A couple of years ago, I was walking from my car to the grocery store. As I’m crossing the traffic lane, in the crosswalk, a couple of women screech to a halt just in front of me. I glare at them and get to the store sidewalk. Driver leans over passenger and remarks, rather loudly, “I almost hit your ass”. My reply, to the amusment of the other folks in earshot, “It’s so big, I’m surprised you missed.”
It helps this story if you can visualize my actual size. I’m 6’3 and near 400 pounds. The post office wants to give my ass its own zip code.
There’s a weird bloke at work who has taken to calling me Mommy (yes, in full Yank accent even though he’s not even vaguely American).
Yesterday, he bellowed out across the office in his strangely whingey affected voice, “Mommy, my compuuuuuuuuuuter won’t work any more. Come and make it better pleeeeeeeze??” The whole office went completely silent waiting for my response.
I stood up, glowered in his general direction, then yelled back, “ETHAN, YOU WERE THE ABORTION THAT WENT TERRIBLY WRONG”.
Some rude chump gets into an argument with another customer, we are all at a gas station. I’m lol and shaking my head when the chump sees me and says I just took the first available pump. I said the same thing the other person said - there are lots of rude people around here.
The chump had driven past a long line of people and entered the station thru the WELL MARKED exit only / no not enter exit of the gas station.
Chump: So that’s what you think?
Me: I don’t think you care what I think.
Chump: You are right about that.
Me: Of course I’m right! What kind of crack is that supposed to be?
My last one was over MSN with a friend I’ve known for years. It’s natural that we’ll make jabs at each other all the time, so this is pretty typical of a normal exchange between us. He was talking about his ex girlfriend (to quote him, “Oh, I’m not bitter”) and ranting a little bit.
Him:…the lying hooker
Me: Well, standing hookers don’t get much business
Him: Lame. -10 points.
Me: I was only trying to live up to you.
Him: Good burn. 10 points.
I have to mention my favorite of all time though, this was several years ago, with my father’s friend/employee who really enjoys telling jokes any chance he can get. He also likes to rag on people, but he hates getting it in return.
Him: What’s the sharpest thing in the world?
Me: (Without even looking up) I dunno, but it ain’t you.
I found out a few months later the actual punchline to that joke (from his ex-boss, he wouldn’t tell me. In fact, he didn’t even say anything for the rest of that day). “A woman’s tongue.” I got the last laugh twice!
A cow-orker where I used to work was a mildly obnoxious type who reveled in telling off-color jokes. He had a small audience on day, and started in.
MOC: When I started dating my wife, I asked her if she was afraid of heights. Audience: Why? MOC: Because I like my women on top. Me: Oh, I thought it was so she could jump down from your ego.
Coworker, who has been known to burn anything she cooks, managed to make a chicken this weekend that was more than edible, actually good. She went on to tell us about some brownies she made, and said,
Her: “I’ve been doing good ever since I got my…”
Me: “Easy Bake Oven?”
I got it off quick and smooth, and they thought it was hilarious.
I will forever be proudest of the way I once answered a prank phone call.
(me) “Hello”
(obviously teenage girl’s voice, with giggling in the background.) “Wait! Don’t hang up. I just want to fuck you.”
(me) “Well, I’m busy right now. I have to hang up and you’ll just have to go fuck yourself.”
Click!
At work the other day, I accidentally deleted an email instead of reading it. I asked the co-worker to resend it, and had this exchange:
Me: Hey, Ken, can you resend that email? I deleted by mistake. Total brain fart.
Ken: Yeah, and it was a real stinky one, too.
Me: Well, I was thinking about beans.
I love the ones that don’t require a verbal comeback.
There’s this annoying stop sign right near a local supermarket. Most people just slow down, take a look and roll right through it, as I did one summer day. I found a parking spot and went into the supermarket. As I’m standing on line at the checkout, a woman comes up behind me. As I’m paying for my groceries, she says (with heavy sarcasm):
Woman: I just love how you blew me through that stop sign…
Me: :dubious:
Everyone in the checkout starts cracking up. I’m sure she meant to say “I just love how you blew through that stop sign…” but it didn’t exactly come out that way.
I had a fraternity brother from West Virginia. (DISCLAIMER: I LOVE WEST VIRGINIA AND HAVE VACATIONED THERE TWICE). We used to rag on him a bit just for kicks about being from WV and he’d get riled up about it. A few of us were ragging on him about WV when he said the following:
Him: Contrary to popular belief, “Take Me Home Country Road” is not the state song of West Virginia.
Me: Really? What is it, “Drop Kick Me Jesus Through the Goal Posts of Life?”
A younger sister of a good friend got hammered at a party we all went to. She was making flagrant passes at me, but I did the good friend thing and observed the unwritten code adhered to by good buddies everywhere (Sisters are hands-off.) Since she was hammered, she wouldn’t lay off and kept coming onto me, even grabbing my crotch in the bar at one point. I just kept shooting her down.
In the car on the way home, she finally starts to get the message that there is no way in hell I’m hooking up with her.
She: You know you want me. I have the whole Sharon Stone thing going on.
(She did look a lot like Sharon Stone at the time.)
Me: I think you’re mixing up Sharon Stone and Glenn Close.
Everyone in the car starts cracking up because we had just watched “Fatal Attraction” the prior night.
I can’t remember when or where I heard this, but I once heard an argument that went something like this:
#1: “Oh, YEAH? Is THAT what you think?” #2: “I don’t think–I KNOW.” #1: “I don’t think you know, either!”
One day, my four-year-old niece was whining for a drink and my sister, her mother, said, “WHY can’t she just ask for a drink–why does she have to WHINE all the time?” I laughed and said, “She’s just trying to turn whine into water!” That earned a heartfelt groan!
My ex and I were standing in the drinks aisle of the supermarket. He picked up a case of those little “snack size” bottles of water. He thought for a moment, then turned to ask if he should pick up another one. I said, totally deadpan, “Yeah, probably a good idea. The kids go through them like water.”
There was an elderly woman in the aisle ahead of us. My ex declared sourly “That’s not even funny.” The elderly woman looked over her shoulder and said “Oh, yes it was,” and walked away chuckling.
One time I was at McDonalds with a friend around breakfast and she had to wait for a while at the counter for her order of hotcakes (you can see where this is going).
Her: It took forever to get these.
Me: Yeah, I hear they’re selling like … well … you know.
Not the last one, but the first that came to mind…
Was driving with a friend back to my home city, on a more rural road. Looking at the rural sights on the side, she observes a new-looking white-painted wooden fence.
She (indicating the sight): New fence.
Monstre: None taken.
Mom, who has absolutely horrible teeth, went to the dentist yesterday. So the tech is cleaning Mom’s teeth and loosens a filling. The tech moves in closer, takes a long look in Mom’s mouth and says, “There’s something moving in there!”
To which Mom replies, “Well for God’s sake, kill it!”
When I was still active duty, one of my budddies accused me of having smart responses preloaded and ready for use. Guilty as charged.
But I have whipped out ones totally unprepared. This example comes to mind:
A long time ago (1981) in a town far, far away (Pittsburgh) I was sitting in the lobby of Pitt’s chemistry building with a friend (Beth). We were reading the school newspaper, and noted an upcoming lecture by a prominent astronomer: Carl Sagan.
Beth: “Are you going to Dr. Sagan’s lecture?”
Me: “Are you kidding - there’s going to be billions and billions of people there!”
A guy sitting two benches down just started cracking up. I felt very proud.
My wife is a wonderful person, but unfortunately spelling has never been her forte. One evening my daughter (about 16 at the time) asked her Mom some kind of silly question which has been lost to history.
Mom: Do I have “Stupid” written on my forehead?
Daughter: Yes, and it’s spelled wrong!
Long ago, I was in the cast of The Music Man. They were rehearsing the scene in the gym, where the ladies are portraying Grecian Urns:
Play dialog: “One Grecian Urn. Two Grecian Urn.”
The rehearsal stops. One of the ladies blurts out, “What’s a Grecian Urn?”
I walked on stage and said, “About a buck and a half an hour.”
My youngest got me good when he was about seventeen. He had just given me a totally lame excuse for something he hadn’t done and was expecting me to swallow it. It was just completely insulting that he would think I’d by an excuse that lame. I put my hands on my hips and demanded: “What kind of fool do you think I am?”
He deadpanned: “Mom, does the kind really matter?”
