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#1
07-16-2003, 01:23 AM
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Ask "The Straight Eye for the Gay Guy"
You look around and you'll notice that a lot of gay guys need some help with their style, grooming, their taste in music, etc. So, in the grand tradition of "reality TV" and televised makeovers, I offer you "The Straight Eye for the Gay Guy."
A disclaimer here: We're not recruiting. We're not out to convert you to our lifestyle. At least I'm not. Live and let live, I always say. Besides, I've heard too many chicks say "the best men are either gay or married." So considering how many women like your style, I sure don't want to convert you to straightdom and increase the competition. I just want to start a thread where people can ask a straight guy for tips and advice. So let's start dishing out those style tips. FASHION It's no secret that a lot of gay guys need help here. I think I know what the problem is. They just reach into the closet and grab any old thing that has an impressive label on it. Well, if the sleeves of a suitcoat come down to your fingertips, or barely reach past your elbows, you look like a clown. Doesn't matter what the label is. Remember, "If the suit don't fit, Versace ain't shit." Shoes. Nothing is more comfortable than old shoes. I got a pair of deck shoes that look like they were found on a Peruvian mummy. You'll get them when you pry them from my cold, dead feet. GROOMING Don't file your nails in the office. Just don't. M'kay? But on the last day of the month, I always clip my toenails. (No, not in the office.) I clip them more often if I'm going hiking. You see, a toenail can rub against the adjacent toe, and on long hikes it could wear away enough to cut your toe and start it bleeding. If you think this might happen, be sure to wear white socks, so you can show off the blood. Skin care. I believe that the only straight guys who are permitted to exfoliate are the ones who have gone to prep school. I guess they teach it there. Otherwise, skin care must involve pinching, picking, tearing and popping. As far a scented stuff is concerned, we use only the scents that girlfriends have given us. That means we have to make sure the right scent is applied for the right girlfriend. So when given a new bottle of cologne, it's best to put some masking tape on the bottle and label it "Ashley," "Melanie," or "Heather" as appropriate. Mistakes in this regard are costly, and could leave permanent scars. That's about it for protecting your skin. SPORTS. You can be a straight guy and not care squat about sports. The key is to find out what sports the other guys are talking about and then take this approach: "You watch baseball? What about football?" If they also watch football, just keep asking about some other sport, like Australian Rules Football. (This won't work so well if you're actually in Australia.) The typical fan of some obscure sport will positively jump at the chance to explain the rules to anyone unfortunate enough to be listening. Give 'em free rein, and you don't have to say a thing. As a last resort, bring up Irish Hurling. This will always result in bemused looks followed by lame jokes about drinking too much Guinness, then the topic switches to drinking and you're home free. Unless there's an actual fan of Irish Hurling, who will then jump at the chance to explain the rules to anyone unfortunate enough to be listening. If you're in the United States, you're entitled to be bored by soccer. Don't sweat it. HOME DECOR. The basics: Don't buy so much breakable crap. If it's delicate, it's a threat. Straight guys like stuff that can take an errant basketball and all you have to do is pick it up and put it back. Extra points if it's stain resistant. Or just colored so you can't tell. Other than that, forget all the stereotypes you have heard about straight guys' decor. It does not consist of poker-playing dogs, neon bar signs and girly pictures. The truth is, the typical straight guys' home decor is no decor at all. Why put stuff on the walls you can't just paint over when spills and sprays get too thick? And if you put something on a wall, it's like an admission of defeat that you will never put a home theater there. Straight guys decorate with electronics. So keep it simple. You don't have to dust walls. Hot tip. Track lighting looks really cool. You guys ought to try it. GUNS Rifles are the big ones that take two hands. Pistols are the smaller ones that take one hand. Perhaps someone can supply us with symbolism to serve as a memory aid. If you work in a fairly liberal environment, you don't have to know much about guns. In fact, admitting that you own a gun is tantamount to saying you have an outhouse, a coon dog and a Chevy up on blocks. About the only liberal workplace where you will need to know a lot about guns is if you're a rap music critic. MUSIC And speaking of music. The courts have widely held that it is not illegal for two consenting adults to enjoy opera in the privacy of their own homes. But the keyword is "consenting." It is still illegal to inflict opera on someone who is unable to give informed consent. As it should be. Also, if it doesn't have some deep, personal meaning for you, Gloria Gaynor's "I Am What I Am" sort of sucks. No need to hum it all day. FOOD If it tastes good, who cares how it looks. That does it for my first installment of "Straight Eye for the Gay Guy." Let me know if you have any questions. 
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#3
07-16-2003, 04:22 AM
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The reviews of our first season are in -- and all the critics agree: "wow ... but wow ..."
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#5
07-16-2003, 10:21 AM
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Funniest line:
"And if you put something on a wall, it's like an admission of defeat that you will never put a home theater there. Straight guys decorate with electronics. " This gay guy is amused and takes it in the spirit it's meant.
__________________
SkipMagic: Poor Homebrew. As you slowly spiral toward insanity, we'll always remember you fondly.
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#6
07-16-2003, 10:31 AM
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Re: Ask "The Straight Eye for the Gay Guy"
Quote:
This is for fighting, this is for fun! Well, almost. 
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#7
07-16-2003, 11:07 AM
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Dear Satisfying,
At work we are required to wear 'business casual' which usually means dark trousers and a button up shirt. How should I accessorize this look to give my look more individuality?
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#8
07-17-2003, 03:13 AM
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One of the timeless classics of Straight Guy accessorizing is the tasteful, understated patch for the shirt. Select a patch with a white background and a simple red border. Have your first name stitched onto it, and sew it onto your shirt above the left breast pocket. A patch that says "Bippy" is a statement: "I'm customer oriented, and I take my job seriously. May I help you?" A crisp, smart patch will make you stand out from the crowd at the garage or loading bay. Of course, many Straight Guys have discovered the secret of accessorizing with a baseball cap. It can be worn informally (the bill backward) for casual days, yet it easily converts to formal with the bill forward. This versatility makes it a must for the Straight Guy wardrobe. Also, the area above the bill provides room for important public-service announcements that will draw attention and admiration. One caveat is the camouflage pattern. Because "camo" is associated with the outdoors, some workplaces find it a bit too informal. When in doubt, check with your Human Resources department. But the pinnacle of Straight Guy accessorizing is the hand-tooled Tandy Leather™ belt. Be creative and go wild with the special lacing and stitching. And nothing impresses the chicks like being able to say "I made it myself!" Play your cards right, and they'll be saying "What else can you do with your hands, Tiger?" Besides, what guys can resist the joy of wetting down a piece of leather, taking out their tools, and giving it a good pounding. I hope that gives you all some ideas. As always, I'm glad to offer advice and answer your questions. The Straight Eye for the Gay Guy.
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#9
07-17-2003, 07:58 AM
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Quote:
 It's a joke man. a joke. Not malicious... Just parodying a show on TV. Ease of the "self important/victim" coctail and perhaps have a valium...
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#10
07-17-2003, 10:22 AM
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Dear Straight Eye,
I've been thinking about beer bellies. Don't have one myself (can't stand the taste of beer) but I'm curious about proper display. Would you recommend trading in one's wife-beaters for a size smaller, or would slinging the Wranglers below the equator be the way to go? The small shirt would have the advantage of also highlighting back and arm flab, but with the low-riding jeans...butt crack! Please advise.
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#11
07-17-2003, 11:43 AM
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Dear Satisfying:
I already have a home theatre system. Can't I accessorize my walls, just a little? I've had my eye on this wonderfully cute postmodern art deco cuckoo clock (all ceramic, and handmade in Libya!) on eBay, and I simply must have it.
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#12
07-18-2003, 02:31 AM
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Not all men have been blessed with the natural ability to grow a beer gut. Here are some tips for beer-gut wannabes. First, get you one them "guayabera" Mexican wedding shirts and wear it untucked. An awful lot of straight guys wear these untucked thinking they hide a beer gut (the don't) so if you wear one, people will just assume you have a beer gut. A fundamental principle of fashion sense is fooling the eye. Plus you can get these shirts in some real loud colors, for true straight-guy fashion smartness. As for adopting a smaller wife-beater -- my advice is no. Going with a smaller garment to hide a figure flaw is never a good idea. If you have that upper-arm flab, plus those few random hairs, then flaunt them. But if you don't have them, you can never fake them with a smaller garment. Instead, go the opposite way. Get BIG clothes. Layer 'em. An XXXXL wife-beater, under an XXXXL T-shirt, under an XXXXL flannel shirt, under an XXXXL sweatshirt, under an XXXXL starter jacket. Then put a shirt on. Hey, if chicks are allowed to wear Wonder Bras, you're allowed to do this. It's not like you're cheating or nothing. Just tell them you're cold. What can they say -- women are always feeling cold. But if the lack of a beer belly is causing you serious emotional pain, my advice is to talk it over with a counselor and see if you are a candidate for implants. They make silicone-free beer guts these days ranging in size from Steven Seagal to Chris Farley. Now you can have the shape you've always envied. (I know some people in this forum will flame me, saying I'm feeding the suffering they already feel for having six-pack abs. Well, lighten up, already. It's not always about you, m'kay?) Now for the important matter of butt cleavage. Most straight guys have a pretty good sense of when it is appropriate and when it's not. On the basketball court, appropriate. At your niece's christening, not. Some situations virtually demand an obligatory amount of butt crack, such as working under the sink. The key is knowing when. The Straight Guy has a simple rule: If you're repairing something, butt crack is acceptable. For formal situations, it usually isn't. For guys with a tendency to forget when you're allowed to crack-flash, match the situation to what you have in your hand. If it's For home repair, You can bare. Champagne glass, Cover ass. It's really that simple. However, as with all matters of etiquette, there are always exceptions. I ran into one at a buddy's funeral -- I mean wedding. I was in a rented tuxedo, and a lot of straight guys will know that when the occasion calls for formal wear, you don't want to be showing a lot of butt crack. But then my buddy asked me if I'd hotwire this backhoe, because one of his ex-wives had shown up drunk at the wedding even though he told her to stay away. And he wanted me to fire up that backhoe so we could toss her Honda Accord (formerly his Honda Accord) around a little bit. Standing there in my tux, you can imagine what I said to this odd request. I said, shitchess! Most folks throw rice at weddings; we were gonna throw a ricer. So I crawled up on that backhoe and got to work, and I imagine I showed my share of butt crack there. But man, it was worth it. I been to so many weddings where the highlight is tossing a garter or a bouquet, but you shoulda seen the guests when a Honda went sailing by. Anyway, this exertion did have an effect on my rented tux, and the rental place was really nasty after I mailed it back to them -- after wearing it as I fled to Cancun. With my buddy. In his luggage. We still can't go back to Nebraska. Got a warrant out or something.
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#13
07-18-2003, 03:03 AM
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Dear Straight Eye:
As a straight woman, there's nothin' I like better than my man belchin' and fartin'. But in my youth, I foolishly feel in love with and married a symphony-loving, croquet playing, prep school educated stuffed shirt and wine snob who has more manners than a picnic has ants. He's so repressed that he leaves the room if a noisy bodily function seems even remotely possible. I've tried to feed him beans and broccoli, but he secretly takes Beano, (I know, I've seen the empty bottles hidden under the discarded containers of imported cheese and fois gras ). Straight Eye, what, oh, what can I do to make this man I love to release his inner emanations?
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#14
07-18-2003, 03:14 AM
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Who says they can't get good help in space, huh? Well, you already got the home theater, right? Then it sounds like you are already providing for your home, so you are allowed to splurge on some non-necessary items. Just as long as you remember your responsibilities. Don't go buying clocks if, say, you don't yet have a portable, plasma-screen DVD player, a radio-controlled, scale-model Lamborghini Murcielago, a Harley-Davidson Nostalgic Flame & Eagle CD Jukebox and a decent pair of waterproof tower speakers for the shower. Once you take care of what you really need, you can buy some things you want. That said, remember it would be a real bad decorating move to put that cuckoo clock near your home theater system. It could prove to be a distraction during passages of high drama or deep reflection. Imagine Steven Seagal giving that real deep speech at the end of "On Deadly Ground," and all the sudden a little birdy appears over his head going "cuckoo, cuckoo." It would ruin the moment. Another matter is your taste in clocks. You say it's a postmodern art deco cuckoo clock (all ceramic, and handmade in Libya!) And you're asking me if you should get it? Well, as the Straight Guy, I have to say -- YOU GOT TO BE KIDDING. I mean, IT SOUNDS GREAT. I'd love to have one. The only downside is it was made over there in that country run by Gadhafi, but ever since we tried to put a bomb up his burnoose he hasn't been so much trouble. You're lucky I'm not jumping on e-Bay to outbid you, except I already want to get me one them Dale Earnhardt Racing Clocks because the legs stopped swinging on my Elvis Swinging-Leg Clock. I couldn't have a cuckoo clock in the same room as my Dale Earnhardt Racing Clock because that clock has a little car that charges around the outside every hour and like the web page says it makes "real race sounds, which sound like your at the race." Vroom/cuckoo, Vroom/cuckoo, Screeeeeeech/cuckoo. That's it for this episode of "Straight Eye for the Gay Guy." (theme song) If you're passin' Or just interested in fashion, Ask "Straight Eye for the Gay Guuuuuuuuy."
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#15
07-19-2003, 02:20 AM
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Let's see: He doesn't burp. He doesn't fart. Say, can this guy perform in bed? Actually, I think your husband might have a problem that he is hiding from you. The Beano bottles are just plants to mislead you. It sounds like your man is suffering from a problem we don't really talk about. A problem shrouded in shame and secrecy. A problem called -- Eructile Dysfunction. It's the inability to produce an eructation when the mood calls for it. No one knows what really causes Eructile Dysfunction. It can be brought on by stress, or by worry, lack of sleep, or watching Hugh Grant movies. The first step is to have an honest and open discussion with your husband. Tell him you love him no matter what, but your life would be fuller if he could achieve an eruction. Offer to help him. Pick a quiet time when you can be alone, then cuddle up, without any undue pressure, and just allow it to happen. Once he feels safe and secure, he'll be blowing the covers into the ceiling fan in no time. If that doesn't work, your husband might have a problem that goes deeper -- something that has inhibited and scarred him terribly -- like a Catholic upbringing. Fortunately, for men who cannot achieve an eruction, there are a number of prosthetic devices available. Some of these marital aids are battery powered. Using them together, a couple can achieve marital bliss. Oh, and if your husband just can't get the hang of it, just remember -- Ol' Straight Eye knows how to please a woman like you. That's it for this episode. If any of you have fashion and style tips, don't be afraid to ask "Straight Eye for the Gay Guy."
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#16
07-19-2003, 10:47 AM
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Either you're one funny dude, Andy, or else Kallessa's one damned good straight man.
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#17
07-19-2003, 01:06 PM
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Dear Straight Eye,
Since we married a year ago, my husband has actually filled up his half of the closet. What's that about? Where am I supposed to put my skinny pants? I would expect that the normal straight guy could put all the clothes he owns on a half dozen hangers, or preferably in a single drawer. Am I right, Straght Eye? Does he need to come out of the closet?
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#18
07-19-2003, 01:21 PM
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::wipes the tears outta her eyes and applaudes::
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#20
07-19-2003, 03:42 PM
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Fellow Straight Guy,
I'm having trouble with shoe placement. When I remove my (New Balance Running) shoes upon arriving home, I leave them right where they are, as is proper, near the door. The problem is, I keep tripping over them when I go outside (in "socks only" form) to retrieve the groceries from the car. How can I solve this?
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#21
07-19-2003, 04:08 PM
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#22
07-19-2003, 11:42 PM
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Your husband fills up half a closet? With clothes? What is he doing -- putting each sock on a hanger? You're going to have to explain to him what closets are made for. They're intended for storing exercise bikes. Now, I don't think your husband has to "come out of the closet." There are lots of straight guys who are real clothes horses -- like Ray Liotta in "Goodfellas." But your husband, he sounds like he has fallen for an urban legend. This particular legend says that certain clothes and colors "clash," or "don't go together." So, because they're afraid that they might wear something that allegedly "clashes," some guys buy more and more clothes, hoping to improve their changes of getting something that doesn't "clash." Well, let me tell you, this whole "clash" business is just something cooked up by the clothes industry to sell you more clothes. Ask any straight guy who is confident in his masculinity and he will tell you -- ain't nothing clashes. Everthang goes with everthang. For example, I read somewhere that navy doesn't go with beige. My first reaction was "bullshit!" My second reaction was to look up "beige" in the dictionary. It's some sorta brown, says here. Well, what doesn't brown go with? If you take brown out of our wardrobes, you take away our ability to hide coffee and gravy stains. Take away coffee and gravy, and what reason do you have for living? Some fashion "experts," pretending to be expert and all, will try to tell you that some clothes just don't go together. And to prove their point, they'll make up some absurd example, like saying that a tuxedo doesn't go with playing football. Well, let me tell you. Once I got me one them tuxedos real cheap from a Salvation Army, and I wore it in our Sunday football game. I looked real sharp in a tux, running shoes, and an old-fashion football helmet like Jack Nicholson had in "Easy Rider." Dude! The tux was really appropriate because that Sunday we played in the Peaceful Vista Cemetery, out back of the rendering plant. In our game, the rules said that whoever you threw the ball to had to catch it, and only a wuss would worry about all the headstones in the way. Let me tell you, running your groin smack into the outstretched arm of a stone cherub is one way to learn the value of wearing a cup. That's why I was on the ground when a bajillion cop cars screamed up and busted all my buddies for trespass. And it was just because some soreheads were having a funeral nearby. Me, I just ditched the helmet, picked up some flowers from the grave and stood up, looking horrified at the heathens who dared desecrate this sacred ground. The cops didn't think for a second that I was part of the football game. I mean, I was wearing a tux. I was still wearing it when I bailed out my buds. So yeah. Everthang goes with everthang.
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#23
07-20-2003, 12:02 AM
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I'm not sure I get this "taking off the shoes" business. Why are you doing it? Especially indoors? Doesn't make any sense to me. Say you're making your way through your dining room and you accidentally kick one of your barbells. See the problem? Whenever an object like that takes it upon itself to inflict pain on your innocent foot, you have to teach it a lesson and kick it good. Just try doing that without shoes. There is one place in my house I don't allow shoes. The hot tub. After I got to fiddle around getting the pH and the bromine just right, I don't want nobody tracking in stuff. Guests all have to put their shoes and their flip-flops beside the hot tub. Unless they're women with especially fine -- credentials. (Man, I let them get away with murder.) I don't want to get into the habit of taking my shoes off indoors. Say I'm over at my girlfriend's house. And say I get used to taking my shoes off all the time. Then one day her husband's going to come home early. I want to be in my shoes and out of there. Take off your shirt indoors if you want. Take off your pants and your shorts. But your shoes? Sounds like a real fashion mistake to me.
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#24
07-21-2003, 05:33 PM
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Stop looking at me.
Esprix
__________________
Lessons My Father Taught Me George N. "Bud" Lutton, Jr. May 11, 1927 - December 11, 2003 Thanks for everything, Dad.
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#25
07-21-2003, 11:36 PM
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Well, look, folks! Right in our studio tonight, it's Esprix! (Applause. House band plays the Esprix intro theme.) Esprix has flown out tonight all the way from San Diego, California -- and boy, I bet his arms are tired. (Polite chuckles and groans. Some audience members go woof-woof.) This is a special honor. As you all know, Esprix is the pioneer of the "Ask the ..." threads. He's a close personal friend and a wonderful, wonderful human being. So I have to ask, Esprix, what questions to you have tonight for The Straight Eye for the Gay Guy?"
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#27
07-22-2003, 12:51 PM
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Dear Straight Eye,
I am a gay man, and enjoy doing such manly things as working/restoring old cars, and walking around the house wearing my green plaid pajama pants and a black t-shirt (with those particular pants bought expressely because they don't go with anything. I'll even not shave for 3 days at a time. My problem, Straight Eye, is even though I enjoy working on cars, I was never taught the proper way to block one up in my front yard. I have a '74 Road Runner that I've been restoring for 3 years, but being as I have yet to actually finish the car, I figured I would just put it on blocks in my front yard so that neighbors can admire my work until finished. Any ideas on how I should go about using the car as a centerpiece for my new front yard landscaping, and how I should accessorize?
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#28
07-22-2003, 01:20 PM
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Straight Guy, may I take this one?
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As for accessorizing the Roadrunner, I assume it is already in two colors of primer and an assortment of Chrysler OEM colors of the correct year, such as Limelight and Plum Crazy. (Note: Cars are not clothes. A straight guy who couldn't tell the difference between ecru and taupe can identify correct factory paint colors and tell you in no uncertain terms that you didn't match them.) Now let Nature take the reins. Soon you will gave attractive prairie grasses growing through the rust holes and before you know it a small tree coming up through the hood scoop!
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#29
07-22-2003, 08:24 PM
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Dear Straight Eye:
I'm a San Franciscan lesbian. That means that (a) my male friends are gay and (b) my lesbian friends are lipstick. I so want a buddy to just hang out and talk baseball with. I mean man, Giants are leading by 8 games right now! Jerome Williams rocks the corners! Gay guys, alas, just stare at me uncomprehendingly when I talk like this. My lesbian buddies lecture me on how public funding of stadiums rob necessary social services. Where can I find a straight guy who'll love me for my sabremetric mind?
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#30
07-23-2003, 12:46 AM
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(rim shot) (Straight Eye does a double-take worthy of Ben Turpin.) (Laughing trombones go wah-wah-waaaaaah.) How 'bout that crazy Esprix, folks! Comes all the way from San Diego just to say "Stop lookin' at me!" I tell you, folks, let's give it up for the one, the only ... Esprix! (Audience chants Esprix! Esprix! Esprix! Esprix! House band plays the Esprix theme.) And now, our next guest -- the legendary George Thorogood and the Destroyers, singing the new theme from "Straight Eye for the Gay Guy." (Audience cheers) (Band plays) I'll change my style Even change my smile If the beatin' in my heart Is too slow for you Tell me, baby, tell me, I'll change that too. (fade)
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#31
07-23-2003, 01:15 AM
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First off, I'm glad there are some gay guys who are not totally clueless about fashion. Good work! It makes my job just that much easier. Dropzone hit the nail on the head about factory paint. Some guys' heads are filled up with information like their mother's birthday or the names of their kids, but where will that get you if you can't remember the paint job of your Dodge A-100? Now pardon me if I get sentimental, but you've reminded me of one of the rites of passage in every boy's life -- the time when he gets his first car up on blocks. There's that old-car smell, the feel of Bondo, the sleeks and racy cinderblocks under the wheels. Takes me back. Now, if you're looking to make your '74 Road Runner a true landscaping centerpiece, here's what you do. Resist the temptation to put it under a tree for shade. Tree sap is a bitch to get out. Instead, get you some two-by-fours and set up corrugated metal roof over it. The best kind is "pre-weathered" (i.e. "found along road"). Ideally, you should get you some them metal shears and cut up your old soda and beer cans, so you can patch the gaps in the roof. Now you got you some shade to work in. Next order of business is setting up your speakers. This is just as simple as running some real long cords from the house. After that, you want a cooler strong enough for your fattest buddy to set on -- cause he will. And if your dog is really old, you might want to install a ramp so he can get up in the back seat to sleep. Roll the windows down so he can get a good bite at anyone not authorized to be around your car. Next step is to install a fire pit for night work. Now that you got the essentials, you can start on the decorative touches. Show your True Colors with a patriotic windchime or two. It'll look right proper hanging off the corrugated roof. Next, you can't go wrong with a Jesus birdbath, is what I always say. And not to leave our friends of the Jewish faith out, there's plenty of good yard sculpture for y'all, too. And in the arid southwest, folks might go with a birdbath that has more local color. Or the lady of the house is sure to love a tasteful and artsy bunny bath. Now, to really complete this ensemble, pour a concrete path across the front yard so you can wheel your Craftsman toolchest out to the car -- and roll it back into the garage so it don't "walk off by itself." Just remember to always lock the toe locks when it's sitting by your car. Especially if your yard is on any kind of a slope. It's good advice. Once this ex-girlfriend of mine came storming up the walkway -- she came to get her fricken ABBA albums back (like I wanted to keep them!) Anyway, that big old toolchest just started rolling down the path at her. Don't know how that happened. When it run over her and fell over, it was terrible! I had to spend hours and hours putting all the wrenches back right.
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#32
07-23-2003, 02:05 AM
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You have hit on one of the greatest injustices in our society. I know from hours of research at the cineplex that every straight, single woman in America has a gay male friend she can shop with, trade recipes with, and learn important lessons about heartbreak and survival. So it's only fair you ought to have a straight male friend to go fishing with, watch ballgames without ever saying a complete sentence, and discuss which foods produce the loudest farts. And it would be that way if there were any justice in the world. But the problem is biological. You say you want a straight man who will appreciate a woman just for her mind. About the only way this is going to happen is if you turn 65 years old, and you memorize the JC Whitney catalog. I mean, take Condoleezza Rice. Brilliant woman. She could be discussing the Gini Index on the distribution of family income in Belarus -- and the straight guys in the room are wondering if she gives head. Of course, they don't do this with every woman. There was this lesbian, Shelly, who would hang around with us and we treated her like one of the guys. She always wore corduroys, and black T-shirts. Had lots of tattos. No one ever tried anything funny with her, because we were enlightened and aware type of guys. Plus she wore these boots that could do some seeeee-rious damage anywhere she decided to plant them. On the other hand, you could take the stodgiest Professor of Medieval Literature and say just two words to him -- lipstick lesbian -- and he turns into Howard Stern. Don't ask me why. So what's my advice? Well, if you're just looking for sabremetric talks, you could hang out with math geeks. They're harmless. Other than that, the only hope might be to find guy sports fans who go to games in complicated costumes, so you could hide your identity. The Washington Redskins have these fans, The Hogettes, who dress up like women and go to games. Convenient, right? Just say you're a Hogette, and join the gang. The plus side is, you're already a woman. The downside is, you'd being hanging with guys who think that skirts plus a beer belly plus a plastic pig nose is the Parnassus of humor. You might want to rethink this business about hanging out with guys.
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#33
07-25-2003, 12:11 PM
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Dear Andy,
After weighing the pros and cons of lung versus lip cancer, I have decided to quit smoking and get my nic-fix chewing tobacco. There is so much to learn! Should I go with a long cut? Perhaps a dip a la Coppenhagen? Perhaps a pouch such as the cute little Skoal Bandits? Since I do not swallow, I assume I will require a spit cup. Should I dedicate one cup to this task, or go with opaque disposables? Is chewing tobacco still as taboo as it once was? Is this a habit I should be keeping to myself? Should I throw open the doors and tell the world I chew chaw and spit like a redneck taking in a hot afternoon on the sofa on his front porch? Yours, Newcrasher
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#38
07-25-2003, 05:46 PM
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Oops, dropzone got the drop on me. I been unmasked and rendered insignificant.
 But serially, folks, this is my back yard. Plain, unadorned, uninviting. What does Mr. Satisfying suggest I should do to properly decorate it?
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#39
07-25-2003, 07:16 PM
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If not, you wouldn't happen to be single, would you? 
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#40
07-26-2003, 01:04 AM
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Well, yes, actually.
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#41
07-26-2003, 01:08 AM
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You know y'all got one.
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#42
07-26-2003, 01:20 AM
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I mean, in Arlington you must be a two-hour drive from the nearest bait shop but no more than walking distance from a meal of hummus, kimchi and falafel. (Not that there's anything wrong with that. Besides, a two-hour drive in Arlington only gets you five blocks anyways.) Arlington? I mean, even get a couple hours outside the Beltway and you might be in Virginia horse country. That's an area that still bears the terrible scars of memories of a Northern invader. Yes, I'm talking about (shudder) Kennedys. Historians say they once hung out in the area to horse around -- in more ways than one. Now, if you really want to see the real state, you should make a pilgrimage to Bumpass, Virginia. Not that I've ever been to Bumpass, Virginia. I just love the fact that there is a Bumpass, Virginia.
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#43
07-26-2003, 02:06 AM
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But I'm not seeing any yard. Where do you put the pig cooker? You need to get you some fill dirt. (Looks up Sturgeon Bay.) Okay, you're going to need a lot of fill dirt. So let's just make do with this sandy patch along the beach there. I've designed a master plan for duding out your yard in straight guy style. The picture looks kind of dark, so first order of business is to string up some lights. Then I figure the entrance to it ought to look something like this. Now since you're in Wisconsin, I figure you've already got the appropriate headgear. If you're a traditionalist, you could always go with some plain old pink flamingos. But I found these, which apparently are mutant flamingos that can blow a plume like a blue whale. Or maybe they've developed the ability to skunk-spray their enemies. Either way, they're kind of scary, actually. But because you're in Wisconsin, that opens the possibility of the scariest yard ornament of them all. Man, I thought some of them Tiki statues was weird, but this one would give me nightmares. If I had me one them, I'd customize it with a scale model of Tokyo around the feet. And plastic tanks being crushed and melted. A'course, you'll want a for-real, authentic tiki mama statue. You might have trouble telling it from the cow, though.
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#44
07-26-2003, 02:39 AM
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Of course, he did pick up some chicks on the night his spit cup was out, but you'd pretty much want the Orkin man to check those ones out first. Me, I've always had mixed feelings about chew since I was a kid riding with my grandpa, who put an old coffee can on the bench seat of his Ford pickup. His spit can. He didn't empty it often enough to suit polite society, either. I dreaded the idea that he'd take a corner too sharp and I'd be hit with a sputum tsunami. I prayed to the dashboard Jesus that if we were in a wreck, to just let me die. I didn't care to emerge covered in the contents of PeePaw's spit can. After all these years, I found out where he emptied all those cans. It's now a Superfund site.
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#46
07-26-2003, 05:53 PM
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I want to thank you for your, ahh, proposed landscaping layout. Capital. I'll make sure the local neighborhood association approves, check with the DNR (Wisconsin Dept of Resources) and the Feds, since Lake Michigan is their territory, get all the required permits, and take out a small, nuclear loan. Should be no problem. Then we'll shoo off the gulls, drain the lake, and get right to work on construction. With any luck, we'll be interrupted by an oil discovery. You forgot the large sign giving you credit. I'll make sure it is carved out of cheese and posted on the biggest cow-pile.
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#47
07-26-2003, 07:21 PM
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Andy, I almost forgot. I will have to move my 8-foot cow statue, "Cookie," around from my back yard to the front. That should match the Tiki Gods you have planned.
__________________
What does Lake Michigan look like today?
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#48
07-29-2003, 10:07 AM
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Dear Straight Eye Guy -
Ever since we got married, my wife and I have been having a discussion, and sometimes it gets serious. She is not sure where the relationship is going. Yes, she loves me, and we have a lot in common. We both love our kids, and we have pretty good jobs, but sometimes she wonders if there isn't more to our lives than we now can see. "Are we really right for each other?", she asks me sometimes. "Do we really bring out what is best in each other, and lead each other to grow? Or are we throwing away real, present happiness in favor of some imaginary Hollywood ideal?" My question is, who do you like for the World Series this year? Regards, Shodan
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#49
07-29-2003, 11:19 AM
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Dear Straight Guy,
I live in a small town without a proper dance club. The biggest club here in town is a warehouse size Country bar. Inside this bar is a smaller room where they play dance music. But you have to pass through the larger country dance side to get to it. If I wear my Catcher t-shirt to the dance club, will the Jethros in the country side know what it means? How should I disguise my somewhat flamboyant self so as not to get my ass kicked on the way through the mass of cowboy boots and big-haired women? Sincerely, Homebrew
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#50
07-29-2003, 01:08 PM
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Dear Straight Guy,
I've got a little problem with ethics. Should my coon dog Jake be in the front seat with me when I'm driving my F150 to the race track, or should he be in the bed? I could slide open my back window and let him crawl in and out as it suits him, but I've usually got my 30 aught 6 and my 12 guage on the gun rack, and the only time I ever took them down was to put up my Dale Earnhardt number 3 car lights for Christmas.
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