View Full Version : Best Cartman Lines

10-18-2003, 04:09 AM
Ok, before these "Best Lines" threads get out of hand (too late), I want to ask for the best Cartman lines ever.

One of my favorites is wonderful for the subtlty of the delivery (yes, Cartman can be subtle)

Cartman being dropped off at fat camp

Rick: Hi, you must be Eric. I'm Rick, how are you today?

Cartman: Well Rick, I'm pissed off. How are you?

10-18-2003, 05:35 AM
Screw you guys, I'm going home.

10-18-2003, 05:42 AM
From "Freak Strike"

"Maury, I am out of control. Yeah, I use drugs. I can do what I waunt, b!tch! Yeah I have sex, and I don't use protection! It's my hot body; I'll do what I waunt! [brings out a lollipop] I don't go to school and I kill people! What-evah! I'll do what I waunt!"

Not two days after this episode I saw a "outta control" teen on some talk show that almost said the lines verbatim... laughed my @ss off...


10-18-2003, 02:35 PM
I always liked the one where Cartman kisses Osama Bin Laden: "Hmmm. Tastes like chicken. Tastes like a chicken's ass."

Michael Ellis
10-18-2003, 02:47 PM
"Dude, dolphins are intelligent and friendly."
"Intelligent and friendly on rye bread with some mayonaise."

"Eric did you just say the F word?!?"

"Right! That does it! Screw you guys, I'm going home. Talking poo is where I draw the line."

10-18-2003, 02:49 PM
Dolphins, Eskimos, who cares? It's all a bunch of hippie crap.

10-18-2003, 03:38 PM
"I am a cop, and you WILL respect my AUTHORITAH!"

"Check me out, I'm such a beefcake I can't even fit through the door."

10-18-2003, 03:55 PM
"Mom, if you were on an internet porn site, you'd tell me, right?"

The Kyle's Mom is a Big, Fat Bitch (http://images.southparkstudios.com/media/video/110/sp110_bitchsong.mov) Song.

"Oh, please, Kyle. Come activate my anal probe. Hurry."

Arden Ranger
10-18-2003, 05:09 PM
"Mom! Kitty's being a dildo!"

10-18-2003, 05:58 PM
Mom! Kitty's being a dildo!

"Well, I guess Kitty's sleeping with mommy tonight!"

(Scary thing is, considering what a freaky 'ho Mrs. Cartman turned out to be, she might not have been kidding when she said that.)

10-18-2003, 06:33 PM
Kids are at the "Cirque de Chaville" with parents.
Announcer with heavy French accent: "And now, the Cirque de Chaville"
Cartman (mimicking accent): "Sock de So-blahhh!"

10-18-2003, 06:47 PM

Dr. Rieux
10-18-2003, 08:43 PM
"I'm not fat--I'm festively plump!"

10-18-2003, 09:14 PM
"NO! Starving Marvin, that's MY pot pie!"

"More tea, Polly Prissy Pants? More tea, Clyde Frog? Yes, Eric, you are the coolest boy in town!"

10-18-2003, 09:41 PM
"Why is it that everything today has involved things either going in, or coming out of my ass?!"

Blown & Injected
10-19-2003, 05:46 AM
If dolphins are so smart, then why do they keep gettin' stuck in them nets?

10-19-2003, 03:22 PM
Kyle or Stan asks Cartmann how he feels after a satellite dish comes out of his ass:

"You know that felling after you take an enouormous crap? Bliss."

Immediately followed by the same question after the dish goes back into his ass:

"You know that feeling when that enourmous crap you just took flies back into your ass at 60 miles an hour...no of course I don't feel alright!"

10-20-2003, 01:04 PM
I love the way he was right at the beginning of the movie:

(sitting on couch, watching TV, muching on cheesy-poofs)

Mom! Somebody's at the door!

(mother passes in front of the TV for brief second while opening the door that he's too lazy to get up to open)

Hey! You're blocking the TV!

Lord Ashtar
10-20-2003, 01:34 PM
"I wouldn't take that kind of crap from a woman. I'd be all like, Hey! Why don't you go in the kitchen and bake me a pie!"

10-20-2003, 01:51 PM
Eric: "You know, maybe we're not seeing heaven because one of us is a J-O-O"

Electronic Chaos
10-20-2003, 02:07 PM
In the toothfairy episode, Cartman replaces the words "cool" and/or "awesome" with "tits." Me and my girlfriend laughed at that for days.

10-20-2003, 02:34 PM
Cartman imagining he is Hitler: "All is Verboten, Goddammit!"


10-20-2003, 02:55 PM
Another subtle delivery after Cartman wins the regional tryouts for the Cheesy Poof commercial. Kyle insults Cartman using Haiku poetry.

"Your Haiku insults do not affect me, Kyle, for I am regional champion."

Age Quod Agis
10-20-2003, 03:14 PM
[Cartman playing Jesus on the cross in a school play]: "Weak, Peter. Lame."

10-20-2003, 03:45 PM
How could I forget...this one from the end of the movie...

"Kyle, I'm sorry I ever called you a stupid Jew. You're not a Jew."

Chaim Mattis Keller

Spurious George
10-20-2003, 04:11 PM
"I wasn't saying anything about their culture, I was just saying their city smells like ass."

"Oh, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, what I said was...
[megaphone feedback]
[puts megaphone away]

10-20-2003, 07:48 PM
During the Cheesy Poof tryouts after the redhead kid did his audition Cartman said "Uhh, I do believe that sucked ass!"

"Kyle! Why don't you go back to San Francisco with the rest of the Jews!"
Kyle; "Jews don't come from san Francisco fat ass!"
Cartman; "Kyle I will kick you in the nuts!"

"Pip, your parents are dead? Godamn you suck!"

10-21-2003, 01:23 AM
That movie has warped my fragile little mind.

10-21-2003, 01:27 AM
Beefcake, BEEFCAKE!!!

10-21-2003, 01:43 AM

You ate your parents,
You ate your parents.

One of the most disturbing SP episodes ever. And that's saying a lot.

Mr. Miskatonic
10-21-2003, 01:47 AM
" If some woman treated me like that I'd be like 'hey, why don't you stop...dressing me up like the mailman, a-and making dance for you..while you smoke crack, and have sex on my daddy's bed with someone I don't even know!' "

"Cartman, what the hell are you talking about?

"I'm just saying you're a little wuss, that's all."

Mr. Miskatonic
10-21-2003, 01:48 AM
Well, that's a hell of a way to use my 1000th post. :(

10-21-2003, 08:40 AM
Get outta my ass, you stupid rainbows!

10-21-2003, 10:05 AM
"Don't mind him, he's a very disturbed little boy."

"My mom said there's a lot of black people in Africa."

"Democrats piss me off."

"Too bad drinking scotch isn't a paying job or Kenny's dad would be a millionare!"

10-21-2003, 10:18 AM
to Starvin' Marvin:

"Here you get to eat all you want for only $6.99. That's why we all come on Tuesday nights. Except for Kenny's family, because to them, $6.99 is 2 years income." -Eric Cartman

10-21-2003, 12:06 PM
It's all in the delivery. From the Civil War re-enactment episode:

"I hate you guys ... so very, very much."

10-21-2003, 02:15 PM
Sticks and Stones may break my bones, but I am Jeus and You. Are. Not!

10-21-2003, 08:14 PM
"What's the big deal? It doesn't hurt anybody. Fuck-fuckety-fuck-fuck-fuck."

"I hate you, Kenny."

Junior Spaceman
10-21-2003, 09:45 PM
(after making a negative comment about Jews):

Kyle: HEY! I'm a Jew!
Cartman: Don't be so hard on yourself

10-22-2003, 04:16 AM
Mr Garrison: "Eric...if you call Wendy a bitch one more time, you're going to the principal's office!"

Cartman (struggling to contain himself):".......Eh....uh.....bitch."

Mr Garrison: "That's it Eric, you--"

Cartman: "I'm going, I'm going."

10-22-2003, 10:23 AM
Cartman is playing the harmonica while Stan, Kyle and Kenny look on.

"I hate you guys... *waaah waaah waah waah* .... you guys are a$$holes.... *waaah waaah waah waah* .... now let's try one all together!"