Put some new baby bottle nipples in a pot of boiling water and go to sleep.
Not only do they burn (once all the water is gone), they become tiny, black, floaty things that cover every surface the air currents can reach.
If chickens could pee, they would be wet on the bottom.
Put greasy meat under broiler in oven. Watch smoke and flames coming out of the oven vent on top. Throw a ton of salt on grease fire to extenguise the flames. Spend the next two days cleaning up greasy soot in the kitchen. I will never use the broiler again except to brown the top of garlic bread or pizza.
I’m only your wildest fear, from the corners of your darkest thoughts.
Oh! Oh! Me! I got one!
Watch Martha Stewart making “Gingerbread Ornaments” for her Christmas tree. Hate the bitch for being so domestic. Make your OWN damned gingerbread men/ornaments.
[quick side note] these things are a ton of cinnamon and very little water mixed into a paste, then heated in a slow oven until all dried out. They smell good (not edible) and you hang 'em on the tree [/quick side note]
Put the gingerbread men in the oven. Note that YOUR oven doesn’t adjust as low as Martha’s, but figure “What the heck”. Let men dry in oven for several hours.
Smell smoke. Look in oven to see FLAMING GINGERBREAD MEN. (one of the funniest things I’ve ever seen) Open the oven door, creating WORSE flaming gingerbread men. Grab a mitt and remove tray, throwing them all violently out the back door into the snow.
Spend next two hours airing out the house. (what an awful smell)
Listen in amazement when husband gets home and says “Mmmmm…smells good in here. Did you bake?”
Zette
Love is like popsicles…you get too much you get too high.
Not enough and you’re gonna die…
Click here for some GOOD news for a change Zettecity
Just making my requisite stop by this thread.
As Democritus so aptly put it,
I second that.
Jeremy…
Nobody ever calls me after they’ve done something smart.
My Jesus fish can beat up your Darwin fish but forgives it instead.
How about “How to Burn Your House Down for Dummies”?
Start roaring fire in fireplace.
Realize that the flue is not open.
When the thick black smoke starts pouring out and the flames start looking for more air, dash in and open the flu. If the adreneline surge makes you as quick as I was, you’ll only singe your arm hairs.
Of course, repainting the wall is a bitch.
Me next!
My latest trick is a variation on the tea thing - fill pan with water, heat to low boil, turn slightly down, pour out 1 teacup full, refill. Make cup of tea, watch tv, drink. Repeat 3 cups worth, then go to bed without turning off stove. Sleep 8 hours.
It is really amazing the beating those corning-ware glass pans can take. What was left of the nonstick surface was sort of a neon blue glowing deal. I’ve done this particular thing twice.
My old trick was to place pan of miscellaneous vegetable on the stove to heat, turn on wrong burner, set pizza pan on unintentionally hot burner and wait 15 minutes. I’d never seen actual flames coming out of a stove before. It was really impressive.
The only other time I ever had a fire was in college, when I accidentally set my bed afire, but that’s another story altogether.
May I also suggest that this thread serve as a reminder for everyone to go out and buy a fire extinguisher for your kitchen? I have one right under my sink, and now can make Martha Stewart projects and tea without fear of panicking in the event of a flare up.
Zette
Love is like popsicles…you get too much you get too high.
Not enough and you’re gonna die…
Click here for some GOOD news for a change Zettecity
Zette’s right - your insurance company will usually give you a small discount if you’ve got one too!
I didn’t burn the house down but I’ve been known to put a pan of water on the stove (for humidity in my Sahara house) and then proceed to take a nap while the pan boils dry and starts to get this weird warp to it. I usually don’t mention it to my husband…he’s a little nervous about that kind of thing!
I haven’t burned down the house yet, but I have something to go under the chapter of {i}
“Dumb Things I’ve Tried To Burn In The Fire Place.” *
Bringing back from Puerto Vallarta a wooden carved eagle that I purchased from a beach vendor for the grand total of $5 usd. ( I was still probably robbed, but I liked it and gave it to my husband as a tacky Xmas Gift) We nick named the bird, The Maltese Falcon.
A couple weeks later, the bird does a nose dive and his beak breaks off. Very unbecoming and I decide ( In a house by myself) that since the fireplace ( a heatilator) is roaring, to toss the bird in the flames. A few minutes later the entire house just stinks from whatever wood that bird was carved from and treated with. Probably an endangered tree and mind altering chemicals, knowing Mexico’s safety standards.
I manage with tongs to get it out on to the hearth and use a wet towel to rush it out into the cold cruel February snows to smolder and smoke in the snow. I haven’t lived the episode down since.
Next Week I shall try to shove a couch into the fire place to see what noxious fumes it produces.
I’m still wondering just who manhattan left the iron ON.
Uke
My 2 steps for burning down a house.
Have you voted for your favorite, huggable Mullinator today?
Oooh, my turn!
A few years back, some friends and I got ahold of some of the “Get Even” books by George Hayduke. One of the things that interested me was the instructions for making a solid version of the old saltpeter/sugar smoke bombs. Basically, you used the same proportions, but you would solidify the mass by cooking it over low heat.
In Guy-speak, this translated into: “Set up a sterno stove in the fireplace and cook up the stuff in an aluminum jello mold for a more-festive smoke bomb. Add match heads and sulphur for garnish.”
I had heard the term “flash point” before but had never seen it in action until that afternoon. The mixture went off with a bluish flame just as I was leaning over to stir it with a Pyrex wand. Singed my eyebrows and filled the basement with thick white smoke. I’m lucky I didn’t catch myself and the rest of the house on fire.
Oh, the humanity!
“It’s only common sense,
There are no accidents 'round here.”
When I was a child, I once set a vacant lot on fire while trying to make a burnt sacrifice to God.
Various procedures:
1)Hang cotton garment over bulbs on floor lamp in parents’ room.
2) Don’t tell parents you did it.
3) Anticipate parents’ grilling and likelihood YOU will be strapped with Dad’s belt.
Pour hot grease into sink directly from stove (electric).
Don’t look for flammable material already in stove.
Set up hibachi in living room, complete with glowing coals and steaks to cook.
Ignore protests of your aunt and cousin.
Select TV dinner from freezer.
Preheat oven and unwrap dinner according to instructions on label.
Go off somewhere and forget about TV dinner, preferably in late evening.
When cousin bawls you out because he was awakened after midnight by smoke detector, and your aunt gets on your case too, act innocent.
Excuse me–for 2) in Procedure 2, it should read "flammable material already in sink."
God, Tatertot, you have friends in Staten Island, NY. In 1995, I was shooting a movie there, and JUST as we wrapped, and I was pulling away, I saw flames on the tall grasses in the corner of a lot. By the time I stopped ( in the middle of traffic ), pulled on my Blue Tights with the required “S” ( for “Semite” rofl) on the bosom, and tore over there the the small fire extinguisher I keep in the van, it was really roaring. I got it out, but was VERY shaken.
Cartooniverse
Stop sacrificing to the gods !!!
If you want to kiss the sky, you’d better learn how to kneel.
How to (almost) burn your garage down:
Oh, did I happen to mention that beer was invloved in this?
Beer. It’s not just for putting out fires anymore.
First of all, applause on one of the funniest threads I have read…ever. Tears here, people.
My three tales of Near Death By Fire.
1.) I was 5. It was the hey-day of My Little Ponies, and I was wild for them. I had just gotten one with an extra long mane and tail. It was beautiful. After grooming it, I decided it was dirty and smelled funny, so I needed to wash it’s nylon hair. However, that made it wet. What fun is a wet My Little Pony? So I propped a lamp with a bare bulb against the Pony’s head, and left the bedroom I shared with my infant sister. 20 mintes later my mom goes to check on said napping infant sister, and screams “THE BABY’S ROOM IS ON FIRE!” Turns out the lamp had fallen, and burned a light bulb shaped half-circle about 3 inches deep into the floor. No flames, but a LOT of smoke. And Hopie (sister) had slept through the whole thing.
2.) Flash forward to about 2 months ago. The light in my kitchen had gone out, and the ceilings are increadibly high. I tried standing on a chair, to no avail. My roommate’s boyfriend is like 6’ 6", so she nominated him for the job. So it was dark in the kitchen, I turned on the stove to make…guess what? Tea. Except in the dark, I turned on the wrong burner and a paper plate went up. But I didn’t realise it until I was in the living room with my roomie, watching TV, and I see light in the kitchen. “That’s strange,” thought I. “The bulb is out in the kitchen…FIRE!” Sure enough, not only had the paper plate gone up, but so had the wicker plate form it was on. HUGE flames. The fire alarm had not gone off (turns out they haven’t been checked since '97) but I threw a pot of dish water on it, and it put it out.
3.) At my friend’s house, in the basement. Her mother calls “Girls, get upstairs, there’s a pie!” We got all excited, and scampered upstairs. Turns out it was FIRE, not pie. It put itself out, but the fire dept. came, and this kid I went to high school with is now a fireman. Terribly embarrassing. And I never got my pie.
One must have chaos in oneself to give birth to a dancing star. -Nietzche
Oooooh - my turn:
Sue from El Paso
Experience is what you get when you didn’t get what you wanted.