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Reeder
04-06-2005, 08:17 PM
And I ain't kidding.

I'm not talking major releases here. I'm talking movies you wonder how the hell they ever got released period.

My first nomination...

Cornman...That's right Cornman.

I just picked up this little 4 movie set called Rural Folk. It contains..Cornman, Dogs in Quicksand, Inbred Rednecks and Super Badass.

The Gist of Cornman...Toxic waste in a cornfield. Cornman gets splashed and become gets the ability to communicate with corn.

The Players..

Butter boy..Cornmans sidekick.

Dr Hoe..The bad guy..He has a hoe as his right hand.

Waxy...Dr Hoe's henchwoman..She decapitates people with her thighs.

Cornsparagus..Dr Hoe's monstrosity.

Dr Hoe's minions...these are the only smart people in the movie. They wear kerchiefs around their faces so you can't recognize them.

The lead actor changes in the middle. I couldn't determine if it was a plot device or the first actor just got tired of this drivel.

It's actually fun to watch.

I can't wait for the rest of the movies!


http://imdb.com/title/tt0295206/..It actually gets rated!

You have any to add?

Reeder
04-06-2005, 08:20 PM
I'm sorry guys and gals. I misclicked. Could this be moved to where it belongs?

Many thanks.

Jeep's Phoenix
04-06-2005, 08:25 PM
Does it still count if it's been on Mystery Science Theater?

jimpatro
04-06-2005, 09:05 PM
Feeders. Absolutely the worst. Finally found it at Amazon. In a few days I'll be in heaven. Bad acting, direction and non-SpecialFX. Like scratching an itch, ecstacy.

jimpatro
04-06-2005, 09:07 PM
Hmm...Rhymes with Reeder(s). :dubious:

Eve
04-06-2005, 10:05 PM
The horror that is Kiss (http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=17819&highlight=Stritch) Her Goodbye (http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=17878&highlight=Stritch).

Czarcasm
04-06-2005, 10:24 PM
Moving this from IMHO to Cafe Society.

Oregon sunshine
04-06-2005, 10:53 PM
Just a casual search on IMDB reveals more weird, campy movies all starring or worked on by the same bunch of people as cornman... Prison A-Go-Go (http://imdb.com/title/tt0339534/), Zombie Campout (http://imdb.com/title/tt0350370/)

etc...

SandyHook
04-06-2005, 11:02 PM
It's hard to get much worse, and this is a movie that was meant to be taken seriously (I think, who knows) than Billy Jack.

Nightwatch Trailer
04-06-2005, 11:08 PM
I haven't seen the other movies in this thread, but if there is a film out there that's worse than Ankle Biters (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0344843/), I'd be amazed.

Only Mostly Dead
04-06-2005, 11:32 PM
Only Mostly Missus thought it would be HIGH-larious to give me a gag gift two Christmases ago (thankfully along with real gifts): Santa Claus Conquers the Martians (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0058548/). Not the MST3K dubbed movie, but the honest-to-Og original.

Things may have been fine if we'd just laughed at the gag gift and I tossed it in a junk drawer (or the garbage). But I kept it around, and a week or two later, we were bored enough to watch it. Now we keep it to torture friends around Christmastime as we both mysteriously need to leave the room on various errands and emergencies for the entire 81 minutes it takes to show. We plan to do the same to our kids one day (assuming by that time in the not-near future we still have a functioning VCR to play the tape). I really hope the kids don't actually LIKE it.

CalMeacham
04-06-2005, 11:41 PM
I saw a film on TV called Tales rom the Past. It's listed on the IMDB as Dr. Terror's Gallery of Horrors (Not to be confused with Dr. Terror's House of Horrors, which is actually a decent flick*). http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0348672/

John Carradine and Lon Chaney Jr., fer cryin' out loud, in an anthology of "horror" stories that are badly plotted, badly acted, and with "twist" endings you can see from a mile away. The best parts of this film are the shots lifted intact from Roger Corman's The Raven (and already re-used by Corman in The Terror)





(*Dr. Terror's House of Horrors:

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0059125/

vidently there's a 1943 anthology film of the same name, which I've never seen.)

Suburban Plankton
04-07-2005, 12:05 AM
Plan 9 From Outer Space (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0052077/)

So bad, it's...really, really bad.

RickJay
04-07-2005, 12:06 AM
Assuming we are only talking about real movies, e.g. made by professionals and released in theatres - by which standard the oft-cited "Manos: The Hands of Fate" does not qualify, and I'm not sure "Zombie Campout" does, either - the worst I've ever seen, far and away, is "Highlander II: The Quickening."

I don't really know how it could be possible to make a worse movie.

"Highlander II" attains, if that's the right word, a nadir of suckitude that, prior to seeing it, I would not have imagined possible. Actually, COULDN'T have imagined possible; the level of its putridness went beyond the conceivable parameters of cinema suckosity, and its suckitude seeped into all that surrounded it. It made other movies showing at the multiplex at the same time worse than they otherwise would have been, just by its proximity. It made me a worse person for having watched it. It despoiled the very money with which I paid for the horror of seeing it, currency that I am sure was eternally cursed by association, and which doubtlessly brought misfortune and suffering to all who handled it from that day forward.

As a matter of fact, the multiplex it was shown it ended up going out of business, the only modern multiplex I've ever heard of that did that. Coincidence? Not a chance, Vance. "Highlander II" was like a infectious disease, an E. cinema, a sort of supernatural rot. It hurt the soul. It made the baby Jesus cry. It made the babies Buddha, Mohammed, and Cthlulu cry. The very force of its suckness was beyond the measuring capacity of any scientific instrument designed by man.

I could explain why it sucked, but really, there isn't enough time in my life to do so. Every scene, every word, every shot, ever single frame sucked, but more than sucking individually, they combined in sucking ways to attain a perfect synchronicity of suck. I can't describe how bad it was; there aren't words that would do the job. I would tell you that you should watch it to see how bad it was, but no, you really shouldn't. I don't hate anyone that much.

vivalostwages
04-07-2005, 12:57 AM
Plan 9 From Outer Space (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0052077/)

So bad, it's...really, really bad.

Glen or Glenda is almost as bad. Practically unwatchable.

The Scrivener
04-07-2005, 01:47 AM
Have you noticed that even TBS and the USA network rarely play Speed 2?

I tried watching Wet Hot American Summer this past weekend. Boy, did that suck. The problem wasn't that it was stupid and formulaic in a jiggly way: I was expecting, even hoping, for that kind of formula. Nope, it actually tried to do something with the genre, but it was so dull, uninspired, and poorly written, I couldn't believe it.

Askance
04-07-2005, 02:18 AM
it made the baby Cthlulu cry

The Saucy Liverpool Lass Who Is Really The Terror Of The Deep? The horror!

Now that would be a great bad movie.

FriarTed
04-07-2005, 02:52 AM
Last week I saw the worst Christian movie ever-

"a bad Christian movie! Why so shocked? aren't most of them?"

Well, kinda, but this was the worst-

DARK HEAVEN

a mix of 28 DAYS LATER, LEFT BEHIND and JACOB'S LADDER -

a police officer awakens in an almost deserted world, encountering a deranged priest, a repentant criminal, a metallic angel, static-faced cloaked demons, and occasional zomboids with Eye-In-Triangle 666 Marks- he flashbacks to his loving & religious wife, her dying in childbirth, and his lying in the hospital with a bullet wound in his head- he struggled to get into this church & to figure out from the Bible what's happening.

You can almost figure out the end from here.

Now for the worst part (except for the brief male full monty- Yes, you read that right- in a Christian movie)-

the worst part isn't that the movie was preachy.

the worst part is that the movie was so NON-preachy, it had nothing to say.

No, apparently the filmmakers wanted their message of faith & redemption to be subtle & symbolic so that an obsession with getting into a church & reading the Bible replaced a real trusting of God/JC.

And that is why this movie was.....


wait for it....


WORSE THAN THE OMEGA CODE!!!

The horror! The horror!

Terrifel
04-07-2005, 05:08 AM
For a combination of snuff-porn loathsomeness and sheer relentless dumbness, it's hard to beat The Hollow Man starring Kevin Bacon. From first scene to last, a movie that doesn't merely insult the intelligence of the viewer, but actually seeks to crawl in through your eyes, knock your brain down and sit on it. This movie hates you. You won't be able to shower enough after having watched it.

Marlitharn
04-07-2005, 05:11 AM
I give you The Item. (http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=186842)

And no, I never have finished watching it. You can't make me.

Odesio
04-07-2005, 06:36 AM
In recent years Resident Evil 2 and Cabin Fever have replaced Wing Commader as the standard by which I measure all bad movies.

Marc

BrotherCadfael
04-07-2005, 07:00 AM
I give you...

The Giant Spider Invasion

Scissorjack
04-07-2005, 07:21 AM
Very Bad Things has been cited before, and it'll be cited again: a truly vile, abhorrent piece of cinema. What makes it even worse is that whoever released it presumably though that it was funny.

BabaBooey
04-07-2005, 08:06 AM
Of the 50 or so MST3K episodes I've seen, The Beast of Yucca Flats has been by far the most unwatchable of the bunch. I mean, Space Mutiny and Manos are horrible films, but like Ed Wood films they are easiy to enjoy if you're in a mocking mood. They are films I could enjoy without Jike and the bots. But The BoYF, however, is basically a story about absolutely nothing and told in the most annoying fashion I've ever seen on film.

BMalion
04-07-2005, 08:32 AM
The Postman, comes to mind.

Marley23
04-07-2005, 09:10 AM
One of the worst I've seen is the 1978 Michael Caine "starrer" The Swarm (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0078350/combined). Scientists Caine and Henry Fonda try and help save America from a huge, ravenous swarm of bees, which may kill lots of innocent townsfolk like Olivia de Havilland. It's very very bad, and it's WAY too long - 2 1/2 hours.

The Star Wars-wannabe Message from Space (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0078435/combined) - what was it about 1978? - was also awful.

But I've never sat through anything as painful as the soul-shredding terror that is Can Heironymus Merkin Ever Forget Mercy Humppe and Find True Happiness? (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0064123/combined) It's pretentious, it's terrible. It's a musical starring Anthony Newley, and it has Milton Berle and Joan Collins.

Snickers
04-07-2005, 09:12 AM
Feeders. Absolutely the worst. Finally found it at Amazon. In a few days I'll be in heaven. Bad acting, direction and non-SpecialFX. Like scratching an itch, ecstacy.

No way. Someone besides me, my sister, and husband (his rental choice - and a bad one, at that) has seen this?! I'm floored.

jimpatro's right: it's awful. But the best parts are when the actors struggle with the alien puppets. No only do the alien puppets look like they're made from paper mache, you can see how the actors are holding the aliens up to their necks or whatnot to make it look like they're attacking. My one-year-old niece has better attack scenes.

It's a riot.

One And Only Wanderers
04-07-2005, 09:20 AM
What, no mention of Clan of the Cave Bear (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0090848/) yet?

dasgupta
04-07-2005, 09:31 AM
I'm sorry, folk, I believe you've forgotten Tourist Trap (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0080040/), starring the great Chuck Conners.

It's a bad cross between Psycho and the Texas Chainsaw Masacre. How the rubes at IMDb gave it a 4.9 is beyond me. But I will say it's (unintentionally) funny. My friends and I used to break it out every so often for a good laugh.

Carry on...

RealityChuck
04-07-2005, 09:56 AM
Battlefield Earth made Plan 9 seem well written. Everything about it was gloriously awful and all the plot points were preposterous. And it is a blueprint for how to badly overact and how not to direct a scene. Only a brainwashed member of a bizaare cult could see anything good in it.

Oh, wait a minute :smack: . . . . that was its target audience!

twickster
04-07-2005, 10:13 AM
Glen or Glenda is almost as bad. Practically unwatchable.

Oh, c'mon, that whole hallucination scene in the middle -- "Bevare, bevare" -- it's, um, practically unwatchable.

twicks, who owns a copy ;)

CandidGamera
04-07-2005, 10:15 AM
Da Hip-Hop Witch.

Watch it and know that I am right.

detop
04-07-2005, 10:17 AM
Freddy Got Fingered. I saw it a couple of years ago and I've been scrubbing my brain with steel wool ever since to erase its memory.

tdn
04-07-2005, 10:38 AM
Let's not even mention anything with "Count Yorga" in the title.

You'd think that a movie with Vincent Price and Frankie Avalon about an evil scientist who creates bikini-clad robots who charm men out of their money would be Quality Cinema. And yet, strangley, I couldn't even get more than 20 minutes into Dr. Goldfoot and the Bikini Machine.

The Yin and Yang of Mr. Go was equally as hideous.

And yet they are all the apex of Quality Cinema compared to Wagner. I challenge any Doper to get through the first three hours of that dreck.

HPL
04-07-2005, 10:44 AM
Glen or Glenda is almost as bad. Practically unwatchable.

Well, there is some bizarre entertainment value to Bela Legosi popping up at random and spouting incredibly bizarre lines with no context in the midst of a story about transvestites.

"Puppy dog tails, and big ugly snails...........PULL THE STRINGS!"

Quercus
04-07-2005, 10:48 AM
Well, there's some sub-category that accounts for the quantity of media coverage for the movie in some kind of maximum suckitude times coverage factor.

Maybe not the winner, but at least a contender is of course everybody's favorite Bennifer swan-song about a lesbian hit-woman who falls in love with a man, "Gigli".

That's what I gathered it was about from the media, anyway, I didn't actually watch enough to discover if that was the plot. If true, of course, the plot puts it in contention already. But man, is it bad! It was on cable the other day and after accidentally clicking on it, it turned into an endurance contest between the two of us watching -- who will crack first and beg for it to be turned off?

I think it lasted 45 seconds or so. Well, actually a couple minutes, but I'm not counting the time that Al Pacino was on. I'm not sure if it was really Ben Affleck, or just a propped-up dummy. J-Lo did, in fact, move and speak, but not actually act. I'm not sure if she hadn't read the script, or maybe she thought she was just doing a technical walk-through and didn't realize this was the actual take.

HPL
04-07-2005, 10:57 AM
At a horror film fest once, I saw "Dark Heirtage". It was an uncredited adapation of Lovecraft's "The Lurking Fear".

The problem is: It sucks in every way imaginable.

It's made in 1989, but looks like it was made in the early 1970's. The actors aren't even good enough to be B actors, but are down on the C Tier. It's almost as if the director recruited his actors from gas station attendents. The characters are brain-dead, the pacing is slow, and there are numerous plot holes.

And there's a "twist" ending, that makes no sense at all and wasn't in the original story.(Lovecraft liked "Twist" endings, but he never wrote one that bad).

Marley23
04-07-2005, 11:06 AM
The problem wasn't that it was stupid and formulaic in a jiggly way: I was expecting, even hoping, for that kind of formula. Nope, it actually tried to do something with the genre, but it was so dull, uninspired, and poorly written, I couldn't believe it.
If you were actually expecting it to be an 1980s-style summer camp movie instead of a parody of 1980s-style summer camp movies, which is what Wet Hot was, I can see being disappointed. I thought it was very funny, but taste is in the eye of the whatever whatever whatever... anyway, "boy did that suck" does not compare with the "AAAAAGH, MY EYES!" reaction some of these other movies inspire.

Anybody here ever see The Lonely Lady?

Happy Scrappy Hero Pup
04-07-2005, 11:20 AM
OK, Case Sensitive, I have to disagree with you. "Very Bad Things" was hilarious. I can never keep a straight face watching it.


A bad movie is something like The Terror of Tiny Town. (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0030845/)



I dare you. I dare you. You'll be begging for VBT when this movie is over.

Eve
04-07-2005, 11:42 AM
Well, there is some bizarre entertainment value to Bela Legosi popping up at random and spouting incredibly bizarre lines with no context in the midst of a story about transvestites.

"Puppy dog tails, and big ugly snails...........PULL THE STRINGS!"

The weird thing about Glen or Glenda is that—as hilariously awful as it is—it's also the only film (to this day!)—that accurately and sympathetically explains the difference between homosexuals, transvestites and transsexuals.

Agrippina
04-07-2005, 11:53 AM
The 1998 version of Godzilla. One of the worst parts was the "Jurassic Park" rip-off with all of Godzilla's hatchlings chasing Our Heroes (and I use that term loosely) around Madison Square Garden ala the velociraptors.

Marley23
04-07-2005, 12:06 PM
The weird thing about Glen or Glenda is that—as hilariously awful as it is—it's also the only film (to this day!)—that accurately and sympathetically explains the difference between homosexuals, transvestites and transsexuals.
You'd think the homosexuals running Hollywood would like to clear up the confusion instead of mucking it up further. :rolleyes:

Clothahump
04-07-2005, 12:19 PM
It made the baby Jesus cry. It made the babies Buddha, Mohammed, and Cthlulu cry.

You forgot baby OG!

Glassy
04-07-2005, 12:39 PM
I give you The Item. (http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=186842)



I was going to nominate Radioactive Dreams, which is about a couple of boys who spend World War III in a fallout shelter, reading Mickey Spillane novels, and when they emerge into the Mad-Max-like post-nuclear wasteland they talk like Bogart and wear fedoras and things. That could be amusing, except that it wasn't. It takes itself very seriously and seems to be trying to say something important about, well I don't actually know what it's trying to say, but it wants you to pay attention and not laugh.

But then I read the thread about The Item. I haven't seen it, but I think it trumps Radioactive Dreams.

Which is still really bad, though.

Ghanima
04-07-2005, 12:42 PM
Satisfaction (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0096037/) with Justine Bateman is pretty horrible. We walked out of the theater on that one.

From imdb: "Satisfaction is a movie about five teenagers who have a band called Mystery. Justine Bateman plays the leading singer of the band called Jennie Lee."

You can sense the riveting plot from these few lines.

tdn
04-07-2005, 12:46 PM
I would be remiss if I didn't include Cool World an utterly forgettable dark clone of Roger Rabbit. It starred some unknown non-actor Val Kilmer Wannabe. I can't remember his name. Chad Bitt, or Tad Zitt, or Bad Titt or something like that. Whatever.

Marley23
04-07-2005, 12:52 PM
You forgot baby OG!
OG NO CRY! OG SMASH!

kelly5078
04-07-2005, 01:05 PM
Stories from the Second Floor gets my vote. Although, because of my jones for Zhang Ziyi, I just watched one called Purple Butterfly, which is just about as bad.

BTW, I love Plan 9, especially the way they got rid of Bela Lugosi (hit by a car off-camera; all you hear is a squeal of tires and a scream).

supervenusfreak
04-07-2005, 01:09 PM
I have said it before, and I will say it again........."Satan's Cheerleaders" (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0076665/).

Jeep's Phoenix
04-07-2005, 02:12 PM
What, no mention of Clan of the Cave Bear (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0090848/) yet?
I saw this on the Sci-Fi channel once. There wasn't anything to point and laugh at, and there certainly wasn't anything present to make up for that. The result was a completely wasted afternoon.

I've actually managed to avoid the most "popular" bad movies in this thread. Hmm.

Exapno Mapcase
04-07-2005, 02:23 PM
It took some searching at IMDb to come up with a title I've long suppressed, but I finally managed to locate Wild in the Streets (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0063808/).

Max Flatow is a precocious, social miscreant who has a way with home-made explosives. When he tires of these, he runs away from home only to emerge seven years later as Max Frost, the world's most popular entertainer. When Congressman John Fergus uses Frost as a political ploy to gain the youth vote in his run for the Senate, Frost wills himself into the system, gaining new rights for the young. Eventually, Frost runs for the presidency. Winning in a landslide, he issues his first presidential edict: All oldsters are required to live in "retirement homes" where they are forced to ingest LSD, taking the 60s catch phrase "Never trust anyone over 30" to its most extreme consequences.

I know that it gets many positive reviews over there, but believe me, I was exactly the right age to see it when it first came out and even then I remember thinking it was a candidate for the worst film ever.

Gatopescado
04-07-2005, 02:27 PM
I've said it before, and I'll say it again:

Blair Witch Project.


I want my money back!! :mad:

rorty
04-07-2005, 02:28 PM
Yor, the Hunter from the Future (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0084935/)

I caught this stinker on Sci-Fi around 3:00AM a couple years back. It's absolutely the worst film I've ever seen. Everything about it is bad. Let’s run down the list:

Plot advanced by completely random and illogical happenings. Check.
An extremely blonde, buff, and dumb hero wearing a loin-cloth. Check.
Cavemen fighting papier-mâché dinosaurs. Check.
Straight-outta-the-80s cheese rock soundtrack. Check.
Spaceships, androids, and lasers, oh my! Check.
A most ineffective Evil Overlord. Check.

Never in my life have I laughed so hard because of a film. I was literally in tears the entire time. I'm currently trying to buy it on VHS, but it's a hard one to find.

JSexton
04-07-2005, 06:19 PM
Blair Witch Project.

There were two ways to see Blair Witch. I saw it the night it came out, when rumors were still flying around that it was pieced together using found footage, and the back story is real. There is nothing explicitly supernatural in the film to make it obviously fake. In the theater that night, I was terrified. Easily the most scared I've ever been in a movie.

When I rented it later, I was incredibly disappointed. Not just in the transition from theater to home, but in the inability to suspend disbelief.

It does fail as a movie. But as an experience when it was unknown, it was amazing.

End hijack.

Odinoneeye
04-07-2005, 06:29 PM
There were two ways to see Blair Witch. I saw it the night it came out, when rumors were still flying around that it was pieced together using found footage, and the back story is real. There is nothing explicitly supernatural in the film to make it obviously fake. In the theater that night, I was terrified. Easily the most scared I've ever been in a movie.

When I rented it later, I was incredibly disappointed. Not just in the transition from theater to home, but in the inability to suspend disbelief.

It does fail as a movie. But as an experience when it was unknown, it was amazing.

End hijack.

My ex saw it in the theater and loved it. When we rented it, I was so bored I sat twiddling my thumbs.

The thing was, when the posters first came out, I noticed they didn't say anything like "A true story" or anything like that and I figured they would have if it was. So I kind of figured it was a fake from the beginning. Probably why I didn't see it in the theaters.

Most movies you need a certain mindset for. This is one of the extreme cases of that.

Queen Bruin
04-07-2005, 06:47 PM
Death Race 2000 (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0072856/) is pretty damn bad. Starring Sylvester Stallone and *drumroll* David Carradine. My God how I hate David Carradine. You can catch it once in a while on AMC at about 4 am. That's how I found it.

Hamish
04-07-2005, 06:55 PM
Why am I always the first person in these threads to bring up Boxing Helena? That stuff makes Ed Wood look like great art!

First it's a really badly-executed feminist piece! Then it's a really badly-executed psychological profile of a prisoner falling in love with their captor! Then cue the soft-core porn while a legless, armless woman falls in love with the crazy doctor who sawed off all her limbs! Throw in some guys with guns for good measure, and then it turns out it was all just a dream.

No wonder Kim Basinger gave up half her fortune to get out of that film. Bleagh.

Recently, in my Sir Gawain class, I heard about Sword of the Valiant, a horrible adaptation of the Green Knight story. Apparently, Connery is wearing Green Armour that completely covers him except for a square at his chest that exposes his chest hair...

vibrotronica
04-07-2005, 06:56 PM
Carrie Fisher + Chevy Chase + several dozen midgets + a metric shitload of cocaine = Under the Rainbow (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0083254/?fr=c2l0ZT1kZnxteD0yMHxsbT01MDB8dHQ9b258ZmI9dXxwbj0wfHE9dW5kZXIgdGhlIHJhaW5ib3d8aHRtbD0xfG5tPW9u;fc= 1;ft=21;fm=1).

medstar
04-07-2005, 08:45 PM
Hey! Please don't let me be the only Doper who paid good money to see silver lame' jumpsuited, headband wearing Barry Bostwick and Michael Beck in "Megaforce"! Even at the tender age of 13 or thereabouts, I knew this was a lame movie, not worth the price of the film it was printed on.

Kythereia
04-07-2005, 08:51 PM
Lord of the Rings.

Not the Peter Jackson version--that goes in my list of "Best movies of all time".

No, folks...



The Ralph Bakshi version.

*shudder*

Reeder
04-07-2005, 08:55 PM
All of these movie are well and good.

But I'm striving for a lower level.

No stars..no name directors.

Just trash you have found on video that just not belong there.

And I'm not talking your home movies either..:)

Marley23
04-07-2005, 10:11 PM
But I'm striving for a lower level.
None exists.

You're correct that there's a difference between a movie you hated and a movie that is truly god-awful. In a really wretched movie, one that's hard to even laugh at sometimes, there's a quality of total incompetence that makes you wonder how these people were given the equipment to make a movie in the first place, and why they thought anybody would ever want to see this finished product. I promise the movies I mentioned (and at least some of the others) meet those criteria.

Zap_Rowsdower
04-07-2005, 10:11 PM
Axe 'Em

You can hardly hear anything anyone says. Though that might be a good thing.

Walloon
04-07-2005, 10:37 PM
If you were actually expecting it to be an 1980s-style summer camp movie instead of a parody of 1980s-style summer camp movies, which is what Wet Hot wasWell, I was expecting a parody of Meatballs-type summer movies. But sometimes parodies are good and sometimes they're bad. Wet Hot was lamely done parody, the worst movie I saw that year.

Walloon
04-07-2005, 10:47 PM
A bad movie is something like The Terror of Tiny Town. (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0030845/)I've seen this, on a big screen, no less. The novelty is a western populated entirely by little people. Once that odd proposition becomes familiar after the first reel, bordeom sets in when you realize it's much like every other low-budget western that the poverty row studios churned out at the time. A good "bad" movie has to be entertaining, and this was just tedious.

Loopydude
04-07-2005, 10:58 PM
I give you:

The Ice Pirates (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0087451/)

I saw this when I was a kid and I thought it sucked even then. I don't think I ever saw a movie try so hard to be funny while being exactly the opposite. I remember my Dad driving me home from the theater, and I was actually indignant. How could anybody make such a rotten excuse for a movie, anyway? It dawned on me even then: They're playing on our jones for Star Wars to sell us CRAP! It's a scam!

It's like the movie gods came up with Spaceballs to right some cosmic wrong in sci-fi spoofedom created by this movie.

RobuSensei
04-07-2005, 11:09 PM
Ladies and gentlemen, I give you The House of Usher (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0095332/?fr=c2l0ZT1kZnxteD0yMHxsbT01MDB8dHQ9b258ZmI9dXxwbj0wfHE9ZmFsbCBvZiB0aGUgaG91c2Ugb2YgdXNoZXJ8aHRtbD0x fG5tPW9u;fc=5;ft=20;fm=1). No, not the 1960 Vincent Price House of Usher; this is the 1980's "remake."

I can't remember where I watched it. I can't remember why I watched it. I wish I didn't remember watching it. I do remember that the "twist" ending pissed me off more than any other lame ending has, before or since.

Rick
04-08-2005, 01:19 AM
Hey! Please don't let me be the only Doper who paid good money to see silver lame' jumpsuited, headband wearing Barry Bostwick and Michael Beck in "Megaforce"! Even at the tender age of 13 or thereabouts, I knew this was a lame movie, not worth the price of the film it was printed on.
Deeds not words
Nope you aren't the only one.
My contribution is The Hotel New Hampshire. No plot that I could detect.

Marley23
04-08-2005, 01:39 AM
I give you:

The Ice Pirates (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0087451/)
I've seen it and you couldn't make me take it. ;)

Leviosaurus
04-08-2005, 03:00 AM
Depressing how many of these I've seen, and how many I've actually enjoyed on some level.

But none hit the depths of Leonard Part 6 (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0093405/). I'd rather watch Highlander II twice before seeing LP6 again. I don't blame the rest of you for blocking it from your memory.

Special mention: A Life Less Ordinary (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0119535/#comment).

Tuckerfan
04-08-2005, 03:31 AM
Some of the bombs I've seen or at least seen parts of:
Monster Dog: Alice Cooper's first, and possibly only, movie
Viking Massacre: An Italian film featuring Vikings with blonde hair and dark roots
Hell Comes to Toad Town: It stars Rowdy Roddy Piper. 'Nuff said.
Laserblast: An incomprehensible film about a teenage kid who finds an alien weapon and uses it to, uh, I'm not sure.
Hanger 18: This is where all the "Area 51 has alien bodies" stories got their start.

Battle Pope
04-08-2005, 05:17 AM
Zombie Lake (http://www.jabootu.com/zomlake.htm) - The kind of film that you would use in "Clockwork Orange" style aversion therapy to stop people going to the movies.

The Untold (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0265944/) aka Sasquatch - Lance Henriksen out for a paycheck.

Daylon
04-08-2005, 05:52 AM
Barring movies that were INTENDED in some regard to be "bad" (i.e. evil dead, army of darkness, attack of the killer tomatoes)

My vote for an all time horrible movie is Soldier with Kurt Russel, following that are any of the Police Academy movies, and maybe The Wraith (older movie with Charlie SHeen)

Just my two cents..

Daylon

And I ain't kidding.

I'm not talking major releases here. I'm talking movies you wonder how the hell they ever got released period.

My first nomination...

Cornman...That's right Cornman.

I just picked up this little 4 movie set called Rural Folk. It contains..Cornman, Dogs in Quicksand, Inbred Rednecks and Super Badass.

The Gist of Cornman...Toxic waste in a cornfield. Cornman gets splashed and become gets the ability to communicate with corn.

The Players..

Butter boy..Cornmans sidekick.

Dr Hoe..The bad guy..He has a hoe as his right hand.

Waxy...Dr Hoe's henchwoman..She decapitates people with her thighs.

Cornsparagus..Dr Hoe's monstrosity.

Dr Hoe's minions...these are the only smart people in the movie. They wear kerchiefs around their faces so you can't recognize them.

The lead actor changes in the middle. I couldn't determine if it was a plot device or the first actor just got tired of this drivel.

It's actually fun to watch.

I can't wait for the rest of the movies!


http://imdb.com/title/tt0295206/..It actually gets rated!

You have any to add?

CandidGamera
04-08-2005, 08:35 AM
I like Leonard Part 6. It's just so surreal. And the parts of Ice Pirates I've seen, I liked.

I swear to you, people, it's Da Hip Hop Witch. Go. Watch. It is a Blair-Witch Ripoff, about a witch who apparently hunts Hip-Hop stars - giving the filmmaker an excuse to film cameos with a number of names - wrapped with the flimsiest and hokiest excuse for a plot, ever.

Eolbo
04-08-2005, 09:18 AM
Well my eyes bled while watching Mimic and I prayed for death during Highlander II but for a couple of years now I have thought the very, very, very worst film of all time, a film so utterly foul and wretched that all involved should be spanked, made to apologise and then hung from lampposts as an example to other film-makers is none other then the remake of Rollerball (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0246894/).

But entirely unexpectedly a worthy contender for such infamy came to my attention and tortured my aching eyes. Truly this 'movie' plumbs the very depths and redefines the meaning of ghastliness. I refer to none other then Megiddo: The Omega Code 2 (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0263728/). Jesus wept!

CalMeacham
04-08-2005, 09:36 AM
I don't think most of these films can compete with ones like my suggestion, Tales from the Past. Most of the flicks on this thread have good production values -- they're technically well-made, despite the awful writing and performances. A lot of them were actually shown in big theaters, and had advertising, and all. But TFTP fails on all counts -- not only are the writing, acting, and directing incredibly awful (really awful, not "I think it could be done better" awful), but the film looks dark and muddy, the colors badly muted, the sound quality terrible. I've shown Megaforce and Ice Pirates and even Plan 9 from Outer Space at my annual Bad Film Festivasls, because they're entertainingly bad. But TFTP is just painful to watch.


Along these lines, consider The Prehistoric Sound: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0058601/ The premise is that a bunch of folks open up a cave and release an imprisoned dionosaur. But they didn't have much of a budget, so the dinosaur is invisible!! This film features the worst invisibility effects you've ever seen.



Or The Unknown Terror, in which a mad scientist creates a fungus that runs rampant in caves in a jungle. The fungus is played by soap bubbles, and looks kinda fun, in fact. As if hey invented the bubble rave a couple of decades too early. http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0051137/

Or Larry Buchanan's really awful remakes of movies that were grade Z to begin with. The remakes have even lower technical qualities than the originals:

Creature of Destruction http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0061529/ (remake of The She Creature)

Invasion of the Eye Creatures (as seen on MST3K) http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0059161/ (remake of the not-too-bad Invasion of the Saucer Men)

Zontar, the Thing from Venus http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0061217/ (Remake of [B]It Conquered the World, although with a cooler title).

BMalion
04-08-2005, 09:36 AM
I've got to point out, with all due respect Reeder, that any one of us could max out our credit cards and make drek like Cornman or Manos, the Hands of Fate, but it takes a special skill to assemble millions of dollars and a very popular movie star like Kevin Costner and make both Waterworld and then The Postman. Now that guy deserves his own special oscar, one that's been smashed up with a hammer and covered in tar and feathers.

SnakesCatLady
04-08-2005, 09:56 AM
"Kiss of the Tarantula." Filmed in Columbus, GA - Mr SCL was in it - he's a great guy but this movie is sooooooooo bad he will hardly admit to it. The local film society had a screening of it a few years ago and he refused to attend. I really don't blame him - we all do things when were are young that we regret later!

Hey, It's That Guy!
04-08-2005, 09:56 AM
Hell Comes to Toad Town: It stars Rowdy Roddy Piper. 'Nuff said.

Hell Comes to Frogtown, actually. And Rowdy Roddy Piper starred in one really good B-movie, John Carpenter's They Live, which might feature the best fight scene of all time.

My votes for worst movies are Pink Flamingos and The Doom Generation. Nothing cool, funny, or redeeming about either of them.

CalMeacham
04-08-2005, 10:28 AM
Or how about The Astounding She-Monster ? Noty only does it have one of the worst titles ever, it has really bad black and white film quality to add to the terrible plot and acting

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0050143/

When the star ripped her costume, they had neither the time nor money to repair it. So sometimes she walked away backwards to hide the fact.


"Animala" from The Lost Skeleton of Cadavra was pretty obviously based on Shirley Kilpatrick's "She-Monster", only in that case the poor acting and film quality were obviously done on purpose.



Cool poster for TASM, though.

Knowed Out
04-08-2005, 11:05 AM
I was going to mention Highlander 2, but there's no way I can top RickJay's description. I'm glad he didn't describe any plot or scenes from the movie, because I've almost succeeded in erasing it from my mind.

Star Trek V, directed...by...WILLIAM...SHATNER...is an embarassment to the whole ST genre, and certainly to the movie industry in general. But, I'll let this guy (http://www.jabootu.com/startrekv.htm) explain in full detail why it sucked so bad.

Balance
04-08-2005, 12:09 PM
I was going to let someone else post this, as I assumed everyone had heard of it by now...but the thread is at two pages and no one has mentioned "Night of the Lepus". I won't say it's the worst movie ever, as I (happily) haven't seen some of the contenders in this thread, but it deserves mention.

I mean, it has everything: Poor lighting. Nonexistent acting. Bad rubber suits--furry ones. Bunnies sitting in a tiny model of a town, looking disinterested. Yawning bunnies with roaring sounds dubbed over them. DeForest Kelley trying desperately to keep a straight face so he can collect his paycheck. The National Guard fighting the same stock closeup of a running rabbit over and over.

Ill-conceived and worse-executed, "Night of the Lepus" is a Bad Movie.

FordPrefect
04-08-2005, 04:15 PM
My vote for an all time horrible movie is Soldier with Kurt Russel
Ha! I love that movie! I think I am the only one. It is Kurt's understated killing machine attitude, no machismo, no charisma, just kill who he is told to kill. A rather "realistic" super-soldier.

I also liked Blair Witch, but not as a movie, more as an experiment of how to make movies. The fact that the director and crew were not on site but leaving little notes and the cameras were manned by the actors themselves made for an (singular, I am not a masochist) interesting viewing. Especially when they were panicking and the camera was spinning all around without cuts. It was refreshing, not scary, not creepy, kinda like a Long Island on a hot day.

My pick for bad would be the 10 minutes of Left Behind that I have seen. Followed by Dark Man.

Barely Adequate
04-08-2005, 04:47 PM
"Whipped" is my Personal Worst of the Millenium....

....and I say this as one who is probably mere baby-steps removed from
an Amanda Peet-induced TRO.

-Richard

rjung
04-08-2005, 08:17 PM
It's probably not the worst movie ever, but if we're putting together a list of bad theatrical-released films, I want to make sure Robot Jox (http://us.imdb.com/title/tt0102800/) doesn't get overlooked.

I could tolerate the bad acting, the thin plot, and the one-dimensional characters, but the whole point of the movie -- seeing big robots slug it out to the death -- was also boring as hell. Total disappointment.

Loopydude
04-08-2005, 08:28 PM
HO-leeee shit, I forgot all about Leonard Part the Sixth.

DAMN YOU

look!ninjas
04-08-2005, 09:57 PM
Fist of Fear, Touch of Death (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0080741/). Someone bought up a bunch of stock footage, slapped it together, and threw some narration on top. Absolutely dreadful. I love kung fu movies, the worse the better, and I don't think I managed to finish this one. If I did, I've successfully repressed the memories.

TellMeI'mNotCrazy
04-08-2005, 10:07 PM
Career Opportunities (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0101545/)

I haven't seen it in eons so imagine my surprise to find out Jennifer Connelly was in it.

I love this review though:

"Career Opportunities" is not only one of the finest films of the Last Great Golden Age Of American Cinema--the early 1990s, specifically, 1991 ("Another You", "For The Boys", "Highlander 2: The Quickening"--do I have to list more?)..." (especially for the Highlander II reference that seems so timely considering recent mentions here.)


The movie was just out and out bad.

Jaade
04-08-2005, 10:15 PM
Depressing how many of these I've seen, and how many I've actually enjoyed on some level.

But none hit the depths of Leonard Part 6 (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0093405/). I'd rather watch Highlander II twice before seeing LP6 again. I don't blame the rest of you for blocking it from your memory.

Special mention: A Life Less Ordinary (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0119535/#comment).


THANK YOU! I was wondering why no one had mentioned this Bill Cosby fiasco. I've never seen a worse movie in my life (and I liked Cool World and Satisfaction...).

HPL
04-08-2005, 11:15 PM
BTW, I love [b]Plan 9, especially the way they got rid of Bela Lugosi (hit by a car off-camera; all you hear is a squeal of tires and a scream).

Well, that's what happens when the lead dies before you can film his death scene.

HPL
04-08-2005, 11:22 PM
I was going to let someone else post this, as I assumed everyone had heard of it by now...but the thread is at two pages and no one has mentioned "Night of the Lepus". I won't say it's the worst movie ever, as I (happily) haven't seen some of the contenders in this thread, but it deserves mention.

I mean, it has everything: Poor lighting. Nonexistent acting. Bad rubber suits--furry ones. Bunnies sitting in a tiny model of a town, looking disinterested. Yawning bunnies with roaring sounds dubbed over them. DeForest Kelley trying desperately to keep a straight face so he can collect his paycheck. The National Guard fighting the same stock closeup of a running rabbit over and over.

Ill-conceived and worse-executed, "Night of the Lepus" is a Bad Movie.

I saw this as a kid, but I thought it was hilarious. The concept of Rabbits tearing of cities was too funny.

And it's the only non star-trek movie I've ever seen Deforest Kelly in.

Reeder
04-08-2005, 11:35 PM
The movies I'm looking for need not be released to theaters.

They just need to be available on a video medium.

And yes there is a level way beyond theater releases.

silenus
04-09-2005, 01:15 AM
I just discovered a new low: Showgirls - edited for VH-1.

It's even worse with all the language and nudity edited out!

Sampiro
04-09-2005, 03:08 AM
Since most of the really good terrible ones are taken, I'll give these two that I saw on cable while in motels in my teens and still remember:

The Hills Have Eyes 2 (http://imdb.com/title/tt0089274/)- a no budget sequel to Hills Have Eyes (which was a no budget that made money), horny teenagers try to cross through a track of desert occupied by an inbred family of cannibals. The movie is so bad that it features a flashback of pieced-together scenes from the first from the perspective of a DOG!

Humongous (http://imdb.com/title/tt0082537/)- horny kids on an island are picked off by a creature who had a really bad childhood. Tries to steal from Psycho and Friday 13, etc., but it's petty theft. The strangest thing is: the title makes absolutely no sense whatever- the killer is a human, a bit deformed and monstrous maybe but not humongous. In the end only one horny kid is left alive- she kills the monster but is stuck on the island because she's blind.

ralph124c
04-09-2005, 07:56 PM
Like the "Holloween" series of crap movies. the first one wasOK, but the movies got progressively worse and worse. Of course, Donald Pleasance made a career out of "Halloween", but the plots got sillier and sillier. Eventually, you get tired of watching beautiful, sexy teenagers get filleted and skewered. What was that other teen, mass-murder series (it was set at a summer camp, and everybody gets killed)/Of course, you get to see a lot of sexy girls stripping down (before the psychopath breaks in and kills them).

supervenusfreak
04-09-2005, 08:30 PM
Like the "Holloween" series of crap movies. the first one wasOK, but the movies got progressively worse and worse. Of course, Donald Pleasance made a career out of "Halloween", but the plots got sillier and sillier. Eventually, you get tired of watching beautiful, sexy teenagers get filleted and skewered. What was that other teen, mass-murder series (it was set at a summer camp, and everybody gets killed)/Of course, you get to see a lot of sexy girls stripping down (before the psychopath breaks in and kills them).

That would be Friday the 13th.

vl_mungo
04-09-2005, 08:36 PM
Yor, the Hunter from the Future (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0084935/)

I caught this stinker on Sci-Fi around 3:00AM a couple years back. It's absolutely the worst film I've ever seen. Everything about it is bad. Let’s run down the list:

Plot advanced by completely random and illogical happenings. Check.
An extremely blonde, buff, and dumb hero wearing a loin-cloth. Check.
Cavemen fighting papier-mâché dinosaurs. Check.
Straight-outta-the-80s cheese rock soundtrack. Check.
Spaceships, androids, and lasers, oh my! Check.
A most ineffective Evil Overlord. Check.

Never in my life have I laughed so hard because of a film. I was literally in tears the entire time. I'm currently trying to buy it on VHS, but it's a hard one to find.


Damn... that was mine.
You forgot to mention the excellently cheesy Queen-esque theme song that played whenever Yor did something "total"...
YORRRRR, he's the mannNNNNNN!!!


Since I have to to come up with another, I will submit the horrible (not even horribly good) ET ripoff, Mac and Me (http://imdb.com/title/tt0095560/?fr=c2l0ZT1kZnxteD0yMHxsbT01MDB8dHQ9b258ZmI9dXxwbj0wfHE9bWFjIGFuZCBtZXxodG1sPTF8bm09b24_;fc=1;ft=21) , which is actually just a 95 minute long ad for McDonalds and Coca-Cola.

vl_mungo
04-09-2005, 08:38 PM
Whoops, you actually did mention the soundtrack. <Emily Litella>Never mind.</Emily Litella</>

jimpatro
04-09-2005, 08:50 PM
Big Bad Voodoo Lou

Hell Comes to Frogtown, actually. And Rowdy Roddy Piper starred in one really good B-movie, John Carpenter's They Live, which might feature the best fight scene of all time.

There was a best or worst fight scenes in movies thread recently and folks really railed on the scene from They Live. I gotta agree though that I think it's one of the best ever.

And rabbits and cats make the worst actors. They just can't focus!

Mr. Blue Sky
04-09-2005, 09:44 PM
How could we get this far without mentioning The Gong Show Movie?


Holy Jesus on a striped camel!!

Nobody
04-09-2005, 10:03 PM
Escape from LA. Damn, that was just......Damn!!!!

Reeder
04-09-2005, 10:08 PM
Y'all are playing above the rim.

I want movies made by local people. They just have to be available on DVD.

No more Hollywood stuff.

Lots of straight to video stuff out there.

Mr. Blue Sky
04-09-2005, 10:12 PM
Y'all are playing above the rim.

I want movies made by local people. They just have to be available on DVD.

No more Hollywood stuff.

Lots of straight to video stuff out there.

Go to SomethingAwful.com and click on their Movie Reviews section. You'll find enough low budget crap to keep you in tears for a long time.

ivylass
04-09-2005, 10:36 PM
Wasn't It's Pat, from the SNL sketch, pulled the same day it was released?

kung fu lola
04-10-2005, 12:11 AM
I just discovered a new low: Showgirls - edited for VH-1.

It's even worse with all the language and nudity edited out!

The scene where they literally drew a bra onto Gina Gershon is the best - the audacity! I guess they couldn't cut it, since it was a key scene, but they couldn't show boobies. Oh, I know! Let's animate a black bra into the scene!

Hometownboy
04-10-2005, 01:34 AM
Some additional stunning examples can be found here (http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=205316), a thread I managed to kill [please, don't let me kill again] with the following observation:

Let us not forget director Peter Greenaway and his bizzare The Pillow Book with its style-over-substance mania that Kenneth Tynan called "an air of smug pretension and a cold and gleeful delight in the poetry of excess."

Pretty but vapid, with such charming scenes as a man using skin from his dead (male) lover to cover a book, and in the privacy of his own home .... licking it.

Tons o'flaccid male nudity, a bit of twisted revenge, lots of scenes of people painting calligraphy on other nude people. Yep, it's all here, complete with flat monotone speakiing voices and look-at-me cinematography, including oddly split screens, faux significant on-screen labels and commentary, etc.


But, hey, don't take my word for it. These are taken from the "external reviews" tab at the IMDB:

At this point in his career, I feel my admiration for Greenaway no longer outweighs my impatience with the rigorously deliberate tedium of his recent films.—San Francisco Examiner

He’s [Greenaway] the grown-up version of a boy with a bee, a bottle and a razor blade. He can slice that insect into several sections -- which he will dutifully catalogue in a grimy notebook -- but it won’t occur to him that the bee is in agony. — Washington Post

Hometownboy
04-10-2005, 01:46 AM
And while we're at it:
Boy, howdy, that brings to mind Skidoo, a 1968 movie musical directed by Otto Preminger (!) and misusing a huge cast of characters: Jackie Gleason, Carol Channing, Frankie Avalon, Frank Gorshin, Peter Lawford, Burgess Meredith, George Raft, Cesar Romero, Mickey Rooney, Arnold Stang, Slim Pickens, even -- fer chrissake -- Harry Nilsson and Groucho Marx as God, in what, sadly, was his last film.

I used to own the soundtrack album for this train wreck of a film and kept it for years just to hear Nilsson sing the closing credits -- that's right, every last best boy, key grip and copywright notice set to sort of a free-flowing song. Bizarre beyond belief.

And, yes, I saw this in a theater way back then. There is next to no plot, and the actors look as confused as everyone else.

One of the reviewers on the IMDB says that Preminger's daughter controls the negative to protect her father's memory and that it's never been released on video.

DrDeth
04-10-2005, 03:09 AM
Battlefield Earth

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0185183/

I mean- this was a big budget film and everything. :eek:

HPL
04-10-2005, 03:10 AM
Like the "Holloween" series of crap movies. the first one wasOK, but the movies got progressively worse and worse. Of course, Donald Pleasance made a career out of "Halloween", but the plots got sillier and sillier. Eventually, you get tired of watching beautiful, sexy teenagers get filleted and skewered. What was that other teen, mass-murder series (it was set at a summer camp, and everybody gets killed)/Of course, you get to see a lot of sexy girls stripping down (before the psychopath breaks in and kills them).

Most movie series work that way, but not all. There are a couple examples where the movie with the "II" is arguably as good or better.

And in a very strange example, the "Howling" Series follows this tend, but with an anomly. The first was pretty good, the 2nd was worse, but the third was better then the 2nd. Of course, then it goes ot a steep downhill slide.

Tuckerfan
04-10-2005, 03:22 AM
Even though it hasn't been released yet, I think that this film (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0418068/) might well be the worst film of all time.

HPL
04-10-2005, 04:31 AM
Even though it hasn't been released yet, I think that this film (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0418068/) might well be the worst film of all time.

They're making another one?

YOU MANIACS! YOU MADE ANOTHER ONE! DAMN YOU! DAMN YOU ALL TO HELL!

For the record, as a kid, I thought the first one was funny. And I thought the 2nd was one was funny, but not quite as much as the first. And after a while, they seemed less and less funny as the series went on. It's a perfect of a series that may have started out good, but the quality was inversly perportional to the roman numeral after the title. In fact, there should be a law that states something like that, maybe even with the mathimatical equation that that the movie number will be used as the denominator.

So the first movie in the series will be 1/1 or just 1(for establishing the level of quality). The 2nd movie in the series will be 1/2, or 50% of the quality of the first. 1/3=33%, 1/4=25%, continue for number of sequels.

vl_mungo
04-10-2005, 06:51 AM
Y'all are playing above the rim.

I want movies made by local people. They just have to be available on DVD.

No more Hollywood stuff.

Lots of straight to video stuff out there.

Ok, this is below even straight to video... a friend of mine made this video. Maybe it's what you had in mind.
Graveyard (http://www.geocities.com/gonzoriffic/reviews-graveyard.html)

Reeder
04-10-2005, 12:34 PM
Ok, this is below even straight to video... a friend of mine made this video. Maybe it's what you had in mind.
Graveyard (http://www.geocities.com/gonzoriffic/reviews-graveyard.html)



That's exactly what I had in mind.

Thanks!

Mirror Image egamI rorriM
04-10-2005, 05:44 PM
Frogs! (http://imdb.com/title/tt0068615/)

My reaction to this was "What the hell?"

FisherQueen
04-10-2005, 05:55 PM
I have the dubious distinction of being one of the fifteen people who saw Cool World in the theater. Ever since then, it has been the benchmark of bad film for me. I've seen Glen or Glenda, I've seen Millennium, but nothing has ever equalled the degree of pain of being in a dark room, with Cool World filling all of my senses.

Loopydude
04-10-2005, 06:34 PM
Frogs! (http://imdb.com/title/tt0068615/)

My reaction to this was "What the hell?"

Ooooo, speaking of frogs....

MAGNOLIA (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0175880/)

Fear this flick. Few films in recent memory illicit greater feelings of revulsion in me than this self-conscious, self-indulgent, insufferably precious, pretentiously random, stupifyingly boring, utter steaming ball of SHITE.

Fuck Paul Thomas Aderson with a grappling hook for conceiving of this abomination.

wonderwench
04-10-2005, 06:38 PM
Bless The Beasts And The Children

Truly horrible flick featuring Billy Mumy as a teenager. I have mercifully blanked most of it out - but have visions of bleeding buffaloes.

Glassy
04-10-2005, 09:54 PM
I have the dubious distinction of being one of the fifteen people who saw Cool World in the theater...

I'm one of the other ones. At the time I was extremely keen on Roger Rabbit and the coolness of merging animation with live action (which was extremely cool in 1991, I assure you). Cool World was a bitter, bitter disappointment.

raz
04-10-2005, 11:10 PM
Okay, here's my pick for "worst movie ever". No one that I know has ever heard of this movie. I will be damn suprised if anyone else here has seen it. I don't even know how I came across it in the first place.

Slugs (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0093995/). Yes, it's exactly what you think. Killer slugs! They're mutants! They're TWICE as fast as ordinary slugs. Oh what I wouldn't give to own this movie and watch it just one more time. The really sad thing is, this movie scared the crap out of me as a child. I would just watch it over and over at my grandma's house (why she had this movie I really couldn't say, she's actually a pretty normal lady) until it scared me so much that I made her burn the tape.

I love the Spanish name for the movie. Muerte Viscosa. Oh god no, they're Dead Viscous! And also you get the most hilaroulsly awful sex/death scene ever with this movie. Slugs killing people having shower sex because -remember- these slugs are TWICE as fast as ordinary slugs.

Askance
04-11-2005, 01:12 AM
You want the worst of the worst, you get it. I give you the oh-so-slightly unauthorized Turkish versions of these all-time classics:

E.T. (http://www.thewavemag.com/pagegen.php?pagename=article&articleid=22590)

Star Wars (http://www.thewavemag.com/pagegen.php?pagename=article&articleid=22122)

Star Trek (http://www.thewavemag.com/pagegen.php?pagename=article&articleid=22646)

Wizard of Oz (http://www.thewavemag.com/pagegen.php?pagename=article&articleid=22477)

It is to weep. Mostly with cruel laughter.

Marley23
04-11-2005, 02:02 AM
Fuck Paul Thomas Aderson with a grappling hook for conceiving of this abomination.
I read in a Newsweek piece recently that, after fighting with the studio about the length of the movie - he later admitted they were right and it should've been 20 minutes shorter. That won't satisfy anybody who hated the movie, I just thought it was funny.

Roadfood
04-11-2005, 02:21 AM
I'm amazed that no one has yet mentioned:

Attack of the Killer Tomatos (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0080391/?fr=c2l0ZT1kZnxteD0yMHxsbT01MDB8dHQ9b258ZmI9dXxwbj0wfHE9a2lsbGVyIHRvbWF0b3N8aHRtbD0xfG5tPW9u;fc=1;ft =21;fm=1)

or David Bowie's snore-fest The Man Who Fell to Earth (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0074851/?fr=c2l0ZT1kZnxteD0yMHxsbT01MDB8dHQ9b258ZmI9dXxwbj0wfHE9bWFuIHdobyBmZWxsIHRvIGVhcnRofGh0bWw9MXxubT1v bg__;fc=1;ft=20;fm=1).

But then, for all-time worst, there has never and will never be a movie as god-awful bad as that complete waste of celluloid, Pulp Fiction.

HPL
04-11-2005, 03:04 AM
But then, for all-time worst, there has never and will never be a movie as god-awful bad as that complete waste of celluloid, Pulp Fiction.

Are you talking about some Obscure, non-tarentino movie with the same title, or do you merely have an innate desire to get flamed?

HPL
04-11-2005, 03:12 AM
Escape from LA. Damn, that was just......Damn!!!!

Not even Bruce Campbell could save this stinker. And it's really sad, because as cheesy as it was, I love Escape from New York.

Two movies came to mind after reading through http://www.badmovies.org/movies.

Super Mario brothers. As a kid I thought this sucked, and now I wonder who the hell came up with the script for this? And why the Hell did Dennis Hopper get invovled?

Superman 4 Preachy and Stupid. Superman gets plenty of new powers out of the blue that are never seen again, and he faces an idiot(named Nuclear man) who needs constant sunlight to do anything.

Balance
04-11-2005, 10:43 AM
I saw this as a kid, but I thought it was hilarious. The concept of Rabbits tearing of cities was too funny.
Oh, it was unquestionably funny--in a "we're laughing at you, not with you" kind of way.

If it had been intended as a humorous parody of the giant monster movie genre, things might have been different. As far as I can tell, however, the people behind it actually meant it to be taken seriously--which is amusing in itself.

sleepygirl
04-11-2005, 10:49 AM
I would be remiss if I didn't include Cool World an utterly forgettable dark clone of Roger Rabbit. It starred some unknown non-actor Val Kilmer Wannabe. I can't remember his name. Chad Bitt, or Tad Zitt, or Bad Titt or something like that. Whatever.


oh come on! that wasn't that bad. besides, gabriel burne was worth it! and i cannot say i have laughed more than the end cartoon sequence.

"ok hunny poo"

LOL SO FUNNY!

sleepygirl
04-11-2005, 10:57 AM
Escape from LA. Damn, that was just......Damn!!!!


i agree awful remake. shames the first one which was excellent.

sleepygirl
04-11-2005, 11:04 AM
may i add "lost souls" w/ winona ryder. what was that about??? it put me to sleep. "soul survivors" looked like it had potential, but confused the hell out of me at the end. there's another one i saw recently where i was like what the hell??? but i can't remember it at the moment. i know a lot of people liked it, but i was at a loss.

RancidYakButterTeaParty
04-11-2005, 11:05 AM
Cherry 2000.

Enough said.

Rilchiam
04-15-2005, 06:53 PM
It's A Complex World (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0099295/)

81 minutes of garbled, incomprehensible dialogue, teeth-jarring music, and no plot that I could discern. And what boggles my mind is that all three IMDB reviews gush over it, and one compares it to "Rocky Horror" and "Spinal Tap"! They must have seen it just once, and been really, really high.

I once was subjected to Mac and Me when I was on the Amtrak going across country. Or rather, it was on the TVs, but I was talking to some people and not paying much attention to it. I registered that the kid had a really annoying voice and that's about it. Reading the reviews, I'm actually regretting not getting the full flavor of suck; I don't remember a dance sequence in McDonald's, for instance. Maybe I should wear a wig and rent it from a video store in another community.

Skywatcher
04-15-2005, 07:08 PM
I'm not sure if Buford's Beach Bunnies (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0103894/combined) was straight-to-video but it might well have been.

Don Draper
04-15-2005, 08:07 PM
Bless The Beasts And The Children

Truly horrible flick featuring Billy Mumy as a teenager. I have mercifully blanked most of it out - but have visions of bleeding buffaloes.


GACK! my eighth grade lit class were forced to watch this movie for two excrutiating days while we "studied" the book. I have blocked this travesty out of my mind for ages...until now. Thanks a lot!

I didn't read through all three pages of posts. I am presuming that "Love Story" must have been mentioned somewhere before the end of page one.

Instead, I'll suggest Satan's Cheerleaders (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0076665/).

BrainGlutton
04-15-2005, 09:29 PM
Glen or Glenda is almost as bad. Practically unwatchable.

Haven't seen that one, but I did once, out of morbid curiosity, rent Bride of the Atom. Deserves its reputation. Uberdumb and megasux. The shame is that it was Bela Lugosi's last speaking role on the screen. (He delivered no lines in Plan 9 -- Lugosi died in the middle of filming and Wood's wife's chiropractor subbed in, speaking no lines and concealing his face with Lugosi's Dracula cape, as I'm sure all Dopers know.) As Stephen King wrote in Dance Macabre, it was "a squalid coda to a great career."

BrainGlutton
04-15-2005, 09:44 PM
I would be remiss if I didn't include Cool World an utterly forgettable dark clone of Roger Rabbit. It starred some unknown non-actor Val Kilmer Wannabe. I can't remember his name. Chad Bitt, or Tad Zitt, or Bad Titt or something like that. Whatever.

I recall a bit from an early-90s fanzine called Caffeine Quarterly: "Cool World Invades Toontown!" "Cool World security chief Nails denied rumors of ethnic cleansing of characters of Warner Brothers extraction . . ."

BrainGlutton
04-15-2005, 09:58 PM
Star Trek V, directed...by...WILLIAM...SHATNER...is an embarassment to the whole ST genre, and certainly to the movie industry in general. But, I'll let this guy (http://www.jabootu.com/startrekv.htm) explain in full detail why it sucked so bad.

At the Tampa SF convention Necronomicon one year, there was a panel discussion -- in a huge, packed auditorium! -- about the existence of God and the use of God in SF. When the mod called for a last question, I stood up and innocently asked, "Do you think God . . . will ever forgive William Shatner for Star Trek V?" A moment's silence, then the room exploded. :D



Ermm . . . excuse me . . . why does God need a starship?

BrainGlutton
04-15-2005, 10:05 PM
Ha! I love that movie [Soldier]! I think I am the only one. It is Kurt's understated killing machine attitude, no machismo, no charisma, just kill who he is told to kill. A rather "realistic" super-soldier.

I could appreciate that too, but one point spoiled the whole plot for me: Why would a spacefaring human civilization use an Earthlike planet with a breathable atmosphere (extremely rare conditions, to be sure!) as a garbage dump, when you could just as easily dump your garbage on a lifeless moon or throw it into the nearest star?

I also would have liked more backstory. These "soldiers" (i.e., the brainwashed enlisted men, not the officers) have no civil rights or private lives of any kind, are not even allowed to form the conception of such. How did the United States (or some successor state, which the "American Forces" apparently were serving) evolve into a society where children could be selected at birth for a life of slavery?

BrainGlutton
04-15-2005, 10:14 PM
[QUOTE=jimpatroThere was a best or worst fight scenes in movies thread recently and folks really railed on the scene from They Live. I gotta agree though that I think it's one of the best ever.[/QUOTE]

I think the problem people have is that they expect a movie fight scene to be exciting, not just two really tough guys whaling on each other for several long minutes, with no weapons or leaps or spin-kicks, until one is worn out -- the way it probably would go if two really tough guys street-fought IRL.

(And yet people will pay money to watch professional boxers . . .)

BrainGlutton
04-15-2005, 10:16 PM
Y'all are playing above the rim.

I want movies made by local people. They just have to be available on DVD.

No more Hollywood stuff.

Lots of straight to video stuff out there.

Try Jack-O. http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0113449/ A cheesy, low-budget bit of shoegunk that could not possibly ever have been released to the theaters. Not even in the days of drive-ins.

BrainGlutton
04-15-2005, 10:19 PM
They're making another one [Police Academy]?

YOU MANIACS! YOU MADE ANOTHER ONE! DAMN YOU! DAMN YOU ALL TO HELL!

For the record, as a kid, I thought the first one was funny. And I thought the 2nd was one was funny, but not quite as much as the first. And after a while, they seemed less and less funny as the series went on. It's a perfect of a series that may have started out good, but the quality was inversly perportional to the roman numeral after the title. In fact, there should be a law that states something like that, maybe even with the mathimatical equation that that the movie number will be used as the denominator.

[ross geller]

After Police Academy III, I stopped worrying about whether they were going to make it as cops and just decided to enjoy the comedy . . .

[/rg]

Largo62
04-15-2005, 10:26 PM
Nobody has yet mentioned Eegah! (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0055946/) (you're all so young). See "the crazed love of a prehistoric giant for a ravishing teenage girl." This was an early appearance of Richard Kiel, better known as Jaws from Diamonds Are Forever.

And don't (or do) forget the truly horrible musical On A Clear Day You Can See Forever, an even worse Streissand movie than Yentel, if that's possible.

BrainGlutton
04-15-2005, 10:35 PM
This falls into the theatrical-release category, but I think it's worthy of mention: I got a few chuckles out of Woody Allen's Broadway Danny Rose (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0087003/), but I'll be the first to admit it's the worst Woody Allen movie I've ever seen, and my brother still thinks Allen owes him for those two hours out of his life.

Leviosaurus
04-16-2005, 01:23 AM
[ross geller]

After Police Academy III, I stopped worrying about whether they were going to make it as cops and just decided to enjoy the comedy . . .

[/rg]
It's my personal theory that as they make more Police Academy sequels, and each sequel gets less and less funny, eventually they will start to get more serious, become fraught with tragedy and steeped in metaphor. Eventually the Aristotelian Unities will assert themselves, and the actors will take on a stern demeanor. By Police Academy XXXIV, the series will be considered high drama and deep intellectual fodder. Police Academy XXXV will be praised for gritty realism, and will subsequently win the academy award for best screenplay. Police Academy XXXVI will only be released to art houses, where expresso swilling sophists will stand in the lobby afterwards, debating how the script marginalizes Emile Durkheim's theory of the relationship between societal development and homicide. (Except for the really cool part where the guys head explodes.)

Anyway, that's what I think's going to happen. Ignore Police Academy and risk intellectual depreciation.

truthbot
04-16-2005, 11:55 AM
No mention of 1970's Hercules in New York? Arnold's first film and he got second billing status underneath Arnold Stang as "Arnold Strong, Mr. Universe." It's deliciously bad, so bad it's a real knee-slapper. Low budget enough to satisfy Reeder's requirement. Here's a link: Arnold's pathetic first film (http://blogs.salon.com/0002874/stories/2003/11/22/theSchwarzeneggerProject2HercInNewYork.html)

Horatio Hellpop
04-16-2005, 12:23 PM
Troma's very first release was Redneck Zombies (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0093833/) . It is utterly without redeeming features. I only watched it because a friend of mine starred in it and in retrospect that wasn't a good enough reason.

All concerned parties were still learning their craft, of course, although the director never went on to anything better than some Toxic Avenger sequels.

BrainGlutton
04-17-2005, 02:26 PM
Ignore Police Academy and risk intellectual depreciation.

Especially in France! :D

Lobsang
04-17-2005, 03:41 PM
Every Batman Joel Schumacker did!

"Holy rusted metal batman!"

Bring on Batnab Begins!

Lobsang
04-17-2005, 03:43 PM
'Batnab'?! :dubious:

(Stupid right hand)

Mr. Svinlesha
04-17-2005, 04:12 PM
In my own experience of bad movies, which I have in abundance, my vote for absolute worst goes to Plan Nine from Outer Space. Predictable, perhaps, but there is a reason why that film is often mentioned as the worst film ever made. I've never really seen anything else like it: the unbelievably bad unspecial effects, bad sets, bad acting, bad plot, bad script -- from beginning to end, Plan 9 is bad, abysmally bad.

Actually, when I think about it, it's worse than bad. It gives the word "bad" a completely new meaning. I don't think a person really can understand the concept of bad in all its fullness if he/she hasn't seen Plan 9. I mean, I thought I knew what "bad" was, but until I'd seen that film, well, I simply didn't. I remember that I left the theater in a sort of state of shock after seeing that movie. There's was this feeling in the pit of my stomach, and I was thinking, "Oy... so that's bad. Now I get it." Still, it took me a few days to really grok how truly bad that movie was. I would find myself, suddenly, shuddering, while doing the dishes, or washing my clothes, as some piece of that movie would return to me unexpectedly -- like the scene with Bella Lugosi sneaking into the house, followed by the chiropracter stand-in chasing the heroine around her bedroom (from whom she escapes), followed by the scene of Bella Lugosi exiting the house. :shudder: You have to see it to believe it.

Still, there are a lot of other really, really bad movies out there. I recommend HPL's link to badmovies.org some very entertaining reading. Like:

Cannibal Women in the Avacado Jungle of Death -- starring Shannon Tweed!

The Curse of Count Chocula! WTF?

Frankenhooker. 'Nuff said.

Drunken Wu Tang. Includes the infamous Watermelon Monster.


Howling III: The Marsupials. The marsupials?

Redneck Zombies.

...and others too numerous to mention.

Othersider
04-17-2005, 06:41 PM
For a combination of snuff-porn loathsomeness and sheer relentless dumbness, it's hard to beat The Hollow Man starring Kevin Bacon. From first scene to last, a movie that doesn't merely insult the intelligence of the viewer, but actually seeks to crawl in through your eyes, knock your brain down and sit on it. This movie hates you. You won't be able to shower enough after having watched it.
Yes, that one was really bad. And just when you thought it couldn't get worse...yep, it did.

vivalostwages
04-17-2005, 09:46 PM
Try Jack-O. http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0113449/ A cheesy, low-budget bit of shoegunk that could not possibly ever have been released to the theaters. Not even in the days of drive-ins.

For some straight to video idiocy, try Moontrap. On second thought...Don't.


Tough Guys Don't Dance has one unintentionally hilarious scene with Ryan O'Neal: "Oh God...Oh man...Oh God...Oh man...Oh God...Oh man...Oh God...Oh Man...Oh God!" (No, he was not in bed with anyone at the time.)
Other than that, it is not to be watched.

I never got past the first five minutes or so of Judge Dredd. Was I right to stop the tape?

HPL
04-17-2005, 10:46 PM
Yes, that one was really bad. And just when you thought it couldn't get worse...yep, it did.

I'm glad I'm not the only one who thought it sucked. I kept saying "Wait. it's supposed to make him invisible, not give him super powers!"

ZeroGyro
04-18-2005, 04:13 AM
I found Body Double to be one of the most irritating pieces of crap that I've had to endure. Bill Maher-lookalike Craig Wasson gives an extraordinarily obnoxious and wimpy lead performance and very hit-or-miss director Brian DePalma wallows in his worst excesses, including preposterous and gory murders and very lame Hitchcock ripoffs.

It's just the kind of movie I love hating and insulting.

Dunderman
04-18-2005, 04:35 AM
I know some people actually like this one (although it's a mystery to me), but I'll nominate Signs anyway. I hated hated hated this movie. It's dumb from start to finish. It's like a parody of itself. It's a series of glaring plot holes stitched together with stupid sappiness. It doesn't make a lick of sense anywhere.

It felt even worse than it is to me when I saw it, because a) I saw it in a movie theatre, paying good money for it and b) I expected a whole lot more after having seen and loved Sixth Sense and Unbreakable.

Tuckerfan
04-19-2005, 07:56 PM
I haven't seen it, but Monsturd (http://www.4321films.com/monsturd/) looks like it might fit the bill. When escaped serial killer Jack Schmitt dies a mysterious death in the city's sewage treatment plant, deep, dark trouble comes to town. A horrifying accident at a nearby genetic research laboratory results in the bloodthirsty killer's resurrection and soon, using the county's sewer system as his underground lair, Schmitt exacts his odious revenge on the frightened townfolk.

This is the thriller that does for toilets what Psycho did for showers. Come along if you dare. Just don't get caught with your pants down!:eek:

Terrifel
04-19-2005, 10:20 PM
Hysterical (http://imdb.com/title/tt0085704/) doesn't really count toward the purposes of this list, since I believe it did enjoy a limited theatrical release and it actually has some recognizable faces in it (a quite surprising number, really), but no list of bad movies would be complete without it. Filmed in 1983, starring the Hudson Brothers ("Who?" you ask. Exactly.), this film is a "comedy" (scare quotes definitely apply here) that attempts to parody an assortment of late '70s horror films, from Jaws to The Exorcist. However, whereas most bad genre parodies simply hurt to the point where you avert your eyes, Hysterical has a more insidious effect: its ensemble cast of mostly B-level actors hypnotizes you into submission with their uniformly bizarre and eccentric performances. Watching these familiar Hollywood faces goofing and mugging is sort of like coming across an old Super-8 reel of your various relatives whooping it up for the camera at a drunken wedding reception. It's intensely embarrassing, yet oddly compelling at the same time, and before you know it you've found a little place in your heart for Hysterical. I love this movie.

Walloon
04-20-2005, 11:33 AM
Filmed in 1983, starring the Hudson Brothers ("Who?" you ask. Exactly.)No strangers to those of us who used to watch The Hudson Brothers Show on CBS. Bill Hudson is the father of actress Kate Hudson.

Loopydude
04-20-2005, 11:46 AM
I haven't seen it, but Monsturd (http://www.4321films.com/monsturd/) looks like it might fit the bill. :eek:

I dunno. It actually appears to be, all things considered, a pretty good flick. I mean, check out these beaming reviews:

“Lord knows, the last thing you should do is “pooh, pooh” this piece of work.”
-Charles McDermid, St. Helena Star

“It’s hard not to come out in support of a movie about a giant, man-eating poop monster that terrorizes the chili-chomping population of an innocent small town.”
-Cheryl Eddy, San Francisco Bay Guardian

“It's the best made really disgusting movie I've ever seen. I loved it.”
-Dave Friedman

“Monsturd kicks almost all other horror movies on their fat, bloody asses. You'll never use your toilet again."
-Jasper, The Poop Report

God-awful? Seems to me this movie is a regular, bowl-you-over, running-away hit. Gotta love the indy movement!

BMalion
04-20-2005, 12:09 PM
No strangers to those of us who used to watch The Hudson Brothers Show on CBS.


"No thanks! We're tryyyyying to cut down."

Scumpup
04-20-2005, 01:16 PM
The Magic Christian. (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0064622/fullcredits) Self-indulgent, faux-psychedelic crap. How so many talented people could be convinced to be the corn kernels in this enormous turd is a mystery to me.

FriarTed
04-20-2005, 01:36 PM
The Magic Christian. (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0064622/fullcredits) Self-indulgent, faux-psychedelic crap. How so many talented people could be convinced to be the corn kernels in this enormous turd is a mystery to me.

I saw it as a child with my family at the drive-in. I've seen it again in the past few years & while all the above is true, it does have it's moments (come on, Peter Sellers & Ringo Starr are in it! *G*)

It's better than CANDY- Holy God, that sucked!

cbawlmer
04-20-2005, 01:48 PM
You guys should all check out The Brotherhood 2: Young Warlocks. It's PG-13 supersoftcore gay porn in the guide of a teen horror flick that a friend bought in the $5.00 bin a Wal-Mart. It's completely hilarious. None of the characters are technically supposed to be gay, which makes it all the better. We're having a bad movie party this weekend and I think this is what I'm going to bring. :)

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