My “case” has a non-slip coating formulated so that Knowitall Parenting Experts on the Internet slide right off ;).
As always there is much more backstory to it than many leap into assuming. The problem is that if you give people detail it gives them something to nitpick, and if you don’t it gives people an opening to make wild assumptions about the missing detail.
I once saw a 10 year-old defying his mother’s well-meaning admonition in an incident involving a Thai chili pepper. You know those cartoons where the character’s face turns beet red right before fire shoots out of his ears? It looked pretty much like that.
It’s not always black and white. I’m trying to walk a line between letting him run pell mell and trying to break him like a wild horse.
I don’t want my child broken or tamed, nor to I want to force him to give up on the things he wants, even if he’s wrong to want them. I want him to learn to make better choices because they are better, not because I will punish him for being wrong. Someday I won’t be there to punish him, will he make the right choice then?
If this was a continuing problem, I say put a battery powered clock on the table, tell him when the big hand hits 10, his butt is going out the door whether or not he’s done with the game. It’s now his choice of how to spend his time, and you’re not telling him what to do, you’re just telling him the schedule.
The issue is that kids are insane - the decision making portions of the brain are not finished developing until into the 20s, so trying to reason with kids under mid teens is pretty much useless. They need structure and rules. In general, unless the kid is already biddable, sweet reason is not going to do much.
I’ve got five kids, which may or may not make me the voice of sanity.
They have all turned out pretty well so far. Responsible, polite, high achieving, socially competent-good kids that are a joy to be around. I’m sure each and every one will fuck up magnificently somewhere along the line. Hopefully we’ve given them the tools and resources to get through it.
I don’t think any of them would consider themselves ‘broke.’ As far as tamed, I’ve met kids that are not ‘tamed’ You can keep them. Not surprisingly, most other people feel the same way.
I actually HAVE broke horses and tuned them up for years and years. I* know* what happens to horses that are not ‘tamed.’ Dogfood. The only people who use that analogy are people who haven’t been around horses.
Sure, all us horse people are meanies that just don’t understand their true spirit and self expression of the glorious horse mind. I’d prefer not to get kicked, trampled, bit or thrown.
Just like I’d like to have highly functioning adults eventually.
Horse and dog training has been a very important background experience for my child rearing. I am a complete and utter behaviouralist. Natural consequences, reasonable expectations, rarely giving in.
Your son may have ODD.
Please research this and consider whether he needs counseling. And you, too, to learn strategies on how to deal with an ODD child.
This is pretty much the first thing that came to my mind. Your son doesn’t have the cognitive capacity to understand the real implications of his decisions. He might say, ‘‘Yeah, yeah, I know,’’ but he doesn’t really know, he only thinks he knows. So I think trying to get a rational decision out of him at this age is aiming a bit high.
And I really hope there were consequences for his incredibly rude behavior.
I have something similar. It’s called “I don’t really feel like getting up to go to work this morning and besides my bed is really comfortable disorder.” My counselor has recommended that I take 42 different pills and take one week a month off from work and to visit him 3 times a week for the rest of my life to help me cope with my disorder.
:rolleyes:
I know it’s fashionable to pretend that mental/emotional disorders don’t exist or only exist as excuses for laziness, but a simple suggestion to at least have his son examined doesn’t deserve this kind of scorn. Yes, some disorders are over-diagnosed (and even more over-self-diagnosed) but they DO exist and, while I also don’t necessarily see a defiant six-year-old (or teenager) as having something like ODD, it doesn’t hurt to have the possibility looked at and either confirmed or ruled out.
I don’t have any problem with training horses or dogs, I just expect different things of children. Animals get trained to obey, and that’s OK, they don’t need to make decisions. Children do, and I think it’s possible to overdo obedience and fail to teach kids how to make good decisions for themselves.
I was lucky, my parents never made snap decisions about what I wanted to do unless I was actually putting the match to the dynamite fuse.
In retrospect, I can see my Dad thinking through the danger vs the learning opportunity vs if they could stand the ‘It went horribly wrong’ possibility.
Also, we would loose horribly if we ever tried to play the ‘go ask the other parent’ card.
Whatever the answer, it was good as gold. It would be that way. The rules were more than fair & very solid.
I think these things were imbedded in all 7 of us before the age of two.
My kid has ODD. I think it would severely adjust your attitude if you spent a few days with him.
FWIW, what I read in the OP is nowhere near ODD.
This is exactly the right course of action; not only with one’s own children, but all members of the citizenry, such as with passing senior citizens, members of the clergy, police officers, judges, circus clowns, etc.
I agree with this post.
Princhester, your son may or may not have ODD, but I think it’s wise that you learn a a bit about this disorder now, and watch your son carefully for other signs. If he does have ODD, you’ll want to get him (and yourself) into counseling sooner rather than later.
P.S. Therapy for ODD does not involve popping pills.
Uh, seriously? My kids were in my room at 6:02 this morning, and only because we require that they not wake us before six! We leave for the school bus at 8:15!! So we have more than 2 hours to kill each morning! I don’t want them to get into the habit of leaving homework until the next morning, so they generally have quite a bit of playtime in the morning.
My daughter is not such a problem but my son has what is called “difficulty transitioning!” Which basically means he does NOT want to stop what he is doing in order to do something else, even if that something else is something he loves. Can’t offer you a solution, but I do have some success using the kitchen timer… that way the buzzer tells him when to stop/start/change rather than always me. This way, I often avoid the stand-off because I am not being the evil oppressor. Of course, I always factor in a few extra minutes so that he can “just finish this one thing” before he must stop/change.
As for “the boss of me” I try to turn it into “this is your choice” “you decide to make good choices” and his touchy-feely, hippie pre-school teacher’s mantra of “I need you to please honor my words.” and “are you honoring my words?” Said in the most calm, loving, caring voice. She rocks. 
Wait, your child spoke to you? With his voice? And he is six years old and kinda wanted to do several things at once?!
Well, this is the worst child and the worst parenting I have ever seen. Oh dear. There is really very little left to do. Clearly, your son has all the disorders. But it’s too late already, the only thing left for it is to drown him in a bucket of water. All the ritalin in the world won’t save you now. Now that it has come to him speaking to you. And wanting things. At the age of 6.
After that you should await the locusts, because that is just the only next step. Then it will rain blood and there will be a tsunami and that’s it. End of.
Really we should’ve seen this coming the minute Obama was inaugurated.
Just to be clear, this is not aimed at the OP.
And my four year old will be standing there grilling me about the bus and people standing in the street in a valiant effort to run the down the clock on whatever we are going to be doing.
Read Something Happened by Joseph Heller. A hard read by a bitter old chauvinist but brilliant all the way through, very relevant to the post. Heller’s best work.
Send his ass to military school.
And my 9 yr old will turn it into a science fair project involving velocity and mph!