How young is too young for a funeral?

In My Humble Opinion
21

I can’t put it better than what most have said already.

My first funeral was for my own father, at the age of 12. I didn’t know what to expect, how to act, where to go, what to say. I certainly wasn’t sheltered from death, as I remember my parents talking with us kids about funerals they’d been to. My mother had always painstakingly taught us decorum. It didn’t help much when it came to the actual event.

Unfortunately, I’ve now been to way too many funerals. I took my son as soon as I knew he could handle the situation. I wanted him to see the raw grief of loss, as well as participate in the wake.

22

It’s one of those things that you gotta learn to do sometime. Personally I think those ages are quite old enough to learn how funerals work, how one behaves at them, what they entail, etc. Better that they do it now, I think, while they’re still young enough to have it all explained by you. I’d follow their leads; explain about the open casket and ask if they’d like to go up. If not, okay, if so, that’s fine too; if they lose their nerve, no big deal.

I think it’s important for them to learn about death and how death is dealt with in our society; I also think it’s very important for children to learn how to behave at events like this. You can’t learn that if nobody takes you. If you think the service may be too long, that’s one thing; leave the youngest with somebody else, or just take them to the viewing. But I definately think they should be involved as much as would be appropriate for an adult with the same relationship to the deceased.

I do very much agree that they should go to the wake/visitation/whatever at the home afterwards; I just think they should see “both parts”. “This is where we mourn grandpa’s death, and now we’re going to remember his life and the good times we had with him.” Death is a part of life, and I think you miss the opportunity to say all the things you’d really want to say to them about it if they’re not included in all of the funeral.

23

Personally, I think it has a lot to do with how much the child knew the person - if they were relatively close, and the child were about 10 or older, I think it would appropriate.

I do not think it appropriate, as one of my father’s acquaintances apparantly did, to bring children between the ages of 4 and 8 to the wake or funeral of someone they had never met. There is no good reason for this and lots of reason NOT to. If you want your kids to be exposed to the dead bodies of strangers, please organize a tour of your local mortuary. Thank you. I’m busy over here trying to grieve.

24

I think that if it was someone your children were close to, then it is entirely appropriate. I went to my first funeral when I was 9 or 10, it was for my Great-Grand Aunt who had babysat my sisters and I when we were young.
If your children understand what will be happening, and they were close to your Grandfather, I’d say let them go. I would just be sure to remind them that it’s a very serious thing, so people can say goodbye to someone that they loved very much.

25

Is it possible to allow your children to ‘sit out’ the viewing and procession? If so, I would say let them attend if they want to.

I took my 8 year-old grandson and 4 year-old granddaughter to my mother’s memorial service last summer. I like to think that they benefited from the experience. They got to hear a lot of people saying wonderful things about their Great-Grandmother, and many of my mother’s friends & family got to meet her Great-Grandchildren for the first time.

However, there was no ‘viewing’. In my family, cremation is always chosen. I’ve never seen one of my deceased relatives’ remains, and I couldn’t possibly project how your children might react to that.

It’s your decision, you’re the parent; do what you think is best.

I’m sorry you lost your Grandfather. Take care.

26

The first funeral I remember going to was my grandmother’s when I was seven. I remember not wanting to look at her in the casket… but I’m glad I went, as I was very close to her.

My take? Ask them if they want to go. Get a babysitter if anyone wants to stay home. If anyone wants to go, make sure there’s someone there who can take them home if it gets to be too much for them.

… you mean, a dead person in a casket? I’m confused as to how hearing what a funeral is like would be traumatic to someone who presumably has gathered a general idea of what they are.

27

I wasn’t allowed to attend my grandfather’s funeral when I was 11, and I’ve always regretted that. I was close to him and wanted to say goodbye and felt I was denied that chance.

Talking about this subject with a psychologist once, he said that any child who expresses a desire to attend the funeral of a loved one should be permitted to go.

28

The first funeral I attended was when I was 5. It was all closed-casket, and I don’t really remember a lot of it.

A favorite aunt (great-aunt, really) passed away when I was seven. Again, I went to the funeral. It was open-casket, which my mother only told me when we were pulling up to the funeral home. I had nightmares about it, and nearly cried.

My grandmother passed away this spring. She was very close to most of her family, and had an absolutley excellent relationship with her eldest great-grandchildren, aged 4. I talked to my cousin (their mom) about it. She said that she’d explained that granny had died, and done her best to make sure they understood what that meant. They wanted to go to the funeral. The only time they got fidgety or anything was the service in the synagogue, after the burial, and then they were just tired.

I second “bring them if they want to go, but have a way for them to escape if it gets to be too much.” Don’t force anything on them, especially if they were closed to the deceased.

I’m sorry for your loss.

29

The first event of this type I went to was the death of my great-great grandmother, with whom I was pretty close…just before I turned 6 years old.

I went to the viewing, and it was an open casket. My family didn’t think I understood the concept of death yet, and so hadn’t said much to prepare me for the event. I went up to the casket and grabbed her hand. I knew she was gone, but I had no idea she’d be COLD. I got a little freaked out apparently, they said that I wasn’t acting up, but I wouldn’t stop crying.

The next year when my dad’s father died, they told me about the service, but wouldn’t let me attend, fearing I would freak out again. I know that I only reacted poorly the first time because of the way her hand felt when I touched her. I’ve always regretted that I didn’t get the chance to go to my grandfather’s funeral, and rather resented my family for making that decision for me for a long time. (It probably didn’t help that they let me THINK I was going to the funeral…only my dad never showed up to drive me there.)

If they want to go, let them go. My condolences to you and your family.

30

If a child is old enough to sit still and not run up and down the aisle at the service, I think s/he should go. (Over 3, perhaps, for the service, any age for calling hours.) I’m sorry to hear about the nightares your sibs had, but I wonder if there was something particular that triggered them. (I had some odd dreams after one grandparent’s funeral, but they were not nightmares.)

I agree with the point that kids need to be included in our ritualized farewells. They should not be forced to do anything that bothers them at the time (“Go kiss Nana goodbye! Go! Do it!”), but they should participate in the communal actions of grieving. I think that they will feel the loss more keenly if they are excluded (as some posters, above, have mentioned).

You’ll probably read this too late to change your plans (even if those of us who support their attendance actually change your mind), and I am not trying to make you feel guilty–just offering something to consider if someone else who is close dies while they are still young.

31

First of all, I am sorry for your loss. It is hard when a loved one dies. If your children were at all close to him, then they have lost, too, and need to be allowed to say goodbye.

I live in Japan, and funerals here are open to all ages, and last three days from a wake in the house where the deceased spends their last night at home in the company of their family, to a night in the temple, again with the family but in a coffin, not a futon, and then the cremation the next day, culminating in the skeleton being brought out and the bones broken up with chopsticks and put in the urn by all the family members. There is absolutely no room for misunderstanding that the person is dead and gone, and at the end of the three days everyone is sick of ceremonies and exhausted by grief. In some ways it makes it easier to step back into normal life.

I know that Japan is not America, (where I assume you are) but I think they have some things right that we westerners have not. First of all the dead person is not icky or scary - after all a few hours before they were our living, breathing, much loved relative. Everyone is allowed to mourn, all together, and they see the entire process from beginning to end, so there is really a sense of closure.

When my English grandfather died I arrived at the church to see his coffin there, closed, and I wanted to yell and get them to open it up, because it was all some kind of horrible mistake. It was too much of a stretch to me having seen him a couple of months before, to a box in front of me, and knowing I’d never meet him again. It took a long time to get used to.

When my husband’s grandmother died, we were called the night she died, and flew back to his hometown by the next afternoon. She was already at home in a futon in the living room, and we went in and knelt by her and paid our respects (only looking, not touching.) As the day went on the house filled up, and of course there were great grandchildren who started off solemn but after a few hours were running about and even tripping over her legs at one point. They never showed any sign of being scared of her and they I am sure had never been to a funeral before.

My husband protected me from actually handling the body, because I was newly married (three months!) and had not known her, and was upset at the idea of dead bodies, that not being part of my culture. I spent the three days thinking how awful it was to put the kids through all this, but at the end the little one, who was about four, had stopped asking “But what HAPPENED to great granny??” and started saying “She’s in heaven now, she’s not sick any more, is she?” That began to change my mind.

I know now that when any of my inlaws die I will take part in the ceremonies, and I will handle their bodies, with respect and love because I knew them, and loved them. I won’t ask my kids to if they don’t want to, but they will be there for the entire three days, and they will be allowed to say goodbye, and be in no doubt about what happened to their beloved grandparents.

Which is a long winded way of saying, Take your kids, and let them see, while looking after them, explaining everything, and watching for signs of distress.

Good luck.

32

Like most other people posting in this thread, I attented a number of funerals during childhood because I had a large number of old relatives (many great uncles and aunts). During the first one I remember, I was 5, I believe, maybe 4 (and actually don’t remember much of it, apart going to the church). It didn’t scar me, and I would regret not having attended them.

On the other hand, I was quite familiar with the concept of death since I was living in a very small rural place, mostly populated by old people, and where I knew everybody. It might be more difficult for children who (luckily) have been more sheltered. Also, there are adults who can’t stand funerals, so most certainly a number of children can’t, either.

Personnally, I would simply let the kids decide for themselves. At their ages, they certainly can.

33

[hijack] I thought of that too…![/hijack]
:slight_smile:

34

Thanks for all the advice guys, and also your well wishes. We just finished talking about it as they were headed out for school. First, I should say, the boys were not particularly close to him, this is mostly because my grandfather had done a lot to alieanate himself from the family. However over the last year or so, they had seen more of him than most of their cousins, owing to the fact they we had briefly lived quite close to him. As far as the decision goes, I let them choose themselves, which was kind of anti-climatic. The older two have a school dance that I bought the tickets for last week and had completely forgot about as we arranged the funeral, but the date wasn’t set until Monday anyway. The youngest has decided to attend. Babby-sitting is a non isue if anyone changes their mind, that could happen, today is a minimum day at school for all of them.

35

Sounds like the right choice. I remember my father asking me, and recommending that unless I really really wanted to go, I’d probably best not. I felt comfortable with that, didn’t feel like going but really appreciated having a say in this.

I don’t feel seeing real live dead people, let alone relatives, is necessary to help accept that death is a part of life. At all.

36

I took my then-4-year-old to my father’s funeral. We made sure he understood what was going on (as best as a 4 yo can) beforehand. He was fine. YMMV.

37

One aspect of a funeral/visitation that I didn’t see anyone address.

It’s a chance for kids to see that it’s ok to grieve. Adults get sad at times like these. They can be sad too. One of the things I remember most from attending funerals when I was young is being surprised that my dad or uncle or grandfather was that sad.

38

I went to my first funeral when I was about five. I understood death, and it was a beloved grandfather. I wasn’t disturbed by it in the least (other than the religious aspects, as I was brought up thoroughly non-religious and everything was ‘weird’.)

I skipped my great aunt’s funeral (she had lived with us for years before passing away suffering from painful cancer and alzheimer’s). I dealt with her death in my own way, talking to her for advice (much like people talk to god, I suppose).

My grandmother passed away last weekend and I chose not to go to the funeral. I deal with death in my own way, I suppose, but if I’d hadn’t been to funerals as a small child, I think I would think very differently about them.

39

In my family and in my faith, we take all ages to funerals, unless maybe a baby is so young it might disturb others by crying. Funerals are both sad and happy for us too…not just sad. We grow up very comfortable (if that’s the word) going to funerals, and we are like a very large and very close-knit family, so I’ve probably been to at least 20 funerals, although I’m only 32. Open casket is very common and we don’t make kids look at the body, but they usually choose to, now that I think about it. The last few funerals I’ve been to, after the grave was lowered into the ground, everyone stayed and watched while 15 or so of our ministers shoveled all the dirt back in. You might think that’s weird, but it’s a very touching thing.

40

I was eight and a half when my maternal grandfather died and my mother wouldn’t let me go to the funeral mass, even though I went to mass every Sunday. Even now, over thirty years later, I remember how angry I was that I wasn’t able to go to his funeral.