Yes it is ticking very loudly. This guy may want to have a family and settle down but IMHO he is NOT ready for it now by any means. By the time he gets his shit together, my eggs will be dried up 
He just seems like too much of a “man child.”
My rule of thumb is this: You know what’s up (if you want to stick with it or move on to greener pastures) at somewhere around 90-100 days. By now, it is whatever it’s going to be. Not much will change.
So, as you’re looking around and taking stock, ask yourself: is this what I want in a year? Five years? How many things are on my list of “If only ______ would change, then this would be awesome.” Cut your losses and go find someone with whom your list of shit to change has pretty much zero items on it. IOW, listen to your instincts.
I understand where you’re coming from, but it was his whole attitude, thinking it was so gross and saying that he would gag and vomit if he had to smell poop. And he has had opportunities to change diapers with his nephew. He just has never felt any interest in helping. Me on the other hand, I was babysitting my nephew since Day One and have changed hundreds of diapers. I babysit several times a month. He on the other hand has never even once babysat his nephew. That makes me think he would make bad dad material. Or that he has an attitude that child care is solely women’s work. Or just a lack of interest in kids. Which is a huge turn off.
I mean, he never held his nephew when he was a baby because he was scared? That’s a huge lady-boner killer
Well I guess I still need some assurances that I am not being hasty, and secondly, I need to know how to do it. What do I say to him? How do I say it? Do I tell him everything, or do I nice it up for him? Do I just say a vague “you’re just not right for me?”
This. This is what I am trying to do. I guess the doubts I am having is that I am wondering whether I am throwing away an otherwise good thing because I am holding onto a past love. But yeah you’re right, this is not what I want next month, next year, ever. We have literally run out of things to talk about. Forget about talking about interesting things like current events or politics. I just get met with silence or parroting back of some Fox News conservative BS that he heard his dad say. :rolleyes:
Sorry to hear that things with “Greg” played out badly. Mind if I ask another ultra-nosy question? Did the whole custody nightmare make him reluctant to remarry and/or have more children?
How has that affected YOUR opinion of dating guys who have already been married/had families? Would you avoid it in the future? And is that why you might have found this never-married, no kids, younger guy attractive in the first place?
You are very astute in some of your observations!
I don’t know for sure, but I think it’s possible Greg’s issues with his ex-wife and kids made him reluctant. However, towards the end (and many times during our relationship), he talked about how he wanted to marry me and have kids with me, if only I would get off my butt and get my life together (i.e. get a job). He even had bought a ring for me.
It kind of makes me sad because I got a job only a few weeks after Greg broke up with me, and I wonder if that could have made a difference.
Regarding the second question: Earlier in 2011, Greg and I had another breakup during which I dated another guy who was twice-divorced with three kids. It wasn’t so bad, and I liked his kids. However, on the other hand, I do still have the hope that I can find a never-married, no-kids guy to be with, because it does add a a lot of stress and baggage to a relationship. But I am open to it. I know that at my age, a lot of guys come with that stuff.
At first it did interest me very much that “Tom” was never married, no kids, but then little things that came out about him disinterested me, things that illustrated his irresponsibility and immaturity. Things like the lack of ambition, inability to keep a house, take care of himself properly, etc. Things that the dads I dated had, because they had to. I find those things attractive.
You’re not being hasty- if you don’t feel it, then you need to end it asap. You’ve given it plenty of time. How to end it- take him out for a quick drink, and at the end of it, tell him that you’re not in love with him and you never will be and so you’re moving on. Don’t apologize for your feelings, don’t say “I think…” and don’t waffle. Be firm and decisive. Then get up and leave.
Yup.
Yes, indeed to the above. And, you’d better knock off the nonsense about your previous boyfriend. The job was the least of your/his issues.
Grow up! No one else will do it for you.
You’re 36 years old. Your easy child-bearing days are coming to an end. If you want to have a family, you need to start thinking about it now…I’m not saying go babt crazy (please don’t!) but please keep that in mind.
Believe me, I know. That is why this is hard. That’s why there’s pressure for me to just take the next guy that comes along. Hence, my hesitation on dropping the current boyfriend. What if I can’t find anyone else quickly enough? Then will I regret dropping him? 
You don’t seem very emotionally mature for someone of your age. Why would you regret dumping someone that you don’t care for or respect?
Also, I hope that Greg becoming abusive to you helped you to drop the mindset that you had at the time of Greg=perfect saint and Susan=evil abuser. No relationship is like that.
What if you stay with him forever and ever and he:
- never wants kids
- never cleans up
- never gets a new job
- complains for the rest of his life about his job
- never moves out of his parents house?
WON’T YOU BE MISERABLE THEN?
Shouting/joking aside, the fact that he’s living at his parents house with no plans whatsoever to get out would be enough of a dealbreaker for me. Don’t you have any respect for yourself? Why are you dating this loser that has nothing you want at all? You yell at him for having no ambition; where’s yours? Only in your career? I actually have no problem with dead-end jobs, not all of us can be ambitious, but he should at least enjoy it and be able to afford at least a tiny place to himself. Put away your dreams of ever owning a house. How will you two afford children? Will you scrimp and save and never be able to give them anything nice?
What kind of example will your children get? Daddy lives at home, so that’s normal. Daddy hires a maid rather than even try a little to clean, so that’s normal. Does Daddy do the shopping? Or do his parents put food in the fridge? A million things he’ll be passing on to your kids.
You are also doing him a great disservice by not letting him know how you feel, now. All you are doing is leading him on, and it’s not right. He thinks everything’s hunky-dory. You are not happy.
You can marry him and get into an adulterous affair out of boredom and desperation in ten years and really break his heart. Or you can leave, making you happy, hurting him, but in the long run it will be better for him, too.
As to how to say it. Make your plans on where you are going to go now. Apartment? Friend’s house? Tell your boyfriend, gently, that this just isn’t going in the direction you want it to go in, that you don’t love him like that, and like others have said, BE FIRM. And then follow your plans.
Think again. How is it remotely kind to string him along? What you are doing is the cruel option. Cutting it off short seems cruel and it will hurt but it is better to use a sharp knife than make you both suffer over years.
Also back up on one thing. Relationships are not the end-all be-all. Parenting is not the end-all be-all. It’s OK to be single for a while. Take your time. It’s very telling to me that you say “What happens if I can;t find someone else quickly enough?” People generally need some downtime between relationships. And if it comes down to it you can look for a single dad and be a parent that way.
Alice, I’m not sure why you think I am not emotionally mature. I do care for this guy, I feel like he is a nice and good person, and am not looking forward to hurting him. I have never really had to do this before. It’s not going to be fun. Is that what makes me emotionally immature? Not wanting to hurt someone, or feeling awkward about dumping someone? :dubious:
You characterization of my views on Greg and Susan are wrong. Greg may not have always been perfect to me, but he went above and beyond as a father. And Susan has not done a great job as a mother. She has 6 kids, never had a job, now married to a new guy with a kid (so there’s 7 kids living there), he doesn’t have a job either, they’re all living off of Greg’s child support (all 9 of them), and she barely lets Greg see his kids and she talks smack about him to the kids all the time. She is a loser, and those kids are going to have major problems in life because of her. I do still think the kids would have been better off with Greg.
Anaamika, I love you! This is exactly what I needed to hear. You hit every nail on the head. Thank you so much for this. You’re right.
Now I just have to work up the nerve. My stomach is in knots thinking about how to do this.
When I had to break up with my boyfriend, it hurt like a motherfuck. I still remember his face, it was like a kicked puppy. I never felt so terrible in my life…
and I still stand by my decision that it was absolutely the right thing to do. Sometimes part of being grown up is shouldering the hard burdens.
I will also step up and say I am glad you’re out of that trainwreck of a relationship with Greg. Yes, the kids most likely would have been better with Susan, but you didn’t do anything to cause that situation, yet you were paying for it through the nose, and not just in money.
I went through the same thing, so thanks for typing out what I was going to say, but better.
Green C., would you want to be with someone in the future, married, a family, everything seems great, and then you find out that the person you love feels all “meh” about you, and secretly wish they hadn’t settled for you?
I don’t know about emotionally immature, but your hesitation to break up is definitely less common in people your age than, say, 17 year olds who don’t know how to get out of relationships without a Serious Reason. You don’t need a reason. You don’t have to defend yourself. You can like someone and still not think they’re a good match as your long-term life partner.
Reread your OP. You don’t think this guy is right for you, aren’t attracted to him any more, and list multiple major incompatibilities between you two. Why would you ever stay with someone you feel that way about? Being married to some loser you don’t like or respect is far worse than being alone.
Thank you for this, it helps.