Peoples is weird – especially young people.
I know, that post of mine wasn’t very helpful, was it? I was kind of wondering the same thing as you, but since I don’t know them, I thought it might be premature to suggest it. I guess I was thinking that Smapti should sit down and try to figure out what he thinks her message might be, rather than just feel hurt. And talk to her about it. I hope I clarified that a little in my next post.
I also agree that they dynamic of the relationship was bound to create a problem sooner or later, but sometimes people have to learn that kind of thing the hard way.
It seems that every time I assume somebody is trying to send me some kind of message with their actions, I’m wrong, and it turns out to be my overactive imagination. I don’t think most people are as crafty and subtle as I give them credit for.
At least consider the possibility that she simply got lost in the moment and didn’t realize how sound carries. In which case you might consider asking for some pointers from this Scott guy. It sounds like he’s doing something right. 
(Sorry, but this is the Pit).
You should still confront her about it (in a friendly manner, obviously). You’re in a lousy situation and something is going to have to change. If you try to pretend it never happened, it’s only going to eat away at you and you’re going to blow it way out of proportion in you’re mind. Nip the problem in the bud while you have a chance – while the both of you can still be civil about it.
Thank you for clearing that up. I thought that it has something to do with those furry critters in the Star Wars movie and I was getting a bit freaked out at where this was all going.
Yeah. They were just shooting the shit.
Ha! That was good.
How DID you know they were doing anal?
“ow!”
“owowowowow!”
Yeah, bad idea putting this in the pit. I’ll stand by you, though, and say that I’ve been through a much similar problem and know the exact feeling. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone and I’m sure you’d be getting some more serious responses if posters had too.
With that being said, you can’t blame Dee. She’s doing nothing wrong. The problem IS with you. And as I’m sure you now know, roommate’s with benefits…WAY BAD FUCKING IDEA. Face it…you’ve got feelings for her…BAD.
Solution…drink. Lots. Maybe you can drown out their sex with the sounds of you praying to the toilet bowl. At the very least you’ll be more worried about puking than what’s going on in the next room. 
As far as the feeling of inadequacy, I don’t buy it and neither should you. New sex is exciting. If she likes this guy and seeks a relationship there’s a good chance she’s acting out to impress him. She’s never done it with you not because you’re bad in bed, but just because she doesn’t HAVE TO. You’re already there.
If she’s telling you what to do in bed and you’re ignoring her that’s your fault, but I don’t think this is the case (or else you probably wouldn’t be getting ANY). Most other shortcomings are her own fucking problem (literally), not yours. You can do your best to help out, but any body or head issues she’s got are ultimately her’s to deal with. Not yours. Don’t beat yourself up over it.
But yeah, BOTTOM LINE…You’ve got SERIOUS feelings for this girl and deep down you know it. Tell her. Sink or swim. If you’re good your good. If you’re not, you get to start moving on that much faster. 
Good luck.
Best laugh today. Thanks.
I’ve been in this situation, but I was “Dee” and my “Scott” is now my husband. My FWB was Luke, I’d moved in with him a couple of years previously, and the fucking evolved out of mutual need. Though (I thought) I’d made it painfully clear to Luke that we were non-exclusive and when I found a guy I actually wanted a relationship with it would stop, he pretty much did what you’re doing. And I moved out.
You said you’re okay with her seeing other guys, but in reality it’s not so clear cut. You’re only okay with it when you can’t see it, and for that reason moving in with her (and her offering for you to move in) was really not the greatest idea. She’s laid out quite clearly that she is seeing other men and won’t stop just for you. If you don’t like that, it’s on you to leave seeing as it’s her house.
Was it tacky to indulge in loud sex in the room right next to yours? Sure. But sometimes when you’re in the throes of passion (especially if it was alcohol-assisted) you’re not aware of a) How loud you are and b) how thin the walls may be.
You’ve got to sack up and make your decision. Either you want exclusivity and to be in a relationship - so you tell her and let the cards fall where they may. Or you think you still want FWB status, but can’t deal with it when she fucks other guys, so you move out. If you choose that path, I’d suggest you stop fucking her because it’s only going to drive you nuts to think about her being with the other guys, but that’s a decision only you can make.
And the next time it happens you should beat the shit out of the neighbor’s Ferrari while shouting “This is what happens when you fuck a stranger in the ass!”
It’s the only way to be sure.
Duuuuuuuuuuuuude! That’s harsh! 
Dude, this is what I am hearing in your OP. I woman I only want to fuck and rent a room from had sex with someone she barely knows. I could hear the loud and repetitive sex acts all through the night. I am hurt because the woman that I want as a friend I can have sex with chose to have sex with someone other than me. A woman who allowed me to rent a room from her was being disrespectful to me by showing her appreciation of a new lovers techniques. Now I doubt my abilities as a lover and need to know if this was intentional on her part.
Is that summery close?
Good.
Let me offer this input. Remember the first time with someone new. You know you try all those things that get her off and you act like whatever she is doing is better than anything found in the Karma Sutra. You might even try new things. You act like she is the perfect lover for you. That is if there is any chance of going back for seconds. If not, you may treat her like a two dollar whore and leave before the night is through.
Walls are thin. I once spent the night at a Holiday Inn listening to the guy in the next room quite loudly receive oral sex. This was also followed by the headboard banging associated with other sex acts. I knew him and his guest no better than I was walking into my room at the same time he was walking out. Did I care about it anymore than the, “Crap, hurry up and get your nut so I can sleep”? Not really. I thought about calling the front desk but hoped that no one would ever do that to me.
What that brings me to is this. You have feelings for her more than she is a fuckable roommate.
Also, I don’t know why you would doubt your skills as her lover. It is my understanding that FWB’s are there as a stand-in until something good comes along. The longer that goes on, the less you have to put into it (No pun intended) because you are just fucking for the sake of relieving the tension until you can find someone you desire.
If this sounds like you, your options are:
Move out and move on
Move out and try to get a relationship with her
Stay and grow up
Stay and get pissed whenever she has sex with someone else and you didn’t bring someone home.
SSG Schwartz
Or buy noise cancelling headphones!
Sorry you have to go through this. It sounds pretty rough.
My advice:
In the short run keep busy doing stuff that’s in your long-term best interest.
First reasonable chance you get approach her and say something like: Can we talk about what happened here? Listen to her point of view. Tell her your thoughts and feelings. Play it by ear. Try not to be punitive or critical. Treat her as a teammate in resolving the conflict. Don’t expect to resolve everything in the first conversation.
Sorry if that’s too vague, but a lot of what you say in the middle of the conversation depends on what she says in the beginning. GL
I agree with everybody that getting into this situation (moving in with the FWB) was a bad idea. Maintaining a relationship like that either requires a lack of jealousy that few humans are capable of or a level of denial that living together just won’t allow.
But IMO, when you have roommates and limited space it’s extremely rude to have loud and prolonged sex when you know they’re around. It’s true whether you’re just roommates or R-W-Bs. Then again, I often feel like I’m the only person left in the world who believes in discretion when it comes to such things.
Did they make a movie about you? Because I’m pretty sure I saw it on Skinamax the other night. Their solution was, an incredibly hot woman from Antigua dropped by and all four of them had sex and then they were all pretty mellow about everything.
Things rarely work out in life the way they do in the movies, though.
Oh, and the way you can tell anal sex from the other kind, the woman starts out shouting “Wrong hole!” in a really loud and angry voice which grows progressively quieter until she just makes this disgusted sound and gives up.
UPDATE: I talked to Dee about it just now. She already knew what I wanted to talk about when I got home and was prepared. Here’s what she told me;
She’s having a lot of emotional trauma in her life right now unrelated to me. When she met Scott at the BBQ last night it was like “meeting herself in a male body” and after they’d gotten drunk, things “just happened”. She couldn’t tell him about her relationship with me (for whatever reasons). He’s leaving town tomorrow, and she won’t be seeing him again tonight. She said she hasn’t seen any other guys in the time we’ve been seeing each other.
Per Eureka’s advice, I didn’t mention anything specific about what I heard. I DID mention that I could hear her quite clearly throughout the house, and that the radio she turned on to cover the sound didn’t work at all. She was very embarassed about that.
In the end, she apologized for hurting my feelings and told me she doesn’t want to lose me as a friend, benefits or otherwise. We kissed and promised to have a lengthier talk tomorrow about the nature of our relationship.
How do I feel? Better, I guess. I’m satisfied that she apologized for hurting me and that i’m not going to lose her over this. As for the rest, i’m going to have to talk to her about it tomorrow.
(As for the “how did I know it was anal?” question, I specifically overheard comments about needing to lube up and whether her being on top would help get it in. I’m going to try not to dwell on that, though.)