Am I farting holes in my underwear?

[RickJay]

I like wearing boxer briefs, because they don't look as ridiculous as briefs but offer the, ah, support you need when you're well-.... well, I just like them.

Anyway, I wear "Prodige" boxer briefs a lot. Lately I have noticed that they all seem to wear out by first developing holes right at Anus Ground Zero, if you catch my drift. And it's happening faster than you would hope your underwear would wear out. This seems like a really strange place for wear. They're not splitting at a seam or tearing away from the waistband (which, IIRC, is the way my underwear always used to wear out.) I wear the proper size and my ass is not unusually large for that size. So it is possible that the, uh, moisture and stuff created by, uh, flatulence and whatnot is causing the fibers in the ass of my boxer briefs to wear out faster? My other clothes aren't dying en masse so it's not the detergent I use.

I have tried switching to other brands, like Fruit of the Loom, but I haven't been wearing them long enough to conduct a reliable survey of relative wear levels.

For what it's worth, I have not been eating more beans than usual lately. So why does it appear that I am blowing holes in my shorts?

[aenea]

You sir have hit on an important,if little known fact. Underwear companies I believe are making the fabric a little thin at that point in the undie pattern. They must be. It's either that, or each and every male I have ever known has the same problem.

Come to think of it, that might be it. . . . .

It very well could be the gawd-awfull farts that men seem so proud of. Or it could just be all of the itching and digging for gold that men seem to favor. Does all that hair on your butts make it itch a lot or something? Or is someone just not wiping clean? . . . Hmmmmmmmm

[scout1222]

Great thread title, by the way. I burst out laughing just reading it, and knew I had to check it out.

It very well could be the gawd-awfull farts that men seem so proud of.

aenea, I'm not sure this is the answer. IANAG (I am not a guy), but I certainly have been known to emit scents that could be described as "gawd-awful" (the phrase "she can peel paint" has been used, I believe). And I don't find that my underthings have holes in the butts. Although since I've been partial to the thong-style lately, that may skew my results.

Carry on...

[Quasimodem]

"Don't believe I'da told that" - Lewis Grizzard

But thanks for making my morning! Took me a while to clear the coke off the screen.

And now that you've enlightened us, I will join you and admit I have the same problem with my Jockeys. Wonder if it might have something to do with acidic content of the fumes?
This may be one for Bro Cecil.

Quasi

[Fear Itself]

You think that's bad? My brother had a bathrobe with the exact same blowout in the back. And that's after penetrating any pj's or underwear he was wearing at the time. Seriosly corrosive flatus, I'd say.

[Kaotic Newtral]

RickJay,

I think the phenomenon might be caused by the friction of the ass-cheeks at ground-zero.

It's either that or some kind of mutiny. If I had karma bad enough to be re-incarnated as the cotton plant that became the part of fabric that covers the ground-zero part of the ass in a later life. I'd do my best to get as far away from the detonation zone also. It may not be wearing thin, there's probably just not many survivors left.

[Padeye]

"Anus ground zero?" I don't think we caught your drift. could you just be a little bit more specific? Sheez.

[Enola Straight]

DUDE! I got the same problem!

The way I figure it is, the combination of the heat, moisture, and methane of the fart; the bleach in your wash wearing out the fabric; and the relative weakness of the fabric itself is unable to stand up to repeated sitting, squirming, and standing (Not to mention scratching).
Thus, Anus Ground Zero wears thin.

[IBBen]

I have noticed that what I eat affects the severity of my... um ...emissions?

If I consume lotsa beer or eat a spicy Mexican dinner, I am inevitably scratching my ass like a lottery addict.

I am inclined to guess:

A. Stomach acids are prevalent in certain "paint peeling" flatulation

B. Confusious say: He who sleeps with itchy butt not only wakes up with stinky finger, he also needs new BVD's. The simple act of rooting around at ground zero causes undies to deteriorate.

(I'm not proud)

[mojo filter]

scout1222 said ;

aenea, I'm not sure this is the answer. IANAG (I am not a guy), but I certainly have been known to emit scents that could be described as "gawd-awful" (the phrase "she can peel paint" has been used, I believe). And I don't find that my underthings have holes in the butts. Although since I've been partial to the thong-style lately, that may skew my results

You know when you take a blade of grass, hold it tight in front of your mouth and blow across it? You know it makes that whistling noise? Yeah, that's it! Now I'm freakin' picturing a gal farting across the string of some thong drawers.

BTW- My wife said that women don't fart, they poot.

[msc75]

This is the best question I've seen asked... ever.
What's worse is skid marks generated by farting only.
What's up with that?

I think it is a conspiracy by the cotton companies, though.

[BobT]

I would agree with another poster and blame friction more than flatulence.

[msc75]

I have to disagree with the whole friction idea.
Think about it. Unless you have an enormously fat ass, what part of your underwear makes the least amount of contact with your rear? The crack area. (God, this is retarted).
Speaking from the perspective of a skinny guy, that should be the LAST place to wear out from friction.

[IBBen]

And what I was theorizing was that the ass is not as implemenatal in the deterioration of underwear as the finger.

"If you scratch it, holes will come"?

[BobT]

The friction from your cheeks creates a strain on the seam which is right in the line of fire perhaps?

[johnson]

Well, it certainly could be friction. The parts clinging to the cheeks generally stay in place, relative both to the ass and the pants. But the crotchal area is where all the action is--when walking, and even more so perhaps, when sitting and standing.

Well, maybe.

[ubermensch]

i wear boxer briefs alot too, but my wear is usually in the crotchal area (i'm up on my feet and walking all day). i've never had wear in the anal area...however, my theory is that it IS friction, but my theory only stands up if you have....

...a whole bunch of butt hair.

do you get alot of lint in your butthole area? aame with belly button lint. (not that the fronts of shirts are wearing out alot...)

[aenea]

Originally posted by mojo filter
You know when you take a blade of grass, hold it tight in front of your mouth and blow across it? You know it makes that whistling noise? Yeah, that's it! Now I'm freakin' picturing a gal farting across the string of some thong drawers.

scout1222, I'm with you on the thongs. Best undies ever invented IMHO. However, even when I wore regular full-butt undies, there were never the holes and 'skid marks' that have been mentioned in this thread. I think women have different undie problems.

Mojo, nope, no whistling noises (yet) .

[CalMeacham]

I can't believe I'm contributing to this thread.


I've never seen the kind of deterioration you are talking about, but I'd venture to suggest that it's not due to either friction OR to the velocity of your gusts. I find in my own case that that area of the underwear tends to get moister than the rest -- it's sweat, and possibly other bodily fluids I'd rather not consider. If you get "skid marks" that would contribute, too. The whole area is buried in skin and clothing, and is usually bounded by a chair as well, so it doesn't get much ventilation and it stays wet. I suggest that the dampness is the leading factor -- either causing the fibers to deteriorate or in letting nasty things grow that feed on the fibers. Another good reason to change and wash those undies often.



By the Way, Mrs. Cal hates thongs, and can't see the point. To her they look like permanent self-imposed wedgies.I think they look sexy, myself, but I admit that they look uncomfortable for long-period wear, as you all seem to be saying.

[JoltSucker]

Perhaps the missing ingredient is a base, like bleach.

I get little holes in the front, right around where the tip of my penis sits. And by the way, you haven't felt rip-these-damned-clothes-off-of-me-right-now pain until you've felt the tip of your penis trying to poke through one of these holes.

My theory is that it results from dribble after I masturbate/have sex. I read somewhere that sperm is somewhat alkaline. Perhaps it's the high alkalinity that rots the cotton. Perhaps it's the chemical reaction between a high alkalinity and acidic sweat.

In the case of butthole rot, perhaps it's residual bleach + sweat + methane that rots the cotton.

Any chemists present?

[aenea]

What you are telling us then, is that your spunk if funky?

Hmmmmmmmmmm.........

You might try to drink some pineapple juice, or other acidic-type foods to help with that little problem.

Perhaps it's the high alkalinity that rots the cotton. Perhaps it's the chemical reaction between a high alkalinity and acidic sweat.

BTW, acidity and alkalinity (sp?) kind of cancel each other out when properly balanced. (see pH balancing) so how would this work?

[Sue Duhnym]

Anus Ground Zero would be a GREAT name for a band!

[choosybeggar]

These guys can chew through all the leftover gunk that gets dumped into the colon, why not cotton as well? They can probably ride the winds (so to speak) and deposit locally onto your undies. There, they will try to make do, aided by the moist enviornment alluded to by CalMeacham. But what's a poor coliform to eat? Holes in your shorts, that's what.

If this is the case, regular washing in warm, dilute bleach should alleviate the problem.

[scout1222]

Good Lord, mojo, that's the funniest thing I've heard all day...


...blade of grass... [slaps knee, snorts] ...he kills me...



Oh, and as for what you call it? Poot, toot, fart, float an air biscuit, whatever. A rose by any other name would smell as rotten.

[msc75]

I have to post this:

http://thesmokinggun.com/patent/ergonomic1.shtml

[RickJay]

Originally posted by Sue Duhnym
Anus Ground Zero would be a GREAT name for a band!

I was going to say it, but I figured I couldn't be that opportunistic in my own thread.

Sounds like a punk sort of band, doesn't it?

[Sue Duhnym]

Definitely punk.

[Quasimodem]

[quote]Originally posted by RickJay
[b]

Originally posted by Sue Duhnym
Anus Ground Zero would be a GREAT name for a band!

I kinda like Anal Ground Zero myself.

Quasi

[TheLoadedDog]

Anus Ground Zero's first album would be "The Flies are Humping My Radio", no?

[Lance Turbo]

Always remove your underwear before engaging in anal intercourse.

Seriously though, I have never had a hole in the back of my underwear. However, I do get holes in the crotch. According to my girlfriend, I scratch my balls more than anyone she ever met. Based on that rock solid scientific evidence, I'm going with the scratching theory.

Pardon me if I don't shake your hand when we meet RickJay. Come to think of it, I can't imagine that anyone would want to shake my hand now.

[JillGat]

You sure yer not just wearin' em backwards?

[Tansu]

It does. It really does. The gusset of black undies will go beige where menstrual blood has leaked onto it from a slipped pad or a too-small tampon. Am I the world's only amazing oxidising lady?

My theory of the holes in the arse end of your knickers is that there is strain being placed on the back seam of the undies. This may be from squirming, or it may be the combination of large butt cheeks and big balls.

My man gets holes in the underside of his underpants. He's got fairly big buttocks (for a man).

[RickJay]

Originally posted by Lance Turbo

Seriously though, I have never had a hole in the back of my underwear. However, I do get holes in the crotch. According to my girlfriend, I scratch my balls more than anyone she ever met. Based on that rock solid scientific evidence, I'm going with the scratching theory.

I don't scratch my ass much, and I don't scratch where I'm getting the holes at all. I DO scratch my nuts quite a bit, though, because it feels so darned good.

I closely inspected my BVD and Fruit of the Loom shorts and could find no wearage at AGZ like I'm getting on my Prodige shorts, so maybe it's the brand of shorts.

[slortar]

I've never had that problem. But then again, as you all know, slortars are closed biological systems, solely fueled by afternoon naps and video games.

[aenea]

Just how closely did you inspect those underwear?

[DrMatrix]

Originally posted by RickJay
I wear the proper size and my ass is not unusually large for that size.

Ummm. . . Not unusually large for that size.

I'm kind of tall for my height.

[Chinaco]

This is kindof gross, but I've had a problem with ANTS eating the crotch out of my panties (the dirty ones). I don't have a flatulence issue, though, but I suspect they'd be attracted to most, um, bodily excretions (I've seen them swarming over dirty sweatsocks). Maybe it's a combination of the type of fiber and the substance (from you) that is on the fabric - they don't seem to go after every pair I've got, only the Victoria's Secret cotton panties.

Maybe you've got ants in your pants.

heh

[Chinaco]

This is kindof gross, but I've had a problem with ANTS eating the crotch out of my panties (the dirty ones). I don't have a flatulence issue, though, but I suspect they'd be attracted to most, um, bodily excretions (I've seen them swarming over dirty sweatsocks). Maybe it's a combination of the type of fiber and the substance (from you) that is on the fabric - they don't seem to go after every pair I've got, only the Victoria's Secret cotton panties.

Maybe you've got ants in your pants.

heh

[BoBettie]

I not only don't fart holes in my undies, I have no recollection of sending this to "threadspotting". Hmmmm..I may have submitted the aha thread about shitting your pants, though.

Zette

[Acco40]

"Note to self - 'wash hands before eating'."

Jeez, no wonder gas pump handles are so friggin germ-infested... everyone out there is scratching a hole through the downtown-area of assville. I wondered where all those germs came from, and why money smells like shit.

Now I know.

[SPOOFE]

Sue Duhnym beat me to it... "Anus Ground Zero" would be an excellent band name. Perhaps I should have my video-producer friend make a mock documentary of the band (he already did one about a band called "Johnny Vomit and the Heaves", a parody of Buddy Holly).

Anyway... the ass of my underpants doesn't wear out, but the crotch sure does. That's probably half because I have fat thighs (friction) and because more moisture gathers there (fat thighs make lotsa sweat).

I think it's the moisture... and it probably isn't caused by your farts. You ever notice if your butt in general gets sweaty if you stay seated for a long period of time? That moisture would probably gather right in the center of your butt... the aforementioned and greatly-vaunted Anus Ground Zero.

[Bosda Di'Chi of Tricor]

In a normal sitting posture, the left butt cheek pulls the fabric of the BVDs outward & to the left. The right butt cheek pulls the fabric outward & to the right. The weakest point is the area of maximum stretching--the area over the crack & anus. Just a little scratching of this area could easily tear the stretched material.

[waxteeth]

It’s funny; oh man it’s so funny. The title, the replies, the theories.
Anus ground zero?

[GrandfatherTrout]

Oh, man, I realize I'm replying to a hijack here, and I apologize, but...those briefs that msc75 mentioned above? At http://thesmokinggun.com/patent/ergonomic1.shtml ?

They're actually really comfy. For those with 'sit and crush' issues, they perform as advertised. So rethink that snort of derision, gentlemen. The company is called e2u.

[F-Dutchman]

Of course you get holes in your briefs around ground zero. We men scratch our asses. The fact that we do this without noticing accounts for the fact that the holes seem to appear from no-where.

I think that if we were to be in female company ALL the time, we wouldn't indulge in such behaviour, allthough this isn't to be concidered conclusive because we usually sease farting as well in their company.

[Clothahump]

I don't appear to have this problem. I examined the last three pairs that I wore (they were still stuck to the wall where I had thrown them) and I didn't see any strange holes where none had existed before.

[scout1222]

Zette,

When I saw the threadspotting teaser, I totally thought it was going to be the shitting your pants thread. My first thought was "oh, God, now EVERYONE's going to read my poopy pants story."





But no. They get to read my farting and thong-wearing post instead.



Jesus, I've got to quit being so honest.

[DVD]

Originally posted by mojo filter

You know when you take a blade of grass, hold it tight in front of your mouth and blow across it? You know it makes that whistling noise? Yeah, that's it! Now I'm freakin' picturing a gal farting across the string of some thong drawers.
[/b]

As a teenager, I had no idea that a musical instrument might have a G string, so on hearing of Bach's "Air on the G string" I thought of the item of feminine attire made famous by Gypsy Rose Lee, and whiled away many hours wondering precisely what Johann Sebastian had in mind.

Now I know.

[ACappellaCat]

Tansu, I have the same issue with menstrual blood bleaching my underpants...I also experience it if I've had a day of heavy non-menstrual discharge. Pretty gross. Leave the house in vibrant color, come home in odd tie-dye...

However, the only wearage issue I ever have is separating from the waistband. I suspect that it's a scratching/moisture combination.

[Sharrongreen]

See, the funny thing is, you probably think I'm kidding. But seriously, he's sitting in the same room as I write this and I don't think he knows I know about this.

Needless to say, I was disturbed to find that he's shared the rapid deterioration of his buttocal coverage accessory with the entire world before me. I hadn't observed the problem, but then he does his own laundry. I will be morbidly curious now to observe his underwear degradation. If I find out anything interesting that he hasn't shared (and it seems to me he's shared MORE than enough already) I'll let you know.

I do have to point out that I was even more disturbed to read the varied and highly convoluted dissection of underwear which followed (ANTS? OXIDIZING MONTHLYS? WTF?!)