Whenever we would start a family trip, dad would always say “We’re off like a turd of hurtles.”
My dad has several of these. My faves have always been:
When he’s the least bit thirsty, it’s always “I’m drier than a popcorn fart!”
“I/He/She/Your Mother was farting like a pack-mule.” This one seems to come into conversations far more often than you would think it would.
Regarding any injury that you may have: “Just soak it in cider.” It took me a long time to figure out what the hell that meant. “Inside her.” Yuk yuk.
If he sees an attractive young girl, and is in the presence of my mother (who, by the way, doesn’t have a jealous bone in her body), always has to call attention to her by loudly exclaiming “Look at that sweathog!”
He has a bunch, but these are the only ones that come to mind.
Since I’m a brand-new Dad (as two weeks ago yesterday), and I never really had a Dad growing up, do you all mind if I borrow some of these for myself??
I especially like “Turd of Hurtles” and “I’d rather walk.”
And I’ve already adopted “AIS” (for Ass In Seat) from Everybody Loves Raymond.
Crap, none of mine are terribly pleasant.
“Old age…”, as he slowly stands up. He’s been doing this since at least his 50s.
“In it, not at it.”
“You have to hit him to get his attention.”
Oh, goodness, my father had so many! Lemme see if I can dredge a few from my memory:
That was slicker than an eel in a bucket of snot!
That’s sharper than a rat turd pointed at both ends!
The first thing to do when you find yourself in a hole is to stop diggin’.
Before I married your mother, she told me she had a C-cup; I suspected she had a B-cup; on our wedding night, I found out she had a demitasse cup.
We don’t always get what we want, but we always get what we need, and thank God we don’t always get what we deserve.
Anyone will do right when it’s easy; doing right when it’s hard, that’s the real measure of a man.
Here, pal, read this. (said to me about many books over the years, and never said to me about one that I didn’t love. In fact, he may have said it to me about the first Straight Dope book).
I remebered another one: “Count 'em to make sure they’re all there.” Often said to women who are accompanied by at least five children. Dad forgot to count once and left me behind in a park for a few minutes.
A couple more from my dad:
Why don’t you go outside for a while and blow the stink off?
Go stand in the corner and count yourself; if you come up with more than one, let me know.
“It’s as easy as pushing a rope.”
“There goes another retired Air Force Lieutenant Colonel” (any time he saw a really ratty looking homeless guy - he is a retired Air Force Lieutenant Colonel)
Anytime you left the house you’d get: “Write if you get work!” instead of goodbye.
My mother has a number of colorful threats:
“I’m going to rip your lips off!”
“I’m gonna slap you upside down one the other!” (somehow this evolved from “slap you upside the head”)
“I’m gonna slap a slat out from under you!” (and no, she doesn’t actually slap anyone)