Today’s fortune
Yeah, I’ll just get rid of this before Mrs. Cheesesteak gets home, thanks.
Am I being whooshed or did I forget the <humor> tags again?
I wonder, during the revolution, did fortune cookies in China get converted to quotes from the Little Red Book?
I thought I was being insulted by a mural at the subway station in Williamsburg this evening. It said “Use Less.”
…in bed?
Yes, but that’s like saying water is wet.
Duh.
They shoulda saved the paper. 
I got one once that said:
Your face is your fortune. God help you.
I kept it on the fridge for the longest time because I thought it was the funniest thing ever to come out of a fortune cookie, but somewhere in moving house I lost it.
Just yesterday, my friend opened up his Sobe (tea) and his fortune said: Fortune does not smile upon you this day…
Yesterday: his neighbors set up some weird drainage thing so that their water would drain on his and his mom’s land, mom called the cops, cops fined neighbors, neighbors shot his irish wolf hound.
Well, fortune doesn’t seem to have been smiling on the Irish Wolfhound, anyway.
“You will live in interesting times.”
Cookie bastard.
The last fortune I got seriously said “Never smell the inside of a man’s hat.”
It’s good advice, y’know.
I have one I carry in my wallet, cause it seems like it was written by my secret biographer:
And I never have. Some call it pigheadedness, but I just say that the fortune cookie told me so.
My favorite and most accurate was “you will find small fortune.”
It was a self-fulfilling prophesy!
When I was working for the ABC Radio Network in the 1970s, there was a sportscaster who flew in from the Midwest every weekend to do his announcing. He was CLUELESS. About everything. Seriously, it was dangerous to let him out of the building without a minder.
New Yorkers being what they are, he was soon the butt of many great practical jokes. My favorite was the night that the engineers and director on his show got hold of his fortune cookie in advance, extracted the real fortune, and inserted one that said “Where’s the #%$@* TIP, Round-eyes!?!”
He didn’t get it.
I got that one too! I still have it in my wallet. Other fortune cookie gems I’ve encountered are “You will get some new clothes” and “happiness is a bouncing ball.”
I got one that said “This is the year when ingenuity will stand high on the list.”
OK. Vague waffle talk. Nothing too ominous there. Except for one thing - I found it on my desk at work in place of a fortune I had been saving that said something sweet and coincidentally romantic on the day I got it. (I don’t remember what it said, but it wasn’t about ingenuity! It was about romantic success!)
So someone replaced my sentimentally saved fortune with a vague waffly fortune which I now treasure (as in… leave on my desk where it may well be nicked or replaced with a new odd fortune) in its place.
My best one was “You are doomed to be happy in wedlock”
What the christ does “doomed to be happy” mean? Shouldn’t it say I’m blessed to be happy or something to that effect? I have it taped to my door and still laugh at it.