View Full Version : Favorite Simpsons quote

07-02-2002, 06:05 PM
ok, im sure most of us have a certain quote that has a special place in our hearts. the two that come to mind are

Other Milhouse: correction the only thing thats over is that transmission
Milhouse: Is this the untimely end of Milhouse?
OM: But Milhouse is my name
M: I thought i was the only one
OM: a pain i know all to well
M: so this is what it feels like when doves cry
Woman: So why do you want to be a big Brother
Homer's Brain: Dont say revenge, Don't say revenge
Homer: Revenge
H's Brain: Thats it, im out of here (sound of foot steps and door closing)

so post youre favorite quote or scene.

07-02-2002, 07:02 PM
Too many of them, do I have. [/yoda]

I'll probably come back and post them as they appear in my brain. Right now the one I love is:

[Bart and Ralph are sneaking into Chief Wiggum's closet of police stuff]
Chief Wiggum: You know you're not supposed to go in there! What is your fascination with my Forbidden Closet of Mystery?

07-02-2002, 07:03 PM
"On closer inspection, these are loafers."


"The Waiting" montage while Homer was enduring the waiting period to buy a gun

07-02-2002, 07:04 PM
Oh! I almost forgot!

My FAVORITE was when Homer was designing the perfect marketable car for his brother's company:

"You know those little flags people put on their antenna so they can find their car in a parking lot? That should be on every car!"

07-02-2002, 07:53 PM
Well, here's a few.

Homer: The last bar in Springfield. If they don't let me in here, I'm gonna have to quit drinking!

Homer's Liver: Yaay!

Homer: Shut up liver! (punches his gut) ...OW! My liver hurts.

(loud music is playing)

Homer: Will you knock it off! I can't hear myself think.

(music dies down)

Homer's Brain: I want some peanuts.

Homer: Thaaaaaat's better!

Sideshow Bob: You want the truth? You can't handle the truth!! No truth handler you! Bah!! I deride your truth handling abitlities!

Moe: It seems nobody wants to hang out in a dank pit no more.

Carl: You aint thinking of gettin' rid of the dank are ya Moe?

Moe: Ahhhhh...maybe I am...

Carl: Oh, but Moe! The dank! THE DANK!


and there are SO many others...

07-02-2002, 07:56 PM
"To alcohol, the cause of, and solution to, all of life's little problems!" - Homer

07-02-2002, 08:25 PM
So many, hmmmm. I always crack up when I hear this one:

Mr. Burns: "We don't have to be adversaries Homer, we both want a fair Union contract..."

Homer's Brain: Why is Mr. Burns being so nice to me?

Mr. Burns: "...and if you scratch my back, I'll scratch yours!"

Homer's Brain: Wait a minute... is he coming onto me?

Mr. Burns: "I mean, if I should slip something into your pocket, what's the harm?"

Homer's Brain: Oh my God! He is coming onto me!"

Mr. Burns: "After all, negotiations make strange bed-fellows! [Friendly Laugh]

Homer's Brain: aahhhhhh!! [girly scream]

Homer: "Sorry Mr. Burns, but I don't go in for these backdoor shenanigans. Sure I'm flattered, maybe even a little curious, but the answer is no!"


Another favorite is also:

Homer: But Marge! I was a political prisoner!
Marge: How were you a political prisoner?
Homer: I kicked a giant mouse in the butt! Do I have to draw
you a picture?

07-02-2002, 08:32 PM
Homer to Marge: This perpetual motion machine Lisa built keeps going faster and faster.

Homer to Lisa: In this house we obey the laws of thermodynamics.

Homer: Okay brain, I don't like you and you don't like me, so let's just finish this test and I can get back to killing you slowly with beer.

Brain: Woohoo!

Homer on the monorail: Donuts. Is there anything they can't do?

07-02-2002, 11:55 PM
Moe syslack is hooked up to a lie detector...

PO (Police Officer) - Did you shoot Mr Burns?

M (Moe) - No.

LD (Lie Detector) - PING.

PO - Alright, you're telling the truth, you're free to go.

M - Alright! <pleased> I have a hot date tonight!


M - A date.


M - Dinner with friends.


M - Dinner alone.


M - Watching TV alone?


M - Alright! <anoyed> I'm gonna sit at home and oggle the ladies of the Victoria's Secret catalogue!


M - Sears Catalogue.


M - Now can I go?! I don't deserve this kind of shabby treatment!


Now it's homer's turn

PO - Alright mr Simpson, we're gonna hook you up to this machine, it is a lie detector, it will be able to tell us if you are telling the truth or not. Do you understand?

H - Yes!

<lie detector explodes!>

07-03-2002, 12:36 AM
I know it not a funny one but it always gets me.
In the Maggie's Pictures episode. Homer is forced back into the job he hates. A demotivational plaque is put up reading: "Don't forget your here forever". In the very last scene where you see all her pictures the demotivational plaque is partially covered, and now reads:
Do it for her.


As for a funny one:

Ralph: *playing with the mailbox* *flag goes up* Hehehehehehehehehe *flag goes down* Ohhhhhhhhhh *flag goes up* Hehehehehehehehe.

07-03-2002, 12:59 AM
"Sweet merciful crap!"

Kamino Neko
07-03-2002, 01:30 AM
Apu: Thank you for coming! I'll see you in hell! ::Gunshots::

Sadly, I can't remember the context, but, damn, that's a funny bit.

07-03-2002, 02:02 AM
"MMmmmmmm.... Notthhhiiinnnggg!"



Mmmmm... Invisible colaaa...

Mmmmmm... Mmarrge..

Mmmmmm... free goo...

I hope I didn't brain my damage.

Me lose brain? oh-o.

And the whole scene where they are trying to teach homer his new identity as mr thompson.

07-03-2002, 02:03 AM
Homer: You can manipulate statistics to prove anything! 41% of all people know that!

07-03-2002, 02:04 AM
The scene where homer is planning to rob the kwik-e-mart, and then realizes he's already left.

heck. I [we all] could go on forever. the whole fecking show is genius!

07-03-2002, 02:09 AM
There's an episode where Lisa gets braces from hell. She smiles reluctantly for someone (I think the doctor), and he gasps, "There is no God!"

Kills me.

Max Torque
07-03-2002, 03:09 AM
The best Homer "mmmm" line was from the recent Halloween special, the one with the smart house with Pierce Brosnan's voice. "Mmmmmm.....unexplained bacon....." And who could forget "Mmmmmm....floor pie."?

Anyway, here's a classic:
Marge: Homer, when are you going to give up this crazy sugar scheme?

Homer: Never, Marge! Never. I can't live the button-down life like you. I want it all: the terrifying lows, the dizzying highs, the creamy middles. Sure, I might offend a few of the bluenoses with my cocky stride and musky odors -- oh, I'll never be the darling of the so-called "City Fathers" who cluck their tongues, stroke their beards, and talk about "What's to be done with this Homer Simpson?"

07-03-2002, 03:19 AM
Marge: Homer, when are you going to give up this crazy sugar scheme?

Homer: Never, Marge! Never. I can't live the button-down life like you. I want it all: the terrifying lows, the dizzying highs, the creamy middles. Sure, I might offend a few of the bluenoses with my cocky stride and musky odors -- oh, I'll never be the darling of the so-called "City Fathers" who cluck their tongues, stroke their beards, and talk about "What's to be done with this Homer Simpson?"

YEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!, Max Torquei love you! i completly forgot about that line.. but you can't forgot:

(in thick cuban accent) "in america, first you get the sugar, then you get the power, then you get the women."

07-03-2002, 03:22 AM
oh crap i almost forgot, the scene when krusty has the dummy, alfons, and its jaw falls off, he crackes its head in and throws it into the audience as kids scream in terror:)

07-03-2002, 03:28 AM
cartoon Dinosaur family
Dad Dinosaur: Would you turn off that rock-and-rock music?
Boy Dinosaur: Hey, don't have a stegasaurus, man!

Marge: How was your day at work, dear?
Homer: Oh, the usual. Stand in front of this, open that, pull down
this, bend over, spread apart that, turn your head that way,

Dirty Earthworm
07-03-2002, 03:46 AM
A few from Ralph Wiggum:

"I bent my wookie."
"My cat's breath smells like cat food."
"Me fail English? That's un-possible!"


Typo Negative
07-03-2002, 04:16 AM
Homer: Anyone for penis?

07-03-2002, 05:28 AM
beer baron episode

Detective, overlooking Springfield: "I'll get you beer baron!"

Faint voice of Homer from town : "No you won't!"

07-03-2002, 06:13 AM
Moe: "All right, I just found out that 96% of the traffic accidents in this town are caused by you four guys."

"Simpson... Homer Simpson! He's the greatest guy in history. From the town of Springfield... he's about to hit a chestnut tree... AAAAAHHH!!!" **CRASH**

(From the episode where Bart sells his soul...)
Bart: "Hey, Milhouse?"
Milhouse: "Ye-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-essss?"

(Anyone who's seen that episode will know what I'm talking about)

Milhouse: "Do you remember Alf? He's back!!.. in Pog Form!!!"

Grimes: "Look at him, he eats like a pig!"
Lenny: "Nah, pigs tend to chew. I'd say he eats more like a duck."

My favorite Simpsons moment comes from the episode where Homer is put aboard a nuclear submarine. At one point in the episode, it cuts to a scene showing some hick behind a corn stand. Subtitles on the bottom of the screen say, "US Department of Defense". The hick points over his shoulder and says, "It's over there!", at which point the camera pans over to a large office building.

Another favorite moment: Homer is trying to figure out how to increase patronage to the bowling alley. He's first seen reading "Advanced Marketing". Next scene, that book is in the trash and he's reading "Beginning Marketing". Then that, too, goes in the trash, and we see him reading the dictionary, looking up the word "marketing".

Another: Homer is trying to cook breakfast for Mr. Burns. He puts a bunch of eggs and stuff on a stick and tries to cook it over the stove, where it catches fire. He then smashes open the microwave and tries again, and the food still catches fire. Finally, he pours some cereal and milk into a bowl... and it still catches fire.

Homer: "It's a ring toss game!"

El Elvis Rojo
07-03-2002, 06:17 AM
God DAMN, there are just too many episodes to remember anything. But here's a few: (advanced appology for not remembering 100% correctly)

Lisa: "Hey Mr. Flanders, I see you're reading the newspaper."
Flanders: "Yeyp. Everything except the Opinions section. I don't need anyone telling me how to think. Anyone still alive."

Brazillian Kidnapper #1: "Look at all that beautiful blue and purple."
Kidnapper #2: "Our money is so gay."

Lisa: "It's a real shame when a television show runs out of ideas and has to recycle old plots again."
Smithers bursting through door: "Quick, everybody! Maggy just shot Mr. Burns again!"

07-03-2002, 06:32 AM
Godamnit, The Simpsons is a work of art.

Dijon Warlock
07-03-2002, 06:40 AM
Marge: Homer! I don't want guns in my house! Don't you remember when Maggie shot Mr. Burns?
Homer: I thought Smithers did it.
Lisa: That would've made a lot more sense...

S. Mussberger
07-03-2002, 07:02 AM
Groundskeeper Willie:

"Ugh, if elected mayor, my first act will be to kill the whole lot of ya, and burn your town to cinders!"

Crepitus Fremitus
07-03-2002, 07:43 AM
How about when Homer starts a vigilante group:

Lisa: "But if you're watching the police, who's gonna watch the watchmen?"

Homer: (shruggs) "I dunno. Coastgaurd?"

Or when Marge is a police woman and Homer is playing poker with Barney, Moe, and the One Armed Pawn Shop Guy:

Barney: "Hey I'm worried about the beer supply. After this case, and the other case, we'll only have one case left!"....(then with his hand to his mouth)....."Yeah Barney's right. Listen to Barney ... " (or something like that)"

Homer: "Alright guys. Pipe down. I'll go get more beer."

But this one's maybe my farorite-

When they're having auditions for who's gonna play Fallout Boy and Lunch Lady Doris is feeding lines, Ralph walks in:

Ralph: "Hi Lunch Lady Doris. What's for lunch tommorrow?"

Director: "NEXT!"

Ralph: "CHICKEN necks?"

07-03-2002, 08:05 AM
One of Bart's lines on the blackboard:

I must not hang donuts on my person
I must not hang donuts on my person
I must not hang donuts on my person
I must not hang donuts on my person
I must not hang donuts on my person
I must not hang donuts on my person
I must not hang donuts on my person
I must not hang donuts on my person
I must not hang donuts on my person

07-03-2002, 08:06 AM
Groundskeeper Willy: Ach! Wee bairn! Hie ye hence from me heath!

Homer's Evil Concience: (singing) I am Evil Homer! I am Evil Homer!

Cletus: (On top of a telephone pole) Hey, I kin call my ma from up here. HEY MA! Get off the dang roof!

07-03-2002, 09:05 AM
Oh man, there are so many. . .apologies for mangling them.

Lisa: But didn't you wonder why you were getting checks in the mail when you didn't do anything to earn money?

Grandpa: I thought it was because the Democrats were in power!


Lionel Hutz: I'll have you know that the contents of this dumpster are protected by attorney-dumpster privilege!

(Miss you, Phil.)


Barney (after pink elephant stomps out his hallucination caused by drinking peyote-laced juice): Thanks, Pinky! You're always there for me!


Patty And Selma's Boss: YOU're smoking those cigarettes?
Homer: I'm in flavor country.
Boss: Two cigarettes at the same time?
Homer: It's a big country.
Boss: (to P & S): Ladies, I'm sorry. (To Homer): You, sir, are worse than Hitler! *slaps Homer*


Man, I love that show.

07-03-2002, 10:29 AM
Mr. Burns

Let the fools have their tar-tar sauce.

07-03-2002, 10:53 AM
Another favorite moment: Homer is trying to figure out how to increase patronage to the bowling alley. He's first seen reading "Advanced Marketing". Next scene, that book is in the trash and he's reading "Beginning Marketing". Then that, too, goes in the trash, and we see him reading the dictionary, looking up the word "marketing".

And the payoff: Shooting a shotgun into the air in front of the bowling alley, shouting, "Bowling! Get your bowling here!"

One of my favorites:

Homer is acting in Mr. Burn's recruitment film for the SNPP. He forgets his line, and asks for a cue. Burns scowls and angrily says, "Nuclear power!" Homer repeats it with exactly the same expression and gesture. Never fails to crack me up.

07-03-2002, 10:58 AM
Burns: We're at War? Leave it to the democrats to let the Spaniards back in the pantry!
Ralph: I like bushes cause they don't have prickers... unless they do... this one did...
and my all time favorite:

Homer: Ummm.... could you repeat the part of the stuff where you said all about the things? ...the things?

World Eater
07-03-2002, 11:05 AM
Lionel Hutz: Thats ok the box is empty!

Kills me everytime

07-03-2002, 11:26 AM
One of the Halloween episodes:

Maude Flanders: "What if those witches come down here and make us commit wanton acts of carnality?!?"

Ned (under his breath): "That'll be the day"

Maude: "What's that?"

Ned: "Nothing, nothing"

The gun episode:

Clerk: "I'm sorry sir, there's a 5 day wating period to buy a gun"
Homer: "but I'm angry now!"
Clerk: "Sorry"
Homer: "If I had a gun I'd shoot you"

Also the Lisa turns veggie episode when they show the 1950's era "meat is good" film that shows the diagram of the food chain. When they get to humans, there is a dawing of a person surrounded by every type of animal you can think of with all food chain arrows pointing from the animals to the person. The kid in the film then asks:

"Some of my friends say it's wrong to eat meat. Are they right?"

Host (Troy McClure?): "No, Timmy. That's just communist propaganda"

07-03-2002, 11:27 AM
heeey- love the board, long time lurker, 1st time poster. Now that we got that out of the way-

As Lisa & Bart are looking thru the newstand to figure out who framed ol Krusty, you hear Hapu's voice in the backround, saying: "This is not a lending library. Now put those magazines down or I'll blow your heads off."

Homer & Marge need to go to Lionel Hutz' office. Of course, its in the mall. Neon sign out front reads, "I Can't Believe Its a Law Firm!".

07-03-2002, 11:43 AM
Oooohh, forgot one.

Ralph: That's the rock where I saw the leprechan. ... He told me to burn things.

07-03-2002, 12:03 PM
Originally posted by jk1245
"Some of my friends say it's wrong to eat meat. Are they right?"

Ugh! You missed the best part! Doesn't the kid say something like "My crazy friend says it's wrong to eat meat. Is he crazy?"

Some of my favorites:
Detective: What kind of pet store is open at 2 am?
Moe: The..uh..er..best damn pet store in town!
Patrons: HORAY!!! (Raising their previously hidden beer mugs high as the detective turns his back).

Homer yelling "BOOM BAM KA-BLAMMO!!" to hide the exploding stills from Marge.

Kang and Kodos: We've been observing your planet since its creation...5000 years ago...by God.

Raneir Wolfcastle: ZE GOGGLES!! ZE DO NOTHING!!!

Lional Hutz: Theres "the truth" :( and then theres "the truth" :D

Groundskeeper Willie: Lunchlady Doris, ave ye eny grease?
Lunchlady Doris: Yes...yes we do
GKW: DEN GREASE ME UP WOMAN!!! (rips off shirt)
LLD: ...Okay dokey

Homer: This is Ned Flanders...MY FRIEND!!
Lenny: Whatthesay?
Carl: Idonno..something about being gay.

Guest star James Woods: Now I'm off to fight aliens on a far away planet.
Marge: Wow! That sounds like an exciting movie!
JW: Er..yes...a movie

Snake: Yoink!!

Snake: That smells like regular! She needs premium, dude! PREMIUM!!!........DUUUUDE!!!!

so many. Well I better get back to work otherwise I'll be quoting this one

Lisa: Do you even have a job anymore?
Homer: I think its fairly plain to see that I don't!

07-03-2002, 12:04 PM

Homer: Lisa would you like a hamburger?

Lisa: No.

Homer: How bout a chicken leg?

Lisa: Do you have any food that wasn't brutally slaughtered?

Homer: Umm, I think the veal died of loneliness.

07-03-2002, 12:07 PM
Lisa: (whilst ogling Nelson) "He's like a riddle wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a vest. Sure is ugly, though."

07-03-2002, 12:11 PM
When Homer became a celebrity gopher, and Ron Howard was a guest...

RH: Homer, you smell like grass and vodka.
Homer: It's a drink I made myself, it's called a lawnmower. You want one?
RH: (pause) yeah, alright.

later in the same episode, Ron calls Homer on the phone
RH: Hey Homer, we need more vodka.

07-03-2002, 12:29 PM
Smithers: Shall I send out for Chinese sir?
Burns: No, those people are all gristle.

07-03-2002, 12:34 PM
Milhouse: Then why did I have the bowl, Bart? Why did I have the bowl?

07-03-2002, 12:38 PM
One of Bart's blackboards:

I have neither been there nor done that.
I have neither been there nor done that.
I have neither been there nor done that.
I have neither been there nor done that.
I have neither been there nor done that.
I have neither been there nor done that.
I have neither been there nor done that.
I have neither been there nor done that.

07-03-2002, 12:44 PM
There are so many, but these are the ones that come to mind first:

(Clancy Wiggum) "Bake 'em away toys"

(*very* frustrated Witness Protection agent) "Now when I say 'hello Mr. Thompson' and step on your foot you smile and nod"

(Luke Skywalker singing dinner theater) "Luke be a Jedi toniiiiiiiight"

and finally...not a quote...when Joe Namath was ending the episode with a big grin. then stops grinning abruptly...then goes back to the big grin. My husband and I make that face to each other sometimes and we always crack up.

I love the Simpsons. :)

07-03-2002, 12:48 PM
ps I wanted to mention Homer's stage whisper to the other witness protection guy:

"I think he's talking to you"

07-03-2002, 01:53 PM
"i noticed your house smells like feces... and not just monkey feces"

07-03-2002, 02:03 PM
Kang: We must go forward, not backwards. Upwards, and not forward! And always twirling, twirling, twirling towards freedom!!

07-03-2002, 02:22 PM
When Apu had to live with the Simpson's after losing his job at the Quick-E-Mart he sang a song about how happy he was. After the song the family hears Apu crying on the roof.

Homer: Hey! he lied to us through song, I hate when people do that!

Great Dave
07-03-2002, 02:36 PM
As seen as someone's sig here:

"Why wont those stupid idiots let me into their crappy club for jerks?"


"You tried your best, and failed. Never try."

by HJS.

and from Bart and Lisa- "Hard work made us quit."

another from Homer, in the flash forward at the Indian casino-
"That lying, rail-splitting, theatre-going freak!" when he discovers Lincoln's "gold".

Don't get me started, we could be here a while.

07-03-2002, 03:15 PM
Homer is bargaining for a Krusty doll or something in one of the Halloween episodes I believe(?). Anyway, Homer is in a mysterious shop ala Gremlins and has this conversation with the proprietor.....

Shopkeeper:<grimly> Take this object, but beware -- it carries a terrible curse.
Homer: Ooh, that's bad.
Shopkeeper:<(brightly> But it comes with a free Frogurt!
Homer: That's good!
Shopkeeper:<grimly> The Frogurt is also cursed.
Homer: That's bad.
Shopkeeper:<brightly> But you get your choice of topping!
Homer: That's good!
Shopkeeper:<grimly> The toppings contain potassium benzoate.
Homer: <dumbfounded, says nothing>
Shopkeeper: That's bad.
Homer: Can I go now?

That is some good stuff, though not exactly a "quote" now that I think about it-- oh well..... :D

07-03-2002, 03:15 PM
Bart: How're those berries, Ralph?
Ralph: They taste like...burning. (Collapses on ground, moaning)

Smithers (I think), on golf course: Use an open-faced club! A sand wedge!
Homer: Mmm...open-faced club sandwich...

Marge: There's no shame in being a pariah.

Homer, after breaking promise to get rid of his gun: But, Marge, I swear to you! I never thought you'd find out!

07-03-2002, 03:31 PM
Future fat Bart: Ah wash mahself with a rag on a stick.
Audience claps.

07-03-2002, 03:37 PM
Originally posted by msmith537

Raneir Wolfcastle: ZE GOGGLES!! ZE DO NOTHING!!!

I thought it was McBain who said ths, playing the part of Radioactive Man

McBain:"Aah, My eyes! Ze goggles, zey do nothing!"

And another

<Mcbain breaks out of an ice sculpture standing in the middle of a table>:"Ice to see you"



07-03-2002, 03:38 PM
Another from the late, great Phil Hartman (as Troy McClure):

[in song]

I hate every ape I seeeeee
From chimpan A to chimpan Zeeeeeeeeeee
You've finally made a monkey out of meeeeeeeeeeeee!

07-03-2002, 04:25 PM
Originally posted by RickQ

I thought it was McBain who said ths, playing the part of Radioactive Man

Rainer Wolfcastle is McBain. McBain is a movie character, Ranier is an actor.

07-03-2002, 04:29 PM
Marge: Do you just follow my husband around everywhere?
Hot Dog Vendor: Lady, he's putting my kids through college.

07-03-2002, 04:35 PM
'Duffman can't breathe. Ohhh no.'

07-03-2002, 04:50 PM
Marge (rhetorically): When did we hit the bottom of the socio-economic ladder?

Homer: I think it was when that cold snap killed off all the hobos.

07-03-2002, 04:51 PM
Homer: I'm not normally a praying man, but if you're up there..PLEASE SAVE ME, SUPERMAN!

Sea Captain (on the phone): Call me back, Ishmael.

TV Announcer: The State Lottery, where EVERYBODY wins! (sotto voce) Chances of winning 1 in 865 million

Fiddle Peghead
07-03-2002, 05:09 PM
Homer (sighing): "Rock stars. Is there anything they don't know?"

07-03-2002, 05:13 PM
My all-time favorite:

Smithers: I think women and seamen don't mix.
Burns: We all know what you think.

Max Torque
07-03-2002, 05:51 PM
Another quickie:

"They'll play where I tell them to play, for I am the Mayor of Albuquerque!"

07-03-2002, 05:51 PM
After Homer gets into an accident, coming home from Moe's..

Cop: "So what is this 'Moes?' Some kind of buisness?"

Homer (thinking:) "Don't tell him it's a bar... Quick.. What buisness would be open at this hour?"

Homer: It's a pornography store. I was buying pornography."

Homer: "You better stay out of my ass groove! It took me years to form that groove!"

Bart goes into the Quick-e-mart, picks up a comic book, and flips through it. He sees Apu behind the counter, who is bound and gagged. Bart removes the gag. Apu immediately says, "This is not a lending library!"

07-03-2002, 06:07 PM
"Tramapoline! Trampapoline!"

"Slow down, Tubby. You're not on the moon yet."

"It's in Revelations, people!"

07-03-2002, 06:31 PM
Burns: "Mother Nature started the fight for survival, and now she wants to quit because she's losing? Well I say, hard cheese!"

07-03-2002, 06:35 PM
When Homer was considering cheating on Marge:

Homer: "Moe, I have...a friend...who has this problem."
Moe: "What's his name?"
Homer: "Uh, Joey...Joe...Joe...Bob...Shabado."
Moe: "That's the worst name I ever heard."
(some guy runs crying out of the bar)
Barney (calling after him): "Joey Joe Joe!"

That one cracks me up every time I think of it.

Also, from the Halloween episode with the evil Krusty doll:

Bart: "Wow, a talking Krusty doll! Thanks, dad!"
Grandpa: "That doll is evil, I tell ya! Evil! EEEEEEEVIL!"
Marge: "Grandpa, you said that about all the presents."
Grandpa: "I just want attention."

07-03-2002, 07:28 PM
There were a couple of great ones that I had forgotten about on tonight's episode.

Lisa: Just try not to freak out the blind guy.
Bart: I can't promise I'll try. But I'll try to try.

Homer: So you can sit there eating can after can of dog food until your tears smell enough like dog food to get him to come back, or you can go out and get your dog.
Bart: You're right!
Homer: Rats! I almost had him eating dog food.

Bryan Ekers
07-03-2002, 08:49 PM
Lisa : Dad, why are you singing?
Homer's Brain: Tell a lie, tell a lie.
Homer: Um, because I have a small role in a broadway musical. It's not much, but it's a start.
Homer's Brain: [sarcastic] Bravo. [slow applause]

Crepitus Fremitus
07-03-2002, 09:28 PM
Not a quote, but an anecdote.

I once heard a radio show about Scientology. They interviewed adherents, some of them well known people and celebrities, such as Tom Cruise, etc. Never knew it, but apparently Nancy Cartwright- voice of Bart- is one of the Faithful.

Mind you, I'm not a believer, but to live and let live, right? The funny thing was, was Nancy's regular voice sounds exactly like Bart, so as she was going on and on about what Scientology is all about, how great it is, how it's changed her life, yadda yadda yadda-- all I could picture was Bart Simpson.

07-03-2002, 11:44 PM
"Arr.... that's Dancing Pete. He dances for nickels!"

ITR champion
07-03-2002, 11:47 PM
But there are so many of them!

Marge: "You can't say 'sex' on the internet."

Waiter, to Lisa: "Is there any way that we can harm an animal in order to make your meal more enjoyable?"

"Get Eurass back to Eurasia" - sign held by somebody during the immigration episode.

The entire 'steamed hams' exchange, especially "Not Utica, sir. It's more of an Albany expression."

07-03-2002, 11:53 PM
Speaking of Wolfcastle quotes, I love the one where he's over at the Simpson's with his daughter.

staring intently at desserts

"Remember when I said I would eat you last? I lied"

07-04-2002, 02:22 AM
this thread is too damn funny, and I don't think we've even scratched the surface.

Professor Frink: This is what we call a square...
Chief Wiggum: Woah, woah, slow down egghead.


HJS: Look, Marge, you don't know what it's like. I'm the one out there every day putting his ass on the line. And I'm not out of order! You're out of order. The whole freaking system is out of order. You want the truth? You want the truth?! You can't handle the truth! 'Cause when you reach over and put your hand into a pile of goo that was your best friend's face, you'll know what to do! Forget it, Marge, it's chinatown!

Crepitus Fremitus
07-04-2002, 02:50 AM
More from the one where Lisa becomes a vegitarian.

P. Skinner introducing the meat movie: (something about "certain agitators" demanding equal time)

"...we'll just call her Lisa S... no, wait, that's too obvious...Alright, let's say L. Simpsion."

Homer: "You mean, you're not going to eat any more bacon?"
Lisa: "No."
H: "No more ham?"
L: "That's right"
H: "What about pork chops?"
L: "Daaaaad! Those all come from the same animal!"
H: "Oh, right Lisa! A mythical, magical animal"

Crepitus Fremitus
07-04-2002, 02:56 AM
"But Marge! If I catch this fish, I'll be a hero, respected and admired for years!"

"BY whom"

"Those weirdos down at the worm store!"

07-04-2002, 04:22 AM
I love the parody of McGyver (as well as I can remember it):

Chief: (some disparaging comment about previous actions that I can't remember)
McG: Well that was a great view you had chief- from behind your desk!
Chief: That's it, you're off the case McGarnigle!
McG: No, you're off your case, chief! (opens fire)

Also, from A Tale of Two Springfields:

Kent Brockman: And the newer Springfieldians use crass expressions like "oh yeah" and "come'ere'a'minute."
Homer: "Oh yeah?? Bart, come'ere'a'minute"
Bart(without missing a beat): "You come'ere'a'minute!"
Homer: "Oh yeah??"

My brother and I always work these exchanges into normal conversations... cracks us up all the time...

09-23-2002, 11:49 PM
K guys, I was laughing so hard so I hope noone posted this one
Scene:X-Files with Mulder and Scully in the forest at the end of Episode where Burns comes out glowing

Willie (w/ Club in his hand): Ahhh...it's an alien...KILL IT, KILL IT!!!!
Lisa: No wait, it's not an alien, it's Mr. Burns
Willie (w/ Club in his hand): Awwww...it's Mr. Burns....KILL HIM, KILL HIM!!!!

Ahahah...I can't stop laughing now :D

09-24-2002, 01:36 AM
"Those kids from Shelbyville are always eating candy! They love the sweet taste!"

"Now normally, the birth of Siamese twins is a joyous occassion..."

When Homer is eating the gingerbread house: "Mmmmm... sugar walls..."

And when the town is holding a memorial service for Lisa, and Lisa shows up and takes the stage. Comic Book guy backs away horrified, pointing and saying "G.... G.... G.... Girl!!!"

09-24-2002, 01:50 AM
Homer: Maybe, just once, someone will call me 'Sir' without adding, 'You're making a scene.'

Homer: Boy, you couldn't fool your mother on the foolingest day of your life if you had an electrified fooling machine.

Ah, the Simpsons perhaps the only American export no one would think of sending back.

09-24-2002, 02:02 AM
Carl: Is Lenny really that dumb? Is Barney that drunk? Is Homer really that lazy, bald, and fat? [to the camera] See, this is why I don't talk much.

09-24-2002, 02:09 AM
Carl: Is Lenny really that dumb? Is Barney that drunk? Is Homer really that lazy, bald, and fat? [to the camera] See, this is why I don't talk much.

09-24-2002, 02:39 AM
Homer: Is this going to be like one of those horror movies where we open the door and everything's normal and we think you're crazy, but then there really [B]is[B] a killer robot and the next morning you find me impaled on a weather vane? {insistant} Is that what this is?
Roger Meyers Jr: The best thing about these cells is that they're absolutely, positively, 100% guaranteed to go up in value!
V/O: {sotto} Not a guarantee.
Burly bartender: {whips around, cocks gun} Arr, whaddya want!
Homer: {fearful} A beer?
Bb: All right then.
Homer: Er, can I have a clean glass?
Bb: {spits on glass, rubs with dirty rag} Arr, here you go, yer ma-jes-ty!

This one loses a lot in writing, but was an absolutely brilliant reading by Dan Castlenetta:

Homer: They're dogs... and they're playing POKER! {manaical laughter}
Homer: {needs to get high up, grabs a group of balloons} Oh, I hope this works... {turns to Cherry Picker Driver} Trade you these balloons for your Cherry Picker?
CPD: Well... I've got some balloons at home, but they're not as nice as this.

Early Out
09-24-2002, 08:22 AM
Liked it so much, I chose it for my sig.

gex gex
09-24-2002, 11:00 AM
Sideshow Bob: ...all those years at Clown College?
Cecil Terwilliger: I'll thank you not to refer to Princeton like that.

Marge: You don't have to join a travelling freak show just because the oppurtunity comes along.
Homer: (Beat) You know Marge, in some ways you and me are very different people.

Lenny (depressed): there's nothing in that helicopter for me.
Carl: Don't be so sure about that...
Lenny(overjoyed!): Carl Carlson!

09-24-2002, 11:12 AM
Homer is at the elementary school library researching on Thomas Edison.

Homer: And look at these Hardy Boys books. They're about pirates.
Bart: Dad, they're all about pirates.
Homer: No, not this one, The Pirates of Smuggler's Cove. See, it's about smugglers.
Librarian: Sir, do you go to this school?
Homer: I think it's pretty obvious that I DO! Go school!


Lenny and Carl are on the mountain in that race set up by Mr. Burns. An avalanche just happened.
Lenny: Did you hear that?
Carl: No.
Lenny: Did I hear that?
Carl: I don't know.

Lisa: Mr. Smithers, Mr. Smithers, I found another hurt shrew!
Smithers: Aren't there any healthy animals on this mountain?!

09-24-2002, 01:12 PM
My doctor says I wouldn't have so many nose bleeds if I kept my finger out of there!

09-24-2002, 03:08 PM
Homer: That's it! You people have stood in my way long enough. I'm going to clown college! [leaves]
Bart: I don't think any of us expected him to say that.

09-24-2002, 03:21 PM
Mrs. Bouvier: I was the prettiest girl in Springfield! It drove all my friends crazy.
Grandpa Simpson: Which friends?
Mrs. Bouvier: Oh, Zelda Fitzgerald, Frances Farmer, little Sylvia Plath . . .

09-24-2002, 04:25 PM
Eductional Movie VoiceOver Guy: "Slow down, Tubby--you're not on the moon yet."

09-24-2002, 05:23 PM
Krusty: "We're going t the happiest place on earth...TIAJUANA!!!"

09-24-2002, 06:00 PM
Troy McCluer: Mmm! That's good Billy!

09-24-2002, 07:55 PM
hey, my thread got brought back to life!
thanks jeebus.

09-25-2002, 09:47 AM
Not exactly a line but had to put this in...

Burns:Some men hunt for sport,
Others hunt for food,
The only thing I'm hunting for,
Is an outfit that looks good...

See my vest, see my vest,
Made from real gorilla chest,
Feel this sweater, there's no better,
Than authentic Irish setter.

See this hat, 'twas my cat,
My evening wear - vampire bat,
These white slippers are albino
African endangered rhino.

Grizzly bear underwear,
Turtles' necks, I've got my share,
Beret of poodle, on my noodle
It shall rest,

Try my red robin suit,
It comes one breast or two,
See my vest, see my vest,
See my vest.

Like my loafers? Former gophers -
It was that or skin my chauffeurs,
But a greyhound fur tuxedo
Would be best,

So let's prepare these dogs,

Mrs. Potts: Kill two for matching clogs,

Burns: See my vest, see my vest,
Oh please, won't you see my vest.

[plus the bit afterwards with Lisa & Bart]

09-25-2002, 02:44 PM
Bart: "Mom!! You can hug me when I'm asleep!"

Marge: "I do!"

Bart: "Yaaaah!!!!"

Lots of other good Simpsons quotes in this (http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?s=&threadid=133228) thread.

Thomas Stearns
09-26-2002, 01:33 AM
well, another good one (paraphrasing here):

Doctor: Removing that crayon from your brain will increase your thinking power, or it could kill you.

Homer: Increase my killing power eh. . . I'll do it!

09-26-2002, 01:42 AM
When all the children are on the island:

Lisa: All we found were these berries, and they look pretty poisonous.

Bart: How are they Ralph?

Ralph: (lies on ground) They taste like burning.

09-26-2002, 01:59 AM
From the Amendment song:
"Well, there's a lot of flag burners
Who've got too much freedom
I wanna make it legal for policemen
To beat 'em"

09-26-2002, 04:12 AM
"I sleep in a drawer!"

09-26-2002, 06:53 PM
homer: i grow tired of your sexually suggestive dances. BRING ME MY RANCH HOSE!!