That was what got me out of my abusive relationship. One of the first thing an abuser does is isolate his victim from her friends and family. Without contact with “normalcy,” it is easier to believe that his behavior is “not that bad, really.” She’s been mentally dependant on him for so long, that she’ll feel unstable without him. Abusers demand access to and control over every aspect of your thoughts.
Every supportive person she knows will help to stabilize her while she finds herself again (and that is literally what it felt like to me- finding myself).
My (totally unsolicited) advice? Don’t lecture her about her relationship. Don’t sympathize with her about her relationship. Don’t talk about it at all. Talk about her interests before the jerk (which I’m assuming she’s since abandonded), or anything else that doens’t include him. Show her that she has a self separate from him, and that it is a valid and worthy self. If she can see that, she’s halfway there already.
b]Phlosphr**, since you have your doctorate in psychology and are a professor, I’m baffled that her behavior would be a surprise to you or that your professional training hasn’t made you aware of what course to follow.
It is not always the end, for even for those who leave there is still a significant risk of further serious violence or death if there was serious violence prior to leaving. That is why shelters for abused women are extremely careful to keep low profiles.
That being said, however, there is a far greater risk of serious violence or death if a woman already subject to serious violence remains with her spouse. I can’t stress this enough.
In other words, the best thing a seriously abused woman can do to make her life far safer is to get to a shelter for abused women ASAP, even though that is not a 100% guarantee of safety.
You can’t make them go though. They have to gather their strength, and courage, and take themselves there. You can let them know you’ll be around if they need someone to lean on to get their bearings, while they are doing so though. You can’t make them do these things, they have to be proactive on their own. That’s the rub of it. The very best thing an “outsider” in something like this can do, is let the person know (if the outsider is willing and able) that they will help when called, meanwhile offering emotional/spiritual support. The people who are abused (by the time it’s apparent to “strangers”) are often so beat down in spirit, that it’s hard for them to remember they have any worth at all. I speak from experience.
Restraining orders are pretty good at separating the abusers who are not able to control their anger when they are in the company of their spouse, from the really twisted ones who are into stalking but may or may not be particularly violent.
The ones who blow their tops around their spouses usually think clearly enough when they are not around their spouse to obey the restraining order. Restraining orders don’t seem to have too much effect on the stalkers, who are so intensely wrapped up in their feelings for their spouse that they really don’t think straight. God help the woman who is being stalked by a spouse if that spouse is prone to violence.
One thing abused women’s shelters are very good at is teaching strategies for dealing with stalkers, and in particular violent stalkers. Advice and counselling from shelter outreach programs can often help women begin to protect themselves while they are coming to terms with their situation.
If I may contribute my two cents, this woman may be thinking she’s going to have to move her stuff out on her own, without any help. Let her know that’s not the case. If you know any large, intimidating-looking men, or if you happen to be one yourself, enlist their help and let her know their available. Have lunch with them and her or otherwise find a way to help her. Actually, “intimidating-looking” isn’t strictly necessary, nor, come to think of it, is “large.” If you like, tell her it’s a “Moving Party” and have enough people around to keep it festive-looking and efficient until and unless the lout shows up. I’d also make sure law enforcement knows what’s happening and is on hand.
Does she belong to a church which she can go to alone? Does she have family she’s on good terms with near enough to help? There might be people standing by until she’s ready to leave who are more than willing to help. Remind her of them. One thing I’ve learned sorting out problems in my own life is that I have far more resources to draw on than I ever dreamed of. Hell, I figure if I did wind up in an abusive relationship, a simple shout out here would draw quite a bit of help and support.
Remind her she doesn’t have to go through this alone. She’s got people willing to stand behind her, including perfect strangers who don’t think anyone should have to go through this. If I were closer to Connecticut, I’d be in myself, and I can do heavy lifting as well as the odd bit of intimidating. I’ve also got access to a large friend, although he has an SUV, not a pick up truck, and he has been on call for this sort of thing before.
She doesn’t have to do this alone and, regardless of what she may think or what he may have told her, I doubt she’s as worthless a human being as she thinks she is. One lesson I’ve had to learn the hard way is I do deserve help and it’s okay to ask for help when I need it. There are people who are willing and able to help, but they can’t do that if they don’t know or if the person’s unwilling to accept their help. There are genuinely good people in this world; it’s time this woman got away from the lout and met them!
This morning I went to breakfast with a friend who is going to step in to help this woman. We spoke about an advocacy group she is willing to attend with the abused woman. She is also going to facilitate as much as she can, this woman’s move from her current situation. They are filign a report at the police station and are going to see what happens from there. The woman’s shelter has a storage facility onsite where she can put her belongings.
Unfortunately, I do not believe this will solve all the problems at hand. The woman has expressed that she does not want to live in a “bording house for abused women” … This to me only exemplifies her sickness. I offered to give her a referral to an MSW friend of mine, but I do not think she will use her services.
I will keep everyone up-to-date on further developments today.
Like I said, I live in CT, and mrAru and I have an ancient chevy s10 and would be glad to help=) [and if mrAru is at work, I can come with the s10 but am not very good at lifting, but I can be festive=)]
Just about any prosecutor North of Humpcuzzins County, Arkansas, will pursue an assault conviction on the basis of a complaint and physical evidence of domestic abuse.
A police standby for retrieval of property is standard procedure. If she secures a protection order, she might be able to force HIM to leave the premises, even if he is the leaseholder.
This kind of violence escalates. She needs to enforce separation and never see him again outside of court. If she adamantly refuses assistance or to help herself, channel your assistance to the many abused partners who need it and who are not blithering idiots.
Zoe - I am a teacher, I do not have clients, I do not take clients, I have made every effort to keep not only my own but this woman’s anonymity sacred. My experience is in academia Zoe, and my ethics tell me this (SDMB) is an outlet to seek guidence, not necessarily to be brought into the real world, but is a great tool to find perspective. This woman is in good care, and she is making the right decisions - with help from a friend - and will hopfully be rid of this man soon. At least here on campus she has a place to come that is safe. Brynda is one of the only practicing psychologists on the boards I know of.
Aruvqan - thank you very much for your compassion and assistance. The woman is getting some help, though she is still living in the same home with the guy, as of last evening, she is trying - with help - to take the right channels. Thank you again for your compassion, it is much appreciated.
Still in the same house? Then she is still in danger. Mortal danger, knowing the way these things can escalate without an intermediary present.
I plead with you; she is not behaving rationally and she needs help separating herself from this creature and this situation. Physical help, not just moral support. You must do it if she will not. Call the cops before her bruises fade. Football season is over and the team needs an outlet; get them to help her move someplace safe. Do SOMETHING because you are the adult (or the one behaving like an adult) and she needs to be protected from him AND her own irrationality.
Dropzone - Luckily right now the woman who is taking the most initiative to help the victim is finished for winter break, and can dedicate some time to her. However unfortunate it is, she still cannot force the woman to gather up her belongings and simply move. I understand this happens all the time, and women are repeatedly beaten and abused. It pains me to think about as I walk by this woman everyday, I have even had students ask about her bruising.
The situation is being dealt with - I believe - as best as possible for now.
Sorry, Phlosphr, I’m just one of those immediate gratification types who go through life convinced that if everything is not tied up in a neat little bow NOW then somebody isn’t doing his job. I know you and your friends are doing what you can and it’s not like you and the football team can kidnap her for her own protection, but, dammit, I wish you could. I should go back to ragging on my wife for not doing the same with a co-worker of hers who came in the other day with bruises on her throat. “He was just pretending to strangle me at the bar last night.” And he left bruises? Fuck-fuck-fuckity-fuck!
Your heart’s in the right place, but be aware that making suddent moves may not be the best idea. I have flashbacks to when I was twelve and we had to force my sister to leave her abusive husband. We finally got her home and safe with us, then he called her to tell her that he was on his way over with a shotgun and was going to kill everyone in the house. Scary, scary night.
That night has always stuck in my mind, and it’s the one thing I think about every time I see a situation like this.
I don’t have any real advice (I also worked for my dad’s bail bonding company last year, and I can’t tell you the number of times an abused wife would call wanting to bail her husband out for a charge of beating HER up. - it got so frustrating sometimes.), but I’m glad this woman has people there for her.
Yes Dropzone your heart is in the right place. But this is going to have to be handled the right way. Granted I would love to be a vigilante but this situtation is going to have to work itself out. Elza - that sounds terrible what happened to your sister. I hope everything worked out.
Notice that the first thing that I did was to acknowledge that she wasn’t your client.
I would think the clinical literature would have given you a little perspective along the way if you were really who you say you are. “This woman is in good care?” “She is making the right decisions?” And she is still in the house with him??? Even the terminology you use is screwed up.
There are several practicing psychologists at SDMB. I’m surprised you haven’t noticed. You are a psychologist as well as a teacher if you have your doctorate in psychology. Did that slip your mind?
You say that this kind of situation is new to you and yet spousal abuse is quite common. You have your doctorate and have been a professor for – eight years now? It just doesn’t add up. It’s like a dentist coming to SDMB for perspective on dry socket.
I have a low tolerance for people who attempt to deceive. Fortunately, your posts seem basically harmless.
If this post had been the only one in which you had done this, I wouldn’t have said anything. But you do have a history of stories that don’t make much sense.
Uh, I have a friend who has a doctorate in psychology who is in no way a psychologist. He does things with rats and electrodes and stuff like that. There are many paths to the Ph.D.
Well, no, not exactly. Unless he’s chartered to be a psychologist, he’s not a psychologist - he’s a person who know’s a lot about psychology.
Further, being that he’s not a psychologist, and assuming he doesn’t want to practice psychology, he’s at no risk of professional repremand even if he was to post this woman’s name, address and SIN number (although that would be a really, really bad idea, and a really good way to piss off his coworkers)
A person who’s graduated from law school but never passed the bar isn’t a lawyer, they’re just someone who knows a lot about the law.