I’m sorry you and your family are having to go through this.
If you are of the religious persuasion, see if there is a local church in your area that offers a Celebrate Recovery program. Non denominational…identifies Christ as the Higher Power but still uses all the well known 12 steps from traditional programs.
I do not reccomend CR as the ONLY treatment plan but it is a good resource in conjunction with a more mainstraim 12 step program/detox facility.
I’ve been working with CR for a while now and work with some recovering addicts that have made tremendous progress.
Today was certainly interesting… high spped car chase, screaming, and skeevy friend.
She asked me earlier today if she could go out and hang out for a while. Oh, hell no. We had lunch and she got the mail. She then casually mentioned she was going to get a book from my car. After about 30 seconds I looked outside… gone. Just them my husband came home from work. We hopped into our cars and cruised the neighborhood. She was in a car with this skeevy girl that I was dumb enough to let sleep over a few times. Anyhow, there we were… three cars in a row. My husband was behind me and I was behind s.g. We lost my husband when they shot through a yellow light. I stuck with them until they finally pulled over.
I opened the passenger door, and grabbed my daughter’s purse and the bag that she had packed. Words were exchanged. I threw the bag into my back seat and more words were exchanged with the s.g. I told her to never come near our home again and to stay away from my daughter.
When we got home my husband was still gone, looking for us. Luckily he came home within a few minutes, then much hollering ensued. We gave her a choice; if she chooses to leave before we take her to rehab, she will no longer be welcome in this house. I’ll also call our relatives and tell them so she can’t take advantage of their lack of knowledge. She is choosing to stay.
I came home from lunch at work Thursday to check on things, and skeevy friend came over while I was making something to eat. I’m such a naive idiot. My daughter told me that her friend was having computer trouble, and she was going to loan out our monitor so her friend could trouble-shoot. I stood there and watched her walk out the door with an expensive electronic item.
Sold. Pawn shop.
Our son is missing his favorite video game.
Luckily, when I chased after the girls and got them to pull over, I didn’t know her friend had a part in pawning our stuff, or I really think I would have had a hard time staying calm.
This is going downhill a lot faster than I expected and I am so upset right now. My husband and I take turns comforting each other, so that’s good. He has been telling me that this isn’t our daughter right now and that we will get her some help as soon as possible. Tuesday can’t come soon enough.
I can’t believe that my daughter handed off our monitor to be pawned while I was standing right there. Cool as you please. My husband is right; this isn’t our daughter. I want her back.
She owes someone $400. Are we supposed to expect someone to come over and try to collect now? Is her brother in danger? Are we?
This is heartbreaking to read, and I’m sorry I can’t say anything nice and comforting, but you need to know that every word coming out of the heroin addict in your house is a lie. **Every word. **Once you get your daughter back, then maybe you can take some small things at face value, but the heroin addict only knows how to use, and will do anything, to anyone, to make using possible. Letting her in your home, alone, unsupervised is a very very bad idea. Leaving her alone with her younger brother is also a very very bad idea. The people she owes money to know where she is, and won’t care where they get the money from–your house, your stuff, your car?
It’s so “easy” for me to say as it’s not my daughter and not my family but God, I’ve seen this before and even though you’re an internet stranger, I do not want to see this again. I cannot imagine how wrenching it must be to think that you have to treat your daughter like a criminal, but your husband is right–she’s not your daughter right now, she is a heroin addict.
Please take care of yourself and each other in this. I wish you strength and peace. I hope she is able to get help but if she doesn’t, do not let the heroin addict destroy everyone else’s lives too.
My wedding ring - pawned
My husband’s wedding ring - pawned
The gold coins mom and dad gave me in 1985 - pawned
Our son’s coins from grandpa - pawned
My GPS unit - pawned
Another video game - pawned
My husband went out yesterday and filled a prescription for her to ‘help her sleep’. When she went to ‘get the mail’ she hid them so someone could pick them up. She owed them money or was looking to earn some, not sure which.
Probably more she can’t remember. It has not been a good evening. When I found out about my wedding set I started screaming and couldn’t stop. My throat hurts.
Rehab can’t take her until Tuesday at noon, and I can’t even stand to be in the house with her right now. I sure as hell can’t sleep.
We don’t have the money to get our things from the pawn shop, and I can’t stop crying.
She’s really not welcome here anymore. Where is she supposed to go after rehab? If she stays here, stuff will disappear. What am I supposed to do, quit my job and watch to make sure we don’t lose what little valuables we have? If we make her leave, we know what will happen; downhill fast.
I understand that we can’t enable her. It’s swell and all to understand that, but when you live it and it is your child and you know where they will go and what they will do when you finally give up and throw them out, it is the most horrible pain.
I’m glad I have an outlet here. I can say things that I can’t tell people.
You simply can NOT leave her alone. Not for a minute. Certainly not even for her to go get the mail.
The only way I can think of for you to get your stuff back from the pawners, since you don’t have the money on hand, is to file a theft report with the police (she did, after all, steal the stuff, right?) and perhaps use that as an argument to have the goods returned. That might, however, involve having your daughter arrested which, no doubt, would be extremely upsetting and may screw up getting her into rehab.
This is a very ugly situations.
Once again - you can NOT leave her alone. Not for a minute. Not as long as she is in your home.
Right now, worry about surviving until she gets into rehab. Once she’s in rehab THEN worry about what comes next.
I agree with just about all of this. The only thing I would add is to possibly reframe it as you can’t leave your personal belongings unsecured with her, rather than leaving her alone. She’s an adult, but also a danger to the safety of your possessions and just putting that spin on it changes it from “babysitting” her, which will result in more sneakiness, to safeguarding your items. I’d even venture to say that you just let it happen if she wants to sell her prescriptions or anything belonging to her—not your problem. Keep your energy and sanity for the fight ahead by choosing where these resources go.
As for filing a police report to get your things back…it is an option. I know that some people have entered rehab that way, but it would be worth investigating whether that would muck it up or not.
Your daughter needs help, yes, but you and your husband and your son need her gone, now, so that you can start to put the pieces together.
You can think about this after she is out of the house. Optimistically, after a 28-day program she may have sincerely made a change. More realistically, most likely she will qualify for a medicaid-funded halfway house. If your daughter is of legal age and not your legal dependent she can qualify regardless of your income.
Halfway houses come in many shapes and sizes. I do not know where you live but in NYC Greenwich House has excellent programs. Perhaps they can recommend a facility nearer to you that offers similar support (individual and group therapy, 12-step programs, vocational assistance, educational assistance, etc – not just a place where a bunch of ex-users live) Their number is
212-691-2900
Also, once you connect up with a peer network (nar-Anon, etc) I am certain other people there will have opinions and advice on this issue.
Purple Haze, I found some limited information on retrieving stolen items from pawn shops. It’s not terribly optimistic, I’m afraid. However, it does have suggestions for what information should go on a police report, and marking items so that if it ever happens again your chances of retrieving items is enhanced (and, let’s face it, if your daughter relapses again she could steal from you again so you might want to take precautions)
Laws do vary from state to state regarding pawn shops and return of stolen goods, so you will probably want to look up the relevant ones for where you live on line. I know it seems like a long shot, but you may want to try.
You might also wish to invest in an in-home safe. I realize money is probably an issue, and I’m sorry, but do consider it. You don’t’ want a “portable safe”, which is really just a fire or waterproof box to guard against fire or flood, you want something that embeds in a wall or floor that can’t be easily stolen. Unfortunately, your daughter may have also put you at greater risk of theft. I’m sorry if that is the case, but the more you do to protect yourself the more in control you’ll feel in a situation that feels out of control.
By the way, let me be more explicit about safes - I worked at a treatment clinic for addicts for four years. We had a 300 lb safe stolen from the nurses station in the middle of an afternoon with literally hundreds of people between that station and the front door. I still don’t know how it was done - this was not something you could conceal under a coat or tuck under your arm. As it happens, that was the decoy safe, the REAL safe was embedded in the concrete floor under a rug that was under the clinic director’s desk. Getting in an out of it require two people to move the desk but it was pretty damn secure. I realize that may sound extreme, but on any given day we had hundreds of clients just like your daughter - some of them would steal the garbage cans to go through the trash looking for anything a value. I had my pockets picked twice while at work. I have some empathy for what you’re dealing with here.
So… yeah, you might want to install a secure and hidden safe, then purchase a decoy safe (a small one - you’re not a clinic that stores medications, so yours can be much smaller and cheaper) so next time if someone steals something all you lose in an empty box.
I’m sorry for your situation and for your daughter. Is she of legal age? If she is you need to change the locks and get a restraining order. If she violates it she will go to jail for a month to dry out. They have programs in the jails for addicts and she might get into one of them?
See if there are any Alanon meetings in your area. You need someone that understands. I have a friend going through this and she gets a lot of support in Alanon.
I highly recommend legal action - not only do you have to protect yourselves, but especially your son. It may feel like it’s breaking your heart, but what will your son feel like if you do nothing major?
Don’t apologize to her for what you do. She is the one who’s lying to you, stealing from you.
I’m so sorry this is happening to you purple haze, but trust me when I say there is more (much more) that has gone missing from your home, you just don’t know it yet, and she probably doesn’t even remember what it was or when it went ‘missing’. This is one of those times where I hate being able to speak from experience.
Aside from all the other good advice you’ve gotten here, I suggest you:
Change your pin numbers for anything she might have had access to.
Check yours, your husband’s and your son’s credit report (and bills), in case she’s taken anything out in your names. (thankfully that one happened to an acquaintance, not me)
Go into her room and remove anything of value. (and her stash if you can find it.)
Head to the pawn shops in the area, explain the situation and have them photocopy her license so that she can no longer frequent them. It’s a longshot, but they might be sympathetic and work something out with you. Keep a record and make her pay you back, no matter how long it takes.
You cannot let her back in the house after treatment, it will be harder on her, (and you) but you’ve already given her a second chance and she wasted it.
Another idea: look for missing packs of blank checks, and look through the numbers on the blank checks that you have to see if she’s pulled out one here, one there, to make it less obvious.
If it were me, and I was going to let her stay in the house until entering treatment (which I think is an awful, awful idea) I think I would actually give her some cash to get her dope, as the things she will steal and then sell are worth 10X as much money as what she will end up getting for them.
Junkies would gladly take 20 bucks RIGHT FUCKING NOW for a coin that is actually worth $300 at a local collectors shop…
This is the one item I disagree with. As MPB in Salt Lake pointed out, she wants anything she can trade for drugs now. Taking her stash will just make her angry and desperate.
Other things, now that you’ve reminded me of things that were stolen from me—CDs, DVDs, other jewelry, silverware, crystal, cell phones. I’m honestly not sure how this particular market works—I can’t imagine that my ex got much heroin in exchange for my old CDs, but again, I don’t think they’re looking at market value so much as immediate cash.
You must not know any addicts, or at least not very well. Theft and pawning are very typical, regardless of favorite poison be it heroin, alcohol, meth, or even a heavy enough pot habit. It’s found in gambling addicts, too, who also need large sums to support their habit.
Of course, if you do anything to restrain her stealing again she’ll try to blame you, yank you around emotionally, try to make it YOUR fault. It is not your fault! SHE is the one behaving badly, unreasonably, unethically, and illegally. Of course, that makes it horribly painful for you, as she is your daughter and you love her, but this is a situation where some hurt now is better than more hurt later. She might call you every nasty word in the book, but you have to stand firm.
