I’m so sorry for your loss. Take care of yourself.
Very, very sorry for your loss.
I am a planner too, and both of my parents will not be around very soon. As much planning as me and my siblings do, there really isn’t anything to plan other than making any changes or transitions as easy as possible. Hang in there. You need time to deal with this loss.
(Positive thoughts on the way…) 
Sorry for your loss.
As to the future, my feeling is that you need to move out. If your dad can’t take care of himself then he needs some form of assisted living. But you can’t put yourself at risk of losing the opportunity for marriage/children forever for your father.
Someone upthread said “you don’t owe your dad anything”. I vehemently disagree with this. You owe your father a lot. But you don’t owe your father as much sacrifice as what you fear will occur if you stay with him. Push comes to shove your first responsibility is to make a life for yourself.
So I say move out. Feel bad about the impact on your father, because he’s your father and it’s very sad that he can’t have the optimum arrangement for him. But do it anyway.
**elfkin477 **–been there.
Being Human is not a vice, nor selfish.
You loved her.
Do what you can, but be gentle with yourself.
This gets into the philosophy of what you think the responsibilities of a parent are. They bring you into the world and have the responsibility to support you and provide the resources to then make your own way. That’s the deal, and no one owes anyone anything after that. I was expected to make my own way, and my parents didn’t expect me to take care of them when they’re old. We are each self-sufficient.
I’m not saying not to be grateful that one’s parents chose to do the right thing, and had the resources to do it, but that was the deal. I can be grateful for sacrifices they made to do the right thing, but those are freely given as part of the responsibility of having children, and don’t merit a repayment or debt. I’m not saying they aren’t dear loved ones who if you’re lucky you are also friends with, but your life is yours and comes first.
I am genuinely sorry to hear this, elfkin. When the day inevitably comes that I go through this, I hope I bear up with as much grace as you seem to be.
<Hugs>
Grieve for your mom, enroll dad in social assistance, say your good buys and go buy your house so you can be happy.
p.s. Keeping in touch with Dad is optional.
Hon, you can ramble and be selfish all you want/need on the day your mom dies. Actually, you’re doing OK for the circumstances and what you feel is what you feel - you can’t always be completely open and honest in real life, but you can say what you really think here.
Hugs, and best wishes. I’m so sorry for your loss.
I’m so so sorry for your loss, elfkin, and I hope things work out for you and your loved ones. Please hang in there.
…and now Dad has been admitted to the hospital tonight with “well, we can’t be sure it’s a pneumonia, but there’s definitely something wrong in addition to your COPD worsening.” Regular ward instead of ICU, but going from urgent care (we both were checked for the flu on recommendation of one of Mom’s doctors) to ER to hospitalized is a path I didn’t hope to see anyone else follow this week.
I feel like I’m in the middle of a fucked up psychology experiment.
Wow, that’s a lot to handle! Try and remember to breathe, okay? No, seriously, when you’re feeling overwhelmed, (and who wouldn’t be?), take a moment, step away, close your eyes and just breathe. Not THINK, just breathe! 10-20 times, nice long even breaths. It won’t change your reality, of course, but it will help you to stay on an even keel. Buys you a little more calm when you need some!
I’m sorry that more upset has been visited upon you, but glad to hear your Dad is receiving the care he needs. And glad to hear they screened you too! Please don’t forget to eat well, and get good sleep, these two things are essential in times of great stress, DO NOT let them slide.
Please, please take good care of yourself! And do not hesitate to come and share with us, we’re always around and ready to listen, I promise. We’re right here, anytime!
Thinking of you, sending healing energy your way! Hang in there, you’ll get through this!
My sincere condolences on your loss.
I’ve got an order for you:
don’t get yourself hospitalized any time soon, ok? There are some things one should not be solidary about!
Elfkin, I hope your dad’s doing ok. I’m so very sorry about your mom. I know just what you mean about your relationship with her.
I had more to say but I’ll wait for a report on how your dad’s doing. Hugs.
Finally some good news: Dad’s well enough that they released him from the hospital.
I’m glad your Dad is coming home. I’m sorry for the loss of your mom. You don’t sound selfish. The future you thought you had planned out is changed now, too. It’s reasonable to grieve that, as well.
I, too, lost my mom first. My dad was ill for years with COPD. I watched my big strong Dad’s world shrink to the length of his oxygen tube. Mom and I had plans. She’d get an apartment, we’d travel, because of course Dad would die first. My mom wasn’t feeling well and went to the doc on Friday. I don’t recall what her underlying illness was but she developed pneumonia in the hospital and was dead by Tuesday morning.
My dad followed her 16 months later, but oddly, that gave me time to develop a relationship with my dad that I never would have had if mom were still alive. No one was more surprised or grateful than me.
First and foremost, take gentle care of yourself. The nuts and bolts will work themselves out. I do hope you are blessed with more opportunities than burdens. hugs
My birthday’s next month on the 10th, and Dad’s is on the 9th. Today he gave me money and told me to buy whatever I want. I don’t know why that upset me, but it did.
I’m trying to keep in mind that he’s hurting too, but he doesn’t talk much about it. We don’t have a lot to say to each other without her here with us.
My mom was a pretty complex person. She was brilliant, and had major depression since her teens. She tried to commit suicide a few times when I was really little, but my dad told her they could only have another baby if she promised to never ever try to hurt herself again. She never did (and only ended up so depressed she was hospitalized again once more after that), and I have my baby brother as a result of that. I’m so glad of that, I couldn’t imagine being an only child with just a dad.
I don’t know if it was the depression, or her not very good relationship with my late grandmother, but she never really seemed to realize how smart she was, even though she had to realize that little bro and I took after her and she never had trouble seeing us as smart. My grandparents wouldn’t cosign student loans for her, so she didn’t go to college until after my brother was born. And she earned a BS in 3 years, despite having two little kids, a husband, and a fulltime job.
Mom was really handy, and knew how to fix things. Even electrical things, though her fixes would scare me to death. So many of the things I did with her involved home improvement, and in November we built a media case together. We were so proud of how it came out, and we only needed to redrill holes once. She also liked home décor and was happy that she’d rearranged the kitchen in January when we got a new fridge. She added all sorts of storage, but the cellar’s still a mess because of things that got removed.
She was a terrible housekeeper, like if there was an Olympic sport in clutter and disorder and she wanted to get a spot on the US team. She also was a packrat. I’ve spent a lot of the past several days trying to clean out things she won’t yell at me for not holding onto - at first I thought it would make me feel better, but like going back to work, it didn’t. Probably this trait was a result of ADHD - something she passed along to both of us kids - and spending a lot of her life poor.
She had a black thumb, but she really tried to garden. I’ve tried too. Now I want to get rid of all the gardening stuff because I can’t imagine planting things and not having them be mostly for her.
She was well read, was a decent writer though she doubted her skills in it, and liked décor. Every holiday got decorations, and I feel bad that there’s still Valentine’s stuff on the mantle because she wouldn’t have liked that. We watched a lot together, lots of dramas and things on HGTV, and it kills me that there are so many things she’ll never see how they end.
Maybe because she and her mother didn’t get along (from the age of 4 she heard all about how terrible it was that she’d been a girl and grandma had had to have a third baby to give my grandfather a son) she was supportive of my brother and I. In almost anything we did, and I only remember her ever coming down hard on either of us when little bro got a DUI at 21 and hurt himself while drunk the following year (fortunately he straightened up after that!). She was too free with “you should…” even until now, but I know she meant well. Pretty much the only times we clashed in the past several years had been on occasions when she implied I didn’t know what to do on my own when I did.
She loved beautiful things, and I’m a lot like that myself. A day or two after she died I realized that all of our separate art stuff is now mine…and I don’t know if I still want it. I’ve always loved to do crafty things, both with her and on my own, but ever since I was a toddler, my first impulse is to show her because I knew she’d appreciate it. I don’t know that I can do it without her to please. Part of me is extremely glad that she didn’t read much of what I wrote as an adult, so hopefully writing will be something I can take back up soon.
She knew so much. I don’t know how either of us will get along with her almost always solid advice. Oh god, we miss her so much. I really loved my grandfather, her dad, but I had no idea how much more losing her would hurt than losing him.
**(((Elfkin)))) ** If you need anything PM me… I am so so sorry you are going through this!
You’ve written some great things about your mom. I’m glad you had all the cool things about her in your life.
That’s OK. The “stuff” will wait for you to think it over and decide. Take the time you need. I still have a number of quilts in various stages that my mom left. They will work themselves out and it’s nice to work on them and think about her.