Why do people *want* to have kids?

In My Humble Opinion
21

Hillary was right in concept even if debatable in execution.

I don’t have children of my own body because implacable physical realities. Who can know what adjustments happen later? Sometimes the answer is “no” before you even dreamed of asking the question.

But NOBODY lives in a childless universe. Every single damned one of us are kids that someone–or many ones–nurtered along. Even if it wasn’t enough or just right, every child is another chance. The question becomes who’s gonna take up slack, fill in, somehow BE THERE for kids?

Children are messy, demanding, aggravating, fun and joyous. If given a fair shot and welcomed with an open mind they remind us–forcibly–of beginnings. They’re primal US, but with a crucial difference. They’re posssibilies, chances to nuture brand new people differently.

Children are gifts, always. They need as many strong-minded, flexible, warm-hearted folks going. Children aren’t burdens; they’re brand new chances. Don’t want one full time, personal history ain’t dealin’ that? No problem. Kind adults are always needed Smile. Play, calm, talk, tell stories or just listen.

NO responsible, aware person rejects children any more than old people. You were, you will be.

Veb

22

Then there’s days like today. :smiley:

Took the family shopping. JC Penney was having a kick-butt sale, and the kids need some clothes. My stepson (the Timinator–thanks, DAVEW0071!) is living with us right now, and he especially needed some new things. So we stocked up. Got the Dianasaur and Johnzilla some stuff, too.

The Timinator is a good kid. He’s eight, and been through some rough stuff recently. I’ve never had a problem with him, ever, in the six years his dad and I have been together. The kids behaved beautifully at the store.

Then we get home, pop in some Disney movies, and the Timinator asks if he can have some of his Halloween candy. I’m okay with that. He starts looking through his bag, for some dollars he’d gotten. Then he starts pulling out the stuff he doesn’t like. Well, guess what I’d forgotten? He’s not a big fan of chocolate.

He says to me “Thanks for buying me those clothes today. Here. You want my chocolate?” It’s the good stuff, too–Milky Ways, Three Musketeers, Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups, and Tootsie Rolls. The stuff I freaking love, and he knows it. This is a wonderful kid. He didn’t just give me his candy because he doesn’t like it. If that were the case, he could have given it to his sister and brother. He gave it to me because he knows I like it, and I bought cool stuff for him today. He was paying me back. I thought I’d cry.

Oh, and then there’s his money. He’s got a little–$26, to be exact. A $20 birthday gift from Grandma & Grandpa, a dollar from the Tooth Fairy (he lost a tooth last week), a couple dollars from Halloween, and a couple that he’s earned helping out around here. He’s saving it. Not to buy smething for himself, though. He’s living with us right now because his mom has currently fallen into a very difficult time. She’s homeless, jobless, and has no money. She’s got two other kids besides my stepson, and they’re currently living with their dad in Indiana. My stepson is saving his money to give to his mom, to help her get back on her feet.

Parenting is hard work. But I’ll be damned if kids like my stepson don’t make every minute of it totally worth it. Totally.

23

A couple of weeks ago a co-worker brought her 2-year-old son. He is an adorable little boy. Extremely talkative, extremely active, quite a handful. He took to me almost immediately and we had a great time. But at the end of the day, I was very glad he was going home with his mom, and not with me.
So, I agree with TVeblen. The kid may not remember me the next day, but that we had a lot of fun, and he smiled and laughed a lot. I think little things like that mean a lot.

24

And the make great servants!

25

Fact #1: My kids drive me nuts, and have done so with distressing frequency, ever since I got pregnant the first time.

Fact #2: I wouldn’t have missed it for the world.

“Parenthood”–it’s a blast. Accept no imitations. :smiley:

But, make sure you have money in the bank first, 'cause it sure helps. A good rule of thumb that I read in a women’s magazine way back in the 70s was our guideline: have $3,000 in the bank before you get pregnant. They were absolutely right, bless their little coupon-clipping hearts.

Tell that to J, when he starts rhapsodizing about the patter of little feet. :wink:

And–can I say this without sounding patronizing?–you’re young, Pepper. You’ve got oodles of time to think about this. I was 29 when The Cat Who Walks Alone was born. Your biological clock ain’t even been wound up yet, babe, let alone begun to tick. Relax, enjoy life, enjoy your husband. If and when the two of you do decide to have kids, it’ll be the bonds of friendship and teamwork that you’re forming now that will carry you through pregnancy, labor, delivery, 2 a.m. feedings, chicken pox all around, and the first driver’s license.

And, it is a proven scientific fact that only a Two’s mother can appreciate a Two. Don’t feel even the slightest bit guilty that you were relieved to see the back of the cute lil tyke. That doesn’t make you a “child hater”, it just makes you a normal human being with a normal human being’s fairly low tolerance for endless uproar. Only the Mother of a Two can handle the “uproar level” of the Two, and even then, on some days, it’s a challenge.

Which is why God created Daddies. :smiley:

[sub]actual conversation, repeated many times:
“Oh, good, you’re home. Here, she’s your daughter, too, you take her, I’m going upstairs…”
sound of exhausted footsteps trudging upstairs
sound of bedroom door closing quietly but definitely[/sub]

26

Who do you think winds them up? :wink:

27

Me too. Thanks for sharing Persephone!

Regardless of the bad times, we are programmed to most remember the good moments, which helps everything keep its balance.

28

And guess where all life comes from? Guess what gives rise to some of the most beautiful things in the entire world? Yup, nasty, icky, messy little bratty kids!

Try to remember that you were once one too. Do you recall the incredible beauty of seeing something for the first time? Do you remember the pure joy of having learned a new song? Do you still hold in your heart the ecstasy of achievement, be it reading a new book or just learning to ride your bicycle without training wheels?

That’s what it’s all about. Bringing joy into this world in the form of pure innocent beings known as children. I’m looking forward to having a few of my own someday. I have always loved children and they have always loved me too. Retaining the ability to play and to see the world anew is more than enough reason. Friends of mine have already told me what a doting father I will be. And you know what? They’re right! I can’t imagine a life without all of the love that a child will summon forth from me. I can’t even begin to think of missing out on all of the full diapers, puking little mouths and whining voices keeping me up at night. Why? Because I’ll know that when the day is done I will have shared in something that goes well beyond me and the world I inhabit.

The chance to teach my child to play any one of the dozen different musical instruments that I play will be payment enough. The chance to read “Rascal” or “The Singing Tree” or “Winnie the Pooh” to my children will make up for so many of the sleepless nights that I can’t wait for the glazed look in my eyes after staying up until three in the morning with a colicky baby. Why? Because I can’t imagine much else in life that could possibly be more fun than having children. (Except maybe practicing at making them!)

Pepperlandgirl, you are certainly entitled to your own views on the subject, but I will say that I feel kind of sorry for you. You have always come across as a kind and decent person. I almost feel sad that you have no desire to know what a child can bring into your life. I know that mine will elicit from me some of the finest deeds and most worthy acts I can possibly imagine.

29

But do you feel any sort of sexual urges? Or how about simply attraction to the opposite sex? It’s all in the same evolutionary boat… not so long ago the impulse to fuck went hand in hand with procreation.

Besides… aren’t those babies in costumes adorable?

30

“Selfishness”? Man, that doesn’t compute in MY world.

You can count on a LOT of sacrifice when you become a parent (Lucretia and I have three, all healthy, happy and smart). Double that every time you have another, and double it again if there are any major problems. But that’s why it works. The sacrifice IS the benefit.

This may be a little too metaphysical for some of you, but I think Granny was right when she told us that doing something hard, and doing it well, made you a better person. Self-control and deferred gratification are virtues, and they teach you other virtues, and little by little, you become a better person. Over time, you begin to realize that parenting is teaching you that the point is to raise children that are better than you are yourself, and you’re getting better evey day.

That’s why I like to say that parents raise children, and children elevate parents. I am so far away from the person I was, back when Lucretia and I were faced with a crisis pregnancy. I was convinced I couldn’t do it, that I was an immature kid myself, and I had no business trying to fake my way through daddyhood. I was terrified. But I did rise to it.

I am better now than I was then. My children have “raised” me, just as surely as I have raised them. We didn’t plan the first one, and there have been some pregnancies that weren’t exactly perfect timing, but the fact is, I have been incredibly blessed by my children.

So, NO, I didn’t have my children to take care of me in my old age. I didn’t have 'em to feed my ego. I didn’t have 'em for ME, at all. But I sure have benefitted from them, and I hope they’ve gotten something from me, too.

Selfish? Maybe some people can make that theory work, but I can’t see it.

31

In part, I know that people (and women in particular) in many cases have kids intentionally because that’s the only thing in life that they haven’t done, and is bound to keep them busy, so that they won’t notice their lives are so very tedious. I suppose it’s as good a reason as any.

For men, there is of course the biological impulse to spread your seed far and wide so that you can dominate the jungle, if not in life, then through later generations.

32

I plan to have lots of children. But my Home Cloning Kit (from Ronco) keeps breaking down.

33

Thank you everybody for the replies. I appreciate it.
Jaime doesn’t want to have child right now, not even in the next five years. He just wants the assurance that some day we will have kids. I could just say, “Ok dear, we’ll have one eventually,” to shut him up, but I don’t want to do that. I don’t want to make promises, get his hopes up, that I can’t keep.

34

It doesn’t need to be better, necessarily, just more and different.

35

I want to have kids because I pretty much have always wanted to be a parent. Logically, its for the simple reason that I’m picky about other people’s parenting. My standards for good parenting are very high. I watch my parents do something and I’ll think “That’s not right, that’s not a good parent act, that won’t make good adults from your children.”

I know I can do better than many of the yahoos who do have kids. Its not quite a moral imperative, but its a good start. (And I have good genes. If people like me don’t make kids where will all the smart, tall blondes come from for the next generation?)

Beyond logic, its an emotional knowledge. I want to be a mother. Its part of who I am, a hunger, a want. I need to support people, as individuals and as a society, and part of that is being a good parent.

That said, I’m not impatient about it. It’ll happen. Just not any time soon.

For you, tell your love that you don’t know, but you haven’t ruled it out.

36

I never never ever want kids. Partly because I’m too independent and the thought of taking care of another human being for 18 years scares (and bores) me. Hell, it’s hard enough to remember to water my damn plant! Secondly, I’m afraid I’d turn into my mother, which I probably would. I usually cover these reasons up by my cynical, “Kids are so annoying!” rant, but those are the real reasons.

37

I barely resisted quoting your whole post, but this wee snippet is enough to justify the standing ovation I’m giving you I’ve been feeling this for years, but I’ll be damned if I can say it as well as you just did. Someone crossstitch this whole post of Veb’s and frame it for me.

38

What’s that got to do with it? I’ve been ill too & I expect I will be again, but that doesn’t mean I would want to take the germs home with me & spend quality time together. Just because you have been something does not mean that you naturally get along well with it.

39

Y’know, I’ve felt my own opinions change so much over the past few years. I’m 33, a gay man living in one of the world’s gayest neighborhoods - as child-free an existence as anyone could imagine short of joining a cloister. In ten years I’ve gone from oh-god-get-them-AWAY-from-me! to “Y’know, I could raise a child if Tracy and John were in a horrible accident.”

I still don’t want children of my own, but damned if I don’t want to be the most involved uncle around.

I think part of what happens as we grow older is that we become more forgiving not only of ourselves but of others. I remember a small moment of clarity, when I was riding an airplane with a crying child - which in my 25-year-old mind I’d always assumed would be its own circle of hell. But for whatever reason, instead of seething and cursing inwardly, I looked over and realized the poor kid had an earache. And at that point I just sympathized with baby and parents, and chilled.

The fact that you don’t want children now - or even in the next few years - is a good thing. But leave your options open, y’know?

40

My only advice to you pepperlandgirl is to be honest with your hubby. If you feel emphatic that you won’t ever want kids, then tell him that. As his life partner, you owe the total honesty. If you feel like maybe someday, then tell him that. Make no promises that you will eventually, but rather that when he feels ready (or you do) that the two of you will discuss it again.

As for myself, I have a 3-year-old. Why did I do it? Because I think raising a child is the most rewarding experience you can give yourself. That’s not to say it’s easy, any parent will tell you it’s not, but it truly is a wonderful thing (for the right person(s)).