Cal, don’t mean to pry, but I will. If you were intimate with this lady, and if she had a “complete” injury (i.e. loss of feeling and muscular control) can you address the query concerning sexual relations and her sensation?
UncleBill:
No offense, but I choose not to reply to this one.
[QUOTE]
*Originally posted by Dignan *
The tough thing is that when I do need help it never seems to be around! I can do pretty much everything on my own, but when the weather is bad getting around is a pain in the ass. When it’s raining or snowing a push would be very helpful (can’t hold an umbrella if I’m using my hands to push!).
Well, Dignan, I thought of you today when Mr. S had to give one of your rolling brothers a push to help him get over the slight lip in the driveway to the post office. (The curb cut was quite a way off; luckily it was not a busy street!) As we were walking up behind him, we saw him having trouble getting his rear wheels over the lip, and when we came up next to him, he was on his third try. Mr. S asked, “Need a little push?” and the guy gratefully accepted. We walked in the front while he went over to the side door with the ramp – and we ended up holding the door for him (into the POST OFFICE, mind you) – because there was no automatic door. :mad: Your tax dollars at work, ladies and gents.
Okay… I have to admit to some prejudice against the disabled. It’s not a hatred thing, by any means. It’s more fear, based on a lack of understanding. I’m uncomfortable talking with someone in a wheelchair; I never know if anything I say will come out as offensive, or will reveal me to be the ignorant jackass I am. So, thanks for the opportunity to ask some of the embarrassing questions that lurk in the back of my mind when I’m talking with someone in your situation.
First of all, when you’re talking with someone, does it bother you more if they mention your disability, or ignore it? How long do you generally know people before you are comfortable talking about it? What’s a good way to approch the subject?
When you’re having a conversation, do you mind looking up at people, or would you rather they take a seat to be on your level?
And I understand if this is a TMI question, but do you have bladder and sphincter control? I assume not, but then I’ve already admitted to being ignorant.
You mentioned above that you didn’t know how your orgasms work currently. Forgive my bluntness, but I just have to ask about that one. You haven’t tried anything at all sexually, even masturbation, for two years?
Feel free to ignore me if you wish; everybody does.
I think I should put a bit of a disclaimer in here. Obviously everyone and their situation is different. I’m just giving one perspective and the advice I’m giving might not apply in every situation. I think the main advice I should give is to use your best judgment.
Cal,
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I’m not sure what you mean by “encounter” that’s pretty broad. If you mean if you’re in the mall and there is another person in a wheelchair coming towards you just do what you would do with any other person. I don’t know what else to say other than that. About conversation, again, just talk to them like you would someone else. If they’re talking about being in a wheelchair or why they’re in one or how (in)accessible places are then just go ahead and talk to them about it. If they seem like they’d be willing to talk about it just ask them if they wouldn’t mind telling you what their situation is. I wouldn’t recommend using it as an ice-breaker though.
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Like Scarlet pointed out, curbs can be a problem. I can do wheelies in my wheelchair to get up and down most curbs, but every once in a while in a “historic” part of town the curbs will be really high.
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I’ve seen the reachers. I don’t use one because I’m young, really flexible, and have pretty long arms. The auto door openers are a nice luxury (maybe a result of the ADA?). I can open doors on my own, because my arms are pretty strong since they’re all I ever use, but when I’m tired the openers are nice.
by Scarlet:
You don’t need my help! Seems like you have good judgment, a helping hand is always appreciated. Even if you don’t need one an offer counts for a lot too.
mrvisible:
Just try to talk to them like you would anyone else. Treat them like you’d want to be, etc. You never think you could be in that position, but I’m proof that it’s possible. After you’ve talked to them for a while go ahead and ask them things, don’t be too personal at first though. The main thing not to do is make an attempt at a “wheelchair” joke. If the person has been in one for more than a week they’ve heard them all, and no matter how original and witty you think you might be, you aren’t the first.
I don’t mind talking about it at all. There really isn’t a time table. Sometimes, for me, it’s even funny to see people kind of tip-toeing around the issue. Like I said above, the best way to approach it is to just kind of follow their lead. If they talk about things relating to it, go ahead and ask. If you’ve known them for a couple of weeks and they haven’t brought it up go ahead and ask them. Tell them the usual, “if you don’t mind my asking . . .”
I don’t really mind either way. I think I kind of actually feel weird when people crouch down. At the same time, it can be depressing when I’m sitting around with a group of friends and all of them are standing, but that’s not anyone’s fault, just me missing the good ol’ days. Another thing not to do: put your hands on your knees, like you’re talking to a little kid or something.
You would assume correctly. To go to the bathroom I have to use a catheter. Not the kind that stays in all the time, those are unhealthy because they can cause bladder sphincter errosion and cause bladder infections easily. So every time I have to go to the bathroom (which I can’t really tell, I usually just go every six hours at least, except night) I have to lube up a catheter and stick it in there. Imagine that! Being a high school kid and the nurse comes in and, on top of knowing you’re not going to be walking for a while, says “you have to stick this tube in there every time you need to go to the bathroom.” Not fun. I spent all my previous years making sure nothing with even the least potential for harm was kept away, and then I find out every time I want to go to the bathroom I have to jam a tube down there. Talk about desensitizing yourself and going to a “happy place.” You learn not to pay attention.
Nope. Not much point when you can’t feel anything.
I bet these last two questions will get people to always buckle their seatbelts! I had mine buckled in the accident, it was just a really bad accident. But still, there’s no point in going through this because you weren’t wearing your seat belt in a minor collision.
Cry me a river. The “Ask the Neo-Pagan Guy” thread is still more popular.
Thanks for answering. Not only is this starting to help make some sense of things for me (and probably a lot of other people too), but you’ve got a really engaging writing style.
I’ve got a really tough question for you. As always, don’t go near it if it makes you uncomfortable.
I knew a guy in a wheelchair a few years back, who I was just dying to ask out. He was smart, handsome, funny and strange; I was pretty sure he was gay, too. But I couldn’t bring myself to ask, because I just didn’t know enough about his paralysis. Specifically, I didn’t know if he’d even be interested in a relationship.
Also, I was nervous about it seeming an act of pity, or a display of political correctness on my part. And, I wasn’t at all sure how the mechanics would work out…
So my ignorance kept me from pursuing something that might have been good.
I guess my question is, whatever your sexual orientation, are you involved with anyone? Are you still interested? Is there enough in it for you to be worthwhile?
And, what would you think about someone asking you out?
Sorry if these questions are insanely personal, but it’s been bugging me for years now.
John Hockenberry talks about this in his autobiography. He’s in the same situation as Dignan – as he describes it, his bladder is “stuck closed.” Nothing comes out without the catheter, but when he puts it in, his bladder drains. Others’ bladders are “stuck open” (or partially open), in which case they must use a catheter/bag combination all the time. Hockenberry says that of the two choices, he prefers it his way.
Dignan, you’re doing a great job, but I’m guessing that people who are following this thread would enjoy Hockenberry’s book, Moving Violations. It’s very informative, and he’s a real character to boot.
None taken.
When I ride my motorcycle there is a kindship among riders, we almost always give a wave when passing. **Dignan,**Is there a similar type “automatic bond” with other chair-bound paraplegics?
And do you recall how you felt emotionally after the accident, and when you knew this was going to be permanent? Rage? Fear? Disbelief?
Dignan is the expert here and I don’t want to intrude, but I might have some info on the always-engaging question of sex. I am not in a chair, btw, but I am a clinical rehab psychologist and have worked on SCI units for several years.
Most males, if their injury is complete (no sensation or motor control), might get reflexive erections, which are erections in response to touch. Erections when cathing are common, for example. Usually, psychogenic erections–those in response to thoughts or sight, etc–are not possible. Given the lack of sensation, of course, they can’t feel either one. Orgasm is possible, usually through use of a vibrator or other device (trust me, you don’t want to know more) so they can father children, but an orgasm during sex is unusual when someone has a complete injury. That said, however, there are happy exceptions. If a male has an incomplete injury, the type and quality of erection depends on the level and severity of his injury.
For women with a complete injury, lubrication generally occurs with touch, but not with thought–sort of the female version of reflexive and psychogenic erections. Even though they generally do not have genital sensation, intercourse is certainly possible, although an orgasm is unlikely. As with men, if their injury is incomplete, what they feel depends on the injury.
If orgasm is not the only fun part of sex, couples can enjoy sex even if one person has a complete injury. My advice is to be creative and try things. A paraplegic friend of mine says “your sex life is over only if you think it is over.”
In general, I think sex after SCI is a little easier for women. Not only do women not have the whole erection problem, but we don’t worry quite so much, IMHO, about performance. Also, the whole idea of enjoying sex even if we don’t have an orgasm because it is pleasing someone else is a bit less foreign to us.
There are some good resources out there on sex after SCI; if anyone is interested, please email me. Also, I highly recommend Coming Home for the sex scene between Jon Voight and Jane Fonda–yowza! I have had men with injuries tell me they found it quite…inspirational. 
I have a question or two:
How did the doctors initially break the news to you? And how did you react?
Thanks
mrvisible, I don’t know about gay dating etiquette (there’s another thread for that ;)), but I wouldn’t think it would come across as a pity thing. The important thing is to treat people in wheelchairs like, what they are, people. I don’t think I’d have anything against someone asking me out. It’d be a hell of a lot easier too. I’m often worried that girls wouldn’t want to get involved because of the paralysis thing. I’m still interested.
UncleBill, I don’t know, there could be some kind of “special bond” but I don’t pay attention to it. I treat other people in wheelchairs like I do everyone else. If I don’t have anything to say to them I don’t talk to them, and I don’t/wouldn’t use the wheelchair to strike up a conversation. In fact, when I was first hurt I told a friend how I felt kind of guilty because I wouldn’t say anything to other people in wheelchairs and did know if I was obligated to talk to them. He told me that I wouldn’t talk to them for no reason if I was walking and I wouldn’t feel guilty about it, so there’s no reason to feel guilty about it now. I can understand if some people to feel a “bond” but that’s just not my thing.
Brynda I’ve heard about those and I really hope that you don’t have to stick it where I think you have to stick it. Just a yes or no as an answer will do.
I can’t really remember who broke the news to me or when because I was pretty out of it for a while because of all the drugs I was on (for the pain). I wasn’t happy about it though. All I could think about was all the stuff I wouldn’t be able to do any more. Then I started thinking about ways to kill myself, but couldn’t figure out any thing that I would be sure wouldn’t hurt, so I scrapped that idea.
My biggest fear is that I won’t be able to have kids. Even if it was possible to father them, I don’t know if I’d be able to raise them through infancy (and everything else!) with the state that I’m in.
If you haven’t read Hannibal (as in Lecter), there’s a passage in the book that describes what I think Brynda is talking about.
That you would have such personal concern for children who are not yet even conceived, in either sense of the word, makes me think that you would be a fabulous dad and husband. If I were a single woman who wanted kids . . . well, how YOU doin’? 
Dignan, 'fraid so. Sorry about that.
I have to commend you on this thread. You are a brave guy to fight ignorance on this personal level. I think Scarlett67 is probably right about your potential as a father, too. I have known women who have raised babies from a chair. No reason you couldn’t do that, especially given your reach.
Regretfully, I am more than familiar with spinal injuries:
My father in law is in a wheelchair.
Paralyzed from the nipples down from being T-boned (not the steak, but like the letter T) on his motorcycle. His vertebrae (t4 or 5, I can’t recall)was crushed from the impact of his landing on the cement. (my mother in law was in the accident too, her left leg essentially took the brunt of the hit from the car and severed her leg below the knee. It was peiced back together and she only has minimal aches and pains and can predict the weather better than a Doppler 9000.)
They are now 60 and 58. It happened 10 years ago May 19.
They have never boo hooed themselves. My father in law was extraordinarily active for a man his age. He was a brick mason ( best one around, he was still getting calls from big name builders years after the accident from guys who hoped Siggy might be available, only to find out about the accident then.) They are positively the most optimist people I have ever met. Growing up in a family of disabled people ( my brother’s all have Muscular Dystrophy)I can tell you first hand, **Attitude Is Everything ** I grew up in a Ying Family to marry into a Yang Family.
Think about all the good things in your life: family, friends,and the insane people here at Straight Dope. The year of my father in laws accident, 1991, the ADA passed. Meaning, before that, curbs and entering buildings was a major pain in the ass, amongst other things.
You are not alone, especially if you are schizophrenic
And you do have a right to be angry, you are a young man and bad things should not happen to a young man or woman. But they do. (Bad things should only happen to pedophile, homophobic, nazi drug dealing ass wipes.) I won’t tell you this is all a * part of a master plan *and things happen for a reason , because you’ve heard it all. Just remember this: ** There is always someone to talk to.
If your vertabrae was bruised, I daresay I would not give up hope on never moving your limbs again. It can take a long time for the shock to wear off for the spinal column. Nerves have been shown to re-route themselves. The advancements being made on spinal injuries are growing by leaps and bounds in the last ten years. You may want to check into one of the top places in the country for news:
Miami Project. and the one Christopher Reeves in in, which totally escapes me now. It’s in Colorado. It’s where Mike Utley went.
Also, don’t beleive everything the doctor’s tell you. They have to give you the worst case scenario. They are not lying sacks of shit, they are protecting themselves from lawsuits.
Anyways, I do have a question:
Do you have a handicapped equipped van or a car with hand controls to help you get around?
How has your house been modified to meet your needs?
What do you want to be when you grow up?
Do you have a quickie wheel chair? Standing wheelchair (those are waaaaay cooool.)
Brynda, darn, that’s not what I wanted to hear at all. I’d heard people talk about them before, but never about how to use them. That really pisses me off. Oh well, it’s just spit in a bucket at this point. Thanks for filling me in though.
Shirley Ujest, yes I have a car with hand controls. It’s a two door and I have a quickie wheelchair that I fold up and put in the spot between the front and back seat (think where you’d put your legs if you were sitting in the back). We had to make a lot of modifications to the house after the accident. Ramps, remodeling, the works. I don’t have a clue what I want to do when I grow up.
You mentioned that you were adjusting to college. Are you living on campus? Is the college helpful with stuff such as getting around, giving you a mailbox low enough on the wall that you can reach it, etc.?
Also, what kind of stuff do they have you do in rehab? Do they have you doing that pretend-walking thing?
Dignan, you’re cool! The questions I had have been asked & answered in this thread already, mainly etiquette…stand or crouch, offering to help. (I’ve been brusquely denied twice, and had people grateful, too. I guess it’s an individual thing.)
While in college, there was a guy in one of my classes who had one of those wheelchairs that he blew into to operate. Most of his body was pretty much inoperable, and he could only communicte through a laptop. A friend of mine & I used to take him to lunch because he could not really feed himself. I must say, it was a little strange spoonfeeding a man who probably had a higher GPA than me…it did feel awkward, though I got used to it.
Sorry I took a while to reply.
GilaB, yes, I live on campus. I don’t think the University does enough to make sure things are accessible, but I can reach the mailbox, and while it’s not ideal it isn’t terrible. I’m not in rehab anymore, but when I was the therapists pretty much just taught me how to do things for myself when I got out into the “real” world. I practiced opening doors, getting dressed, bathing, cooking, cleaning, etc. I can do all of those things now without any problems, it takes more effort than if I could walk, but everything does. I’m not sure exactly what you’re talking about with the pretend walking thing. I didn’t do anything like that though. There are electrodes I guess, but the place I was didn’t have anything state-of-the-art like that.
Carina42:
Yeah, it’s like anyone else. It’s good that you don’t characterize an entire group because of how some people are. I think it’s always best to offer to help, even if you get turned down.
What do you miss the most?
Did you get to have sex before your accident?
Do you race? I thought the wheelchair races at the Sydney Olympics were the coolest
Dignan, you stated you wouldn’t be walking “for a while.” What’s your prognosis? My understanding was that a bruised spinal cord was an “incomplete” injury, and therefore could possibly recover some function over the long term.
Did you receive gangliosite or some similar function-loss-preventative (don’t know how else to describe them) drug after the accident?
Do you think it’s a good thing or an unhealthy thing to hope for new treatments that might cure you?