This is a good idea. Thank you.
ETA - for anyone questioning: this is not a matter of dad wanting one thing and me overruling him. We are putting our cards on the table and trying to make a decision. However, he has given me ultimate veto power since he has shown a remarkable lack of decision making ability in the past.
I dunno, I guess I’m on the fence about this one. I’d avoid it as much as possible until he asks. Kids have a tendency to surprise you as to what they are ready for or have already perceived. My main concern is that my 7 yo might internalize it as my dad’s done something bad–>I’m just like dad–>I’m bad too. He’s a little sensitive that way. (I have 3 boys, ages 11, 7 and 8)
You don’t say. 
I also like the idea of him being the one to “tell” your son, with you there for support and hugs and explanations, of course.
I think it’s important to be truthful. Family secrets tend to make everyone wonky. I vote for truthful on an age appropriate level and I like the idea of having the dad explain via letter.
I like the letter from dad idea as well. Given dad’s history, I think I’d want veto rights on the actual letter (or at least the right to read the letter before I handed it over to the kid), but letting dad’s side of the story be the kid’s first source of information makes sense to me.
Not only adults, it’s the other kids I’d worry about, peer pressure can be very cruel. I do think the boy needs to know though, and the idea of learning about it through a letter from his father sounds like the best way to handle a bad situation. Kids do tend to accept guilt for the actions of their parents and I would suggest that the father’s letter include an apology for letting the kid down, a promise not to do it again, and also stressing that the father is responsible and no one else.
Boy am I glad to have found this thread. My six-year old’s bio-dad was recently sent to prison with an earliest release date in 10 years’ time. It was for sexual abuse of one female victim.
I’ve been following his lead in terms of the information I provide. So far he knows his dad is away and is unable to come and visit even though he would love to very much. We are receiving letters (which I pre-read) and I have read one to him so far which was thankfully very appropriate.
I know the time is coming up fast though when I will have to tell him more of the truth. I have pre-screened him for his idea of prison and it’s not such a bad place in his mind; not fun but you get fed sort of thing. Depending on what his understanding of prison was would have determined to some extent whether or not he would need to visit sooner rather than later.
I also know that once I tell him where his dad is, he’ll likely ask why he’s there. That’s the part I was struggling with. There is no way to explain that appropriately and will be challenging for him to reconcile as he gets older and learns about it. For now, I like the idea of telling him that his dad committed an adult crime and has to spend a long time making up for that.
What I really don’t want is my son thinking that if he does something bad, that he could go to prison for it. I have to figure out how to make the distinction for him. The word “adult” might be the key.
The idea of visiting is horrible to me right now. My son’s dad is pushing for a visit but this is not about him and what would make him feel better. It’s about carefully helping my son navigate this difficult live event. This sucks.
Verry sorry to hear about your situation.
Don’t feel bad if the folks who posted before don’t respond, it’s been 5 years and many of them may not be with us any more.
All I can say is that you need to do what is best for your child. I would personally go with something like “Daddy can’t be with us now”, that’s about the level of understanding a 6 year old has.
I personally would not say anything negative to your child about the father. At 6 they’re just not ready and frankly if he really is a jackass your child will figure it out.
I’m really sorry you’re in a bad place right now; You’re not alone, reach out to friends and family for help.
A friend of mine was banged up for five years for drugs offences. Surprised the Hell out of the rest of us. But absolutely mortified his 6 year old son who was subject to all typical school bullying about his bad dad in the papers and in gaol and that was where he would end up too.
Poor little guy lost weight, lost confidence, regressed back to bed wetting and had a pretty traumatic time of it. Had to change schools at the end.
He didn’t need to pay for his stupid father’s crimes. I tend to agree with your own maternal gut feeling. He doesn’t need to know at this time
You also need to remember that he will probably talk to his friends - and if he mentions it then the other parents can be very strange indeed.
It is, of course, your call… but when are you planning to tell him? It sounds like dad may be in jail a long, long time. Sooner or later, if you don’t tell him someone else will. Maybe someone already has.
The advantage to YOU doing it is that you have some control over how he finds out and you can offer support and so on. The downside is that it can be hard for adults to deal with “my dad is in jail”, much less a six year old.
Do you prefer he find out from you, in a manner you can control, or though the grapevine via who knows what kind of rumors?
This is a time to introduce notions like “even good people make mistakes”. Sometimes, it’s a really bad mistake, but that doesn’t make them bad people, it makes them a person who did something bad. It’s OK and proper to love a family member who does something wrong, even if what he did wasn’t OK.
Also agree that you should tell him that this is not something to share with others. It’s a family thing. And if he has questions or wants to talk about it he should come to you.
If he can keep in contact with his dad via letters or even a visit that would probably be good for BOTH of them, you know.
I was 7 when my mom told me “daddy isn’t coming back for awhile.” Even when I went to visit him in prison I didn’t figure out what prison was. It was never explained to me and fucked with my head looking back. Explain to him what prison is, and that his father isn’t a bad man, just made some poor choices.
Be honest with the kid. It seems obvious that this is probably gonna be a lifelong pattern for this guy, so why not set it straight with the child now, so he doesn’t grow to idolize this scumbag by deceiving him about the truth of his lifestyle. My daughters father was/is the same…IMo it is better to lay it out there now, instead of making excuses and covering up for his behavior for the kids lifetime. That way he will know what to expect, and not be continuously disappointed by his “absenses”. Sad, but true…
Yoiks - I didn’t realize this was resurrected. Never mind.
I know it’s a zombie, but for Kalinomad:
I would definitely tell the kid. Remember, as far as little kids are concerned, their parents are all-powerful - so if Dad’s simply not around, then the kid will assume that it’s because he doesn’t want to be, and that’s pretty hurtful. If he knows that Daddy hurt someone, so he has to go to the grownup version of the thinking corner (or whatever you guys have), then it means that Daddy’s away because he has to be, not because he wants to be.
It also makes it clear that jail is for grownups, not kids, so he won’t worry about going there if he throws food or whatever.
As far as the specific crime goes, I’d be saying ‘Daddy hurt someone’ and refusing to go into details. I’d also be explaining that this is nobody’s business except the family’s. Six is plenty old enough to understand basic privacy.
I am against this 100%. “Hey, we’re going to see daddy! Yay!”
“UH, why is he being pepper sprayed by those men in the Cool Uniforms?”
etc…etc…
Just tell the kid. IIRC, my father was in jail for DUI when I was about that age. That didn’t traumatize me. (His other antics were what did it!)
I can only wonder how many of son’s cohorts are in the same situation!
Good luck on this one.
This is pretty much the advice I would give. 6 is old enough to start to absorb some big truths. And children do remember and resent lies told to them, even if those lies are meant to be harmless or protective.
nemmine,
just saw the zombie.
I grew up with my father completely out of my life. We did hear news about him from other relatives, though - he was in and out of jail a lot.
There was NFW I was telling anyone that my dad was in prison. I’m not sure where some of you are getting the idea that kids tend to blab stuff like that. Why not just go to school wearing a sign that says “judge me?”
Does the prison offer any possibility of making a video call?
Also, whenever a kid goes to school or to a hospital, there are all these books you can read so the kid will know what to expect. I wondered if there was anything of that kind for kids. And there is! Here’s a book for the 5-8 year olds. The author also has a book to facilitate the " talk" saying there are 1 in every fifty kids who have a parent in jail. I think kids have a really bad image for a jail from all the action movies, dungeons and other sorts of tv drama. They might benefit from an realistic image of what every day life in jail is.