt this way about as most everybody here I really enjoy conversing with).

And yes, the fact I'm here means I value your friendship too.

Pray tell, j'baby, how do you treat those you're not fond of?

[tiny ham]

Well, two of them I avoid at all costs, lest I get angry, and one, I've tried on a couple of occasions to remedy the relationship...to no avail.

I know that as a human being I can't please everyone all the time, but also as a human being it hurts to know there's someone out there saying "that jarbaby is such a bitch" icky. I don't like people to feel that way.

Cervaise! I love you with all my heart! I think they detained the Till Lindemann real doll in some mailroom...

boy, some mail carrier is having fun tonight!

jar

[Superdude]

Originally posted by tevya
I would be suprised that someone noticed me enough to give a damn one way or the other.

I've noticed you. You're cute as a bug, and bite-sized. I still haven't finished that ham. Thank Jack Chick for Tupperware!

[magdalene]

also as a human being it hurts to know there's someone out there saying "that jarbaby is such a bitch" icky. I don't like people to feel that way.

See, it would only hurt my feelings if it were someone I really liked and respected to begin with. When Jodi and I were locking heads post 9/11, we both still liked and respected each other, even when we strongly disagreed. If she or SuaSponte or you or Cranky suddenly posted "That magdalene is dumber than roadkill" it would bug me. But someone I've never met or really interacted with not liking my posts on an internet message board? Sheesh, I think I can handle it. I dish it out enough, for goodness' sake, and I certainly don't think the people I've tangled with in the Pit carry grudges elsewhere on the boards or really dwell on it much off the boards. Sometimes there have been email exchanges to the effect of "I generally really like you, I just didn't like what you SAID that one time" that seems to clear everything up.

Jarbabyj, I think one of the things we learned from the Oprah thread is that any prominent, vocal person will have both admirers and detractors. You are prominent on the boards, you take some unpopular opinions and defend them with wit and valor, you post sometimes for shock and sheer entertainment value. Not everyone loves that in a person. What's the big deal? Maybe you and the big O have more in common than you think.

[dalovindj]

I think half of the people who know who I am here hate me, and the other half love me. I've got a couple of theories as to why, but I'll not get into that here.

How do I react to those who don't seem to like me or what I am saying? If I'm busy, I ignore them. If I'm feeling rowdy, I'll flame them. If they misunderstand me, I'll try to enlighten them. In the end, I only engage in activities which are enjoyable or essential. So, since the internet is not essential, I keep it enjoyable. If I aint having fun I 'm not going to waste too many words or thoughts.

Flaming can be fun and a good vent. So I don't mind if an occaisional rivalry sparks up. Just be warned, you risk blowing all your cool coming at me, cause I'm just a fun-lovin' kid with a heart of gold, trying to make folks laugh and taking a shot at learning some things to later impress people IRL (specifically: Beautiful Baby's).

Dalovin' Dj

[tevya]

Originally posted by Superdude

I've noticed you. You're cute as a bug, and bite-sized. I still haven't finished that ham. Thank Jack Chick for Tupperware!

Aww! Thanks Superdude!

[SuaSponte]

Man, that magdalene is dumber than roadkill.

Sua

[magdalene]

That hurts, man. :weeping sounds:

[Medea's Child]

The only Doper relationship I had that went bad went really bad off the boards and I tried my hardest to keep it off the boards. (I failed, but only for a split second, board time. But it does mean that I had my own pit thread!)

As for board relationships...I'm too flighty and stupid to realise if people don't like me. There are people I don't like and I avoid them. For people who don't like me...well its going to happen some of the time. I'm myself, all of the time, and there is no other way I can be. If that upsets someone...well...um...I'm sorry (?) but this is life.

So basically, don't care. Personalities clash. just don't draw blood and all is well.

[CrankyAsAnOldMan]

Originally posted by magdalene
That hurts, man. :weeping sounds:

Maybe you should watch something uplifting and affirming today to make yourself feel better.

Like, say..... Oprah.

[seawitch]

Well, crap. Now I'm all paranoid. I've been blithely assuming that none of my posts was important enough to react to, and that people were ignoring me because they hadn't noticed. Since I'm having so much fun, though, I'd been planning on blathering away until I develop something approaching an online personality.

Now I have to worry that I've actually alienated folks with said blathering, and that they're ignoring me because that's the polite way to hate me. Eeek!

Truthfully, I'm not too subtle and none too perceptive. If I hate somebody I'll tell 'em (nobody... yet), and if they hate me, they'll have to tell me. Probably twice before I realize they mean it.