And here I sit, with all this talent, and I never get asked. How ironic life is! 
OK, all kidding aside, I have two words for you.
NIAGARA FALLS!
Do this.
Sing really badly.
Then say “I had to enter. I didn’t have to win.”
Open with this.
“It’s so great to be here! I’ve always wanted to be a stand-up comedian… Well that’s not entirely true. I wanted to be a gold prospector, but that didn’t pan out.” http://www.instantrimshot.com
Then have a volunteer (or a plant) come up from the audience.
YOU: So, what’s your favorite sports team?
THEM: [whatever they answer]
YOU: I’m sorry?
THEM: [repeats first answer louder and more clearly]
YOU: I heard you, I’m just sorry. http://www.instantrimsot.com
Then have another volunteer (or plant) come up from the audience.
YOU: So, have you ever been out of the country?
THEM: [whatever they answer]
YOU: Well that’s great. I’ve actually been to Italy. I even know a little Italian… His name is Mario, and he’s nine years old. http://www.instantrimshot.com
Then say “You’ve been a great audience. Thank you, good night.”