Moms, when did you fall in love with your child/ren?

In My Humble Opinion
21

I felt no connection to our daughter when she was in the womb. I felt responsibility, but no bond or connection. So, put bluntly, while after I heard her heartbeat I wouldn’t have been able to make the choice to end that life myself – but I regularly tested myself to see how I’d feel if she didn’t survive the pregnancy – and discovered with some dismay that it wouldn’t have bothered me all that much. I didn’t connect to her as a person.

When she was born, something clicked. “Oh, THAT’s who was in there,” I said aloud, watching her while the high risk team looked her over. I was infatuated from that moment on.

Judging from the variety of accounts in this thread, there is no right way to feel about your child that makes you a good enough mother. But your behaviour, and maybe even your worry about being a good enough mother, is transforming you into one.

22

I don’t know what I can add to the great advice / empathy you’ve already received.

My daughter is almost 7 months old and spent the first 2 1/2 weeks of her life in the hospital. I loved her but didn’t feel a “bond” because I wasn’t her primary caregiver - a dozen nurses were.

When we brought her home, I struggled with nursing, pumping whenever I could, and just getting time to eat, go to the bathroom and have the odd shower seemed like huge challenges. Again, although I felt the love, and was so proud of her, I couldn’t pin down when reality set in and I actually felt like a “mom”.

Since you have a history of depression, I also encourage you to see your doctor, for your own sake, not just your baby’s. There is no shame in having the “baby blues” or true post-partum depression, but I believe you will feel better if you have someone professional to talk to about how you’re feeling.

And get a pump!!! Rent one if you have to! It will free you up a bit, and it will give your husband a chance to feed the babe. It also might ward off any feelings of resentment, of being “tied” to this newborn. My pump is a hospital-grade rental and it is the best $60 / month I have EVER spent!

Good luck and take care of yourself …

23

This is one of those things that surely varies with the birth experience, your physical and mental health at the time, and so on.

With my son (first child), I felt the connection immediately. I had an easy birth with him – 7 hours of easy labor. When they handed him to me, I said out loud, “Wow. For the first time I believe in love at first sight.” And I meant it. And, in the weeks right after his birth I had leisure to cement the bond – we were staying with my parents at the time and my mother was a huge help and, because it was such an easy birth I recovered my health right away.

My daughter was completely different. She was 3 months premature, very sick and in the hospital 7 weeks. My physical health was bad (classic c-section and blood transfusion) and my mental state was worse – I was worried about her health, which was precarious. I was worried about my son, who was not yet a year old and who I was separated from half the day while I was at the hospital. I was missing my husband (the baby was born while we were on vacation at his parent’s house and he had to go back to work in another state while she was still in the hospital), and feeling kind of uncomfortable at his parent’s house (this was only the second time we’d ever visited them, and I ended up living with them the whole time she was in the hospital). I felt guilty about not being able to nurse her and the La Leche League gave me a hard time about that and made me feel worse. And we knew she had brain damage from the prematurity, but nobody could tell us for sure how it would manifest.

Even after we took her home, I didn’t have the totally joyous connection with her that I had had with my son because so much worry and concern was still there clouding things. I don’t think I really connected-connected with her until after she was diagnosed with CP at 8 months. Once that other shoe dropped, I was able to move forward and stated to feel that she really belonged to me and was going to stick around…

So I second those who say to take care of your baby’s needs and don’t worry so much about ‘bonding.’ That will come. Take care of him, play with him, talk to him, and kiss and cuddle him – he won’t know or care how you’re feeling. And I’ll bet the feelings will come in their own time.

One thing, though – do tell your doctor how you’re feeling. Just in case there is some post-partum depression going on.

24

Thanks, everybody. I know on an intellectual level that I’m not the only person who’s ever needed time to adjust to being a mom, but sometimes my emotions get the best of me. I am talking to my husband, and he’s very supportive and understands how I feel, because he doesn’t feel like a Dad yet, either. I guess I just needed to hear from other random anonymous people that it’s OK.

The reason I haven’t rushed to call my GP or OB is because I’m already on anti-depressants and have dealt with my “bad days” for years now. I have considered a change in medications, but didn’t want to change anything while I was pregnant. Counseling is something that Hubby and I have talked about for a long time (just for me), but it’s never really materialized. Something always comes up financially that keeps me from calling for a recommendation. Now, with me not working, there’s less money than before Spencer was born, so I don’t really see that happening any time soon. Vicious cycle, eh?

25

I know that in my town there are many “parent support groups” - some which focus on the difficulties of being a mom, and some which are purely for fun. They are free to attend.

Perhaps your local health unit could provide you with some information? I remember seeing posters and brochures at my ob/gyn’s office, the maternity ward, and at the health unit when I took my daughter for her shots.

Maybe there is even a “crisis” line in your area that you could call for some support / advice / a listening ear?

Being a mom is HARD and I’ve actually found it very isolating - especially at the beginning - I was afraid of taking her out by myself - worried about the cold weather, putting the car seat in the car incorrectly - etc etc. Try to keep in touch with friends and family and accept any offers of help!

And SERIOUSLY in your shoes I would work on finding a breast pump. If money is an issue, I have a second-hand one from eBay that I have never used - it’s an Avent manual pump. Let me know - I’d be happy to pass it on! Being able to have others help you feed your baby gives you a break and takes some of the responsibility off your shoulders.

26

Will you be going back to work? My attitude towards motherhood improved greatly when I went back to work. My attitude towards work did too. YMMV, obviously.

27

With my oldest daughter I think I fell in love while she was still in the womb. I didn’t even really want to give birth; just wanted to keep her all to myself. The moment I saw her I felt that maternal bond. Pretty surprising to me since I was very young and in the middle of some bad circumstances, but I saw her as some sort of hope, and she was the most beautiful creature in the world.

Sixteen years later I got pregnant again. This time I was miserable and in a way resented the baby. I know it wasn’t the baby’s fault, but that didn’t stop those thoughts from creeping in. I had to quit a job I loved; my oldest was really having a hard time with the idea of sharing me…other stuff too but it’s boring for others. lol

When she was born I didn’t feel it and I was so ashamed to say anything. When we came home from the hospital Mig ran out to get some dinner and I was alone with Bella for the first time. I sat there and cried my eyes out because I realized I really, really did not want to be in this situation. Later that night I realized I had no choice (I mean, I guess I could have put her up for adoption…but it would never happen with me) so I resigned myself to it.

Don’t get me wrong. I am an good mom; a GREAT mom if you ask my oldest daughter. I put everything into being a parent. Maybe that was the problem; I knew how exhausting it would all be and I was already broke down tired. And the baby was so hyper right from the day she was born. She never slept, she didn’t care for nursing, she wanted to be bounced in just a certain way all the bloody freakin time. And I had no help with her. My oldest was resentful, my SO worked 70 hours a week and got cranky when he started missing sleep. I had no breaks, no time away to look forward to seeing her again.

I don’t think there was EVER a bright shining moment where I finally fell in love with Bella. It just got easier. She grew on me. I’d say around eight months when she started taking her first steps I felt a swelling of love for her and it just keeps getting stronger. She’s almost seventeen months now and she’s muh boo. I can’t imagine life without her really. Since we’re together 24/7 we know each other so well it’s like she’s just an extension of me.

I think for some of us it does take time and we’re bombarded with all these images and stories about women who just fell in love right away that we’re just too embarrassed to speak up, like we think maybe people will see us as bad parents.

All I can offer is “Give it time”. In a few weeks maybe you can start pumping (although I never could get more than an ounce or two so I supplemented formula for a while…she nurses like a champ NOW that I’m ready to wean!). And don’t feel guilty if that “magic moment” never comes. One day you’ll more than likely realize, maybe slowly or maybe it WILL hit you fast and hard. Just don’t feel bad that it wasn’t right away.

It’s great that you can talk to your SO about all this though! I was too ashamed because Mig was just absolutely madly in love from the very beginning. I didn’t want him to worry about me or look at me like I wasn’t a good mommy.

28

One thing you mentioned – you said

Actually no, it’s not. I’d forgotten about this completely.

When my twins were infants, it really hit me that loving them was a huge risk. I didn’t want them to someday hate me the way I’d hated my Mother. I felt like everybody grows up to hate their mothers & blame them for their ills & I sure as heck didn’t want that thankless job. I was terrified to dive in.

It’s another step in the differentiation process, to realize we aren’t our mothers & won’t make their mistakes. Of course, we’ll make OTHER mistakes, but they’re ours.

You may also find yourself forgiving your Mother for a lot of her mistakes, and you might form a new relationship with her. It often (but not always) happens.

29

I thought I fell in love with my daughter while I was pregnant. Even in utero, the child had personality. When she was born, I felt like I already knew her. But even that didn’t prepare me for the fierce love I felt when I held her. It was like what I *thought * I would feel, blown up to gargantuan, world-consuming proportions.

That’s not to say that I never was overwhelmed, or that I never felt like a bad mom. There were a lot of moments, especially during the first month, when I felt like the best thing I could do for her would be to give her to any random stranger, since clearly anyone else on earth was more qualified for this “parenting” thing than I was.

Babies are hard. They’re little black holes of need, and most of them *don’t * have any notable personality, and almost every parent feels emotionally disconnected from them at some point. After all, you’re likely to be exhausted, and it’s not as though it’s a reciprocal relationship. And then on top of that you feel guilty and inadequate for not being as blissed out as the baby shampoo commercials led you to believe you’d be. New motherhood can be a really difficult and, like **Stainz ** said, emotionally isolating experience.

But it gets better, I promise.

30

I really wanted to be a father and I had a rough idea of what was involved because I have a much younger sibling.

I don’t like newborns much. They don’t do much and they are super-demanding and the consequences can be really bad if you don’t do things roughly correct. It is like a sick joke from nature. Give brand new parents their children at the hardest stage it may ever be. Other things aren’t like that.

I don’t think I really bonded with my daughter until she was about 6 months old and I really appreciated it when she started walking. She is three now and I will take that over any previous age.

We have a new daughter on the way and I am not looking forward to that first year at all.

31

**Shagnasty ** - I have heard others say how much they really did not enjoy the first 6 months of their baby’s life.

I know it’s not a rare feeling, but when one hasn’t felt that way, it’s really hard to relate to - I already miss my “newborn”.

To say that “the consequences can be really bad if you don’t do things roughly correctly” struck me as odd. I thought it was actually pretty hard to screw up … I mean you have to support their neck while they’re wobbly, change their diapers lots, feed them, and cuddle them lots. Easy-peasy! :slight_smile:

32

My sentiments exactly. I knew that I somewhat loved that child when I was pregnant, but it was more the love of what I wanted her to be, not real love for her. I had tried to get pregnant for a long time and time was running out (I was 34).

When we came back home with her we weren’t as bad as I had expected. Caring for a newborn is extremelly exhausting but not all that difficult. We had no time for bonding in between the changing of diapers, failing badly at breastfeeding, not sleeping a lot at night, and all those fun things that newborns do. Once she passed that stage I started seeing her as the person she is and I fell in love with her. That is what it is falling in love, like when you meet someone and you like them, but then you find out he enjoys the same movies as you, and you notice how nice his hands are and how he has dimples when he smiles. I can say that I love my daughter more every day. I cannot envision life without her and love the person she is becoming.

Talk to your doctor, but there’s a big chance that you are just exhausted and scared, just like we all were. Don’t worry, one day your child will smile and you’ll feel like a million dolars.

33

Sounds pretty right to me, actually. Not counter-intuitive at all. Fear is a very powerful and very negative emotion.

Look what happened to my SIL, for example. She’s a worrier and a doctor; bad combo. She’s spent a lot of the last 15 months angry. First she was angry that she was gaining weight even though she was on a diet; then she was angry that she hadn’t realized she might be pregnant; then she was angry there were so many ways she could lose the baby or the baby could be sick at birth; then she was angry it was a boy; then she was angry that he didn’t “only” kick but kick, elbow, ram, twist, turn, etc; then she was angry he had an enlarged kidney and she’d already gone through 8 months of pregnancy and now he might have something real bad; then she was angry that the specialist said it was actually something very minor and wanted to send her home; then she was exhausted from the delivery and tried to get angry that they were giving her the information in normal-patient-speak instead of doctor-speak but she was too tired to get real angry; then she was exhausted for something like the first 3 months until Baby finally figured out the difference between night and day, and got angry at herself for being exhausted and not keeping a spotless house…

Your own “negative state” is fear+depression, not fear+anger, but well.

Baby’s 6 months old now and I’m not still quite sure she “knows” him; she’s always surprised that everybody in my side of the family (including the Uncle-who-has-definitely-not-bonded-with-Baby) figures out things about the kid faster than she does, but heck, we have it easy:

one, we’re not worried we’re going to screw things up by letting him suck on our fingers, in order to check if the reason he’s unusually grumpy is that he’s teething (yes he was)

two, his developmental “marks” so far are going pretty much along the same lines as ours. SIL’s mom has already figured out that when the baby seems to be doing something that nobody in SIL’s family was doing at that age, “it’s time to ask the other grandmom, maybe it’s another of those things in which he takes after his father”.

So, I’m not really sure she knows him-as-an-individual that well (we’re talking about a woman who didn’t learn my bro likes action movies until they’d been dating for 6 years), but yeah, she’s already forgiven him for not being a her :smiley:

34

Avarie, dear, give it some time. Right now you’re in the peak season for post-partum depression. Not saying you have it, but you are a hormonal mess at the moment, and that will get in the way big time.

Being a dad and not a mom, it took me about 15 seconds after I first saw him. He graduates from Warren Central HS on the 24th…

35

I can’t say I particulary enjoyed the new baby stage with either kid. I did fall in love with the first kid immediately, but the second kid may have taken as long as a year.

Also, with the second kid, I was sure that he was ugly but that I couldn’t tell because I was his mom. Whenever other people would look at him, I would be secretly checking out their expressions to see if they were making an ‘oh, my god’ face and trying to be polite. Looking back, I certainly had some kind of PPD with that one. Plus, he was an extremely difficult baby- very stressful.

I do want to add that he is 8 now and a wonderful (and handsome!) kid! Both of them are treasures!

36

With all three of my kids, I felt mega-protective from the first time I felt them move inside of me, and thought I’d have to kill anyone who tried to hurt them. But I don’t think that’s the same thing as really loving them. With my youngest, who is six, (and considerably younger than her sisters), I remember the exact moment I “fell in love” with her. I had just gotten her up from her nap, and was carrying her gently down the steps, and she reached her little head up, opened her mouth wide, and gave me a big, slobbery kiss, right on my cheek. Of course, the “kiss” consisted of nothing more than placing her open mouth on my cheek and then removing it, but I knew it was a kiss. Instant love. She was four months old.

As far as the issue of not wanting to be like your mother, boy can I relate! My mother was the psycho bitch from hell, and it took a lot of years and a lot of counseling to get over it. But she sure did teach me a lot about how not to be a mother, and I’ve always put those lessons into practice. I think I’m a pretty darned good mom, but being a good mom doesn’t just happen, it takes work. Sounds to me like you’re working at it. I think you’ll be just fine.

37

HA!

Good thing new parents never worry about their parenting skills, right Stainz?

Love you, sweetie! Lots and lots of smiley faces, OK?

(But I’m glad you’re feeling more confident as a mom.)

:smiley:

38

Hee hee - you are a brat!

I remember worrying about meeting all of her mental and emotional and developmentl needs, but the “physical” caretaking part of it wasn’t nearly as scary as I thought it would be. I guess that is what I meant by it being “pretty hard to screw up”.

:slight_smile:

“feeling more confident as a mom”? Hardly! Just more confident about taking care of a newborn. Now that she is almost 7 months old, I have a whole brand new set of worries! When will she roll over, when will she crawl, is the Infant Development lady right that she has extension problems, blah blah blah.