Eve’s gonna have purple cheese on her head!
<Nelson Munce voice on>
Ha ha!
<NM voice off>
Were there any electric tools back then?
Put me down for an ample supply of Vin Mariani Coca Wine Tonic.
Sternvogel, might I suggest two volumes of highly educational reading? Story of the Wild West and Campfire Chats, written by Buffalo Bill himself, featuring a full and complete history of the renowned quartet, Boone, Crockett, Carson and Buffalo Bill and full of graphic descriptions of massacres, desperate battles, marvelous fortitude and extraordinary bravery. 90 cents. Also, Glimpses of the World, containing hundreds of full page scenes from important events across the world. $1.90.
And, as all children are in need of fresh air daily (although girls should always remain properly sheltered from sunlight so as to preserve their lily white skin), I suggest a Horsman’s Box Kite, because, as the description tells us not once, but twice, Kite Flying has become a craze!
Swampbear, I’m afraid that this particular catalogue does not offer homes for sale. However, can I interest you in umm…a nice marble tombstone? Those should always come in handy and you’ll be well-prepared should the need for one arise. These are made of the World’s Best Royal Blue Vermont Marble and are only $13.76, including lettering. Of course, if you have a longer name, it will cost extra.
Hajario, I do not know of these “death rays” you speak of and frankly, they sound a bit dangerous. Maybe your aggression would be more suited to a nice Striking Bag made of the finest bladder money can buy and a pair of Barry Pattern fine kid leather boxing gloves, $1.15 and @2.50, respectively?
Good one!
I should like to purchadse:[ol]
[li]A bottle of laudanum[/li][li]A buggy whip[/li][li]Hi Opal! Got your bicycling dress yet?[/li][li]Some manacles/handcuffs[/li][li]A solid ivory policeman’s truncheon[/li][li]And some dynamite. 10 cases should do nicely.[/li][/ol]
I’m planning a party. 
Ino, I am sure that Sears can outfit even your largest revolutionary army. I imagine that you are cost-conscious so we have Winchester Repeating Rifles, Model 1890 “Take Down”, 22-Caliber for $10.36 each, which will be $27,000 total. We also have a wide range of cartridges, including the “Smokeless” variety to ensure a cleaner, less air-polluting battle.
ThatDuckisevil, my what an interesting name! Is it a family name? Please take a look at our $14.95 Burdick sewing machine, with 7 drawers and a drop head.
Mr. Blue Sky, I regret to inform you that we carry a very limited line of “electrical” items. We do have the aformentioned Electric belt, perhaps that would suit your tool needs?
Spectre of Pithecanthropus, your order has been duly noted. Might I also suggest a bottle of our finest Peruvian Wine of Cocoa, which cures virtually all that ails you and has been severely tested and was found that more than double the amount of work could be undergone after subjects used a generous dose of Peruvian Wine of Cocoa. (Well, obviously if you are drunk enough you aren’t gonna notice how hard you are working.)
I recently became engaged, and for our honeymoon, we will be journeying to his family in New York for a few months. Could you have a walking suit, suitable for travel, sturdy, yet fashionable? And perhaps an evening gown or two, suitable for dining at the Waldorf?
(Also, how are your, oh, “unmentionables?”)
Oh, and I just remembered…are there any um, “devices” available for females suffering from, “hysteria?”
What is the best sort of thing for me to polish my spittoon with?
Oh, and I think I need a new chicken raper.
I’ll take it–I can’t wait to host my very first Talking Machine Parlor Event! I already have my cylinders of Nora Bayes singing “Fido is a Hot Dog Now” and Joe Hayman’s hilarious rendition of “Cohen on the Telephone.”
I would like an ice box in which to cool my johnnycakes. Can you please help?
Also, I believe I would like to invest in some new shaving equipment, but I am a bit behind on current events. Have safety razors been invented yet?
Mr Wolf
I have just found that my children are infected with worms! Is there anything in your magic book that could help me?
I’m sorry, the customer service desk is closed until tomorrow morning.
Oh, and Jeffro, it’s MRS. Greywolf. And don’t fret–I’m quite sure we have something to remedy your…umm…family’s problems of a delicate nature. If not, we probably have some tonic that will make you simply forget about it for awhile.
I’m currently suffering from severe aches resulting from my feminine monthly visitor. Got anything for that? Morphine, codeine, a club to bludgeon me into obliviousness for the next 5 days until this is all over?
And maybe a new bathtub.
I, too, lived in a Sears home. The Crescent model, circa 1923. They apparently delivered this in many boxes via train - so if your town didn’t have a local train stop, you were S.O.L. Most of the exposed wood in the house - moldings, stairway, banisters, and so on - was mahoganey. Floors were oak, as were the beams (each stamped with a number) and joists. They even supplied plaster, with directions to mix horsehair into it, for finishing the walls. Two bedrooms, a enormous attic and an indoor bath. Electric light fixtures, pretty glass door knobs, and stained glass transom windows finished off the house nicely. I can’t recall the exact catalogue price, but I want to say it was something ridiculous like $2600.
Unfortunately, the guy who built it neglected to order a level. Every wall in the place was crooked.
Bosda, you and your friends must have some extremely odd hobbies, but suprisingly, Sears is able to fulfill at least part of your order. Tower’s Permanent Lock Handcuffs for $4.06, , used by many police and detectives throughout the country and a Patrolman’s Rosewood club, nicely fluted and finished (because you certainly do not want to pummel someone with a lower-grade unfinished club) for $1.06. I am sorry to say Sears carries neither laudanum, buggy whips or dynamite.
Guinastasia, Ladies’ Tailor-Made Ventetian Eton style suit, in black, seal brown or royal blue for $13.75 should fit your needs. Alas, we have no evening wear suitable for dining at the Waldorf as Sears focuses on the more servicable line of clothing. The majority of our customers have neither the desire nor the means to gad about in the big city. Also, we do not have any “devices” for female troubles and hysteria but we do have plenty of tonics available. Any one will do because they all cover just about every ailment imaginable. The only difference in them is the name on the label and the size of the bottle.
Jpeg Jones, I am not entirely sure what a “chicken raper” is but it certainly doesn’t sound at all pleasant for you nor the chicken. Perhaps you could be a bit more specific? And as for your spittoon polishing needs, you can always use your sleeve and save yourself a bit of money.
SolGrundy, we have an entire line of iceboxes to choose from, any of which will cool your johnnycakes quite nicely. The Michigan Double Door Refrigerator, should have more than enough room for any number of johnnycakes and is beautifully carved, highly polished with heavy bronze trimming. The top is solid and makes a very useful sideboard as well.. All for just $16.76
I have no idea what a “safety razor” is so you can presume they have not been invented yet. However, we do have an extensive collection of straight razors to choose from, including the ever-popular Victor Razor, which is suitable for private use for $1.65. Word of caution however: it is probably not wise to drink any of our tonics and then attempt shave oneself with a straight razor.
:eek:
Like hell it is!
I am anxious to keep all my teeth healthy. Have you any state-of-the-art dentrifices for sale?
Also, I would like to purchase a bicycle, or perhaps one built for two. What are the recent innovations, and prices, related to these ingenious modes of travel?
One more thing. Does Sears carry any models of the “foot-pump organ”?
Ummmm, cows don’t NEED to be castrated. It’s the BULLS that need the snipping.