What do you think is the percentage of genuinely happily married couples?

In My Humble Opinion
41

We just celebrated our 24th anniversary, and while it hasn’t been perfect, I’ve had a hell of a lot more good times than bad.

Too many men (and I’ll bet a bunch of women) blame everything that goes wrong in their lives on marriage. “If I wasn’t stuck with a wife and kids I’d sail around the world/be a pro ballplayer/write the great American novel/etc.”

What a load of crap. They’d all still be pushing papers in an office, or making a sales call or working on an assembly line. They’d just have to find something else to blame.

42

Happily married since 2000.

I could not imagine living without Mrs. Bricker. Somehow I did it for years, but I sure wouldn’t want to try again. She makes my heart sing like an April day on the wings of spring.

Some comments from above suggest that marriage is a confining experience somehow. I liken it to being “trapped” in the world’s greatest amusement park. Sure, the only rides you can go on are the ones in the park, but… who’d want to go anywhere else?

43

Incidentally, if I was not sufficiently clear, happily married here. Six years.

I do think though that most married couples are unhappy. I really, truly cannot personally relate to sentiments like “I wish I could spend more time with my friends and away from my spouse” or “I feel trapped” and “She nags me when I go out,” etc. etc. I spend most of my free time with Mrs. RickJay, though that often just means doing errands and sitting around the house, me playing on the computer while she watches decorating shows. No nagging, no bitching. I guess we’re lucky. I don’t feel trapped, but then I’m not exactly sure what it is I’m supposed to be able to have if I didn’t have her. Having sex with other women? Been there, done them.

Like Bricker, I lived fine without my wife, but now that I have her life without her would be terribly empty and sad.

44

Word. Married 15 years next summer, shacked up for 1 before that, happy as clams. People told us when we’d been together a month that we seemed like an old married couple. We just fit. Our rare fights are amazingly trivial and over with quickly because we hate to fight. Our key word is “compromise”: better to have both of us content than one ecstatic over a “victory” and the other unhappy and sulking. We are scary also – very much prefer to do things together.

Some of the stories in this thread are just incredibly sad.

45

Male. Happily married since June 22, 1963.

Here is a survey (PDF).
[ul][li] 5153 couples said they were happily married.[/li][li] 5127 said they were unhappily married.[/ul][/li]:rolleyes:
You do the math.

46

Married 13 years, together 15.

Incredibly stressful life together with kids with multiple disabilities but we are happy together. We fight, we bicker, we’re completely unreasonable at times but overall it is a happy marriage.

Can’t imagine doing this with someone I wasn’t happy with.

47

They need to live longer to spite the other one.

This is a seriously depressing thread.

48

Male, married for almost 5 years to my lady FaerieBeth, together for about 7 1/2.

I have never been happier in my life, and it seems to get better every day. That’s not to say that we don’t have disagreements, but on the whole, there is no one I’d rather be with to do anything, or nothing at all. She is my best friend, and I find it remarkable that this is reciprocated totally. It has ever really occurred to me that I might need ‘space’ or ‘time away’…though I have never felt that I was unable to pursue something because of her. True, a lot of my activities are dictated by my family obligations…but that’s all part of being a family. I get a whole lot more back than I put in.

Of course, we are lucky- we share the same interests and hobbies, have the same sense of humor, and I love to experience the world through her eyes as much as I can. In point of fact, I wish we could spend more time together…even though we freak out most of our friends with our togetherness. We’re always considered the ‘newlyweds’ in our circle of friends…but i think we’ve gotten closer, and the ‘fire’ burns hotter today than it did 5 years ago.

As for the percentage of happy couple…I imagine that there’s a sizable percentage of ‘content’ or ‘apathetic’ couples, but a very small percentage of ‘very happy’ couples, based on my own observations.

I’m always surprised at this though. We’ve gotten past the point of arranged marriages, political marriages, even the need to marry due to pregnancy…The western conception of the Love-match is a beautiful thing to me (lots of arranged marriages in my family). But so many of the married people I know act like they just fell in it. Like, there was nothing else to do, so they grabbed the first person they saw and went to the altar. And then they wonder why they aren’t happy.

49

My husband and I have been happily married 8 years and together for 13. I really want to highlight the above quote. I really wonder how many people discuss these things before marriage. I have seen so many of my friends’ relationships implode because they just weren’t looking at marriage realistically. We discussed how to handle money, what our long term goals were for work, children, travel, life, how we felt household responsibilities should be handled…

Life changes as you live it. We’ve negotiated the changes almost completely without arguments. He’s my best friend and I love being with him. We don’t have dinner at the table together every night and each of us has interests the other doesn’t participate in but this doesn’t mean we don’t like being with eachother. The “Ideal Marriage” alluded to earlier in the thread doesn’t exist. You have to find what works for the two people involved. Then you factor in the kids if you have them (Boy have they changed our lives!) Trying to conform to someone else’s standards is a recipe for disaster.

I know very few people who are happily married. I’ve been wondering if we are the only ones! We’ve talked about this a lot. Many of the unhappy marriages we know are the results of either infidelity or unrealistic expectations. Marriage isn’t all the honeymoon phase!

50

Wow. This thread is a real downer.

Count Cardsfan and I, in the happily married bracket. After 8 years together, we still make each other laugh every single day and are each other’s best friend. I couldn’t imagine staying married to someone I wasn’t happy with. What a drag that must be.

51

Happily married for over 14 years and I can count the number of serious rows we’ve had on one hand. Not only do I not bitch about the spouse, I brag about her. Neener neener neener!

Sure I’d love to spend more time with my friends, but I’d rather spend less time working than less time with the spouse. The problem is time and money, not marriage.

52

Heh, I brag about my own honey too. He’s an electrical engineer! He has his own missle launcher :stuck_out_tongue:

Married for four, together for seven. I, too, wish we could even see more of each other, even though we hardly do anything apart! I swear, I could sit at a desk beside him and work until retirement and not be unhappy. I can seriously see us starting our own business together, working cheek to cheek and leaning on each other and trusting each other completely.

I usually call him a couple of times a day while he is at work because I hear and read and see things that I simply must share with him. We can spend a half hour chatting even though we know in a few short hours we’ll be together.

I know in another thread I said that we fight sometimes because we’re passionate people and need to get those emotions out. However, I was thinking about it last night and realized we haven’t had a “big” argument since August. Our arguments seem to be lessening in frequency. Hopefully someday we’ll have ironed out all the wrinkles and be 99.99% argument-free.

Sometimes when you are in a bad mood about something you cannot imagine that any person feels differently from you. You may interpret your friend’s caviching about his wife’s love of stupid doilies as a major flaw in their marriage. I truly think that a lot of people are happy in their marriages, and the rest are content to be unhappy. I know of only three marriages that are unhappy, but they aren’t going to do anything about it anytime soon because they don’t care enough to change it.

There are tons of things that go into a happy marriage. I can name a few:

You must pick the right person.
You must not then decide “Whew! I’m done!”
You must appreciate them as a person.
You must not have too high expectations. You will disagree on something.
You must compromise.
You must be trustworthy.

Most important to me: you must realize that you will be with this person for the rest of your life. A lot of the time people treat lifetime relationships casually and casual relationships seriously. Do not treat your husband WORSE than you would treat your aquaintances. If you treat him like gold you will have a golden lifetime relationship.

I sound so preachy! Listen to me, the august four year marriage veteran! :stuck_out_tongue:

53

You know, “soul-crushing”, I think might be an apt description, but not necessarily for the same reasons Shagnasty mentions.

Apologies in advance for the length of this, but some background is pertinent to my comments.

I’m on my third marriage. The first was for 11 years. As marriages between 18-year-olds go, it wasn’t bad, and in retrospect I suppose it could have been saved. But the times were different then (late ‘60s/early ‘70s) and permanence wasn’t high on the priority list. We grew up, drifted apart and lapsed into indifference. The breakup was civil – amicable even, and with a daughter to consider, we still were able to work on the issues related to her and act in her best interests.

The second was in 1984. I married a gorgeous woman two years my senior after my being single for about 5 years. She was on the rebound however (not to mention totally nuts), and after only a year, I could see this wasn’t going to work. She was the one who was miserable and depressed, and I offered her an out. She took it as rejection however, and decided to ruin me, financially and emotionally. It took 3 years to finalize a divorce, during which time I was accused of every crime she could fabricate (from mail fraud to attempted rape), and since she had gotten a huge settlement from her ex, she had the resources to run up my expenses. I had to pay off my lawyer in installments.

The third and current marriage, which has endured 12 years, started out blissfully enough. I was mad about her. I would have given her the moon. But things soured for her after about 2 years. I am 10 years her senior and I just turned 55.

After the first year, we decided to have kids and she quit her job to become a stay-at-home mom. This was in the mid ‘90s and times were tough for IT professionals. She was a recently trained programmer and discovered she didn’t like it much, so that was an easy decision for her. I was scrambling for consulting gigs and ended up having to do a 9-month stint in Dallas, “commuting” from New Jersey. She (admitted years later that she) viewed this as abandonment and became distant emotionally. This became the turning point in a downhill slide.

Over the years, I was forced to look far and wide for work, and had another 10-month gig at a distance. Her withdrawal turned into avoidance, and I became more and more bitter.

She has been able to pursue a number of solitary interests, and I’m not the jealous nor controlling type, so I don’t even ask where she’s going or when she’ll be back. For the most part I’m a homebody and I do virtually all the repairs and maintenance. She does her part in running the home, and I do mine.

It’s like having a roommate, or actually more like live-in housekeeper/nanny. I know that sounds harsh, but she’s got a pretty good deal here. I make decent money. She has a cleaning service come in regularly. Laundry/dry cleaning service, yard work service, reasonably new car. A beautiful new house with a pool and all the conveniences. We live in her hometown, so she has a circle of friends and relatives close by. The kids are both in school, so a large part of her day is open. We don’t have a lot of debt, but it pretty much costs what I earn.

Yet she’s angry and critical all the time. We have no common interests any more. We don’t do anything together. There is no “us”.

She confounds me. On one hand, she has rejected me so often that I don’t try any more. In fact, I’m not even interested. I don’t think I even like her any more. She shows no emotion for me, yet she’ll give me the mushiest birthday card imaginable, signed with hugs and kisses.

I work, I spend as much time as I can with the kids and don’t have a lot of free time. I’m not one of those guys who goes fishing, hunting, golfing or whatever, and weekends I do go away, I take the kids. I gave up a lot of my trivial pursuits to give my family what I can.

I however, feel trapped. I feel like I have no options. My future is to work until I die.
I would have left but for the kids. What’s strange is I really didn’t want more kids. But like a guy I know says: “I wouldn’t take a million bucks for them, but I wouldn’t give a nickel for another one”. I know how hard my first breakup was on my older daughter and I can’t do that to them. So I plod through every day. I can’t remember when I was last touched with carnal affection. I’m in a constant state of depression and understand what Shag means about a “soul crushing” existence.

54

Married 22 years. Genuinely happy with the situation. The Ms. is my best friend, along with other things. We have the same values (e.g., we work to live, not vice versa), the same sense of humor, the same priorities. It took a number of years for us to get the personal demons we brought into the marriage wrestled to the ground, but since then it’s been a fairly smooth ride.

Actually, in terms of the marriage, it’s fantastic. The bumps come from the children. I wouldn’t say I wouldn’t do it over again, because I love them, but it’s very painful to watch them struggle with their own demons.

Back to the marriage. We each value our own freedom. The reason we’re happily married is because we each value the other’s, and take pains not to drag the other into things they don’t want to do. Our finances are separate; we each agree to take on certain responsibilities, and what’s left over is discretionary. We share some interests, but others are different, and we allow each other time to pursue them. We have different spiritual needs and beliefs.

I think a lot of the problems in marriages come from each partner thinking the other is some kind of extension of him/herself. We avoid this kind of thinking like the plague that it is.

One night we were lying in bed, and she said, “You know, you’ve given me a good life.” That’s the best thing anybody has ever said to me, probably the best anybody ever will say. How could I not be happy?

55

I wonder how much of our anecdotal evidence, one way or the other, is a “like attracts like” kind of situation. I would call myself happily married, and I also think that most of the marriages I am familiar with (in friends, family and coworkers) are also happy. They have their ups and downs, yes, but overall, they’re happy. I think I am more inclined to see other happy marriages because I am in one. And I think people in unhappy marriages are more inclined to see unhappy ones.

I have never spent any time with a couple who bickered or picked at each other (except in teasing). I know they exist, I simply don’t know any of them.

Anway. Married 4 years, living together 9. Things are stressful as hell at work for both of us, and it leads to some stress on our relationship, but overall, I am so glad to have my husband, just as he is. He’s funny, supportive, smart, and knows how to push all my buttons in every sense. My respect and love for him have only grown over time, and I know I can count on him when I fail as much as I can count on him when I succeed. He is my partner in life. I hope and expect to say the same thing 40 years from now.

56

Very happily married for 21 years.
I could imagine life without him but it sure as shit wouldn’t be as much fun.

57

Do you mean that you interpret other people’s marriage as happy because yours is, or do you mean that you think you end up surrounded by people who are similar to you in some way?

Interesting thought, either way.

Does class have anything to do with happiness in a marriage? Are the middle class more likely to be happily married than the stinking rich, for example?

58

Hubby and I could be counted in BOTH groups. We lived together for about a year before getting married, and then spent the first 7 years of our married life behaving abominably. We were awful. There were some good times, and a few great times, but mostly lousy ones - bicker bicker bicker, pick pick pick, nag nag nag. I used to refer to us as the Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolfe touring company. The only thing that kept us together (and I’m not making this up) was our cat. We actually stayed together for the cat.

Well, the cat died.

And we had to learn to get along. I finally found a good therapist and and dealt with my issues, and quit being a crazy control freak; he got control of his emotions and started listening to me and treating me with love and respect. It took about 5 years of transformation, during which things kept getting better and better. Now it’s almost always wonderful, and when it’s not, I know how to deal with it constructively.

Next spring we’ll celebrate our 17th anniversary, just after our twins’ first birthday. Thank Og they weren’t born during the heinous years.

59

Female, married 10, together 12, extremely happy. Both of us.

Mom and step-dad, 18 years, happy.
Dad and step-mom, 18 years, so-so.
Brother and SIL, 16 years, happy, finally (after many bad years)
SIL and BIL, 20+ years, happy.
co-worker 1, 20+ years, happy.
co-worker 2, recently divorced
co-worker 3, recently divorced
Boss, 15 years, happy.
Neighbor on left, 40+ years, happy
Neighbor on right, recently divorced, but happy in new relationship
Neighbor across street, 15 years, happy as best I can tell
Neighbor diagonally across street, 2 years, getting divorced.

60

The overall theme I see is that the happily married people view their spouses as interesting human beings with their own identities, and the people who are unhappy tend to view their spouses as nothing more than an employee (such as the nanny).

I’d probably be unhappy too if I was forced to live with my housekeeper instead of someone i genuinely liked.