You obviously weren’t an urban gay guy in the '70s-early '80s. I can’t say I’ve “slept with” a lot of men, but I certainly had sex with a lot. It’s certainly thrilling to be with someone who’s uber-hot, but that doesn’t last long. You find yourself fantasizing that he’s as wonderful on the inside as he is on the outside, and before long you’re not relating to him in any real sense. With a guy who’s a little less hot, you tend to be a little more anchored.
Of course there are exceptions, like my husband. Not only is he drop-dead gorgeous, but also freakishly tall and . . . well-equipped. But none of that was what initially attracted me. I first noticed a strength and perceptiveness in his eyes, and a cat-like grace to his movement. The fact that he’s gorgeous immediately became pretty much of an afterthought. The only real difference that makes is in the way other people treat him . . . which used to be a problem for me, but I’ve learned to accept it. What took me longer to accept was his feelings for me, what he saw in me. But time took care of that as well.
And how is he in bed? Well, I married him, didn’t I? :):)
“. . . in every Animal that walks upright, the Deficiency of the Fluids that fill the Muscles appears first in the highest Part: The Face first grows lank and wrinkled; then the Neck; then the Breast and Arms; the lower Parts continuing to the last as plump as ever: So that covering all above with a Basket, and regarding only what is below the Girdle, it is impossible of two Women to know an old from a young one. And as in the dark all Cats are grey, the Pleasure of corporal Enjoyment with an old Woman is at least equal, and frequently superior, every Knack being by Practice capable of Improvement.”
— Ben Franklin
Being with someone you find attractive is going to help - whether other people consider them attractive or not doesn’t really matter. But it will help only so long as there are no hangups or idiocy involved.
The meaningful answer is…“there’s just too many variables.” Just like you said.
For me, if a guy is just plain unattractive to me, forget it. After that, well, hotter is generally good, but the other variables become more important.
I do Steve Buscemi in a heartbeat. Hugh Jackman, meh. To me charisma is more attractive than a bundle of muscles. It sort of connected to the question - I need a connection to a person and something about them that turns me on. If you’re not turned on by someone you’re going to struggle. However, I don’t need to them to be “conventionally attractive” for that to happen.
You start interacting with someone and if there’s chemistry you start reading what they’re feeling, what they’re thinking, in their face. (You do that even if sometimes you’re wrong ). And you get more and more enticed by them—they may have looked “normal” (typical) but then they look cute and after awhile they look hot and delicious not to mention oh so precious and you just have to have them.
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[li]All else being equal, is sex enhanced by partner attractiveness?[/li][li]On average, does all else tend to be equal?[/li][/ol]
I would think the answer to the first question is obviously “yes”. Sexual pleasure is in the mind (the first sentence of the OP misses this point).
There was at least one study done that basically said that the better looking you are, the better in bed you’ll likely be due to having more opportunities to practice. Having said that, my baseline was always how they moved on the dance floor. You can tell a whole lot about how someone will be in bed based on how they perform on the dance floor… And apparently funny counts, too.
If I were to make a list and rank them, it would actually be an inverse correlation. The more conventionally attractive the guy, the worse the sex. The less conventionally attractive, the better the sex. I’ve dated two literal underwear models, and both of them were very boring, selfish lovers.
My husband is the least conventionally attractive guy I’ve been with, and the best lover.
I must totally disagree on the first one, while it is indicative, it is not a tell-all. My SO hates dancing and would love to never dance again…but he’s completely different in bed.
He is funny as hell, though. I’ve always said if a guy can make a woman laugh, she’s halfway into bed with him already. Hell, on days when they are in fine form I’d probably sleep with my favorite comics and they are mostly not good-looking at all (Jimmy Carr, Bill Burr, Lewis Black).
Just once in my life I wouldn’t mind trying a James Bond type, however. You know. For science.
In my experience, though, I’m not going to end up in bed with someone in the first place unless I’m attracted to her in some way. I once dated a lady who was not necessarily conventionally hot, but we just clicked, in and out of bed, and the sex was incredible. “Attractiveness” in this case was sort of a self-feeding loop.
Bottom line, I think it’s important to be attracted to your sexual partner(s), but the term is highly subjective.
