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Aquafina
08-08-2006, 10:55 PM
Where is the humor in these lines ?

- "Confucius say, baseball wrong. Man with four balls not able to walk "
- "Confucius say, woman who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house "
- "Confucius say, man who keep feet on ground have trouble putting on pants"
- "Confucius say, couple on seven day honeymoon make whole week "
- "Confucius say, woman who go camping must beware of evil intent "

..and more to come.

Thanks

mobo85
08-08-2006, 10:59 PM
- "Confucius say, baseball wrong. Man with four balls not able to walk "

Play on two meanings of "ball"- in this case, four balls equals a walk in baseball, but it's hard to walk with four testicles.

- "Confucius say, woman who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house "

To put someone in the doghouse is a slang term to kick him out of the house. A "cat house" is a term for a bordello or whorehouse.

- "Confucius say, woman who go camping must beware of evil intent "

A pun on "in tent."

Rysto
08-08-2006, 11:07 PM
- "Confucius say, man who keep feet on ground have trouble putting on pants"
You can't put pants on without lifting your feet off of the ground.

Colibri
08-08-2006, 11:08 PM
- "Confucius say, couple on seven day honeymoon make whole week "


A pun for "make hole weak"; excessive intercourse will overstress the vagina.

Aquafina
08-08-2006, 11:15 PM
You can't put pants on without lifting your feet off of the ground.

Is it the literal meaning ? I still can't see the humor. May be it is just me :rolleyes:

ddgryphon
08-08-2006, 11:26 PM
And of course you must add "in bed" to the end to fully appreciate the wisdom of confucius.

Tracy Lord
08-08-2006, 11:35 PM
Is it the literal meaning ? I still can't see the humor. May be it is just me :rolleyes:

The conflict of the literal meaning and the metaphoric is where the comedy comes from. "Keep your feet on the ground" is the sort of thing one expects to see on an office-wall inspirational poster with a picture of a mountain or a tree. The logistical difficulties of such a position are not expected, and the unexpected is funny.

Biffy the Elephant Shrew
08-08-2006, 11:37 PM
My favorite:

Confucius say, passionate kiss is like spider's web: it lead to undoing of fly.

Civil Guy
08-08-2006, 11:43 PM
[quote]- "Confucius say, man who keep feet on ground have trouble putting on pants"
[\quote]
At least in the U.S., a man who "keeps his feet on the ground" is metaphorically emotionally grounded, sure footed, and not easy to shake up. The 'saying' is a play on that metaphor, suggesting that being too stable can be its own kind of handicap. Alternatively, the 'saying' is just being silly.

Arnold Winkelried
08-08-2006, 11:55 PM
Some I remember:

Confucius say "Man with hole in pocket feel cocky all day."
Confucius say "Virginity is like a bubble. One prick, all gone."
Confucius say "Learn to masturbate - come in handy."
Confucius say "Man who sit on thumbtack will get the point."
Confucius say "Man who buy many prunes get good run for his money."
Confucius say "Man who laughs last does not get joke."

Queen Bruin
08-08-2006, 11:56 PM
"Confucius say, man who stand on toilet is high on pot."

"Confucius say, man with hand in pocket not crazy, just feeling nuts."

BrainGlutton
08-08-2006, 11:58 PM
Confucius say, "The way of the superior man is threefold, but I am not equal to it. Virtuous, he is free from anxieties; wise, he is free from perplexities; bold, he is free from fear."

OK, it's not funny. But Confucius did (http://www.humanistictexts.org/confucius.htm#_Toc483366191) say it!

BrainGlutton
08-08-2006, 11:59 PM
All right then, how about:

Confucius say: "Man who go to bed with itchy butt wake up with smelly finger!"

Bryan Ekers
08-09-2006, 12:02 AM
More metaphorically, perfect stability also means you'll never accomplish anything, since some expenditure (and thus risk) is necessary to get a return.

Confucius say "Posters who overthink lame joke, waste ... uh, time."


It wasn't one of his best.

BrainGlutton
08-09-2006, 12:10 AM
I remember this one, very clearly, from the jokes page of Boys' Life (the magazine of the Boy Scouts USA) some time in the '70s:

"Confucius say: 'Girl who try to be walking encyclopedia should remember: Reference books are never taken out!'"

It has some undeniable cultural-historical relevance . . .

Hometownboy
08-09-2006, 12:55 AM
Confucius say "Man who fish in another man's well catch crabs."

Standard Nathan
08-09-2006, 01:04 AM
the one that made me laugh the most was: Confucius say, "man who go to airplane lavatory during turbulance going to Bangkok." [Bangkok=bang cock]

Derleth
08-09-2006, 03:33 AM
- "Confucius say, couple on seven day honeymoon make whole week "Haven't you ever heard the phrase 'making time' used to connote making out? He's saying they'll be in bed the whole time, or at least very pleasantly indisposed.

Martiju
08-09-2006, 03:52 AM
Haven't you ever heard the phrase 'making time' used to connote making out? He's saying they'll be in bed the whole time, or at least very pleasantly indisposed.

Well possibly - but the 'make hole weak' is far more inkeeping with the style - and funnier (given that your definition is pretty obvious, and the humour is in reading the second meaning).

Johnny L.A.
08-09-2006, 07:26 AM
Woman who fly upside-down have hairy crack up.

Colophon
08-09-2006, 07:33 AM
the one that made me laugh the most was: Confucius say, "man who go to airplane lavatory during turbulance going to Bangkok." [Bangkok=bang cock]

I heard that one as "Man who walk through departure gate sideways going to Bangkok"

Ellen Cherry
08-09-2006, 08:29 AM
The only one I have ever remembered is ...

Confucius say "He who fart in church sit in his own pew."

minlokwat
08-09-2006, 09:10 AM
I’ve heard many of these. The only one I can add:

Confucius say: “Never trust woman who cooks carrots and peas in same pot.”

Hampshire
08-09-2006, 09:28 AM
I heard that one as "Man who walk through departure gate sideways going to Bangkok"

I heard it as "Man who go through turnstile (http://www.loudandclear.com/barricade/turnstile.jpg) sideways going to Bangkok"

Biffy the Elephant Shrew
08-09-2006, 09:55 AM
Well possibly - but the 'make hole weak' is far more inkeeping with the style - and funnier (given that your definition is pretty obvious, and the humour is in reading the second meaning).
The version of that joke I know is not a Confucius say:

Q. What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex?

A. Oral sex can make your day, but anal sex will make your whole week.

Mindfield
08-09-2006, 10:04 AM
I made one up many moons ago.

"Confucious say: Man without modem is nobaudy."

I didn't say it was good.

vivalostwages
08-09-2006, 02:05 PM
My favorites: He who chews on many prunes shall sit on pot for many moons.

And...... Crowded elevator smell different to midget.

CalMeacham
08-09-2006, 02:19 PM
I realize that they're only supposed to be jokes, but I'm leery of this one. Confucianism is a philosophy bordering on religion. The whole "Confucius says..." thing got started because characters in Western fiction were always quoting The Philosopher (it may have started with Canniff's strip Terry and the Pirates, which had a Confucius-spouting character. But it may have been earlier). Canniff's quotes were apparently good advice (although probably not legit. I've read the Analects and other Confucian works and found them immeasurably obscure and eminently non-quotable), but the line of "Confucius say" jokes were invariably a little scatological or risque, and undoubtedly originally intended to puncture the pomposity of the concept. But it's kinda making fun both of another philosophy [i]and[/ui] of the culture, what with that Pidgin-English "say". Baqck at the 1964-5 World's Fair, the Chrysler pavilion had a machine that gave out "Car-fucius say" tickets. I'll bet they wouldn't do that today. Sensitivity and all.


Sorry to be the bearer of cold water, but it's my $0.02.

Sir Rhosis
08-09-2006, 02:26 PM
Let's just do what people do when they wanna tell ethnic jokes--change it to your own group (I substitute hillbilly or Kentuckian).

So, who will be the first with a "CalMeacham say" joke?

:D

Sir Rhosis

mobo85
08-09-2006, 02:30 PM
I've seen offensive satires of Christianty and other religions on this board, and I don't think many people have complained. Car-fucious say you auto lighten up.

Biffy the Elephant Shrew
08-09-2006, 02:32 PM
Let's just do what people do when they wanna tell ethnic jokes--change it to your own group (I substitute hillbilly or Kentuckian).
Sure, 'n if ye go a-makin' sport o' my ethnic group, Oi'll whack ye with me shillelagh, Oi will.

Lemur866
08-09-2006, 02:40 PM
So, who will be the first with a "CalMeacham say" joke?


OK. Sir Rhosis walks into a bar, sidles up to the barkeep and says, "Hey, wanna hear a CalMeacham joke?"

The barkeep looks him over. "I'll have you know that I'm CalMeacham. And those 3 bikers over there? They're CalMeacham too. And that nervous little guy with the suspicious lump under his coat is CalMeacham too. And all my other customers as well. We're all CalMeacham, so perhaps you better reconsider telling that CalMeacham joke."

Sir Rhosis says, "Oh, don't worry. I'll tell it slowly."

Sir Rhosis
08-09-2006, 02:45 PM
^^^:D FTR, I have never sidled in my life!!! How does one sidle, anyway? Step and slide. Or is it stepping while idling?

Biffy--shillelagh?

Sir Rhosis

O, to the OP, sorry for the hijack, on with the show.

OneCentStamp
08-09-2006, 02:51 PM
Biffy--shillelagh?
Irish term for a stick. One commonly used for...well...smacking people.

CalMeacham
08-09-2006, 03:12 PM
OK. Sir Rhosis walks into a bar, sidles up to the barkeep and says, "Hey, wanna hear a CalMeacham joke?"

The barkeep looks him over. "I'll have you know that I'm CalMeacham. And those 3 bikers over there? They're CalMeacham too. And that nervous little guy with the suspicious lump under his coat is CalMeacham too. And all my other customers as well. We're all CalMeacham, so perhaps you better reconsider telling that CalMeacham joke."

Sir Rhosis says, "Oh, don't worry. I'll tell it slowly."


I know CalMeacham. I went to school with CalMeacham. Ain't none o' youse CalMeachams.

Colophon
08-09-2006, 03:57 PM
"I'm CalMeacham, and so is my wife!"


CalMeacham say, man who move to Russian countryside take giant steppe

Inigo Montoya
08-09-2006, 04:26 PM
CalMeacham say, he who run behind car get exhausted.

OneCentStamp
08-09-2006, 04:47 PM
CalMeacham say, he who run behind car get exhausted.
Yes, but he who run in front of car get tired. :D

Mister Rik
08-09-2006, 06:40 PM
Re: the "man who keep feet on the ground" -

It's usually "keep both feet on the ground".

Another variation of the joke:

"Show me a man with both feet on the ground and I'll show you a man who can't put on his pants."

Colibri
08-09-2006, 07:01 PM
Sure, 'n if ye go a-makin' sport o' my ethnic group, Oi'll whack ye with me shillelagh, Oi will.

Funny you should say that.

In the New York Daily News there used to be a one-panel comic strip called Ching Chow that had a stereotypical "Chinaman" with slanty eyes and a queue who spouted clever Confucan-type sayings (not risque, though). This being non-PC, he has been replaced by a stereotypical Irishman (supposed to be a leprechaun, I think) called Mr. Lucky who says the exact same things (though in a brogue instead of pidgin).

rjung
08-09-2006, 08:09 PM
Confucius say, "The way of the superior man is threefold, but I am not equal to it. Virtuous, he is free from anxieties; wise, he is free from perplexities; bold, he is free from fear."

OK, it's not funny. But Confucius did (http://www.humanistictexts.org/confucius.htm#_Toc483366191) say it!
The silly thing is, when I was a tot, I wanted to learn about the real Confucius, so I bought one of those "Confucius Says" joke books in the mistaken belief that it was a book of genuine quotes...

Nic2004
08-09-2006, 08:36 PM
Confucius say, When man make love to woman, energy go to waist.

Johnny L.A.
08-09-2006, 09:37 PM
Confucius say, When man make love to woman, energy go to waist.
Or as my dad used to say: If you ain't usin' it, build a shed over it.

Bren_Cameron
08-09-2006, 10:39 PM
Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.

Draax
08-10-2006, 10:39 AM
It is good for girl to meet boy in park, but better for boy to park meat in girl.

vivalostwages
08-10-2006, 11:15 AM
It takes many nails to build crib…but only one screw to fill it.

Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.

Man who sit on tack get point.

Man who leaps from tall building, jumps to conclusion.

Foolish man give wife grand piano. Wise man give wife upright organ.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

They just get worse and worse, don't they?

Chronos
08-10-2006, 01:07 PM
Irish term for a stick. One commonly used for...well...smacking people.Specifically, it's a blackthorn walking stick, made according to the traditional methods used for ceremonial warhammers. But it's emphatically not a weapon... You wouldn't confiscate an old man's walking stick, would you? The fact that the big knobby handle is perfect for knocking English bastards upside the head is, of course, pure coincidence.

Nic2004
08-10-2006, 01:16 PM
Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
Man who lives in glass house should take hot showers

Dr. Rieux
08-10-2006, 01:34 PM
Re: the "man who keep feet on the ground" -

It's usually "keep both feet on the ground".

Another variation of the joke:

"Show me a man with both feet on the ground and I'll show you a man who can't put on his pants."
"A Conservative is a man with both feet planted firmly on the ground, rendering him incapable of any forward movement."

Cal Meacham say: "Author who is always picking nose becomes big success in Sinus Friction."

saoirse
08-11-2006, 12:01 AM
Sorry to be the bearer of cold water, but it's my $0.02.

:: puts hands over nipples ::

Confucius say penis has hole in end so man can be open minded.

Otanx
08-01-2009, 03:48 AM
Man who lives in glass house should not play naked twister with farm animals.

C K Dexter Haven
08-01-2009, 07:13 AM
Moderator comments:
Otanx has noticed that the prior post to this thread was from 2006, so it's a three years old zombie. We don't normally care much about such resurrections in Cafe Society forum, but please be aware that some of the earlier posters might not be around any more, and might not respond to newer comments.

Please note:
- IF you have "Confucius say" jokes that you want explained, it's OK to post them here.
- HOWEVER, if you just want to share such jokes (e.g., Otanx's post), they probably belong in the Game Room (a forum that didn't exist when this thread was started)

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