How do you say goodbye to someone who's dying?

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
21

My uncle who has lung and brain cancer got moved to a pallative care facility today. It shouldn’t be much longer, his breathing is laboured. With work, I don’t get him to see hime as much as I want to , but I try to see him around twice a week. When I do see him, when he’s sleeping a lot because of the morphine. But when he comes to I just hold his hand, ask him if there’s anything he needs and make sure he’s comfortable. I leave it up to him if he wants to talk about anything serious, he doesn’t appear to want to for the most part so I don’t think I’ll ever be officially saying “good bye”. I just tell him I love him, and that other people love him when I leave. Saw him today, he used to be a hulk of a man at 6’3, now he’s barely 120’lbs. 57 years old.

Just be there for your friend is the most important part.

22

Great advice here. Good for you for going to see her. It would be easy to avoid.

23

+1

Be there. Its the thing to do. Even its its just holding a hand while watching TV. Be there.

Don’t let people manage/marginalize you away from this chance either. People pulling the job career card are looking to CYA a blip on this weeks spreadsheet, and that’s It.

Be Polite- “We’ll have to take that up with HR when I get back.”

And if they get in your face, be Impolite- “Well then, F.U. And we can take that up with HR when I get back too.”
Posted by someone who missed that chance to say goodbye by mere minutes and still regrets it 13 years later

24

Oh, hell to the yes. When I found out about her diagnosis, I told my (brand new) boss the very next day that I needed to go see her once before she died and again at the funeral. My boss has been very good through all of this. Ironically, her mother died of the same cancer so she knows what my friend is facing.

25

This is such a great sentiment, elbows, and really gets to the heart of what this woman means to me. She is such a blessing to me. She accepts me for who and what I am. I never have to justify myself to her. It’s such a great thing to have a friend who is always, always, happy to hear from you and who imparts to you the knowledge that you are loved.

I will miss her so much.

You all have been so very helpful and kind and I thank you.

26

Been through this too many times, and what worked for them (and me) was to just hang out and talk and be ‘normal’.

Help in any way possible, almost ‘matter-of-factly’. Just don’t be patronizing.

Maybe I am simplifying, but that’s my experience.

27

Thats great to hear.

A suggestion. While its a pretty grim process if you think about it too much maybe the boss would let you have a shot at trying to be there just before she passes? If I was dying I sure rather you try to visit me again towards the very end rather than attend my funeral.

28

I went thru this with my mother in 2008 and my father in 2011. For mom, I was able to have some time with her while she was in the hospital, before she was moved to the convalescent home, when she was still very cogent and not addled by the pain meds. We were able to say “I love you” to one another, and share in some thoughts and memories. We did not know the road ahead so there were never any “good-byes”. She spent the next 10 weeks going downhill and became mentally unawares and we were not able to converse in any meaningful way in the days leading up to her death. One day I told her not to worry about us, that we would be alright - a couple days later she was gone. I was able to say goodbye to her while she was still on her deathbed, just afterward.

For dad, he gradually became very ill over the summer, and Labor Day weekend he went to the hospital and never went home. I was able to have the same cogent conversation with him before the pain and pain meds and tubes filling his arms took him over. I started thinking this would be it for him and wanted to talk more deeply, but by that time he was in-and-out of conciousness. The morphine drip allowed him to die in sleep without anything else hooked-up to him. When I saw him last I was able to pat him on the shoulder and say a final “goodbye” and “thank you”. I never got to discuss with him what he wanted to happen afterward, or if he wanted to say anything to me. I was just too in shock by the whole affair to know what I wanted to say to him during those final days. I wish I had written some things down and brought them with me - I would suggest you do that.

There is no right or wrong way to say goodbye. The only mistake that can be made is waiting. My lesson from all this is that you should never hesitate to tell someone how you feel about them, because you may be robbing yourself of the opportunity to do so. You never know for sure when will be the last time.

29

Just wanted to add:

I noticed the people in my life who knew they were dying felt bad that people were going out of their way to visit them. They all seemed very concerned that people were sitting in traffic or leaving work, and all communicated this. When anyone spent time with them, even the most mundane type of time, it was hugely and vastly appreciated.

Should I ever be in their predicament, all I would want is someone around. I’d feel bad they got to me, even if it only meant a short detour from their normal route and that they left work only a few minutes early. I would feel gratitude just for their presence.

30

There is a guilt in being sick, in taking up the time and emotional energy of others, that is a normal part of the process. This is one of those “plenty of guilt to spread around” sorts of situations, none of it usually warranted or deserved.

32

If I were the one being visitied - this is what I would want - I would not want to focus on the ‘woulda;/coulda/shoulda’ or the 'remember whens" - just visit, talk to me - and (as in your case) if past adventures come up, all the better - watch a movie, talk about the present -etc and so on.

If I were the one visiting - I’d like to think I could do all of the above - its what I would strive to do -

33

You seem to grok the “follow her lead” pretty well, so I’ll just throw this out here as one more possibility of what may, or may not, come up – make plans. Pie in the sky, castles in the air dreams, like the dreams you had when you were 10. “Someday, we’ll move to Montana together and run a horse ranch! You’ll grow organic vegetables, and I’ll sew all our clothes…” “Someday, we’ll go to Rome together and see the Sistine Chapel…” Doesn’t matter that it won’t happen. Just dream together.

My grandma and I currently have “plans” to backpack through Europe, meet the Dali Lama and go to Belgium to try the chocolate. Grandma’s thinking of taking a handsome lover while we’re in Italy, but I’m waiting until we get to France and have lunch with Johnny Depp.

34

What everybody else has said so far, but I take exception to the comment about my turning out to be a shit. :stuck_out_tongue:

My addition to the conversation is that I’ve always been averse to the actual ‘good bye’ phrase. What I’ve said to close out the visit is, “When my time comes, I’m expecting to see you waiting for me.”

35

[Missed the edit window]

Visits of this nature are some of the most emotionally wrenching experiences I’ve gone through. That said, there is no case where I’ve regretted going.

36

i am going through this at the moment with my dad. he has cancer as well. went through it with my mum as well. she had kidney failure. my brother he had heart failure. even my best friend at a car crash site…all in the last 5 years so i am used to this sort of thing happening. and sadly i have had alot of practise…lol…

simply put. accept we are all dieing and one day we will be proberbly laying on the bed looking at our loved ones…in a similar position… my conversation with the family members have been, first question " is there any thing you want me to do while your alive and after your gone". second question/response is telling that person all the things you are grateful for in the relationship…do any affairs need to be sorted???

and last and proberly the most important is TALK…talk about anything just crap…like you would when your hanging out…

death is not a sad thing…just a movement of things…laugh get checky…there is no real need to cry…you dont need to feel pain as the pain is not really there…why do you cry??? if they are in pain dont you want them to feel better?

i have asked my family members in their death moments what is happening to them? all of them have told me, it is like wanting to sleep. that sensation you have when you are totally spent at the end of the day and just want to sleep…sounds painless and enjoyable to me…so dont cry for them…when really you cry for yourself and your interpretation of what may be lost…because if you furfil the first 2 questions…matters are settled…love live and never let anyone that matters no not how you feel

37

I went thru something similar with my step dad. He married my Mom when I was in my Thirties and was more of a friend to me than a Step Dad. He didn’t want to talk about it, it seemed to me he wanted conversation to take his mind off of his situation. Just be there for her and go with the flow. I think you’ll figure out which direction to go once you get there.

38

Let her take the lead in the conversation, especially if you are not sure what to say. Knowing that this will be the last time you see each other I can tell there are a lot of things you want to tell her, but if she’s not ready to have that kind of conversation, try not to force it. The thing that matters most is that you’ll be there. If the things you want to say come up naturally in the conversation (say, because an old friend just did something interesting you’d want her to know about), go ahead and talk about them. If not - even though it’s not the same as a face-to-face talk - you can call her later or send a long letter. And I’m sorry you and your friend have to go through all this.

39

…and all of that is normal, if there is such a thing about all this.

Outstanding post. Agree 1000%.

This one too.

To each their own but I disagree about 800,000% (ballpark estimate).

Carol, I think you have as good a handle on this as one can reasonably have at this point. As others have said, just let it take its course as you are there. Best to you both

40

Thanks, y’all (hey, cut me a break; I just got back from Texas!). It was a good trip. My friend is still able to get around so we were able to go see some music on the first day and go take a drive on the second day.

When I first got there, my friend talked a bit about what was going on for her spiritually and emotionally, but she changed the subject pretty quick. We spent two days just talking and laughing like we always do. She gave me some important advice on a topic we were talking about before she got sick. When she got sick, I sent her my Kindle so she’d have something to do when she was getting her treatments. Last night I taught her how to use the text-to-speech feature since her vision is failing. It was pretty funny to have a female computerized voice read “Bossypants”.

She was really, really concerned about her appearance. She’s lost a lot of hair and is puffy from the steroids. On the way home from our drive on the second day, she asked me what I thought when I first saw her and I said, “Well, I noticed we both have gotten older since I last saw you in 1999 and I was wondering if you were always shorter than me and I just never noticed before.”

:slight_smile:

I let her know that, yeah, I can see there are some changes, but what I see is her spirit and her heart and I hear her voice and I know that’s my friend sitting there.

She and her partner (by their own admissions) are in pretty deep denial. (That’s ok. Five months ago they took a trip to Big Bend and all was well, and now it’s July and she’s dying. It’s going to take some adjustments.) We talked about me coming back down very soon, and I said I would.

When we got down to our last moments this morning, I told my friend that I realized in the shower that I never really talked with her about the fact that she was dying and what that was like for her. She said that I shouldn’t worry about that and that just being there and laughing was what she needed.

It was funny, she has been affected by a… palsy, I guess, which makes it hard to keep her head still and to look at you directly. As I was leaving, I gave her one more hug on the porch, and she looked me in the eye, steady and still and we smiled at each other and I told her I loved her and she loved me and I got in the car and waved good-bye.

People, do not, do NOT waste precious time on stupid things. What’s in your heart? Say it to your loved ones, your friends, your family. If you have the chance to go see a friend who’s far away, do it. You just don’t know what’s going to happen, and all of the sudden you can be out of time.

Oh, and I got kicked by a horse. (She missed, just clipped me on the shoulder. But that horse knows some new fancy filthy curse words now, though.)

41

I am glad it went well. I hope you at least consider trying to see her one last time rather than going to the funeral but that’s just me.