Heh. I guess that’s true. I do wonder what they mean by that, though.
•Sixty-nine percent of all arguments between you and your partner will never be resolved. So don’t try so hard.
I don’t know about the exact number, but yeah. There will always, always be a certain amount of stuff you fundamentally and irreconcilably disagree about. The vast majority of those things are things that don’t deeply and fundamentally matter to one or both of you, so continuing to argue about them is stupid and damaging. This is one of those times when just letting it go is better than talking the issue to death.
•A couple that doesn’t fight is in trouble.
Depends on how you define “fight.” If you define it as screaming and hitting, the exact opposite is true imo. If you define it as arguing…well, probably. A couple who acts like the Buddy Bears is probably not really communicating their feelings to each other, or else suppressing their feelings for the sake of agreement to an unhealthy degree.
•Having a “good enough” marriage is the most couples can expect and is actually quite an accomplishment.
Yeah, I can buy that. The most miserable people I know are the ones who “this is pretty good, but it isn’t perfect and is therefore unacceptable” some major aspect of their lives. The happiest people I know are the ones who accept and embrace the goodness of major aspects of their lives that are imperfect, but still good. The perfect relationship is like the perfect partner–a figment of your goddamn imagination. A “good-enough” marriage that is embraced and celebrated as good is a hell of a lot happier and more satisfying than an above-average relationship that is being picked to death for not being better.
•Letting go is sometimes better than discussing everything to death.
Yes. See the first point.
•Respect, not sex or money, is the most important factor in a happy marriage.
You bet your ass. If you both like and respect each other, you can work something out re: sex and money. If one or both of you doesn’t like and respect the other person, no amount of sex or money is going to make either of you happy.
•There are marital breaches worse than an affair.
I don’t know about worse, but there are certainly other types of disloyalty that are just as devastating for a marriage.
•A therapist cannot teach, train, or guide you to “be happy.” That is not a reasonable outcome to expect from therapy.
Seems reasonable enough. My understanding is that therapy is supposed to be a way for you to build up tools to make yourself happy. Or at least satisfied.
Repeated physical or emotional abuse is the first thing that comes to mind.
The 69% thing is based on research by Dr. John Gottman - he talks about it here and in some of his books.
Some of the other points are loosely based on some of Gottman’s other points - the “good enough” marriage, the respect issue (in that Contempt - the opposite of respect - is one of his Four Horsemen for marriage), etc.
(Full disclosure: I work for a Gottman organization.)
Having an affair with her brother.
My take:
*
•Sixty-nine percent of all arguments between you and your partner will never be resolved. So don’t try so hard.* False. Maybe true if you’re to the point where marriage counseling is your last-ditch effort to save a sinking ship, but for everyone else, and especially those with mature negotiating and communications skills, it’s no where near this high.
•A couple that doesn’t fight is in trouble. True, though I will add that the people involved need to know how to “fight” productively – that is, arguing is to be expected, but an argument on the level of a real fight is a sign of trouble.
•Having a “good enough” marriage is the most couples can expect and is actually quite an accomplishment. Only if you’re lazy and not particularly committed to your relationship (and the work it requires). Again, good communication skills are vital.
•Letting go is sometimes better than discussing everything to death. True.
•Respect, not sex or money, is the most important factor in a happy marriage. True, with the caveat that respect is the foundation of good sex and a mutually agreeable method of handling finances, so it’s not like these are entirely separate things. They’re intimately interconnected.
•There are marital breaches worse than an affair. False, because marital breaches require dishonesty, and the root of what makes an affair cheating is the dishonesty. There’s nothing worse than violating the trust of a relationship, because without trust there is no relationship. (There may be breaches AS bad as an affair, but you can’t top the dishonesty.)
•A therapist cannot teach, train, or guide you to “be happy.” That is not a reasonable outcome to expect from therapy. True. They can give you tools, give you guidelines how to use them, but actually using them is up to you.
Most of what I wanted to say has been covered, but this:
•Having a “good enough” marriage is the most couples can expect and is actually quite an accomplishment.
is so vague and unquantifiable as to be completely useless, even as a topic of discussion. What is a “good enough” marriage? How can you tell when your marriage is better than good enough? If it’s not good enough, then presumably you’re not married anymore, or almost there. I would describe my marriage, for example, as “good” or “great” or “really good” - do all of those just mean “good enough”? Am I kidding myself, according to whatever wisdom this is supposed to be?