Dear Lord:
Art thou arrayed in Magnificent Marinara or Almighty Alfredo?
Is thine Noodly Appendage verily al dente?
How large art thine meatballs?
huhhuhhuh I said balls.
Dear Jack Lord,
… wait, I think I’m not doing this right.
Hey Lord,
How’s the young bloke going? I understand what young men are like, and he’s probably having a great time and has forgotten and all, but he did promise he’d come back and visit, and did he? Did he arse.
GOD no longer posts on the SDMB, (since April 2000), but he e-mailed me this response for you:
You piss me off!
You sure he wasn’t just talking about you
Dear Lord,
Why did you make me drop the sandwich I made for dinner last night? Three grilled Steak-ums, mushrooms, onions, mozzarella cheese, toasted sesame seed hoagie bun, it was beautiful. And then it fell off the plate onto the ground when I bumped it pouring myself a drink! I tried to stop it, I did, I really tried! But I was too slow. It’s difficult to think about it, even after all this time. Mushrooms and onions all over the floor. A blob of melty cheese stuck to the tile. The bun broken and lying at a wierd angle. Why? Why did this sandwich have to suffer so? Why? Dear god why? You could have taken the pudding instead! The ice water! Anything, sweet merciful god, anything but the sandwich! I had to have soup instead. Soup. As if it could compare to the sandwich. I just want to know why, Lord.
Dear Lord,
Where the HELL is my earth?
[sub]I’ve been waiting… like… forever![/sub]
Lord,
Thank you for all you’ve given me. You’ve made me more handsome than Brad Pitt, smarter than Stephen Hawking, richer than Bill Gates and better endowed than Long Dong Silver. My wife is a gymnast/supermodel, my 15 year old is finishing his PhD at MIT and my 7 year old was just accepted at Harvard Law. My family and friends are all loving and supportive and my property value has increased 200% this month alone. You are truly a wonderful generous Lord.
Please help others who are less fortunate than me, namely everyone.
Hey God? Remember that bet I made with you? Yeah, it’s still open… And if you’re not going to work on that, could you get started on that list of people I’d like dead? Or at least fix the bleeping recession?
Jerk.
Dear Lord:
What’s your hang-up with beetles?
Oh, and can you smite the Diamondbacks for me? Thanks.
Dear Lord,
And not just beetles – what’s with cockroaches? Leeches? Slugs? I know there’s supposed to be a purpose to everything under heaven, but can’t we make a few exceptions?
Lord: I hear so much about You, and would love to Believe in You, but I’m afraid: if I pick the wrong religion, and every week I go to church/temple/whatever, won’t it just make you madder and madder?
(Basically Homer Simpson’s rebuttal to Pascal’s Wager)
Lord,
Please Bless this earth that our children may walk upon it in peace.
In Jesus’s Name i pray amen.
Dear Lord -
Thank you for taking whatever attention you had on the Browns and turning it towards the Indians. I realize even You are not powerful enough to let us have three great teams in one year. For many years it seemed as if you had forgotten us - nay, downright hated us. We have given your our 2007 Browns in sacrifice.
But please, please Lord do not make our Indians embarrass us in the playoffs. Or worse, keep us from the playoffs by Your hand. Since you have burned our river we are a sad and humble people.
Deliver us from evil, right in to a World Series win.
Yours Truly,
Cleveland
Dear Lord:
Did You see Bruce Almighty? I think Morgan Freeman was perfectly cast. What did You think?
Very, very respectfully Yours,
Elendil’s Heir
Dear Lord,
While erie774 thinks you have given him everything, you apparently forgot to give him the Gift of Grammar. Otherwise, he’d know that it’s “less fortunate than I.” (But maybe Stephen Hawking uses poor grammar, too.)
Since You alone are perfection, I’m sure you won’t be giving him the Gift until after his supermodel wife starts dating Autolycus.
Dear Lord
How come persons free of vices have such annoying virtues?
Is it true that wickedness is a myth invented by good people to explain the attractiveness of others?
Oh yeah, and thanks for all the ‘interesting’ times, you’re a laugh riot!
Elbows
Dear Lady,
Thanks. And also…WTF?
WhyNot
Dear God,
What’s up with the platypus? That must’ve been some killer bud you scored.
-KGS
Dear God/god/gods/universe/eternal nothingness:
What are you? Make up your mind, already!