How long does it take to recover from being married to someone like that? :eek:
Deleted post.
How old are you and your husband?
Let’s just say I learned lessons that will serve me a lifetime.
Here are the questions I should have asked.
What vows did you and your husband make the first time around? How about the second time?
Do you see marriage as a permanent commitment or as something more short term?
Did you do anything like getting counseling to try to save your marriage the first time? Would you consider doing so if things go sour again?
My mom and dad did that, although with slightly longer timespans. They were married for a little under twenty years, and decided it wasn’t working out. Mostly, I think it was my mom’s idea. She was pretty young when they married (ten years younger than my dad) and they ended up going in very different directions as they got older. My dad had that sort of counter-cultural, idiot savant engineer thing going: he could build just about anything, but could never figure out a way to make a decent living off it, and never really understood why he should care if he did or not. My mom, on the other hand, got a job in a bank as a teller, and worked her way up to vice-president. I think she had this idea that she should be with someone more corporate and upwardly mobile, like herself. After two years of dating people like that, she decided that those sorts of guys were nearly as interesting as my dad, and they got remarried.
I got to be my dad’s best man, which was pretty neat.
Wow. These are a lot of good questions.
First of all, I am 29 & my husband is 44. I w as 22 When we married the first time. In all honesty, I’m not sure I was mature enough to get married. We had known each other a year and a half at that point. We did get married suddenly and I don’t think either one of us were prepared.
My husband (hereafter referred to as Boo) and I have always clashed a bit due to personality differences, we have figured out some ways to work them out… We have made it 4 years this time & it’s not been an easy road. The divorce was one of the hardest times in my life, but I’m glad we went through it.
Marriage is hard work & the romance part of it comes and goes, we have had some counseling ( most of which took place when we dated before the first marriage. Boo & I went about things all wrong the first time around, we got married too suddenly, we divorced in haste (I take full responsibility for that part, I was the one who suggested the divorce. It wasn’t long before I realized I’d made a mistake. I’ll never find a man who loves me as much as my Boo does. It took almost loosing him forever before I realized what I had. The Vows were fairly traditional both times, although (I think) worded more beautifully the second time.
Kinthalis, no worries. I realize how things look on the surface . I also realize that marriage is a highly personal thing and that it evokes strong feelings in people. I appreciate your apology, and hope ya feel better soon.
Janis.
I am glad you are my friend, and I wish you and Boo all the best.
He is very fortunate to have your strength, and you are so fortunate that y’all love each other.
In the words of John Sebastian, “A pup tent’s all you need if ya got love!”*
Quasi
*quote taken from the Woodstock sound track.
My ex-boss remarried his wife after a year of divorce time. Problem was, nothing changed with regard to the reason they divorced. The second marriage lasted a couple years, I think. She’s remarried and he’s living with a woman.
I think the kid was the reason they decided to go for it again. It’s a strong motivator, but in my opinion is not motivation enough to stay in a relationship that doesn’t work. In the end, the kid sees the relationship as it really is rather than through the clouded eyes of the parents.
So, if you realized shortly after filing that the divorce was a mistake, why’d you sign the final papers? Why didn’t you at some point in the proceedings just say, “Hey, look, I’m not so sure I want to go through with this?”
Since you’ve not responded to the multiple people asking about whether you had counseling before the divorce, I’m assuming you didn’t. So what steps have you taken to address the issues that led to the dissolution of your first marriage?
All I can say is why, WHY? There’s quite an age difference (and developmental) difference between you. All of your life changing actions seem to be done quite quickly.
It’s gracious of you to take all the “responsibility” but to me that just raised a red flag. Surely he is not an innocent victim in all this? It’s your life and I hope you’re happy, but :dubious: .
My parents took 5 years to get divorced (separated-living apart) and then got remarried (after my dad divorced his second wife) 7 years later. I told my mother (I was 21 when they got remarried) that she knew exactly what she was getting into. She calls to complain about my father and I will not listen to her. Some people never learn. (and I say that while loving both of them. She is manipulative; he is controlling and neither of them truly grew up. I want nothing to do with their petty mind games and childish hurts).
My experience with this remarrying the ex is not good. I know I will not do that. When I am (finally) divorced (I seem to be rivaling my parent’s in longevity of process), I will never marry again, period. I don’t care if Viggo Mortensen asks me–I’ll live him, I’ll love him, I’ll fuck his brains out nightly, but I won’t marry him.
That said, I believe in marriage as a good thing for most folks. I’ll just never put myself in that position again…
And I see this coming soon, but are you going to take the advice of the sdmb kollectiv? 
Next June we’ll have been married 5 years the second time around. It is easy? Hell no. We have many of the same issues we did the first time around. I am hot tempered and anger easliy, He’s very “cold” natured when he’s upset. He’s stubborn, I’m stubborn, he’s less social than I am, I’m more impulsive than he is. The difference is, we discovered that our marriage was worth working for. In all fairness, he always thought so.