A Kevin Costner sports trifecta:
Field of Drams - “if you weigh it in archaic measurements, they will come”
For Love Of The Gam - pitcher blows his no-hitter when he’s distracted by a woman with very shapely legs
In Cup - the most rudimentary golf instructional video ever
Sock Corridor– Who left their laundry in the hallway?
Plane of The Apes James Franco has had it with these motherfucking apes on this motherfucking plane.
And the winner is…
Two from Wes Craven:
The Hills have Yes Deformed cannibals enjoy some early Rick Wakeman.
Cream Neve Campbell and Courteney Cox enjoy some early Eric Clapton.
Cat Away: three hours of Tom Hanks stranded on a small deserted island trying to shoo an annoying cat.
Aws: You’re gonna need a bigger crib…
The Thin: Kurt Russell and crew are attacked by Kate Moss in the Antarctic.
No, no! Jurassic Ark is actually the prequel to Sokurov’s 2002 masterpiece, and consists of a single, incredibly orchestrated 96-minute Steadicam shot of the Marquis de Custine wandering through prehistoric Russia making pithy comments on all the dinosaurs and cycads and shit.
Carface– Optimus Prime becomes a drug kingpin.
Cowboys and Liens Daniel Craig trys to save the family farm from foreclosure.
The Bi Lebowski: no comment; I’ll let you do the math on this one.
The Men who Stared at Oats – a stake out for a cereal killer.
The Karate Id: Freudian martial arts!
Weeney Todd: exactly like Sweeney Todd, only replace the entire cast with midgets (sorry, “little people”).
Pedator: Arnold, Carl Weathers, Jesse Ventura and the rest of the squad in a South American jungle being hunted by a teacher who captures them one by one and teaches them proper grammar.
Seepless In Seattle; It’s hard to find a house that doesn’t leak in a city were it rains every other day.
Speed Acer; World’s fastest test taker.
Peed Racer: Winner of the International Peeing Championship.
A Nightmare on El Street: Freddy visits the ghetto.
Moby Ick - The story of an obsessed captain bent on finding and killing a whale responsible for the loss of his leg and ship. He finally finds the stinking rotting carcass of the whale washed up on the shore of a small island.
Saving Private Ran - foot soldier caught up in epic Japanese dynastic war that coincidentally follows the plot of King Lear gets completely lost and disoriented in battle and when his evil scheming brothers are killed, accidentally invades Normandy.
The Girl with the Dagon Tattoo – Finally, a big-budget Lovecraft movie
**Seed **-- Onanism at 55 miles per hour.
Who Framed Roger Rabbi? – Noir crime thriller about an orthodox man accused of something rather unorthodox.
Ty Story – Gripping biography of the guy who hosts TV’s Extreme Makeover: Home Edition. You’l be on the edge of your seat when mob yells “Move that bus!”
***Woking Girl ***- Melanie Griffith leaves Wall Street to open a Chinese restaurant
“[blank space here]”: Apolitical story staring Yves Montand