Kick them out at age 18! The question is how do you get them to leave and stay gone? Okay, so I’m making it sound worse than it is. Out of 5 children only one left home and never came back to live. The others came back home and stayed for several months at least twice each and this is after college. I heard a discussion on the radio, about how many men over the age of 30 are going back home to live.
Kicking a child out at 18 should only be done in extreme cases (as posted above) and 30 year olds shouldn’t return to live at home for any except extreme circumstances.
She never said he couldn’t express himself. She just said he couldn’t do it in a certain manner and still expect to live in her house. That is her right as it IS her house and he was aware of the rules and broke them. She even let him make amends somehow and he refused.
I’m sorry, but you won’t round up any contempt for nuthinboutnuthin from me, although you may garner a little for yourself. No surprise you were “chomping at the bit”.
Yea his parents sure do cater to him huh. If by cater you mean the parents think they own his body.
Look at it this way. He wanted to express himself, which you would not let him do. Then when he finally does express himself, you reject him.
What a great life lesson.
You are right, not everyone else on the planet would do that too him, just his controlling parents.
I think Lorinada has a very reasonable plan for her son to live at home. Nothing wrong with expecting him to do chores and stay in school. Although it seems he’s going to school, and works a part-time job already, why would you want to have him get another job? Maybe I missed something.
It’s good to set reasonable rules for responsibility, such as Lorinada. But when self expression is denied because ‘you think it looks ugly’… it will teach the kid nothing in the long run.
Doesn’t seem strange to me at all. To me it seems dumb to move out as soon as possible. I am quite content with living with my parents at the age of 18. For me it is the easiest arrangement. I attend a local college and it is cheaper to live with my parents. With them footing all my living costs, I can afford college without having to take out students loans. I also have a little free money left over. The fact is I could never understand people around my age desiring to move away from their parents. Get your future solidified before you make life harder for yourself.
Of course I have always had a great relationship with my parents. My dad bought me a dirtbike when I was twelve and we have gone to the races and spent a lot more time doing things together then other fathers and sons. My parents and I have also had a whole lot of trust which makes things easier. If I go to a party or camping they don’t worry about me, because they know I don’t drink. I can’t remember a time being mad enough at my parents that I wanted to move out.
I got kicked out on my 18th birthday (which was in the middle of my final exams incidently). Many of you seem keen to blame the kids involved, but I was a model student, NEVER stole from my parents (lent them money in fact), but my dad left home when he was 15 and he didn’t want me living there through uni. It was a terrible time for me and I nearly didn’t make it to uni because I didn’t have enough money or a place to live.
I think people gain independence when they know they have a back-up support, people to turn to, not when they know they are alone and have to struggle to cope.
when i was living in hungary for a little while, almost everyone there were amazed that young adults didn’t stay with their family until they got married. (not only the young teenagers that i taught, but young 20somethings as well) i think it is cultural because hungary is very family oriented. it could also economical because it is not a rich country. of course, in budapest there may be more young people out on their own. in the other cities and towns, it seemed people were more traditional, especially the more out to the countrysides you got.
living in taiwan a bit now, i’ve heard amazement too, that young people move out on their own instead of staying with their family until married. there are of course taiwanese that move out on their own or go abroad or what not, but for the most part it seems people are amazed that american young people are so independent so early. chinese culture is also very family oriented, and they like saving money too.
(not to say americans aren’t family oriented or anything, just it seems that in america it is more common for the young adult and/or parents to really want the young adult to be self-sufficient, independent, those sorts of things)
One of my customers told me that she was allowing a friend of her son’s to come live with them until he left for college because the boy’s mother had kicked him out on his eighteenth birthday…in February of his senior year of high school…because her boyfriend was moving in with her and didn’t want the kid around the house. He was an honor student, and his mom had given him no warning that this was going to occur. He was faced with getting a full-time job to support himself, while going to high school and maintaining his grades. By letting him move in with her family, he was able to graduate, and will be leaving for college next month. So yes, it does happen to good kids too.
If the family didn’t work out too well, usually 18 years/ the end of high school feels like the right time for a change to the parties involved.
The OP sounds like he shares his family’s values. That’s all fine and good, but when you don’t, I think it’s better to part ways. Not all families are functional.
Would it have been good to live at home during college? Yes, but not at my home!
In an ideal situation a family is a lifelong partnership, but in some cases (and the US hit a rough patch around the 1970’s) the family of origin just doesn’t work out. I’m not really advocating kicking the kids out, although for me and most of my friends it seemed absurd to stay. It’s just that staying makes a whole lot more sense when your family is a source of support, not a drain and a source of stress.
Sometimes by the time the kid is 18 the parents are sick of their bullshit and want them out. You show me a case of good kids getting booted out at 18.
I booted one of my kids out when he was 16. He had to go live in a homeless shelter for a month. Not fun for a white upper middle class spoiled brat. After a month of not being allowed to come home it sunk into his head that doing drugs, failing school, stealing, and being vulgarly disrespectful were not going to happen here without consequences.
He just turned 18 and he’s been smart enough to stay on the straight and narrow and keep his mouth shut. He can stay here as long as he does that.
In our family, the kids are welcome to live at home as long as they are in school on a full time basis - which could extend all the way through their Masters degree as far as we’re concerned! If they choose to leave school, they have six months to work and save as much money as possible because at the end of that six months - they are out of here!
So far, we’ve had one move onto college campus at 17 years of age and not return home (it should be explained she was a foster daughter who joined us at 15 years old - she’d been ready to be on her own for quite some time). The next married at 19 and moved in with her husband. The third was attended college and lived at home until 20, when she moved out for two months before returning home. Shortly thereafter, she made the decision to join the Air Force and is doing very well. We have two left at home, almost 11 and 12 years old. The same offer stands with them.
One difference our family has that I haven’t seen represented here is that we require our children to get part time jobs at age 16, working a minimum of 15 hours per week. We want them to learn the value of a dollar, to contribute to their driving expenses and to experience minimum wage jobs in the hopes that they will learn early that a higher education is vital unless they want to stuff tacos for the rest of their lives.
We also have a no multiple piercing nor visable tattoo policy. This is our home, we set the standard, we pay the mortgage, and we decide what we will and won’t tolerate. So far, all of our children have respected our wishes. Our married daughter got a tattoo - we admired it and thanked her for waiting until she moved out. The one who moved out briefly got a belly ring while she was on her own. We thanked her for waiting until she moved out. When she moved back home we never had to mention it because she respected our wishes enough to remove it without our asking.
Mr. Adoptamom and I were both very independent in our teen years and neither of us waited until we were 18 to move out of our parents homes.
BTW Indygrrl, our children are perfectly able to “express themselves” within acceptable boundaries while under our roof. When they pay for their own roof they can continue to express themselves in whatever they manner they choose outside of our boundaries. IMHO, tattoos and piercings are a pretty poor choice for self expression when you’re not of age to appreciate the longterm consequences of permanent choices.
In my (Australian) state at least, the overwhelming majority of kids at university live at home. There are five universities in my (smallish) city, so very few of us travel interstate to get a tertiary education. The university experience is treated more as an extension of high school: kids living with their parents and commuting daily to a local university.
'Course many kids move out of home before they finish their degrees, but no more than 50% I’d say. No-one I know has been forced to leave home by their parents; it’s generally accepted that kids can stay as long as they continue their education.
Some of us do it because we can’t afford to move out. If I could-trust me, I would.
(It’s not my parents, I’m clinging to though, it’s the cats. I’d miss my cats-and they’re too attached to this house and each other to take my two with me and leave the other three behind).
Adoptamom_II Piercings don’t have long term consequences. Depending on your skin type, (I think it still matters, maybe not) you can get tattoos removed.
Why so many parents are so scared of thier kids getting tattoo’s and piercings is beyond me… You were all doing the same crap when you were that age.
I had one friend who was kicked out of his house on the eve of our high school graduation (about a month after his eighteenth birthday) and it was extremely difficult for him. He was a good kid, but his father apparently felt that since the state no longer required him to support his kid once he was eighteen and a high school graduate, he no longer would! This was not the norm in our community…most of us at least got to hang around home for the summer, leave for college in the fall, come back for breaks, etc. This kid got nothing. No tuition, no place to live, nothing.
I think that it’s extremely difficult to completely support yourself at 18, and any parent who makes this their rule has a bit of a cruel streak to them at the very least. I know that it was pretty hard on my friend. He got a full-time job and an old '68 Ford pickup, and was going to live with his mother and her boyfriend. Well, that must not have worked out, and therefore I lost touch with him. I caught up with him a few years later, and found out that he struggled quite a bit during those months–drifting between staying with friends and sleeping in his car or his workplace!
Sure, it worked out for him…eventually. In the meantime, however, he was freaking HOMELESS. Way to go, Dad! I’m with the OP…I don’t get it, either.
I was chomping at the bit to leave home after I graduated high school as well, of course as I mentioned in the other thread, my stepfather and I really didn’t get along, so it was for the best. I went home a couple of months later to visit and my room had already been converted into a storage closet. Knew then and there I really was on my own.
I know that the way alot of families do things here (U.S) seems strange to other cultures, but the way other cultures do things is strange to me. I knew a girl in the dorms at school who was Japanese who traveled 3 hours each way home every weekend to clean her parents house. WTF? She didn’t even live there, and her parents were not disabled in any way!
My point is, different cultures do things in different ways. My parents wanted me to live in the dorms (my school was a 40 minute drive from home) because they wanted me to have that experience. I’m so glad I did it, it’s something I’ll never forget. My whole college experience wouldn’t have been the same if I’d stayed at home. It’s not for everyone, but I do think living away from home for the first time adds a lot to the college experience. It’s just not the same for someone still living with their parents.
As far as paying for school goes. I think it’s up to the parents, the children aren’t entitled to a free education. My biological father paid my tuiton for the first year, which was great, then dissapeared. I was then forced to figure out how to scrape up enough money for the next semesters tuiton or drop out. I got another job. I paid my tuiton for the rest of my time in school. Taught me how to fend for myself and that mommy and daddy weren’t always going to be there for me when I needed them. I don’t see anything wrong with parents who don’t pay for their children’s college. There is a special kind of satisfaction in knowing that you put yourself through school, I was able to hold my head up that much higher at graduation. My mother was that much prouder of me, as well.
If your parents are going to pay for your entire education, more power to ya. All I’m saying is that you’re not entitled to it, and if your parents choose to make you pay for your own education, it doesn’t make them terrible people or bad parents. Sometimes people try to get their children to learn life lessons in different ways.
I think it’s more a matter of respect. The kid is living in the parent’s house. The parent’s are paying the bills and buying the food. They put down rules, if the kid can’t follow them, then he/she can get their punk asses out of the house and live in the real world for awhile. It doesn’t matter if the rule is “no tatoos” or “no Mickey Mouse posters”, the point is, they’re rules that need to be followed out of respect for the people supporting you.
Some people like their parents and home life enough that they don’t want to leave immediaty. That and/or they don’t have the finanical resources to immediatly move out.
It doesn’t matter. Their home, their rules. You don’t like the rules, you can always leave and go to a place where the rules are to your liking.
I don’t care about the tatoo issue at all. It could be anything, but the result remains the same. Either swallow your pride and follow the rules or leave and go live where it doesn’t bother the landlords.
