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Crunchy Frog
06-16-2004, 11:56 AM
So now that I'm back and plan to post with more regularity, I thought I'd bring back the Bullet Reviews if anyone is interested. For those who aren't familiar with the concept, I love movies and will watch just about anything. The idea is, if there's a movie (for rental, not at the theater and not made for TV) that you're unsure if you want to watch yourself, I'll watch it for you (taking the bullet, hence "Bullet Review"). I'll then post what I thought of the film in detail, spoiling any spoilers and generally spewing any vitriol for having had to watch what is usually a very bad film.

Here's links to the previous reviews for anyone who may want to get an idea of my writing style when it comes to this sort of thing:
Ankle Biters (http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=218579) - a film about midget vampires
Battlefield Earth (http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=204467) - famous flop
Hudson Hawk (http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=203707) - not as bad as its reputation
Crossroads (with Brittany Spears) (http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=181853) - stick to the bubble-gum music Brittany, stay out of bubble-gum cinema
Exorcist II (http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=181009) - great cast, great director, what went wrong? Oh... the script.

So I need more movies to watch. The rules are simple: The movies must be available on DVD or VHS. No porn. That's it, the only rules I can think of. So do you want to know why Cutthroat Island is the biggest flop of all time? Is Ishtar really that bad? Why didn't Batman and Robin ruin George Clooney's career? Did the Scooby Doo movie really need a sequel?!

You can even take the high road if you want. Not sure if Citizen Kane is your cup o' tea? I'll take on Orson Wells, he doesn't scare me! (Cuz he's dead now, y'see.)

So post your requests here, I'll review them as I find them available to rent.

SolGrundy
06-16-2004, 04:38 PM
Well, Batman and Robin is one of the most horrible "movies" ever made, but the reasons it didn't kill George Clooney's career are twofold: 1) He looks like George Clooney (exactly like him, as a matter of fact), and 2) He had the sense to follow it up with street-cred projects like The Perfect Storm and O Brother Where Art Thou?

But your point: I'll definitely take you up on it. I want to know how Scooby-Doo 2 turned out. I'm ashamed to admit that I didn't completely hate the first one, and there were actually some bits that I laughed at and thought were clever.

Rabid_Squirrel
06-16-2004, 07:21 PM
Hmmm...

- Garfield
- The Cat in the Hat

Both spring to mind, but I think that they've already been reviewed enough.

Some other choices:
- The LOTR Animated 'thing'/pseudo-movie.
- 'Legend of the Overfiend'. How bad can anime-tenticle porn be?
- 'Glitter' (with Mariah Carey). Legend has it that it's worse than 'Crossroads'
- How about an old WWF/WWE video?

Shame about the no porn rule. There was a gem of a movie that was called 'Married with Hormones' (paordy of 'Married with Children', duh). I've never laughed so much at (kinda) unintentionally funny porn in my life.

Peter Doubt
06-16-2004, 08:40 PM
Bubba Ho-Tep

I like Bruce Campbell's past movies, the premise of this one seems a little out there though.

Crunchy Frog
06-16-2004, 10:53 PM
Bubba Ho-Tep

I like Bruce Campbell's past movies, the premise of this one seems a little out there though.
And I know exactly where I can get my hands on that one and on Glitter. Those two will probably be first up.

As for Garfield and Scooby Doo 2, gotta wait for video, my friends.

Mr. Blue Sky
06-16-2004, 10:58 PM
Dodgeball. I refuse to pay good money to see the horrifically unfunny Ben Stiller. I played dodgeball in grade school, though.

SolGrundy
06-16-2004, 11:10 PM
Dodgeball. I refuse to pay good money to see the horrifically unfunny Ben Stiller. I played dodgeball in grade school, though.
Dude, I'm lining up to see that movie. I haven't laughed that much at a trailer in years. Ben Stiller I can take or leave, but Vince Vaughn + Steven Root + Rip Torn + Gary Cole all in the same movie == BIG LAFFS.

Crunchy Frog
06-17-2004, 10:05 AM
Dodgeball. I refuse to pay good money to see the horrifically unfunny Ben Stiller. I played dodgeball in grade school, though.Ok, seeing as store-clerk-slacker wants to see this one (I think she's got a thing for Vince Vaughn) I may be able to bend the "must be on DVD or VHS" rule here since I think we're gonna end up seeing it at the theater anyway.

Mind you, I can't pause and rewind the film at the theater, so you won't be getting as in-depth of a review. I also won't be able to see my notepad very well, so there is the possibility of my notes being illegible, but we shall see.

Knowed Out
06-17-2004, 10:19 AM
Missed your Bullet Reviews. Welcome back, bro.

Did you ever review Freddy Got Fingered? If not, how about lining that one up?

Crunchy Frog
06-17-2004, 10:27 AM
Did you ever review Freddy Got Fingered? If not, how about lining that one up?Nope never reviewed that one. That'll go on the list with Glitter, since those aren't new releases, I can get them from slacker's work for free.

FisherQueen
06-17-2004, 04:15 PM
I'm still waiting for your promised review of I Spit On Your Grave. Don't make me come over there.

store-clerk-slacker
06-17-2004, 08:56 PM
I'm still waiting for your promised review of I Spit On Your Grave. Don't make me come over there.


If I remember correctly he actually tried to watch that movie, but his vcr's were trying to eat the tape. I'm assuming it was his machine and not my store's video, but just to make sure, I will have him watch that one here. It may take some time tho, that one is a very popular rental for some reason. I've seen it and I wasn't that impressed.


FTR: All the others requested (except for those still in theaters) he's already made me a list to get from work this weekend.

Morbo
06-17-2004, 09:10 PM
The Princess and the Warrior

I liked Run Lola Run but have heard both positive and negative reviews from my friends about his next one. I guess I could rent it myself, but hey - take a bullet for me!

(I'm reminded of the carfax commercials. "You were....sleeping!")

Ashes, Ashes
06-18-2004, 01:21 AM
No Crunchy, don't do it! Glitter is horrible, much too horrible to watch. I actually like watching bad movies and Glitter defeated me; I could only take ten minutes and then lapsed into a coma. Watch Cabin Boy instead 'cause I'm too embarrassed to rent it and nobody will show it on tv.

Dooku, Run Lola Run is a pretty cool movie.

And what about Dancing in the Dark? One of my friends wants me to watch it, but is it just a depress-o-fest or what?

Zebra
06-18-2004, 01:28 AM
What if I've seen the film, will you still take the bullet because these could pass right through me and into you.


Timeline,
Marci X
The Hunted
The Core
Tomb Raider 2

Crunchy Frog
06-18-2004, 11:46 AM
Wow, getting a good list of new movies. And yes, Fisher Queen, I did try to watch I Spit on Your Grave for you, but my VCR tried to eat it. Since that (along with Freddy Got Fingered) are hold-overs from the original thread of requests, those two get top priority to be watched as soon as I can get my hands on them. In fact, I have no plans for tonight, so I may do one (or two, if I feel masochistist) tonight.

Crunchy Frog
06-18-2004, 11:50 AM
Oh, and just for me so I know what I need to watch...

Timeline
Marci X
The Hunted
The Core
Tomb Raider 2
The Princess and the Warrior
Run Lola Run
Freddy Got Fingered*
Bubba ho Tep
Glitter
The Cat in the Hat
I Spit on Your Grave*


*priority rentals

On a side note, a while back was discussion of the Star Wars Holiday Special and a suggestion of me doing a review on that. I've since lost the emails from people who could get me a copy, so if you know someone or have a copy, please drop me a line so I can share George Lucas's vision with the rest of the Dopers.

hardygrrl
06-18-2004, 01:58 PM
Hmmm...
How about an old WWF/WWE video?



That could be funny. I'm fan and I own a few tapes. Some are actually fun to watch (anything involving Mick Foley) and some are for fans only and even that's pushing it. :D


I'd suggest Best of Raw, volume one - plenty of cheese and even boobies*.


* They highlight Sable's "career" including the infamous bikini contest - she wore a thong bottom and handprints painted on her breasts.

FriarTed
06-18-2004, 03:00 PM
The best bullet review I ever read- Playboy Magazine on The Last Temptation of Christ- Jesus wimped.

My own on The Passion of the Christ (which I did love)- Pulp Gospel.

Morbo
06-18-2004, 08:59 PM
Wow, my other post was unclear - to clarify: I've seen Run Lola Run and enjoyed it; I only need you to see The Princess and the Warrior, the follow-up film from the same director (Tom Tykver).

Tuckerfan
06-19-2004, 12:26 AM
On a side note, a while back was discussion of the Star Wars Holiday Special and a suggestion of me doing a review on that. I've since lost the emails from people who could get me a copy, so if you know someone or have a copy, please drop me a line so I can share George Lucas's vision with the rest of the Dopers.Are you really sure you want to do that? (http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=215821) I might be able to help you out, but I'm not sure what the postal regulations are for shipping hazardous material are.

Ashes, Ashes
06-19-2004, 02:30 AM
Wow, my other post was unclear - to clarify: I've seen Run Lola Run and enjoyed it; I only need you to see The Princess and the Warrior, the follow-up film from the same director (Tom Tykver).

It was clear to me, but my post sure wasn't clear. It was supposed to read something like :Run Lola Run was good and hey! I didn't even know there was a new one out. Gotta stop using invisible ink, I do.

Zebra
06-19-2004, 06:22 PM
OH and another one for you.

Beyond Borders

Munch
06-19-2004, 09:33 PM
I second a review of Timeline, and I'll raise you a Paycheck. Personally, I could give or take Afleck, but I love Uma. I just hate, hate, hate John Woo.

Crunchy Frog
06-20-2004, 11:25 PM
Ok, so Run Lola Run is off the list and I've replaced it with a request for Beyond Borders. And yes, Tuckerfan, I'm sure I want to review the Star Wars Holiday Special.

And with a second request for Timeline, that now becomes a priorty rental.
so, the updated list:

Timeline*
Paycheck
Marci X
The Hunted
The Core
Tomb Raider 2
The Princess and the Warrior
Run Lola Run
Freddy Got Fingered*
Bubba ho Tep
Glitter
The Cat in the Hat
I Spit on Your Grave*

And I have Freddy Got Fingered in the house as we speak, working up the nerve to start watching it. I guess I can go do that right now.

Dammit.

Crunchy Frog
06-24-2004, 06:15 PM
Here's the link to the review of Freddy Got Fingered (http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=263344).

Timeline will most likely be next up.

SolGrundy
06-24-2004, 06:35 PM
But your point: I'll definitely take you up on it. I want to know how Scooby-Doo 2 turned out. I'm ashamed to admit that I didn't completely hate the first one, and there were actually some bits that I laughed at and thought were clever.
What, am I invisible here? Scooby-Doo 2! Get on it!

Crunchy Frog
06-24-2004, 06:45 PM
What, am I invisible here? Scooby-Doo 2! Get on it!From the OP: "The rules are simple: The movies must be available on DVD or VHS. No porn. That's it, the only rules I can think of."

When it's out on DVD (or if slacker's work gets a screener that I can watch) then I'll get to it. In the meantime, it's out of the running. I can't take notes in the theater, or pause or rewind the movie without inconveniencing a lot of other people.

Slainte
06-24-2004, 09:17 PM
May I add Gigli and Swept Away to the list of requests? I'm curious to know if they're really that bad but not curious enough to endure watching them myself.

Thanks.

Crunchy Frog
06-24-2004, 11:03 PM
May I add Gigli and Swept Away to the list of requests? I'm curious to know if they're really that bad but not curious enough to endure watching them myself.
I actually watched Gigli a while back, but lost the notes for the review. I'll see if I can find them (I'm pretty sure they're somewhere in my jungle of a bedroom) and write up an official review. If not, after watching Freggy Got Fingered I can breeze through a second viewing of Gigli.

As for Swept Away, I'll see if I can find it. I like Guy Ritchie (for those who don't know, he's the guy who wrote and directed Lock, Stock, and Two Smoking Barrels and Snatch), but I'd have to watch Madonna act for about 90 minutes or more.

And just for me, here's the updated list:
Timeline*
Paycheck
Marci X
The Hunted
The Core
Tomb Raider 2
The Princess and the Warrior
Run Lola Run
Freddy Got Fingered*
Bubba ho Tep
Glitter
The Cat in the Hat
I Spit on Your Grave*
Swept Away
Gigli

Timeline and I Spit on Your Grave are stil the priorities, since I owe a review for ISOYG from way earlier nad have had more than one request for Timeline.

Gigli may be the next review posted though if I can find my notes.

Hey, It's That Guy!
06-24-2004, 11:38 PM
I second a review of Timeline, and I'll raise you a Paycheck. Personally, I could give or take Afleck, but I love Uma. I just hate, hate, hate John Woo.

Paycheck was merely mediocre, just a by-the-numbers action movie riding on the thinnest of sci-fi plot devices. I'm not much of a Ben Affleck fan, but I'm actually a huge John Woo fan. I realize he hasn't made too many great Hollywood movies (his first, Hard Target with Van Damme, is probably his best), but the man redefined action movies with his Hong Kong films A Better Tomorrow, The Killer, and Hard Boiled--all classics. Not to derail this thread, but why do you hate, hate, hate him so much?

Snickers
06-25-2004, 09:41 AM
Timeline's much the same - merely mediocre. It's got a silly physicist running around saying "That's impossible" to clue the audience into the fact that time travel really might not work scientifically :rolleyes: and some pretty holey plotlines. But it's not bad - it's a good "turn your brain off and watch the pretty pictures" type of movie. Enjoyable enough. Nowhere near Battlefield Earth's purported type of badness.

So, Crunchy, if you're really looking for *bad* movies, you might want to give Timeline a miss - I don't think it qualifies. But watch it iffen ya wanna anyway, 'cuz it's not terrible. Batman and Robin is by far a worse way to spend a couple of hours.

Snicks

Snickers
06-25-2004, 09:44 AM
Oh! Timeline does have Professor Lupin (David Thewlis) and Billy Connelly in it, so that may or may not be a bonus.


Snicks

Snickers
06-25-2004, 09:48 AM
One more - The Core was better than I thought it was going to be, mainly because I was expecting it to be very, very bad. It's also very silly, the science is probably shakier than that in Timeline, and it's formulaic, but it's not too horrible for a popcorn flick.

But it is silly.

Just tryin' to help with your list.


Snicks

Snickers
06-25-2004, 09:51 AM
While I didn't write anything down while watching Timeline, I'd be happy to put together a review (fogged by a coupla week's of haze). Let me know, Crunchy (and others) and I'll get one together.

If you'd rather I didn't ride your coattails, that's cool too.

Snicks

Zebra
06-25-2004, 10:05 AM
Oh, how about New York Minute and Beyond Borders.

Nutty Bunny
06-25-2004, 10:06 AM
Crunchy,

If I were truly mean-spirited (although I have my moments), I would ask you to watch From Justin to Kelly, but I saw about 15 minutes of it last night, on and off for about the first 45 minutes of the movie. I can't imagine any movie in the history of film, being worse than that piece of garbage. It was worse than the 20 minutes of Glitter that I could stand to watch.

In my defense, Dalton Ross dared me to watch it, in the latest edition of Entertainment Weekly, and I can't resist a dare.

If anyone asks you to watch this movie, they're only playing a cruel joke on you. DON'T DO IT!!

DeadlyAccurate
06-25-2004, 10:39 AM
I thought The Core wasn't too bad. Silly and improbable, but certainly not heinous. Or to put it in perspective, it's not any worse than Armageddon.

I've seen The Hunted, if you're referring to the 2003 version. It's just kinda blah. I even had to look it up on IMDB to make sure it was the same movie I was remembering.

Munch
06-25-2004, 11:51 AM
Not to derail this thread, but why do you hate, hate, hate him so much?
Because after the 83rd time, I just kinda got tired of sweat-drenched guys firing two handguns at each other in slow motion while doves flutter by.

Slainte
06-25-2004, 06:05 PM
I actually watched Gigli a while back, but lost the notes for the review. I'll see if I can find them (I'm pretty sure they're somewhere in my jungle of a bedroom) and write up an official review. If not, after watching Freggy Got Fingered I can breeze through a second viewing of Gigli.

As for Swept Away, I'll see if I can find it. I like Guy Ritchie (for those who don't know, he's the guy who wrote and directed Lock, Stock, and Two Smoking Barrels and Snatch), but I'd have to watch Madonna act for about 90 minutes or more.


Many thanks. I look forward to both reviews.

I thought of From Justin to Kelly after I posted, but I figured that would be too cruel.

Guinastasia
06-25-2004, 07:23 PM
What about Made for TV if they're available on video? (I can't bring myself to watch Jennifer Love Screwitt in The Audrey Hepburn Story).

Crunchy Frog
06-25-2004, 07:31 PM
What about Made for TV if they're available on video? (I can't bring myself to watch Jennifer Love Screwitt in The Audrey Hepburn Story).
TV movies count, as long as I can find it on video.

Typo Negative
06-26-2004, 10:53 PM
OK, now you got me hooked on these things, you bastard!!


When's the next one??? I NEED MY FIX!!!

(ps, I already read the Freddy got fingered one)

Guinastasia
06-26-2004, 11:05 PM
TV movies count, as long as I can find it on video.

Oh it's on video, all right. The Audrey Hepburn Story.

robgruver
06-27-2004, 02:21 PM
How about "Psycho: The Remake"?

Outside of that, how about "Dead Man" or "Charlies Angels 2".

*gags*

Tuckerfan
06-27-2004, 02:50 PM
Viking Massacre
Monster Dog

Typo Negative
07-02-2004, 06:12 AM
How about Ghost Dog: Way of the Samuri.

Lot's of people say it was great. I started looking at my watch 20 minutes in.

Wolfian
07-02-2004, 05:48 PM
After reading your Crossroads review I have to reccommend Blue Crush. Hot actress. Horrible film.

Zebra
07-06-2004, 11:37 AM
Extreme Ops


I was forced to watch this. Somebody needs to warn the world about it.

Maus Magill
07-06-2004, 11:41 AM
How about The Butterfly Effect?

The best review for it I read started with "Well, at least it wasn't Gigli."

Crunchy Frog
07-13-2004, 11:25 AM
Ok, I'm back from my trip to Florida and ready to watch more movies now that all the salt water has washed the taste of Freddy got Fingered from my mouth. The jellyfish stings also helped burn away the contamination that was Tom Green.

I'm gonna try to pick one up today and have another review by the end of the week. Snickers has seen Timeline and is ready to write that one up, so I'll let him/her do it if the interest is still there. So that movie probably won't be the one I watch. I'm just taking my laptop to store-cler-slacker's work with me and go through the list and grab a couple movies that we can take home for free (meaning no new releases).

Here's the list I have so far to take with me to the video store:

Timeline*
Paycheck
Marci X
The Hunted
The Core
Tomb Raider 2
The Princess and the Warrior
Run Lola Run
Bubba ho Tep
Glitter
The Cat in the Hat
I Spit on Your Grave*
Swept Away
Gigli
New York Minute (is this the Olsen twins movie? Is it on video yet?)
Beyond Borders
From Justin to Kelly
Psycho: The Remake
Charlie's Angels 2
Viking Massacre
Monster Dog
Ghost Dog: Way of the Samurai
Extreme Ops
The Butterfly Effect
Blue Crush

Tuckerfan
08-09-2004, 09:15 PM
The Corey Haim Video Diary. (http://www.x-entertainment.com/messages/251.html)

DeadlyAccurate
08-10-2004, 08:36 AM
Ok, I'm back from my trip to Florida and ready to watch more movies now that all the salt water has washed the taste of Freddy got Fingered from my mouth. The jellyfish stings also helped burn away the contamination that was Tom Green.

I'm gonna try to pick one up today and have another review by the end of the week. Snickers has seen Timeline and is ready to write that one up, so I'll let him/her do it if the interest is still there. So that movie probably won't be the one I watch. I'm just taking my laptop to store-cler-slacker's work with me and go through the list and grab a couple movies that we can take home for free (meaning no new releases).

Here's the list I have so far to take with me to the video store:

Timeline*
Paycheck
Marci X
The Hunted
The Core
Tomb Raider 2
The Princess and the Warrior
Run Lola Run
Bubba ho Tep
Glitter
The Cat in the Hat
I Spit on Your Grave*
Swept Away
Gigli
New York Minute (is this the Olsen twins movie? Is it on video yet?)
Beyond Borders
From Justin to Kelly
Psycho: The Remake
Charlie's Angels 2
Viking Massacre
Monster Dog
Ghost Dog: Way of the Samurai
Extreme Ops
The Butterfly Effect
Blue Crush

I actually liked Paycheck. Enough to watch it again some day and possibly buy it if it's cheap. I would love to see your review of Charlie's Angels 2, even though I've seen the movie. Timeline and Blue Crush are just sort of...there. Neither are particularly memorable.

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