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View Full Version : Shy guys! Tell me how you met your SO's


Soapbox Monkey
10-02-2003, 09:52 PM
Alright, I'm gonna make this brief. I'm cripplingly shy when it comes to the thought of approaching a girl.

Now, I'm pretty sure that not ever shy guy in the world is single and doomed to be alone for life. I'm assuming that there are some outgoing girls out there who make a point to approach the guy, instead of the other way around.

So this is a call to all the shy guys out there, and also to all the women who are dating shy men. Let me hear your stories to give me some hope.

Stainz
10-02-2003, 10:50 PM
Hi ... from the point of view of a girl who's dating a shy guy ...

I'm personally pretty shy myself and it's very unusual for me to make the first move ... never mind the second, third, fourth ... well, you get the idea.

My guy and I work for the same Corporation (but in totally different departments) ... I noticed him almost right away, but I assumed he was either 'involved', a snob, or just plain ol' not interested. I was in a relationship at the time anyway, but I always thought he'd be nice to know, even as a friend.

After about three years, I found myself single, and a mutual friend of ours suggested I ask him out ... and told me he was really shy but also really nice. I hummed & hawed about it, sent him an email (which he didn't answer), and finally at the Xmas party I'd had a bit too much to drink and I teased him about not answering. We made a tentative date to go out in the new year.

Things have gone well ever since, although it did take some persistence on my part.

What made me ask him out? The fact that his reputation as a smart, funny, sweet guy outweighed his shyness. And what made me keep asking him out? I started to see for myself what an amazing person he was, and I felt it was worth putting my own heart on the line in order to get to know him.

I guess if you're looking for any kind of advice ... it would be - put the word out there that you're single & looking to meet more girls - also, if you're too shy to talk, at least smile and do little things like hold a door open, pull out a chair, corny but VERY under-rated stuff lilke that - and also, if you're out with your more outgoing guy friends, you may worry about being 'outshined', but have faith in the fact that a lot of women are looking for the quiet treasure hidden amongst the flashy fool's gold.

(Look - I never claimed to be a poet!) ...

Hang in there, don't get down on yourself, don't give up ... she's out there!

iampunha
10-02-2003, 10:59 PM
While I am usually fairly shy in person (though dopers usually don't see that because I'm talkative bordering on obnoxious at fests), I am not so much online.

And that's where I met my fiancee.

YMMV:)

Horseflesh
10-02-2003, 11:05 PM
She chased me down, threw me on the bed, and said "You're mine!"

AbbySthrnAccent
10-02-2003, 11:41 PM
I married a painfully shy guy. We met at work.

owlofcreamcheese
10-03-2003, 12:13 AM
I threw an apple, it hit her in the head... she hit me in the head with a lolipop.... it was my 15th birthday... I'm 22 now....

Crunchy Frog
10-03-2003, 12:15 AM
Ok, peeps, I'm ready for the ribbing I'm sure to get...

A dating service. I can be shy (no really) and I've also been working odd hours (mostly 4-midnight type shift) so I was sleeping when people are at work, working when people get home and getting home when people are going to bed, so I didn't get much of a chance to meet anyone. I figured what the hell, my previous two fiancees didn't work out meeting them the old fashioned way, and I gave a dating service a chance.

Long story short, I'm very happy and I have a feeling this relationship will work out where the last two failed.

Svt4Him
10-03-2003, 12:22 AM
Learn how to get over your shyness. Toastmasters is a good organization. This is my theory. Nice guys don't finish last, it's just no one remembers when they finish because they're so ordinary. Now I'm not saying be mean, or a jerk, just learn some skills that set you apart and get you noticed. What happened in Stainz's case is something all shy guys hope for, but it's rare. I'm by nature very introverted, but I'm fairly confident as well, which has gotten me in trouble since my head got really puffed up after a while, but it did get me noticed. Also, I knew how to be polite, how to be friendly, and how to talk to people. Granted I had to force myself to, but I realized people want to talk as well, and they feel the same apprehension. This was made clear to me when I was on a skytrain in Vancouver once (I'm a country guy) and I wondered if I could force myself to talk. I then when to the lady sitting down and asked her if she wanted to see a picture of my wife and kids. She did. By the time I got off, everyone saw the picture and were talking together. Wasn't natural for me, but it was neat to see.

shy guy
10-03-2003, 01:20 AM
Damn, and for a second I thought someone pittted me in the wrong forum or something.

Odinoneeye
10-03-2003, 01:22 AM
Get this....

We met in an AOL chatroom.

We were talking over the IM system and she suddenly stopped talking to me. Two hours later, I was just about to sign off when she suddenly started talking to me again. She had lost my window. A couple seconds later and we would have lost each other.

Dragon Phoenix
10-03-2003, 01:34 AM
I walked into her gallery looking for art. I found the art. More importantly, I found the girl of my dreams.

Shade
10-03-2003, 04:44 AM
First: lived in same house at uni.
Second: Local online dating service

jjimm
10-03-2003, 04:51 AM
Every (successful) relationship I've ever had: made friends with the girl. Found myself attracted. Months of friendship and perplexed wondering followed. Eventually either "it just happened", or she jumped on me.

Beech
10-03-2003, 05:31 AM
Met walking the dogs, she hers, me mine. I was very shy (still am), but after seeing this vision walking in the same field as me, at half-past stupid time each morning, got to make sure that our paths crossed. After a few weeks of "good mornings" I started to make sure we reached a particular ditch at the same time, where upon I had to lend her my hand to cross it, did'nt I! Went from this to walking together, going out together, ......the rest is very happy history.:)

Floater
10-03-2003, 05:57 AM
First GF knocked on my door in the middle of the night saying "I can't stand it anymore" and threw herself around my neck.

Present GF just took my hand and said "Let's go to bed".

Soapbox Monkey
10-03-2003, 07:05 AM
Originally posted by Floater
First GF knocked on my door in the middle of the night saying "I can't stand it anymore" and threw herself around my neck.

Present GF just took my hand and said "Let's go to bed".

Well, I'm assuming that these weren't random women coming to your door, so how did you meet them?

Kyann22
10-03-2003, 07:16 AM
My fiance is an extremely shy guy. We met online and established a great relationship before we ever met in person. When we did meet, it was great because he wasn't shy around me then!

Shodan
10-03-2003, 07:18 AM
In church. We had something in common to talk about, therefore, and there was a social hour after services.

Pressure is what makes me clam up in social occasions. There was none, and things flowed from there.

Together twenty-four years, married twenty-one.

Regards,
Shodan

Floater
10-03-2003, 07:26 AM
Originally posted by Soapbox Monkey
Well, I'm assuming that these weren't random women coming to your door, so how did you meet them?
The first was a class mate living next door that I used to do my homework together with. I must admit that I had a severe crush on her but being a shy guy and all that. ;)

Present is a friend of a friend that introduced us to each other and after that first encounter kept telling her what a swell, kind person I am. I have tried in wain to tell her that I am secretly a serial killer and paedophile but she doesn't believe me.

Hokkaido Brit
10-03-2003, 07:40 AM
My Hokkaido Guy is very, very shy.

I met him at church along with hundreds of new people when I arrived in Japan. Was told his name but forgot it promptly as I was suffering from "weird name overload" at the time. I referred to him in my head as "The Dark Man", and distinctly remember thinking on being introducted to him "I wouldn't like to meet him on a dark night." (He is small, and powerful and square with a monobrow!)

After seeing him once a week for nearly a year, and having very short conversations with him, I gradually began to notice that whenever there was something going on, he was involved, usually on the edges but in some very useful capacity, like driving, taking photographs, or carrying stuff. He never complained (never talked, actually!) but when he did talk, he laughed and was pleasant. Kids and dogs went to him and he was nice with them. He was the first one there and the last one to leave, helping to set up and dismantle whatever we'd been doing. He was very honest.

He was passed over by the Japanese girls because he is short, has a horrible job with low pay and long hours, and he is shy (and not the best looking person in the world, but neither am I.)

They missed an intelligent, sensitive, honourable, sexy FRIEND. And I am eternally grateful that they did.

How did we get together? Having realised just how nice he was, I did a bit of gentle chasing by inviting him to do things with me and just a couple of friends at a time. Had friends in the know invite him to other small group things that I was also invited to. Eventually (it took 5 months!) he invited me on the last bike ride of the year with his mates. None of the "mates" turned up so it was just me and him and a Kawasaki 750 tourer. I spent the whole of that day trying to resist kissing the back of his neck where it stuck out of the helmet. I thought if I did he would certainly crash!

From there we went out together as a pair a few times, and one day we kissed, and he said, "Do you want to get married?" It was not a proposal, more checking whether I was out for a bit of fun before leaving Japan, or if I was serious. I was serious, and here we are ten years and two kids later. And there is not a day goes by when I am not grateful that I have him, despite never seeing him due to his crazy work, and fairly major communication hassles at times due to our differing characters.

So, this long-winded message is to say that if you are an honest, pleasant, untwisted guy, believe me there are women out there who will notice you and snap you up!

Good luck.

MarkofT
10-03-2003, 08:56 AM
Hung out on an IRC chatserver dedicated to a specific interest.

Doomtrain
10-03-2003, 09:22 AM
My girlfriend and I met on Usenet. In a fantasy writer's fan newsgroup. And we're STILL dorks.

glee
10-03-2003, 09:30 AM
Firstly I am glad for people who have found their mate.

Secondly I laughed at this exchange:

Floater " First GF knocked on my door in the middle of the night saying "I can't stand it anymore" and threw herself around my neck.
Present GF just took my hand and said "Let's go to bed". "

Soapbox Monkey "Well, I'm assuming that these weren't random women coming to your door, so how did you meet them?"

(If only there was a place like that!)

Thirdly I am still single. (If I knew 30 years ago what I know now, I would have had a lot more relationships.) So good luck to shy guys!

Plankspanker
10-03-2003, 10:04 AM
well, funny time for a thread like this...

i was/am not shy in talking to girls. telling em my feelings, now that's a different thingy altogether.
anyway, last friday i was at a local gig, and as i drive, a gave a couple friends a lift. and then there's this girl that i met a few times before too. she's really sexy and just so fantastically like me, but i just couldnt tell her i liked her. me and this girl are friends, so i offered her a lift home. she lives even more in the middle of nowhere than i do!
so i drop everyone else off, and try and take her home. but we 'couldnt find' her house. so ended up at mine.

still couldnt tell her.

we sat and watched the animatrix and 28 days later, talking and flirting thru all of it.

still couldnt tell her.

she pulls me down and kisses me.

now i can tell her!

we've been going out a week now, and we're just so perfect for each other it unreal. i was single for 5 years beforehand, and she's really made it all worth it. i must've burned up a massive amount of stored karma for this one! :D

Left Hand of Dorkness
10-03-2003, 10:13 AM
Glad Internet dating works for some folks. It worked for me, too, in an ass-backward way.

See, I'd just been sort-of dumped by this girl I met online. Only sort of because we hadn't really been involved -- after one night of making out, she decided that she wasn't really over her last boyfriend after all, so sorry, no need to call again.

Thoroughly disgusted, I decided to quit looking for romance. I decided a weekend hanging out with my brother, drinking and playing computer games, was exactly what I needed to take my mind off my lack of a love-life.

My brother had a dinner party that weekend. Since I wasn't looking for romance, I had no problem flirting a little with this cute girl at the party: nothing would come of it, I figured, so it's not like I was going to screw anything up.

Except I was wrong: something did come of it. Four and a half years later, my wife and I are getting ready to buy a house together.

Shyness for me came from pressure, too: I was so worried I was going to drive off a potential girlfriend that I seized up and became really awkward and awful to be around. It was only when I stopped worrying that I was able to be pleasant and fun.

Daniel

Crusoe
10-03-2003, 10:19 AM
She employed me. I was backpacking round Australia, took some temp work, she was the HR manager at the company.

Ludovic
10-03-2003, 12:55 PM
There's a club I went to and found someone who really loved me.

ouisey
10-03-2003, 01:05 PM
My shy guy had no problem telling me how attractive he found me, but past that, couldn't seem to get up the nerve to make the first move.

After a month of him pussy-footing around me, I went over to his place, took all my clothes off and jumped in his bed. Apparently that was the sign he needed from me to know that I wasn't gonna reject him, so we got our groove on and are very much in luuuurve five years later on.

mtrahey
10-03-2003, 01:13 PM
She was dating a friend. One night she told me she liked me better. I avoided her for 6 months. She kept dating the friend. We were out as a group and he was being a jerk to her. I figured he didnít deserve her if he was going to treat her like that.

badmana
10-03-2003, 01:22 PM
I'm very shy but very friendly to women I sort of know. I've known my SO since grade 10 (and didn't really notice her at all).

One night (3 years ago) we ended up finishing our night early, she didn't want to go home and so we ended up in the back of my dad's minivan talking (nothing bad). Eventually we ended up talking in the back of the mini-van for months, ended up tickling and joking around then became quite physical.

Eventually ended up my GF and the love of my life.

msmith537
10-03-2003, 02:25 PM
Well, by freshmen year in college I figured out that dating girls by meeting them, getting to know them real well, going out a couple of times, becoming good friends and then agonizing over when and how I should make the first move so as to avoid ruining the friendship was a really long, stupid and pointless way to never get laid.

Turns out a simpler way is to walk into a room, do something that draws attention to you and lets everyone know how cool you are and then watch to see which girls seem responsive and start making out with them.

iampunha
10-03-2003, 03:02 PM
Originally posted by ouisey
After a month of him pussy-footing around me, I went over to his place, took all my clothes off and jumped in his bed. Apparently that was the sign he needed from me to know that I wasn't gonna reject him, so we got our groove on and are very much in luuuurve five years later on.

:o Hot in here or is it just me?

SirRay
10-03-2003, 03:04 PM
Originally posted by Ludovic
There's a club I went to and found someone who really loved me.

So, how soon was now again?

Ryle Dup
10-03-2003, 04:29 PM
Agoraphobia, social anxiety and depression lead me to be extremely shy, met my current girlfriend here on straightdope.

I enjoyed her posts, looked at her profile and noticed we're the same age, it took me hours to write up a very breif email, and it was extremely tense sending it.

Couples months later now, we spend all our time talking together, and she's amazing.

Crusoe
10-03-2003, 04:40 PM
Originally posted by SirRay
So, how soon was now again? That's odd. I went to that club. I stood on my own, I left on my own, I went home and I cried and I wanted to die.

ScilaX
10-03-2003, 05:36 PM
Heh... kinda strange story for me!!! And its LOOONG!!!

Went to one of my mates wild parties, which unfortunately won't be happening again due to certain events involving me - details later! I wasn't really looking for a girl at the time, just wanted to get leathered with a few mates.

I'd been chinwaggin' with a few guys from college i knew, didn't really know anybody that well so thought it'd be best to throw back a few bevvies to get maself loosened up a bit. After a while i noticed a pair of high school girls (this is England, i was in first year of college, they're a year younger!) and got talkin to them cos they were both pretty hot, and they looked a bit lost too! I'm crap at talkin' to girls i really like, and this was no exception, but thankfully the alcohol was doing its job and making most of the conversation for me.

After a few hours i'd downed a few too many, and my stomach was sayin "um..... i'll just empty myself, i dont feel too good!". Surely enough it emptied onto my good friends kitchen floor, and from then the details get kinda blurry! (i had to be told what happened by several spectators). (its also the reason why there are gonna be no more wild parties at my mates house!!!)

Anyhoo!!! One of the aforementioned high school girls dragged me to the toilet and managed to keep me alive for the rest of the night, until i eventually fell asleep on her on a couch! And that was the last i saw of her till the mornin when i woke up on the same couch. She was gone.

Lucky for me, i'd somehow in the previous nights antics managed to get her phone number! I sent her a text message telling her i was ok and does she wanna go out some time.

We went to the cinema with a few other friends, and quite frankly it was a disaster. I couldn't talk to her. Shyness. Shit. Wheres alcohol when you need it?! I thought i'd blown it.

The next week, i thought i may as well give it another go, and i asked her if she wanted to go bowling, just the two of us. Was WELL CHUFFED when she said yeah!!! However, it was another disaster. I managed to talk to her kinda ok, and even got her a rose from the old woman who was walkin round with the charity bucket thing. That went down well! By the end of the night, i really wanted to make a move, but shyness factor number 2 kicked in and i couldn't do it, and i thought i'd REALLY blown it.

Then i didn't see her for about 2 weeks, but we still kept in contact with the occasional text message.

"Meh" is the only word to describe how i felt. If thats a word?

After the two weeks of non-events, i got a text message (notice how we never actually phoned each other? Texts are the shy guys choice of communication!!!) asking if i wanted to go to one of her mates parties... get in!!!

I met her beforehand with a few of her mates, and one of mine whod been asked along too. We all walked up to the party together, and i didnt say a word, and i thought it was all going wrong again. We hardly spoke for ages, but somehow all her friends knew my name, which was a good sign!!! I managed to get the bottle to make the first move (with my good friend alcohol again) and it all started from there!

We've now been together nearly 6 months (its 6 months on 12th October!) and we haven't been happier!

I know it's kinda corny coming from a teenager, but I really think she's the one... you'll be seeing either an angst ridden thread or an i'm gonna propose thread in the future depending on whether i'm right or not!!!

fizgig
10-03-2003, 10:55 PM
Originally posted by Crusoe
That's odd. I went to that club. I stood on my own, I left on my own, I went home and I cried and I wanted to die.

Sorry I wasn't there to hit on you Crusoe. I would have gone out that night, but I didn't have a stitch to wear.

Oh, and I wouldn't call my BF shy, but in his own words, he's 'conservative.' However, after a 12-hour first date (met online) he thought it might be OK to ask if he could kiss me. It was. :D

Soapbox Monkey
10-04-2003, 03:14 PM
Well, from this thread and one in the MHO forum, I'm getting the message that if I'm just myself, things will take their course natrually. But then some of those same people say that they only way to make things happen is for me to get out there and start trying to talk to girls?

But which is it? Be my usual quiet self, or put myself on the line? Not only am I shy, but I have a severe lack of confidence (which explains my shyness), and I think that I'm so boring that no girl would choose me over a guy who's much more fun to be around.:(

I want to believe that there are girls out there who would be outgoing enough to approach me, but that just seems like something that would be too good to be true.:(

Do online dating services charge money?

Troy McClure SF
10-04-2003, 07:02 PM
First girlfriend, Priya, I met at a party... everyone was just hanging around, we were both standing by the counter by the bar. We started talking, and it turned out I knew her cousin (the cousin was in my friends' theater company 400 miles away). She gave me her number, we went out once or twice. Her and my friend Marty basically had to club me over the head to get me to spend the night with her, since I was so clueless. Broke up two weeks later, but it was a learning experience.

Second girlfriend, Laura, I met a few times with my friends from Santa Cruz. I was at a party down there with her, the night was winding down, so I suggested we share a bed, instead of crashing on couches. See, Laura came up to San Francisco for Halloween with my friends, and I shared a bed with her and another of our friends, so I was thinking purely of couch-vs-bed. So we went to bed, I'm expecting nothing but a good night's sleep, when she basically lay on top of me and we started making out. Right about then, a little light bulb went on above my head... "Hrm, maybe she likes me." We lasted about a year and a half.

I'm single now, and kinda bummed since I've never successfully pursued a girl- Priya and Laura basically fell into my lap. Being shy sucks.

Soapbox Monkey
10-04-2003, 08:35 PM
Originally posted by Troy McClure SF
I'm single now, and kinda bummed since I've never successfully pursued a girl- Priya and Laura basically fell into my lap. Being shy sucks.

Well, that's more than I've gotten.

Gunslinger
10-04-2003, 11:27 PM
I met my SO (racinchikki right here on the SDMB. She mentioned in some thread or another that she liked my sig and username, then we hijacked "Very Vaguely Creepy" into flirting, had a thread where she fought with another girl over me, and were among the last in the wave of virtual marriages in fall of 2000. Almost exactly a year later, while going to college in Mississippi, she came over to meet in person, and visited about once a month thereafter, and moved here from New York in July '03 so we could be together forever. :)

lorene
10-05-2003, 06:30 AM
Originally posted by Crusoe
I went to that club. I stood on my own, I left on my own, I went home and I cried and I wanted to die.

Dear SDMB,
I never thought it would happen to me. I mean, I had read stories about people spitting out various beverages when they read something which made them laugh, but I kind of figured they were exaggerated.
Until this morning...

Sublight
10-05-2003, 10:19 AM
I met my first two girlfriends online.

The first I met back when I was active on alt.folklore.urban. A new person joined in and I noticed from her email address that she went to the same school as me. I emailed her, we chatted a bit, and I asked if she wanted to grab dinner together. We had a good time, but I was too shy to try to push it beyond 'just friends'. Finally, when we were sitting in my dorm room, she got tired of my cluelessness, grabbed me by my collar and pulled down onto the bed.

The second was also a student at the same college, and I met through chatting during spring break while 90% of the other students were away. The rest happened in pretty much the same fashion as the first.

enipla
10-05-2003, 01:52 PM
At a rodeo. Iím not a rodeo/cowboy type, but I went to the County fair. Since I work for the County (Information Systems) I got elected to get the cow that the cowboys rope. They pick Ďem out before hand. I had now idea.

"Go get number 44. The one squeezed into the corner on the other side of all those other cows."

"Ummm, yep. There is an ambulance here, right?"

I was in shorts, a tee shirt and running shoes.

Anyway, after getting kicked a few times, I went back to the truck that the County employees where hanging out at. I was sitting on the roof, Mrs. Enipla to be was sitting on the hood.

I was 32 at the time and had just about given up. You never know.

chorpler
10-05-2003, 02:21 PM
I met my wife (and her twin sister) at a church dance when I was 16. Having lived for years in a relatively small town, I had seen them at school all the time, but being utterly clueless, I had no idea they were twins until I became interested in them. After a few hours at the dance, I finally got up the nerve to ask them to dance, one after the other, and then had my friend Matt find out more about them from one of their friends. The next day I looked in the phone book and found three or four listings with their last name, so I randomly picked one and called it. Turned out to be their grandma; it also turned out that their phone number was unlisted, and even if it hadn't been, their mom had a different last name anyway. Fortunately, their grandma gave me their phone number, and I called it, although I was almost ready to pass out by that point. Fortunately they turned out to be nice, and after a couple of weeks of "dating" both of them, I ended up with the quieter, shyer (and, as it turned out, the much nicer and smarter) of the two. That was my first girlfriend ... and now we've been married for almost eight years.

The only downside of us getting together is that we're both really shy, so even simple tasks like ordering pizza or returning a broken purchase to the store is a matter of "You do it." "No, YOU do it." "No way! I'm too scared!" And our two daughters are pretty shy too -- the older one is so shy that she refuses to say anything to people who aren't close friends. She refuses to talk to anybody at school, which makes it difficult for her teachers. But she's gradually opening up -- she'll whisper quietly to her teacher now, for instance.

But I guess those are the hazards you face when your genes and environment are both created by shy people. ;)

sperfur
10-05-2003, 02:48 PM
Originally posted by Ceefa's Mate
After a few weeks of "good mornings" I started to make sure we reached a particular ditch at the same time, where upon I had to lend her my hand to cross it, did'nt I!
That is an awesome story. Romance! I love it!

Here's my suggestions:

Get out of the house. Get involved in something. Maybe go to a dopefest. But make yourself available by getting out.

Pay attention. You never know who might be sitting there thinking "He's yummy." but not moving on it. If you can figure that out, you should have it made.

racinchikki
10-05-2003, 10:30 PM
chorpler:

The only downside of us getting together is that we're both really shy, so even simple tasks like ordering pizza or returning a broken purchase to the store is a matter of "You do it." "No, YOU do it." "No way! I'm too scared!"

Ha! It's me and Gun!

Troy McClure SF
10-06-2003, 03:23 AM
Originally posted by Soapbox Monkey
Well, that's more than I've gotten.

I should've worded that differently.

I mean it sucks knowing that I probably won;t have the balls to pursue anyone, so I'll have to wait until I get lucky again, which may not be any time soon.

prisoner6655321
10-06-2003, 09:45 PM
Originally posted by Soapbox Monkey
Do online dating services charge money?
Most do. There are a couple that don't. MeetChristians (http://www.MeetChristians.com) is totally 100% free. But I encourage you to make a donation.

I'm also painfully shy. I tend to like the sweet and shy girl who wouldn't ever ask a guy out, and I fear I'll never be able to ask one of them out without some help. Alcohol doesn't really help me, as it has so many of you. I don't drink. But I've had maybe half a dozen girls ask ME out. I've not been happy with the results though. Still, I absolutely LOVED being asked out. And I can't imagine that I'll ever say no to a girl asking me out.

Now to my story. But she ain't my SO. In fact I just met her, about two hours ago. I noticed that I get some "attention" (glances, smiles, eye contact) when I am well dressed in the grocery store, so I make sure I go to the grocery store every Monday after work, when I'm best dressed. Not everybody goes to the clubs and not everybody goes to church (or your church), but everybody's got to get groceries from time to time, right? There have been some close calls before, but I haven't been able to find the nerve to actually talk to a girl in the grocery store. Even when I absolutely know she is interested. But tonight, the man upstairs was on my side. I walked into the store right behind this girl. She smiled at me as we were getting our carts. We kept bumping into each other. And every time she let out this big grin. Then she finally made some little comment on how I was following her. (Honestly! I wasn't!) I accused her of doing the same and we kept this cute little competitive "stop following me" - "no, YOU stop following ME" attitude until we got to the checkout lines. I checked out first and man it took for EVER for her to come out to her car. Good thing I LOCKED MY KEYS IN THE CAR! Do you believe that? Holey schmoley, what timing?! I don't know how my spare key walked out of my wallet, but I'm glad it did. She parked a couple of cars away and before she could drive away I walked up to her car and asked her if she could help me. She kept me company until I was able to get ahold of a wrecker and since I was so humiliated already and she was nice and she seemed to genuinely like me it made it a cinch to ask her out. The cost to unlock my door: $40. Worth every penny.

So the moral. You never know when love will hit. The Lord works in mysterious ways. Ain't it great?
And don't worry about carrying that spare key in your wallet. I did and fat lot o' good it did me for my car tonight. But losing the key did get me a date.

tanookie
10-06-2003, 11:36 PM
One thing for advice I would like to give is that if the shy guy wants the girl he needs to be a little receptive to her advances...

I met my shy guy in college. I thought he was smart and funny and attractive and interesting and just plain wonderful. He thought he was boring and that no girl would ever give him a second glance. So I was flirting like crazy and he was oblivious.

I would 'break' my computer and ask him to come up and fix it. Then I'd try and get him to hang out or go for dinner so I could say thanks and all that stuff... He'd just tell me that wasn't necessary and leave!

I was beginning to really think he totally was not interested at all. I finally got him to go for dinner by asking him to take me to pick up my paycheck... then while we were out I finally got him to go to dinner with me. Then we went to the arcade and when that closed we went for a walk along the river... it was then that I finally asked the right questions that got him to talk to me and discovered he really was interested.

Anyway moral of the story is that I had to work really hard to land my shy guy because he really did seem uninterested... So try and be more aware of the clues girls around you are sending. If they seem at all interested don't chalk it up to them being nice... take a leap and see what happens!

(Oh that date was 12 years ago. We celebrated our 7th anniversary last month and had our second child this week!)

Chimera
10-06-2003, 11:56 PM
I had known my soon-to-be-Ex for a good 12 years or so as one of those distant see-them-once-or-twice-a-year friend of a friend. I thought she was nice, if a bit old for me at the time (she had a teenage daughter when we first met and I assumed that she was a good 10+ years older than me when she was only 6 years older). That and I was very immature and insecure.

About 2.5 years ago she took in a stray mother cat and her 6 kittens. Mutual friends pushed us together and at first, I went over "to see the kittens". We got together that June and I asked her to marry me at Thanksgiving. We got married last October and separated at the end of August. We're now in the process of divorce.

But hey, I had two good years with her. I became a better man because of, and for her. I changed a lot.

Unfortunately, as I said in the "Things I Recently Learned the Hard Way" thread; "I learned that if you drive through an entire forest of red flags to marry the woman you love, you will be beaten with every last one of them on the way out of the relationship."

The basic fact was that she was already on SSDI for mental illness. For a time, she got better. A few months after we married, she started a long, slow slide into madness.

Regardless of all the subsequent pain and loss, I wouldn't give that time up for the world. Despite what she may say (she's claiming abuse), I am a much better person for the experience. (And I don't mean that in a Holier Than Thou manner. I was an asshole and I couldn't be one, didn't want to be one, for her.)

Soapbox Monkey
10-07-2003, 08:23 AM
Originally posted by tanookie
One thing for advice I would like to give is that if the shy guy wants the girl he needs to be a little receptive to her advances...

I met my shy guy in college. I thought he was smart and funny and attractive and interesting and just plain wonderful. He thought he was boring and that no girl would ever give him a second glance. So I was flirting like crazy and he was oblivious.


Well, I would be receptive, if there were any signals at all, which there aren't. I've been here for 3 weeks now and 3 girls have spoken to me. All 3 are involved with guys.

And I can relate to the way he felt. I too am very boring and can't see why any girl would approach me. All the other guys are funny and spontaneous. They have amazing lives and have all these awesome stories to tell. And they can impress women and make them laugh at the drop of a hat. I can't compete with that.:(

Elysian
10-07-2003, 08:56 AM
Originally posted by Soapbox Monkey
I can't compete with that.:(

Good lord, the last thing I want from a relationship is men competing with one another. That totally turns me off.

I met my very shy guy when I was hanging out with some friends. I'd met him a couple of times before, and I thought he was great. He has the prettiest smile and the sexiest voice.

So I flirted! It's not hard. Remember back when you were a kid and you teased your siblings? Threw things at them and whatnot? Well, I bumped into him a couple of times, deliberately, when we were walking around, and instead of saying "excuse me" I grinned really widely and did it again!

Then later when we were all sitting on the couch I picked up a throw blanket and dropped it over his head and pretended like I hadn't. I teased him all night, flustered and annoyed him, because I wanted him to notice me.

It worked. Today's our third anniversary.

You never know -- that girl you have been jonesing for may secretly be hot for you. Throw a paper airplane at her next time you see her.

Remember, you only pull the pigtails of the one you love :D

Sunspace
10-07-2003, 09:51 AM
Remember that many people actually find it difficult to interpret social signals. Yes, there may be additional factors, such as (in my case) a belief that no-one would be interested (happily, this belief is fading for me), but sometimes the apparently-uninterested one may be interested but unaware or unable to pick up on subtle signals.

Sometimes you have to be very obvious. :)

Duke
10-07-2003, 09:53 AM
I'm not with anyone now. My last two exes I met at college, one only because I happened to be talking to someone about cricket and she joined into the conversation, and the last because I was invited to a dinner and I wouldn't have accepted the invitation if I'd had to pay for it. The last one was funny--I was seated with her and two people that I knew. I kept trying to draw her in to the conversation, but she was too shy to talk. I didn't see her again for another three months, but only six months after that we were engaged.

Those two events just seem so far out of the range of normal possibility (how many times will one talk about cricket in the States? how many free dinners are you going to be invited to?) that sometimes I start thinking that only some strangely unusual event needs to occur for me to find someone. Since my divorce was finalized 18 months ago, I've been on 12 dates, probably more than I'd been on in the years before I got married, and, being shy, I've felt like all of them have been very difficult. I've tried hard to do well and I think the trying has shown through.

But I have another date tomorrow night, and so I will try again.

Soapbox Monkey
10-07-2003, 10:51 AM
Elysian, I think you get the idea of what I meant when I said "compete." I just have none of those fun, outstanding qualities that so many other guys do, so naturally the girls flock to them and I'm left sitting in the corner by myself. :(

Flypsyde
10-07-2003, 12:09 PM
Originally posted by Soapbox Monkey
Elysian, I think you get the idea of what I meant when I said "compete." I just have none of those fun, outstanding qualities that so many other guys do, so naturally the girls flock to them and I'm left sitting in the corner by myself. :(

Yeah. You do. You should need no more proof of this than the fact that you're registered here. You obviously can converse on a somewhat social level, and I'd wager that you're far more interesting to girls than you can ever imagine. I mean, to be honest, most of the people who are terminally dull think of themselves as just incredibly interesting and exciting because they're just so fucking boring they wouldn't know excitement if it bit them in the apple sack.

It helps if you realize that the vast majority of girls will probably never make a move so overt as to leave no mistake of their intentions. It's a terrible burden to almost always have to make the first move, I know. But if you can make it past the first few moves, she'll start making a lot more of them. And those are the fun ones, lemme tell you. They're the kind of moves where she tries to restrict you movement via strategic placement of her body, usually by exerting the majority of her body weight on, say, your pelvic region, or oftentimes your face. And those moves are usually performed naked, as an added benefit!

Listen, I was in your position for a long, long time. I'd put even money that no matter how many of these threads you read, how many of your friends you ask, none of this, will instantly turn you into a suave heartbreaker. Sure as shit never did for me. About the only thing it can do is help you start to realize the following:

It's your pride (and the fear of its loss) that are holding you back.

I began to break out of my shell when I realized that. Now that I've spent some time on the other side, I can tell you a few things.

-Pride doesn't wear nice perfume or sexy clothes.
-Pride will never carry on a conversation or tell you a joke.
-(And sorry for the lewdness)A vagina tastes better than pride. Promise.

Soapbox Monkey
10-07-2003, 12:28 PM
Nope. No pride. Just an extreme lack of self worth.

msmith537
10-07-2003, 12:32 PM
Originally posted by Elysian
Good lord, the last thing I want from a relationship is men competing with one another. That totally turns me off.


And yet sometimes we have to. Except that a lot of guys don't realize that six dudes having a swordfight around a girl generally means none of them will get her.


I went to a college where the ratio of guys to girls (it's always about the ratio) was something like 5:4. Take into account unhookupables and the fact that more guys tend to go out to parties for longer periods of time and you end up with a sausage factor of maybe 3:1 at best or as high as 10:1 or ever greater. And most of those guys there were rich jocks who liked to party a lot.

In that kind of environment, you learn pretty quickly how to meet girls and "close the deal" quickly otherwise you'll have 10 other guys trying to sausage their way in. In time, and if the Force is strong in you, you should be able to walk into a party and already know which girls you can probably hook up with and go hook up with them.

Admittedly, I was somewhat of a complete dunce in high school when it came to girls though. Like most things, dating and meeting girls takes practice. I will impart this wisdom based on my own personal experience:

-Be agressive
-Know when to back off and let her come to you
-You can go out with someone even if you don't think they will be the love of your life.
-If you aren't sure, err on the side of hooking up.
-Don't be a freak or a psycho
-If a girl gives you her number, try actually calling it.

Soapbox Monkey
10-07-2003, 12:36 PM
OK, the people who are giving me tips to approaching women need to know right now before they start giving anymore, that this is not going to work. I'm not even going to attempt.

Ryle Dup
10-07-2003, 04:52 PM
Then why continue posting?

prisoner6655321
10-07-2003, 06:23 PM
Originally posted by Ryle Dup
Then why continue posting? Are you asking the OP to go off topic?

Soapbox Monkey
10-07-2003, 10:53 PM
Originally posted by Ryle Dup
Then why continue posting?

If you revert back to my first post, I never asked for advice. I asked to hear stories of how terminally shy guys met their SO's in order to show me that there's hope.

5-HT
10-07-2003, 11:22 PM
I'm a pretty shy guy. Luckily, I'm also apparently attractive to aggressive women. I tend to disprove the whole "once your in the friend zone, there's no getting out" idea. almost every girl I've dated has been a friend first. the downside is that it makes the breakups hellish. also, try drinking a lot. when I do that, I stop being shy pretty quickly.(the previous two statements were at least partially tongue in cheek.)

pingalondon
10-08-2003, 06:48 AM
Soapbox Monkey, I am the SO of one of the previous posters. He was bloody hard work, but very worth it.

You sound a bit like he used to when I met him. I spent the first couple of years we were together (we have now been together for 6) gradually building his confidence and making him realise he had a lot to offer. I am sure you have a lot to offer too.

Not all women are attracted to the life of the party. A lot of women are happy to do the work. And I have spent years singing the praises of shy and interesting guys to all my women friends.

If, as you say, at this point in time you are not inclined to take action, that's OK. There is hope. We are out there!

DaddyTimesTwo
10-08-2003, 09:20 AM
My wife and I don't remember the very first time we met, just that it was around 1990ish. She had loser boyfriend and I was a loser. I had a crush on her for years. She aand boyfriend broke up and got back together numerous times. Each time I thought maybe this is the right time to ask her out, but by the next time I saw she was back with the boyfriend. Except, finally, major breakup occurred. I asked her out. We dated for three months I think. Old boyfriend called back, they made up, I got dumped. I was a pathetic, crying mess for weeks. I got better.

Two years pass. We meet in the local park taking a walk. She has moved to an apartment closeby. I ask about boyfriend, she's vague. We meet several times over the next couple weeks, go out for coffee, boyfriend is gone for good, has been for months, we go out on a date, and in short order I basically move in with her, and today we have two kids and are doing well (although I have posted in the past about some issues we have, but that has more to do with us specifically than with a shy guy getting a date).

I'd stick with being yourself and letting what happens happen. But you do have to be aware enough about people around you to know when she shows up, if you follow. If you are crippingly shy around everyone, not just women, you should seek some help. Otherwise, relax, do what you like to do. It'll happen. I also have several friends who were certainly not "good with the ladies" and who have met women and gotten married. So it's certainly possible. Good luck.

matt_mcl
10-08-2003, 10:36 AM
Pair of shy guys checking in... we met on the doperboards :)

(huggle on my shy guy!)

Oy Vey
10-08-2003, 10:39 AM
She walked up behind me at work and gave me a shoulder rub. Later she told me it was because I was the only guy out of 100+ on the sales floor that didn't hit on her.

Soapbox Monkey
10-08-2003, 10:46 AM
I don't even have a way to make myself accessible to women. I'm a comp sci major and there are only 3 girls in the class out of about 300 freshmen students.

I don't dance or club or go to parties or drink. Maybe I should give the last two a try. I don't know. But if these first 3 weeks are any projection of what the rest of this year, and my entire career at college will be, it's going to be cold, bleak, and lonely. Just like high school. :(

tanookie
10-08-2003, 11:03 AM
Hey my guy was a comp sci major too... and I was a physics major... we were in none of the same classes at all... As a matter of fact I don't think he left his room to do anything more than attend classes... but lots of guys on his floor hung out in his room playing with his toys (computer, nintendo, stereo.....) so I ended up in there too...

Bongmaster
10-08-2003, 11:09 AM
I don't know if this is a good way to do it, but I met mine at work. She's over at the next desk right now in fact (different part of the office though, I don't see her most of the day). Its working well for me, but not everyone will be so lucky dating someone at work. I didn't have to overcome too much initial shyness since work got us in the same place with something in common. Thats where I have the most difficulty, first meeting a woman and then (with class) letting her know I am interested.

Scuba_Ben
10-08-2003, 11:28 AM
Soapbox Monkey, the fact that you have self-worth issues is relatively a GOOD thing, in that it's FAR easier to build you up than it would be to deal with an overdeveloped pride.

You imply that you're in college. There should be some kind of counselling department in your college's student services. Go to them, and get help with your self worth. Today, if you please; the sooner you start, the sooner you'll respect yourself!

One of the most important things I have learned in my self development of the past year, is that for us shy people it is VITAL to develop self respect and a good self worth. It is that good sense of self that leads to becoming a truly interesting person, whom people enjoy being around.

Now go get 'em!

Fang
10-08-2003, 04:10 PM
Originally posted by Soapbox Monkey
I don't even have a way to make myself accessible to women. I'm a comp sci major and there are only 3 girls in the class out of about 300 freshmen students.

I don't dance or club or go to parties or drink. Maybe I should give the last two a try. I don't know. But if these first 3 weeks are any projection of what the rest of this year, and my entire career at college will be, it's going to be cold, bleak, and lonely. Just like high school. :(
This sounded familiar to me, so I did a search and realized I had read your earlier thread on a different topic. I am a "shy guy" (or at least was, am somewhat less now), and don't currently have a girlfriend. I actually have never had a steady girlfriend, but for now let's say that's mostly by choice, as I don't want to get into all the specifics.

You are in college now, as am I, so I appreciate your situation. It can be tough to meet people, girls especially, but you have to act as if the barriers that traditionally have stopped you are no longer there. My closest friends here tell me most of them thought I was a bit of an arrogant prick when they first met me, though they now understand that I am basically pretty shy and was just acting very strongly to overcome that. So a couple people thought I was a prick for a little while; in the end it worked out pretty well anyway.

The truth is there are plenty of girls to meet and plenty of ways to meet them. Don't worry about how one will become your girlfriend, there is no love at first sight. But you live in a dorm, man. That is like the best opportunity you can possibly have. Just walk around and talk to random people, particularly girls, particularly girls with their doors open. You don't have to ask them out or even get a number right away, just establish contact so that when you see them around again you can say hi and talk more and see what develops.

Also, do you take all CS classes? I'm an engineer with a CS minor, so I again appreciate the situation, but I'm sure there are girls in your other classes. Make up bullshit excuses to talk to them (what was the last problem on the homework, what do you think of the prof, etc), and just bring up any tangential subject you can so a conversation develops. Believe me, I went through a lot of shit to learn this. And you don't have to drink if you're not comfortable with it, but don't rule out going to parties either. Find one person (or several), guy or girl, and go to a party with them. Go and plop yourself down on a couch or stand by the dance floor, or whatever, and if you see a girl you like just talk to her. Even if you aren't necessarily attracted right off the bat, talk to her anyway, you never know whom she might know, or if you'll grow to like her. Always act as if you're the shit, even if you don't think you are. That doesn't mean be an asshole, but if you err on the side of overconfidence, people will get to know you and realize you're not.

Fang
10-08-2003, 04:18 PM
Um, in the first sentence above I meant to say "similar" rather than "different".

Soapbox Monkey
10-08-2003, 05:29 PM
Being so afraid of being shot down, the only time I would ever approach a girl is if she was sending unmistakeable, clear-as-day signals. And since guys in general are bad at picking up on signals, thats not to likely. Basically what I'm trying to say is that it would take an act of God for me to start conversation with a girl I find attractive. Or probably any girl for that matter.

After my last thread, I realized, even after all the advice, that I wouldn't be able to cure my terminal shyness, so I asked for stories from shy guys to give me a beacon of hope. All I can do is hope that out there somewhere is an outgoing girl who likes extremely shy, scrawny geeks like me, and that chooses me from the rest of the shy, scrawny geeks.

prisoner6655321
10-09-2003, 12:57 AM
Sorry, I know you're not looking for advice but I'm giving you some anyway.

Look. If she smiles at you, she likes you. Period. All you have to do is say, "hi."
Soapbox Monkey, don't read anymore. :)

I know, not necessarily true but don't tell Soapbox Monkey. Seems like he just needs to know she's interested. I'm Just trying to get him to go to talk to the girls. You know he talks to enough girls and some will bite.

Okay Soapbox Monkey I told you not to read this now you ruint it. :) The point is you have to believe that she's interested. If all you need to know is that she likes you then if she bumps into you she likes you. If she says one word to you she likes you. If she makes eye contact she likes you. If she looks at you she likes you. I know you don't believe it, but you HAVE to believe it. Even if it's really not true, make it true. Since you can't read the subtle language Women speak, it will pay to assume that every signal she gives you means "I like you." I know this might seem hard, but lie to yourself. The next girl you see at the post office or at the bus stop or whatever think to yourself, "what signal is she giving off that says she likes me. Ignore the ones that say, "yuck" and pay attention to the signals that say "yummy". Keep doing that day after day, week after week. Eventually you'll start noticing more and more positive signals and it will become harder to see the negative signals. It will soon become easier to think about approaching one of them. Then one day, pass one girl and just say "hi" as you make eye contact. That's all you have to do. No pressure to ask for her number, just "hi". Keep doing that over and over again (not to the same girl) and soon you'll think how easy it might be to say something else. Once you reach that step. Once you get her to communicate with you, it's all downhill.

Sorry, I know that's not what you wanted to hear. I think you are hearing a lot of evidence for what you are hoping for. Like I said earlier, I've dated several aggressive women. It could happen to you too. But get out there. You can't meet Women at home. I met one at court. Another at a pool hall. And this last one at the grocery store. Join a gym. Go to church. At least go to the movies. Do anything but stay at home. And make sure that every time you go out you dress to impress. And I mean that. Seriously. Throw out your t-shirts and dress like you mean it. Every day. Buy nice clothes. $50 for a pair of pants is not too much. $30 for a dress shirt is not too much. $100 for dress shoes is not too much. In fact that's cheap. Wear a nice belt. Put on a nice watch. Shine those shoes. Women notice things like this and many make judgements based on these details. Everybody does that to a certain extent. It's understandable. Use it to your advantage. A suit is probably overdoing it but at least wear a button down long sleeve dress shirt. If that's too much then at least make sure you look stylish. If you don't know what that means then ask a salesman, or better yet a salesWoman. Make sure you smell nice. Get a haircut regularly. Make sure your car is spic and span as much as possible. Keep your home clean, just in case. Maybe the female mail-carrier is the one for you and she gets a flat and needs to use your phone. Happened to me once. (House was a mess.) You must make yourself and your life look tip-top. You never know when that special girl is going to come around and you want to be prepared for it. If you are counting on her to make the first move, then you have to make her WANT to make the first move. At the very least, when you look good you know it and then you feel good. You are happy and more approachable. And just like you wouldn't talk to a girl unless you KNOW she likes you, most women wouldn't dream of talking to a guy unless she KNOWS he likes her. Send her some signals of your own. Smile. Make a hair longer than usual eye contact. Do a double-take. Make it clear (or less muddy at least) to her that you are interested. Who knows, maybe she'll talk to you, or at least she will send some signals back to you that help to convince you that you cannot let this one get away.

Hope that helps. Good luck to all of us shy guys. And dear Lord please bless all aggressive women!

Scuba_Ben
10-09-2003, 08:08 AM
Originally posted by Soapbox Monkey
After my last thread, I realized, even after all the advice, that I wouldn't be able to cure my terminal shyness, so I asked for stories from shy guys to give me a beacon of hope. All I can do is hope that out there somewhere is an outgoing girl who likes extremely shy, scrawny geeks like me, and that chooses me from the rest of the shy, scrawny geeks. Second, you have to find her.

First, you have to deal with that shyness. You're studying an engineering discipline; when you come across a complex problem, what do you do? You consult an expert. (Fellow student, TA, even the professor.)

I'm not going to give you advice here, Soapbox Monkey, I'm going to give you something else.

A gauntlet.

:throw:

"There lieth my gage, engaged to thine!"

I CHALLENGE

Scuba_Ben
10-09-2003, 08:17 AM
(AOP: Sorry for the double-post; I accidently tabbed over to the "post reply" button too soon.)
Originally posted by Soapbox Monkey
After my last thread, I realized, even after all the advice, that I wouldn't be able to cure my terminal shyness, so I asked for stories from shy guys to give me a beacon of hope. All I can do is hope that out there somewhere is an outgoing girl who likes extremely shy, scrawny geeks like me, and that chooses me from the rest of the shy, scrawny geeks. For her to choose you, you have to be able to accept when she does so.

First you have to deal with that shyness. You're studying an engineering discipline; when you come across a complex problem, what do you do? You consult an expert. (Fellow student, TA, the professor, etc.)

I'm not going to give you advice here, Soapbox Monkey, I'm going to give you something else.

A gauntlet.

:throw:

"There lieth my gage, engaged to thine!"

I CHALLENGE you, dude, to seek immediate assistance from your school's counselling service. Issues of shyness and self esteem are no more complex, in their own discipline, than your CS assignments are in yours. Professional assistance will help you with these issues -- it's up to you to seek it out. I dare you to do so!

So there's my challenge to you, Soapbox Monkey: Call in the expert, today. Are you up to meeting my challenge?

There's my gauntlet, right at your feet.
Pick it up.
Put it on.
Live like a man.

Soapbox Monkey
10-09-2003, 01:17 PM
Okay, about seeking counselling, what could they possibly do for me? Unless they have some magic drug that will make me talk to girls, or they run an escort service, the most they can do is offer me advice. And I think my last few threads have shown just how little the "get over the shyness" advice has done.

Scuba_Ben
10-09-2003, 01:53 PM
They can work with you to develop skills, develop a better outlook, outgrow shyness.

Not through advice, but through DOING things.

Start with a first session to ask them, HOW they will work with you. Tell them what you've told us, and ask what aid they will give you. Then come back with the answer to your question, what will this counsellor do for you and your particular case.

Just give it a start, and we'll go from there. Will you take this first step on your quest?

Soapbox Monkey
10-09-2003, 02:17 PM
Well...there's a huge difference between talking to people on the net, and in real life. I'm not sure I'd feel comfortable being so vulnerable and open with my feelings around a counsellor. I mean, I'd hate to have a break down or something infront of someone. :(

Soapbox Monkey
10-09-2003, 02:18 PM
And how would I explain to my roommate where I'm going?

Ryle Dup
10-09-2003, 04:16 PM
Roomy : Where you going?

You : Out

Roomy : oh

You : bye.

Roomy : bye

Ryle Dup
10-09-2003, 04:18 PM
Furthermore, why exactly would you have to tell your roommate where you are going? Just leave, jeez.

Sunspace
10-09-2003, 04:21 PM
Soapbox, counselors are there to support you if you break down. Counseling is a protected space, where you can talk about and do things that you might not be able to do out among the general public. If you get a counselor and he or she does not support you, you need to get a different counselor.

Listen to Scuba_Ben: there are different kinds of counselors, and you need to find one who is appropriate to you and your needs. Some people may need to learn certain social skills (anything from learning formal dress to learning how to flirt), while others need to break through internal emotional barriers.

I had to do both these things, but I also had to 'get out of my head' and connect with my physical self. My counselors have done a lot of 'bodywork' with me, anbd they pushed me to start exercising.

I went to group counseling for a long time, to learn how to exist among people, how to handle the intensity of emotion among people around me, how to just get used to people.

I told people I was going to a study group. It's true. We were studying--and experiencing, and learning--how to be human. And the counselors were always there to support us and help us through the difficult bits.

I repeat: you need the right counselor for you. If you find one who rubs you the wrong way, waste no time finding a new one.

And you don't have to explain the details about where you're going to anyone. It's your business, not theirs.

Kombucha'ShroomPerson
10-10-2003, 05:23 AM
Well, I met my girlfriend in sixth form. I sort-of-kind-of asked her out after knowing her for about a year, and nothing really happened, except I felt very silly, and we talked on the phone a few times. And then I asked her out again about eight or nine months later, expecting a "no, I don't like you" response, and just really wanting to definitely know if she liked me or not, and we've been together for two years, five months. hooray! :)

Greathouse
10-10-2003, 05:44 AM
I punched the guy she was going out with in the jaw while at a very public place. Full details are in the OP in this thread. (http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?threadid=199156&highlight=six+flags)

To be perfectly honest I knew her before that, but I was way too afraid/shy/insecure to even think about asking her out or "hitting on her". I have always been extremely shy around new people, especially women, and so I probably come off as a mute snob. Once I have been around the person long enough, or enough times to feel comfortable then I come out of my shell. I know I should trust in myself and have the confidence to be who I am from the begining, but the damn fear of rejection is just too big sometimes.

So since I knew her before punching her boyfriend, I guess I actually met her through a mutual friend. That is how I have met all of my SOs. Except my ex-wife. I met her by knocking on the wrong door. One of my friends had just moved and I was going to his new house for the first time. I rang the nieghbor's doorbell by accident and met The BitchTM.

Scuba_Ben
10-10-2003, 07:47 AM
Hampsters ate my post last night. :burp:

Ryle Dup has answered your question about your roomie. Roomie does not need to know. If it'll help you, try to set your appointment for right after a class, so you're already out of the room.

You're quite right, Soapbox Monkey, about the issue of feeling comfortable enough with a counsellor to open up and express your feelings. It will take time to develop that trust; this will be the first big task you and your counsellor will address. Once you trust your counsellor enough to open up, then the real work will begin. (If you go to a few sessions without making progress towards opening up, ask for a different counsellor.)

The sooner you start, man, the sooner you will start to truly live. Will you give it that old college try?

Scuba_Ben
10-13-2003, 12:23 PM
It's three days since the last post in this thread.

Soapbox Monkey, have you started your quest yet? How are things at your end?

Gyrate
10-13-2003, 01:10 PM
She stalked me.

Okay, it was a little more complicated than that, but it did involve her contriving to get a copy of my class schedule so that she could "accidentally" bump into me in the hallway. I claim this is devious; she calls it "planning ahead". We've been married 13 years now, all of them very happy.

In long hindsight, it is apparent that in fact there were various women during my single years who were extremely interested in me, but which I didn't notice because 1) I was extremely clueless when it came to recognizing the signs, and 2) even when the signs were obvious, I assumed that I was misinterpreting them because, after all, who'd want to go out with me? Poor self-image is a terrible burden, and not so easily dismissed even with counseling (I speak from experience here).

My advice: if you can't make the first move, at least put yourself in a situation where she can. Get involved in group activities, and just generally be a good person without trying to impress women. Odds are there'll be someone there who notices you.

GargoyleWB
10-13-2003, 01:32 PM
Well, I missed out on a wonderfully perfect woman who was rather blatantly clear for a long period of time that she was interested in me, very interested. The catch is that she was incredibly traditional and needed me to ultimately "be a man" as it were, and do something noble and romantic while asking her out formally to gain her consent. It felt like she was an old southern belle waiting for her gentleman.

At any rate, I was too shy, and kept waiting for her to ask me out formally, trying to drop hints and be sly and non-comittal. She lost interest and found someone else.

Fortunately, a couple years later, a second wonderfully perfect woman approached me in the same infuriatingly traditional manner. I had been in a serious depression over my previous lost opportunity and resolved never again to forsake such an opportunity that I would regret for the rest of my life.

So I did the bravest, most incredible act of courage and strength and selflessness I have ever done in my life, throwing all fear of shame and disgrace and embarrassment away, letting loose my barbaric "yalp!" to the universe that had scorned me in love before....

Me: "Uh....so....." (swirls toe in dirt) "I was....ummmm....thinking..." (looks up sheepishly) "....would you like to get together for a coffee?...." (remembers to breathe in as black tunnel-vision threatens to overwhelm)

Her: "YES!"

Lovely Miss Gargoyle and I are getting married next year :D :D

Don't underestimate the power of simply asking somebody!

Gyrate
10-13-2003, 06:29 PM
Originally posted by Soapbox Monkey
I don't even have a way to make myself accessible to women. I'm a comp sci major and there are only 3 girls in the class out of about 300 freshmen students.

I don't dance or club or go to parties or drink. Maybe I should give the last two a try. I don't know. But if these first 3 weeks are any projection of what the rest of this year, and my entire career at college will be, it's going to be cold, bleak, and lonely. Just like high school. :( Okay, having reread this, I'm going to have to yell at you (but in a firm, well-meaning, avuncular way).

1) Three weeks? I'd barely figured out where my classes were after three weeks, let alone begun forming romantic attachments (or, for that matter, getting laid). It's way too early to write off your entire college career on the basis of your first three weeks.

2) Going to parties is good. Drinking is a less reliable proposition, in that while it makes some people less inhibited it makes others more depressed, and it often makes both groups do and say stupid things which are regretted later.

3) So you're a comp sci major - so what? There's no rule that says you're only allowed to hook up with other comp sci majors. As I said before, go get involved in some extracurricular activity that involves a broader range of people; if nothing else, it'll do you good to get out more.

4) Odds are, the women you're sitting there wishing would be attracted to you are the same pretty, popular ones that ignored you in high school. Word to the wise: these are often the most shallow, vain and high-maintenance people you could date. Take another look at the female equivalents of yourself -- the quiet, scholarly types are often tremendously interesting people when you get to know them. And you'll have more in common with them to boot.

5) Speaking of high school: college is not high school. The dynamics are different, the setting is less rigid and so the social dynamics are a little more fluid. It's a whole new ballgame, kid.

Soapbox Monkey
10-13-2003, 08:22 PM
Originally posted by Scuba_Ben
It's three days since the last post in this thread.

Soapbox Monkey, have you started your quest yet? How are things at your end?

Umm...well, I did another soup kitchen thing on friday night with the club I'm now a member of (Circle K). There is this cliche of freshmen in the club, and I've talked to this one guy Mike a little bit. So at the soup kitchen, after we had served and cleaned up, Mike and 3 girls (Becky, Rose, and Stephanie) were talking right near me, while I'm just quietly thinking to myself.

All of a sudden, out of no where, Rose says, "Hey, sorry, we've been talking around you and we don't even know your name." So I tell them my name and what dorm building I'm in and I started talking with them. Then when we got back to campus Becky said that I should come over to their dorm building and hang out sometime.

Unfortunately I didn't get her number so I have no way of contacting them to hang out. So I guess I have to wait for the next meeting next Sunday.

But I'm kind of clueless about socializing etiquette, so how should I go about this? Since I didn't ask for a number the first time, do I have to wait for another hang out invite before I ask for a number? I don't know what I should do.:o

Gyrate
10-14-2003, 03:13 AM
See? Tolja. All will be well in the fullness of time.

Scuba_Ben
10-14-2003, 08:01 AM
Good start, man! If I knew how to code in an image, I'd give you a clapping-hands smiley! (This is a test: Clappity! )

Go to the next meeting, go up to Becky, and tell her you didn't get her dorm & phone number, would she please tell you these so you can write them down.

You already have the invitation, and you've already started talking with these people. Next time go up to them and start talking. (Ex: "Hi, Rose. How have classes been this week?")

In quest terms, I think you just encountered your threshold guardians. You still need your mentor / teacher / counsellor. You've already got the sidekicks / comic relief here on the boards.

notquitekarpov
10-14-2003, 08:37 AM
My tale? Well I qualify as painfully shy, better now that at school/university but I was always the guy that went bright red for no reason when talking to people. Not necessarily girls, not necessarily girls that I fancied, pretty much anyone. Was a late starter, pretty much all the girls I went out with having made the first move. No make that all the girls.

Meanwhile all my mates are meeting their SO's, getting married, having kids. Me, still single most of the time with occassional girlfriends but none lasting more than a year. Time passes.

Then with two other single male friends (one just out of the love-of-his-life 10 year relationship) having a few beers and we do a secret poll on the percentage chance of each of us settling down. Well the highest scores around a 20% average, I score zero. OK small sample but zero!?! Thinks. "Hell I have GOT to do something about this".

And that is pretty much it - just decided to change, risk something. Don't let life pass you by and keep your eyes and ears open and seize the moment. Don't go to the other extream, but really all they can say is, "no". Usually they say, "no thanks" but you have made someone's day by asking them!!

Present girlfriend. Well, met her at a gig (she took a spare ticket as a friend of a work colleague of mine) we got on well over a pizza before, chatting, trying each others food. I didn't think too much of it, but work colleague next day at work says, "Hey you two would be SO GOOD for each other. Why don't you get together". Me not interested as really interested in HER, despite being work colleagues - like working opposite each other - and that being one of my no no's from experience if too closely working together. But it does force me to ask out said work colleague on basis that I couldn't move on unless I had found out. She not interested (but totally cool and now we are best friends) but does allow me to notice what she did. Ask current girlfriend out, ask her out and get as far as making dates but always cancelled for some reason. Get discouraged (I can take a hint) and months later chatting to my work colleague (her friend) about it (she is still trying to get us together) and explain it seems like her friend just don't have time/space in her life for a significant other. The three of us still meeting socially - and one day girlfriend calls me up and asks me out to dinner. It happens, and it great and I seize the moment and kiss her whilst walking her to her last train - on the pretty bridge in Green Park on the way to Victoria Station (London).

Been together since - a year almost now - and it's the real thing. :). Talked about getting hitched eventually, babies and all that. Cool! OK, so here I am, expat-ing it in Africa and she doing likewise in Singapore but two years? That's nothing compared to what we have both been going through looking for Mr/Ms Right. We both felt the need to get it out of our systems before settling down.

It going to be a real test of what we have but it seems stronger for it - and hey are we going to have a fantastic time when we next see each other!;) Roll on Xmas......

Wish us luck please!

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