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  #1  
Old 11-21-2001, 08:50 AM
tiny ham tiny ham is offline
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Dear Santa,

I've sent along a catalog that really only you should look at. Please note that the shackles on page 24 are NOT padded, and do not bring the shackles pictured below them which are.

Also, do you whip the reindeer? Or do they obey you without any prodding? If so, where's the fun in that?

Love,

Arden Ranger

*****************************

Dear Santa,

As I peruse my closet I see that I'm completely out of fuzzy bunnies AND duct tape. This will make birthdays and welcomes very difficult, and because I'm a student, I am strapped for cash right now. Could you help me out?

Sincerely,

Tiggeril

*******************************

Dear Santa,

I'll make it short. Send me a curvy, tan beach babe with a kick ass camel toe.

And a case of beer.

And a carton of smokes.

Yours in Christ,

Mr.Cynical
  #2  
Old 11-21-2001, 08:55 AM
Gartog Gartog is offline
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Dear Santa

For Christmas I would like a Big Ass German guy, who knows how to smoke, only I don't think I can wait till then.

-J
  #3  
Old 11-21-2001, 09:08 AM
roadrunner70 roadrunner70 is offline
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Dear Santa,

I believe Anna Kournikova would slide down my chimney quite nicely.

Yours in heat,
Weedeater
  #4  
Old 11-21-2001, 09:13 AM
galen ubal galen ubal is offline
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Dear Santa;

Nice coat.

As my bunnies were first vacuumed and then lagonapped, I find I need some more. Please make them cute and fuzzy. I also need some more body paint and massage oil.

Love and kisses,
alice in wonderland
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  #5  
Old 11-21-2001, 09:41 AM
Ethilrist Ethilrist is online now
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Dear Santa:

I'd like a copy of How Things Work.

Wildest Bill
  #6  
Old 11-21-2001, 09:48 AM
Gartog Gartog is offline
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Dear Santa,

This Christmas I would like a Nobel Physics Prize.

h
  #7  
Old 11-21-2001, 10:00 AM
VenusProbe VenusProbe is offline
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Dear Santa,
I've been a good boy all year, can I please have a medium size knob polisher with perky headlights, a five speed gearbox and a plush seat. (any color)

If that's too much to ask, I'd like 365 donuts.

Thank you,
VP
  #8  
Old 11-21-2001, 10:11 AM
carnivorousplant carnivorousplant is online now
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Dear Santa,

Enough hormones so that Dionaea muscipula will grow large enough to eat Cecil Adams and all these other scumb...

Hello?

Hello?
  #9  
Old 11-21-2001, 10:38 AM
thinksnow thinksnow is offline
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Dearest Santa,

I'm looking to round out my collection and it seems all I'm missing is puce. I'd really, really like a puce Vibro-O-Matic, 2000, please.

Tremblingly yours,
  • Porupine
*******************************

Yo, Sants,

Check dis, I needs to git my crib phat. Drop me some spin-sets, yo. Some mad-fly turntables, bra.

Peaz-out,
  • dalovindj
*******************************

Santa, darling,

It has come to my attention that there is a new, bigger, product available. If you could see it in your heart to bring me the New, Improved Butt-Plug of Ruination, I'd be ever-so grateful.
  • Nymysys
*******************************
Dear Santa,

Any chance your elves know auto repair? If you could lend me one of them fellas for a few hours and have them fix the air-dam on my car, that would make my Holiday a good one.

I blame Chicago,
  • Dyno
*******************************
Dear Santa,

What I'd really like this Holiday Season are my files back. If you could get into my hard drive and do that for my, I'd give you what you've been asking for for months: cleavage on the webcam.

Think about it,
  • GingerOfTheNorth
*******************************
Dear Santa,

Please bring snow. Lots and lots of snow.
That is all.
  • ts
  #10  
Old 11-21-2001, 10:43 AM
Gartog Gartog is offline
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ts Your writting to the wrong man, everyone knows . . .


The snowman brings the snow . . . .
  #11  
Old 11-21-2001, 12:19 PM
DAVEW0071 DAVEW0071 is offline
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Santa? Santa who? Sorry, wrong number.

Chaim Mattis Keller
  #12  
Old 11-21-2001, 12:25 PM
Why A Duck Why A Duck is offline
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Quote:
Originally posted by Gartog
ts Your writting to the wrong man, everyone knows . . .


The snowman brings the snow . . . .
No no no. Everyone knows it's The Snow Miser. Sheesh.
  #13  
Old 11-21-2001, 12:30 PM
flodnak flodnak is offline
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Dear Santa,

You know what I really want this year: Peace on Earth, Goodwill toward Men.

Since that obviously ain't gonna happen, how about a lifetime membership in the Massage of the Week Club?

flodnak
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  #14  
Old 11-21-2001, 01:52 PM
CrankyAsAnOldMan CrankyAsAnOldMan is offline
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Dear Santa,

All I want for Christmas is a real pit thread. One with real self-righteous, overblown indignation and full of false claims and exaggerations and misstatements of fact. Something meaty, with my name on it.

Ever yours,

Collounsbury

************************

Deer Santa,

bring me brain. thank very much. If brain too much to ask for, tuna.

--Roger (Briminator's roommate's cat)

*************************
Dear Santa,

I know you're going to find this a strange request, but I don't know who else to turn to. I just want my roommate back. I want the bitching, kvetching, sarcastic, cranky PMSing, cramp-riddled housemate I've come to know and love. The person who is living here now looks like her, but she's not complaining. There's something not right. Please contact the body snatcher or aliens who took the real one and make them give her back. Lord, she is missed.

Love,

magdalene's roommate

*************************

Dear Santa,

We'll make this brief. We'd like an even bigger server, more common sense among the teeming millions, and an anonymous donor to make our subscription program unnecessary.

Thanks,

The Mods

P.S. We love the hottub from last year, but would it be too much to ask for another? We're getting sick of sharing with Uncle Beer, who seems to find it hilarious to fart in it.

P.P.S If you do bring the new hottub, how about thong bikinis for the lady mods?

******************************

Santa,

If you're bringing thong bikinis for the Lady Mods, could you also take a webcam over? Thanks loads.

--The Teeming Millions
  #15  
Old 11-21-2001, 02:18 PM
Waverly Waverly is offline
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Dear Santa,
Please bring me a an autographed copy of Carl Saganís Demon Haunted World, and perhaps a slide rule if it isnít too much trouble. BTW, do your reindeer fly in an infinitely recursive, or fractal growth [sym]F[/sym]-spiral when delivering presents?
Hiryuu
  #16  
Old 11-21-2001, 03:16 PM
Mr. Cynical Mr. Cynical is offline
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Dear Santa

i would apreciate it very much if at some pointe in time you could find it in your heart and sould to do such a thing as consider me an maybe even decipher what i write here and help me to write comprehensibly.

Yours,

bj0rn.
  #17  
Old 11-21-2001, 03:19 PM
Mr. Cynical Mr. Cynical is offline
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Dear Santa,

I'd like a pre-paid subscription to Truckin's SUV Magazine.

I would also like to SCORE!

May I have a pot and kettle? Both black?

:wally
fatherjohn
  #18  
Old 11-21-2001, 03:42 PM
ultress ultress is offline
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Dear Santa,
Could I please have a lifetime subscription to O Magazine (you know, Oprah's Magazine).

Love ya,
jarbabyj

________________________________________________

Dear Santa,
Could I please have sex, lots of sex, lots and lots of sex.
No wrapping needed.

Thanks in advance,
Euty


_____________________________________________________

Dear Santa,
I need a stun-gun, Model X-56 to use on all those dopers that harrass me and follow me all over the board.

Love that hair, big guy,

Esprix


_____________________________________________________

Dear Santa,
Tuppaware, lots and lots, all shapes and sizes.

Yours truly,
ShirleyUJest

_____________________________________________________

Dear Santa,
A new hit record, well, first of all, the band that goes with it.

Singing for you,
aha


____________________________________________________

Dear Santa,
Don't let the board go to pay. This is all I want for Christmas.

Nacho4Sara

____________________________________________________

Dear Santa,
Please let me grow up to be just like Ultress.

Thanks,

Cartooniverse
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  #19  
Old 11-21-2001, 04:09 PM
CrankyAsAnOldMan CrankyAsAnOldMan is offline
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Dear Santa

Forget what I asked for before. In fact, you can forget bringing me anything at all for Christmas if you just do this one thing for me: please don't let Ohio State be too humiliated this weekend.

Desperately,

thinksnow
  #20  
Old 11-21-2001, 04:41 PM
Francesca Francesca is offline
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Dear Santa,

Underpants.

SPOOFE

**************************

Cara Santa,

Pervolam gladium perscitum et micans.

Maeglin.

**************************

Dear Santa,

I'm a easy-going kind of guy. I could ask for some new pants or something. But it's christmas, so they'd have to be special pants. Well, fairly special pants. I mean, I wouldn't want you going all-out for me. You hardly know me. Lets not rush into things here. Sheesh.

Rue, Letter Guy
PS. The Little WomanTM would like some stilts.
  #21  
Old 11-21-2001, 04:47 PM
scout1222 scout1222 is offline
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Thank you, Fran, I was hoping someone would get to Rue, and I couldn't think of anything funny enough. You were perfect.

**********

Dear Santa,

All I want is a hat with a feather in it. You know, to match my purse (or is it a satchel) and my cane.

Masculinly yours,

Feynn

**********

Dear Santa,

One thing. That's all I ask for Christmas. IMHO Prom King/Class Clown.

Enough Said,

Fenris
  #22  
Old 11-21-2001, 04:56 PM
Miss Creant Miss Creant is offline
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Dear Santa,

I would love it if you could bring me
something for my huge, gravitational head.

Love,
Joey H
  #23  
Old 11-22-2001, 01:04 PM
GingerOfTheNorth GingerOfTheNorth is offline
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Posts: 11,014
Dear Santa:

Please make my husband's sex drive stop. I'm tired.


Love, Persephone
***************************

Dear Santa:

Please, please, for the love of God, make all the Hot Doper Wimmens chase someone else. I'm tired of being treated like a piece of meat.

Love, UncleBill
***************************

Dear Santa:

If it's not too much to ask, would you give me cooking lessons? I'm tired of Jack In The Box and frozen waffles.

Love, JavaMaven
***************************

Dear Santa:

Please find me a 65 year old man with no man-boobs, and no sex drive. I am tired of hot young things buzzing about and interrupting my dream-catcher-making time. Also, bring me some fried chicken.

Love, MamaHen
***************************

Dear Santa:

I would like for the sports channels that broadcast to my area to just go away. They get in the way of my figure-skating watching time, and I am not following Oksana Baiul's career closely enough.

Love, Weirddave
***************************

Dear Santa:

I would like some new velcro gloves this year.

Love, Scylla
***************************

Dear Santa:

Please bring me an unlimited supply of freaky cyber-stalker dudes from the middle east. I can't get enough of them. Also, cleavage would be nice, if you have room in your sack. Oh, and a job that allows me more time to spend at the Straight Dope, too.

Love, GingerOfTheNorth
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  #24  
Old 11-24-2001, 10:09 PM
thinksnow thinksnow is offline
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Thank you, Cranky!

Quote:
CrankyAsAnOldMan
...please don't let Ohio State be too humiliated this weekend.
Looks like Santa came early this year, eh? You should know better than to tempt a man wearing Scarlet and Grey (okay, so it's red and fire-place ash, but still...).
  #25  
Old 11-24-2001, 10:22 PM
MEBuckner MEBuckner is offline
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I can't believe no one's done this one yet....

Dear Santa:

All I want for Christmas is my foreskin back.

Sincerely,

Jack Dean Tyler
  #26  
Old 11-25-2001, 01:44 AM
Silver Fire Silver Fire is offline
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Damn you! Damn you straight to the fiery depths of hell, MEBuckner!!
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  #27  
Old 11-25-2001, 08:53 AM
Cougarfang Cougarfang is offline
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Dear Santa:
All I want is catnip, lots and lots of tummyrubs, and plenty of caviar.
Purrs,
~cougarfang~

P.S. and can you get my friend Wind Sorceress a spell-compatible computer? Thank you very much
  #28  
Old 11-25-2001, 09:36 AM
sturmhauke sturmhauke is offline
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Dear Santa,

I wanna be a big movie star. Telenovelas and space operas are OK and all, but I have to think about my career.

celestina

*****

Dear Santa,

I want Kenny merchandise. You know, I killed Kenny, I have explosive diarreah, all that stuff. Thanks.

cmkeller

*****

Dear Santa,

Please don't give me Arcanum, Kessen II, Civ III, Diablo II Expansion, or any other video games. I am trying to finish school here.

sturmhauke
  #29  
Old 11-25-2001, 10:05 AM
CrankyAsAnOldMan CrankyAsAnOldMan is offline
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Re: Thank you, Cranky!

Quote:
Originally posted by thinksnow
Quote:
CrankyAsAnOldMan
...please don't let Ohio State be too humiliated this weekend.
Looks like Santa came early this year, eh? You should know better than to tempt a man wearing Scarlet and Grey (okay, so it's red and fire-place ash, but still...).
I know, all night long I've been wondering how you, you of all people, could have been such a good boy all year that Santa would reward you in spades like this.

All I can say is, thank god Bunnygirl asked Mr. Cranky and I to come over for dinner last night. If she hadn't, Mr. Cranky would have actually attended that game. Talk about a waste of an afternoon....
  #30  
Old 11-25-2001, 10:09 AM
MsRobyn MsRobyn is offline
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Dear Hanukkah Harry,

All these Doper birthdays and all have taken their toll on my baking stuff. Can I have a new set? I'm not picky, but I prefer Calphalon.

Thank you in advance,

MsRobyn
  #31  
Old 11-25-2001, 10:51 AM
Ayesha Ayesha is offline
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Dear Hanukkah Harry,

I know I already asked for baking stuff, and while that would be nice what I really meant to ask for is a certaian Airman who shall remain nameless. He doesn't have to be gift wrapped, in fact I prefer him naked.

Thank you in advance again
Ms Lusty Robyn

Please don't kill me Robyn

Dear Santa

How are you ? I am doing well. I would like to discover a new type of beer. It should be a dark beer, one that tastes great, is less filling and is totally counteracted by one cup of coffee no matter how much I drink.

Thanks
UncleBeer
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  #32  
Old 11-25-2001, 04:15 PM
JavaMaven1 JavaMaven1 is offline
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Inspired by his IRC quit line...


Dear Santa

Please bring me more pubes. These two are getting lonely.


Thanks,
Mercutio


ducks & runs
  #33  
Old 11-25-2001, 04:35 PM
TVeblen TVeblen is offline
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Quote:
Originally posted by thinksnow


Butt-Plug of Ruination[/i]
Band name!
  #34  
Old 11-25-2001, 06:38 PM
Nymysys Nymysys is offline
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Hey, hey, HEY! Let's leave my butt plug out of this, shall we? The Butt Plug of Doom is good enough for any man, woman or beast, thenkyewveddymuch.

Geez, thinksnow, you'll scare the chilluns.

Man, ya throw one little ChiDope or two and people think they know ya......

And, since I'm in this thread:

Dear Jewwy Claus,
A billion dollars and a Danny Elfman soundtrack for my next movie, please. We'll talk, babe. My people can pencil yours in for lunch. Also, let every, single 14 year old with a crush on Seann William Scott get into my R rated movie.
Love your work, and I mean that.
Morphy

Asshole,
Just a motherlovin' BREAK, dude! PLEASE?!
Nen

Yo, big dude!
Nuttin' here, man. I'm all cool. Just some peace and love and for people to chill the fuck out and shit.
Peace out, yo.
Demo

Santa,
I've tried everything. I've flirted, I've improved myself, I've made sacrifices and concessions. I've befrinded his friends, even.

Please let Maeglin finally notice me for the love-monkey I am.
lno
P.S. You've gotten a bad deal on your translation. I'll take care of that if you hook me up.
  #35  
Old 11-25-2001, 06:41 PM
MamaHen MamaHen is offline
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Dear Santa,
Only one request, heal my nroken heart please? Oh and a life time supply of batteries wouldn't hurt either
  #36  
Old 11-25-2001, 07:19 PM
sturmhauke sturmhauke is offline
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Dear Santa,

Don't give SPOOFE my underpants. I wouldn't be the same without them.

FireUnderpantsBoobs
  #37  
Old 11-25-2001, 07:24 PM
Nymysys Nymysys is offline
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Quote:
Originally posted by Nymysys
...I've befrinded his friends, even.
Including the ones that can't spell.



*sigh*
  #38  
Old 11-26-2001, 01:45 AM
celestina celestina is offline
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________
sturmhauke said:
"Dear Santa,

I wanna be a big movie star. Telenovelas and space operas are OK and all, but I have to think about my career.

celestina"
___________

LOL!!!!! How did you know, dear? :0)

***************

Dear Santa,

Please disable the function on Persephone's computer. Thank you in advance for your prompt attention to this matter.

Love,

Xploder



***************

Dear Santa,

Please send me a fairy godmother who can with a wave of her magic wand instantaneously clean my house up for me before folks get here for the Dopefest in January. Thanks.

Biggirl

***************
  #39  
Old 11-26-2001, 03:56 AM
sturmhauke sturmhauke is offline
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Quote:
Originally posted by celestina
LOL!!!!! How did you know, dear? :0)
It's like Colibri said, I'm either psychic or psychotic. Perhaps both. I believe the matter may best be settled by a vote. The unitiated should refer to Collounbury's most unsatisfactory Pit thread. Just remember to keep your arms and legs inside the vehicle at all times.
  #40  
Old 11-26-2001, 07:32 PM
MsRobyn MsRobyn is offline
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Quote:
Originally posted by Ayesha
Dear Hanukkah Harry,

I know I already asked for baking stuff, and while that would be nice what I really meant to ask for is a certaian Airman who shall remain nameless. He doesn't have to be gift wrapped, in fact I prefer him naked.

Thank you in advance again
Ms Lusty Robyn

Please don't kill me Robyn
He would be more than welcome under my menorah! If only I didn't have to share him with the USAF...

Robin
  #41  
Old 11-26-2001, 07:53 PM
thinksnow thinksnow is offline
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Dear Santa,

Could you drop off a copy of How to Win Friends and Influence People, please? I'm so terribly shy, I am really hoping to try to come out of my shell next year.
  • -Superdude
*******************************

Dear Santa,

A second nipple.
  • -idiotboy
*******************************

Dear Santa,

My life is soooooo boring, could you bring something, anything, by the house to give me something to occupy my time? I just have too much time on my hands!
  • -Sophie
PS: Bring diapers! For god's sake, bring diapers!
  #42  
Old 11-26-2001, 10:07 PM
Creaky Creaky is offline
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Dear Santa,

Hope this note finds you well. Regarding this year's Christmas request: how's about I give you a present; namely, those ten extra pounds that are currently making me very unhappy? I'd desperately like to be a size four, and ditching that last ten just might do it.

So whaddaya say? Ten more pounds won't make a difference on you, dude; you're already a big fat guy!

Thanks and Signed Most Sincerely,
Creaky Haverhill Blackwood
  #43  
Old 11-27-2001, 01:16 AM
Juniper200 Juniper200 is offline
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Dear Santa,

I'd like a new Squiggle Wiggle Writer this year; the old one is all worn out. Also, I could use some Indian cookbooks, a Hindi phrasebook, and a car. Especially the car.

Much love,
tsarina

*****

Dear Santa,

The entire contents of the Amazon.com DVD section, and make it snappy. Also, I really don't think the 17-inch LCD monitor, harman/kardon speakers, and PalmPilot are too much to ask. Oh, and a new gas gauge for the Jeep, please.

Thanks in advance,
Tattva

P.S. If you see Hannukah Harry, could you ask him to bring a new hat for my sweetie? The old one's seen some wear if you know what I mean.

*****

Dear Santa,

All I want for Christmas this year is to have that creepy guy next door stop peeking through my windows. He's scaring the cat.

Thank you,
mrblue
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  #44  
Old 11-27-2001, 12:33 PM
Gorgon Heap Gorgon Heap is offline
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celestina Durnit! I was going to use the one about Persephone!!


Dear Santa,

How you doin'?
Fenris
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  #45  
Old 11-27-2001, 01:05 PM
Billdo Billdo is offline
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Yo Fat Guy,

I've been mean, nasty and naughty this year, so I don't deserve anything but a big lump of coal in my stocking.

Piss off,

Anthracite
  #46  
Old 11-27-2001, 01:31 PM
Padeye Padeye is offline
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Dearest Santa,

I want interchangable taget pistol grips that match my fingernail polish, skull Carl Perkins, skull Jonny Cash and skull Jerry Lee Lewis to go with skull Elvis (I want to complete the skull Sun Sessions set), ninja throwing stars, a Conan style broadsword and a masonry drill so I can install hooks to display it on the wall.

Mauvaise
------------------------
Santa,

I want a chain for my driver's license that I can attach to a body piercing so I don't lose it and have to go through the whole Midnight Express thing the next time I fly to Los Angeles.

Strainger
  #47  
Old 11-27-2001, 01:43 PM
racinchikki racinchikki is offline
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Dear Santa,

I would like an old Jeep. Or a Hudson Hornet. Or a '56 Ford. Or a Mercury Marauder. Or a Superbird. Or a Nash Metropolitan (I could carry it around in the trunk of the Hornet as an escape pod!). Or a ...

Y'know, nevermind. Just give me SOME kind of old car, that's not this piece of crap. Please?

Gunslinger
  #48  
Old 11-27-2001, 01:49 PM
Sophie Sophie is offline
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Join Date: Oct 2000
Location: Memphis, TN, USA
Posts: 470
Santa,

Just one perfect kiss.

thinksnow
  #49  
Old 11-27-2001, 02:03 PM
iampunha iampunha is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2000
Location: Texas
Posts: 15,010
Santa:

Just please leave me alone this year? All I want is for my computer to work. Well, that's all you can give me that I really want and ain't getting myself.

Please?

iampunha
  #50  
Old 11-27-2001, 02:26 PM
Zappo Zappo is offline
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Join Date: Sep 2000
Location: Somewhere west of Laramie
Posts: 1,211
Dear Santa,

Nice suit. Did I ever tell you red looks good on ya?

I have been a really good girl this year and it would be faaaaabulous if you brought me a new kitchen, a BMW Z3 and Alice from the Brady Bunch.

Smooches,

Sophie

************************************************************

Dear Santa,

Please bring me the Harrah's Automobile Collection. And if you put it in the dorm lot, please make sure the cars all have resident student stickers so Public Safety doesn't tow them.

Thanks.

Your friend in fins,

racinchikki
***********************************************************
Dear Big Red,

I would like a one way ticket to Ohio.

Love,

Snickers
************************************************************

Dear Mr. Claus:

A '66 Eldorado in Emberglow, with a white leather interior and white top. And a week in New Orleans. With [REDACTED].

Thanking you in advance for your kind courtesy and cooperation I remain,

Very truly yours,

Zappo, Esquire
__________________
"A man with no education may steal from a boxcar. A man who goes to college and becomes a lawyer can steal the railroad." -Theodore Roosevelt
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