My Husband is at a Strip Club and I Can't Stop Crying

[DoperChic]

@askeptic

That’s a great answer, just what we need, another kid growing up in a broken home…:rolleyes:

I have absolutely zero intentions of leaving my husband over this. It is something that we need to work through, and will.

@Alice_The_Goon

The issue is not the strip club. It’s that this man obviously doesn’t care enough about his wife’s needs to not go given his history and the fact that she’s obviously upset about it. Going to a strip club isn’t bad- choosing a strip club over your wife’s feelings is bad.

Alice The Goon, you’ve hit the nail right on the head. My husband has gone to strip clubs several times since we’ve been together (almost 8 years now). Each time, I was extremely uneasy about it and let him know this. He still went. I will never forget the look in his eyes the first time he told me about what happened during one of his first visits. I was genuinely curious, so I pressured him into telling me what happened that night. I was expecting some lame short story abot some ugly chicks wiggling around the stage and how it did nothing for him. Instead, he got so excited telling me all about what they did, in graphic detail, to his bachelor friend. I was pissed about it, but he brushed that off as it just being the guy’s bachelor party. That right there should have been enough of a warning for me about what was to come.

[Martini_Enfield]

@gonzomax

A lot of guys go to strip clubs. They do not necessarily cheat on their wives. They do not have affairs with the women. It is a suckers game and wastes a lot of money. But the only real threat to a marriage is if you make it that way. It has nothing to do with you.

I wouldn’t have put it quite as bluntly as that, but yeah.

I haven’t been to a strip club since I was 18 for the simple reason that I don’t enjoy paying money to have women that probably hate me pretending to be interested in me purely to lighten my wallet.

FWIW I’ve never heard of a strip club where you can suck on the stripper’s breasts or have intercourse with them, but as I said before it’s been a long time since I was in a strip club and they were “gentlemen’s clubs” rather than sleazy titty bars.

I’m probably not the best person to be having a sexual morality discussion with, though…

[ladyfoxfyre]

@ZipperJJ

Cut her some slack, guys.

There’s a difference between “omg all strip clubs are nasty and you are a disgrace to me if you ever set foot in one!” and “For very specific reasons, I was devistated the last time you did this thing. It was even devistating to you. It would really hurt me if you did it again. And now you’re doing it again…”

Agreed. This isn’t about strip clubs. This is about what happened the last time he went to a strip clubs and committed a sexual act with a stripper while his pregnant fiancee sat at home.

I’m disgusted for you, DoperChic, and try not to pay attention to the harsh ridicule that will surely follow. Strip clubs aren’t a big deal until they represent emotional betrayal by a loved one.

[DoperChic]

@Don_t_fight_the_hypothetical

While I agree husband is an ass, it doesn’t seem to be the big deal you are making it either. I don’t really like strip clubs myself. When I do go it’s usually to play a game or two of pool with the guys. I honestly don’t pay much attention to the dancers.

If you man is going to be unfaithful, I doubt it will be a strip club that will be your relationship’s undoing.
Sorry for your pain.

My husband says he understands why I think what he did was cheating. What he doesn’t understand is why is was wrong. It’s as though walking into that damn strip club on the night of his bachelor party somehow made anything that happened that night just a part of some normal right of passage. Like he had no choice in the matter it was just expected and totally OK. His friends were actually proud of him for it.

The crazy thing about it all is that I know my husband wouldn’t even remotely consider doing anything like this in a normal environment. I trust him completely not to cheat in any other scenario. Again, it goes back to the no-holds-barred environment of the clubs.

[Alice_The_Goon]

In his mind, it probably isn’t cheating. Some men that go to strip clubs are able to completely objectify the strippers and not see them at all as a real person. They’re more like a very bendy RealDoll than an actual woman that he could ever develop an emotional connection to. Whether you see that as a good quality to have in a husband is up to you.

[Lobsang]

This is in no way a good thing, it’s a bad thing, and it might depend on what country you’re in, but an unfortunate characteristic of the modern male is that bachelor night is the one night it’s ok to chain another human being naked to a lamppost in hull with rude words drawn on his head in permanent marker. Just as it’s ‘ok’ to do strip clubs on that night.

To re-iterate. Bad thing. I do sympathise. I’d like to think I’m not infected with this particular aspect of Maleness.

Edit: If I were in that situation I’d find it quite easy to say to my BEST friend “Are you kidding?? My wife* would HATE that! Not going.”

[sub]*(Scarlett Johansson)[/sub]

[DoperChic]

@Alice_The_Goon

In his mind, it probably isn’t cheating. Some men that go to strip clubs are able to completely objectify the strippers and not see them at all as a real person. They’re more like a very bendy RealDoll than an actual woman that he could ever develop an emotional connection to. Whether you see that as a good quality to have in a husband is up to you.

Again, I think you’ve nailed this one perfectly. I absolutely do not see this as a good quality. In fact it almost makes things worse. As of now he only feels bad because I feel bad, not because he thinks that what he did was really and truly wrong. It’s how he can so easily justify going to another bachelor party. Especially since now he’s not the one in the hot seat given free reign to do as he pleases. Just having him be a part of that tonight disgusts me.

[JThunder]

I agree with Lobsang. This is not a good thing in any way, shape, or form.

[DoperChic]

@Lobsang

This is in no way a good thing, it’s a bad thing, and it might depend on what country you’re in, but an unfortunate characteristic of the modern male is that bachelor night is the one night it’s ok to chain another human being naked to a lamppost in hull with rude words drawn on his head in permanent marker. Just as it’s ‘ok’ to do strip clubs on that night.

To re-iterate. Bad thing. I do sympathise. I’d like to think I’m not infected with this particular aspect of Maleness.

Edit: If I were in that situation I’d find it quite easy to say to my BEST friend “Are you kidding?? My wife* would HATE that! Not going.”

[sub]*(Scarlett Johansson)[/sub]

Thanks, Lobsang, your edit made me laugh for the first time tonight.

[askeptic]

@DoperChic

I have absolutely zero intentions of leaving my husband over this. It is something that we need to work through, and will.

Good for you. My comment was directed at Shayna.

I don’t go to strip clubs and if I planned on going for a friends bachelor party and my wife got this upset I would not go, best friends party or not. I would think my wife was being silly and would talk to her about it. This is what I think is the bigger problem, your husband knows how you feel and did it anyway. That is what I think you should focus on, not that you don’t like how he acts at strip clubs or that you don’t like strip clubs. No matter how he (or others) feels about them he absolutely should not feel that making you feel this bad is acceptable.
ETA- when I say focus on I mean when you talk to him about it.

and I thought I should type feel one more time because apparently I am all feely tonight…

[lobotomyboy63]

Is there a checklist of questions out there somewhere for engaged persons? It would be great to identify these issues before saying “I do.”

*1) Your spouse is invited to a bachelor(ette) party at a strip club and wants to go.

2. Your spouse says a relative needs to come stay with you, possibly for months.

3. Your spouse wants to change careers, which will require going back to school and a downsizing of your lifestyle.

Your reactions? Discuss.*

That sort of thing. I wonder how many people discover, after having the kid, that one parent is pro-corporal punishment and the other is anti-. That’s not to say that a lot of grooms-to-be wouldn’t lie—“No, baby, a strip club? Never!” But at least they’d be on the record.

These days, I would guess that “normal” guys may be invited to bachelor’s parties where there would be a stripper and the harm might be acceptable. E.g. “Look but don’t touch” is something a lot of women can accept; what was discussed in the OP is way over the line, IMO.

There was a thread in here months ago about Hooters, how a man took the wife and 2.4 kids there; they felt it was wrong but he called it family entertainment. His teenaged daughter sucked him in—“I’m glad you feel that way because I applied for a job here and I start next month.” Suddenly, the father told her no way no how, and well, you know…

If said husband would let another man put his wife’s nipple in his mouth, maybe it isn’t. Yeah, she could go see some Chippendales, stuff some bills into the g-string, see how hubby likes it.

Quoting OP:
I have absolutely zero intentions of leaving my husband over this. It is something that we need to work through, and will.

I’m iffy about looking at it that way. I mean, there are plenty of things that stress a relationship. In and of itself this may not make you feel like you have to ask for a divorce, but if other things come along—e.g. losing a job or health problems or whatever—having this also on your mind is a burden you don’t need.

[Martini_Enfield]

@Lobsang

Edit: If I were in that situation I’d find it quite easy to say to my BEST friend “Are you kidding?? My wife* would HATE that! Not going.”

And you could watch as your social life evaporated once you got a reputation as being “under the thumb” or “on a very short leash”.

Sure, you can bust out the tired arguments about how “real friends wouldn’t blah blah blah” but Real Life™ doesn’t always work that way and if I was in that situation I’d either make a “Guest Appearance” at the club (ie, show up for an hour then leave with an excuse about a Major Crisis™ at work or something) or find a reason not to go that didn’t involve saying “My wife won’t let me”. FWIW, my wife has no problem with me going to strip clubs, but as I said before I’ve got no desire to do so. I’ve got no problem with other people going to them or their general existence etc, though.

[Don_t_fight_the_hypothetical]

@DoperChic

Again, it goes back to the no-holds-barred environment of the clubs.

I’m hearing you and I got that from your OP.

In my experience the "no-holds-barred environment " is a myth. Not that I have a lot of experience, but I’ve been to clubs in several states and there has always been a very strict no-touch rule. VERY strict. Further I don’t know anyone who considers strip clubs some sort of magical exception to the faithfulness rule.

I’m really not trying to be a dick or make you feel worse, but the strip club is not the problem.

I really am sorry for what you are going through.

[Ephemera]

@Don_t_fight_the_hypothetical

When I do go it’s usually to play a game or two of pool with the guys. I honestly don’t pay much attention to the dancers.

So why go to a strip club and not a bar or pool hall?

[Invisible_Chimp]

I like to go to strip clubs, but I don’t have the OP’s husband’s history nor do I have a wife who has expressed her displeasure at my going to them. Given the facts as laid out in the OP, I think the OP’s husband is acting like a grade A D-bag.

[DoperChic]

@Don_t_fight_the_hypothetical

I’m hearing you and I got that from your OP.

In my experience the "no-holds-barred environment " is a myth. Not that I have a lot of experience, but I’ve been to clubs in several states and there has always been a very strict no-touch rule. VERY strict. Further I don’t know anyone who considers strip clubs some sort of magical exception to the faithfulness rule.

I’m really not trying to be a dick or make you feel worse, but the strip club is not the problem.

I really am sorry for what you are going through.

I didn’t intend to imply that my problem is with the clubs themselves. I actually agree with everything you have said in your post. My problem is with the attitude that some men seem to have about what is OK to happen while there, especially during a bachelor party. My husband’s small group of friends seem to have this attitude to the point to where it is not only OK, but expected that something will definitely happen that night that would never ever be acceptable in any other situation.

[CAT_1]

My husband has gone to a few strip clubs. He went a couple times before we were married, and then for his own bachelor party which ended up just being him, his brother and one other guy. It didn’t bother me a bit. But the two guys I had dated before him drove me nuts when they went. I was like you, begging them not to go, and crying my eyes out, and worrying while they were gone.

Something changed when I hit 30. I met my hubby then and married him when I was 32. I really don’t get upset about that kind of thing anymore. In fact things that used to bug me, like one of my boyfriends salivating over nude women anywhere, even tv commercials is so funny to me now. If I see a naked woman with a good set of boobs on TV now, I yell for the hubby to come look!

My point…it is all about the individual. It is how they treat you, and how they make you feel. I finally found a guy I don’t have to worry about. And it has been so nice to give up almost all of that jealous crazy behavior I had in my youth. It was not fun for anyone.

Good luck with your man. I hope he is behaving, or having a boring time.
One time my hubby went to a bachelor party at a strip bar that was so lame, that the guys all ended up leaving and playing poker instead!

[askeptic]

@Martini_Enfield

And you could watch as your social life evaporated once you got a reputation as being “under the thumb” or “on a very short leash”.

Sure, you can bust out the tired arguments about how “real friends wouldn’t blah blah blah” but Real Life™ doesn’t always work that way and if I was in that situation I’d either make a “Guest Appearance” at the club (ie, show up for an hour then leave with an excuse about a Major Crisis™ at work or something) or find a reason not to go that didn’t involve saying “My wife won’t let me”. FWIW, my wife has no problem with me going to strip clubs, but as I said before I’ve got no desire to do so. I’ve got no problem with other people going to them or their general existence etc, though.

I have absolutely no problem telling my friends that my wife doesn’t want me to do something. I don’t go to strip clubs but I do go skiing and kayaking often. Occasionally my wife says don’t go for one reason or another even at the last minute and I will say my wife won’t let me go. If my friends have a problem with that they can go fuck themselves. A healthy relationship seems better than making up excuses about a crisis at work.

[5-HT]

@DoperChic

So it meant nothing when she kissed you. It meant nothing when she stuck her nipple in your mouth. Her NIPPLE!!! It meant nothing when she rode your crotch for over twenty damn minutes and made you cum! It meant nothing when she offered to take you to a private room and fuck you! Thank God you said no to that offer or I would have dumped your ass right then and there - wedding or no wedding, baby or no baby.

The kissing and nipple thing is weird and I’ve not seen that happen at strip clubs, the nipple thing especially would be against the rules at any club I’ve ever been to. As far as her riding his crotch though, what exactly did you think a lap dance was?

[DoperChic]

@lobotomyboy63

Is there a checklist of questions out there somewhere for engaged persons? It would be great to identify these issues before saying “I do.”

snip

Catholics have classes they go to before marriage called Pre-Cana classes. Although I do not consider myself to be Catholic, I have always liked the idea behind these classes. Primarily because part of their intent is to discuss just these sorts of questions, although I don’t think the whole strip club issue would pop up too frequently in discussions with your priest.

@CAT_1

My husband has gone to a few strip clubs. He went a couple times before we were married, and then for his own bachelor party which ended up just being him, his brother and one other guy. It didn’t bother me a bit. But the two guys I had dated before him drove me nuts when they went. I was like you, begging them not to go, and crying my eyes out, and worrying while they were gone.

Something changed when I hit 30. I met my hubby then and married him when I was 32. I really don’t get upset about that kind of thing anymore. In fact things that used to bug me, like one of my boyfriends salivating over nude women anywhere, even tv commercials is so funny to me now. If I see a naked woman with a good set of boobs on TV now, I yell for the hubby to come look!

My point…it is all about the individual. It is how they treat you, and how they make you feel. I finally found a guy I don’t have to worry about. And it has been so nice to give up almost all of that jealous crazy behavior I had in my youth. It was not fun for anyone.

Good luck with your man. I hope he is behaving, or having a boring time.
One time my hubby went to a bachelor party at a strip bar that was so lame, that the guys all ended up leaving and playing poker instead!

CAT, I never cared much about him going to a strip club until he described what it was like for him to be at his friend’s bachelor party. The way his eyes lit up when he described watching his friend basically cheat on his then-fiance disgusted and frightened me. Then to have him go and do what he did at his own bachelor party was just too much to handle. It was light-years beyond just looking at a naked girl. He actually has said-girl’s body parts in his mouth.

@askeptic

I have absolutely no problem telling my friends that my wife doesn’t want me to do something. I don’t go to strip clubs but I do go skiing and kayaking often. Occasionally my wife says don’t go for one reason or another even at the last minute and I will say my wife won’t let me go. If my friends have a problem with that they can go fuck themselves. A healthy relationship seems better than making up excuses about a crisis at work.

askeptic, I applaud you for being so understanding of your wife and being willing to risk your friends’ ridicule in exchange for protecting your healthy relationship.

In my situation, I feel that this goes beyond my not wanting him to go. I want him to be able to tell his friends that he doesn’t want to go because it would hurt me, especially after what happened at his bachelor party. I shouldn’t have to forbid him from going. I would never do that, no matter how much I hurt. The fact that he would rather have me at home crying about this than to have his friends sort of pissed at him… There are just no words to express how much that hurts.