Dear Fifties Dad,
We just got back from a holiday in Europe. It was really neat seeing all the old buildings and stuff, though Dad didn’t want to go to any of the battlefields. There were lots of really small cars, and even grownups riding bicycles. My aunt in London said the rationing only ended a couple of years ago and they might get TV some year.
Why don’t they have as many things as we do?
Dear Sunspace,
Well, son, England is a Communist country, even though they call themselves a “Constitutional Monarchy”. And we all know how evil Communism is. It’s a wonder your poor auntie even has electricity, let alone a television. Small, cramped cars and bicycles are sure signs of communism. Yes indeedy.
Dear 50’s Dad:
I like Rock-Roll music. Gotta have Rock-Roll music if you wanna dance with me. It’s got a good beat, especially with a wailin’ sax, and when Susie & me are jitterbuggin’, we get all shook up and have a good time.
The world could never be better.
Are we going to hell?
– Hot Feet
Dear 50’s dad,
When i woke up this morning my thingy was all hard and uncomfortable…
have i done something wrong???
Dear 50s Dad.
My wonderful husband actually enjoys cooking supper for us after a hard day at the office. Is this normal? And if I’m a good wife, shouldn’t I let him do what he wants to? Am I failing in my wifely duties if I just do the dishes?
Wants to be a good wife
Dear 50’s Dad,
I want to be just like my dad. He smokes three packs of unfiltered Pall Mall’s a day. So do all his friends. Would it be ok if me, his fifteen year old son, starts smoking so I can be like my dad and light up while we watch tv together? Would that make my dad proud of me? I’ve heard that smoking isn’t something that can hurt me and that I should be able to still play football just fine, just like my dad wants me to.
Dear 50s Dad,
My daughter didn’t have many dates in high school, so we’ve sent her to college to find a good husband. Now that she’s there, she’s insisting on finishing her degree! How can force our little wallflower’s nose out of the books?
Sign me,
MRS
Dear 50’s Dad -
I am a girl who is really interested in science and would like to become a Chemical Engineer. When I graduate in 2 years, will I be able to go to college? What sort of classes should I be taking now in high school to get ready for my future?
Dear Hot Feet,
Hell? Probably not, son. Now, I know you’ll turn out to be a fine young man either way, but don’t you think Susie deserves a beau with enough respect for himself to avoid the temptation of rock n roll? How about some nic Pat Boone? Good luck, son. I’ve got a feeling you’ll do the right thing.
Dear Unsigned,
Sounds like somebody needs a nice cold shower. Then why don’t you go play some ball. Eh, sport? Go get 'em, Tiger!
Dear Wants…,
Listen, dear… a decent man might not have the heart to tell his wife she’s a lousy cook. You husband sounds like a decent chap. Have you tried some new recipes to re-kindle his interest in your cooking? You might try hinting around that a new cook book would make a terrific Anniverasry present for you. Good luck, and take care of that decent man of yours and get a new cook book or two.
Dear swampie,
You know, 50’s Dad prefers a good pipe, but if you think you’d like to smoke Pall Mall’s like your Pops, that sounds great. I think your father will be very touched that you’ve chosen his brand, too. Good luck, sport!
Dear MRS,
I’m afraid you can’t blame you poor daughter for your mistake. Most men just don’t find college gals that attractive. Her time would be much better spent learing the domestic arts like cooking and cleaning so she’ll have something to offer a man if he wanted to marry her. The only thing she’ll learn at University is how to be a Communist, and you don’t want that, do you?
Dear 50’s Dad,
My brother David’s favorite color is red, and he always wants to be the Russians when we play Cold War. Can a four-year-old be a communist? If so, how do I report him?
Sincerely,
Timmy
Dear Zipper,
Have you thought about getting married? It can be difficult to attract a good man when you’re busy studying all the time. Good luck.
My dad went to university and he’s an Air Force Engineer working on missiles to protect us. Does that mean he’s a Communist?
Of course not. Silly girl.
Dear 50s Dad:
Please let Susie know that Spirt, when used for an after-sex douche, will not taste like a “lymon.” It will, however, taste like a hymen.
And now, my question -
Would you bang Pat Nixon?
Signed,
Joe McCarthy
Dear Joe,
Again? Sure.
Dear Fifties Dad,
I heard my dad say that no good American man would ever turn down a cold beer. But I like whisky better. Am I a communist? If so, how can I straighten out?