Is anyone ever prepared for a first child?
Few people ever seem to think they are, and I don’t know that anybody feels they were, once they’ve been through it. IME, it’s learn-on-the-job for everybody.
At best, I guess.
My father is just like your mother. You can never ever let a person like that be near your child, especially unsupervised. You know this.
The truth is, we do not always get the parents we deserve. And when your parent is a malignant narcissist, you can never, ever expect them to change. They don’t, can’t, and won’t.
That being said, I have known a number of dual graduate student couples who had children, and did not have another family member to help raise the child while they went to school. It was hard, but they made it work.
One of the major hurdles is whether either of you can get dependents on your health insurance. If you can’t, check and see if your child would qualify for an SCHIP program, or the like.
I’m so sorry you had to grow up in that kind of environment. Every time I read a story like yours, I just want to scream. I can’t believe people can be that horrible to their kids and then later lie out their asses about it.
Hugs a million times over to you and your hubby, Olives.
I am surprised that you’ve given up on adoption so readily when you have been talking about it being a lifelong goal on here for years.
As I’m sure you know, foster care adoption (which you have mentioned being interested in) doesn’t have to be expensive and I would not expect that an adoption arrangement with someone you already know would be prohibitively long and expensive either.
With the number of kids out there who need homes, I guess I don’t really see the point in having a biological kid when it seems like your “I guess I could get into it” doesn’t really suggest that much of a burning desire to birth a kid. I’m kind of getting the sense that maybe your husband was never all that into the adoption idea to begin with but was sort of just smiling and nodding until it actually became a real possibility instead of merely theoretical. Personally, I would try to see if he can get used to the idea. Knowing what you’ve written on here before about how strongly you believe in adoption, I could see the situation with your friend’s child being a win-win situation.
(As for the issue of racism…Some of your relatives may have stupid reasons for looking down on a biological kid who doesn’t fit their ideals or expectations too)
I…have no idea what you’re talking about.
I remember from a recent thread that you wanted to adopt so that you could raise an possible older child with difficult needs. If you’re going to go for a newborn infant, why not just bear your own?
I may be the only one to suggest this, but adding a baby to such a stressful life is not a good idea. Sure it’s possible to manage it, but it sounds like you want to be the kind of mother who does more than just manage to keep it together. And while it’s absolutely true that you’d probably all get through it ok, why would you purposely decide to step into such a difficult situation? I think your current plan is much better, and it sounds like you’re going to be a really good mom when the time comes.
And to all those who say you’re never really prepared for a baby I say hooey. Plenty of people plan and arrange and get ready for the children they bring into their homes when the time is right. Plenty of people also totally rise to the challenge of the surprise of parenting, but a lack of preparation should not be the expected norm.
Can any of the parents here remember reading anything during the first 3 months or so? Much less a hundred pages per night for the coursework and then writing a thesis?
Cheers to you for rising above such horrible circumstances and growing into an emotionally healthy person. Although what you went through just now was hard, it seems to me like it was probably necessary. Sometimes you have to step out there just to make sure things haven’t changed. Now you know the problem really is with her, not you, and you can continue to live your life to it’s best without spending too much more energy on her. Live content with knowing that you gave it your best shot.
It’s an odd feeling, isn’t it, when you get a gut feeling that tells you exactly what you need to be doing with your life? I’m not religious, but I’ve had that feeling a couple of times and it is like god talking directly to you. It fills you with such incredible purpose, and amazingly stuff just seems to fall into place.
Don’t ignore that feeling. Life is not consistent with the opportunities it affords you. Sometimes it gives you exactly what you need, and sometimes it’s stingy. When the feelings and the realities line up so perfectly like that I think you have to grab it. You have your dreams standing in front of you right now, just waiting for you to take them. I don’t think you should talk yourself out of them.
It could be a tough year- but what is one tough year in the scheme of things? Indeed, the timing may be a blessing in disguise. Your school no doubt offers counseling services that your husband may not have access to after graduation. If he is prone to depression, maybe it’s good that’d he’d have access to that during this period. Grad school is a lot of work, but it may be that your schedule is more flexible than it would be when you enter the working world. A grad student’s life may actually be more suitable for a newborn than a newly-employed person’s life. Plus, your school may have programs to help new mothers, while your future job probably will not offer much support.
Anyway, I say seriously consider dealing with the tough year. You don’t know what the future could bring. You may not have this opportunity again. There are people who would do anything for a child- adopted or otherwise. Here you have that right in front of you, and you are seriously going to walk away from it because the timing is slightly off?
Anyway, just my opinion. I know that inner voice well and I’ve never regretted listening to it.
I know I’m projecting, but it sounds to me like you’re not so much angry at your mom for still being an abusive self-deceiving bitch, as you’re angry at you for doing your best to believe she’ll someday turn into a mother whose company you can actually enjoy. Would you rather give up on her? Ah, I thought not 
Have some hugs? {{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{}}}}}}}}}}}}}} And some for your friend too!
Olives,
I highly suspect my mother had a childhood a bit like yours… not as bad but similar.
I made a big post but am not going to post it… just hang in there and remember that sometimes cutting people out of your lives might be better for your children too…
I have no right to comment on your adoption dilemma, but I think sitting down and planning and getting acclimatized to the idea is a good thing before you start with children.
First of all, you had a horrible childhood and congrats for clawing your way into the minority that breaks the cycle and has a good life. I would like to second (third?) what Shodan said. Just because you are getting better doesn’t mean that your mother is. Just because you’ve learned to deal with the past doesn’t mean she won’t give you more to deal with in the present and the future.
When I got pregnant I moved half way across the country to ensure my mother would have no input or influence over my child. I wasn’t quite ready to cut her out of my life at that point. 4 years later I moved back to Ontario, and when the kids were 7 and 8 they had their last visit with Grandma. She was never ever unsupervised around my kids but they were old enough to start recognizing and commenting on the destructive patterns she engages in and with even that much exposure were unhappy with the way she treated me.
It’s very very hard to cut a parent out of your life. I absolutely couldn’t have done it until after my grandmother died. I tried when I was 16 but family pressure was too much for me to deal with so I compensated by joining the airforce and getting the heck out of dodge. She was a lot more tolerable from hundreds (or later thousands) of miles away.
So basically I’m saying - with your mom - think of what you need and what your family needs (you and Mr.Olive) and ignore the people that judge you without knowing the truth.
As for the adoption I’ll only say this - babies are hard but somehow you find a way to do it all and when you look back you wonder how you did. If you’re comfortable with waiting and your only reason for reconsidering is to help out your friend - wait. It’s one thing to help a friend but this is big and you don’t want to bury yourself if it’s not something you desperately want. If, on the other hand, you keep imagining yourself with this child and you are only hesitating because you think you can’t do it, go for it and find a way.
No, you’re not the only one.
It seems possible to me that your mother’s behavior towards you was triggered in part by the stress of your mother’s situation. You have a supportive husband, unlike her, but if he is teetering on the edge of clinical depression, he may not have a lot of energy to care for a child. A depressed husband, a full academic load, and a newborn? Sounds like a recipe for incredible stress - for everyone, especially the baby.
Yes, I know children sometimes arrive before you are completely prepared, but that is not the same thing as setting your family up for turmoil.
I have two kids. both adopted, and my wife took off from work to be a SAHM, and even so it was no bed of roses.
FWIW.
Regards,
Shodan
Olives,
You. Are. Awesome.
Honestly, the shit you’ve been through, and the person you are today? That is a huge achievement.
I think the decision you’ve made about not going through with the offered adoption is the right one. Yes, no-one is ever 100% prepared for a child, but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t be prepared at all.
But you’re not the only one who’s thinking similar things, whether they get posted or not…
I think you’re wise to wait until you’re done with school to have kids. My ex and I had a surprise baby while he was in grad school, and it was tough. He was completely stressed out and had to devote all his energy and attention to school. The financial strain was stressful too.
I have to commend you on how you’ve moved on with your life. My mother is a more subtle version of yours, and I strive to be nothing like her, especially with my kids. She’ll never change and will never be able to acknowledge reality. As others have said, never let your guard down, and protect your future kids.
Thanks so much. I mean it, all of you. I really appreciate the support.
So am I. It has been a lifelong goal since I was 9 years old. It is still a lifelong goal.
I know. It’s not my preference. As I said to my husband, ‘‘It doesn’t seem right to produce another child when there are so many kids out there who need homes. That’s one less child that will get taken care of now.’’
He said, ‘‘I know. But that’s an awful lot of responsibility for us to place upon ourselves.’’
This is not what I planned on. But I know there are parents out there who long to give birth to a child but due to life circumstances end up adopting. Not their preference, but once they have a child, does it really matter to them? No. A child is a child.
Well, this isn’t really the case. My husband has been in agreement with this goal since we first talked about it seven years ago. It was his idea to buy books on the subject, and we talked about it at length. It doesn’t make a difference to him either way because his little sister was adopted and it was one of the most positive experiences of his young life to become a big brother. His family in general is very adoption-friendly.
You have to understand that adopting a child in three months is not AT ALL what we have been planning over the last several years. The last conversation we had about it we agreed to start the adoption process within the next 1-2 years.
Now I come at him out of the blue with this child ready to be adopted in three months, at a time where he is feeling major stress, and I prepare to say to him, ‘‘I cannot wait any more. LET’S DO IT!’’ Before I can speak, the first words out of his mouth are, ‘‘I’ve been meaning to tell you this for a while, but… I’ve been having second thoughts.’’
So we started the conversation at total opposite ends of the ‘‘ready for kids’’ spectrum, and somehow, in one hour, we work out a solution. We mark out the soonest possible time in which he feels ready for a child, and suddenly we’ve agreed to start trying for a baby in September.
That is a MAJOR shift in our original plan, both time-wise and method-wise. So we both made concessions in an attempt to achieve the most satisfying result. I’m not crazy about the birth idea, but I’m thrilled about the new timeline. It’s not reasonable for me to expect my husband to make this decision on such short notice. This dude takes months to commit to a car for goodness’ sake. He is the meticulous planner, the cautionary one, the person who brings order and prudence to my chaos and impulsivity, and I do honor his feelings about this, 100%.
The difference to him between having a baby in March and having a baby in May is enormous – I can see it on his face. And if I really dig deep down under these layers of emotion and use my thinking cap, I know he is right. We need our Master’s degrees. My program is very difficult–logistically and emotionally, because it’s not just academic work, it’s direct practice and dealing with some hard social issues. It easily takes up 70-80 hours a week. It’s hard enough to deal with without a child. I realize it’s possible–but I’d much rather do more than scrape by. I’d like to actually enjoy the child I have.
I fully believe I could talk him out of this. I was trained last year as part of my social work curriculum to deal openly and explicitly with issues of race and racism. I feel like, given my education and his open-mindedness, we’d be better equipped to deal with it than a lot of couples.
I will get in touch with my friend and see if there’s any possible way to delay until May. If not, I’m going to have to let it go.
Exactly this. In my family most of the pregnancies were unexpected… children at 16, 17, 19 years old. I’ve seen the kinds of sacrifices people have to make and the stress they live under as a result of their lack of preparation. I don’t want it to be that way. Of course it’s possible, but I want to be able to look into my kid’s eyes and say, ‘‘We made a *choice *to have you. We prepared for you. We were both 100% sure this is what we wanted.’’ I think it’s really easy to underestimate the value that can have for a child.
Just wanted you to know I read through, Olives, and that I wish you the best. Your willingness to so deeply examine yourself and make changes if needed is inspirational.
Mom might well be changing. But mom is changing into who mom wants to be, not into who you wish or even know she could be. No one can chose for another person what to do with their lives. Among the many deficits your mom gave you was an unfulfillable desire that she become aware, and repentant for the horror she perpetrated. Getting past that is a mental health issue for you. Mom is unlikely to be a part of it.
Also, finish your school. But get with Sir Olives, and put down a hard plan. With goals, and projected dates, and required resources that you must have to be parents. I feel confident that there will be no baby shortage developing in the few short years before you are ready. Be sure to remember that you cannot have everything ready, mostly it’s you and your husband that need to be ready. Write the plan, make the dates as firm as you can. Commit to it, together.
And never forget that you, and your husband have an established need to be there, and be aware of each others history and problems. You can be the first generation in a while to do this right, but you have to be aware of the potentials for historic habits. I will pray for you. All three of you.
Tris
Thanks, Tris. I really needed to hear that.
Holy shit. 