You’ve only been dating for three weeks, and he’s offered to get a vasectomy? It may indeed be the right point in his life to do so, if he’s reaching that decision independently. If he’s essentially offering to do it as something that he would do for this relationship, though, I guess it seems to me to be kind of early. Along the lines of saying “I love you” too soon, if you know what I mean.
He didn’t offer; I told him I was not on birth control because my ex had had a vasectomy, and I had not slept with anyone since then, so there was no need to take pills, etc. up until now. He then said he’d be willing to consider a V, but I told him the same thing as you - if he wanted to do it for himself, that’s fine (I know he does not want any more children for sure, he’s 50 and his kids are grown), but that he shouldn’t do it for me (although it would solve that problem for him going forward, even after we stop dating).
But you’re right, Tom Tildrum, it is early in the relationship, I actually had another thread going about his overly enthusiastic behavior. I keep waiting for him to do some couch-jumping a la Tom Cruise. He’s still overly enthusiastic about me, but I"m very cautious, so I’m the voice of reason here and I’m trying to keep him in line.
Understood, and that all sounds reasonable. I know you’re trying to paint us a whole picture here, and I didn’t want to be the guy who hijacks the thread onto one detail. It sounds like one remark that need not be blown up into anything larger, out of context.
But if he starts talking about cutting off his ear for you, that would be a red flag. 
Definitely ask him for it, early on in your next date. IF he’s as eager as you say he is, then he’ll make a note of it, have fun with you, and make the appointment with his doc the next day. Ask him specifically to get a blood test for herpes and HIV, as well as the other culture tests.
Good luck, have fun!
It would be perfectly reasonable to ask him to be tested if you intend to go au natural with him. If you don’t then it would be asking a bit much.
Why so? I know that at least herpes and HPV can be transmitted even when using condoms. Condoms do help, but any skin-to-skin contact can transmit the infection.
I recently started a new sexual relationship (I keep fighting the urge to start a thread about it). Early on, we discussed the likelihood of either of us having an STD. The odds were quite low. I volunteered to get tested just to be on the safe side. She said it was unnecessary, especially as we would be using condoms anyway- she doesn’t want me accidentally impregnating her.
If you are mature adults and the relationship is meaningful to both of you, there’s no reason to feel strange having this conversation. Entrance to your body is a privilege. It bears certain responsibilities. These include getting tested and wearing a condom if asked.
It should be mentioned too Divine, that lots of us have had the discussion before becoming intimate, we’re not just saying that you should. I certainly have, and it involves sitting down (at one of your homes, his boat, etc, just not in public) and you calmly saying what you want to happen (eg culture and blood testing). I’m 23, and the world to me has always had HIV lurking around every naked corner, and 25% of people 18-25 have had an STD. That’s an insane amount, and I didn’t want to be one. All of my friends have had the discussion before becoming intimate; you have nothing at all to worry about by making it firm what you want.
Also go with the blood test, for both of you - a dear friend of mine has herpes because she and her boyfriend at the time were tested (culture tested and HIV) and were both clean, but he had no symptoms of herpes until he’d already given them to her.
A blood test is not a fool proof method of detecting herpes in a male, FYI (or even close to being accurate if he’s not having an outbreak).
Ah, I did not know that Munch. Jeez, really makes the whole sleeping with someone a gamble. You really do sleep with whoever they’ve slept with…
Eh - if they’re not having an outbreak, chances of transmittal are REALLY low, especially if you use a condom. And if they’re having an outbreak, you’ll know.
Blood tests are actually pretty reliable. Of course, there’s always a possibility of a false positive or a false negative with any test, but generally, after 12 to 16 weeks of exposure, you have enough antibodies in your blood to be detectable. And, Munch, if a female has herpes lesions inside her vaginal canal, how would you see them? Do you get up in there with a flashlight as foreplay?
I wasn’t talking about female genital herpes, Alice.
Also, I’d like a cite for your claim that blood tests are reliable for herpes, in both men and women. Everything I’ve read says the opposite.
The blood test doesn’t tell you if you have an active infection, no. But it does tell if you’ve been exposed, and have produced the antibodies.
As a widow going on 2.5 yrs now, I don’t consider it at ALL unreasonable to require evidence of sexual health before unprotected (or even “protected”, since such is not always foolproof…I have an 18 yr old son as evidence that condoms DO, sometimes, break :D) sex.
First time around, with my late partner of 23 yrs, we used condoms until I got on the pill (which I ened up only using for 9 mths or so, as it didn’t agree with me) but never gave a thought to getting tested for anything.
I was a virgin, he’d had a few other partners…i guess 1985 was a bit more of a naive time, eh? (or we were just young and stupid or both :p)
There is no doubt in my mind that we were both 100% monogamous, but even that doesn’t preclude an infection having been passed on, I guess. I hear some NEVER have an outbreak of herpes, for example…for all I know, he could have had it and passed it on to me, both of us being asymptomatic. I doubt it, but possible.
After his death, it was discovered that he had hepC…totally asymptomatic and discovered during tissue testing for donation. I know exactly when and where he got it; he told me early on that he’d spent 6 mths or so shooting up cocaine not long before we met, during a very bad time for him following a breakup. (a sister of his was diagnosed with it yrs ago and was involved in that shit at the same time)
I was completely freaked out when I found this out (not the least reason being the rather scary letter they sent me recomending that I and every other casual contact get tested immediately…OMG!), and assumed, “Well, of COURSE I fucking HAVE IT! Over 20 yrs of frequent, unprotected sex?” But when I called my local county agency which does HIV and hepC testing, both people I spoke with said that they don’t even DO testing of sexual contacts for hepC due to the risk being so low…they said I could have it done through a private Dr., but warned me that the results of sexual contacts often come back positive, indicating only antibodies in response to contact and not infection, and that I would need to demand a re-test with another, more precise method.
I asked, “what about possible transmission due to maybe having, at some point or other, shared a toothbrush or razor?” (in 23 yrs, bound to have happened, though I can’t recall any specific example) and was told the risk was even lower than through sex.
When I looked up info from the CDC, I found that they say the estimated risk of sexual transmission after “a lifetime of unprotected sex” is between 1 and 3%, and they do not even advise the use of condoms with an infected and uninfected partner.
I have yet to get tested, but certainly will include this info when I DO before taking another sexual partner and get tested if the Dr. considers it warranted. And will expect the same from him…nowadays, I gather it is perfectly reasonable and expected to both get checked out before entering into a sexual relationship (one another;)) But WTF do I know, having only had one sexual partner and last “dating”, as in taking a new sexual partner, a quarter of a century ago. :smack:
I’m also still dealing with the risk of pregnancy (at 44.5 and still as regular as clockwork, but not so sure I would still trust the fertility awareness method we used for most of our time together with such success) and not into hormonal or most mechanical forms of birth control OR abdominal surgery, so I imagine condoms will factor into any such contact regardless for the foreseeable future.
Anyway, not trying to hijack :o Just struck a chord and for me. Herpes doesn’t really scare me that much…yes, I’d LOVE to never have to deal with it, but considering that an estimated 25% of adults in the US are infected, many unaware of the fact, it’s not the end of the world…most are chronically infected with the similar virus which causes cold sores, and ok, so they deal with the rare outbreak and move on.
So when you do this and he says he got tested do you ask him for papers for proof?
And as I said, everything I’ve read says that test is extremely unreliable, producing a large number of false negatives. Do you have a cite handy that show’s differently? It would certainly aid the OP’s inquiry.
Don’t worry about etiquette, if he is like me or any other man that I know, most of us will be willing to do anything to avoid condoms.
My loathing of condoms may be more extreme than others but getting tested for STD’s is a small inconvenience compared to having me wear the blasted things.
So at 47 with proof that I’m clean and having had a vasectomy long ago riding bareback should be no problem for the ladies, right? Nope, not always.
About 4 months ago a woman I was seeing still insisted that I wear a condom. That relationship didn’t last long.
Fuck that, there is always going to be some risk involved with sex and I’m too old to be messing around with condoms. Plus for me it completely kills the mood, aka: boner killer. 