My boyfriend cheated on me..... I need advice

In My Humble Opinion
41

Apologies all around, and especially to rostfrei. I know better, but my biases snuck into position unnoticed by me at the time I posted.

I guess I found myself thinking “Well, they make this promise because they think that’s how it’s done, without questioning whether the exclusivity-thing is for them or not, and now there’s all this feeling of betrayal and pain and it’s all so silly”.

That’s unfair, and I’m sorry. Regardless of why you folks made this promise, you did so, and people shouldn’t make promises they dont intend to keep, and once having made them should not break them lightly.

42

If he cheated on you, forget him - forever. No hedging, no gray areas, no excuses, no compromise. If he cheated on you for a man, double forget him. It is ok to “love him”, you can love lots of people, but just dont get involved with him.

43

GEEZ, I’M SO SORRY. I misread your post. I thought you were a girl. Sorry sorry sorry.

44

Everyone else has pretty much covered all the basics, rostfrei - all I can add is how sorry I am that he took the good thing you had and wrecked it. Actually, scrap that - a relationship with a cheater isn’t a good thing - the good thing is that you found out so quickly what he was about.

Be easy on yourself, don’t blame yourself, and give yourself the time you need to grieve for the loss of possibilities with this guy. I seem to recommend this in every relationship thread, but you might want to consider seeing a therapist to help deal with the trust issues that can come with being cheated on, so they don’t prevent you from trusting someone who deserves it in the future.

45

I think it’s something you have to take on a case by case basis. I’ve been in relationships before where I chose to forgive someone after they cheated, and things ended badly, but not really because of that. And in my current relationship, with my husband whom I plan to be with forever, I did cheat once when we had been together for about a year, with a girl friend of mine (I’m bisexual, just to be clear). My then-boyfriend was very, very hurt, but he understood that it was a mistake I made after too much to drink, hanging out with someone whom I used to be intimate with pretty often, and I swore to him it would never happen again because I would never put myself in that situation again. And I haven’t, and it hasn’t. That’s been like five years ago, now.

Go with your gut; it sounds like maybe he was just a little freaked out about things moving too fast, being too perfect, getting too committed, or something like that. Has he had many successful serious relationships in the past? Maybe he’s just not used to it, and just fucked up plain and simple.

I would meet with him, discuss it, and then ask yourself if you can ever forgive him, and if he deserves to be forgiven. You know him and you know yourself, so only you are capable of making this decision.

Hope this helps. I know it sounds stupid because I don’t really know you, but I’ve been there, so {{hugs}}. :frowning:

46

Perversely, that phrase was given to me by the very man I cheated on as stupidly as the OP’s ex?-boyfriend (come back and tell us the rest of the story, rostfrei).
My ex-boyfriend was yelling it another friend who was about to enter a relationship with a psycho hose-beast.

47

(sigh) Here’s my tale of woe: I was cheated on by someone I thought I truly loved and wanted to be with for the rest of time and beyond… it hurt so immensely, and was so unexpected (although, looking back on it, I really should’ve known) - that when I found out, I actually almost bought into his “I love YOU and it meant nothing and it will never ever happen again” bullshit. I tried to give him another chance, but alas, all of his “changing” got us nowhere. The bond I thought we had had been broken. I couldn’t open up to him about things anymomre. After awhile it became even more difficult because according to him, it was all in past and I should get over it. It ended up hurting a lot more in the long run because he wouldn’t leave me alone, and I wouldn’t make him leave me alone. I realized that it was actually very selfish of him to continue calling me and pestering me. He wasn’t doing it for my good - he was doing it because he was afraid of being alone. People like this are emotionally unstable, insecure, selfish, irrational, and intolerable. They don’t appreciate what you have to give, because they don’t understand it. And it’s a scary thing to be in a relationship with someone like that.

Quit wasting your time with this guy. There are a lot of creeps out there, and very few genuinely good people. You’ve found a creep! Let him go and keep looking. Give us honest people a try (well, not me obviously, cos I’m a chick). And as featherlou suggested, you might want to consider seeing a therapist - as you’re not likely to get much validation for your feelings from this guy (at least not for long - he’ll get sick of your “whining” about it after awhile) - it would be nice to hear it from someone else, in person. (get a good therapist though, someone who will talk with you, not just sit there like a dead weight) Also, if you’ve had similar issues in relationships in the past (i.e. unhealthy stuff), then a therapist might help you identify patterns and help you learn how to break those patterns. I know I myself tend to feel more “normal” in a dysfunctional relationship - that’s not good! :wink:

Good luck, I really do sympathize. I wish people didn’t treat each other this way!

48

So he commits an indescresion, and is then expected to be on his best behaviour in order to have the slightest chance of forgiveness should you deign him, while you run around and shag the neighbourhood with a clear conscience?
I’m sure you didn’t mean it to come across like that, but it sounds like excessively callous punishment to me.

49

If there were a “Darwin Awards” for cheaters. this guy would take the F’n cake!

If I were you I’d be asking myself: “Even if I CAN trust this guy again; can I really picture myself with someone this STUPID?”

Just be glad you found out NOW and not later.

50

rostfrei, I’m wondering if you haven’t checked in again because you don’t like the way this thread is going? If that’s the case, well, screw us, we’re just strangers on a message board. You’ll make your own decision, of course. (I’m one of those people who needs to learn the hard way myself, and I surely did!)
However, I for one would still like to hear back from you and find out how it’s going. I may be a stranger on a message board, but that doesn’t mean I don’t sympathize with what you’re going through.

51

Agree this that. Cheating : no big deal. Not telling upfront : game over.

52

I read an unspoken underlying statement, here. Am I wrong?

53

I would say that exclusivity isn’t beside the point if rostfrei thought (for good reason) that he was in an exclusive relationship. If his boyfriend also agreed with that, then had a one-night stand, then he is breaking the commitment that they made to each other. People can (and do) make any kind of arrangements they want with relationships, but both members have to be on the same page.

54

I think I understand what you’re saying, but disagree with the specific words you’re using. If you tell upfront, then, by definition, it’s not cheating.

55

Clairobscur:

Well, you read a half-spoken statement about a bad tendency on my part to make unsupported generalizations about an entire population of people. It is really hard for me to wrap my head around the notion that people make and request mutual promises of exclusivity for reasons other than “they just grew up hearing that that’s how love is supposed to be and bought into it blindly”, but that speaks more about my impoverishment of imagination than anything else, I suppose.

::sigh::

56

rostfrei, looks like you haven’t checked in in awhile, and I can only imagine what you’re going through. Everybody’s telling you to dump the guy, no further questions asked, but I don’t think it’s that simple…that’s the dramatic prescription, yeah, but it might not be yours. Take it from a big ol’ homo who’s been around the block since dinosaurs walked the earth – you’re the only one who’s going to know what to do here, and you’ve got to get your mind, heart, and dick in synch in order to do it. So I suggest: don’t make any decisions right at this moment – maybe not for a few weeks. Get yourself some space, and resist the temptation to take action right now. Restraint will be hard, count on that, but use it.

Make it plain to Jason that the ball’s in his court. He’s the one who screwed up, and it’s up to him to find a way to fix it. You don’t have to be mean to get this across – but as others have noted above, he’s got to earn your trust back. And, assuming it can be done, it will take time. I’d guess you’re going to be wary of him for awhile, but in the long run what’s happened won’t hurt as much as it does now (that’s going to be the case with or without him), and at some point, you may pretty much forget it. And if you can’t get over it, that’ll be when you’ll know to move on.

When I was a lot younger I lived with a dancer who toured regularly to a lot of different cities. I stayed home. I first found out that he was playing around on the road through a phone call from some trick he’d stupidly given his number to. I freaked, my pride was hurt, I felt I’d never trust him again. We had a realistic, angry, loving talk about what our needs were, and decided to stick together. And we did, for years. If anything the talk we had that day opened up some truths about ourselves that we might have kept from each other, so in a way the pain was an opportunity to get closer.

I’m not saying that’ll be your outcome. It’s different for everybody. I’m just saying that you should first take some time off to get yourself together, and then maybe work on the communication that’ll get you clear on what you each need. And then, if you find out that you can’t actually meet each others’ needs, for freedom, for monogamy, for whatever’s real for you, then at least you’ll know you’ve tried and you might move to a new level of your relationship – as really close friends.

Good luck, brother – stay strong.

57

Yes. I checked my dictionnary, and actually I misused “upfront” (so, by the way, thanks for the free english course). I actually meant the contrary : “after the fact” . In the Op’s case, that would be when the boyfriend came back from his trip, instead of her/him (the OP, i’m not sure about his/her gender) discovering it by chance latter. Admitting to it once (s)he found out what had hapened doesn’t cut it.
Then, I could strongly object if it was a habbit. Or fully reconsider the meaning/content of the relationship.

58

Thanks everybody. I know I can always trust the wisdom of my fellow dopers. I’ve decided that, as much as I love Jason, I must let him go. We had a long conversation on the phone last night and decided our fate. I had already made my decision prior to last night though. I do believe him when he tells me he was sorry and that it would never happen again. I know he loves me. But he did betray me and I can never get over that. For the time being, we are not going to have any contact. Maybe one day we can be friends though.

I know there’s a nice guy out there for me. Eventually, I’d like to find him. But my happiness doesn’t depend on it.

Eric

59

That’s what i read, sort of. Or perhaps more exactly : did people even adress the issue by making promises, or is it simply an assumption because it’s “the way things are done”?
But I guess at this point we’re hijacking the thread and aren’t being very helpful for the OP. More suited for a GD, I suppose.
By the way, concerning the OP, my stance would be “no coming back”, but it was implied by my comment about no more trust = game over. Then it could be possible that the boyfriend could amend his behavior, but still, at the bare minimum, if I were the OP, I would wait, if only to make sure that after some time has passed, after (s)he has cooled down, (s)he still thinks his/her relationship with this guy is worth the trouble.

And when I say “waiting”, I don’t mean waiting while expecting to resume the relationship. But rather, forgetting about him, about the whole issue, and possibly, if they’re still in touch later, if (s)he still thinks the guy is worth it somehow, if (s)he still care about him, if (s)he thinks objectively that he really intend to amend his ways (and is able to do so), then perhaps…

60

YAY! Go You! With that attitude, how can you miss?!