View Full Version : Ongoing thread: The story of a five-dollar bill

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11-16-2002, 05:55 PM
The story begins, of course, at the Bureau of Engraving and Printing. The $5 bill, whose serial number ends in 26F, was printed for the FR Bank in San Francisco. There, it was picked up by a merchant customer, a publishing company; and 26F was put, along with about 11 others, in the petty-cash drawer. It was removed in a transaction by...

Winston Smith
11-16-2002, 06:05 PM
A trans-sexual hooker who received it in change after purchasing a three-pack of Trojan Condoms. He didn't have it long, though...

11-16-2002, 06:14 PM
... he spent it buying souvenirs at South of the Border (http://www.roadsideamerica.com/attract/SCDILsob.html) a favorite I-95 stop of his. From there...

11-16-2002, 06:35 PM
...it was used by the souvenir vendor to pay a cab fare, to Dana Point, in Orange County, on the coast. The cabbie, in turn...

11-16-2002, 08:52 PM
...gave it in change to another fare, an Episcopalian architect from North Dakota, as she dropped him at the airport. The architect, en route to Helsinki, boarded a plane that would take her to New York. She suddenly realised that she had forgotten to buy a...

11-17-2002, 12:12 AM
...pack of floppy discs for a major presentation she was doing the next day and had to work on the plane. The news stand vendor gave 26F out as part of change for a $50 that was ...

11-17-2002, 04:34 AM
..handed him by Angels manager Mike Scioscia, shortly after the Series ended. He bought Time, Newsweek, Games, Sports Illustrated, and a copy of Triumph of the Straight Dope that the vendor picked up for him in a local bookstore Scioscia had no time to get to. The vendor, in turn, spent 26F, at dinnertime that evening, at...

11-17-2002, 05:40 AM
...a very posh restaurant as a tip for the restroom attendant, Mr. Giles, who accidentally dropped the bill down a flushing toilet. A sewer worker spotted it two days later and after wringing it dry, took it to a...

11-17-2002, 07:25 AM
strip club, where he used it for a lapdance. The woman who got 26F then spent it....

11-17-2002, 02:27 PM
at wal-mart on a package of vag-o-clean. The not to trustworthy cashier pocketed it, and when he left work he went straight to the....

11-17-2002, 03:16 PM
...florist down the block, and bought an orchid to give to his mother who was in the hospital after having triple-bypass surgery. The owner of the florist shop, a middle-aged divorcée, spent the bill later that evening on her date with...

11-17-2002, 03:29 PM
....a person she had never met before, who ran off and made her pay the bill. The money was given as change to another customer who was mugged by her date after finishing their meal. The evil date bought...

11-17-2002, 03:31 PM
...5 chances on the California Super Lotto. (she didn't win anything on it.) The cashier gave the bill in change to a firefighter in San Bernardino, who was going to give allowances to his two pre-teen boys that evening...

11-17-2002, 03:51 PM
....the youngest of which received the bill, and ran off to the store to load up on bubblegum, but was robbed by the schoolyard bully on the way....

11-17-2002, 03:54 PM
....who took a shortcut through the park on the way to the candy store, only to be attacked by a *huge* dog. The dog wrestled it out of the bullys hand and...

11-17-2002, 04:04 PM
...returned it to the fireman's son--after the kid had been lectured by his parents on spoending wisely and keeping money in the pockets. He did buy some gum, and a bottle of grape juice. The cashier, a rather goofy 19-year-old college girl, put five ones into the till in place of 26F, which she...

11-17-2002, 05:29 PM
... pocketed because she thought Lincoln looked particularly silly on this particular note. When she got home, she forgot that it was in her pocket and she put that jacket away for the winter. The next spring, she sent the jacket to the cleaners and the guy who does the pressing found 26F and...

11-17-2002, 05:35 PM
...turned out to be a honest soul who returned it to the girl even though she didn't thank him and spent it on some designer lip gloss but...

11-17-2002, 05:37 PM
...just as he was about to pocket it, the phone rang, and his girlfriend instructed him to call her back at 212-015-0154; so, having nothing else to write on at the time, he jotted down the number on the fiver and promptly called her back. Later that day, when a senior researcher for the FBI came in to pick up his laundry...

11-17-2002, 05:42 PM
My post was first but AHunter's looks like it can go farther so I say use his.

BTW, is there any significance to the phone number you mentioned, Hunter? :D

Miss Magic8ball
11-17-2002, 06:37 PM
the boy, having already called his girfreind, gave 26f as well as another 5$ bill to the fbi dude when he asked for change

11-17-2002, 06:47 PM
Blackeyes:BTW, is there any significance to the phone number you mentioned, Hunter?:D

Dial it and see ;)

{continuing, as long as I'm here}

The FBI dude walked into the lab where the effects of the victim were laid out to be tagged and subjected to analysis, and was so busily peering through his magnifying glass he didn't notice when his wallet, containing 26F, fell out his back pocket onto the floor...

Miss Magic8ball
11-17-2002, 06:55 PM
only to be swept up by the dorky janitor that was too busy trying to look at "real FBI stuff" to notice what he was doing...

11-17-2002, 07:04 PM
and promptly thrown into the Dumpter® brand trash receptacle outside. The FBI Dude's wallet remained unnoticed the following Tuesday, when...

Miss Magic8ball
11-17-2002, 08:55 PM
the dumptruck[holding the garbage from the dumpster] was hijacked by a bunch of garbage lovers who were looking for some lint. They felt the garbage bag the wallet was in, and since it was too squishy for lint, they threw it on the side of the road where it was promptly...

11-17-2002, 09:51 PM
Picked up by a priest, who after taking the $5 bill tossed the wallet into the trash. He went to the local supermarket and spent the 5 on...

11-17-2002, 10:10 PM
J&J Extra Virgin Baby Oil. The supermarket manager gave the the $5 bill as part of a prize to the cashier of the month, who got the award because she gave the best...

11-17-2002, 10:13 PM
.... customer service in the entire store. She had been working hard for three months for this honor. Now she had the money and the certificate for being cashier of the month. She went home that evening and told her boyfriend about it. When she was asleep, he got into her purse, took 26F along with the other bills and went to....

Fiendish Astronaut
11-17-2002, 10:21 PM
....score some white powder type substance. Although our $5 bill wasn't used to pay, but was rolled up and put to use as a major constituent of some sort of snorting device. Now high, he visited a strip joint and placed the money down the front of a strpper's....

11-17-2002, 11:09 PM
... boots, wishing that he hadn't gotten so high, so that he didn't have to spend the evening lying on the floor, unable to get a good view of the goodies above him. After the show, the stripper, whose name was Candee, used the $5 bill to buy a...

11-17-2002, 11:20 PM
...meal for her 6-year-old daughter at a fast food joint. The cashier didn't have change for $5, so a well-dressed gentleman behind her changed it for four ones and a ten. He could tell she needed the extra cash, so he slipped it in there without her knowing. He put 26F in his wallet and ironically traded it later for...

11-17-2002, 11:25 PM
a happy meal for her 5 year old daughter, who was very upset because her best friend was moving away. The fiver made it to the bank in a deposit. The banker gave it out the next day to.......

11-17-2002, 11:26 PM
lmao -- whatmove-- great minds think alike, ehh?

11-17-2002, 11:26 PM

11-17-2002, 11:58 PM
(continuing from whatmove)

... four ones and four quarters a the 7-11. He had to make a phone call to the FBI. The clerk at 7-11 placed 26F in the night deposit bag that his partner was just about to run to the bank. Unfortunately, on his way to the bank, the second 7-11 clerk was ...

11-18-2002, 12:12 AM
a prostitute. Her pimp used the fiver for a shoe shine at the bus station and the lucky homeless man in receipt of 26F hid it under his hat....

[made to work with both mistee and whatmove's posts]

11-18-2002, 12:14 AM
whoa I was way late, sorry about that

but I guess it sort of works with TVGuy's post too so let's roll with it

11-18-2002, 01:17 AM
...and wandered up the street, back to the same 7-11. In a moment of clarity, he bought a piece of...

11-18-2002, 01:23 AM
... angel food cake from a bake sale for the elementary school down the street. He used 26F to pay for the cake, and entered the store while exiting this portion of our story. The fifth-grader working the stand gave the bill to the parent holding the cash box, who then...

11-18-2002, 04:49 AM
...accidentally set it on fire...

Bosda Di'Chi of Tricor
11-18-2002, 07:02 AM
..which set the building ablaze.

Offshore, a band of bloodthirsty pirates saw the blaze, & sailed in to loot the city.

Encountering a man in a Barney the Dinosaur costume, the savage buccaneers proceeded to...

11-18-2002, 11:23 AM
...offer the Dinosaur a fiver to show the world what Barney's REALLY hiding under that big furry tail of his. Bobby-Joe Spondivitz, the man beneath the fur, took the fiver, flashed the pirates and ran like all heck for his 1989 Honda Civic with the ' Born To Emulate An Immense Dinosaur" bumper sticker on the back of it. He tripped over his enormous tail before he reached safety, and Cecil The Evil Pirate Captain grasped 26F from the furry mitts of Bobby-Joe Spondivitz and turned to his swarthy crew, raised the bill over his head and in a clear, loud, piercing Mid-Western accent decried for all to hear, "................

11-18-2002, 01:40 PM
"I'm going down the street to the 7-11 and buy a six pack." He paid for the six pack with 26F. Later, the cashier gave 26F as change to a little old lady who popped in to buy a package of...

11-18-2002, 02:05 PM
...Amelia Erheart memorial facial tissues...

11-18-2002, 04:02 PM
"AAAACCCCCHHHHHOOOOOOOOO", the little old lady said, and pulled a tissue out, but it got caught in the wind. Luckily, it was blown, fully exteded, into her face.

Nearby, Chuck Pantsaroundankles, was drunk. Again. But he looked up from his gutter, and saw Amelia Earhart, his childhood hero, walking down the street. It was then and there he swore he would never drink again. And he didn't. So he soon died of dehydration. But back to the 26F....

11-18-2002, 05:38 PM
...which was lifted by a pickpocket, while the little old lady was wrestling with the facial tissue. The street urchin quickly ducked into an alley, where...

11-18-2002, 06:27 PM
he promptly tripped over Bob Dole, who was inexplicably lying there in a Pepsi T-shirt and nothing else. The five dollar bill flew out of the pickpocket's hands, wafted this way and that in the wind, and finally started to rise more or less vertically into the air above a subway vent...

11-18-2002, 10:04 PM
...and, as the two trains below passed and separated, the updraft ceased, and reversed. The bill was abruptly sucked through the subway grating, whirled through a dirty concrete vent chamber, and came to rest on the wooden cover that guarded the third rail of the subway track.

The motion attracted the attention of an adorable little boy on the subway platform. He looked around. His parents were distracted by the crowd. He let go of his teddy-bear and...

11-18-2002, 11:20 PM
... got within 6 inches of jumping down on to the tracks to retrieve the money when he was rescued by a subway worker who happened to be passing doing track inspections. The little boy was actually the first born and only child of Mr. and Mrs. Ashley Von Velder, the city's richest and most powerful couple who were on their way back from the opera with the child (they always liked to travel on public transit to give the illusion that they were still "of the people".) As the subway worker was picking 26F off the third rail cover, Mr. Ashley Van Velder, in gratitude for the quick action of the subway worker in saving the little Von Velder asked the subway worker if he ...

11-19-2002, 05:37 AM
...would like a better job. Van Velder asked him to come to his office the next day, since he was looking for a supervisor for the maintenance of a skyscraper he owned in Chicago. :)
Back to 26F...Van Velder paid off a bet to a rich friend of his, Jack Sharp, who had beaten Van Velder in golf the day before. Jack's wife Eloise, a prudent--and prolific--woman, gave 26F to Owen, the youngest of her 15 kids, as a reward for getting an A in Solid Geometry. Owen inherited his Mom's prudence and thrift, and he...

11-19-2002, 09:11 AM
bought thirty packs of ramen noodles and a pair of soiled undies from the prostitute-run 7-11. 26F was then given in change to...

11-19-2002, 09:17 AM
...one of the johns who came in for a Big Gulp and a.....big gulp. He was mighty satisfied with his purchases, and a bit woozy after the second one. He failed to carefully put 26F away, instead just shoving into his jacket pocket. 26F fell out of his pocket and was picked up by...

11-19-2002, 09:23 AM
...a university student named Bob, on his way home. He had just failed his remedial Intro to Solid Geometry exam; his girlfriend had just left him in favour of someone 'who actually had some ambition and balls'; his roommate hadn't paid his share of the rent again; and he was thinking about ending it all. Then he saw the banknote.

11-19-2002, 09:30 AM
and called 212-015-0154, which turned out to be an escort service. As luck would have it, Bob was the 100,000 caller and was given a free outing with three of their most popular ladies, including the dry cleaner's girlfriend. She saw 26F and recognized her boyfriend's handwriting and...

11-19-2002, 10:54 AM
was suddenly reminded that he was indeed the one true love of her life and she was throwing it all way by continuing to work for an escort service. Bob gave the dry cleaner's girlfriend 26f as a tip. She then went to the 7-11 where she used 26f to buy a pack of cigarettes and a pack of cherry cough drops. The prostitute/clerk at the 7-11, after copying down the dry cleaner's phone number, then gave 26f as change to Bob Dole who had just purchased a Pepsi Blue TM and a hand job. Bob left the 7-11 with 26f and went to...

11-19-2002, 11:46 AM
...hail a cab. But this time 26F stayed in his wallet. Sometime later, back at his office, Mr Dole gave the note as part of a thank-you for services renderd to a departing intern. The intern, a junior law student finishing up an overseas work term, returned to university in Aix-en-Provence, France.

Banknote 26F ended up in the till of a foreign-exchange booth at CdG Airport outside Paris. It was given to an Armenian software engineer when the engineer traded in his remaining euros for US dollars before a trip to a open-source embedded-design conference in California. On the plane, high above the Atlantic...

11-19-2002, 12:01 PM
...the engineer tried to buy a wine spritzer from the flight attendant and paid with 26F. The flight attendant, who was retiring after 35 years of dedicated service, scolded the Armenian software engineer and said she was not allowed to date passengers, and how dare he be so arrogant as to try to slip her his phone number on a five dollar bill. She decided he had probably had enough to drink, and refused service, returning the fiver.

11-19-2002, 01:27 PM
The engineer was undaunted, however, and terribly horny. He skipped the conference and rented a car on the company tab for a quick trip to Vegas, figuring that a little gambling and a prostitue or two was better than some stuffy open source conference. He used 26F to tip a waitress in the hotel bar in the hope that she would leap on him in joyous ecstasy for being such a big tipper. She didn't. Instead she....

Orange Skinner
11-19-2002, 02:20 PM
...rushed over to the drug store after work. Her infected boils were all aflame again, and scathingly itchy. It was time for some ointment. Lots of ointment. More oinment than you could shake an infected boil at. Scratching at her inner thighs and the webbing between her disfigured toes by turn, the waitress forked over 26F and purchased a Family Size Tub of Big John's Boil Cream. Cos if it's a big boil, it's gotta be Big John's.

11-19-2002, 02:56 PM
After a few uneventful months in the drug store's safe, 26F was finally given as change to a shy, awkward, high school senior who was buying deodorant for his big date. Since he knew his crush object was a slightly nerdy type herself, and into all things Japanese, he made her a truly exquisite origami five-dollar-bill-ring. Sadly, it was folded out of 31E, a cocky, fresh, crisp, 5-dollar bill. 26F, wrinkled, smelly and worn, next...

11-19-2002, 03:40 PM
...wafted into the street, where a big rig driven by Big Stan Brown ran over it. It stuck to a wheel; a few blocks later Stan and his petite wife Louise got out. Louise noticed it and peeled it off the truck-tire tread; she'd been nursing a grudge with the paperboy, who was due to be paid the next day and had a nasty habit of throwing the Browns' newspaper in the rose planter, on top of the rabbit hutch, or through the bathroom window. She kept 26F, soiled appearance and all, and paid him with it plus other currency the next day. The paperboy, not a quick study, used the well-traveled fiver at...

11-19-2002, 04:16 PM
... a game of three card monty being played by some unscrupulous 8th graders. He followed the "hand is quicker than the eye" routine, and felt confident that the red queen was on the left, but alas, the card on the left was revealed to be a club. The unscrupulous 8th graders then took their booty to the parking lot of the nearest liquor store and began asking random customers...

11-19-2002, 04:23 PM
...if they wanted to try their luck at the game. A security guard chased them off the lot; the kid with 26F lost interest in TCM and wandered a few blocks away to a fish & chips stand; he used the bill to buy a small serving plus a Coke. The proprietor put a $10 bill into the till in place of 26F and another fiver; he picked up some milk at the nearby supermarket on the way home. A thieving check out clerk saw the soiled fiver and...

11-19-2002, 04:55 PM
...its mysterious phone number. He pocketed the bill and went home gleefully, visions of creamy telephone orgasms in his head. When he called the number using his default long-distance carrier, however, the system merely gave a error message. He tried a number of other long-distance carriers, for each one dialing a different "101" code in front of the number. Still no luck. But then... something connected.

There was a click. A voice with an odd accent said, "Ha lo? Kiu vi estas?"

The clerk did not respond.

"Ha lo! Kiu vi estas!!" The voice was upset. "Respondu!"


"Respondu al mi! Nune! Se ne, mi sciigos la policistojn! Vi ne rajtas uzi tiu cxi linion!!"

Silence from the clerk, who was secretly amused. "What a goof," he thought. "Can't even speaka da Inglish." He said nothing and continued listening.

The voice, now quite angry, said, "Do. Via kulpo. Mi informigis la Centralon. La nigraj helikopteroj nun iras vien. Andiaux." There was a disquieting chuckle from the phone. The the call was broken.

The clerk looked at the telephone. "Well. That was weird," he thought. He hung up the handset. "Oh well. Maybe I'll order pizza..."

11-19-2002, 05:01 PM
"...now, what kind of pizza should I have? I like sausage and pepperoni, but I'm kind of in the mood for onions and green peppers. Or maybe should I go wild and try extra cheese this time, and maybe even some anchovies?" A paragon of decisiveness, the clerk pondered the question for another 15 minutes, then picked up the phone, and dialed the pizza place.

"Hello, this is Papa John's. Will this be delivery or carryout?" said the voice at the other end.

The clerk did not respond.

And then....

11-19-2002, 05:28 PM
The silence was deafening.

Distracted, he looked down at the bill and studied it carefully.

There was something alluring, almost arousing about Honest Abe's portrait. The close he looked, the more his eyes were drawn to the beard, on the left side of the chin.

Much to his surprise he saw the word SEX (http://www.biblerevelations.org/articles/sexand.htm) embedded right there for all the world to see.

"I've gotta do something about this," he thought. "I mean it's one thing for Disney animators, corporate CEO's and Madison Ave types to pull this kind of stunt, but not the engravers at the US Dept. of Treasury"

Having realized Papa John's makes really shitty pizza and not even feeling hungry anymore, he hung up the phone and dialed his the number of his old friend Paul O’Neill…

11-19-2002, 05:28 PM
...In came the clerk's live-in girlfriend, carrying a large pizza with all the topppings he liked. "Surprise!" she said.
Then she asked, "Jimbo, I've got to do some laundry. Can you give me five for the laundromat?"
"Sure," he said, and handed her the 26F bill. She trundled her laundry basket across the street. But just as she approached, she saw someone inside tampering with a change machine in the laundromat, and a plainclothes cop with a sliding gait wtacthing him. She nervously clutched the bill and...

11-19-2002, 08:46 PM
...looked back towards Jim's apartment. As she looked, however, three silent black helicopters came down out of the night sky. Ropes fell from their open side doors. Commandos slid down them. The first smashed bodily through the apartment window. Two more followed. Others landed on neighbouring rooftops and took up guard positions.

A few seconds later, the first two commandos reappeared at the apartment window, bearing a struggling man-size burden. The ropes hauled them back into one of the helicopters, which turned, rose, and began to accelerate away. A moment later, the other commandos started back up their ropes, and, as they were climbing, their helicopters followed the first.

Suddenly the scene was motionless. Joan--Jim's girlfriend, though he'd never called her by name, and indeed she wasn't even sure whether he knew her name--just stood there and looked. Yes, that was her apartment.

Yes. Her apartment. Her name was on the lease; she paid all the bills, and that freeloader Jim just sat around and loafed, or hung out with his no-good poolhall "friends". Where did he get his money, anyways? She didn't really want to know. She would have turfed him out weeks ago, but... but... he was so good in bed. He knew all the right spots. It was like he could look at anything, even the freaking phone, and see just the right way to arouse it. He joked that he gave phonre-sex workers orgasms.

She clutched the five-dollar bill. Her breast heaved. Would she ever find as good a lover again?

She sighed. Maybe it was just as well...

11-19-2002, 10:17 PM
... because although the sex was great, he had a tendency to beat her when he got angry.

As Joan bent to the task of loading up two washing machines, she thought of Jim and what he may be going through now. She also wondered, honestly, whether she should even go home after she was done with the laundry...

She put 26F in the change machine and got back 20 quarters for her laundry.

The following morning, Paul Overfield, the cash collection clerk for Squeek-E-Kleen Laundries emptied 26F into a locked deposit bag and headed back out of the laundromat to the armored car just outside. He was but three feet from the truck when ...

11-19-2002, 10:35 PM
... he slipped on a banana peel and landed face first, shattering the cartilage in his nose. And as he spurted blood onto the ground, the deposit bag flew through the air and landed on the ground roughly, spilling open, quarters spilling out onto the asphalt with a clicking sound and bills stirred up by the wind. As 26F was caught and carried by a quick gust...

11-20-2002, 12:52 AM
...A buxom woman named Jane Bradley, accompanied by her husband Joe and their five kids, walked that way. A pert gust of wind caused the fiver to slip between Jane's ample boobs.
Joe dared to snicker; the kids did not. There was a laugh from the commandos, still on the rooftop, as they trundled Jimbo away, to the delight of the weary Joan. Most likely the commandos would drop Jim off at the county line and tell him never to come back.
Meanwhile the cop arrested the burglar in the laundromat and Jane pulled the 26F bill out of her cleavage, with only Big Joe daring to watch. She stuffed it in her handbag. Jimmy, her youngest, wanted some bubble gum, so Jane and Joe went to an AM-PM mart, where they...

Find Friends
11-20-2002, 09:44 AM
...bought a shiny new T-Square with it. The nerdy store clerk promptly...

11-20-2002, 10:14 AM
...put it in the till and went on to the next sale.

26F languished in the till for almost a minute. The store was busy, and the next few customers after Mrs. Bradley only required one-dollar notes or coins for their change. Soon the clerk needed more ones. He pressed the intercom. "Ellie! It's Per at the front! I need twenty in ones and ten in quarters!"

A bulky lady appeared from the back of the store. At the front, she took a twenty-dollar note from Per's till, and--there being no tens--two fives, including 26F. She replaced them with a stack of ones and a pile of quarters. "Thanks, Percival. You're always such a dear." She patted the clerk on the head.

"You're welcome," said Per through gritted teeth. "Please don't call me that."

"But dear! It's your name! You used to love hearing it! Why, when I was your babysitter..."

"Mrs Bonham! Please!" The clerk blushed. Several girls in the lineup giggled. Oblivious, Mrs Bonham moved away.

His cheeks red with humiliation and embarassment, Percival Howley served the next customer. And banknote 26F rested in a cashbox in a dingy office at the back of a conveniece store on a street of broken dreams...

11-20-2002, 01:28 PM
...until it was deposited in the night deposit box of the local bank by the asst. manager.

The next day, while counting the deposits, bank teller Shelly accidently cut her finger on a crisp new five dollar bill. Drops of blood spiled on the counter top, one just catching the corner of 26F.

The DNA of bank teller Shelly activated a microscopic transmitter unknowingly placed in 26F by the unscrupulous 8th graders who had lifted it from a CIA operative with a gambling addiction and surprisingly low IQ.

The transmitter sent a coded message to...

11-20-2002, 01:38 PM
... me, but I deleted it because I thought it was spam having forgotton that I'd encoded my hotmail address onto the transmitters chip.

26F in the mean-time spent 6 days in the bank's vault before THE BANK WAS ROBBED and 26F went with the millions upon millions of other dollar bills to...

11-20-2002, 02:01 PM
...land in one of a series of canvas bags jammed into the back of a van screaming along the interstate, police in hot pursuit. The...

11-20-2002, 02:38 PM
...criminals not stopping until they finally hit a red light in New York City where they stopped for nachos and a cold drink. 26F being used to pay the prostitute/cashier. A short time later a regular customer stopped in for a "quick one" and while the cashier was busy and had her eyes closed he rifled the till and glommed onto 26F. He had planned to stay for a second round but one of the Secret Service men assigned to him reminded him that Hillary expected him home for dinner. In gratitude he gave 26F to the agent who....

11-20-2002, 02:50 PM
...died. Unfortunately for all around him, he had been wired to a "dead man switch" which unleashed a deadly biotoxin into the taco salad.

At the autopsy, 26F fell onto the cold tile floor and lay unnoticed for weeks, until...

11-20-2002, 03:21 PM
...it was picked up by assistant medical examiner Art Farhken. A curious deja vu came over him...he knew the phone was about to ring.

The phone rang. Art picked up the phone and spoke. "Hello, this is Papa John's. Will this be delivery or carryout?"

Art stared at 26F, the confusion growing in his mind. No one responded at the other end. Art swooned, and as the bill fell from his clammy hand...

11-20-2002, 03:27 PM
..the janitor awoke from his coma and went back to work. When he went to sweep 26F into the dustpan, he noticed a bit of green and splotch of dark red. Thinking it was too early for Christmas, he picked it up for a better look. Lunch!

He was in a time crunch so he stopped at a nearby convenience store and bought a bag of doritos and a prized nehi soda. The prosititute/clerk then...

11-20-2002, 03:46 PM
.........morphed into Captain Kirk who took out his phaser and vaporized 26f. 26f was not mentioned again for 23.65 billion years until.........

11-20-2002, 03:55 PM
...God, AKA Jon Bon Jovi, miraculously rematerialized 26F back into the current time stream. In fact, back into the hands of junkie John, who was intrigued by the pretty green color. Sneezing, he let go of 26F, which caught a gust of wind and ended up at the door of...

11-20-2002, 03:55 PM
..."Wuzza?" The clerk snapped out of the Star Trek fantasy. "I said, give me the change from my ten!

The clerk hurridly gave the blood-covered circus clown 26F, who turned on his floppy oversized heel and stormed out, where he came upon...

11-20-2002, 03:58 PM
...a dimembered torso...

11-20-2002, 04:35 PM
...of WildestBill...

The Great Zamboni
11-20-2002, 05:56 PM
...and handed it to a passerby as part of a bribe to keep quiet about the body parts. The passerby then...

11-20-2002, 07:20 PM
..., in a coincidence usually only seen in Dickens novels and internet expose sites, discovered the dismembered body was actually Ralph Franks who had been his neighbor in Nebraska 42 years ago. He had once borrowed a dime from Frank and never paid it back. Doing some quick math he found that, with interest (compounded annually), he now owed Frank exactly $5.00. Quickly he inserted 26F into...

11-20-2002, 07:37 PM
...Frank's rectum, quite roughly, and muttering angrily, "You lousy miserly bastard... No, can't spare a dollar, you said... No, can't spare a quarter, you said! Here, buddy, I can spare a dime, you said! Lousy stingy no good... grumble mutter. And after all I let you borrow, too! My plow... my tractor... that night with my wife..."

As the disgruntled passerby stood up, he was stopped by a police officer, who arrested him for molesting a corpse. The cop retrieved 26F, sealed it in an evidence bag, and went back to the station, where...

11-20-2002, 08:49 PM
...a very hungry adn underpaid Evidence Room Supervisor saw the fiver, figured it just needed the "mud" rinsed off of it and who needs something as mundane as that for evidence (he not realizing the importance of ALL things gathered at a crime scene) and ended up using 26F to pay for a hot dog, a COke and some potato chips to quiet his growling tummy. Our, eh, "hero" languished in the red canvas "fanny pack" of hot dog/gyro vendor, Sven Stevenson, for several hours until...

11-20-2002, 09:20 PM
... a dog he happened to glance at told him that the clerk prostitute at the 7-11 was "due for a payment." Sven's alternate personality, Twiggy Boy, an exotic dancer for Donald Trump, paid for the 9mm ammo with cash, including 26F.

The fecal matter annoyed Malcom, the gun store clerk, and he threw 26F back at Twiggy Boy, screaming, "Go Away, you sick bastard!"

Twiggy Boy enters the 7-11, but the prostitute isn't there. The dog hadn't prepared him for this. So he bought...

11-20-2002, 11:24 PM
... a pack of cigarettes, an orange gatorade and three corn dogs - Tiwggy Boy always did this when he was deeply confused, but he didn't know why.

26F didn't stay in the till long, however, for Twiggy Boy's internal alien presence told him to turn around just before he reached the front door of the store. He calmly withdraws the 9mm Beretta from the back of his jeans and shoots the 7-11 part-time fill-in clerk cleanly in the head, mob-hit style. He then emptied the gun into the cash register, took 26F and walked out of the store. He walked half a block and got in to a waiting ...

11-20-2002, 11:57 PM
...hansan cab for a quick, celebatory ride through the Bronx. "It isn't everyday," he jovially told the driver, "When you get to off a prostitute/clerk and a cash register." Feeling quite proud of his singular achievement he lit a cigarette just as the rather large horse pulling the cab cut a fart of biblical porporations. The resulting explosion blew 26F away from his shattered body and...

11-21-2002, 01:34 AM
... was picked up by a mime, who proceeded to use it in acting out a very poignant yet disturbing piece about a cross-dressing corporate attorney who falls upon hard times, loses his job, and becomes a wandering minstrel. After finishing his performance, the mime wandered across the park and...

11-21-2002, 04:26 AM
... pondered greatly about the significance of the alpha-numeric... hmm.. 26F; what could it be. Our boy wonder however did not have to search too far for the answer. Solid Geometry. Owen made a few quick folds of the note. Suddenly he realised that he could be a challenger at the next World Origami Contest. Owen had a 26 Faced solid in his hand ... made from authentic Government paper...

11-21-2002, 05:39 AM
...and Owen Sharp won the prize he had coveted, a new Hewlett-Packard computer, with America Online 8.0 CD's as a bonus. :D
Owen, however, was still imbued with the virtues of prudence and thrift his parents had instilled in him, as with his 14 older siblings. So he promptly used five one-dollar bills, folding them in the same exact manner as 26F, and had the family butler store them in a case in the anteroom off his bedroom. Later Owen met his girlfriend, Katrina Oranjeboom, 12 going on 18. They wanted to go to White Castle and he gave her 26F to pay for a couple of "slider" burgers. Katrina, however, pulled another fiver out of her wallet when they bought the burgers and onion chips at White Castle. At home her mother asked for a five for five ones. Now the Oranjebooms, Pete and Loora, who have an active--and kinky--sex life, sauntered off to the local porno shop, owned by a buddy of Pete's in the Navy who saved his life in the Gulf War. They used 26F to pay for a variety of odd sex devices...

11-21-2002, 07:18 AM
that in former lives were Victorian era dental equipment. Pete's buddy put 26f in the till, where it lay unsued and forgotten for approximately two and a half minutes until the full-time 7-11 prostitute/clerk purchased a pack of double ribbed condoms in day glow orange and was given 26f as change. The prostitute/clerk then went down the street to Walgreen's where she used 26f to purchase a tube of "Barney purple" frosted sparkle lip gloss. 26f was then...

11-21-2002, 07:27 AM
...languishing in the till at Walgreen's until Mary Blonda got it in change after buying snacks for her younger boys, a fan magazine for her teenage daughter April, and a baseball cap for her husband, Bob. About 20 minutes later, still shopping, Mary noticed on a sidewalk that two buttons on her well-worn white blouse were about to come undone, a situation not helped by her generous figure. Fortunately she was now approaching the entrance to a well-known women's wear store...

11-21-2002, 09:54 AM
...which she bypassed. Being frugal, she went down the street to the local K-Mart and bought a Martha Stewart collection blouse made from pinecones and recycled aluminum foil. After she paid for her blouse, 26F languished in the K-Mart safe for 48 hours until the bankruptcy attornies got their hands on it. Then,....

11-21-2002, 10:10 AM
...all hell breaks loose. Terrorists take the K-Mart attornies hostage and demand that CBS stops showing Michael Jackson as news. George W steps in and fires the CBS executives, setting off a chain of horrific events ending with the massacre of the K-Mart attornies. Abdul Ammah Abdul, (formerly Kevin Bacon) realising he is in danger, escapes into the annonimity of his career. Unconciously, he pockets 26F. Back in LA, his houseboy finds 26F while rifling through Kevin's jeans pockets after he slipped him a mickey in his Ovaltine. Disgusted, the houseboy...

11-21-2002, 10:54 AM
..., whose name is Rudiger, vows never again to answer an anonymous job ad in the back of Variety. He looks around the somewhat-threadbare mansion, and realises it's time to get a better job. He packs a bag with his few possessions, runs out the front door (leaving it unlocked), and tears away in Abdul's purple Porsche.

A few minutes later, on Sunset Boulevard, he realises that a) he's not far from Deadman's Curve, and b) he needs gas...

11-21-2002, 11:20 AM
... and c) that he's just hit a caribou, which has made points (a) and (b) somewhat moot due to the excessive crumpling of the hood and engine of his car. He tries to flag down some help, and a car finally stops. The car is driven by...

11-21-2002, 11:25 AM
...a lonely couple that just happened to be driving along when this unfortunate incident occured. Unfortunately, they leave him there for fear of being some kind of caribou murdering psychopath, whereupon he....

11-21-2002, 11:43 AM
..shakes his fist in frustration at their departing car. Traffic passes; no-one else slows down. Eventually, a public bus appears. Yes, a bus. In Los Angeles. Rudiger runs to the bus stop a few metres away, and gets on.

The bus requires exact-change cash payment, and, being the houseboy of a minor member of the LA glitterati, Rudiger has none. He is forced to insert banknote 26F in payment, even though five dollars is more than two bus-fares.

As the bus carries Rudiger to his destiny, the mechanical farebox stores banknote 26F in its cash vault. At the end of its run, transit staff remove the cash vault from the bus and take it to the counting area. Banknote 26F is bundled with other five-dollar bills and forwarded for deposit at the transit authority's merchant account downtown...

11-21-2002, 01:31 PM
...said, "What the hell, I want to have a good time with this.", and so he proceeded to go downtown. He was looking around at all that was offered there, and really wasn't too impressed, when all of a sudden, he noticed in a store window something he always wanted, a.....

11-21-2002, 02:03 PM
... Malibu Barbie. He rushed into the store only to see that a little freckle-faced girl with pigtails just picked it up, and it was the last one in stock. As the little girl walked towards the register...

11-21-2002, 02:19 PM
she spied a "Teen Slut Brittany" doll, so she put Mailu Barbie down and bought teen slut instead. He (not sure who he is right now) picks up the Malibu Barbie along with a couple of accessories and uses 26f as payment. The little freckle-faced girl with pigtails was the next customer in line, so she received 26f as change. She left the toy store and went into the...

11-21-2002, 02:22 PM
..car with her mother. Her mother quickly derided her for such a poor purchase and took away 26F as punishment to the daughter. The girl cried but Teen Slut Brittany made up for it with her low riding pants and open midriff shirt. She secretly longed to look like Teen slut Brittany. At least she was more realistic looking in the trailer park town than affluent Barbie.

11-21-2002, 02:23 PM
...he realizes that, this being California in the 21st century, that he has a drop dead case of false advertising and (since his heart is broken) product liability. As luck would have it directly behind him was Franklin "Bend Over Bitch" Feinstein, attorney at law and avid Malibu Barbie collector. In minutes he has concluded an out of court settlement with the store and the transit authority man, Preston Trueheart by name, leaves the store wealthy beyond his wildest dreams. Realizing that a man of his wealth has no need of five dollar bills he...

11-21-2002, 02:39 PM
...attempts to donate to a local church. But, as he walks into the rectory, an FBI sting operation arrests him and confinscates all his possesions, including 26F.

Former A.D. Skinner, being in charge of the evidence room after his demotion, and being quite hungry, "confinscates" (no, I can't spell! so there!) 26F for his own use. Going down to yet another prostitute run convenience store, the aptly named Quicky Mart, Skinner runs into David Duke.

Duke reminds him that he still owes him for lunch. Skinner, hating Duke, decides just to give him some hush money so he (Duke) will just shut up. 26F goes into the front pocket of Duke's soied Levis.

Later, as night begins to fall...

11-21-2002, 02:41 PM
soied = soiled (sorry)

Later, as night begins to fall...

11-21-2002, 02:44 PM
David Duke took 26f to the 7-11 where he purchased a big grab bag of Fritos TM and a handjob from the clerk/prostitute who works there. Instead of putting 26f into the till, the clerk/prostitute....

11-21-2002, 03:05 PM
So Rudiger, whose real name is Porfirio Mandelbright( of the Boca Raton Mandelbrights ), took the road not taken and headed up to the Pacific Coast Highway for a combination fuel stop/carbo run. Just a few miles north of Marina Del Playa Du Ray Aux Champagnes Du Lax, Rudiger eases his newly acquired Porsche into the full service lane of Duwayne's All Day All Night Carboteria And Fresh Produce Mart.

Rudiger pops out of the Porsche, calls out an instruction to the gasjockey and heads for the pissoir. After taking what can only be described as a pee of leviathan proportions, Rudiger washed, combed back his glossy black hair and perused the aisles, looking for just the right combo of carbos and vegetables.

He finally decided upon a snack of Krispy Kreme Vanilla Double Toot Suite Ripple Surprise Compote, and a small bag of carrot sticks. He grunged around in his pants pocket, and pulled out not just our hero, 26F, but to his surprise he realized that these were NOT his pants he was wearing. Instead, they belonged to the Mysterious HouseGuest from last night.

In his grimy palm he stared in awe at.........................

11-21-2002, 03:16 PM
..............two completely different story threads. And a five dollar bill with his phone number written on the back. The bill was, of course, 26F.

Rushing to a pay phone to check his messages, Rudiger slips on the ice of the freak LA snow storm, and slides into the open door of a stopped limo.

Inside was...

11-21-2002, 03:24 PM
I think we've got some kind of quantum many-worlds-interpretation thing going here...

11-21-2002, 03:43 PM
yeah, i'm trying to "Sliding Doors" 'em together, but they're not cooperating yet

.....inside was Twiggy Boy and Kevin Bacon. Rudiger said, ".....

11-21-2002, 03:58 PM
"Hey, Kevin, I still owe you five for that bet you won last week." Rudiger hands him the bill, 26F.
A few days later, Kevin, not really watching where he's going, steps on a mud puddle on the sidewalk, splattering a woman's skirt with mud. She is the super-busty Sally Mears, she of countless SDMB postings, who hasn't been able to see anything beneath her bosom since she was 12. But she has an acute tactile sense and knows when she's been splattered with mud, and to what degree.
Sally snaps at Kevin, "Look what you did! That's going to cost me five dollars to get dry-cleaned!" Kevin meekly hands Sally the bill, and walks away.
A few days later she goes to Victoria's Secret, hoping to get a black bra in her size. She gets what she wants, and pays in cash, including 26F, but the bug-eyed male cashier becomes quite the helpless klutz, and...

11-21-2002, 04:55 PM
...falls face first into Sally's 17 1/2 inchs of cleavage where Sally, attempting to drag him out so she can beat the snot out of him, only manages to wedge him in further. The clerk, (who moonlights as an unknown gender prostitue on weekends), suffocates. Other patrons of Victoria's Secret seeing the trouble call the fire department who...

11-21-2002, 08:48 PM
...arrive with the Jaws of Life. After staring slack-jawed at the clerk hopelessly entangled in bosom and undergarments, the firefighters deftly removed poor Cedric. Though they tried to revive him, it was simply too late. At Cedric's funeral, a fellow Victoria's Secret clerk walks up to Cedric's mother and hands her 26F. The clerk told her,"I found this on the floor after the firefighters arrived. Cedric seems to have dropped it in the struggle. I thought you might want it to rememer him by." Sobbing, Cedric's mother...

11-21-2002, 10:01 PM
invested the five spot in a bag of lemons, ice and a card table he pulled out of his basement and a bottle of his dad's burbon, which he used to start a small restaurant which would eventually grow to a large multi-national chain.

The vegetable merchant, from who Owen bought the lemons, put the 26F into the left front pocket of his smock, which is where he kept fives and tens, it stayed there until...

11-21-2002, 10:36 PM
...his kid, Smookie, asks for his allowance. Veg merchant gives Smookie 26F and 3 other fivers.

Armed with ready cash, Smookie goes to the mall with his friends Algeeve and Renfrack. Al of them are just now 11yrs old, so they have to bum a ride from someone. Fortunatly for them, Renfracks older sister, 16 yr old Nikki JailBait was headed that way.

While on their way to the mall, Nikki asks if anyone of them has change for a twenty. and Smookie changes it for her, mesmerized by her ample breasts which are just about bursting from her two sizes too small silk blouse.

Of course, 26F was a part of change for the twenty.

After dropping off the boys at the front entrance of the mall, Nikki JailBait decides to...

11-21-2002, 10:52 PM
...takes the note, crumples it angrily, and throws it to the ground. "How could you think that mere money would replace my dear Cedric? I'll never get to hear him play his bagpipe synthesizer again! Music was his life! And the incompetent staff of this store took it away!" Sobbing, she goes for the totally-unprepared clerk. the other mourners recoil.

"I'll sue the store until its eyeballs bleed!" She starts to choke the unfortunate clerk (whose name really was Victoria, which explained why she wore a name badge reading Sam). Two other mourners restrain her, and the gasping Victoria, now pale with anger, says, "Take your hands off me! One more time and I'll sue you till your eyeballs bleed!!" The two women glare at each other. The High Priestess has interrupted her service, and several mourners have cellphones drawn.

Meanwhile, the crumpled 26F is blown by the wind into the hedge surrounding the graveyard. A squirrel...

Meanwhile, in another part of reality, seven serious hooded... beings... sit around a table. Their leader, known only as The First, speaks.

:: We have a problem. ::

The others look up.

:: Reality has fractured. There are at least six contradictory timelines featuring 26F now, and the rate of splitting is increasing. ::

The First activates a holographic display. A complex branching diagram appears. As the Seven watch, lines lengthen, and occaisionally one splits.

:: If this keeps up, within 80 hours the strained Interdimensional Barriers will be weak enough to allow the Sluggoth Terror to break free from the Dimension of Death. The last time that happened, fifty billion sapients died.

We must do something to recombine the timelines... ::

11-21-2002, 10:58 PM
The First attempts to get the squirell to eat the fiver. This fails.

Then Two atempts to get the squirell to bring 26F to them, this too fails.

Meanwhile, Seven is watching 16 yr old Nikki JailBait shopping at Victoria's Secret in the mall and has an idea...

11-21-2002, 11:03 PM
... THE BLOOD!! The specially DNA coded blood on the note! That may do it. All we have to do is get Nikki Jailbait to hand her version of 26F to the correct clerk. The clerk, of course, is...

11-21-2002, 11:13 PM
...an undercover cop posing as a clerk/prostitute with a leaning towards bestiality.

So, Seven distracts the other customers by projecting a holographic image of...

11-21-2002, 11:49 PM
...of some fat girl doing a donkey. But this being southern California no one pays any attention, until...

11-22-2002, 12:02 AM
...the donkey explodes in a shower of sparks (and geneticly altered blood), some of the blood landing on 26F, setting off it's transmitter again, this time sending a coded message to...

11-22-2002, 03:27 AM
R. Lee Ermey, who is the de facto leader of the New World Masonic Order of Fraternal Security Guards. "My ass is in trouble!!" He shouts, referring to the donkey rather than his behind. He jumps into a Hummer and heads off to...

11-22-2002, 04:18 AM
... Bottom Creek where all the explosions and actions have been taking place. The Hummer makes the most awful noise and R Lee Ermey cannot help but muse at the irony of the entire situation. He glances at the coded message he has received and grins sheepishly at the 26F. As he picks up the blood splattered note....

11-22-2002, 10:40 AM
:::::::::::::::::::::...reality shimmers.

Standing before him are Seven, Nikki JailBait, Rudiger, Kevin Bacon, and a very confused squirell.

Looking down to his hands, he sees two 26F's. Which one is real? Which one will cause all we know to disappear if chosen?

Seven says, "R. Lee Ermey! All creation is in your hands. Before you pocket one bill and leave, you must give the other to me. The message you received was from me. Hopefully, you now know what it means."

Amazed, R, Lee thinks about what is happening. It causes him to giggle almost uncontrollably, for the message was................................................................................................. ...........................::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

11-22-2002, 04:06 PM
..."Look behind you."
He does. Standing there is Sally Mears, with three boobsie friends, the blond Olivia Short and Betty Idelson, and brunette, Russian-born Vera Tedson. Standing with them are Owen Sharp and his girlfriend Katrina.
Sally speaks for the group, in her sultry contralto. "Lee--if you look at the coded messages on that old fiver you'll see the secret of the universe! Her tone of voice carries the unspoken message, If you do you will be permitted to have your way with my and my three bimbo friends."
Lee is an old hand at this. He's been around the block a few times and is not easily fooled. He takes a large magnifier and carefully scrutinizes the bill 26F on both sides; then he announces...

11-22-2002, 05:46 PM

With this, a cat dies and half of reality fades away with it. Unfortunately for R Lee, Sally Mears and her friends were part of the disappearing half.

Dejected, R Lee goes to the Bellagio and wagers the One True 26F on the Don't Pass line. Sadly, the shooter comes out with a seven and 26F goes into the drop box...

Miss Magic8ball
11-22-2002, 05:51 PM
where he visited with some other bills, 28j and 47b. They had a few laughs, shared a few inks, but their fun came to An end WHEN...

11-22-2002, 06:37 PM
...Jesus announced that He was holding several fundie preachers hostage. The Son of God was demanding a large ransom be paid, all in small bills.

A local rastafarian, Gimji, was collecting from area businesses to insure that there would not not be enough small bills for Jesus and He would just go ahead and kill the fundies.

"Hey, mon, this here bill is filthy!" Gimji exclaimed (refering to 26F), but he put it in the attache anyways.

Later, as he was collecting from the prostitute / clerk at 7-11, Gimji realizes he has an attache case full of money!

So he...

11-22-2002, 06:48 PM
...buys a ten year supply of "Extra Spicy" brand beef jerky and a case of Bud Lite, thus allowing the small bills to be used to ransom Oral Roberts and Jimmy Swaggart. Jesus, counting up the take, sees 26F and recognizes it as the 'ONE TRUE" 26F and holding it to his heart, tells everyone...

11-22-2002, 07:39 PM
. . . "Praise, well, me! For I am the true light. And for $5.00, I too can make you holy! Why, just look! I've saved one soul already!!"

Taken in by this ruse, a little old man hands him a twenty and asks for change. Jesus hands over the Lincoln-clad note to . . .

11-22-2002, 08:23 PM
...the little old man, actually an off duty and slightly intoxicated CIA accountant from Duluth. Who, as he stuffs "The One True" 26F into his wallet, wanders into another casino leaving Jesus muttering to himself, "What a minute. Should that have been, Praise Us instead of Me?"

11-22-2002, 10:12 PM
...The little old man from Duluth, nicknamed "Thorax," wandered about the Gold Lined Streets of Heaven, looking for a bar. Being the Baptist part of Heaven, there were bars everywhere. Disguised as dance halls, none the less.

Any ways... the Virgin Mary was calling out Bingo numbers in the Catholic part of Heaven, wondering wht it was so sparsely populated, when Jesus walked in.

"Hey, Mom," asks J.C., "Want to make some real dough?"

"Sure, Kiddo. What you got in mind?"

"Well," explains Our Savior, "There's this guy, Thorax, looking for some action. Being a CIA employee, he is of surprisingly low intelligence and doesn't yet realise he is still in the Nether Worlds, much less Heaven. So let's [whisper, whisper, whisper]"

A few hours later, 20 years by earthly clocks, Thorax wanders into what looks like a 7-11 run by prostitutes/clerks. 26F rests in his wallet. He glances at his watch...

11-23-2002, 04:13 AM
...which is the same kind Dr. Watson handed to Sherlock Holmes to examine. In so doing, Thorax clumsily drops some objects from that pocket, including 26F. It floats ever so slowly back to earth, and is blown furiously along the jet stream, which drops it in Japan, on the Ginza, right in front of a local precinct station of the Tokyo Metropolitan Police. A beat cop picks 26F up and...

11-23-2002, 12:34 PM
...heads for the donut shop, an instinctive cop reaction to the texture of a $5 bill. This proves frustrating due to a) the scarcity of Dunkin' Donuts franchises in this district of Tokyo and b) the lack of guaranteed legal tenderage of this gaigin bill which by now looks a lot like a very used restaurant napkin. (We shall not discuss what it smells like). Finally, though, he finds one (combined with a Taco Bell and a Baskin Robbins and a Pizza Hut) and in exchange for a bavarian creme and a large coffee hands all that remains mortal of 26F to the teenaged cashier, who...

11-23-2002, 12:35 PM
... is the first to recognize that it is a rather un-clever counterfeit, having just been photocopied onto a piece of light green paper, and cut out to match the size of a fiver. The fact that only ONE side was copied was also a clue...

Meanwhile, the real 26F was still in the purse belonging to the trailer park mother of Tiffany -- the pig-tailed girl who bought the Teen Slut Brittany doll -- who was not among the merging realities that converged upon the single One True 26FTM, now revealed as a counterfeit.

Tiffany's mom, Ethel -- known by her friends affectionately as "Bubba" -- was driving to the store (with 26F among the bills in her purse) to buy some new blocks for the trailer, when suddenly...

11-23-2002, 01:46 PM
:::::....reality shimers.....:::::

Seven, who is racking up somewhat of a record of frequent flyer miles, appears beside Bubba in the ligh blue minivan that Ethel thought of privately as Captain Amazing, and says, "WTF, Bubba? How did yoou escape our sensors until now?"

Bubba responds, "Because I only appear to be a slightly overweight cigar smoking bleached blonde trailor park divorcee. In Reality copywrite 2002 Geffen Recording, I am a powerful wizard named.... Tim. And I purposely hijacked your current timeline for my own evil purposes. Now, if you will excuse me, I have to meet Nikki JailBait and Rudiger at some seedy gin joint in Morroco. By the way, nice try in Tokyo. Too bad they're all dead now! Bwahahahahahaha!"

Having prepared herself for the worse, Seven (yes, she is a ultra-reality babe from Girls Gone Wild 7 removes the lipstick case from her purse, revealing it as that horrific, outlawed in 26 (see the irony?) universes, deadly weapon known as...

11-23-2002, 03:11 PM
... Cherry Red #10, with which she proceeds to refresh the coloring on her lips. She blots them with a tissue and then wipes a little red off of her teeth, and then....

11-23-2002, 03:24 PM
...a sudden gust of wind blows the One True 26F from her grasp; it sails into Bank One Ballpark, in Phoenix, AZ, and comes to rest on the field just outside the field-level seats. A peanut vendor sees it, but before he can pick it up...

11-23-2002, 03:31 PM
...a trash collector spears it with one of those pointy stick thingys. He needs all the cash and decides to buy himself a nice snack of peanuts. The peanut vendor is about to put it in his pocket when...

11-23-2002, 03:48 PM
...Barry Bonds slices a wicked foul to right. The ball's speed and location are just right to carry 26F outside the park, where it lands on the dashboard of a police car. The cop behind the wheel examines the bill carefully, and takes it to his crime lab, where...

11-23-2002, 04:04 PM
...an FBI investigator, on sabbatical and visiting some of his old buddies in the Arizona State Police's crime lab, recognizes the faded telephone number written on the surface of the battered bill and shouts...

11-23-2002, 04:25 PM
(He's an old Yale man and some of the lab personnel were on the Yale football team with him.)
Seriously, he scrutinizes the bill and comments, "That's the phone number for Nathan's on Coney Island. Too far to go for dinner. I wish people wouldn't use currency as scratch paper." He scratches it :D, but says "Just wash it; there's nothing incriminating about it unless you want to arrest people for being careless."
The FBI man hands the bill back to the cop who was driving. He duly washes and dries it; later he exchanges it for quarters at the police station's cashier window. (He has laundry to do in the laundry room at his paartment building.) 26F sits for a few weeks uin the petty-cash drawer until...

11-23-2002, 08:56 PM
...it's handed to the Station Chief, who is on the Friday-afternoon donut run. The Chief looks at it and suddenly realizes that it now appears completely genuine, yet the phone number and other scribbles are still on it.

In a certain secluded extra-dimensional meeting area, The First gathers the Team for a project-management meeting. They sit, crouch, perch, or ooze (as appropriate) on or in seats, cushions, perches, or containers (again, as appropriate) around the table, and settle in.

The First speaks. "Well, the situation is improving, but not as quickly as we might have hoped. The good news: most of the action is taking place in Timeline Q. Only three other timelines remain unmerged.

"Now, the bad news.

"One: we have only 16 hours left before the Sluggoth Terror can break free. Two: the copy of 26F in Timeline Q has inexplicably become counterfeit. This could draw unwanted attention. Three: a number of supernatural entities including Jesus, Methuselah, Manitou, Thor, Loki, and Elvis are interfering with our efforts to merge the timelines. And lastly... Seven has not returned."

The First pauses. There is no sound but the departmental secretary in the corner, who is entering the meeting minutes into a twelve-dimensional Microsoft Project chart.

"Three. What remains to be done to merge the remaining rogue timelines?"

Three, who has been playing a 'prerelease alpha' of Doom III on his/her knuckletop, suddenly snaps to attention and focuses all five eyes on The First.

"Uh, well, in Timeline S, 26F has been in the vault of the Pacific Bank ever since it was deposited there by the Los Angeles transit authority. We should be able to merge that timeline to the main timeline as soon as we get the equipment aligned.

"In Timeline W, 26F was burned after Rudiger's Porsche crashed. Not a lot we can do there without causing greater strain that there is already.

"Timeline K seems to have remerged on its own. I have no explanation for this.

"We lost Timeline B when R. Lee Ermey chose between the two probable banknotes and chose the wrong one! That left the provisional and somewhat contradictory Timeline F active, led to the note suddenly becoming counterfeit, and also was the last time we had a good fix on the location of Seven.

"It now appears that the choice was tampered with, perhaps by Loki. Jesus appeared in that timeline soon afterwards as well and left things rather muddled.

"So our best bet is to go with Timeline F, but to try to rationalize it as much as we can..."

The First sighs. "What a mess. These things always end up as snarls. And Project Management think that they can describe it all with GANTT charts!" He suddenly looks at the departmental secretary. "Uh, strike that from the record."

The meeting continues. Meanwhile, in the Dimension of Death, a cellphone rings. And back in Timeline K, the Station Chief arrives at the donut shop...

11-23-2002, 09:24 PM
...just as his cell phone rings.

"Odd," he thinks to himself, "I don't have a cell phone."

As he fumbles in his size 46 long jacket for the myterious cell phone, he accidently bumbs into a stunningly beautiful dark haired woman with fair skin, grey eyes, and the most astonishingly red lips he has ever seen.

Smiling, he apologizes.

"Quite alright, really," says Seven, reaching down to pick up her purse. "Um, have you seen a light blue minivan around here, Officer?"

The Chief, puzzled, answers, "What on Earth is a minivan?"

"Oh no!" says Seven, under her breath.

:::::reality shimmers:::::

"The phone call is for you, my dear Seven," an unremarkable looking man in a leather duster and cowboy hat says. Seven looks down at the jingling sound from near his feet and sees ivory spurs on the man's boots.

Recognizing him, she exclaims, "Loki!"

"Yes, now hand over that bill. And the other 26F you just lifted from the Chief."

:::::reality shimmers::::

The First calls out, "Alert! Alert! Everyone available to timeline K! NOW!"

As Seven ponders the NINE, yes nine 26F's in her hands, all manner of creatures begin to fill the donut shop. Some morph into shape from the napkin dispensers, some float like jelly doesn't from out of the cielinf fans, some just happen to suddenly be there, like when you turm the page of a book and find yourself skiing with Sonny Bono.

In the distance, a sheep is startled. Another cat dies. A million monkeys appear at Cecil Adam's door with a new version of Hamlet they've worked up.

And then, Seven knows what she must do. Looking around to make sure she is covered by her comrades, she...

The Great Zamboni
11-23-2002, 09:30 PM
...where the counter clerk wakes up from his acid trip and thinks "What the heck are timelines Q and all that crap?" and "I really shouldn't be tripping on the job". The cop has a "police discount" I.E. 100% off, but the cop feels generous today so he hands the the clerk 26F. The clerk pockets it. He later uses the bill as part of the transaction to buy more acid later on in the evening. He has that stupid "timeline" trip again, but this time...

The Great Zamboni
11-23-2002, 09:31 PM
Shoot mine was for Sunspace's post! I hate simulposts!

11-23-2002, 09:41 PM
...collapses in sobs.

"This is never going to work if we can't merge all the lines back into one."

Just then, the freaked out shop cleck comes over to her and offers her a jelly donut.

Smiling, Seven refuses and walks out into the night.

Meanwhile, on the mostly harmless side of town, a small time acid pusher counts his money. 26F is, of course in his hands too.

The pusher hears a strange noise, looks up, and squeals just as he is being shot by a large calibre handgun wielded by an unremarkable looking man dressed as a Vaquero.

Grinning, Loki picks up the 10th (maybe 11th) 26F, and wanders out into the night...

11-23-2002, 09:43 PM
(it's all cool, Zamboni, they still fit in our freaked out story. Everything fits!)

11-23-2002, 10:07 PM
...to another donut shop, where she very cautiously... buys one specific donut.

Back in the hastily-abandoned extra-dimensional meeting-room, the departmental secretary looks up from a game of Doom III with a sudden horrid realisation. The Team members had all gone to Timeline K, which may or may not still be in existence. And the "real" timeline (well, as real as anything ever got in this kind of affair, which, sometimes, wasn't very real at all) was actually Timeline Q! Seven was simultaneously in Timeline F and a newly-arisen Timeline G! The muddle extended to the Team itself!

The departmental secretary frantically reviews the minutes of the meeting with a despairing feeling, and then hears (or perhaps imagines) Loki's ghostly laughter, and a voice singing "Heartbreak Hotel".

Then all Hell breaks loose.

Meanwhile, at the donut shop...

11-23-2002, 10:11 PM
...a cockroach scampers across the counter...

11-23-2002, 10:13 PM
...toting a small backpack and a camera. It heads for the cash drawer. Nobody notices...

11-23-2002, 10:23 PM
...because it was a chamelean cockroach. Designed by the CIA operative with surprisingly low intelligence and a prediliction for gambling.

It was drawn to the now corrupted micro transmitter in this particular 26F.

The acid tripping shop cleark is able to see it, though, and attempts to engage it in conversation.

"Hey, cockroach. What ya doin?"

The cockroach stops, turns around, and...

11-24-2002, 12:29 AM
...replies in fluent Esperanto, "Nenion. Kial vi demandas? Cxu vi estas niano?" It waves its antennae.

The shop clerk's eyes widen. "It speaks...!" For some reason--drug logic, perhaps--this comes as a complete surprise, even though the backpack and camera did not. "Yo quiero Taco Bell? Hasta la vista. Peligro!" The clerk starts to laugh uncontrollably. "Ha ha ha ha ...urk."

That last interjection arises when the cockroach suddenly scuttles up the clerk's sleeve, goes all the way to the clerk's ear, positions itself halfway in, grabs on, and hisses in accentless English: "You will let me into the cash drawer now. Or I'll keep going till I come out your other ear."

The terrified clerk wails, "Bugs! Bugs! Get it off me! Get it off me! Aaaahhhh!!!" He opens the cash drawer. The cockroach scuttles back down the clerk's arm and vanishes among the banknotes.

A voice from the back of the donut shop snickers and says, "Hey, you come to work stoned again, Dave? Serves you right!" This was not the best reply. Enraged, the clerk leaves the cash desk and stomps into the back room...

Meanwhile, the members of the Team have used the distraction to exit the donut shop, following Seven and all the banknotes. They head to the other donut shop, where Seven has paid for her very specific donut.

In the Dimension of Death, Something answers the ringing cellphone...

11-24-2002, 03:14 AM
"Fletcher, Smedley, Baker, and Tanakawa law firm, good morning!"
For the original 26F had inexplicably appeared in a suit pocket of George Fletcher, a criminal-defense attorney getting a deposition from Officer Klenzy Wiggo at the property office in the police station. Wiggo had a nasty habit of pilfering currency from the petty-cash drawer, although he always made the amount up before he went off-shift.
Now Fletcher stopped for coffee and a roll at his favorite Starbucks.
And then she walked in--almost six feet tall, lissome, sultry, in an expensive pantsuit--Mariel Fletcher Wahnsinn. George's sister.
"Mom says you have to come home for dinner tonight."
George whined, "Aw shucks! Do I have to do that again?"
George had paid for his roll and coffee with 26F, screwing up the Timeline pattern the alternate-world creatures had been appraising. "Humph! Lawyers!" The head thing blinked his six eyes and slithered away. Then George and Mariel slithered away.
Meanwhile, the Starbuck manager, balancing the till for the day, put a $10 in the till in place of 26F and five Sacajawea dollar coins. He spent them...

11-24-2002, 05:34 AM
...at the late night video arcade that was across the street from the apartment building he lived in. Georges Otto Flamsteed III, 'Frodo' to his friends, had a particular weakness for the jet ski interactive game Surf Nazis Must Die which only accepted Sacajawea dollars.

He was having a less than stellar evening at said game and decided to change 26F for some more dollar coins just to see if he possibly break 18,979, his previous top score. He had a secret desire to fill the Top Ten Winners screen with "Frodo, Frodo, Frodo..."

The video arcade attendant, a down on her luck ex prostitute/7-11 clerk named Sindee HandJob, when home shortly after the arcade shut down for the night, about 3:30 a.m.

As she entered her apartment, unit 26F, she had an uneasy feeling. As though something was out of place, something awful was about to happen, someone horrible was in her place.

As she reaches for the light switch, a hand stops her. A smooth, deep male voice says, "Sindee, you have something I need."

Too frightened even to scream, Sindee turns around to face her assailant, rather surprised to see that it is...

11-24-2002, 10:42 AM
...Janet Reno. Janet says, "Ever since my failed bid to become Florida's governor, I've been working on a secret project, and I need an item that I think is in your possession. It is of vital importance to the security of the U.S., and maybe even the world."

This was, of course, not entirely true, for Ms. Reno was working alone, her devious plan to exploit the shifting timelines and to change the results of the Florida primaries. She radioed her accomplices at her secret base of operations, the burned out Branch Davidian complex in Waco, TX to give instructions.

...Meanwhile, Arthur Dent was not worried. He knew he could not possibly die yet, since he had never been to Stavromula Beta. He decided to pop off for a quick bite to eat down at Stavro's...

Ms. Reno said to Sindee, "Now, about this bill, "26F", as we in the government call it..."

11-24-2002, 11:11 AM
..."Snookie wookie ookie." (We've switched again. The words we just heard were uttered by Nikki JailBait playing with her pussy, a short haired tabby of indeterminate heritage.)

"You're just the cutest kitty in the world, yes you are, yes you are."

::::::: Seeing the human's perverted interests satisfied, The First decides on the next course of action, foiling Janet Reno's plans for global domination. Unbeknownst to The First, Reno wants control simply so she can halt the unkind parodies of her on SNL, a formerly funny TV show present in half of the timelines.

Seven, however is well aware of this ::::::::

....."the Ox," finished miss Reno, now out of breath.

Sindee, in a brave move, kicks Janet between the legs, forgetting miss Reno is a woman.

"Oops!' She says and uses the confusion to run out into the night.

Unknown to all ('cept Seven), Sindee is being followed by an unremarkable looking man sporting the latest in urban western wear.

Sindee runs to her car, a '76 Ford Prefect, and drives, with all due haste, to...

11-24-2002, 03:39 PM
...hide the disposable camera she used to take secret photos of Ms. Reno--who, despite the stresses of her job, and her suffering from certain nervous disorders, has an obviously shapely figure. Sindee doesn't want the former Attorney General to know about the pix lest she jump to an embarrassing, and wholly erroneous, conclusion about Sindee's sexual orientation.
Anyway, Sindee, without taking the camera inside with her, goes to a local photography shop. Using 26F, among other bills, she buys...

11-24-2002, 03:54 PM
...a used Topcon Super D. "If it's good enough for the U S Navy, it's good enough for me," Sindee thought to herself.

She never did think how odd it was for a photographic supplies store to be open at 4:00 a.m.

The used equipment manager, Ollie Ollie Allcomefree, known affectionately to his friends and family as Gunga Din, was counting out the bills at the end of his shift. 26F was just another filthy bill to him, not having a very discerning eye. (That's why he sold cameras instead of using them.)

But, something about the pathetic appearence of 26F did catch the attention of Muriel, the photo finisher, who also smoked way too much for her own good.

"Let me see that," she rasped.

Gunga Din handed over 26F to Muriel. Studying it closer, she is moved to exclaim, in a very high pitched, high volume squeal, "....

11-24-2002, 03:59 PM
.... a weathered house on a non-descript street about three miles from a dingy off-ramp on the Highway to NoPlace. A precious few on this spectral plane realized that number 711 Southland Place was in reality the Nexus. Appearing from the street as a non-descript weathered house, # 711 had a special room in the sub-sub-sub basement. The door was tiled and had brilliant fluorescent lighting. The walls were bare but for a single stainless steel door, and on that door was a handle. The handle was the inside latch to a walk-in refrigerator, and through that doorway was instant access to the over 3,455,000 7-11 Stores in the world.

Sindee fled through the non-descript rooms, down the non-descript steps to the Nexus. She drew 26F from the left breast pocket of her bib overalls ( causing all who were viewing the proceedings on the GalactaCam to sharply draw their breaths in, due to Sindee's astonishing decolletage and fine sense of fashion ). She stood gazing at the full serial number. Then, checking a tattered laminated card on her keychain, she stepped to the stainless steel door, keyed in a sequence to chose her destination, plucked an eyebrown hair out ( for, as we all know, DNA Keying is only months if not weeks away from reality ), inserted it into the HairKeySlot, and grasped the lever on the door.

Sindee took a deep breath, pulled the latch handle hard and stepped into the brightly lit hallway of a 7-11 in.................................

11-24-2002, 04:12 PM
...Tulsa, Oklahoma.

:::::A used Topcon Super D suddenly materializes some forty two miles above the surface of the earth. "Oh no. Not again," was all that went through the mind of the rather awkward to use 35mm camera. We have no idea what this means:::::

In the stainless steel 7-11, Sindee aproaches the Slurpee machine. Perched on top was a ferret named Steve, who had been given the power of human speach.

Steve looks at Sindee's ample bosum and exclaims, "Hey Genie! I wish I was human, too!"

Kazam, played by a limping Shaquille O'Neil, enters through an obviously open door, waving the nozzle of a smoke making machine around.

Kazam, leaning close to Steve the ferret whispers..."

11-24-2002, 04:17 PM
...Torrance, California. And, because she took a deep breath, her ample up-front assets broke the heavy wire clips on her bib overals, popping the straps off; the inertia popped her blouse open and for that brief moment, with the 7-11 employees and about a dozen surprised customers staring at her, Sindee stood topless at the entrance to the store.
A mature older man approached her and handed her a large beach towel to cover herself with. In gratitude Sindee handed him 26F. The man, rather bemused and shaking his head in wonder as he left the store, went on his way; after a day or so he spent 26F...

11-24-2002, 08:55 PM
...on a hand job at another local 7-11. It just so happened that the First was in the store buying a hot dog and an Arizona Iced Tea as a late-night snack. The First paid for his purchases with a twenty and received the 26F as change. Smiling, the First stuffed the 26F into a pocket of skin under his left arm.

Meanwhile, in Tulsa, Oklahoma, number Four (aka Shaquille O'Neil) left the 7-11 with the other 26F, having talked Steve the Ferret into crawling into Sindee's pants to steal it for him. Unfortunately for Steve, Sindee rather like having him in her pants and wouldn't let him leave. That wasn't Four's problem, however. Stuffing his copy of 26F into his pocket, Four left to meet up with the First and the others.

(Meanwhile, in Japan, the authorities toss the counterfit 26F into an incinerator along with a bunch of other counterfit money.)

With three more of the duplicate 26F's accounted for, we now turn to the donut store. The cockroach with the backpack and camera was crawling out the store's front door, 26F clenched in its jaws. Suddenly someone stepped out of an alleyway and walked up to the roach. "Hey, insect!" the person said in an annoying nasal voice. As the stranger stepped under the streetlight, the roach was shocked to see that it was...

11-24-2002, 09:22 PM
....Alex Trebeck, host of Jeopardy.

The geneticly enhanced roach people and the geneticly enhanced game show hosts had been warring with each other ever since Price Is Right went to a full hour.

"You again!" hissed the roach, and they circled each other warily, each aware of just how viscous and dangerous the other was.

::::Reality shimmers::::

In another place, previously unknown to any of the other characters, a race of super intelligent pan dimensional beings were waiting for...

:::::Reality shimmers again because that was from a book one of us had been thinking about a bit too much. Back to the 26F thingy::::

Sindee, back in her car, was considering going back to her place for some new clothes but wasn't sure if Ms. Reno would still be there. At least it was daytime now.

Then Sindee remembered a friend of hers, a severely depressed cross dressing mime, Dagwood the Elder, lived nearby and was pretty near the same size in the chest, though quite a bit taller. "Al I need is a blouse," thought Sindee. So to D the E's house she drove, narrowly missing Shaquille O'Neal as he argued with a group of seriously delinquent 8th graders about the fairness of the game they played on him where he lost a good sum of money. Was that 26F still in his possesion or not? Was he in Oklahoma or California?

Fortunately for all, it was still safe in a secret compartment in his size 24 Nike's.

Strangely enough, he seemed to be in St. Louis. At least, it smelled like St. Louis.

Unfortunately, a large, unweildy 35mm camera crashed into Shaq at quite a velocity. But, all this did to him was...

11-25-2002, 12:21 AM
...distract him momentarily. It had been braked to terminal velocity by air friction, and therefore simply bounced off the Afro that Shaq--Four--found himself inexplicably wearing. The camera flew across the riverside park, hit the base of the Arch with a bong noise, and landed in the Mississippi with a splash.

Four shook his head and looked around. Nearby was a 7-11...

In the Dimension of Death, Something hangs up the phone, and grins oozily. "It's time to move," It says to Its confederates. "Let us all gather at the Appointed Meeting Place. The Imprisoning Walls are almost down, and then we can move out on our holy mission to conquer and purify the universes."

A flunky nods obsequeously. "Yes, Lord Squelt. It shall be as you command." It finishes updating the minutes of the meeting in Microsoft Project.

Lord Squelt begins to toy with a small creature. This creature had been specially designed to feel pain. As Squelt's claws touched it, its tissues start to swell, allergically--but its skin doesn't. The little creature writhes in pain.

Lord Squelt chuckles, enjoying the fear, panic, and agony given off by the creature. Then he pops it into one of his digestive pockets. The sensations would continue for hours as Squelt's digestive juices slowly and delicately eat away at the creature's skin and breathing membranes. Then at the end there would be a satisfying crunch when the little creature finally collapsed and died.

It was going to be a yummy conquest.

In one of the target timelines, the cockroach and the game-show host are at an impasse. The roach holds its banknote over a burning cigarette butt in the gutter, and says, "Come any closes and 26F gets it!"

Alex says nothing, but carefully manoeuvres a seltzer bottle behind his back. The bottle, marked Property of Goodson/Todman Productions, had been given to him by one Porfirio Mandelbright in Los Angeles. It contained an effervescent solution of RoachAwayTM, the Cockroach Eliminator. He'd be able to take care of the cockroach and the cigarette butt, and make a start on laundering the banknote, all at the same time.

In The First's meeting room, the departmental secretary battles on. Desperately-flashing alarms show absent guardians the precise level of weakness of the barriers surrounding the Dimension of Death. But the Team seems to be lost in the maze of contradictory timelines.

Meanwhile, Seven...

11-25-2002, 12:51 AM
..stumbled around a corner; the original 26F slipped out of his skin pocket, and was carried by vague air currents up to a window near the apex of the Gateway Arch, where it was grabbed by a delighted tourist from Kalispell, Montana. He simply put it in his wallet.
After he got home, the tourist, Charlie Salbert, spent the well-traveled $5 bill for gas at a local Amoco station. The callow station attendant made change for himself; the next day he used the bill 26F at...

11-25-2002, 07:54 AM
...a Guns & Roses concert at the local old folks home. He bought a new head band with "Live Free Or Die!" written in white letters on a pink background.

The head band vendor, an unremarkable looking man dressed like almost everyone else in Montana, i.e., a cowboy, grinned to himself, mockingly genuflected before a shrine to Axl Rose, and used his supernatural abilites to transfer to the scene with the roach and Alex Trebeck.

"Loki," asks Trebeck, "What are you doing here?"

"I'd like to buy a vowell, Alex, " he mocked in answer. Then he sucker punched Trebeck, squished the roach, and pocketed this version of 26F.

Watching this, Seven wonders to herself if Loki might actually working for everyone's good, since he now has at least five of the spurious 26F's. She leaves Rudiger's hospital room and makes haste to...

11-25-2002, 11:50 AM
...the donut shop where the other members of the Team were gathered. A few seconds later Four showed up, sucking on a Super Big Gulp from the St. Louis 7-11. He pulled the 26F from Oklahoma out of his shoe and turned it over to the First. This reminded Seven about her stack of 26F's from various time streams. Seven turned them over to the First, apologizing to him for losing the original 26F. "I didn't know that you had a skin pocket like mine, Seven," First mused, "and why did dougie_monty refer to you as 'he'?" "Probably because it was dark and I was wearing my trench coat. But I've realized what we must do to save the timestreams and stop The Evil from entering our dimension. We must put all of the 26F's into the Infinity Merger back at the base. That will merge all of the timestreams and stop our foe."

"Excellent," the First replied. "Seven, go up to Montana and find the original 26F. Take Six with you. Three, Four, and Five, go find Loki and get his 26F's. And kick his ass for beating up our secretary. Two, go to the camera shop and get that last 26F. I'll be back at the base, getting the Infinity Merger warmed up."

Meanwhile, back at the camera shop, Gunga Din had finally gotten Muriel to stop shrieking "Facial hair! Facial Hair!" Murial had a pathological fear of men with facial hair. He wiped a little mud off the 26F, took a good look at ol' Abe's portrait, and was shocked to see...

11-25-2002, 11:54 AM
Oops, I forgot that Loki has the original. Let's just say that Six and Seven are going after Loki as well :o

11-25-2002, 12:09 PM
... shocked to see an original script for Hamlet that had been typed out by an infinite number of monkeys.

Two walks into the shop, wearing his pink taffetta prom dress that he bought from Sindee's friend, whatshisname.

(The portrait of Lincoln had no nose, the monkey script is gratuitous filler.)

"Pretty," mocks Muriel who then explodes for no reason.

Meanwhile, Six and Seven are coordinating with 4, 3, and Five to abush Loki.

But, Loki is aware of this because a traitor is in their numbers. The traitor is...

11-25-2002, 02:22 PM
...Eight, or, as he called himself, vosiem, being Russian. The others flushed him out like the traitorious lieutenant in Stalag 17, which all of these creatures had seen several times. And they got a written apology from dougie_monty for misidentifying the gender of one of them.
By a special laser process they gathered every last one of the 26F bills into the one locus, including the genuine bill, carelessly dropped by Gunga Din, who had a well-known reputation from klutziness.
The creatures carefully scrutinized all of the bills and properly identified the real McCoy, the only one to have the special thread inside the bill.
With the real 26F identified, the creatures gathered the fakes and disintegrated them. One took human form in order to return the genuine bill to Gunga Din, telling him it's been more trouble to them than it was worth, although certainly not ruling out further efforts to acquire, process, or even spend it.
With the creatures One through Seven out of the way for the time being (Eight suffered the same fate as the fake bills), Gunga brought Rudyard Kipling a copy of Punch and a serving of quinine water, remarkable since Rud has been dead for about 70 years. But Gunga was not deterred because...

11-25-2002, 03:29 PM
...somehow, he knew that anything was possible.

The Infinity Merger was, after all, capable of merging a lot of different timelines. So what if the targeting was a little off? The departmental secretary had had enough trouble keeping the game of Doom III going with its chat buddies, er, I mean, keeping the Team records updated in Microsoft Project--these Team klutzes wanted ten-decimal-place accuracy as well?

There were bound to be a few niggling inconsistencies left in the merged timeline, like Rudyard Kipling being present in the 21st century even though he had died in 1936, or the fact that Britain still marked its roads with distances in miles even though it was pretty much a metric nation, or the way that cows stared at passersby as if they were plotting something, although everyone knew they had the intelligence of cement.

Gunga and Rudyard sat in a cafe in London (how they got there was another of those niggling inconsistencies). Gunga had paid for the magazine at a 7-11 across the street, and banknote 26F rested in the back of the 7-11's cash drawer, in the spot reserved for ex-colonial artifacts. Britain being as expensive as it was, Gunga had had to supplement 26F with another US banknote, which was grudgingly accepted. The shopkeeper provided proper British change at an unfavourable exchange rate; for 15 US dollars and a magazine, Gunga received only 4 euros (yes, euros) and 78 cents. Clearly the shopkeeper was up to something...

In the Dimension of Death, all is ready. Lord Squelt's forces, battle machines and all, are poised at the interdimensional portal. The signal changes to green. They accelerate--and then there is a scene oddly reminiscent of a Harry Potter movie: every vehicle piled up in disarray at an unyielding barrier.

The portal would not open.

Lord Squelt rages. "Whose fault is this! I will flense them!"

A frightened flunky squeaks, "No-one's, Lord! The Team managed to merge the Timelines!!"

Lord Squelt savagely grabs the flunky and pops it into a digestive pocket. "Let's see you memo your way out of this 'situation', flunky!" The flunky shrieks as Squelt's digestive juices start their work. Squelt enjoys the sensation. Mollified somewhat, he turns to the others. "Get to work. I want a full report immediately. Weaknesses in the target universe, new resource budget for breaking through, everything. And I want it yesterday. And activate Sub-group B. I've had enough of that meddling Team." He pauses. "This won't be the last time they hear from us..."

11-25-2002, 03:39 PM
... and now it puts the bill in the basket...

11-25-2002, 03:49 PM
...meanwhile, the British 7-11 clerk/prostitute (wondering if indeed there were 7-11's in England or had she been conned for the last nine years?) Tracy Nadstume, decided it was about time she saw a movie. A good one, not one of those lousy multi million dollar kid's movies. Maybe Glitter.

As she walks to the cinema, she passes an unremarkable looking man in a grey trenchcoat, grey bowler, and navy blue pinstripe suit in the latest style from Milan. He was wearing black cowboy boots, though.

She doesn't have 26F. Tracy's just so incredibly cute in those low rider Lee's and black silk cropped blouse showing her perfect belly and pierced navel. She also had on a loose fitting grey trenchcoat of her own. She was wearing red cowboy boots.

Meanwhile, back at the Southland Corp owned convenience store in Islington (where 26F still resided), a large faced rotund upperclass twit clusily crashed through the plate glass window and uttered the most profound statement of all time..."

11-25-2002, 03:49 PM

11-25-2002, 04:05 PM
..."They're sending messages to us in code!"

The night manager looks up...

11-25-2002, 04:48 PM
...just in time to see the rotund upperclass twit pull a shard of glass from his large torso. It had punctured his heart and he quickly bled to death with a most astonished look on his face.

The unremarkable looking man in the grey trenchcoat steps over the body, stomps through the massive puddle of blood, and approaches the night manager.

"Did you just shove that man into my window?" the manager asks, his voice cracking with terror.

"Yes," says Loki, "I did."

He then reaches out to the manager's throat, clasping it firmly in his superhumanly strong hands. Tossing the now dead man aside, Loki ransacks the cash drawer.

26F is not there. Wildly flailing about the store, Loki dismantles everything therein.

26F is not there.

Bellowing in supernatural rage, Loki takes off at a run, looking for Tracy.

Tracy has just purchased a student priced ticket for the movie The Ring, having no idea she accidently pocketed 26F while closing out her shift.

Loki, out in the street, looks around, but can't sense Tracy or 26F.
Fuming in rage, he terrorizes an elderly poodle and it's even more elderly spinsterly old woman.

"Why, I never," she complains and narrowly misses being dismissed into the nether world by the arrival of...

11-25-2002, 05:18 PM
Team members Two through Seven. They back Loki into a dead-end alley, ready to exact vengence for his attacking their secretary, as well as for all the other trouble he's caused. Five steps forward from the group. "It's time for us to have some fun, Loki," the being cackles, and it removes its robes. Loki can't believe what is revealed.

Tentacles. Dozens of tentacles.

"Haven't I seen you in Hentai pictures?" Loki asks.
"Oh, shit."

Meanwhile, Tracy buys some popcorn and a drink. The total comes to $47 (funny how this theater in London accepts U.S. dollars). She pays with two twenties, two ones, and 26F.

About an hour later, 26F is given out as change to...

11-25-2002, 05:29 PM
... a snaggle-toothed, one-eyed, elderly appearing man with shockingly white hair and a regal manner belieing his peasent looks.

Peering closely at 26F with his one eye, Odin smiles and leaves the cinema, quite sure he can now buy back his eye with the other worldly bank note.

Stepping out into the street, his godly hearing hearing picks up the sounds of the ethereal struggle going on in the alley.

"My son," he utters in despair to no one but himself and hurries to the alley.

He passes the now blazing inferno that once was a nice little corner store.

From the corner of his vision, something in the store catches his attention...

11-26-2002, 12:56 AM
He sees in one quick glance:
A bookish-looking kid dressed in English private-school clothes, with a zigzag mark on his forehead.
A huge, blue, bearlike creature, accompanied by a little green thing with one big blue eye.
A huge green thing with odd tubes jutting out like green klaxon horn bells on the sides of his head.
A ten-year-old boy with jaundiced skin and buggy eyes, and with a slingshot in his hip pocket.
A statuesque, young, guileless blonde, who looks like she has trouble keeping her clothes on.
A big, overweight, yellow tabby cat.
A tall man in a black suit, with black stovepipe hat and chin beard.
Odin, still clutching 26F in his mitt, realizes he has now stepped over into...

11-26-2002, 11:32 AM
...Toledo, Ohio. Damn, Odin thought, I teleported myself to Ohio again. This never happened when I was younger. Maybe I have to stop taking Viagra.

As anyone who's been in Ohio knows, there isn't much to do there. After an hour or two of wandering aimlessly, Odin found a store that sold...

11-26-2002, 11:44 AM
...Cajun Peanut M&M's. They gots cayanne pepper in 'em, yessiree boy.

So, he bought some and a liter size RC Cola (it's 30 cents cheaper than Coca-Cola) to satify his godly thirst.

Meanwhile, in a London alleyway, Loki and five are involved in an epic struggle.

Everyone seems to not have noticed that 26F is now...

11-26-2002, 01:03 PM
...sitting in the cash drawer of a Kwik-E-Mart in Toledo, Ohio. It is soon given out in change to a little old lady from Etobicoke, who returns to her husband's Ford Taurus with her purchases. They drive away, heading for the Interstate and the Canadian border. A fwe hours later, they cross the border (avoiding a work slowdown by Customs officials).

The couple reach Toronto, and head for Old Chinatown to buy a rattan table set. After parking the car, they realize that they're thirsty, and 26F lands in the back of the till of the 7-11 at the corner of Spadina Avenue and College Street, there to wait until it's bundled with other US currency that may arrive, and taken to the bank for deposit...

11-26-2002, 01:22 PM
...which seems to run by feminazi crack whore lesbian pool cleaners. That's the name of their band, not a description.

The lead singer/bank manger, Erin, notices that 26F is glowing slightly. She takes it out of the bundle to examine it more closely. But, first she wants lunch. She places a call to the local chinese food delivery cafe, which is run by expatriated Italians from Riverdale, CA, and orders her favorite, dim sum pizza rolls with fried rice and guacamole. Mmmmm, guacamole.

Getting up from her desk, Erin doesn't notice for a few moments that 26F has been blown by a suspicious spurious air current towards the front door.

This being Canada, and winter, the front door is conveniently left open for rapid egress.

26F wafts out the door...

The Great Zamboni
11-26-2002, 05:04 PM
...where it blows for several blocks before an American picks it up. The American goes home to Detroit and spends it on Lions tickets. He walks back out of the stadium five minutes later, points a gun in the ticket sellers face and demands his money back. He gets 26f back, goes to a casino in Windsor, and spends it at the blackjack table. The unscrupulous blackjack dealer pockets 26f then...

11-26-2002, 05:20 PM
...takes off on a holiday to Florida. When he arrives at Tampa airport, he buys a "soda" in the terminal. 26F ends up in the till of a hotdog-vendor. The next customer...

11-27-2002, 12:00 AM
...receives 26F as change, of course, but doesn't keep it very long. She gives it to the guy in the office collecting money for Gertie's kidney.

Funny thing is, there is no Gertie. It's a scam. Francois simply forgot his lunch and is hungry now! So, Francois goes out to the same hotdog vender and buys two footlongs with chili and cheese. 26F and 53 cents covers the cost.

The hotdog vendor next gives it as change to Gertrude Flamsteed, who doesn't need a kidney. She uses 26F at a local magazine stand to pick up the latest People.

Alfred Yamtz, the magazine vendor takes a short break and buys a 22 oz cola from the hotdog vender, using 26F to pay for it.

The hotdog vendor, an unremarkable looking man in jeans, a pale blue tee shirt, hemp belt, and Miami University Hurricanes ball cap, grins inwardly. The ivory spurs on his boots spin slowly. He has been testing this bill, to see if it is the magical, ever so sought after, true 26F. It is! He hands over the entire hotdog/soda pop/BBQ chip vending operation to a passing FSU fan and makes haste back to Valhalla.

But, Loki has been fooled again! Instead of transfering through the ethereal spirit domain to his favorite warrior bar, he has materialized in a Houston shopping mall. Tiffany, or her latest replacement, has just finished a free concert and is walking to one of the many Gap stores to look for new song material.

Loki figures this might mean something important to him, so he follows her.

Someone else is following him...

11-27-2002, 04:23 AM
...Loki's attorney. Loki had been concerned in recent months about stalkers, ever since he found out he was to receive a whopping big inheritance. He had mixed feelings about it: The prospective decedent was a great-uncle who was closer to him than most others in the family; and the uncle's unencumbered fortune was over $800 million. Anyway, the lawyer approaches Loki and points out: This is what you've been complaining about; practice what you preach.
The lawyer is in fact the FSU fan. He has 26F in his wallet; the next day he buys a snack in the courthouse. The lunch vendor is blind and a sheriff's deputy assists her in sorting out bills her customers give her. The deputy replaces 26F with a new bill. Back at the sheriff's station, the deputy, Mark Bradley...

11-27-2002, 04:49 AM
...runs the banknote through a biological assay tester. An orange light flashes. It seems there was human DNA on the banknote. (There was also inhuman DNA on the banknote, but the machine wasn't set up for that.) The assay tester automatically forwards its results as a query to the Police Distributed Genetic Matching Database (much of which is being run as a volunteer peer-to-peer service by people who think that they're helping to cure cancer).

When the database returns a list of possible matches, red lights flash. One possible match is OJ Simpson. Deputy Bradley panics and contacts his superiors to arrange a press conference.

Unfortunately, he doesn't read the rest of the report, which goes on to mention that other potential matches include Jeffrey Dahmer, Osama bin Laden, Jean Chretien, Connie Chung, Kenneth Starr, Elvis Stojko, Mikhail Gorbachev, Leonid Kuchma, Anders Grop, Natalja Gerlach, Jack Chick, Karen Kain, Karol Wojtila, Kevin Bacon, and/or Madonna. The report goes on to add that "no possibility named is above a 0.4% probability".

Meanwhile, the banknote...

11-27-2002, 05:22 AM
..sits untouched in a locked box in the crime lab. Bradley's superior, Captain Wieczorek, instructs Bradley to remove the bill, given the other possibilities of the DNA's origin, and it's relegated to the petty-cash drawer at the station desk.
Now Deputy Bradley has a short visit from kin...his brother Joe and Joe's buxom wife Jane, mentioned earlier here. Yes, the same Jane Bradley who had 26F stuck between her boobs! Joe speaks briefly to the desk sergeant, who allows Deputy Bradley to remove 26F and three other $5 bills in exchange for a $20. Jane wants to do some laundry the next day during her visit; they came with their eldest sone Mike, a linebacker on his high school's varsity football team, and their daughters, 15-year-old Susan and 11-year-old Doris, both of whom are well on their way to becoming carbon-copies of their quite beautiful mother, if not already there.
Anyway, at the laundromat with her son and daughters, Jane duly pops 26F into the change machine, but it doesn't register. She calls the attendant, who makes necessary repairs. She gets her change and continues without incident; but she and her kids are still at the laundromat when the unscrupulous attendant...

11-27-2002, 07:00 AM
...trips the building circuit breaker, causing evrything inside to need resetting. While resetting the change machine, he slyly pockets several bills, including 26F.

Jane argues with him that the machines she was using were nearly finished, so he should advance them through the cycles so she and the girls can just finish up washing, dry what they will dry there, and take the 'dry flat' items home. They've been there long enough already, Jane feels, and can't wait for her new washer/dryer combo to be delivered at their home next week.

The attendant, Joseph E. Potbottom, opens the office door so he can find the service manuals for the washing machines. He reaches for the light switch. Flipping it, he is annoyed when the lights fail to come on. "Maybe I didn't turn all the circuits back on," Joe thinks to himself.

So, he goes outside to check the breaker box. Night has fallen and the alleyway is rather poorly lit. All the breakers appear to be in the on position, so he starts back inside. But he finds that he accidently let the heavy metal shut, and now he must walk all the way around to the front of the strip center, because he knows no one will hear him rapping on the back door.

Approaching Joe from behind, an unremarkable looking man wearing faded black Levis, a green tartan plaid flannel shirt, black down vest, beat up straw goat roper type hat, and fancy ivory spurs on his black Nicona boots. With his left hand, Loki reaches to Joe's shoulder to signal him to turn around, but slips on an almost invisible ice patch and falls on top of Joe in an ungainly heap.

The force of the impact caused the large screwdriver Joe was carrying to be thrust upward into his brain from below his jaw, causing instant death.

Loki, frazzled by the events of late which seem to show he is being manipulated by someone more powerful, rifles through the dead man's pockets, looking for the well traveled bank note, but doesn't find it.

Inside the washateria, Susan spies 26F on the dirty tile floor, where it had fallen from Joe's pocket. Bending over, unladylike, to procure the bill, she exposes quite a bit of her already ample braless bosom from her mostly unbuttoned poly/cotton blouse. Jane had been arguing with her about her choices in fashion and modesty but, being a teenager, Susan didn't care.

She smiles at the pleasantly shocked young man in front of her, pockets 26F, and leaves the laundrymat with her mother and sister.

Closing the doors of their SUV, none of them notice that Loki is walking their way. He reaches for the rear door latch just as Susan peels out and zooms away, her mother figuring she needed the driving practice.

"By all that is unholy and quircky!" Loki fumes to himself, "What is wrong with me?"

Disgusted and starting to get both mad and scared, Loki steals the first car that catches his eye, an early 80's...

11-27-2002, 07:19 AM
...Plymouth Sapporo. It is in bad shape, having spent a few winters as a 'rust rat' in Rochester, New York, before retiring to Florida. There is no ignition key; Loki starts it by shorting two wires, which seems to be the usual practice for this specific vehicle.

Loki peels out after the SUV. However, even with his divine powers, he is having trouble tracking it in the mass of SUVs that clog the roads. Traffic slows; Loki turns on the radio to hear that an accident ahead was the result of someone attempting to drive on the right-hand side of the road, as was done only in French-speaking countries. That someone had subsequently lost an argument with a semi-trailer freighter.

Loki loses sight of the SUV...

11-27-2002, 08:15 AM
which has been suddenly transported to Kosciusco, Mississippi. Jane, her son the high school quarterback (who secretly wants to become a 7/11 clerk/prostitute) and her two daughters (who had been voted at school most likely to become 7/11 clerks/prostitutes) then check into the local Super8 Motel for the night, using 26F as part of the payment for the room. The night desk clerk at the Super8 pockets 26F and after his shift is over goes into the 7/11 to buy a breakfast burrito and a YooHoo chocolate drink. He hands 26f to the clerk/prostitute in training who drops 26f into the till. As it turns out, the night clerk is the clerk/prostitute in training's last customer of the night. 26f languishes in the till until...

11-27-2002, 09:03 AM
...the morning.

Meanwhile, Loki is becoming more and more perplexed. He has somehow found his way to Alligator Alley, the highway that crosses Florida west-to-east, and the SUV bearing Joe and Jane and their family is nowhere in sight. He passes a sign: Miami 64 leagues, and idly wonders why the US doesn't use Base 12 and the British Metric System like almost every other country in the world.

Suddenly there is a crunch. A small plastic lawnchair has fallen off the truck in front of Loki's car, and he runs over it at speed. The view ahead through the windscreen is briefly obscured by flying plastic fragments. Loki abruptly lifts the car into the air to avoid additional obstacles--but then an unexplained gust of wind blows the car to the left, off the road. It hits a tree and falls to the ground.

Loki swears fluently and bangs the dash in frustration. The car's heater switches on, heating the passenger compartment alarmingly. Loki doesn't notice this, however, because he is distracted by a woman who appears behind the car. She is tall, blonde, and statuesque, and she bears three golden apples.

"Eris? Is that you?"

11-27-2002, 11:39 AM
"No, I'm Anna Nicole Smith. Haven't you seen my show?" Well, Loki hadn't seen her show, or else he would have run away screaming. Unaware of the danger he was in, Loki accepted a golden apple from Anna, and bit into it.

He immediately knew that he had made a mistake, because...

11-27-2002, 11:43 AM
It turns out it was Eris.

"We warned you, Loki, to leave this event theatre alone. Now, your Father and all your brothers are demanding that you leave. At once!"

::::Reality shimmers::::

Jove: "Do you really think we've seen the last of him?"
Odin: "I don't know how to answer that. Besides being a troublemaker, he is extremely resourceful."
Rah: "What is to be done with all the timelines he polluted and the violence and deaths he caused?"
Vishnu: "Leave that to me..."
Jove: "Fine. But do not harm Loki. Look! He is in your hands."

::::Reality Shimmers::::

As the 7-11 opens at 9:00a.m., Erika Johansen, is busy stocking up the YooHoo which seems to have become extremely popular of late.

An emaciated CoverGirl model comes in to buy her daily breakfast of cigarettes and chewing gum. Seeing Erica, she waves to her.

"Hi, Erica!"

"Hi, Adelle, how are you today?"

"Flying high, as usual, thanks."

All Adelle has as currency is a hundred dollar bill...

11-27-2002, 02:45 PM
...he had in fact been to the dentist's office that morning, and the dentist had installed a temporary filling and instructed him to eat only soft foods for the next 48 hours.
Meanwhile, Joe Bradley, who had lost his footing near the car (some klutz spilled liquid soap when unloading stuff to use the laundromat), was revived at the local hospital. He called Jane on his cell phone; she arrived at the hospital's emergency entrance, where a medic told her Joe was resting comfortably; he had been knocked unconscious and would be kept overnight for admission. Jane, her cheeks stained with tears, was relieved.
"I heard someone say 'Joe is dead,' she said in a quavering voice.
The medic answered, "That was Joe Potbottom, the laundromat owner. He had a screwdriver poked through his head like an ice pick."
Jane's son Mike and her daughters Susan--her 46" bosom still slightly exposed--and Doris, who was only 5'5" with a 38" bust--were there. (Susan, like her mother, was 5'10".) They too had heard that a "Joe" was dead and, while they and their mother reacted with shock at the death of the store owner, they were relieved to know that their Dad was all right.
Back to 26F: The bill lay unnoticed in the street for a while. A 9-year-old boy, George Blonda, picked it up. He took it to his parents--Bob and Mary Blonda, she of the Dolly Parton-like figure and coloring--and told them where he found it.
Mary inspected the bill closely. George was still holding a dirty paper towel he'd wiped it dry with.
"You're sure you found this in the street, George?" she asked.
"Yes, Mom," he answered. George was her third, and youngest, child; by this time Mary knew how to tell if her kids were telling the truth or not; here George passed muster.
"Well, you can have it then, but wait until we go to the store tomorrow. I don't want you to squander it." She handed the bill back to George and he wiped it again and folded it, and put it in a hip pocket.
The next day, at the store, Bob and Mary let little George buy a hot fudge sundae, and he paid with 26F. The counternam, not known for honesty...

11-27-2002, 03:03 PM
...nor hygine, slips the foul bill into his mouth whilst pretending to put it in the till. A few moments later, he removes 26F from his gap toothed mouth and sends a supernatural cell phone message to Vishnu.

Then, Odin sits there and waits behind the ice cream counter, ignoring all pleas for more ice cream.

Meanwhile... at the hospital, a young intern, Morris Day, chats up the veloptuous Susan, unaware of her jail bait age. (I mean, Hey! She looks 17!)...

11-27-2002, 03:24 PM
Susan, even more statuesque than Anna Nicole Smith, is an engaging sort and a sparkling conversationalist with an IQ of about 160. She speaks in a mellifluous contralto voice, much like her mother Jane. Big, deep blue eyes; golden-brown hair; creamy complexion; 32 healthy white teeth in her mouth. And a blouse with weak threads--which now pops open.
Morris, never one to hide his feelings, gets an instant, and quite large, erection at this. The counterman is about to hand him 26F in his change when the prudish 63-year-old Emma Gass, the store manager, sees this and...

11-27-2002, 03:54 PM
...screams, "Morris! Get your hands off of that poor girls chest! Lousy, no good son-in-law of mine. This is an ice cream stand/hospital for god's sake!"

Morris, oblivious to all else, stands there with the most perfect breasts he has ever seen in his hands. Susan smiles coyly.

Her father, though, is just about to shoot Morris, having been admitted with his Glock 17. How dare they touch his underage daughter!


"Huh? What!?"

"I have something to tell you about Susan," says Jane. "She's..."

11-27-2002, 07:16 PM
"...actually 22 years old. A few days ago, Susan was caught in a time warp as a result of all of those divergent timelines, and it deposited her in Siberia in the year 1996. It took her years of working as an travelling mime before she made enough money to get back to the United States. She arrived home just moments after the 16-year-old Susan fell into the time warp, so we decided to not tell anyone what had happened."

Joe scratched his head. "Oh, OK. I guess Susie's old enough to make her own decisions about those things, then."

"Thanks, dad," Susan said, and then she picked up Morris, slung him over her shoulder (life in Siberia had made her strong), and carried him off to an empty hospital room for some hot & heavy lovin'.

The counterman, who was Odin, realized that it was his quitting time, so he left the hospital/ice cream shop and went to a nearby bar. He had 26F in his pocket, having forgotten that he was supposed to give it to Morris as change. He sat next to Adelle, who was complaining to anyone who would listen about how she couldn't buy cigarettes because the 7-11 wouldn't accept any bill larger than a twenty. Odin was just ordering a beer when he noticed Loki sititng at a table across the bar. Loki was watching the Anna Nicole Show on the bar's TV set, and hadn't seen Odin enter. "Why on earth was Eris impersonating this insanely annoying woman?" Loki wondered out loud.

Odin smiled. This was perfect. He picked up his beer and walked over to Loki, who still hadn't noticed Odin...

11-27-2002, 07:50 PM
...So Odin pours his pitcher of beer over Loki's head and begins doing an odd little dance while chanting, "Ook. Ook. Look at me, Loki. Ahk. Ahk. I think I'm gonna spew."

Norse gods are just that way, you know?

Loki good naturely dries himself off by sending the beer molecules to a dorm room at USC. This went entirely unnoticed in said dorm room. But it did cause a flock of seagulls to burst into flames in the Seatle area in late 1979. A surprising untalented guitarist saw this and thought it make a good band name. He was wrong, but he still ended up making millions of dollars.

After ending his little dance, Odin lays 26F on the table in front of Loki.

Seeing Nikki just outside the bar, Loki supernaturally compells her to come over and join them.

"Nice, son," notices Odin, "Now how about one for me?"

Loki thinks for a moment, then transports over a woman for dad. That woman is...

11-28-2002, 12:51 AM
...Sally Mears' blond friend Olivia Short, not so statuesque as Sally but quite the tramp. Her role model was Heidi Abromowitz. :D
Olivia had determined, by dint of extensive medical testing, that she was unable to get pregnant and, apparently, immune to known sexually transmitted diseases. She had been prudent enough to earn a Seventh Dan in karate, and thus could fall madly in bed with men with impunity. Ironically, Eloise Sharp, the wealthy mother of 15 mentioned earlier in this thread, has been a mortal enemy of Olivia for many years.
Unaccountably, Olivia has 26F. She looks at the calendar in her purse, and senses a familiar sensation. "Well, it's that time again," she muses as she goes into yet another 7-11 and exchanges 26F for five ones; she goes to a restroom in a nearby building and buys what she needs from the vending machine.
The clerk at the 7-11, meanwhile, a totally guileless 19-year-old boy who has had an infatuation for Olivia for several years (and has never heard of Eloise Sharp), realizes that Ms. Short has actually handled this fiver. But he...

11-28-2002, 09:22 AM
...realises that he has to stay at his station until the end of his shift. He breaks into a sweat. She'd been here! Again! The next few customers barely register on his consciousness. He keeps looking at the door through which she'd left. With his usual low opinion of himself, he acknowledges that he has as much chance of going out with her as he has of swimming to Australia--and he lives in the United States--but he can't get her out of his mind.

Abruptly he takes a fiver out of his wallet and swaps it for the magical banknote that she had touched.

Meanwhile, Loki enters the store. He approaches the cashier, who sees only a nondescript man dressed in faded jeans and a battered university jacket with an unreadable emblem, and says,

11-28-2002, 01:00 PM
..."Gimme a hot dog." As an afterthought, he adds "and a scratch-off ticket. I'm feeling lucky tonight." The cashier, still in a daze about Olivia, gives him the hot hogs and the ticket. Loki pays for his purchases (using exact change) and scratches off his ticket. He doesn't win anything, so he tosses the ticket into the trash on his way out the door. Outside, Nikki is waiting in a car. Loki hops in and they leave.

About a minute later, a large GMC conversion van pulls up to the curb and seven beings pile into the 7-11. They are, of course, the seven Team members. They wander through the store, gathering beer, chips, Slurpees, and other sundry stuff, while Five walks up to the cashier and asks...

11-28-2002, 02:32 PM
..."Do you know the Way to San Jose?"

Five is disguised as yet another buxom woman. The cashier is starting to feel a little woozy, but his rock-solid sense of general unworthiness prevents him from saying more that the minimum to 'her'. "Uh, well, that's on the West Coast, isn't it?" He grins weakly.

Five, seeing that the cashier does not pick up on the coded greeting, says, "Oh, well, never mind then," and places several purchases on the counter. 'She' glances around in time to see Four and Six hastily withdraw tentacles, spines, and extra eyes inside their disguises. The cashier, distracted by the excellent simulated decolletage that Five presents, notices nothing else.

Six sidles up to the counter. Out of sight of the cashier, he touches a tentacle-tip to Five and taps out a message: "Distract him again. I need to check the cash drawer."

11-28-2002, 03:00 PM
...So, Five begins to talk in what seems to a form of free verse, but is actually a form of hypnosis. While listen to her, cashier boy aka Bryant Gumble, is mesmerized by visions forming his mind of the planet of nice looking women with very large and perfectly shaped breasts. Once he acyually in a trance, Five and Six go through the contents of the cash drawer.

"What is going on here?" asks Five, "It nothing but dry cleaning tickets and condom packets! Where's the money? Show me the money!"

"Hmmm...," ponders Seven, "This means something."

What should've been amazingly clear to them all, is that 26F and all the money really is there in the cash drawer. Their own minds are being manipulated by someone else.

Seven, having been closley following Loki for some time now, is somewhat immune to such things. But only somewhat. It is a powerful mind playing with them. Seven catches a glimps of money out of the corner of her eye, but when looks directly at it, it is a condom packet.

"Who is it?" she wonders, "Loki? Rah? Vishnu...?"

Just then, several police cars, ambulances, firetrucks, and civil defense vehicles screach to a stop outside the 7-11, and out of one of the firetrucks steps...

11-28-2002, 03:06 PM
...President George W Bush. Surrounded by menacing dark-suited individuals, he enters the store, and goes over to the Slurpee machine.

There is a pause.

"Does anyone know how to work this thing?"

11-28-2002, 03:20 PM
..."Aw, shit!" says Vishnu, and comes out hiding to commandeer one of the firetrucks and drives away.

At the 7-11, everything returns to what it was before and George W notices that he is now fondling a rather attractive, amazingly large breasted woman instead of working a Slurpee machine.

A Secret Service man walks up to the prez and says..."

11-28-2002, 06:01 PM
"...There are two flavors, Sir, cherry and cola."

"Um, ...cola" says the president.

"22 ounce okay, Sir?"


The secret service agent looks left and right, adjusts his dark glasses, then competently squeezes the left breast. A thick red liquid comes out. Without missing a beat, he switches to the right before the president notices. Cola comes out. He puts a lid on, and hands the president the cold drink and one of those funny straw/spoon things.

"Thanks," says the president.

The first agent pays the clerk, and he and the president walk out. The second agent quietly has the woman arrested for indecent exposure.

The clerk asks: "Mr. President? Would you mind signing this five dollar bill?"

"Um, is that the one we paid with?"

"No, Sir, you paid in nickels. But we'd really like your autograph."

"Well," said the president...

11-28-2002, 08:07 PM
..."I don't know, you look like an Al Qaida terrorist to me." "WHAT?!"

11-28-2002, 09:04 PM
Damn! Hit the Submit button way too soon. :o

..."I don't know, you look like an Al Qaida terrorist to me." "WHAT?!" Bryant Gumbel screams, visions of arrest and indefinite detention filling his mind. Fortunately, one of the Secret Service agents whispers to Bush that Gumble is a respected news reporter.

"Oh, OK," Bush mutters, "God knows I need all the good publicity I can get these days." So now 26F receives the signature "George W Bush", and Bryant carefully places it into his wallet. He puts four $1 bills and a Sackie into the till to even things out.

Bush and his entourage leaves; none of them thinking to question why a well-known news anchor is working as a clerk at a 7-11.

As soon as the presidential motorcade turns the corner, Bryant Gumble leaves the store, hails a taxi, and tells the driver to head for the airport. The seven Team members follow him in their van...

11-28-2002, 11:00 PM
...a 1987 Dodge Caravan with a dragging tailpipe, no left rear turn signal, ripped seats, and the headliner is drooping. The AM radio is stuck in the on position, full volume. Right now they have it on NPR, having tired of the local Spanish station's policy of only playing cumbias.

Six is driving and is kind of a ninny. He insists on stopping at every light. Since this is Miami (?), there are a lot of lights. Even some traffic lights.

Losing her temper, Seven finally shouts, "BY GRANTHAR'S HAMMER! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU, YOU STUPID NINNY!?!"

Six, surprised by this outburst, breaks down in tears. Great racking sobs. "I was just trying to drive defensively," he offers.

At that moment, the presidential motorcade passes them by again. George W is driving and appears to be lost. Or looking for someone! The limo stops and a hooker climbs in.

Seven recognizes that the prostitute/clerk the limo just picked up was actualy Vishnu in disguise. Pretty good disguise, too. Seven couldn't remember off hand if Vishnu was supposed to be male or female, but he/she sure looked as a Miami hooker!

They followed the motorcade to a Hotel where a very special person comes out to meet them. That person is...

11-29-2002, 04:27 AM
...author William Peter Blatty, who, according to recent news, is embroiled in an infringement suit over someone else' improper use of The Exorcist. He wants Dubya to assist him with his side of the matter.
The two men actually have admired each other for years, and the President asks for Blatty's authograph, and vice versa. Dubya, his mind on other things (including the Secret Service entourage's increasing suspicions about the woman they've invited into the car), absent-mindedly hands Blatty 26F. The novelist thanks Dubya for this; the limo pulls away and Blatty mulls over what to do about it.
A few days later, he goes to an ATM of his bank; he prepares an envelope including several royalty checks and some cash, including 26F. After toting the amounts up, he pops his card into the machine and effects the deposit. However, when the ATM deposit well is emptied of cash the next morning, the sharp-eyed bank clerk...

11-29-2002, 10:55 AM
...notices that banknote 26F is glowing slightly... and that the two banknotes on either side of it also seem to be glowing, as if something had infected them.

He looks again. Nothing. He shakes his head, writes it off as an illusion, and moves on with the collection.

Meanwhile, Dubya and Vishnu have arrived at a bunker underneath Washington. And the Team is...

11-29-2002, 11:53 AM
...wondering what the hell happened to their GMC conversion van. It was much nicer than the P.O.S. they're currently driving. Suddenly the First's cellphone rings. He answers it. Their secretery, back at the base, informs them that there's been another split in the timeline. Both Bryant Gumble and some bank clerk have 26F. "Jesus Christ," the First moans, "not again." As soon as he hangs up, the phone rings again. The First answers it. The caller is none other than Jesus Christ. "Stop taking my name in vain, will ya?" "Oh, uh, sorry." "OK, you're forgiven, but watch your language. By the way, Odin stole the GMC. He and Olivia are parked in a dark alley behind the K-mart around the corner." "Thanks, Big Guy. Bye."

The First then tells Seven, who has replaced Six as driver, to...

11-29-2002, 02:18 PM
...go back to the 7-11 where the callow 19-year-old is still on duty, ostensibly to buy stuff but actually to get 26F returned to the till, as part of a greater plan.
But as they approach the counter there, a huge van pulls up. Instead of alien creatures, nine very normal women get out. Well, normal as human beings go, but they are quite distinctive.
Buxom Sally Mears and her three friends, Betty Idelson, Vera Tedson and, of course, Olivia Short. The clerk reacts.
The other five women, all with wedding rings, are Eloise Sharp, the driver, in expensive clothes; the tall, buxom Jane Bradley; the near-Dolly Parton clone Mary Blonda; the uninhibited, scandalously-dressed redheaded Loora Oranjeboom; and the tiny, hourglass-shaped bespectacled Louise Brown. Their husbands wait in the van.
Seeing these nine women approaching him, including his secret crush Olivia, the clerk promptly...

11-29-2002, 11:49 PM
...creams his pants. Good thing he's wearing that longish tunic thing they make him wear at 7-11. Flustered, he goes to the back to make sure he's clean. As he rushes by, he accidently snags his watch on Loora Oranjeboom's blouse. Tugging franticly, he manages to tear himself free, also tearing off Loora's flimsy sheer white blouse. Her large (44DD) breasts are barely held in the Victoria's Secret Silk Nothing Sheer Bra she is sporting. In fact, her nipples are showing above the pink fabric because she still doesn't know how to properly fit a bra when trying them. "Oh well," she thinks to herself. The chill air of the open soda/beer cooler works it's magic on her cooler

11-29-2002, 11:55 PM
than normal nipples.

An unremarkable looking man wearing a fetching outfit of black ribless cords, off white cotton long sleeve shirt, and black/red patterned tie, along with black western boots festooned with ivory spurs. His dark blonde hair is gelled up a bit on his hatless head. Loki smiles at the wonderful sight before him, namely, Loorna. She looks positively godlike herself with her alabaster skin, green eyes, long straight red hair, and absolutely perfect face. Her ass is out of this world, too, especially in those fade Lee hipsters.

She notices Loki and says...

11-30-2002, 02:39 AM
"Hi, Loki...I heard you recovered just fine!" (Loki had, in fact, been seriously injured in a car crash almost a year before and spent eight months in traction and therapy and only just before this thread was begun was he able to walk unaided.) She continued, "Pete [Loora's husband] asked about you." (Pete Oranjeboom and Loki had been in the Service years before and saved each other's lives.)
There was no question but that Loora--especialy with her blouse yanked off--was quite the fetching sight. But so was the unmarried, unencumbered Vera Tedson, who could outdo Loora as a siren, with her sexy low voice and polished poise. All the attributes Loora had, so did Vera, except her hair was raven-black, not red. Vera sidled up to Loki in a way that would put Mae West and Lauren Bacall to shame, even as he and she were carrying on an animated conversation with Loora, and her husband Petrus, who just stepped in and draped his heavy flannel shirt over his wife's ample bosom, and rested his arms over her bosom as well.
Meanwhile, Mary Blonda wanted to buy some Junior Mints, a Uno Bar, and Martinelli's apple juice, and, as the characters One through Seven observed, was just about to receive 26F from the till. The worried beings hastened to avoid this by sleight of hand, so Mary and the clerk would be none the wiser (lest they expose the beings), so...

11-30-2002, 11:47 AM
Number Four (Shaq) proceeds to "accidentally" tip over the magazine rack. The clerk (who just arrived from his other job at the bank) swears fluently as he goes over to pick up the magazines. While everyone is distracted, Five slips a tentacle out from under his costume and snags 26F. Being a good sport, he puts another $5 bill into the till so the clerk won't come up short at the end of his shift.

The Team slips out of the 7-11 and fires up the '87 Dodge Caravan. Or rather, they try to. It won't start. Fortunately, One remembers his call from Jesus, so the Team runs down the street to the K-mart. Hopefully, Odin is still there with the GMC.

Meanwhile, Bryant Gumble (who has the other 26F) is still riding around in the taxi. His driver, a recent immigrant from Uzbekistan, is totally unfamiliar with this area, and is now hopelessly lost. Finally, Bryant orders the cabbie to stop and he gets out. Bryant looks around, and discovers that he is...

11-30-2002, 11:57 AM
...in Uzbekistan. In the year 1922. Bad place for an egoistic journalist with a chip on shoulder about the race issue in national television. Actually, Odin just wants him out of the way for a while. Bryant is perfectly safe. OK, let's just say he won't die.

Back to now and where ever we are.

Odin has traded the GMC conversion van for a 1964 Ferarri GT 250 California convertible. It is so choice. If you have the means, get one.

He tells Seven, "Get in, Darlin' " in an exaggerated Texas drawl.

She does, and off they go. 26F is hidden in her...

11-30-2002, 03:13 PM
...cell-phone holster. She has started to call the Auto Club about the van that won't start when Eloise and Mary approach. "Don't bother calling Triple A," she says. "We can handle it."
She and Mary get in the back of Eloise's big van, and come out a few minutes later in coveralls, tailored to fit their shapley figures just fine. They carry toolboxes and prowl around the engine compartment. Eloise tugs at some wires, manipulates a wrench, and scans some parts professionally.
"Go try to start it now, Mary," she says.
Mary does. It turns over now and sounds better than ever!
The team thanks Eloise and Mary profusely and hands each of them a $50 bill. Eloise adds, "You had some grounded wires. You'll want to have that van checked over throoughly within the week." Eloise uses mechanic's hand cleaner on her hands and arms, then changes back into her expensive dress; Mary cleans up too and puts her tight jeans and blouse back on. They return to their group.
Meanwhile, Louise, the petite Velma-like mother of three teenage boys, spots something on the ground. It's 26F, which has fallen out of Seven's cell-phone pouch.
She picks it up and looks at it closely. "Stan! she says to her husband. "I think this is the bill I peeled off the truck tire a few months ago!"
Stan looks too. "You're right," he says. "Who had it last?"
"Well, I saw a woman with a big 'seven' on a gold brooch she was wearing," says Louise. But Seven is nowhere in sight; Louise gives it to the clerk, saying someone with a Seven brooch apparently lost it. The callow kid behind the counter never noticed a brooch, with the coquettish Olivia being present and all. So he put it in a large baggie with the information Louise had given him about it.
As the nine women and five husbands prepare to leave, Seven recognizes that the fiver is missing, and that the fourteen people in the Sharps' big van don't have it. The team uses a tracking device to find it and...

11-30-2002, 05:16 PM
...find themselves involved in a low speed police/celibrity chase on the main highway of what ever the fuck city they are in. It gets hard to keep up with, even for Gods and ultra intelligent pandimensional beings like The Team.

Odin and Seven find themselves on the same highway, and Odin pulls up to the light blue 1997 Ford Explorer, which has faded so much that it looks like a white Bronco from a distance, like say, from a news helicopter following the action.

Odin tells Seven to ask the man driving just where they are. Seven motions for the retired football, no, foosball player, a lanky red headed man named U. K. Samson, to roll down the window of his Bronc..., er, Explorer.

The helicopter following the action, by all appearences for the local news station, was reported stolen earlier by said station. They didn't report it to the police, they reported it as a story, totally missing their one chance to recover it, for now it is piloted by...

11-30-2002, 06:04 PM
another five dollar bill, an evil twin with the same serial number backwards, which has spontaneously sprung into existence and become sentient as a strange side effect of all of the above. We'll call him F62.

Although this mutant bill is certainly the smartest piece of currency in all of history, it hasn't yet mastered helicopter operations. F62 has a horrifying agenda. It wants to destroy the Franklin Mint!

Anyway, F62 is losing some distance, because as I said, he isn't a very good pilot. Also, he is distracted by...

12-01-2002, 12:55 AM
..the poor visibility resulting from the need to handle the wheel, the accelerator, and other important controls; easy enough for a human, difficult indeed for an evil mutant $5 bill, let alone a genuine one.
Then a loud bang is heard. The left rear tire has blown. F62 properly veers over to the right shoulder, and the van stalls on the off-road area.
F62 has no knowledge of how to deal with a blowout or a stalled engine. Through his mutant powers, he notices a van coming down the freeway, about 200 yards distant. It's Eloise Sharp's huge van, with the other thirteen people still inside.
F62 is in a quandary. Should he try to flag Eloise down (heaven knows how!) and risk his imposture being made known, or should he say or do nothing, let Eloise drive by, and pace back and forth wondering what to do?
Meanwhile, a glitch was detected in the Team's tracking device, which now homes in on 26F, still in the 7-11's till.
Back to F62 and Eloise...

12-01-2002, 01:46 PM
F62 decides to let Eloise drive by. F62, after all, possesses powerful telekinetic powers. This is how he was driving the van, and he's also using them to fly the news helecopter. He brings the helecopter down and climbs in.

As the helecopter flies away, Odin and Seven come back to take a look at the van. They realize that this is the very same GMC van that Odin had stolen from the Team, and then traded in for the Ferarri. It has leather seats, a five-disk CD changer, and a Playstation.

Knowing that the Team would love to get it back, Seven sets about changing the blown tire (she also knows how to handle a stalled engine). Meanwhile, Odin takes a look in the back. Inside he finds an object that F62 forgot to take with him. It is an object that is vital to F62's plan to destroy the Franklin Mint. It is...

12-01-2002, 05:50 PM
...a gift set of silver-plated plutonium spoons! The spoons are carefully arranged (widely spaced, to be exact) in a beatiful wood-tone gift box. Odin gives a cry of recognition. "Ye! It is the...

12-01-2002, 06:35 PM
...Golden Spoons of Farn!" Which is an odd name for a set of silver-plated platinum spoons. Oh, well...

12-02-2002, 02:26 AM
There's a general hubbub in Eloise's van: She is quite a sharp-eyed person (so is her husband Jack, who sits to her left) that the stalled van, with a blown tire, has no driver or other people present, at least so far as they can tell.
Joe Bradley and Stan Brown, two big, husky ex-Marines, suggest to Eloise that they might want to double back and investigate this. They do, and park about 100 yards back of the van. Joe and Stan approach cautiously as Jack and Eloise, both first-class marksmen with automatic pistols, watch from the driver's seat (Eloise likes to sit on Jack's lap :)), and the others in the van keep an eye out too.
The Team, of course, doesn't want Stan and Joe to blow their cover; attacking them would do that quite easy. So, they discuss how to throw the ex-Marines off the trail and not attract suspicion.
Meanwhile, 26F has been handed in change to a tall clunky girl, one who has actually dated the callow clerk at the 7-11. She is a UFO buff and has a strong interest in the supernatural.
Meanwhile, back on the freeway, Stan, Joe, Jack, and Eloise, all quite smart cookies, see...

12-02-2002, 05:31 AM
.....the rip in spacial-temporal fabric that allows the chopper to suddenly be hovering over a sign that says, " US Route 1, Franklin Mint". They see the chopper as it leaps through the rend in time and disappears with a slightly foully-odored puff of smoke roughly the size of Encino.

F62 swings by 4th and South Streets in Philly for a large Jim's Steaks cheesesteak with extra fried onions and a Frank's Wishniak Black Cherry soda. It munches contentedly whilst hovering over the mint at 2,500 feet.

On the floor of the helicopter, between what would have passed for F62's feet except for the logistical nightmare that results from a lack of feet, was the Other Box. The Golden Spoons of Farn were merely a ruse. Two of the spoons had been stolen from a home in Lafayette, Louisianna where they were in fact, Rue Ruse Spoons. :D

The box on the floor was none other than the Sarcophagii of Spatulae. Within it were the Nine Spatulae of Blevin. Only with the Nine Spatulae of Blevin could F62 overcome the awesome security of the Franklin Mint, and once and for all proclaim what was rightfully his- the................................

12-02-2002, 05:34 AM
[Straight Doper Hat On] [i] In the interests of fighting ignorance, the impartial hosts feel the need to point out that no paper United States Currency is printed at the Franklin Mint. Only U.S. coinage is created there. Paper currency for OTHER nations is printed at the Franklin Mint.

We now return you to your regularly scheduled fantasy, already in progress over many of the local Straight Dope Stations. :p [/ Straight Doper Hat Off]

12-02-2002, 11:38 AM
...authentic, original Civil War Chess Set. The very first set produced at the Franklin Mint, the one with Ken Burn's autograph engraved onto Lincoln's backside. F62 was a major Civil War buff. He could name all of the generals in both the Union and Confederate armies (at least, he could if he had a mouth), and he had to have this chess set. F62 finished his lunch (God only knows how he consumed it), and prepared to execute his plan.

Meanwhile, back on the freeway, Seven has finished fixing the GMC van. She thanks Odin for the ride in the Ferarri, giving him a quick kiss on the cheek, and starts the engine.

The Team climbs into the GMC van, abandoning the crappy old Dodge. Joe and Stan draw their guns and demand some answers. The Team is ready for this, however. Number Three holds up a remote control and pushes a button, and the Dodge Caravan explodes in a huge ball of fire. Joe and Stan have flashbacks to 'Nam, and dive into the ditch on the side of the road. Everyone in Eloise's van ducks for cover. Noone is hurt, but by the time Eloise & crew can gather their wits, the Team and Odin have fled the scene in their respective vehicles.

Meanwhile, the UFO buff girl who has 26F has gone shopping...

12-02-2002, 11:56 AM
...for a Cosmic Crystal Health Kit...

12-02-2002, 02:10 PM
quickly proceeded to put the bill into the old pickle jar he was using to save up money to buy the new Madonna Box Set from the JukeBox Record Shop. He went to bed that night dreaming of dancing to his new CDs. But meanwhile...

12-02-2002, 03:02 PM
...Joe and Stan recovered from the shock, and went back to the van to cool their heels. Back inside, their wives, Jane and Louise, decided hug therapy was in order. In fact the two married couples got sexually aroused; no surprise to Eloise and Jack, they of the ravenous sexual appetites and fifteen kids. Sally, Olivia, Betty, and Vera sighed and sat in the front seats; the five married couples, including Pete and Loora, and Bob and Mary, got into the back and proceeded to enjoy marital relations, making the van rock wildly, far more so than the explosion of the other van could make it do. The four unmarried women in front sighed, figeted, and rolled their eyes, and waited for the five couples to finish screwing. After the sexual session, Eloise and Jack redonned their clothes and returned to the front seats. The four unmarried women sat in the middle section.
Just before they pulled away, Olivia asked Eloise, "Did the others get dressed?"
"I don't know," said Eloise. In fact she and Olivia had been barely civil to each other for years. Eloise pulled the van back onto a surface street and parked at a curb near a singles bar; the four unmarried women got out and swiveled and jiggled--not a stitch of underwear between them--toward the bar. Eloise had a good laugh at this and proceeded to drive back to the mansion.
The clunky girl spent 26F at a store which specializes in supernatural things and publications speculating on UFOs, Roswell, and aliens, while also carrying all the Straight Dope books. The clerk at the register, burned more than once by couterfeit money...

12-02-2002, 09:35 PM
...placed 26F under the UV counterfeit-detector lamp. Yes, the expected marks were there, glowing under the UV light. He took the banknote 26F and looked more closely at it. It was one of the sorriest banknotes he'd seen for a while. It was ragged, crumpled, and dirty. There was a stain of some unkown origin on one corner. A rip was starting at the top. All and all, it looked as though someone had driven an eighteen-wheeler over it. Repeatedly.

But it was money, so the clerk put it in the till.

Meanwhile, a grey-haired powerfully-built man strode into the noisy singles bar after the four women. He was wearing a stylish outfit topped by a cape that somehow reminded onlookers of a Greek robe, even though it didn't actually look like one. He sat at the bar, making sure that the women could see him, and wrote an order on a napkin, using a yellow pen marked with a lighting-bolt symbol. He passed the order to the barkeeper, who prepared the closest thing to mead that he had.

Odin sat down next to him. "Zeus? What are you doing here?"

Zeus glanced in the general direction of the four women, and grinned. "What did you expect?"

12-03-2002, 06:55 AM
Sally Mears, always the first of the four to speak, sidled up to the Hellene, jiggling happily. "We would expect the same of you that we would of any man," she answered. Vera, Olivia, and Betty also approached. They didn't say anything, then at least. Now, neither did Sally. They decided to let their appearance do the talking. Here were four women, dressed in ordinary clothes except for the lack of underwear and the visible nipples and crotches. And they all appraised him, despite his bizarre clothing, and decided he was worth their attention. Sally started speaking to him in her most seductive voice, determined that she and her three--er--colleagues, would turn him on, and he them.
In the store, a few of the Teeming Millions--you might have known I'd get around to this eventually--came in, to buy another copy of Triumph of the Straight Dope as well as a few ordinary volumes on astronomy. The Dopers [name yourselves in your response--d.m.], when getting change, took the bill and scrutinized it; then one shrugged and put it in his wallet. He spent it later at White Castle, on...

12-03-2002, 08:20 AM
an entire suitcase of White Kastle gut bombers which he was taking to lno's house for dinner. The unnamed doper and lno ate the entire suitcase of burgers, whereupon, lno's girlfriend came home took one look at lno lying in pain on the floor, and said she was going to bed, thus ending his chance for an evening snuggle once again (wha'? that's already been done?:D)

Meanwhile, the clerk/gigolo at White Kastle took 26 f and...

12-03-2002, 08:33 AM
...endeavored to try his own luck at the singles bar. However, Sally and her friends had already left, with the Zeus wannabee, determined to make this a night to remember. The clerk wasn't disappointed, though, because of a shapely blond intellectual named Phoebe Atwood, the sexist woman in the area ever to wear horn-rimmed glasses and use five-dollar words. She frequented this singles bar because she liked some of the wine they served, and she could usually find a young intellectual man--this was a college town--to have a long discussion with, along with a zowie session in bed! The clerk sat on the stool next to Phoebe, and neither made any mistake about intentions. Phoebe thought, "Well, this guy seems likely for me to seduce, even as he is quite obviously seducing me." Indeed he got a hard erection and she felt her nipples hardening, and so on.
Meanwhile the paramedics arrived to do paramedic stuff for Ino; they were members of the Teeming Millions themselves but were all business as they proceeded to make like John Gage and Roy DeSoto. They took Ino to the hospital...as if his girlfriend wasn't enough of a knockout, he got a look at the surgeon and the head nurse who came in to treat him...

12-03-2002, 10:31 PM
...and almost fainted. Helen of Troy had nothing on her! As soon as she started talking, however, he recognised her as...

12-04-2002, 11:40 AM
...Pamela Anderson. "Hot damn! :)" Ino said, but then he heard a grunt and noticed Pam's husband, Kid Rock, standing in the corner. Rather than risk getting capped by the Kid, Ino forced himself to behave. He closed his eyes and tried to pretend that his nurse was Rosanne Arnold :D

Back at the bar, the White Castle clerk had spent 26F on a drink for Phobe. It was soon given as change to a strange little man. He was less than five feet tall, skinny, and had a long beard. He was also wearing mirrored sunglasses, even in the dim light of the bar.

After finishing his drink, this man walked out of the bar and...

12-04-2002, 12:29 PM
...climbed into a Chevette pickup, a custom job. He started it and drove out of town, heading for Denver.

On the way, he stopped for gas at "Barry's Beans & Burgers", a truck stop outside Indianapolis. There banknote 26F landed in the till for almost ten seconds. It was a busy evening, and 26F was given out in change to an elderly "society" lady who was definitely not in her usual element in the truck stop.

She tool 26F gingerly between her fingers and looked at the dirty, crumpled, staned banknote with an expression of disgust. She looked at her daughter and husband standing next to her, and then back at 26F. "So this is money? It's so... dirty."

The cashier nodded. "Makes the world go round..."

The daughter piped up, "Actually, it's inertia and angular momentum that makes the world go round. We learned in physics that..."

The matron interrupted. "Enough, child. Let's go and... sit down." She delicately folded 26F and placed it in her handbag. They went to an unoccupied booth and sat down.

12-05-2002, 01:44 AM
The society lady was Elizabeth Martin, Eloise's mother. They had been exchanging this kind of banter for years, and nothing changed when Eloise married Jack Sharp and became a mother fifteen times over. Jack was doing business executive stuff and the household staff was looking after the Sharps' youngest kids, now in their early teens, while Eloise was visiting her Mom and some relatives who had fortunes in the bank--but certainly didn't act like most rich folk. Elizabeth was certainly a smart cookie and inspected every piece of paper money she handled, even foreign currency. "I'll just run this through the wash at home and spend it somewhere else."
Ino was relieved to hear from "Kid Rock" that he had no objection to his wife's attention. "She's doing her job," Kid commented. "Just stay on your side of the thin line."
"Oh," said Ino.
The "small man" turned out to be MAD artist Al Jaffee, who merely had a walk-on in this thread and would not return.
Meanwhile, Eloise's Mom had by now spent 26F by merely giving it to the driver of a local shuttle service. Approaching his van were some teenage girls, daughters of the women in Eloise's van--Nancy and Linda Sharp; April Blonda; and Susan Bradley. All were of high-school age but looked more shapely than many grown women, including some of their teachers. As they approached the shuttle van (shortly after Elizabeth Martin had alighted), Nancy and Linda avoided their grandmother's sharp eye. The driver, however, had been around the block quite a few times; he was much older and quite jaded--and even more prudent than Jack and Eloise, or Elizabeth. As Linda, the eldest of the group at 17, approached in quest of transportation, the driver, Jake Mulligan, with a near-photographic memory of his company's regulations...

12-05-2002, 06:02 PM
...denied the girls a ride because they were wearing swimsuits. The rules stated that all passengers had to wear shirts and shoes. The girls complained, but Jake was stubborn, and refused to make an exception. Then Linda had an idea...