Ask the Adult Child of a Hoarder/Clutterer

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
21

Wow, this makes me look at my friend’s parents in a slightly different light. The were alcoholics and old hippies, so we just assumed that was the issue. But yeah, they lived for decades in a packed 2 bedroom apartment with clutter, trash and fleas everywhere. I can’t imagine what the landlord did when they moved out after Lisa’s mom died.

And yeah, Lisa went hard in the other direction for a while. Her idea of rebellion was finishing high school, getting her BA and her RN, having a steady job, getting married and owning a home.

This is really fascinating. Thank you.

22

I’m not an expert by any means, just someone who’s dealt with it firsthand. I think that the clutter/hoarding/squalor spectrum sometimes is just a visible symptom of the mental problems or turmoil going on underneath. That’s why it seems to worsen or even appear out of nowhere in the aging population. Your in-laws seem to have a lot of issues, including just general life management issues what with losing their house and all. I wish I had suggestions on how to intervene.

23

That actually reminds me of another of my “things”… I feel suffocated when the shades are down and the curtains drawn… I like my house open and airy, too. Keeping the house closed up and secretive so that no one could inadvertently see in and be horrified was a big deal in my childhood. Now I take great pleasure in being able to open the front door and let a breeze blow through the screen, and have the blinds and curtains open year round.

24

This is a weird question but I’ve always wondered about this…

They say that over-antibacteria-izing is contributing to weak immune systems in America. Like the over-use of antibacterial soap keeps us from pick up little germies and fight them and become immune to them.

So, growing up in a filthy house (not just cluttered…you mention quite a bit of “filth” in your OP), did that make you perhaps sick as a child and stronger, immune-system-wise, as an adult?

Does that make sense?

25

Ha, you know I’ve never thought about it. I was rarely very sick as a kid, and I’m rarely truly bacterially sick as an adult. I do know that I’m never been neurotic about everything being antibacterial, maybe because subconsciously I figured if I could survive my mom’s house, I could survive anything? LOL

I am ALLERGIC to a lot of things, though… especially dust and mold and mildew. And those allergies have just increased as I’ve gotten older.

26

My mother is a hoarder but it has only gotten really bad in the last ten years or so.

When I was young she did not keep the cleanest house but then again she worked full time. My brother and I had chores all the time. My father did not do any cleaning in the home he just badgered my mother and us about cleaning it.

My mom used to try and keep things neat by organizing her hobbies but she became so detailed that it took forever to organize. She wanted to color code and label everything when it really just needed a drawer. Most of the time things remained in stacks everywhere with the hope of organizing them later but the project was so big that it became to much and was never finished.

When my parents divorced we lived together for awhile but since we all shared a house it never really showed itself. After about a year and several arguments later she moved out. It was better that way as I could not live with her controlling personality.

For several years after that I noticed her apartment getting bad. Dishes looked as though they sat in the sink for days. The bathroom looked as though it was never cleaned and there were always things laying all over the floor.

She moved three times after that first apartment so I think that slowed the process as well but she has now been in the same place for seven years and it is really starting to show.

The counters, sink and stove are always covered with dirty dishes, pans, empty soup cans, empty butter wrappers, margarine tubs, milk cartons, egg cartons, forks, knives, spoons, cat food cans etc.

The floor is covered in cat hair and there is usually some dog feces on it as well. There are little bits of tissue and toilet paper all over the floor along with empty cat food and dog food cans.

Her table is completely covered with junk as are the two chairs. There is stuff stacked to the ceiling that she never uses but refuses to get rid of. The funny thing in all this mess she knows were everything is. You don’t dare move anything and I mean anything. If you do she gets angry. Things must be left were they are or she can’t find them. She may not need that Sanka jar with the four different screws in it but if she ever does she will know where it is.

I remember once I was dropping off something she needed and I wanted to use the phone real quick. I asked her were it was and she pointed at a pile of trash on table. She was right, it was under five stacks of old mail, advertisements, an empty cat food can and a mouse pad.

I have not been to her bedroom or computer area for quite awhile and I have no desire to, it is goat path to get there anyway. I know the last time I was in there half of her bed was piled with junk and empty boxes, her ashtrays were over flowing as well as the garbage can. There was only a spot for a cup of coffee on her computer desk. There were dirty plates, silverware and bowls shoved between stacks and stacks of paper, DVDs and VHS tapes.

Anymore the most I am in her place is to drop off groceries which is another things she hoards. She has four to five times as much as I do in my home and we have three adults. She will have me pick up six cans of soup and when I drop them off I see at least 10 to 15 cans of the same soup on her pantry shelf. I am sure there is more food stashed in her cupboards that she has perhaps forgot about or she knows it is there but she has no use for it yet

I do not help her clean anymore. I tried years ago but she would hang over me like a vulture. We got in several arguments over stuff that was just plain garbage as it was broken and had no more use but she refused to get rid of it. I tried to throw things out when she was not looking only to later get a call of where something was. Once I told her it was really trashed so I threw it away she would get angry and hurtful. You would think I threw out some precious china and not a broken plastic dish drain that she no longer used causing me to feel really guilty.

I don’t feel guilty anymore. It is not my fault. I love her but I can’t deal with her. I know she has a problem but I also know she will never admit it. If I try to bring it up she takes it as an insult so I don’t say anything to her about it. I don’t offer to help her clean anymore and she tries to guilt me about that but I don’t let her get to me. It is almost like she has no one in her life to control anymore so know she controls her “stuff”.

27

So true, my Wife and I have huge windows in a passive solar house high in the mountains. It’s always very very sunny in our house.

My Dad has these security blind things that don’t let in any light at all. He always keeps them down. This is part of the reason why his sleep schedule is so screwed up. It’s like living in a cave.

28

My moms place is like this too. She never opens any windows or the main door to let air in. All windows are covered so now one can peek in. Even the little diamond window in the top half of the door is covered up with a paper towel.

29

This is all so fascinating and so sad. There is a house near where I used to live and still pass every day–I’ve seen this house on a regular basis for more than 10 years. I’ve never seen the mini-blinds open, never seen any shade or window open at all. They had four dogs at one time, big dogs, greyhounds. They were out occasionally.

I’ve been worried about them for all this time. I don’t know them, and even if I did, what would I do or say? But this thread conforms for me that there is some sort of problem there. :frowning:

30

To everyone who is talking about their experiences with hoarders…how do the outside of these houses look?

31

My moms place was actually a garage converted into four apartments, two in front and two in back.

The place is run down to begin with but other than that you would never know what awaits inside.

32

My mom’s house always looked run-down but not horrible, but it worsened with time. It looks terrible now, post-Katrina. Of course, so does half the city.

33

My Dads back yard is a serious mess. But it’s has a privacy fence around it (that’s starting to fall down).

Not with horded stuff persay, but dog poop dog toys whatever the dog took outside and weeds that are over my head.

He used to have a covered concrete patio. But a heavy snow took it. My brother and I hauled it away.

He got insurance money for it, but won’t do anything to replace it. Or fix the soffit and facia that got tore up.

The front looks OK because my brother mows it. He lives right next door.

34

My Great-Aunt is like this! I had only been to her home once, and I was shaken by how bad it was. Her kids were grown, and we always had family things at her sister’s place, so I saw it first at age 20. I don’t know if it was stage 4, but it was definitely a strong 3. 3 Bedroom 2 bath ranch, with 1 Bath, 2 Bedrooms, LR and Dining full of stuff. Paths to the toilet and bed, but not the shower, the Fridge but not the stove. Grapes still in the bag rotting where they left them on the (carpeted) floor in the hall after they got them from the store. When her husband had a stroke, they both had to go into nursing homes, because he had been caring for her, and it took my grandparents and one set of aunt and uncle over a month to get rid of it all. Did I mention that my grandmother is well into her 70’s, and is the younger sister?

Her husband has since died, but she continues hoarding in her little nursing home room. I think that the hoarding was part of an overarching multi-faceted mental illness, because of her other crazy-type issues. The entitlement, the 80k of debt she racked up the year before her husband died (3 new cars: they didn’t drive. Clothing for formal events. Crap from second-hand stores. Craft supplies! Yes, he was retired, and no, she didn’t work at all). Its a sad thing when dementia is a blessing, but it has slowed her down to a more manageable acquisition rate.

35

This is so interesting. I dated a guy in high school whose house was about 2.5 sliding towards 3. It made me unhappy to be there, but his parents made occasional (every six months or so) attempts to get it under control. Never worked. I remember trying to cook dinner for the family and stepping over dirty pots and picking around weird stuff in their fridge.

His parents divorced when we were twenty. It wasn’t a big surprise. They were obviously all unhappy together.

36

My wife is like that. She kept boxes of sales magazines that came to the house. She accumulates store coupons that she never uses. When she is in bed I sneak it out to the street on trash day.
I tossed out her bicycle last year. She hadn’t ridden it in years and it was rusting through. She caught it at the street and brought it back in. I explained why it should go. Her response …Its my bike. When she went to visit friends for a couple days I cleaned the garage. We had a 2 car garage and we could not keep a car in it. Our closets are full of clothes 8 sizes too small for her. It is an endless war.

37

<sigh> My grandmother was a hoarder–several dozen boxes of empty drycleaning bags were removed from her house after her death, as were well over 30 empty, clean mayoinase jars, among many other things.

My twin sisters, now both deceased, were both at least stage 2 squalor types. They used to pay me to clean their rooms when I was about 9-10 and they were teenagers. Both of them only got worse as they aged. IMO, their juvenile diabetes contributed to the mess–they really couldn’t see well enough to know if something was clean or not. Cleaning out their apartments after their deaths (6 years apart) was horrible.
I am somewhat cluttered, but nothing like squalor or hoarding. I do the basics, but then about 4 times a year, I do a big cleaning and purging. I’d like to keep it all shiny and spotless, but with 3 kids, grad school and work, who can? I’d rather spend my time here or doing other stuff. I used to think I was just lazy (and I am), but now I’m worried!

I know I won’t hoard because after my sister died, (and my eldest sister moved to LA after giving us a bunch of big stuff, like patio furniture that she no longer wanted), my house was the clearing house for all of my sister’s things. And then, just after my basement and garage were stuffed with their stuff, my husband’s godmother died and we got MORE stuff. Our place looked like a used furniture warehouse for one summer. We sorted through and got rid of tons of it. I swore then and I do now–I will not collect junk. Not only for my own peace of mind, but I don’t want to put anyone else through what I’ve been through, sorting, cleaning and discarding all that stuff. Ugh.

As much as I hate filth, I can see myself falling into squalor more easily. It’s a thankless job, cleaning, and it takes constant effort. I can easily see myself becoming depressed (again) and just not cleaning anymore. Scary stuff.

ETA: my husband’s parents were definitely well into grade 2. She was drinking full time, and he went every morning off on the commuter train to work in Chicago. Dog shit on the floor, empty boxes of Saran wrap or whatever everywhere. It was awful going over there as a teen. She is tidier now that she is sober, but don’t open a cabinet–the “true test” at least for me, of cleanliness. All her stuff is just crammed, willynilly into the drawers etc.

38

Oh, they certainly do have a lot of issues. We are very aware of the financial ones so I sort of skimmed over it here; today I’m feeling like my eyes have been opened on this particular thing. We are trying to help them, but it’s hard to know what to do. My FIL is a textbook ACoA–both his parents were alcoholics–and he suffered a severe head injury as a young man and lost a good deal of brain function. So it’s a miracle that he functions at all–but he doesn’t function all that well and there’s no use expecting him to. My MIL I can’t quite figure out, except that she’s been living with him for 35 years and has been very poor that whole time.

It’s hard for us to understand, since they raised 6 children to competent adulthood, albeit with many struggles on their part. What happened?

39

Yeah, me too. It scares me to death to realize that it could happen to me, and then I go on a cleaning rampage. This thread inspired me to take 40 books to the library donation table and throw out the junk that had accumulated in the laundry room cupboards! I find that How clean is your house? has the same effect, so I watch it for inspiration.

I hope I’ll never get like this, and I do like throwing things out. I love a nice airy home. So I’m always trying to improve, and I hope it sticks!

40

My husband and I are both packrats. I’m trying hard to change it, I wasn’t as bad before I was with him, but he has so much crap that he refuses to get rid of, it is enough to fill the house, it seems like a loosing battle. (How many boxes labeled “wires” does one need?) We are hoping to move and I do NOT want our next house to be like this one. It isn’t the house, it is us.

However, I wanted to point out, I was raised by a neurotic woman who cleaned obsessively. But not everything. She would vacuum 5 times a day, but never dust. Trying to figure out what “clean” meant to her was insanity on a good day. I remember I spent a day cleaning the stairs, all the dowels and steps, really got them clean. Mom yelled that I laid around all day doing nothing. I thought the stairs looked great. The result of her neurosis is that someone frantically cleaning just puts me to sleep. I may be lazy, says my head, but I ain’t crazy. I realize my backlash from being raised by someone who threw away our baby books and virtually everything from our childhood gives me an unnatural desire to keep things. On my husbands side, his mother would “black bag” his bedroom, come in and fill black garbage bags full of stuff while he was gone, now he has unnatural attachments to things also.

It seems both sides of the spectrum are bad.