I don’t think Mr. F was trying to be funny, but his entire summation of Russian History, from the Revolution clear through the cold war was as follows:* "That Nee-ko-lie Lennin, he was a Dirty Bird!*
Thus endith the lesson.
(a) 4
(b) Four
(c) four
(d) {O,{O},{O,{O}},{O,{O},{O,{O}}}}
(e) Like, three and a bit, man!
I had a very caffeinated mad-scientist type for a physics teacher. Always bumping into things, getting flustered.
We were doing a lab on calorimetry and he was heating up water in a carafe on a hotplate. Unfortunately, the glass had started to melt and stick to the hotplate, and the top part came off in his hand, sending hot water all over him. He danced and swore for a second as we all looked on, horrified. Then he turned to us with a relieved smile, to say “Thank God, it missed my Vital Area!”
That became a running joke for the rest of the year. Nobody could spill anything or drop anything without someone yelling out “Oh no, XXXX, did it hit your Vital Area???” :eek:
In our last year of Secondary school when I was sixteen, we had a biology lesson when we were studying human anatomy. The teacher went round the class, asking each of us a different question. One girl he asked “which part of the body will increase in size nine times when excited?” The girl was very embarrassed, she didn’t know where to look, she refused to answer. So teacher asked the same question of the next person who gave the correct answer - the pupil, obviously.
So the teacher turned to the first girl and said “Miss Smith, your answer leads me to three conclusions. First of all, its clear you did not do your homework. Second, you appear a little paranoid. And third - you are extremely optimistic.”
High-school anatomy class. We were discussing fertility and how you can measure temperature to determine how fertile you are. The teacher said something along the lines of, “the reading is most accurate if you take it right when your head hits the pillow.”
One of the students raised his hand and said, “Wouldn’t that kind of ruin the moment?”
It took about 10 minutes for students and teacher to recover from that one.
High school trig, first day of class. Mr. P. set himself up better than an Abbott & Costello bit:
The teacher has gone through the couse calendar, the grading scale, etc. and was finishing up his comments with ten to fifteen minutes before the bell to end class. “Well,” he said, “I feel like I should say something deep and inspiring.”
Dead-pan from the back of the class came, “How about ‘class dismissed’?”
My world history teacher constantly insults his students. It’s really funny.
Ex. “OK class, item 63 is the Geography worksheet. I’d say it’s fairly difficult, but all of it’s on stuff that we’ve gone over, so unless you haven’t been paying attention in class or opened your book, you should be alright. Dave [a student], you’re not gonna do alright.”
My biology teacher in 9th grade was sort of a wise-ass. When we were studying genetics, and the genetic “consequences” of incest, he turns to me and asks, “Hey, do you have a brother?”
Me: “Uh, yeah.”
Him: “Are you and he close?”
Me: “No, not really.”
Him: “Ok, well, let’s say you’re REALLY close…”
Okaybear turns bright red for the rest of the discussion
This teacher was also the same one who served pulpy orange juice and jelly donuts during a very vivid “Emergency Childbirth” video. Needless, to say, he was a hoot.
I remember in 9th grade Health class, the teacher announced that she was going to disseminate some information on HIV transmission.
I thought that was hysterically funny. Unfortunately, I was the only one…
This wasn’t a teacher funny more a reply funny
“So does anyone know the name of the female mosquito?”
[Voice from back of room] “Helen?”
A teacher slip-up which has always made me giggle would be my 8th grade science teacher. She was old and was completely dissconected from reality. Anyways, one day she was getting particulary flustered. There was a dead silence in the classroom and she said plain and clearly for all to hear:
“Heather! Spit out your come!”
She had no idea why we laughed so hard.
I just remembered another one from last semester:
Narrative and Descriptive writing is one of those coursed required for graduation so you get a lot of junkies in there taking it for the sole reason of having to. I had a veteran prof (he’s been here a good 20 or so years). Basically, he’s got all the job security in the world. He’s also no dummy and uses his academic invincability to say things in class to piss people off and actually get them thinking for a change. Anyway, on with the story:
So we’re sitting in class discussing (or rather hearing the prof talk to us) about the upcoming final. Several students were distressed by its potential difficulty (500 words in two hours, oh no!!). The the prof lays it out plain and simple:
“Unless you’re high…or Irish, you’re going to do fine on this test.”
A student in the back raises his hand, “Umm, I’m Irish…does that mean I’m already doomed to failure?”
“YES, yes it does. You might as well drop out of school now, buy a bottle of whisky and a brown paper bag, and join all the other Irish people over on skid row.”
Strangely, I was the only one who found him uproariously funny.
This was the same guy who stated that if he was ever to invite a girl to a ‘comma dance’ (don’t ask), he would ask a slut because, as everybody knows, sluts are the best dancers.
What an amazing coincidence. The exact same thing happened to a friend of a friend. What are the odds? :rolleyes:
My thermodynamics professor was less than impressed with the section of the textbook describing entropy. He figured if we tried to learn it the way it was presented there, we’d be totally confused about how to apply it in out second-law analyses of turbines and stuff.
"The Second Law is covered in section 5.6. Entropy itself… is not important for you to completely understand. But for those of you who want to know, I’ll give you a quick explanation.
The textbook talks about entropy in section 5.7. But Don’t Read That. You will only be confused. It’s very different from the representation we want to use. Don’t Look In That Section of the textbook. Skip right over it. Pretend like it isn’t there.
I’d rather you go look at one of those magazines with the pictures of girls in it, than look at section 5.7. At least, if you look at those magazines, you won’t be confused."
Pause. A little smirk appears on his face
“Well, maybe you will be confused. But at least not about entropy.”
The class had a good laugh.
My husband’s high school physics teacher was an eccentric man. He’d immigrated from Germany when he was just a wee lad, but still had a trace of an accent. His sense of humour was warped. Also, he was well into his forties, and still lived with his mom (later on, he also came out, which explained why he didn’t seem to want to move out and shack up with any girlfriends). But I digress.
One day before class, my husband and his best friend were discussing the mechanics of hamster-stuffing (yes, that kind, not taxidermy). The teacher strolled by and said, “Ze trouble wit stuffing your hamsters is that zey tend to pop!”
The best friend retorted, “Not if you wrap them in electrical tape!” :eek:
Too funny.
This was 14 years ago. Can you imagine a teacher getting away with something similar in today’s political climate?
There was a Jeopardy club for teachers and students in my high school. One day, several people were playing. There was a European History category, which was pretty much left to me and a history teacher who had a considerably better reaction speed on the buzzer than I.
Me: “History for 200 please, Gene.”
Host: “The battle fought for the crown of England.”
<history teacher buzzes in before me as usual>
History Teacher: “What is the Battle of Agincourt?”
I suppress a chuckle and answer “Hastings” when the buzzers unlock. The guy knew a TON about US history, but this apparently wasn’t his cup of tea.
A minute later:
AStudent02: “History for eight, Gene”
Host: “He led Germany in World War I.”
<history teacher buzzes in first>
History Teacher: “Who is Bismarck?”
You can imagine the rest.
I had a 9th grade geography teacher who was famous throughout the school for being a completely insane paranoid schizophrenic with a dash of conspiracy theorist. Not really important to the story, but you need to understand what kind of teacher she was and what we were used to hearing her say (she once tried to convince us that the Cold War had something to do with aliens having built the pyramids.)
We were having a class discussion about U.S. agriculture, and she, speaking a bit too fast, said something like, “A lot of wheat is grown on the Great Plains.” It didn’t sound like “wheat.” You could see the eyes opening and the ears pricking up around the class; we collectively loved messing with this teacher and we smelled blood. The following dialogue ensued.
Student: “You say they grow weed on the Great Plains?”
Teacher: (still oblivious) “Yes, most of the world’s wheat.”
Student: “Is it high quality weed?”
Teacher: (ignoring snickers) “Certainly. It’s the wheat you use every day.”
Student: “Do you like weed?”
Teacher: (slightly unnerved) “Uh…”
Finally, as **mambozzy ** put it, one of the stoners in the back blurted out “Are you saying ‘wheat’ or ‘weed’?” Pandemonium ensued, and she yelled at us to within an inch of our lives for the next ten minutes or so. I’m not really sure why.
This happened during descriptive geometry clasee, with a professor whom all we knew that was slightly odd in some indefinite way.
The lesson was about concave and convex figures, he went to the blackboard to draw a convex figure, he made a long vertical figure, rounded at the top, and at the base two circles side by side. Yeah, he drew that and proceeded to give all the mathematical crap about convex figures. Meanwhile the whole class was trying to relocate their fallen maxilars and de-orbited eyes back in place, it was surreal.
As I was teaching my students about the declaration of independence I read aloud the section “whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the People to alter or to abolish it”. . . Most of my students were asleep as most high school history students are; however, as I read the last two words “abolish it” many heads raised.
If you don’t understand, say “abolish it” to the person nearest you.
I had to hear about it for the rest of the year.
My physics/calculus teacher has imparted some terrible math humor upon us.
He calls his protractor and compass “weapons of math destruction.”
Today being our last school day before spring break, he had some advice for us over the break: “Don’t drink and derive.”
Today he also asked whether we knew what a trapezoid was. He went to the board and drew a cat-like creature. “That’s the zoid.” He then drew a box around the creature. “Trapezoid.” Groan.