View Full Version : The Ultimate Pick-Me-Up Thread

03-21-2001, 10:27 AM
No, guys, I didn’t say Pick Up thread. (Though if that happens here, who am I to disagree! :D )

I’ve noticed that a lot of people seem to be either going through some hard times or are on the downswing of their depression right now and might need a little pick me up. I know the hugs, jokes, and flirts I received when I started my pick-me-up thread (http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?threadid=64106) helped, even if only for a little while. So, come in here if you need a hug, a flirt, a joke (though I’m not as good at those as others are). I’ll be happy to give you what you need (no one turned down) And if I can’t help, I’m sure there are plenty of other Dopers wandering through the thread that could try to help make you feel better…

… if only for a little while.

03-21-2001, 10:36 AM
You know, yesterday was spring equinox. The days keeps getting longer and longer, and every so often the sun wakes me up. And I just landed a great summer job, which is going to be tons of fun. Sure, there are still stupid stuff going on in my life that I'd rather just forget about, but on the whole, I'd say that things are definitely looking up.
And Pisces? Consider yourself hugged!

03-21-2001, 11:31 AM
Thank you, Soda. Much appreciated and much needed. And one right back at you. I actually started this thread because I know, for me, anyway, that I focus less on my own problems when I have others to help out. So, I figured why not here!

I'm glad everything is on the upswing for you! But if you get down and need to talk, my e-mail is ALWAYS open.

03-21-2001, 12:10 PM
Well I've felt like loser for the past week, ever since I started looking for a new job, well, more like scrambling for a new job. There are only a few positions open in my field, which means it could easily take a few months to find the right job. A few months! I can't be without work for that long. So last night I started applying for waitressing positions (in the rain, how's that for appropriate?). Not that there's anything wrong with serving, heck I'll make better money, but it just seems like a step backwards in my career, ya know? To go from a great job in my field to waiting tables.

What's worse? I don't know if I'll even get a serving job in time. And I just overdrafted my checking account yesterday, even though, according to my records I still had a few bucks in the account. AAAAHHHH!

Well, just reading the previous posts makes me feel a little beter. Well, that's the stuff. Thanks for listening.

03-21-2001, 12:24 PM

I can't say I know exactly how you feel, because I haven't had to take that particular walk yet, but I can and do sympathize.

And since I can't do any more than that, let me just offer you one more...


Spider Woman
03-21-2001, 02:20 PM
Here (http://www.mnworks.org/jsli.cfm) is a link to Minnesota's Job Bank, which is where I find over half my leads. You can create an on-line resume at the site and apply for many of the jobs by clicking a button. Others provide you with e-mail addresses, and/or mailing addresses.

Good luck, and I hope that picks you up a bit!

Nice idea for a thread, True Pices!


03-21-2001, 02:32 PM
Yep, I be on the downswing. Plus just a lot of other shit in my life is going wrong. Not going to go into detail because it's petty, it's stupid, and I know how much people hate whining.

This weekend and week have been hell. If I had my way, I'd go home right now and cry for the rest of the night. :(

Jonathan Chance
03-21-2001, 02:59 PM
Nothing to really add here except a quote from my favorite band.

From 'Marianne' by Cowboy Mouth
If I could breathe your breath
And if I could hold your smile
If I could dry your eyes
If only for a little while
Then you might see me here
Wanting to hold your hand
Wanting to be your world

OK, so no one is named 'Marianne'. It's still a nice sentiment for this thread. And I mean it, too!

03-21-2001, 03:26 PM
Thanks for everything guys. . .

Spid-y, That is a great link! Thanks for the heads-up!

03-21-2001, 07:21 PM
Spider Woman - Thanks! I figured we could use something like this... I'm glad it's appreciated!

Falcon - {{{{Falcon}}}} Hon, I started this thread to use in whichever way best suits you to feel better. If you want to rant and rage and whine and cry, do it. *I'LL* understand, and give you lots of hugs.

Jonathan Chance - That was perfect! Thank you for posting it! (And I may change my name to Marianne, just for the hell of it! ;) )

racerx - ANY time. {{{racerx}}}

03-21-2001, 07:27 PM
TP - Most of it involves people here on the board. I can't tell why I'm upset without using said names, and I won't do that. Rest is my mother. And there's nothing I can do there. :(

I've been crying for a while now, though. My face should look GREAT for work tomorrow.

Fairy Princess Kitty
03-21-2001, 08:47 PM
*huggles Falcon* I know that it might not help much, but having been through, still going through actually, problems with mom, I know it can be really painful and hard on ya. I'm not sure if it helps any but I just wanted you to know that there are a lot of people out here that love you.

"I can't find a reason to let go
Even though you've found a new love
And she's the one your dreams are made of
I can find a reason to hang on
What went wrong can be forgiven
Without you it ain't worth living...alone"

I know that it's petty but it's the way I feel. The one guy I really fell in love with, actually let myself trust, is with someone else. It shouldn't bug me as much as it does, and I really am happy for them, they seem so happy together. But seeing them together just starts this little ache, because I want him back so much. I'm sorry I'm whining... I'll go now


03-21-2001, 09:26 PM
Falcon, Then that, I can understand. But if you ever just want someone to vent to, my mailbox is always open. Standing invitation for all.

poohpah chalupa
03-21-2001, 09:32 PM
Originally posted by Falcon
...a lot of...shit in my life is going wrong...
...I think you've got it bad, I'm a life-long Chicago Bears fan...try pinning your NFL hopes on Cade McNown's arm.
Seriously, I don't know what's going on, hon, but you are sooo loved around here. I just don't get:
...most of it involves people here on the boards...
I seriously hope that no one is intentionally causing you hurt Falcon because you are sooo undeserving of such behavior. I will personally crack the skulls of any individuals participating in this conduct.
You know I think the world of you sweetie...heck, I even bid a bajillion dollars (plus chocolates) for you at the slave auction (although, admittedly, selfishly, the idea of having you as my personal slave actually sent my libido spinning into the stratosphere).
(I was never notified whether or not I won, BTW)
I hope that whatever is troubling you, here on the boards and there at home, is but a temporary setback to the force of nature that you are. If there is anything that I can do to help, please drop me a line and let me know.


03-21-2001, 09:49 PM
TP: Check your email.

poopah: No hon....no one is intentionally hurting me. But thank you, dear one. My problems here will go away somehow. My problems at home....are much deeper. And one day I'll be able to leave them as well. I hope. (I'm a 25 year old woman, and my mother thinks I'm still 14. *sighs*)

Thank you both. (And FPK too. {{{FPK}}})

03-22-2001, 06:15 AM
Falcon - Checked and answered. {{{FALCON}}} (And one of these days, I'll commiserate with you on the home situation... 27 being treated like 16!!! I can't WAIT to get out! ;) )

03-22-2001, 06:49 AM
But if you ever just want someone to vent to, my mailbox is always open. Standing invitation for all.

Ditto for me! I can't explain why (and I HAVE been asked by Astrofiancee!), but you guys are like family to me.

If you need to vent, or want advice (keep in mind that my advice, drunken as it is, is MORE than somewhat suspect! My life has yet to be a resounding success... but, what the hell, I like it anyhow!:) ) please feel free to e-mail.

If nothing else, I can commiserate!

03-23-2001, 04:48 PM
Dealing with the step-mom has taken a turn for the worst again, and it's gotten me feeling a little angry, a little hopeless, and more sure than ever that I've got to get out! (Please, please, PLEASE let me make it until August when I should have the money to move!) I've spent most of the day today being "responsible"... doing my budget, balancing my checkbook, cleaning my room, helping my dad clean the rest of the house... and I know... I know that when she gets home, it won't be good enough for her. I was planning on stopping at Boston Market for dinner when I got out of my (what was supposed to be) hour at work today, but that hour ended up being 30 minutes, and they weren't open. So no reheated Boston Market. I'm planning on making dinner instead, but I have a feeling she won't let me do that, either. I just don't know how to please this woman, when everything I doesn't seem good enough. And I'm tired of having to hide how I'm really feeling about things (like if I'm having a bad day at work and come home angry) because she tells me I have an attitude or that I'm moping (when the depression hits) I have to plaster a fake smile on my face and pretend to be in a good mood, and try not to let her hear when I cry myself to sleep at night. I'm tired of not being able to be me, and of the real me not being good enough. I just don't know what to do other than pray that August comes quickly.

Sorry about the rant, guys... I just had to get it off my chest, and I figured this thread was as good a place as any (especially since I almost did it in Whammo's What are you good for? (http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?threadid=64616) thread. But I erased what I wrote 3 times and became innocuous instead and took it over here... Seemed more appropriate, somehow.

Spider Woman
03-23-2001, 05:10 PM
----\:)/ x o x o x

////\\\\ ////\\\\ ////\\\\ ////\\\\
x o x o x o x o x o x o x o x o x o

Extra hugs and kisses to last you until August.

Fairy Princess Kitty
03-23-2001, 09:44 PM
Originally posted by TruePisces
... and I know... I know that when she gets home, it won't be good enough for her. I just don't know how to please this woman, when everything I doesn't seem good enough. And I'm tired of having to hide how I'm really feeling about things (like if I'm having a bad day at work and come home angry) because she tells me I have an attitude or that I'm moping (when the depression hits) I have to plaster a fake smile on my face and pretend to be in a good mood, and try not to let her hear when I cry myself to sleep at night. I'm tired of not being able to be me, and of the real me not being good enough.

*gives TP a BIG hug, almost bursting into tears because she knows what it feels like* I'm so sorry honey. I know it sounds trite but I know what you're going through. I do so much for my parents, I don't get out of school until about 6 most days and then I'm taking a confirmation class from 7 to 9 on Tuesdays and a Princeton review class 4 to 6 on Fridays, 9-12:30 on Saturdays. All to make my parents happy, and I'm getting to the point where I don't know if I could ever make them proud of me. It's not like they rant and rave about how horribly I'm doing, but I never get told that I'm doing fine, or that I'm doing a good job.
But I'm almost getting used to that... I get the support that I need from my friends. At least I used to. My best friend is always with her boyfriend, it almost seems like I don't have a best friend anymore. I don't mind, after the boyfriends that she's had she really deserves a guy like the one she has now. I just wish that I had someone to really talk to now that she may as well be gone. I thought that I still had Danny, he's an ex-boyfriend but we were still friends. Even with him, I need hugs to make me feel better, I need that physical reassurance that everything is going to be alright and he just shrugs out of the hugs that I need. So I'm left pretending to be someone I'm not, smiling to the world and acting like nothing's wrong. Inside I'm all torn up and bleeding, but I could never shoe that to anyone at school because "Bebe doesn't cry, she's not emotional like that." Then I get home and my mom tells me that I shouldn't feel the way I feel. She tells me that I shouldn't be pressured to do anything at school, I shouldn't be sad about my ex-boyfriend(whom I still love) and I shouldn't show any emotional at all because that's showing a weakness. So no matter where I turn I can't show any emotioon at all and it's just killing me inside, and every little emotion that I have I direct inward even though I know that it's not healthy. I hate myself, I can't stand the person that I've become. I'm sorry, but I needed somewhere to write this all. It doesn't really help because I know that no matter how well meaning all of you are, no one can be there for me at school or at home when I really need it. I appreciate it if anyone even cares enough to say anything.... but I don't know, I just had to put it down somewhere, even though the keyboard has been seen through a haze of tears this entire time.


03-23-2001, 10:00 PM
{{{True Pisces}}}


03-23-2001, 10:16 PM
I didn't bother reading much of this because too much bad news bums me out but too much good news triggers a diabetic coma, so I'll just hand out {{{{{HUGS!}}}}} to thems what needs 'em and {{{{{GRAB ASS}}}}} to the rest of yez.

But my mailbox is open, too. I actually am a pretty good listener. I know because girls would always tell me the troubles they were having with their boyfriends and I wouldn't hit on them even though I wanted to and they'd say, "Mike, you're such a good listener!"

03-24-2001, 06:29 AM

First of all, showing emotions does NOT show weakness. It shows you're a human being. Crying all the time isn't good either, but please, please, please... don't bottle up your emotions. I've known people who have and they've become emotional eunichs. If you feel like crying, do. If you feel like being angry, do. If you feel like being happy and singing outloud, do. If you want to show it to the world once in awhile, then do. Find SOME outlet to be yourself, before you lose who you are.

No, the boards don't quite offer the same reassurances as RL. I can't REALLY put my arms around you and give you the hug you so richly need. But it does help release a little of the anger and frustration sometimes. I know where you're coming from with not having someone there physically. My one best friend is a teacher, works at Publix on the weekends, and is newly engaged. I don't see her as often as I'd like, and sometimes I feel like she's putting me back in a corner because she needs the time to spend with her finace'. And my other best friend happens to be 1200 miles away. But I still use him as my sounding board when I'm upset. Sometimes a voice, a few words on a screen... they really DO help when you need it. So if you feel the need to vent, need a shoulder, need some advice... either post in this thread, or drop me an e-mail. My box is ALWAYS open. I may not have all the answers, and I may say things a little clumsily sometimes, but I try to have a good heart, in the right place and I try to help as best I can. Sometimes it may be as simple as a virtual hug, sometimes it might be as long as a 30 paragraph letter. But I will be there if you need to talk. Remember that.

{{{FPK}}} (once more for good measure! :) )

Spider Woman - Thank you, thank you, thank you! That should help tremendously.

Odieman - I needed that. Thanks, Keith.

dropzone - Can I take one of each? ;) (The hug is the important one at the moment, though)

03-24-2001, 12:32 PM
I'm having one of those days where I just feel like screaming. My (*^&#%$*^ mother emailed me yesterday sayign she had sent an email to my home address with stuff she wanted to talk about. This was at 2pm AT WORK! Why the FUCK does she do this? So I go home and read it, and it's another treatise on "you really need to open up more, and find friends near you...." What can I even say back. I don't open up because nothing is ever just a conversation with her. Everything I say gets turned against me somehow. I can't even tell her I got in touch with an old high school friend because then it becomes "well, YOU could get a masters, you know." I don't WANT one! When the hell do I get to be who I want? And she's coming for a week at Easter. A holiday I don't believe in, where I have to go to a church I depise, and have her badger me to join a church again.

I considered going somewhere today, but now....why bother. I hate the way I look. I hate being fat, and yet I can't bring myself to stop eating. And so my parents get even MORE intrusive because "my weight is everyone's problem." I hate being alone so much, and I keep it all inside because otherwise I'm whining, or one of the bitter single people on here. I thought I was done being bitter and single for a while....now, I know I'll always be that way. I think I've just given up hope.

Sorry for this being long....

03-24-2001, 06:44 PM

We could be sharing the same life right now, hon. I wish I could give you answers on how to make it easier, but I can't. (I'm having a hard time figuring them out on my end) But lots and lots of hugs going your way, and whenever you feel the need to rant, you know how to reach me.

03-24-2001, 06:52 PM
Best way to get happier is to laugh. I thought Id see some jokes here. Hmmm

03-24-2001, 06:57 PM
Originally posted by handy
Best way to get happier is to laugh. I thought Id see some jokes here. Hmmm

You're right. We should do something about that.

But I can't tell a joke to save my life! Anyone got any good ones to share?

03-24-2001, 07:05 PM
TruePisces, sweetie, my email is open to you, you've got my cell number, I think, and if not, email me and I'll give you numbers to reach me. I may not be really close, but I'm not 1200 miles away, either. Or I could call you on my cell, 'cause it's no long distance anywhere in FL and I have more minutes than I can use in a month.

FairyPrincessKitty, same offer to you, and I wish I was there to give you a hug and to let you cry all over me if you wanted to. Besides, any little sister of Welfy's is a little sister of mine, ya know.

Falcon, you're a wonderful person and deserve to be so much happier. I wish you had a better self-image, but I know your family situation probably has a lot to do with what you see when you look in the mirror. When I look at your picture, I just see someone I want to hug. You're a beautiful person. And if your family would let you be happy with who you are, maybe you wouldn't want to eat, so next time she tells you that "your weight is everyone's problem," tell her she's right, it is, and if she wants to help, butt out. Email me any time, or let me know if you want numbers to call me.

racerx, I don't know what your field is, but I'm sure you're damned good at what you do and it won't take you any time at all to get a new job! And if it takes a while, then I'm sure you'll be damned good at waitressing until you do get that job in your field!

God, I hate seeing such wonderful people so sad! Sorry, can't think of any jokes....

03-24-2001, 07:10 PM

03-24-2001, 07:21 PM
Originally posted by TroubleAgain
TruePisces, sweetie, my email is open to you, you've got my cell number, I think, and if not, email me and I'll give you numbers to reach me. I may not be really close, but I'm not 1200 miles away, either. Or I could call you on my cell, 'cause it's no long distance anywhere in FL and I have more minutes than I can use in a month.

Thank you, hon. And you know, I just might take you up on it, too...

poohpah chalupa
03-24-2001, 10:48 PM
Originally posted by Falcon
I thought I was done being bitter and single for a while....now, I know I'll always be that way. I think I've just given up hope.
Dearheart...I know family is family and what they say has an impact on your life. It always will.
But pleasepleaseplease take a moment and listen to others' words as well. If you can believe what you hear from your mother's lips, then believe what others have written here: You are special.

I don't understand why people insist on using words to hurt instead of heal...but, as a parent myself, I'm guessing that your mother isn't intentionally trying to upset or provoke you. I'm certain that she cares a great deal, but simply can't communicate her thoughts to you in a constructive way. I've seen it with my wife and daughter...their relationship right now is so damaged that it may be beyond repair. Yet there isn't any question that my wife loves our daughter. And she would give anything just to know that our daughter knew that.
I'm hoping that your mother feels the same way...that somehow, if she only knew that your future happiness and security was assured, she would let it all go.

And I'll repeat what I've said here before: You are loved and admired by sooo many, here on the boards and, I'm certain, in the "real world" as well. Yes, I don't know you personally, only what I've read here and in our IM. But like I said, I'm a fairly perceptive guy...I'm willing to bet I'm not far off when I admit I think you're a kind, thoughtful, beautiful, loving woman...you have my undying admiration and love.

I hope for you only good things and, as always, my email is open to you any time.


Spider Woman
03-25-2001, 05:52 AM
----\:)/ x o x o x

////\\\\ ////\\\\ ////\\\\ ////\\\\
x o x o x o x o x o x o x o x o x o
Extra hugs and kisses

I have been a little down lately too, but I keep holding on to the thought that spring is coming. Hang in there, everybody.

03-25-2001, 07:13 AM
About being bitter, and single, and giving up that it will always be that way.

I felt that way last year. I'm also a bit older than you. Now I've learned it may not be true.

You've heard "When you don't look, you find". Last year I thought that was a load of shit. Now I'm not that sure.

You're too young to give up.

03-25-2001, 07:34 AM
Originally posted by lurkernomore
You're too young to give up.

I'm glad you're finally realizing that you aren't either.

No one ever is. And you are so worth it all.


03-25-2001, 08:43 AM
I didn't open this before, having dyslexically read that it was a Pick-up thread.

I don't have much to add to what has been said, so let me just send you a great big collective group hug.


And a special hug for my Falcon, who is the most special, wonderful person. I wish I could make you see how truly beautiful, gifted and marvelous a person you are.


Thank you, TruePisces, for starting this thread.


03-25-2001, 02:45 PM
Before I turn this into the Falcon thread....

I'm not too young to give up, lurker. I thought I had found "it" twice, and got burned. I can't....no, I won't be a fool by continuing to hold out hope for something I can't get.

Plenty of women make it through life single. I'll just be one of them. :(

03-25-2001, 03:01 PM
Originally posted by Falcon
Before I turn this into the Falcon thread....

I'm not too young to give up, lurker. I thought I had found "it" twice, and got burned. I can't....no, I won't be a fool by continuing to hold out hope for something I can't get.

Plenty of women make it through life single. I'll just be one of them. :(

Stop it right now.

I mean it.

Falcon, hon, lurker is right. You ARE to young to give up, and you DON'T have to go through life single. Especially not when you have so much to give. Honey, life is about trial and error. Sometimes there's more down than good, but when you find the good... then it's so, so much sweeter. It may hurt to set yourself out there for the potential of getting burned again... and it makes you want to hide even deeper if you do. But you can't go back behind the wall, not letting anyone in to see you. Because then you're hurting yourself, and denying yourself the chance at happiness. And the chance for someone special to be happy with you. And that's not fair to either one of you.

You are so special, Falcon. So wonderful and giving and caring. And that's partly why you hurt as much as you do, and that's a lot of what makes you worth waiting for the best to come around. There is someone out there who will make you smile more than you cry, but be there when the tears fall and wipe them from your eyes tenderly. You may have met him already, you may not have. But it will happen. Maybe circumstances just aren't right yet. Maybe it's a man that has some growing up to do between now and the time you finally realize he's the one. Maybe you have some changes to make (not better, not worse, just changes) There's nothing wrong with that. Everything has a purpose, and everything has a time. I, personally, have gone through a lot of shit in my life, and I still am. I think I may have found that special someone, but I don't know yet. But, even if I end up hurt from it (like I was from my last relationship), I'll have been glad to have the experience, because it's made me a better, stronger person. Just think of it that way. Don't stop crying, or hurting... don't brush it off. But let the experience teach you rather than crush you. I know you can be strong enough to do it.

And you don't have to do it alone. Friends may not be the same as having that special someone in your life, but they can help you through the good and the bad just as much. Use them for the support system they want to be. Don't try to go it alone, because, ultimately, you'll end up more hurt than you would if you gave it a chance and embrassed the possibilities.


And you know where to get more of those if you need them.

03-25-2001, 03:06 PM
Oh, and another thing...

Don't worry about it turning into the Falcon thread. I started it for anyone to use, as much as they need. If you need it now, and no one else happens to (or will admit to it by posting here), then use it to vent. I sure don't plan on stopping doing so, even if I'm the only one who ever posts when I need it! And if y'all don't like it, tough kanoogies! :) So post if you need it, dear. That's what it's here for.

And Scotti - that's why I put the first line in the Op! ;) No thanks are needed, btw. I did it b/c I felt it needed it.

Eo Echo
03-25-2001, 05:21 PM
Originally posted by Falcon
Plenty of women make it through life single. I'll just be one of them. :(

What a horrible thing to think! And so unnecessary. Hey Falc, remeber that life is long. You've got a lot of time, so quit talking "forevers."

Since I'm not big on virtual hugging (my slash keys stick, y'know), I'm toasting my SoCo to you, and to everyone else here who's feeling down. I feel for you.

03-25-2001, 05:56 PM
Originally posted by Falcon
Before I turn this into the Falcon thread....

I'm not too young to give up, lurker.

Nope. Can't give up until 40 ::D&R::

Plenty of women make it through life single. I'll just be one of them. :(

Maybe you will, maybe you won't. Mid-20s (right?) is too early to decide that, though.

03-25-2001, 06:02 PM
Originally posted by lurkernomore
Originally posted by Falcon
Before I turn this into the Falcon thread....

I'm not too young to give up, lurker.

Nope. Can't give up until 40 ::D&R::


I won't listen to it from you, either!!!!!!!

*walks away grumbling "40, my ass. 140, maybe!"*

03-25-2001, 06:26 PM
Originally posted by Falcon
Before I turn this into the Falcon thread....

I'm not too young to give up, lurker. I thought I had found "it" twice, and got burned. I can't....no, I won't be a fool by continuing to hold out hope for something I can't get.

Plenty of women make it through life single. I'll just be one of them. :(

Well, I hope you are wrong, Falcon. Everyone deserves love in their lives.

When in such moods I search through quote sites myself. I find it somewhat comforting to look at my problem and finding a quote by Socrates. Means I'm not in it alone. So here are a few I found. Hope they provoke some thought or life some spirits.

Love is like pi -- natural, irrational, and very important.

~ Lisa Hoffman ~

No winter lasts forever; no spring skips it's turn.

~ Hal Borland ~

In order to have great happiness, you have to have great pain and unhappiness-otherwise how would you know when you're happy?
~ Leslie Caron ~

We should be careful to get out of an experience only the
wisdom that is in it -- and stop there; lest we be like the cat that sits down on a hot stove-lid. She will never sit down on a hot stove-lid again -- and that is well; but also she will never sit down on a cold one any more. --Mark Twain

And a big <hug> to you all.

Arden Ranger
03-25-2001, 07:16 PM
Thank you, TruePisces!

40. *Humph* Let me tell you something lurkernomore, I'm closing in on 40 and I'm not giving up on *anything*!

The Significantly Younger Lover thinks he's not getting enough sleep *now*. Just wait!

Oh, and Hi, Verrain! Welcome to the boards :D

But you knew I'd say something

03-25-2001, 08:49 PM
Closed in on it year before last, myself. That was a dig at me. And you don't HAVE to give up, just you can.

You can give it to SYL as much as you want.

Arden Ranger
03-25-2001, 08:52 PM
Oh, I do, believe me. ;)

03-26-2001, 02:38 AM
Like Racer, I overspent, and now I'm -$77 in my checking account. Actually, my car payment went through before my paycheck did, but they'll still fine me out the ass.

And this guy of mine, I've been seeing him but not really for about 2 years now. We don't have a serious relationship (more of friends with benfits), but when we're bored and/or horny, we hook up. He's getting engaged. Everytime I hear it, my heart just drops. It's just too much to grasp.

And Betsy's pregnant. She's only 16!! I've known her for years, since she was 14, and she's always been like a little sister to me. And now she's 6 months pregnant? Damn.

Rashad's falling deeper into his depression, which scares me. He feels he's a failure, especially since FSU refused his tryout. His last 3 girlfriends didn't last, and every time I talk to him, he's worse than before. I can't even talk about anything happy in my life to him anymore, he takes it like I'm rubbng it in his face. I'm terrified one of these rejections will be the last straw, and he'll lose it altogether.

03-26-2001, 05:13 PM

Sounds like you do have a lot on your mind right now. I wish I could do more than just give hugs... wish I could fix it all. They're all tough situations. (Though, my thought when I read about the overdraft was try going down to the bank manager and talking about it, and kinda start crying while you do. Worked for me once, though it wasn't my intention when I started. I'm just overly emotional sometimes!) The others... Lots more hugs! It sounds like a lot of trying to help others, in at least half of it. And that's hard, I know. But if you need to vent further, or just want to talk it out, my mailbox is open. I may not have answers, but I can try!


03-26-2001, 09:20 PM
Blackclaw stumbles in, a thousand yard stare in his eyes. He begins to mumble.

Mind numbing project at work. Developer reduced to no longer programming, just typing. A trained, blind, one armed monkey with an artificial lung could do my job. Company starts laying off folks tomorrow. Wife has endometrioses. She's feeling better, but no kids for us. Doing tax forms. They suck. And you people. You people don't seem to think I exist. Didn't even get one reply in give me a sig thread. Sure I was hijacking someone else's request for a thread. But if I'd started my own would I have gotten responses.. no. Cause I'm not all pretty and charming. I didn't even get yelled at for the attempted hijack. No Nothing. Nada. I don't exist. I don't mean any of this of course. Excuse me, I have to go now. Aliens have stolen my brain.

Blackclaw stumbles back out...

03-26-2001, 09:54 PM
Blackclaw, I'm sorry. :(

I'll be honest. I didn't even read the thread that you hijacked (I don't think I did anyway... I don't remember what I've read and what I haven't read) If I could think of a really cool sig, I'd give you one right now. But I can't think of really cool sigs. (That's why mine suck) Let me think about it for a few days and get back to you, ok? I'll find something good. (Or at least I'll try!!!)

I wish I could do something about the rest. Taxes DO suck, and so do layoffs. And the endometriosis... I had a friend with it at my last job. I'm sorry. But I'm glad she's feeling better.

And let me at those aliens. I'll get them to give you your brain back! :D

Ad Noctum
03-26-2001, 10:07 PM
well.. This has to be one of the shittiest years of my life. my sister moved out (which IMPROVED our relationship) my parents are getting divorced, and it's the NASTIEST divorce I've ever heard of, my mom fucked my neighbor (who was my best friend (42y/o) and hunting and fishing buddy) and school sucks royal ass because my teachers are pricks.

I think I need a hug?

03-26-2001, 10:13 PM
Originally posted by Ad Noctum
well.. This has to be one of the shittiest years of my life. my sister moved out (which IMPROVED our relationship) my parents are getting divorced, and it's the NASTIEST divorce I've ever heard of, my mom fucked my neighbor (who was my best friend (42y/o) and hunting and fishing buddy) and school sucks royal ass because my teachers are pricks.

I think I need a hug?

Most definitely!

{{{Ad Noctum}}}

More on demand! ;)

03-26-2001, 10:26 PM
That really does suck, Blackclaw. I feel your pain. Taxes - bad. Medical problems - bad. People ignoring you on here? Real bad. You have my sympathies.

I'm sure if you had posted such a thread, all the ladies would have been all over ya. I haven't fit in here yet either, but I think the way to go is flirt, flirt, flirt, and worry about other stuff later. (Like sounding intelligent. Someday I'll do that, but not today.)


Spider Woman
03-27-2001, 05:54 AM
////Everyone else\\\\

I hope life improves for everyone.

03-27-2001, 05:58 AM
Originally posted by Spider Woman
////Everyone else\\\\

I hope life improves for everyone.

Spider Woman, let me just say that you are totally awesome and wonderful and such a great hug giver! Even without needing it in particular this morning, this has just brightened up my day!

Thank you!!!!!!!

03-27-2001, 06:39 AM
Thanks folks.

TruePisces is that my brain you have there? Funny I remember it being larger. It still fits! Those aliens won't be messing with me anymore!

03-27-2001, 07:27 AM
Originally posted by Blackclaw
Thanks folks.

TruePisces is that my brain you have there? Funny I remember it being larger. It still fits! Those aliens won't be messing with me anymore!

Blackclaw, might I suggest the following favorite quotes as possible .sig potential. If nothing else it might get a chuckle out of some of you, so it still fits.

<Hugs> to you all.

"Using words to describe magic is like using a screwdriver to cut roast beef."
--Tom Robbins

"What I look forward to is continued immaturity followed by death."
--Dave Barry

"The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds the most discoveries, is not 'Eureka!', but 'That's funny...'."
--Isaac Asimov

I'm reading this great book:
How to Catch a Tiger by Claude Bauls
Self Denistry by Ima Driller
Home Eye Exams by Dr. I.M. Blurd


03-28-2001, 07:57 AM

Thanks for the suggestions. I really like you own sig the best actually. I think I'm going to have to stop trying to push my sig responsibility off on others and step up to the plate and steal my own. :)

03-28-2001, 07:28 PM
Originally posted by Blackclaw

Thanks for the suggestions. I really like you own sig the best actually. I think I'm going to have to stop trying to push my sig responsibility off on others and step up to the plate and steal my own. :)

Well you are more than welcome to steal my .sig. That's how I got it. :)

And now the prerequiste thing to make this on topic, a joke.

A lawyer's dog, running about unleashed, b-lines for
the local butcher shop and steals a roast off the
counter. The butcher goes to the lawyer's office and
asks, "if a dog, running unleashed, steals a piece
of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand
payment for the meat from the dog's owner?"
"Absolutely," the lawyer responded.
The butcher immediately shot back, "Good! You owe me
$7.99 for the roast your dog stole from me this
The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a
check for $7.99. A few days later, the butcher,
browsing through his mail, finds an envelope from the
The contents read "Bill for consultation: $25.00."

poohpah chalupa
03-28-2001, 08:03 PM
Originally posted by TruePisces
...Especially not when you have so much to give. Honey, life is about trial and error...You are so special, Falcon. So wonderful and giving and caring. And that's partly why you hurt as much as you do, and that's a lot of what makes you worth waiting for the best to come around...Friends may not be the same as having that special someone in your life, but they can help you through the good and the bad just as much...[/B]
Thank you, TruePisces, for putting so eloquently all of my thoughts about this truly wonderful young lady...
I'd have quoted the entire post, but that tends to piss a lot of people off.

TP, you are fast becoming one of my favorite posters here.

03-28-2001, 08:45 PM
Originally posted by poohpah chalupa
Thank you, TruePisces, for putting so eloquently all of my thoughts about this truly wonderful young lady...

Only what's the truth. But I'm glad to see more people think it. Now if we can just get FALCON to realize it too!

Are you listening, my friend?

[/b]TP, you are fast becoming one of my favorite posters here. [/B]

*blush* But I'm not doing anything!


03-28-2001, 08:52 PM
Originally posted by TruePisces
Originally posted by poohpah chalupa
Thank you, TruePisces, for putting so eloquently all of my thoughts about this truly wonderful young lady...

Only what's the truth. But I'm glad to see more people think it. Now if we can just get FALCON to realize it too!

Are you listening, my friend?

TP, you are fast becoming one of my favorite posters here. [/B]

*blush* But I'm not doing anything!

*blush* [/B]

Most of the wonderful people in this world think the same. :) Little things like a virtual hug when one is needed just brightens the world. I haven't been around long but I second the feelings. :)

03-28-2001, 09:22 PM
OMG do I need a hug.

Let's see...I've discovered my promotion at work meant about a 75% increase in my work. They're having me do supervisor functions w/o the supervisor benefits. The ex-boyfriend has decided to start harassing me by phone=I had to change my cell phone number.(Funny thing is-we both agreed it wasn't exclusive yet he had a hissy fit about my cyberflirting and that's when I said bye bye) It seems most of the men who are attracted to me are either married or have major issues(like the ex). And to top it all off...April 20-which would have been my nephew Craig's 7th birthday is fast approaching. Lately I get home-had to move back in w/ the parents a while back due to financial issues-and I just want to veg out.

HUG ME!!!!!

03-28-2001, 09:29 PM
Originally posted by hardygrrl
OMG do I need a hug.

Let's see...I've discovered my promotion at work meant about a 75% increase in my work. They're having me do supervisor functions w/o the supervisor benefits. The ex-boyfriend has decided to start harassing me by phone=I had to change my cell phone number.(Funny thing is-we both agreed it wasn't exclusive yet he had a hissy fit about my cyberflirting and that's when I said bye bye) It seems most of the men who are attracted to me are either married or have major issues(like the ex). And to top it all off...April 20-which would have been my nephew Craig's 7th birthday is fast approaching. Lately I get home-had to move back in w/ the parents a while back due to financial issues-and I just want to veg out.

HUG ME!!!!!


Sorry to hear life is beating ya about the head and shoulders. Here's hoping things get better. <every finger and toe crossed>

Ma Parrot
03-28-2001, 09:49 PM
I don't take hugs from strangers, but a joke will help me get through the night. Got any about the Oscars?

03-28-2001, 10:18 PM
Originally posted by Ma Parrot
I don't take hugs from strangers, but a joke will help me get through the night. Got any about the Oscars?

Feel free to introduce yourself, then you can accept a hug from a new friend.

Meanwhile, something funny.

Well I loved Steve Martin's instructions to "Please hold all applause until its for me."

And in science news, doctors have learned how to clone a hundred dollar bill and will no longer be needing federal grants.

And here's a real news story I found amusing.

WORK EXPERIENCE: Brian O'Dea of Toronto, Ont., Canada, served his time -- 10 years, for pot smuggling. Now that he's out he wants to go straight: he took out a display ad in the "employment wanted" section headlined "Former Marijuana Smuggler" in the Toronto-based National Post looking for legitimate employment. Qualifications? "Owned and operated a successful fishing business -- multi-vessel, one airplane, one island processing facility," the ad reads. "Simultaneously owned and operated a fleet of tractor-trailer trucks conducting business in the United
States. During this time, I also ... participated in the
executive-level management of 120 people worldwide, in a successful pot smuggling venture with revenues in excess of US$100-million annually."
In an interview with the paper, O'Dea said he hopes "someone will read that ad and realize, jeez, not only did he operate that scheme, but he did it in secret. That shows tremendous coordinating ability."
References? You bet: the ad notes that the U.S. District Attorney will provide one.

Hope this helped. If not let me know. I'll keep trying. :)

03-29-2001, 05:30 AM

I wish there was something I could do to help with any of this. If I was up by you, I'd see if you could sneak me in (with pay, of course) and do that extra 75% of work for you (I wouldn't mind a new job anyway! ;) ) And the ex... Want me to take care of him? I've been told I have a bit of a vicious side when I want! :D As far as the others... well, the only thing I can do is offer you another hug. (Ok, so that's all I can really do for all of them.


Ma Parrot - I'm not very good in the joke department. I leave that up to those with funnier bones than I. I'm more of the hug/flirt with those who want it/kind word department. Can I hold one in reserve until you don't consider me a stranger?

03-29-2001, 06:56 AM
Thanks True Pisces!!!!

You'e such a sweetheart so I'd feel bad subjecting you to my job. :)

And as for the ex...I told him I'd report him to the police if he didn't quit and that seems to have stopped it.

{{{{{True Pisces}}}}}

Right back at ya!

03-29-2001, 08:00 PM
I spent two hours in a dark hot room staring into the void of a microscope looking for little dots in cells that that just weren't there. Accordingly if anyone has perfected the virtual back rub I'd really like to know about it. Meanwhile, some humor!

Red Buttons, appearing on Dennis Miller's Show, announced he was 80 years old, but that 80 is not "old."

Red explained: "Old" is when your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.

"Old" is when the porn you bring home is "Debby Does Dialysis."

"Old" is when your doctor doesn't give you x-rays anymore but just holds you up to the light.

"Old" is when a sexy babe catches your fancy and your
pacemaker opens the garage door nearest your car.

"Old" is when your wife says "Let's go upstairs and make love... You say.."I can't do both."

If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

03-30-2001, 04:41 AM
Originally posted by Verrain
I spent two hours in a dark hot room staring into the void of a microscope looking for little dots in cells that that just weren't there. Accordingly if anyone has perfected the virtual back rub I'd really like to know about it. Meanwhile, some humor!

Well, I haven't perfected it but here's a shot at one.

*massages shoulders and down the back, feeling for every tight muscle and working them out until they're gone*

Does that feel better?

03-30-2001, 07:14 AM
Originally posted by TruePisces
Originally posted by Verrain
I spent two hours in a dark hot room staring into the void of a microscope looking for little dots in cells that that just weren't there. Accordingly if anyone has perfected the virtual back rub I'd really like to know about it. Meanwhile, some humor!

Well, I haven't perfected it but here's a shot at one.

*massages shoulders and down the back, feeling for every tight muscle and working them out until they're gone*

Does that feel better?

The fact the someone tried makes me feel better. :)

More humor! Oh and let me know if think this is humor. No point in this being a pick me up thread if you are not laughing.

"IT HAS LONG BEEN KNOWN"... I didn't look up the original reference.

"A DEFINITE TREND IS EVIDENT"... These data are practically meaningless.

QUESTIONS"... An unsuccessful experiment, but I still hope to get it

results didn't make any sense.

"TYPICAL RESULTS ARE SHOWN"... This is the prettiest graph.

this sometime, if pushed/funded.





"IT IS GENERALLY BELIEVED THAT"... A couple of others think so, too.



FINDINGS"... A wild guess.

"A CAREFUL ANALYSIS OF OBTAINABLE DATA"... Three pages of notes were
obliterated when I knocked over a glass of beer.



CINDY ADAMS FOR VALUABLE DISCUSSIONS"... Mr. Bloggs did the work and
Ms. Adams explained to me what it meant.

topic selected by my committee.

FIELD"... I quit.

03-30-2001, 07:25 AM

Yes, they ARE funny.... Great way to continue my Friday morning! (I think I'm even going to cut and paste them into an e-mail and distribute them to some friends at work... they need a Friday morning pick-me-up!)

03-30-2001, 07:31 AM
Oh, I've got something to pick you up...

Well, at least it'll arch your back!

03-30-2001, 08:12 AM
Things are looking up!

The ex finally backed off and is now no doubt disappointing another woman in bed. Go Mr 2.5 Minutes!

As for the job....I told my boss if he expects me to do HIS work he needs to give me time to do it or I will happily submit crap in his name.

And this morning I had a pleasant surprise in my email.....which I will keep to myself :). Let's just say my theory was confirmed.

03-30-2001, 08:31 AM
Originally posted by ChiefScott
Oh, I've got something to pick you up...

Well, at least it'll arch your back!

You already did that this morning, thankyouverymuch!

Almost late for work, but what a reason!

hardygrrl - Way to go!!!! I just feel sorry for the poor girl he's disappointing now... And congrats on standing up to your boss! Sometimes it's the hardest thing to do, telling them you're not a machine, but it puts you in the better position in the long run!!! (Can't say anything about the third one, since you're keeping a secret, but would another way to go on it be out of line?)


03-30-2001, 11:21 PM
Well I am heading off the weekend and wanted to give this thread a bump before I went. How is this for an uplifting thought. I go home to celebrate my grandmother's 83 birthday.
She still has reasonable health and a fine spirit God bless her. :) See you all when I get back.

03-31-2001, 07:50 AM

::walks on Verrain's back with all eight legs::

Especially for ////Chief Scott\\\\, because he loves them so:

----\:)/ x o x o x
----\:D/ x o x o x
----\:p/ x o x o x

And another hug for ////True Pices\\\\.

Spider Woman
03-31-2001, 07:54 AM

That's what I get for being a smarty pants.

That was me, not imthjckaz. We still haven't figured out those profile things.

04-01-2001, 09:04 PM
Without going into massive detail, I just need a hug and a few kind words. Anyone?

04-01-2001, 09:10 PM
Originally posted by Falcon
Without going into massive detail, I just need a hug and a few kind words. Anyone?


Will a compliment from a newbie do? :) I've enjoyed reading your messages on the board, and look forward to getting to know you a bit. Hope you feel better and that things look up.

04-01-2001, 09:43 PM
Originally posted by Falcon
Without going into massive detail, I just need a hug and a few kind words. Anyone?

Sure, a hug for the Queen of the Dopefests...

Falcon, it may look bad now, but Spiffled is coming up. Look to that. And I promise I'll make True Pisces go down there to visit if she moves to NY.

04-02-2001, 05:00 AM
Originally posted by lurkernomore
Falcon, it may look bad now, but Spiffled is coming up. Look to that. And I promise I'll make True Pisces go down there to visit if she moves to NY.

IF???? It's happening, if I have to live out of my truck to do it!!! And you won't have to make me come down to see Falcon, 'cause I was planning on it anyway. And I've told her that. So there! Pbbbbbbbbbbbbb!!!!! :p


Honey, you've got my e-mail and I'll put ICQ on when I get home from work tonight if you want to talk, ok???

04-02-2001, 08:42 AM
Had a great time with my family and want to share the happiness with the world.


And now, humor!


I want to hurt my computer. I want to buy a software program that, when
run, causes my computer to suffer grievously, though not permanently.
When my screen freezes or turns blue, I want a special button I can push
to make the CPU start
squealing like a motherboard.
I want my modem to sense when my PC has committed an "illegal function"
and issue a warrant to arrest Bill Gates. When my system crashes and I
lose a file that has taken me more than an hour to create, I want someone
from the computer company to come out and retype it for me.
I don't understand why new, "upgraded" software creates files that cannot
be read by old, reliable software with the same name. Is there no one in
the computer industry who has noticed that word processor files all look
alike once they are open? Why can't 6.0 recognise a 7.0 file? It's all
just words, isn't it? There should be a rule that when software engineers
buy a new car, their old cars should cease to function. If they don't
understand why this is happening, they should call me and I will explain
it to them.
How come when my computer catches a virus, I'm the one who misses work?
I want to know why my printer always jams on the last piece of paper.
When this happens, it makes me want to put sandpaper into the manual feed
and print the Emancipation Proclamation.
I want to know what good is a Web search engine that returns 324,909,188
"matches" to my keyword. That's like saying, "Good news, we've located
the product you're looking for. It's on Earth."
I want to know why, when I had a tiny hard drive, my operating system was
virtually crash-proof and took up so little space. My new operating
system is five times the size of my original hard drive. With every
"upgrade," it seems to grow 75 percent. That's as if every time your
mother-in-law came to visit she weighed another 500 pounds.
Now I've found out that my PC no longer "recognises" my floppy drive. How
could they not recognise each other? They live together!
Please understand: I don't hate my computer. I just want to hurt it every
once in a while.

04-02-2001, 04:37 PM
A *bump* and a bit of humor. Can't have people needing a pick me up to look all the way down here after all. :)

In the department where I did my Ph.D., graduate students often give
presentations on their work for the benefit of other graduate students.
This week's talk:

> Better Living Through Group Theory
> by Peter Turner
> An extremely poorly prepared talk on the role of group theory in
> physics. It will begin with some mathematical jargon in order to
> discourage anyone from asking questions, and conclude with hastily
> prepared examples from a vast number of physical disciplines--that number
> being approximately equal to three. All are welcome to offer examples
> from their own research in order to increase both that number as well as
> the amount of time I am drinking and not talking.

04-03-2001, 08:09 PM
Bring me your poor, your wretched, your huddled masses yearning....

Come to think of it, yearning huddled masses are better left to other threads. Seriously though, bring your problems, however large or small, and receive understanding and sympathy and big ol' hugs. And if not, just lay back and enjoy the humor.

As a younger man, I was in great shape. As an airline pilot , I was
required to have a Flight physical every six months.

The nurse took the basic data, weight, height, and blood pressure. My
pressure was good, but the heart rate was below 40 beats per minute.

"I cannot put that number down. You'll be denied a physical.",she said.

"What can I do?", I replied.

She held my hand and winked,saying, "Just think about that for a

Retaking my blood pressure and heart rate,she stated, "53 will be OK,
but you really know how to hurt a girl!"

Floyd Coons, (retired) Northwest Airlines

04-04-2001, 08:01 AM
More humor!


These are the 10 winners of this year's Bulwer-Lytton contest, wherein one
writes only the first line of a bad novel. (Victorian author Edward George
Bulwer-Lytton is famous--or is it infamous--for writing the novel that began
"It was a dark and stormy night.")

10) As a scientist, Throckmorton knew that if he were ever to break wind in the
sound chamber he would never hear the end of it.

9) Just beyond the Narrows the river widens.

8) With a curvaceous figure that Venus would have envied, a tanned, unblemished
oval face framed with lustrous thick brown hair, deep azure-blue eyes fringed
with long black lashes, perfect teeth that vied for competition, and a small
straight nose, Marilee had a beauty that defied description.

7) Andre, a simple peasant, had only one thing on his mind as he crept along
the east wall: Andre creep... Andre creep... Andre creep.

6) Stanislaus Smedley, a man always on the cutting edge of narcissism, was
about to give his body and soul to a back-alley sex-change surgeon to become
the woman he loved.

5) Although Sarah had an abnormal fear of mice, it did not keep her from eking
out a living at a local pet store.

4) Stanley looked quite bored and somewhat detached, but then penguins often

3) Like an overripe beefsteak tomato rimmed with cottage cheese, the corpulent
remains of Santa Claus lay dead on the hotel floor.

2) Mike Hardware was the kind of private eye who didn't know the meaning of the
word fear, a man who could laugh in the face of danger and spit in the eye of
death -- in short, a moron with suicidal tendencies.


1) The sun oozed over the horizon, shoved aside darkness, crept along the
greensward, and, with sickly fingers, pushed through the castle window,
revealing the pillaged princess, hand at throat, crown asunder, gaping in
frenzied horror at the sated, sodden amphibian lying beside her, disbelieving
the magnitude of the frog's deception, screaming madly,You lied!

04-04-2001, 06:18 PM
And here we have a fine way to mess with telelmarketers. Enjoy! And remember when your day needs lifting check here, and if there jokes aren't doing the trick, feel free to tell me what would!



Me: Hello, John speaking

Salesperson: Hello Mr. Hawklyn I represent ...... We've selected you as
a likely prospect (I mentally translate to: likely sucker) for
investment/charitable donation/lottery winner/....

Me: Not interested. SAY!? are you a telemarketer? I happen to
represent a firm which manufactures and sells earpads for all types
of telephones and head sets. We've found in our industry research
that many telemarketers are languishing with unergometric headsets.
Our earpads are certifiably ergometric thorougly tested, and
inexpensive, and 100% natural.

Salesperson: Excuse me. I was trying to say...

Me: Would you be interested in trying out one of our earpads?

Salesperson: No, thank you, we already have earpads. Now about our

Me: {sickenly sincere} If you're not interested, perhaps you could
connect me with your supervisor? They may be interested in hearing
about our earpads.
I've never yet spoken to a supervisor, but I find that this technique is
humorous, and yet clearly points out to them how offensive these calls
can be.

04-05-2001, 08:11 AM
"When you can snatch the pebble from my hand, it is time for you to

Week after week, I tried. That master of mine never let me get even
close. Then, one week, it occured to me that work is for suckers, and
discipline is for people who don't eat pork rinds and watch a lot of TV.
So when the master said to me:

"When you can snatch the pebble from my hand, it is time for you to leave."

...I kicked him in the groin, pried the pebble from his trembling fingers,
and split.

Forget what they tell you at the monestary. There are three tricks to
becoming a super powerful ninja. You will find them at the following

How to Fake Your Way to Martial Arts Mastery


Remember -- the sound of one hand clapping is most often heard in
darkened pornographic movie theatres.

04-11-2001, 07:43 PM
More humor and well wishes for all of SDMB.


1. The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.

2. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender,
religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside,
we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.

3. There is a very fine line between a hobby and mental illness.

4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never
want you to share yours with them.

5. The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy
people who are not in them.

6. You should not confuse your career with your life.

7. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too

8. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual
who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that
individual is crazy.

9. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

10. Never lick a steak knife.

11. Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie.

12. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on
the same night.

13. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling
reason why we observe daylight-savings time.

14. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests
you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from
her at that moment.

15. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make
a big deal about your birthday. That time is age 11.

16. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has
not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would
be "meetings."

17. And when God, who created the entire universe with all of its glories,
decides to deliver a message to humanity, He WILL NOT use as His messenger,
a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.

18. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice

19. Your friends love you, anyway.

04-12-2001, 07:04 AM
I need one.



I don't want to go in to details, it's too many things to go into. But I need hugs, flirts... anything to get me back UP right now.

04-12-2001, 07:15 AM

TP, you know my email. Let me know if there's ANYTHING I can do, even if it's just listening.

*hugs again*

04-12-2001, 08:02 AM
My shoulder is here for crying, my arms for holding, my lips for soothing words and soft kisses, and I have several other body parts you might be interested in. :)

So have a drink on me and smash your glass in the fireplace. I'd ask what was wrong but Fast Eddie is still a mean shot with that blackjack.

Storyteller's Creed
I believe that imagination is stronger than knowledge.
That myth is more potent than history.
That dreams are more powerful than facts.
That hope always triumphs over experience.
That laughter is the only cure for grief.
And I believe that love is stronger than death.
-- Robert Fulghum

And in honor of line 5, humor!

> I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
> I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
> I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
> It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.
> I can see your point, but I still think you're full of it.
> I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
> You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
> I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
> Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
> What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
> And your crybaby whiny-butt opinion would be...?
> Do I look like a people person?
> Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
> If I throw a stick, will you leave?
> I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
> Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?
> How do I set a laser printer to stun?
> I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted a paycheck.

We're here for you Pisces This too shall pass.

04-12-2001, 09:51 PM
Thanks for the pick me up Verrain :)...we'll talk later,ok?

04-13-2001, 07:48 AM
Of course, hardygrrl my email is always open and that goes for the rest of ya!


I was helping someone set up his computer, and he wanted to log in with a password.... now you have to understand he's got somewhat of a rebellious attitude and goes for the shock effect... so when the computer asked him to enter his password, he keys in "penis"...

I nearly fell off the chair from laughing so hard when the computer replied:


04-13-2001, 07:55 AM
Originally posted by Verrain

Oh, I like that one! I really like that one!

Thanks again, m'dear, for the shoulder, the arms, the lips and the other body parts! ;)

The glass has been smashed, and the story given privately. Fast Eddie won't be after you with the blackjack this time.

Anyone else care to step up to the line with a toast? I do have one right now.

*downs her drink quickly*

To All We Leave Behind


04-16-2001, 09:28 AM
I hate to keep doing this, but.....

Hugs, please? Today is rapidly going downhill FAST. My grandfather is back in the hospital with congestive heart failure. And there's a lot of crap here on the boards that I can't share, and right now really can't deal with.

And I can't cry, and I need to. Can't cry at work, and I can't cry in front of my mom at home.

04-16-2001, 09:35 AM
Originally posted by Falcon
I hate to keep doing this, but.....

Hugs, please? Today is rapidly going downhill FAST. My grandfather is back in the hospital with congestive heart failure. And there's a lot of crap here on the boards that I can't share, and right now really can't deal with.

And I can't cry, and I need to. Can't cry at work, and I can't cry in front of my mom at home.



04-16-2001, 09:56 AM

We are here for you Falcon, and when you have time to cry our shoulders are here.

04-16-2001, 10:28 AM

Honey, cry if you need to. The hell with what your co-workers and your mom think. It's a good reason to cry, and if they don't like it, tell them they can go take a flying leap. If I were close enough, I'd take you out somewhere where you can cry to your hearts content!!!!

As far as everything else... you've got my work addy, hon. Use it. I'll be here until 5, home sometime later (since I have something I have to do after work) You've also got my phone number and my home addy. They are ALL available for you to use.

04-16-2001, 10:36 AM
Lost the email with your work addy, hon. Not at home, so I can't find it, either.....I'm at work now, which I think you have the email for....(the arbitron.com one), so email me.

And I can't cry at home. This isn't a good reason according to my mom. Hell, *I* don't think it's a good reason most of the time.

04-16-2001, 10:44 AM
Falcon, crying and laughter are two sides of the same coin. No one has the same triggers for it and when it is triggered the need is real and involuntary. Don't worry if anyone understands it. Find yourself a quiet place and cry if that's what you need. {{Falcon}}

When work is less hectic I'll try to post some humor. Until then know you are in my thoughts and prayers.

04-16-2001, 02:51 PM
Falcon, I'm here if you want to email me. My work addy will get you a fast response between 8-5 Eastern. My personal is a once a day thing. I'll send you my work addy and the personal is in my profile.

04-16-2001, 02:54 PM
Falcon, I'm here if you want to email me. My work addy will get you a fast response between 8-5 Eastern. My personal is a once a day thing. I'll send you my work addy and the personal is in my profile.

Oops, server problems. Bet this double-posts, but I want to make sure it posts at least once.

04-17-2001, 10:48 PM
Twenty-Four Things to Always Remember...
and One Thing to Never Forget

Your presence is a present to the world.
You're unique and one of a kind.
Your life can be what you want it to be.
Take the days just one at a time.

Count your blessings, not your troubles.
You'll make it through whatever comes along.
Within you are so many answers.
Understand, have courage, be strong.

Don't put limits on yourself.
So many dreams are waiting to be realized.
Decisions are too important to leave to chance.
Reach for your peak, your goal, your prize.

Nothing wastes more energy than worrying.
The longer one carries a problem,
the heavier it gets.

Don't take things too seriously.
Live a life of serenity, not a life of regrets.

Remember that a little love goes a long way.
Remember that a lot...goes forever.
Remember that friendship is a wise investment.
Life's treasures are people...together.

Realize that it's never too late.
Do ordinary things in an extraordinary way.
Have health and hope and happiness.
Take the time to wish upon a star.

And don't ever forget...
for even a day...how very special you are.

04-18-2001, 08:14 AM
Thank you, Verrain. I needed that right now.

TroubleAgain - I never got the email, and I can't check the email in my profile until I get home tonight.

Today is another kinda bad day already. I know worrying about things makes them worse, but I have no way of letting this worry go for a while. I have so much I wish I could say to people, and I can't, because I'm scared that if I'm honest, I'll lose the friendship. In some ways it's already lost, but I think I'm holding on to what WAS, and wishing it could come back. And part of me knows it never can. I'm getting into that mood I have occassionally of trying to pick fights with people so they leave, instead of dealing with why I'm so hurt. I hate that part of me, so I'm trying to hold it back, but I don't know how much longer I can. :(

*sighs* We really DO need a crying smilie.....

04-18-2001, 12:05 PM
It's not that there's anything wrong, per se. It's just a lot of little things. And more than likely, there will be more than one person thinking, if not saying "Oh quit your whinning, it's not that bad." You know something, at this point, I don't care. Think that I'm whinning if you want, the mood I'm in says if you don't like it (or me) go take a flying leap.

Right now, today, I'm feeling like nothing in my life is going as right as I need it to. My job sucks, I hate it and I'm glad to be getting out of it, but it seems like now that they know I'm leaving, either I don't exist at all, or when I do, it's to be a piece of furniture to be moved around. I leave in one week... ONE WEEK. And "they", those wonderful powers that be, have decided that I need to be moved, with my multitudes of stuff, to a cubicle. They need that room for "training"... However, they leave the other person... who deals with highly sensitive documents... in there with the trainees... I'm not as mad about it for myself, though moving is a big enough pain in the butt as it is. I'm more mad at the BS they're putting the other woman through.

I was told by my step-mom last night that I have to get out of the house, one way or the other. If I don't get a job in NY, then I have to find some place here in FL to move to... which pretty much means I don't move to NY. I can't afford to pay for a place on my own and save to move 1200 miles. It just can't happen. So there goes all those carefully crafted plans.

I'm scared to death I won't get a job up there. I can get a different hair style, change my "look"... but I still don't know the job market up there. Things here are so much more relaxed. Will they want me? And if they do, will they pay me enough or will I have to get a second job, meaning even less time that I spend with lurker? And if I don't find a job there, I'm going to have to find another job here. I've pretty much given them my notice here.... I have to turn my packets over to someone else when I leave...

And then there's the fear of moving to NY and having things go bad there... I have a few friends up there, but most of them I haven't seen in years. What if something does happen and I lose all my friends... even lose lurker as a friend? What if my roomie-to-be can't manage to move as he's planning? What if I'm a failure in NY?

Then there's my other friends... so many of them are going through so many hard times right now. And there isn't a damned thing I can do for one of them. Listening doesn't seem enough... and they're all too far away for me to put my arms around them and hug them. I try giving advice, but a few of those have even blown up in my face. I don't feel like I'm doing the right thing with anyone any more. I feel like I'm failing my friends when I can't be there the minute they need me. I feel like I'm failing everything right now.

And, stupid as this sounds, I can't even seem to keep a flirt going with any guy in private e-mail... or even on the boards any more. Flirting has been a really nice distraction for me lately... a good break from reality, since the guys that I've been flirting with know that I'm dating lurker so the flirts are nothing more than a game... but I can't get anyone to pick up on them lately. And I want to flirt with someone via e-mail today, because it's so much harder for me to be on the board than it is through e-mail right now. (Since the place they moved me to isn't quite as private as my old office was) But there's the part of me that's too shy to start a flirt with someone that I've been flirting with on the board... am I being to forward, maybe? Will I offend? I just don't know if I'm losing my flirting touch or what the hell is going on with me right now!

Part of me wants to throw something, part of me wants to scream, part of me wants to cry... part of me wants hours and hours of mindblowing sex. I just don't know what to do to get these frustrations out.

Yes, I know they're silly. Yes, I know they're stupid. But right now, I feel like I'm over flowing with all of it, and I just don't quite know what to do. I needed to unload. This is it. Sorry if it bothers anyone, but I started this damn pick-me-up thread, and I'm going to use it! So some one, please


04-18-2001, 12:36 PM
Being scared is normal. Hold together one more week. You have a number of leads, I've seen them. If you come up and get a hit, there was nothing to worry about. You can stay here a bit while you look for a place. You need to make a move of some sort, you can't stay where you are in that situation. You've assessed your strengths and weaknesses, and have made steps to reduce your vulnerabilities. I can't tell you about your proposed roomie. If they're delayed, and you don't find anything fast, you may have to delay the move. Not cancel, delay. You know I'm in your corner. It may not be much, but you can rely on that.

04-18-2001, 12:43 PM
Being scared is normal. Hold together one more week. You have a number of leads, I've seen them. If you come up and get a hit, there was nothing to worry about. You can stay here a bit while you look for a place. You need to make a move of some sort, you can't stay where you are in that situation. You've assessed your strengths and weaknesses, and have made steps to reduce your vulnerabilities. I can't tell you about your proposed roomie. If they're delayed, and you don't find anything fast, you may have to delay the move. Not cancel, delay. You know I'm in your corner. It may not be much, but you can rely on that.

04-18-2001, 12:43 PM
Being scared is normal. Hold together one more week. You have a number of leads, I've seen them. If you come up and get a hit, there was nothing to worry about. You can stay here a bit while you look for a place. You need to make a move of some sort, you can't stay where you are in that situation. You've assessed your strengths and weaknesses, and have made steps to reduce your vulnerabilities. I can't tell you about your proposed roomie. If they're delayed, and you don't find anything fast, you may have to delay the move. Not cancel, delay. You know I'm in your corner. It may not be much, but you can rely on that.

04-18-2001, 12:48 PM
lurker, I know you are... and it does help... the problem is it just feels like it's too much. And leads don't do a damn bit of good if no one wants me. As confident as I try to be, I'm not. I'm scared to death. Everything I want right now could come crashing about my ears. And I can't even go home and let out my frustrations, because I have to be Miss Happy at home, otherwise I'm brooding. This week isn't going fast enough.

04-18-2001, 01:00 PM
TP hon....check your email. And you know I'm here for you whenever and however you need me.


04-18-2001, 04:56 PM
{{True Pisces}}

I'd be more worried about you if you weren't scared, my friend. Have faith though. You have too many people pulling for you to fail now. I think we'd take up a collection to float you for a while if it came to that. :) You know my Email and ICQ if you wish to vent more.

04-18-2001, 08:42 PM
{{{True Pisces}}}}

Ever since we've starting emailing each other you have been nothing but wonderful. You helped me through the Epic Mystery Doper Saga and have always given me the best advice-even if I didn't realize it at time.

( and yes I'm being careful with the new Mystery Doper...check your email for an update :) )

If I could do anything to help you I would.....our situations are a lot alike.

You have both my email addys and you can ALWAYS drop me a line-I think you know my hours better than I do:)

One of these days.....thinga ARE going to work out so me,you and our triplet sister Falcon can go out and paint some town the color of my hair.

{{{True Pisces}}}

04-18-2001, 11:35 PM
Candle on the Water
From "Pete's Dragon"
Written by: Al Kasha and Joel Hirschhorn

I'll be your candle on the water
My love for you will always burn
I know you're lost and drifting
But the clouds are lifting
Don't give up
You'll have some where to turn

I'll be your candle on the water
'Til ev'ry wave is warm and bright
My soul is there beside you
Let this candle guide you
Soon you'll see a golden stream of light

A cold and friendless tide has found you
Don't let the stormy darkness pull you down
I'll paint a ray of hope around you
Circling in the air lighted by a prayer

I'll be your candle on the water
This flame inside of me will grow
Keep holding on you'll make it
Here's my hand so take it

Look for me reaching out to show
As sure as rivers flow
I'll never let you go
I'll never let you go
I'll never let you go

04-19-2001, 05:39 AM
Thanks, everyone... I'm still scared, a lot, but I'm coping a little better than I was yesterday. It's good to know I have other options, and that I do have some people out there that care about me.


04-19-2001, 06:48 PM
"This book is dedicated to my brilliant and beautiful wife
without whom I would be nothing. She always comforts and
consoles, never complains or interferes, asks nothing, and
endures all. She also writes my dedications."
Albert Malvino

There's something different about us -- different from people of Europe, Africa, Asia ... a deep and abiding belief in the Easter Bunny.
Gordon Liddy

I THINK THERE SHOULD BE SOMETHING in science called the "reindeer effect." I don't know what it would be, but I think it'd be good to hear someone say, "Gentlemen, what we have here is a terrifying example of the reindeer
Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988

Calvin:People think it must be fun to be a super genius, but they don't realize how hard it is to put up with all the idiots in the world.
Hobbes: Isn't your pants' zipper supposed to be in the front?

"Now son, you don't want to drink beer. That's for Daddys, and kids with fake IDs."
Homer Simpson

"I want to share something with you - the three sentences that will get you through life. Number one, 'cover for me.' Number two, 'oh,good idea, boss.
Number three, 'it was like that when I got here.'"
Homer Simpson

"Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen."
Homer Simpson

"Marge, don't discourage the boy! Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals! Except the weasel."
Homer Simpson

"Lisa, if you don't like your job you don't strike. You just go in every day and do it really half-assed. That's the American way."
Homer Simpson

"Maybe, just once, someone will call me 'sir' without adding, 'you're making a scene.''
Homer Simpson

The OSI seven-layer stack does not appear to have been invented by the followers of Zen. A cornerstone of Zen is the focusing on reality and the avoidance of misleading conceptual abstractions.
Alex Gillespie "Access networks: technology and V5 interfacing"

"Millions long for immortality who do not know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon."
Susan Ertz

"Winston, you are drunk"
Lady Astor
"Yes my dear, but you are ugly, and in the morning I shall be sober"

Winston Churchill

"They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist"
General John Sedgwick, Union commander in the Civil War, speaking his last words as he was watching enemy troops during the Battle of Spotsylvania Court House.

"The problem with the rat race is even if you win you're still a rat."

Lily Tomlin

"Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're in."
Rich Jeni

"My cousin just died. He was only 19. He got stung by a bee - the natural enemy of a tightrope walker."
Emo Philips

"The Web brings people together because no matter what kind of a twisted sexual mutant you happen to be, you've got millions of pals out
there. Type in 'Find people that have sex with goats that are on fire' and the computer will say, 'Specify type of goat.'"
Rich Jeni

The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job. But if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house.
Jeff Foxworthy

Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and give her a house.
Lewis Grizzard

If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.
George Carlin

They say that if you build a better mouse trap, the world will beat a path to your door. It isn't true. If you build a better mouse trap, people will go right on using the
Microsoft Mouse Hammer. It makes a hell of a mess, and about once a week the head flies off the handle -- but you can easily glue it back together.
It's the most popular rodent killing system on the market.
Mouse trap, you say? Who'd buy that?

Say something witty and you'll be remembered forever.

Managing senior programmers is like herding cats.
Dave Platt

A billion here, a billion there, sooner or later it
adds up to real money.
Everett Dirksen

China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese
Former French President Charles De Gaulle

They're multipurpose. Not only do they put the clips
on, but they take them off.
Pratt & Whitney spokesperson
explaining why the company charged the Air Force nearly
$1000 for an ordinary pair of pliers.

I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the
only regret I have was that I didn't study Latin harder
in school so I could converse with those people
Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle

You can say any foolish things to a dog, and the dog will give you this look that says, "My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!"
Dave Barry

Ah yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet.
Robin Williams

I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was, "You'll never find anyone like me again!" I'm thinking, "I should hope not! If I don't want you, why would I want someone like you?"
Larry Miller

Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself.

Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.
Billy Crystal

According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful.
Jay Leno

I am not the boss of my house. I don't know when I lost it. I don't know if I ever had it. But I have seen the boss's job and I do not want it.
Bill Cosby

In the last couple of weeks I have seen the ads for the Wonder Bra. Is that really a problem in this country? Men not paying enough attention to women's breasts?
Jay Leno

We have women in the military, but they don't put us in the front lines. They don't know if we can fight, if we can kill. I think we can. All the general has to do is walk over to the women and say, "You see the enemy
over there? They say you look fat in those uniforms."
Elayne Boosler

Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
Phyllis Diller

There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?
Jay Leno

04-19-2001, 08:49 PM

Thanks again for the humor :)

Fairy Princess Kitty
04-19-2001, 11:39 PM
I just wish that I could do more for you. You don't know me very well, but if you ever need someone just to talk, or a shouldere to cry on, know that I'm here for you. I know what it's like to have all the little things add up until you really feel that you can't deal with it anymore. It would've really helped to have someone that cared right around that time, so if you need it, the E-mail and ICQ and AIM sn are all in my profile. Just remember that lots of people (including me) love you whole oodles and oodles.


04-20-2001, 05:33 AM

Thank you so much. Days like I had the other day are happening less and less, but they still happen sometimes. Unfortunately, I was at work, so anything other than the rant at on the board really wasn't an option. :( But I am feeling much more in control right now, things are starting to slide a little more into place... The fears are there, but back where they belong... in the back of my mind. Thanks for caring, and the offer of the shoulder. I still may take you up on it someday. :)

04-20-2001, 04:50 PM
Ok, I'm in need of some hugs here today. I don't feel like going through the whole story, I just posted it here (http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?threadid=68239) in the Pit, but suffice it to say, today has not been a good day. Anyone want to go get trashed with me???

04-20-2001, 06:46 PM
{{{{{True Pisces}}}}}

First drink's on me my dear, and I just swept out the fireplace.

Some humor, some wisdom, and a reminder all those body parts are avaailable when and if you need them.

As soon as we started programming, we found to our surprise that it wasn't as easy to get programs right as we had thought. Debugging had to be discovered. I can remember the exact instant when I realized that a large part of my life from then on was going to be spent in finding mistakes
in my own programs.
Maurice Wilkes, designer of EDSAC, on programming, 1949

In a recent television show in the UK, actor and comedian John Cleese explained three reasons why the British are superior to Americans:
1. They speak English.
2. When they host a world championship they invite other countries.
3. Visitors to the head of state are only expected to go down on one knee.

I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.
A Bit of Fry and Laurie

The hypothalamus is one of the most important parts of the brain, involved in many kinds of motivation, among other functions. The hypothalamus controls the Four F's: 1. fighting; 2. fleeing; 3. feeding; and 4. mating.
Psychology professor in
neuropsychology intro course

What is a committee? A group of the unwilling, picked from the unfit, to do the unnecessary.
Richard Harkness,
The New York Times, 1960

Slogan of 105.9, the classic rock radio station in Chicago: Of all the radio stations in Chicago ... we're one of them.

With every passing hour our solar system comes forty-three thousand miles closer to globular cluster 13 in the constellation Hercules, and still there are some misfits who continue to insist that there is no such thing as progress.
Ransom K. Ferm

Applying computer technology is simply finding the right wrench to pound in the correct screw.

Karate is a form of martial arts in which people who have had years and years of training can, using only their hands and feet, make some of the worst movies in the history of the world.
Dave Barry

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
A. Whitney Brown

A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.
William James

Never underestimate the bandwidth of a station wagon full of tapes hurtling down the highway.
Andrew Tannenbaum

We should be careful to get out of an experience only the wisdom that is in it - and stop there; lest we be like the cat that sits down on a hot stove-lid. She will never sit down on a hot stove-lid again, and that is well; but also she will never sit down on a cold one anymore.
Mark Twain

Sometimes you wake up. Sometimes the fall kills you. And sometimes when you fall, you fly. --Neil Gaiman

04-21-2001, 12:54 AM
hardygrrl's week in review....

The ugly mess with the fuck buddy which escalated into sides being picked between our mutual friends.

And then Friday 4/20....

To start Friday would heve been my nephew's 7th birthday if he hadn't died two years ago. I spent part of the morning at his grave trying to visualize how would he look if he was still alive. It then hit me that my memories of him have started to fade as they will. So I went home and watched,for this first time since his death,a videotape I had made of him and his brother.

Big mistake....seeing Craig alive and happy just brought all the pain of losing him back full force. Plus I forgot the exfiancee was in the video and that brought up more issues. Seeing myself holding Craig between me and Mark,and how happy I looked :(

Then today I,through my own fault,have probably destroyed a friendship. I won't go into detail but suffice to say it was ugly and personal. And I get the feeling on this one sides will be chosen as well.

I have cried my way through a box of kleenex and my eyes feel like they're going to fall out of my head.

I just want things to go smoothly for once. I want to not feel like a complete fuckup.

04-21-2001, 02:13 AM

Honey, being one who knows both sides... I'm not chosing. I'll e-mail you about it, I promise. But you know I'm still your friend. Today's been a bad day for all, all the way around. Let's just get up in the morning, and hope tomorrow goes better, ok??

04-21-2001, 09:06 AM
Thanks TP...

Well...got a few hours of sleep and guess what?

I'm still reviewing last night's events in my head. And wondering how things went so bad so suddenly.

I had nothing but good intentions and well...

Hopefully things somewhow will work out. Maybe with some space I can still be friends with the person. But since we both showed each other a fairly ugly side......

Lately it feels like things in my personal life are going to complete and total shit. Professionally things are great but personally......

04-21-2001, 11:32 AM

Don't know the details. Don't need them. You are a friend in pain and if I can help you have only to ask.

In the meantime I provide that which I am best at, humor and quotes.

Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, Where have I gone wrong? Then a voice says to me, This is going to take more thanone night.
Charlie Brown,
_Peanuts_ [Charles Schulz]

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons. Woody Allen

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There's no use being a damn fool about it.
W.C. Fields

Truth does not change because it is, or is not, believed by a majority of the people.
Giordano Bruno

Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there.
Will Rogers (1879-1935)

Never ascribe to malice that which is adequately explained by incompetence.
Napoleon Bonaparte

Sincerity is the key. If you can fake that, you've got it made.
George Burns

Communications without intelligence is noise ... Intelligence without communications is irrelevant. Gen. Grey, USMC

Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas
Former Australian cabinet minister Keppel Enderbery

I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.
Carol Leifer

Every time I feel the urge to exercise, I lie down until it goes away.

Mark Twain

Curiosity is the very basis of education and if you tell me that curiosity killed the cat, I say only the cat died nobly.
Arnold Edinborough

On account of being a democracy and run by the people, we are the only nation in the world that has to keep a government four years, no matter what it does.
Will Rogers

I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

Dave Edison

I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house.
Zsa Zsa Gabor

$100 placed at 7 percent interest compounded quarterly for 200 years will increase to more than $100,000,000 - by which time it will be worth nothing.
Robert A. Heinlein

Being right too soon is socially unacceptable.
Robert A. Heinlein

Children aren't happy without something to ignore, And that's what parents were created for. Ogden Nash

640K of computer memory ought to be enough for anybody.
Bill Gates, 1981

I regret to say that we of the F.B.I. are powerless to act in cases of oral-genital intimacy, unless it has in some way obstructed interstate commerce.
J. Edgar Hoover

Lady Astor: If you were my husband, I'd poison your tea.
W.Churchill: Madam, if I were your husband, I'd drink it!

A doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his clientto plant vines.
Frank Lloyd Wright

A fanatic is one who can't change his mind and won't change the subject.
Winston Churchill

A jury consists of twelve persons chosen to decide who has the better lawyer. Robert Frost

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.
Oscar Wilde

Blessed is the man who, having nothing to say, abstains from giving words in evidence of the fact.
George Elliot

04-21-2001, 01:32 PM

Thank you for the humor. I've calmed down somewhat and did apologize to the person. I explained my side of things and left it up to them if they want to remain friends or not.

::hangs head and sighs::

And thanks for what you said personally too..that was the only bright part of yesterday :)

04-22-2001, 11:01 AM

You are welcome. So long as I have humor in my archive and kind words to say, I shall be here, a bright spot for any with dark days. [[Boy did that sound pompous or what? :) Better cut to the humor.]]

15 Things You'd Never Know If It Weren't For the

1. Large, loft-style apartments in New York City are
well within the price range of most people - whether
they are employed or not.

2. At least one of a pair of identical twins is born

3. Should you decide to defuse a bomb, don't worry
which wire to cut. You will always choose the right

4. Most laptop computers are powerful enough to
override the communications system of any invading
alien society, and run an applications system that
everyone is very familiar with.

5. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered
in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will
wait patiently to attack you one by one, by dancing
around in a threatening manner until you have knocked
out their predecessors.

6. When you turn out the light to go to bed,
everything in your bedroom will still be clearly
visible, just slightly bluish.

7. Radiation causes interesting mutations--not to
your future children, but to you - right then and
there - or, over a period of time until you finally go
crazy and kill people.

8. If you are blonde and pretty, it is possible to
become a world expert on nuclear fission, or anything
else, at the age of 22.

9. Honest and hard-working policemen are
traditionally gunned down three days before their

10. Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer
to kill their arch enemies using complicated machinery
involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gasses,
lasers, and man-eating sharks, all of which will allow
their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.

11. During all police investigations, it is necessary
to visit a strip club at least once.

12. All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets that
reach up to the armpit level on a woman but only to
waist level on the man lying beside her.

13. All grocery shopping bags contain at least one
stick of French bread and one bunch of carrots
complete with leafy tops.

14. It's easy to land a plane providing there is
someone in the control tower to talk you down.

15. Once applied, makeup never rubs off - even while
scuba diving or after fighting alien monsters.

04-23-2001, 08:10 AM
Here's a little something to make you think.

It May Be Hard to Believe That A Scant 100 Years Ago...
The average life expectancy in the United States was forty-seven.

Only 14 percent of the homes in the United States had a bathtub.

Only 8 percent of the homes had a telephone. A three minute call from Denver to New York City cost eleven dollars.

There were only 8,000 cars in the US and only 144 miles of paved roads.

The maximum speed limit in most cities was ten mph.

Alabama, Mississippi, Iowa, and Tennessee were each more heavily populated than California. With a mere 1.4 million residents, California was only the twenty-first most populous state in the Union.

The tallest structure in the world was the Eiffel Tower.

The average wage in the U.S. was twenty-two cents an hour. The average U.S. worker made between $200 and $400 per year. A competent Accountant could expect to earn $2000 per year, a Dentist $2500 per year, a Veterinarian between $1500 and $4000 per year, and a Mechanical Engineer about $5000/year.

More than 95 percent of all births in the United States took place at home.

Ninety percent of all U.S. physicians had no College Education. Instead, they attended Medical Schools, many of which were condemned in the press and by the government as "substandard."

Sugar cost four cents a pound. Eggs were fourteen cents a dozen. Coffee cost fifteen cents a pound.

Most women only washed their hair once a month and used Borax or egg yolks for shampoo.

Canada passed a law prohibiting poor people from entering the country for any reason, either as travelers or immigrants.

The Five Leading Causes of Death in the U.S. were:
1. Pneumonia and influenza
2. Tuberculosis
3. Diarrhea
4. Heart disease
5. Stroke

The American flag had 45 stars. Arizona, Oklahoma, New Mexico, Hawaii, and Alaska had not been admitted to the Union yet.

Drive-By-Shootings -- in which teenage boys galloped down the street on horses and started randomly shooting at Houses, Carriages, or anything else that caught their fancy -- were an ongoing problem in Denver and other cities in the West.

The population of Las Vegas, Nevada was thirty. The remote desert community was inhabited by only a handful of ranchers and their families.

Plutonium, Insulin, and Antibiotics had not been discovered yet.

Scotch tape, Crossword Puzzles, Canned Beer, and Iced Tea had not been invented.

There was no Mother's Day or Father's Day.

One in ten U.S. adults couldn't read or write. Only 6 percent of all Americans had graduated from high school.

Some medical authorities warned that professional seamstresses were apt to become sexually aroused by the steady rhythm, hour after hour, of the machine's foot pedals. They recommended slipping Bromide - which was thought to diminish sexual desire -- into the woman's drinking water.

Marijuana, Heroin, and Morphine were all available over the counter at corner drugstores. According to one Pharmacist, "Heroin clears the complexion, gives buoyancy to the mind, regulates the stomach and the bowels, and is, in fact, a
perfect guardian of health.

Coca-Cola contained Cocaine instead of Caffeine.

Punch card data processing had recently been developed, and early predecessors of the modern computer were used for the first time by the government to help compile the 1900 Census.

Eighteen percent of households in the United States had at least one full-time servant or domestic.

There were about 230 reported murders in the U.S. annually.

Who knows what changes the next hundred will bring?

04-24-2001, 08:24 PM
Just a few deep thoughts for 2000....by Steven Wright

1) A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station
is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work

2) If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it
Fed UP?

3) If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what
fool came up with, "Quit while you're ahead"?

4) Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?

5) What hair color do they put on the driver's
licenses of bald men?

6) I was thinking that women should put pictures of
missing husbands on beer cans.

7) I was thinking about how people seem to read the
Bible a whole lot more as they get older, then it
dawned on me......they were cramming for their finals.

8) I thought about how mothers feed their babies with
little tiny spoons and forks, so I wonder what Chinese
mothers use... Toothpicks?

9) Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the
Post Office? What are we supposed to do . . .write to
these men? Why don't they just put their pictures on
the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them
while they delivered the mail?

10) How much deeper would oceans be if sponges didn't
live there?

11) If it's true that we are here to help others, then
what exactly are the OTHERS here for?

12) Clones are people two.

13) If a man says something in the woods and there are
no women there, is he still wrong?

14) Go ahead and take risks....just be sure that
everything will turn out OK.

15) If you can't be kind, at least have the decency
to be vague.

16) Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be
if it didn't zigzag?

17) Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

18) Think "Honk" if you're telepathic...

19) If a person with multiple personalities threatens
suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

20) If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?

21) I went for a walk last night and my kids asked me
how long I'd be gone. I said, "The whole time."

22) So what's the speed of dark?

23) How come you don't ever hear about gruntled
employees? And who has been dissing them anyhow?

24) After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour
before getting OUT of the water?

25) Why don't they just make mouse-flavored cat food?

26) If you're sending someone some Styrofoam, what do
you pack it in?

27.) I just got skylights put in my place. The
people who live above me are furious.

28.) Why do they sterilize needles for lethal

29) Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because
they taste funny?

30) Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a

31) Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to
have an "s" in it?

32) Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that
why people appear bright until you hear them speak?

33) How come abbreviated is such a long word?

34) If it's zero degrees outside today and it's
supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it
going to be?

04-25-2001, 09:04 PM
For those who love the philosophy of hypocrisy and ambiguity...A few
statements to ponder... George Carlin
1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
5. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
6. I went to a bookstore and asked the sales woman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
7. Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets aren't going as ghosts, but as mattresses?
8. If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
9. If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him . . . is he still wrong?
10. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself,is it considered a hostage situation?
11. Is there another word for synonym?
12. Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice?"
13. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"
14. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
15. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
16. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
17. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
18. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
19. Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
20. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
21. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
22. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
23. How do blind people know when they are done wiping?
24. How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
25. Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
26. What was the best thing before sliced bread?
27. One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
28. To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated, but not be able to say it.
29. Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
30. The older you get, the better you realize you were.
31. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
32. Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.
33. Women like silent men, they think they're listening.
34. Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.
35. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
36. Do pediatricians play miniature golf on Wednesdays?
37. Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
38. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
39. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
40. If God dropped acid, would he see people?
41. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
42. If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
43. If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?
44. If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?
45. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
46. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

04-30-2001, 06:17 PM
18> G.I. JOE: "Warning: The term 'Action figure' is a euphemism for 'dolly'."

17> EZ BAKE OVEN: "Light bulb heating unit is warm enough to
melt crayons, but will not affect e-coli bacteria."

16> POKEMON: "This toy will result in your first addiction.
Cigarettes, alcohol, marijuana, cocaine, and heroin will
inevitably follow."

15> YAHTZEE!: "Game score accuracy not guaranteed in Florida."

14> YO-YO: "Regardless of skill level, use of this product can never -- I repeat, *never* -- make you look cool."

13> "MY SIZE" BARBIE: "Mattel not liable for incidents of doll coming to life, throwing you in its box, putting on *your* clothes, and seamlessly assuming your place in the family, only with more success than you ever had."

12> BETSY WETSY: "For ages 3-7 only, you perv!"

11> FURBY: "Warning to Parents: Gets annoying in like 5 minutes, and you face the risk of seeming soooo 1998."

10> CLUE: "Hint to blondes: While we DO encourage you to buy our game, this is not what everybody meant."

9> MAGIC 8-BALL: "Not intended for making important decisions, President Bush."

8> LAVA LAMP: "Contains less than 2% incandescent magma from
the Earth's mantle."

7> RAZOR SCOOTER: "Will instantly render user indistinguishable from every other kid nationwide."

6> BIG MOUTH BILLY BASS: "A singing fish -- what the hell were you thinking?"

5> ETCH-A-SKETCH: "Caution: Product will almost certainly be
used to draw a large, rectangular penis."

4> PLAYSTATION 2: "Not intended as a parental substitute. May stunt social growth. Increased popularity among your peers is only temporary. Will not make you happy, even if your dad did pay $600 for it on Ebay. Note to parents: Sure, it's expensive, but think of all the money you'll save on college tuition."

3> HACKY SACK: "For use by hippies and slackers only."

2> JUNIOR ELECTRIC GUITAR: "Maybe get a blister on your finger. Maybe get a blister on your thumb."

and Topfive.com's Number 1 Warning Label on a Toy...

1> HARRY POTTER INVISIBILITY CAPE: "Invisibility not guaranteed for use in opposite-gender locker room or toilet facility."

04-30-2001, 10:37 PM

Thank you-I just spit diet coke into my keyboard :)

And on a personal note,let's just say VBG baby,VBG :) Falcon knows what I'm talking about :)

05-01-2001, 08:14 PM
A pleasure to be of service, Hardygrrl. :D


1. In the company of females, intercourse should be referred to as:

A. Lovemaking
B. Screwing
C. Taking the pigskin bus to tuna town.

2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you've
both shared:

A. Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship.
B. Your blood-test results.
C. Five tequila slammers.

3. You time your orgasm so that:

A. Your partner climaxes first.
B. You both climax simultaneously.
C. You don't miss ESPN Sportscenter.

4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:

A. Healthy, creative love-play.
B. Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would agree to.
C. Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend needs to ever find out

5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you just had sex with is:

A. The best part of the experience.
B. The second best part of the experience.
C. $100 extra.

6. Your girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in the last month. You
tell her that it is:

A. No concern of yours.
B. Not a problem, she can join your gym.
C. A conservative estimate.

7. You think today's sensitive, caring man is:

A. A myth
B. An oxymoron
C. A moron

8. Foreplay is to sex as:

A. Appetizer is to entree.
B. Primer is to paint.
C. A long line is to an amusement park ride.

9. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying at
the end of a relationship?

A. "I hope we can still be friends."
B. "I'm not in right now, please leave a message at the beep."
C. "Welcome to Dumpsville - population: YOU."

10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:

A. Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that sort of
B. Is uptight and a waste of time.
C. Shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place.

If you answered "A" more than 7 times, check your pants to make sure you
really are a man.

If you answered "B" more than 7 times, check into therapy, you're a little

If you answered "C" more than 7 times, "YOU DA MAN"

05-02-2001, 06:30 PM
These are from [the original writer's] Calculus I/II class last year with Mr. Kevin
Giffhorn. All quotes are by him unless otherwise noted.

"I'm coming to your house, I'm gonna steal your calc book, and pummel you with a TI-83."

"I have extra chromosomes. Does that make me special?"

"Can we quit molesting Santa Claus back there?"

"You may need a proctologist to remove my shoe."

"Poor guy's been circumscribed, and he's unitless. Please don't write me up for that."

"That's it, you're off caffeine."

"It's a buff parenthesis. It's cut."

"Does anyone else in this class need therapy? I’m beeping my therapist as we speak."

"Student motivation? I'm gonna start hooking you all up to electrodes."

"Date me! I've got a Porsche! I tried that with a Jeep, it didn't work."

"I would've told the class, 'Okay, you all go to lunch, I'm gonna have a little talk with Tom here.' They'd come back, and Tom's sitting in the corner crying with his eye bleeding."

"If you get scared, you can hug your calculator. That gives you strength."

"They had that show on MTV where the kids were stuck at spring break and they would do anything for $20. - Todd Tedrow
"Around here, we call that prostitution."

"This [equation] is showing how chipmunks will one day rule the world. So be nice to them. Stop hitting them with your cars."

"I want to see some serious butt-kissing! Let's go!"

"Just remember, there is shrinkage when it's cold."

"Into the valley, blah blah blah, and you get your head chopped off."
- Jason Fawcett

"Are we feeling slightly paranoid today? Is everyone picking on you? It's okay, we pick on you because we hate you - I mean we love you."

"Anyone here seen one of those Ford Excursions with the 40-gallon gas tank? Have to take out a loan to fill it up."

"Yeah, hands-on. I'm gonna lay hands on your head if you don't get it right."

"Wouldn't that be awesome if you could use lifelines in school? 'Who's your phone-a-friend?' I'd say Stephen Hawking."

"Peggy, you didn't do #10? That was 25 points! It was hidden. You have to hold it up to the light to see it. It's the watermark."

"Peggy, will you help Tresa? She's trying to find #10."

"Yes, I have my doctorate, and yes, I have an Asian surname. Giffhorn. It's Asian for 'German guy'."

"Gimme a C! Gimme an A! What's that spell? CALCULUS!" - Shameet Luhar

"You looked good in a blonde wig. You looked like that prostitute that Hugh Grant hooked up with."

"Can we have naptime today?" - Dan Schointuch

"It's related to math. There's numbers on the board." - Brandon Lauer

"That's where we got our nicknames. The Gentlemen from Hell. From the Germans. We kicked their butts. Ha ha."

"Will someone help him out instead of just chuckling at him?"

"I like the JFK half dollars. They're big. You can throw them at people."

"Yes, I think that's what Newton said. 'This one just chills.'"

"Let me open these blinds so the snipers can see in."

"Is that 'sex' or the integral of e^x?" - Elliott Marquis

"Ladies and gentlemen, in case you didn't hear, Becky likes sex."

"The professor said, 'Richard, do you want to be called Dick?' And he said, 'No, do you?'"

"Wait, why am I writing? You get up there, you write it. I'm tired. I'm sitting down. I'm an old man."

"Mr. Tedrow, what do you feel like doing now? Besides crying?"

"We gotta tell her how to work the whole Hooked On Phonics thing."

"He's probably running around the school wearing Hazmat clothes. He might be wearing one of those sumo suits you see on MTV."

"Senate? We have woman senators?"
"I think it's great that we have more chicks in the senate."

"Libby Dole... her husband does commercials saying how he can't do anything."

"I think Bill Clinton should be doing those Viagra ads."

"Square roots seem to intimidate you people. Maybe it's the sharp point. You're afraid you might get cut."

"How about we take it now, and then we can fool around?" - Xiaosong Meng
"Xiaosong, you are a very attractive man. However..."

"Can I write down everything on the board on my desk? Is that cheating?"

"It's cheating because it was in my head? Where should it be? On my arm?"

"Now remember, at the top of every [quiz], you should write..."
"'Plus 5'." - Elliott

"You're adorable, like a big old Pokémon."

"Buy high, sell low." - Dan Rapp
"No, that's what you do if you are high."

"Speaking of being high, this stuff will do it to you... whoa, the colors, Officer Der, please report to Mr. Giffhorn's room."

"Why doesn't he let girls wear skimpier stuff?" - Elliott
"The last time a girl wore something with her belly button showing, I asked you to come up to the board, and you said no."

"The freshmen look like sluts." - Becky Hurley

"Hey baby, what's your sign? Really? Your sign is stop?"

"You'd hit absolute zero. Cut off your finger, put it in a freezer pack, you're good to go."

"Serious mutations, I don't mean like X-Men with lasers shooting out of their eyes."

"They're like a day old, and they're mother's like, 'you never do anything! Get out of the house already!' They're like 14 minutes old when they hit puberty."

"It's a trick. I mean, it's not a trick. It's not a trick, it's just a trick. I don't know."

"If you're so street smart, how come you keep getting arrested?"

"Where's your spirit? I ran over three kids from Glenelg [High School] on my way to school this morning."

"If I sewed a cyanide pill on my collar, I could chew on it."

"People from other countries, when they come over and don't know English, they say 'um' a lot." - Thea Rosa
"That's why we shouldn't let them in this country."

"Elliott, go ahead and cry, we'll just make fun of you more than always."

"Do you have to know how to spell 'Porsche' to have one?"

"Yes, you can do a lot more crack. I smoke rock with the best of them. Don't write that one down! I'm getting fired."

"Do you have certain bookmarks on your computer that are naughty? Do you look at Jennicam once a day?"

"You will not be allowed to use a TI-89, or 92, or anything else with a symbolic manipulator. So don't bring in a PC, have some network cable across the desks or something."

"Think of how much smarter you made everyone else feel."

"I'm going to the beach today." - Jason
"No, sticking your feet in the kitty litter box doesn't count."

"What, you jab yourself in the foot with a hypodermic needle? 'Ooo, I'm at the New Jersey beach!'"

"Brandon auctioned off a half hour of wrestling practice. We found out
the guy who won was a 39 year old pedophile from Virginia. 'Hey Brandon, can I start out on top?'"

"Hey Brandon, you don't need to bring your tights. We're gonna wrestle like they did in ancient Greece. Naked."

"'Mr. Giffhorn, are those your aides?' Yeah, they're tripping."

"Jason, do you have a girlfriend? I'm not asking for me, I'm a married man."

"You have any mace on you? How about a tazer?"

"When you get it back, I’ll say you owe me $10 for grading this."

"Use echo location, dolphin boy."

"Be nice to the kids who twitch a lot."

"If you win, we give you a million dollars. If you lose, you go home with a pair of steak knives."

"Keep it stupid, simple." - Becky

"You should give him credit. He made an effort to lie." - Brandon

"You're allowed one murder within six months of completing basic training? 'You're allowed to kill someone?' Yeah, you're on the list."

"Wait, that's the same thing." - Rajya
"But I said it in a different tone of voice."

"Then after I made fun of David, I found out he's really good at some type of karate that uses swords."

"Please let there be negative time! H.G. Wells, where are you?"

"Meat loaf! It's a loaf of meat! How much better can you get?"

"Isn't 'encompasses' three letters?" - Dan

"See, this is math I can do. Addition and subtraction." - Dan

"You're officially no longer a guy." - Corey Cossentino

"You know, the stork is just a myth. Just making sure you know."

"That's wrong, it's off by the millionth decimal place, if you look back behind the screen."

"I don't have any Star Wars virtual reality holographic thing."
"And I thought this was a tech magnet school." - Dan

"There are no seashells in calculus."

"He couldn't get a 500. I had a plant get a 500. It was a Chia pet with an attitude."

"You guys might want to look at Joey's Diesel Mechanic School as a safety school."

"I have a flesh-eating bacteria. I can't go to prom with you."

"Elliott, you got a date?"
"I got a date." - Elliott
"Clarksville Elementary has one less single person."

"Mr. Giffhorn, why is your student hanging out of a broken window?"
"That’s just Elliott."

"Probably none of you know how much 60 km/h is."
"In Canada they do." - Becky
"That's why they're all screwed up."

"Barney only works on PBS, he's a dinosaur. He's extinct. He's peat moss."

"We're just dumbifying it until you get to the higher levels."

"Why does anyone ask, 'When are we gonna use this'? You're not going to!" - Jason

"Let's say you have 750 pounds, or maybe Becky."

"Don't want you getting too smart, you might learn something. Might start getting some of that free will. None of that free will crap in here."

"Those models can fit into certain clothes." - Thea
"Yeah, they can fit into a Pringles can."

"Ally McBeal... if you saw her eating a hamburger, you'd probably see it working its way down like a snake."

"I should get extra credit for you making fun of me." - Elliott

"I'll be an engineer, do some mulching on the side."

"You don't like us?" - Thea
"No, I don't."

"Elliott, I choose you!"

"I am a Pokémon master, I can teach no more."

"My boxers aren't pressed!”

"Who thinks that back table is slowly deteriorating in mind power?”

"Who did you go with?"
"A girl named Meredith." - Todd
"You meet her at the 8th grade orientation?"

"Hey little girl, want to go to Prom? I got a Pokémon watch! Wait, that's just Elliott's picture."

"Do they have a field, or do you have to play in Central Park around the homeless people?"

"Donatello? His sister is named after a mutant turtle?"

"This is my uncle, Master Splinter."

"Do you pronounce Target tar-je?"

"My shoes are Bostonian. Thea's thinking, 'Is that Italian for crap?'"

"I would've failed the bonus quiz. I would've lost points." - Jesse Richa

"So now you can be mean to us because you're leaving?" - Thea
"No, I was mean to you all year."

"You realize that most of your employers will make you submit to a drug test?"

"I need my heroin!"

"She might date you. You have a Porsche."

"My advice is, if you don't know what it is, pick it up and start throwing it around."

"So now we're throwing around the Ten Commandments. Even better."

"I went to school in Pennsylvania. We got the first day of deer hunting season off."

"We had WASPs, white trash, and blacks."
"Which one were you?" - Rajya
"I was black."

"She was flipping burgers at McDonalds, and I picked her up. Hey baby, like them McNuggets."

"Hello, FBI? Can I speak to Witness Protection?"

"I should've traced the call and found out where she was and called in artillery fire."

"Why do you have so many weird problems?"

"Okay, we got Carlton, Boy Meets World, and Screech."

"And Ki's coming back from basic training with weapons skills, so be nice to him."

"He exceeded the IQ limit for the Marines. 4."

"Good God no! She'd have to shop at Target!"

"Dude, you didn't have a date until you went to that family reunion."

"Work hard. I will push you. Some of you out the window."

"Elliott, you're gonna be the first one I help push. I'm gonna see if you fit in my filing cabinet."

"You take off your shirt, we'll just see how much you look like Tweety Bird."

"My geometry class, if you put 3 of them together, their IQ drops by 10."

"I was gonna get beer for some of my students, get some Budweiser girls in here, have a party."

"Is that still in a contagious state? If it is, rub it on Jason."

"Whenever hubcaps are stolen, we immediately turn to Corey." - Dan

"It's a Corvette. It looks like a Porsche, only American."

"Brandon's always over my house. He's giving me wrestling lessons."

"Wanna get an A in here? Lemme see that watch."

"I'm dropping the class." - Todd
"You keep saying that, but you keep showing up."

"This would make a great T-shirt. Too bad we'd all get fired."

05-02-2001, 06:33 PM
Um.....without going into a ton of detail, suffice to say I'm tired, upset, and feel very alone tonight.

Hug? Anyone? Please?

05-02-2001, 06:35 PM
Originally posted by Falcon
Um.....without going into a ton of detail, suffice to say I'm tired, upset, and feel very alone tonight.

Hug? Anyone? Please?


Need to talk? I'm here.

05-02-2001, 06:38 PM

So am I, my friend, and a fresh batch of humor lies above your head.

05-03-2001, 08:50 AM
Bored? Uninspired? Unexpectedly sober? Why not take advantage of your
downtime and screw with other people's heads?

Maxim Online

By Justin Heimberg and David Gomberg

Start scuffle in Foot Locker; try to get salesman to give you a technical.
At Barnes and Noble, hang out in Self-Help section, hit on vulnerable women.
Try to grate cheese using an escalator.
When department store employees spray you with cologne samples, scream, "I'm melting?I'm melting?So much pain?Death is welcome?," and crumple to ground.
At Abercrombie & Fitch, badger other customers with lengthy explanations of why Abercrombie is far superior to Fitch; distribute propaganda.
Offer to pay for things in a) pennies, b) acorns, or c) "tales of adventure."
Go to TGI Friday's; order table for two. Insist that Steve Guttenberg will be joining you; feign heartbreak when he doesn't show up.
Ask news shop if they have the latest edition of Inhaler Aficionado.
Try on biking shorts that are too small for you. Stand in front of mirror, scrutinizing fit. Elicit sales clerk's opinion.
Teach the pet store parrots to say, "I have a prehensile penis and retractable testicles."
Go to Victoria's Secret; hand clerk sexy lingerie, tell her, "You look about my girlfriend's size. Could you try this on?"
Do the same thing but say, "You look about my mom's size."
Do the same thing but say, "You look about Ben Gazzara's size."
Walk up to someone and "recognize" them as Carrie Fisher. Insist on getting an autograph.
Open cans of tennis balls, inhale fumes; tell people in giggly slur that "Sports Authority is much better if you're stoned."
Go to fancy hairstylist; tell them you want to look "exactly like Reverend Al Sharpton."


Lay slabs of beef on sauna rocks.
Spot intense weightlifters and discourage effort. "Don't worry about it. Don't strain. You don't have to prove anything."
Double up on treadmill.
Get hand strengthener stuck in your mouth. Appeal plaintively for help, with groans.
Mistake Coke machine for exercise equipment. Attempt to use the machine in every conceivable way. Exasperated, finally tell others it is out of order.
Crack walnuts in Nautilus machine.
Wear Floatties in hot tub.
If they ask, "Need a spot?" answer a) "I could really use one at the urinal," b) "I don't do drugs," or c) "No, thanks. Ernest Borgnine will be here soon."
Put picture of Father Guido Sarducci up on wall. Do sit-ups, lightly touching your lips to picture as you crest.
Constantly explain to huge muscle-dudes that they're "doing it all wrong."
Ask people if they know a really good forehead exercise.
Tell employee that your clothes were stolen. When asked what they look like, describe exactly what he/she is wearing.


Ask priest for low-fat communion wafer.
Giggle like schoolgirl anytime priest or minister mentions moral "duty."
Start the wave.
Inflate and pass around pre-sermon beach ball.
Fart. Claim it wasn't you but rather "Jesus working through" you.
After minister quotes from Bible, say in really sarcastic tone, "Yeah, right" or "I'm sure."
Mispronounce God.
Cover pews with bacon bits "to ward off the demons."
Claim you have found God, then bring in shackled Nipsey Russell.
Pencil in Malone after each Moses in Bible.
Human beat-box during hymns.
Quote fake Bible passages (e.g., "There are no time-outs in the world of professional wrestling," Shemp 3:23).
Wear novelty vampire teeth and cape; cower and hiss whenever cross gets near you.
Exhale tired "When is the friggin' monologue gonna be over?"
Call minister a) Rabbi, b) Your Honor, c) Admiral, or d) Mr. Roboto.
After minister concludes sermon, yell out scornfully, "What do you want, a biscuit?"
Take Bible in hand and ask neighbor, "Is this the book they always put in the hotels?"
Sneak into confessional booth, pose as priest; command confessor to say three Hail Marys and 10 rosaries, do 15 push-ups, and watch the Cannonball Run movies twice in a row.


If he asks, "Do you know why I pulled you over?" answer a) "Because of the lynx?" b) "The stench of the decaying Mildred?" or c) "You like my groove thing."
Make pathetic attempt to hypnotize him.
Offer him a spoonful of gravy if he'll let you go. Slyly show him the bowl in the glove compartment. Wink.
Apologize. Explain that you have an irresistIble, biological "need for speed." Show him Medic Alert bracelet.


When interviewer goes to shake your hand, suddenly pull it away, rub it through hair, and slyly say, "Psych."
In middle of sentence, gasp in trailing voice, "Feeling sleepy?Must get antidote?Need anti?," then fall unconscious.
Ask him/her to join you in a duet of "Summer Lovin'." If he/she refuses, do both parts.
Periodically take off shoes and smell your feet.
On job application, under criminal record, write, "Arrested for a) indecent display of plaid, b) obscene use of overhead projector, or c) stalking Golden Girls."
Relentlessly bitch about how the Belgians are taking all our jobs.
If they ask, "What are your hobbies?" answer, a) "Indoor sorcery," b) "Cabbage-stacking," or c) "Collecting Alexander Haig memorabilia."
If they ask, "Why do you think you're qualified for this job?" answer by a) unzipping your pants, b) placing two-pound lobster on desk, or c) saying, "Uh?right?credentials," looking around with nervous smile,
then diving out window.
When interviewer isn't looking, quickly swap his/her family photos with pictures of cast of Good Times.
Yawn into hand, plunge hand into pocket, and say, "I'll save that for later."
Avoid eye contact; invariably stare at his/her a) hair, b) chin, c) left hand, or d) crotch.


Tag a sardonic "for a girl" onto all your compliments, as in "That skirt looks real nice on you?for a girl."
Fill pants with mulch. Let a little fall out from time to time; whisper, "Oh, no, it's happening again."
Upon meeting her, scrape finger across her shoulder, taste, and say, "You'll do."
Attempt to do napkin origami. Fail. Be ruthlessly hard on yourself ("I suck"; "I'm such a loser").
Order: a) fudge-and-ham sandwich, b) gin on ground beef, or c) jar of mayonnaise with cherries in it.
Add: "And the same for the lady."
When she orders her meal, shake head and smirk. If she inquires what the problem is, just laugh and say with intense sarcasm, "No, good choice. Really."
Utter all statements with interrogative inflection?


Give your arm a hickey, adding a new one each day. Say you're getting a disease.
In roommate's presence, cook only one meal: a lime in a toaster.
Feign masturbating to a) old photograph of "Where's the beef?" lady, b) Fozzy Bear, c) poorly drawn crayon picture of your roommate, or d) biography of Harriet Tubman.
When you know your roommate isn't around, call and leave
absurd/ambiguous messages for yourself in different voices. Examples: [polite] "Hi. Your robot is ready." [fed up] "Return my helmet. This is just getting ridiculous."[panicked] "The sherbet has fermented. I
repeat, the sherbet has fermented. Action needed."
Sleep between mattress and box spring.
Use toothpaste for all hygiene purposes.
Listen to only one song, over and over: "Party All the Time" by Eddie Murphy.
Constantly grab the air around you as if you are walking through cobwebs. Suspect roommate's involvement.
Organize all CDs by "increasing funkiness." Do the same with your socks.
Quiz roommate. Become irate at his mistakes.


Read "Family Circus" comics; laugh hysterically.
Attempt to start chant of "USA! USA!"
Look at person, then scribble notes furiously. Repeat sporadically.
Enter out of breath. Glare intensely. Ask people if they are "Milton" and if they know where you can find him. Leave at next floor, swearing.
Scatter birdseed on floor. Upon receiving quizzical looks, reassure elevator mates with gentle smile and say, "For Pepe."
When someone enters, act like you are coming to and shout deliriously,"Where's my piccolo?"
Sit down.
Lie down.
Get down.
As you exit, dive out Indiana Jones style, then retrieve hat just in time.

Now that the dwarves' number had been reduced from 50 to 8,
the other seven started to suspect Hungry....

05-06-2001, 09:56 AM
I need a pick-me-up. Some of this, I can't go into detail. Some of it, I've already posted in my Floridian in NY thread. What I REALLY need right now are a lot of hugs and a couple hours of just being held and told that everything is going to be alright, even if it ultimately won't be.

Damn, the stupid impulsiveness of mine. Give me a drink, and sweep out the fireplace. Stand back, because the force of this one just might spray out a little into the crowd.

"To Dreams"

(By the way, Tygr, I'd tried to reply to your own toast from a couple of days ago, but the system kept locking. Suffice it to say, my drink followed yours there.)

05-06-2001, 10:24 AM

You still made the right choice. When you leave fire, you have to expect to feel a little singed when you land.

I'd have been shocked if you made your way to NY and there were no problems at all! This is real life, we have them occasionally. Don't give up hope! Think of it this way - no matter how awful of a time you're having now, you've escaped the clutches of the Evil Stepmom. There ain't nothin in the world that can compare with that.

Remember that exhiliration you felt when you flew the coop? Hang onto that!

[I admit I haven't made it over to your other thread, so some of this may not apply.. :( ]

When I tried to move to Tennessee (I think I told you this), I ran into insurmountable challenge after challenge; to add to such sundry misdemeanors, I was completely alone. I had no friends, I had no family, and by the end, I had no self-esteem.

You, on the other hand, do have friends up there (I think!); you have friends here, fer sure; and dammit, if you don't have self-esteem from all the guys hitting on ya here, I don't know what!


Anyway, buck up, lil pilgrim!

05-06-2001, 02:26 PM
{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{True Pisces}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Have faith, my friend. Things will all workout in the fullness of time.

"Build your castles in the sky for that is where they belong. Now work to build the foundations under them."

Sounds like you've been digging as hard and fast as ya could, and I wish you continued blessings and luck as you work on making this dream a reality.

<steps up to the chalk line>

"To fulfilling dreams."

<crash> <tinkle>

05-06-2001, 03:45 PM
*hugs TruePisces hard and whispers that everything will be okay*

Check your email, hon. We WILL get through this. *hugs again*

05-07-2001, 07:15 PM

1. Any and all compliments can be handled by simply saying "Thank you"
though it helps if you say it with a Southern accent.

2. Some people are working backstage, some are playing in the orchestra,
some are on-stage singing, some are in the audience as critics and
some are there to applaud. Know who and where you are.

3. Never give yourself a haircut after three margaritas.

4. When baking, follow directions. When cooking, go by your own taste.

5. Never continue dating anyone who is rude to the waiter.

6. Good sex should involve laughter. Because it's, you know, funny.

7. You need only two tools. WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move
and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn't, use the tape.

8. If you tell a lie, don't believe it deceives only the other person.

9. The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship:
"I apologize" and "You are right".

10. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

11. When you make a mistake, make amends immediately. It's easier
to eat crow while it's still warm.

12. The only really good advice that I remember my mother ever gave
me was "Go! You might meet somebody!"

13. If she says that you are too good for him--believe her.

14. I've learned to pick my battles; I ask myself, Will this matter one
year from now? How about one month? One week? One day?

15. At hard times I ask myself, "How do I feel? What do I want?" I
use it whenever I'm at loss for words or thoughts.

16. Never pass up an opportunity to pee.

17. If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You have another chance!

18. If you move far from your family when you're young, consider
choosing a career with an airline. Your need to see your family will
last lifetime, as will your travel benefits.

19. Living well really is the best revenge. Being miserable because
of a bad or former relationship just proves that the other person
was right about you.

20. Be really nice to your friends because you never know when you
are going to need them to empty your bed urinal and hold your hand.

21. Work is good but it's not that important.

22. Never underestimate the kindness of your fellow man.

23. And finally... Being happy doesn't mean everything perfect, it just
means you've decided to see beyond the imperfections.

05-08-2001, 10:31 PM
Actually, I need to be pciked up this time. I just learned my uncle was diagnosed with throat cancer and it doesn't look good at all. This my mother's last sibling, so if you could keep them both in your prayers and send any spare karma his way I'd appreciate it.

05-08-2001, 10:33 PM
*big hugs* You got it, hon.

05-09-2001, 07:31 PM
Thanks, Falcon.


A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it's a bad one.
Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither
of them are hurt.

After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says,
"So you're a man, that's interesting. I'm a woman.

Wow, just look at our cars!
There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must
be a sign that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace
for the rest of our days."

The man replied, "I agree with you completely. This
must be a sign!"

The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another
miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't
break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good

Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his
head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then
hands it back to the woman.

The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap
back on, and hands it back to the man.

The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"

The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police."

05-10-2001, 02:35 AM
Just shoot me already:(

Well,Falcon knows a little about this...

I met a guy here on the SDMB...no not who everyone thinks it is and I'm not naming names. We started emailing and became close friends very quickly. He supported me so much the last time I fell for someone online.

Well, things started going from "we're just friends" to "I have feelings for you." on both our parts.

And here's where the suck factor kicks in:

1) At the time,w/o going into detail, we can't be together now. I want to be with him, he says he wants to be with me and it fucking sucks.
2) My IRL friends have basically told me they won't support me since I didn't learn my lesson the first time. I understand their point but it would be nice if they would not judge me and fucking help me here.
3) Hi Opal
4) I trust him I do but every little point my friends brings up is rolling around in my head. Maybe he is pulling my chain to get what he wants. I doubt him and I hate that.

So....I'm calling in to work today since I haven't been able to sleep. I'm calling him later and as much as I hate to push him, I need to know what's going on here. I need to know what he wants. I can't live like this-not knowing and waiting.

05-10-2001, 07:49 AM
First, {{{{{{Verrain}}}}}}

A big hug for the man who keeps this going. I wish I could do more than good thoughts and hugs. But if you think of anything, let me know, ok???

Second, {{{hardygrrl}}}

If this is the situation that I know it is, PLEASE be careful. I'll support you, no matter what. That is something I think (hope) you know. But I want you to be careful too. My e-mail is always open, so drop me a line when you can, ok? You CAN get through this, I know.

05-10-2001, 08:08 AM
Thanks, True Pisces. If I think of anything, I'll let you know.


Once again, don't know the details, don't need too. Whatever support I can give through this screen, I will.

And now for something completely different, humor!


"ENTRY-LEVEL POSITION:" You'll be making under $7 an hour.

"ENTRY-LEVEL POSITION IN AN UP-AND-COMING COMPANY:" You'll be making under $7 an hour; we'll be bankrupt in a year.

"AN UP-AND-COMING SOFTWARE COMPANY:" We want you to get your hopes up, but there's no chance in hell we'll be the next Microsoft.

"PROFIT-SHARING PLAN:" Once it's shared between the higher-ups, there won't be a profit.

"COMPETITIVE SALARY:" We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.

"JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY:" We have no time to train you; you'll have to introduce yourself to your coworkers.

"NATIONALLY RECOGNIZED LEADER:" Inc. Magazine wrote us up a few years ago, but we haven't done anything innovative since.

"IMMEDIATE OPENING:" The person who used to have this job gave notice a month ago. We're just now running the ad.

"SALES POSITION REQUIRING MOTIVATED SELF-STARTER:" We're not going to supply you with leads; there's no base salary; you'll wait 30 days for your first commission check.

"SELF-MOTIVATED:" Management won't answer questions

"WE OFFER GREAT BENEFITS:" After 90 days, you can join our HMO which has a $500 deductible and a $25 co-pay.

"PENSION/RETIREMENT BENEFITS:" After 3 years, we'll allow you to fund your own 401(k) and, if you behave, we'll give you a 5 percent matching contribution.

"SEEKING ENTHUSIASTIC, FUN, HARD WORKING, PEOPLE:"...who still live with their parents and won't mind our internship-level salaries.

"CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE:" We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up; well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.

"COMPETITIVE ENVIRONMENT:" We have a lot of turnover.

"EXCITING AND PROFESSIONAL WORK ENVIRONMENT:" Guys in gray suits will bore you with tales of squash and their weekends on yachts.

"JOIN OUR DYNAMIC TEAM:" We all listen to nutty motivational tapes.

"FUN WORK ENVIRONMENT:" Your coworkers will be insulted if you don't drink with them.

"A DRUG-FREE WORK ENVIRONMENT:" We booze it up at company parties.

"MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED:" You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.

"SOME PUBLIC RELATIONS REQUIRED:" If we're in trouble, you'll go on TV and get us out of it.

"SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED:" Some time each night and some time each weekend.

"SALARY RANGE $24k-$32k:" We'll offer you $22k to start.

"A HIGHLY VISIBLE POSITION:" You'll give boring speeches on your own time.

"FLEXIBLE HOURS:" Work 40 hours; get paid for 25.

"DUTIES WILL VARY:" Anyone in the office can boss you around.

"WHERE EMPLOYEES FEEL VALUED:" Those who missed the last round of layoffs, that is.

"MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL:" We have no quality control.

"COLLEGE DEGREE PREFERRED:" Unless you wasted those four years studying something useless like philosophy, English or religion.

"NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE:" We've filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.

"SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE:" You'll need it to replace three people who just left.

"PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST:" You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.

"REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS:" You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.

"GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS:" Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it.

"ABILITY TO HANDLE A HEAVY WORKLOAD:" You whine, you're fired.


05-10-2001, 08:32 AM
Thanks, Verrain... you post this now that I've got the job! :D

05-10-2001, 09:05 PM
Well....we had the talk. He knows how I feel, I know how he feels and right now....to quote Doris Day "que sera sera."

I'm leaving it up the all the spirits and the goddesses. Things will work out somehow, like they always do and I just have to see exactly HOW they'll work out.

Like I told him....if we didn't have so much in common, if we couldn't finish each other's sentences annd read each other's minds....I could just walk away. But I can't,I won't and he doesn't want me to. :)

When we hear songs or watch movies and think of each other ::sigh:: I can't hear the song Lounge Act by Nirvana w/o thinking of him..the line "I've got this friend you see. And he makes me feel.And I want him more than I can steal"......sigh :)

We even talked about how if we do meet IRL, the chemistry may not be there. We both doubt that but we realize it's possible. At least we inject some realism into this. :)

Hopefully,things WILL work out. For everyone involved and happily.

Wish me luck here.....

05-11-2001, 08:16 AM
Good luck, {b]Hardygrrl[/b]. Hope it all works out well in the end.

Eleanor Roosevelt wrote:
Many people will walk in and out of your life, But
only true friends will leave footprints in your heart.

To handle yourself, use your head; To handle others,
use your heart.

Anger is only one letter short of danger.

If someone betrays you once, it is his fault; If he
betrays you twice, it is your fault

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss
events; Small minds discuss people.

He who loses money, loses much; He, who loses a
friend, loses much more; He, who loses faith, loses all.

Beautiful young people are accidents of nature,But
beautiful old people are works of art.

Learn from the mistakes of others. You can't live
long enough to make them all yourself.

Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is mystery. Today is
a gift.

05-13-2001, 08:14 AM
Just in need.

Hugs, flirts and well wishes more than the jokes this time, please.

05-13-2001, 10:40 AM
{{{{{{{{{{True Pisces}}}}}}}}}}

So True Pisces, how YOU doin? :D

I am trying to move hell and high water to get to meet you on your trip up. I don't want to miss an opportunity to see someone so special.

Until we post again, I wish you peace.

05-13-2001, 11:02 AM
Your support is appreciated. Rest assured, if she doesn't see you on the way up, I will make sure she visits. It isn't that long a trip, I've made it a few times.

05-13-2001, 11:51 AM
Thanks, lurker. And me finding my way to New York is an easy trip too really. We'll all find each other someday.

05-15-2001, 08:25 PM
I think.....I think I have honestly never felt this shitty in my life. I'm in shock, and sobbing, and unbelievably hurt. And I still care too much about the person to say what he did.

Just please, please.....I need kind words and hugs so badly right now.

05-15-2001, 08:31 PM

So sorry to hear life once again beats you about the head and shoulders.

Subject: You are Snuggled

You have just been snuggled by a person who cares for you!

"I wish for you..."
Comfort on difficult days,
Smiles when sadness intrudes,
Rainbows to follow the clouds,
Laughter to kiss your lips,
Sunsets to warm your heart,
Gentle hugs when spirits sag,
Friendships to brighten your being,
Beauty for your eyes to see,
Confidence for when you doubt,
Faith so that you can believe,
Courage to know yourself,
Patience to accept the truth,
And love to complete your life.

05-16-2001, 08:24 AM

I know it hurts. It really sucks. You can have a shoulder to cry on tonight if you wish.

05-23-2001, 07:28 AM
I wish I had time for a full rant but suffice it to say I am in the middle of grad student Hell and I need to be picked up. Hugs, humor, quotes, anything you have to lift the spirits, please pile it on.

05-23-2001, 09:42 AM

Having spent last year in perpetual Grad School Hell, I just wanted to hop in here and tell you what you no doubt already know: the feeling of relief and joy after having squeezed through finals or whatever other projects are going on is worth EVERY minute of it.

So hang in there, and just remember that this bout of hell is temporary. Do you have any summer plans to look forward to?

And while I'm here, random hugs and thoughts to Falcon and TruePisces.

05-23-2001, 09:58 AM

Never been in grad school hell, but I know it's probably not a lot of fun. My net access at home this week is spotty at best, but PLEASE email or IM me, hon. You know I'm here for ya. :)

As for humor, all I have is this....it's funnier if yer a cat owner.


1. Humans shall make no law respecting an establishment of boundaries or prohibiting the free exercise therein, or abridging the freedom of access, or the right to peaceful assembly. In other words: The cat is entitled to go outside anytime he wants.

2. A well-carried provisional chamber, being necessary to the fulfillment of a feline's whims, shall not be infringed. In other words: The cat is entitled to EAT anytime he wants.

3. The right of the feline to be secure in their domain and effects against unreasonable discomposure, shall not be violated. In other words: The cat is entitled to SLEEP anytime he wants.

4. Humans shall issue no warrants or decrees or edicts as prescribed to the demarcation of possessions or property which are in direct conflict with right of life, liberty and the pursuit of feline affirmation. In other words: The cat is entitled to sleep ANYWHERE he wants.

5. The feline shall be immune to all criminal accusations,
indictments and complaints. The accused shall enjoy the
right to a speedy and impartial dismissal of any and all
charges provided said feline's compulsory right to obtain
any or all witnesses, including character witnesses, are
obtained in his favor. In other words: Cats can do anything
they want as long as it's cute.

6. Neither serfdom, vassalage, or involuntary servitude will be tolerated, except by said cats in proprietorship of their humans. In other words: What I say goes. (And I say feed me ... Again.)

7. No Canis familiaris shall, in time of peace or at any
other time, be quartered in any dwelling without the consent of the potentate, nor in time of war, but in a manner to be prescribed by sovereign. In other words: No dogs in the house without my permission.

8. The right of the feline to be protected against
unreasonable search and seizures shall not be breached or
infringed upon at anytime or any place. In other words:
Don't disturb me when I am sleeping.

05-28-2001, 08:02 AM
Thank you Falcon and Pucette. The proposal is in and the defense is on the 14th of June and I can breathe again for a bit. ANd so on with the humor!

With apologies to any British who they need an apology.

> Erm, you have it entirely wrong. Americans can't, as a rule, speak or
> write their own language well enough to correct anyone on it, much less
> those who invented the language in the first place.
> The fact that "ain't" is now in the dictionary disturbs me no end. And
> the very fact that you spell "burglarise" with a 'z' (there are NO
> proper "ise" words which you spell with "ize" attests to your own
> acceptance of the complete mangling of the English language.

Surprize, surprize...
According to my American dictionary, I find several -ise verbs that the
Americans spell with an s instead of a z.
Circumcise, compromise, exercise, exorcise and improvise.
I find it disturbing that they insist on "anglicize" though...

In the interest of promoting friendship between the two countries, I decided
to develop a few programs to help translating between the two:

--- cut here --- to_us --- cut here ---
#!/bin/perl -pi.uk -e 's/ise((|s|d)\W)/ize$1/g; s/our((|s|ed)\W)/or$1/g'
--- cut here --- to_us --- cut here ---

--- cut here --- to_uk --- cut here ---
#!/bin/perl -pi.us -e 's/ize((|s|d)\W)/ize$1/g; s/or((|s|ed)\W)/our$1/g'
--- cut here --- to_uk --- cut here ---

to_uk <list of files to convert>
to_us <list of files to convert>

to_uk Version 1.00
to_us Version 1.00
Copyright (C) 2001 Arthur Hagen - all rights reservedized.

The next version will deal with translations like:

biscuit cookie
scone biscuit
lump of dough scone
fag cigarette
homo fag
gay happy
socialist communist
whig socialist
tory democrat
right-wing tory republican
green tree-hugging
bloke buddy
sod fuck
oops fuck
oh fuck
jolly fucking
very fucking
really fucking
quite fucking
guy motherfucker
bloody motherfucking
darn motherfucking
, , you know,
. , know what I mean?
! , man!
nude pornographic
nudity porn
flat apartment
lift elevator
chemists drug store
loo rest room
complain sue
chips fries
maize corn
corn grain
coffee espresso
tepid water coffee
cold water beer
tipsy drunk
drunk plastered
pissed dead drunk
annoyed pissed
irate postal
nice cool
cool cold
cold freezing
snow snow storm
drizzle rain storm
rain flood warning
light breeze wind storm
windy hurricane
foreign weather sunshine
brolly umbrella
telly TV
umpire referee
bowler pitcher
football soccer

I believe there could be a market for a conversion program like this.
Hmm - perhaps I should make a TealInfo translator?


05-28-2001, 08:09 AM

Hope all goes well for you.:)

06-08-2001, 07:48 PM
Thanks, Hardygrrl. Things are going fairly well. I did a dry run of my presentation. I have some work to do still, but things are coming along. Humor for my friends out there.

A man, called to testify at the IRS, asked his accountant
for advice on what to wear.

"Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let him think you are a
pauper," the accountant replied.

Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the
opposite advice. "Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your
most elegant suit and tie."

Confused, the man went to his Rabbi, told him of the
conflicting advice, and requested some resolution of the

"Let me tell you a story," replied the Rabbi. "A woman,
about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her
wedding night. 'Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that
goes right up to your neck.' But when she asked her best
friend, she got conflicting advice. 'Wear your most sexy
negligee, with a V neck right down to your navel.

The man protested: "What does all this have to do with my
problem with the IRS?"

"No matter what you wear, you are going to get screwed."

Fun Anagrams

Federal Government = Large fervent demon
Television = Evil on site
The Meaning of Life = The Offline Enigma
Political Correctness = Lies Control Practices
Life on Mars = Alien Forms
Walter Cronkite = Wet Latrine Cork
Richard Simmons = Disharmonic Mrs.
United States of America = And Fat Societies Mature
Democrats = Mad Sector
Republicans = Curable Spin
The Republican Party = Elephant Purity Crab
The Democratic Party = Pretty Chaotic Dream
Kentucky Fried Chicken = Yuck! Feet in drink. Check!
Howard Stern = Retard Shown
George Bush = He bugs Gore
Falsehoods = Hassle Food
The Country Side = No City

06-08-2001, 08:12 PM
Good to see you back Verrain

I finally learned to code since you've been gone

Keep the good thoughts coming...and the good wishes as well. I really want things to work out for me and SP , I really do. I want things to work out so everyone involved is happy.

To quote Tom Petty.."The waiting is the hardest part."


Missed you :)

06-11-2001, 10:48 AM
{{Hardygrrl}} Missed you and the rest of the board too. Here's some humor.

A man went into a pharmacy and asked to talk to a male pharmacist. The woman he was talking to said that she was the pharmacist and that she and her sister owned the store, so there were no males employed there. She then asked if there was something she could help the gentleman with.

The man said "this is embarrassing for me, but I have a permanent erection which causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment. I was wondering what you could give me for it?"

The pharmacist said "Just a minute, I'll go talk to my sister."

When she returned, she said, "the best we can do is 1/3 ownership in the store, $3000 a month and living expenses."

06-11-2001, 03:15 PM
Well, I'm sending mad hugs to TruePisces and Falcon today.

TruePisces, I'm really sorry about the current situation you are in. I wish there were more I could sanely do. We'll talk more about it tonight, but here's the hug {{{TP}}}, and here's asking you folks for hugs for you.

Falc, you're in my thoughts. You're doing better than I think I would be doing :) {{Amy}}

Hugs to Maeglin too... to quote Rasa in the other hug thread, "just because."

And hugs to anyone else who needs today. I'm just in that kind of mood...

06-11-2001, 03:55 PM
TruePisces and Falcon are in trouble? Quick to the Batmobile!

::Verrain flips on a cape, runs out to the garage and surveys his '89 Plymouth Acclaim. Suddenly his reality check is cashed.::

Okay let's go with plan B.

{{{TruePisces}}} {{{Falcon}}}

Sorry to hear life is once more troubling. I won't be around the IM's much this week but Email is always open.


Thanks for the hug while I'm still in grad school hell, and for letting us know two Doper pals need some support. As I have the time, I'll keep the humor flowing.

06-12-2001, 08:07 PM
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> So, where is the beef?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} If you would like a joke which makes a reference to the fast food
} industry using artificial meat products in their hamburgers, please
} press one.
} If you would like a joke about Mad Cow disease, please press two.
} If you would directions to the beef, please press three.
} If you would like us to locate the beef via the Global Positioning
} System, please press four.
} If you would like some vague sexual innuendo which takes the term
} "beef" to be a euphemism for something, please press five.
} [BEEP}
} In my pants, baby.
} You owe the Oracle a rotary telephone.

06-19-2001, 09:47 PM
Well, its not humor, but I felt a need to put things in perspective today.

If you woke up this morning with more health than illness...you are more blessed than the million who will not survive this week.

If you have never experienced the danger of battle, the loneliness of imprisonment, the agony of torture, or the pangs of starvation ... you are ahead of 500 million people in the world.

If you can attend a church meeting without fear of harassment, arrest, torture, or death...you are more blessed than three billion people in the world.

If you have food in the refrigerator, clothes on your back, a roof overhead and a place to sleep...you are richer than 75% of this world.

If you have money in the bank, in your wallet, and spare change in a dish someplace ... you are among the top 8% of the world's wealthy.

If your parents are still alive and still married ... you are very rare, even in the United States and Canada.

If you hold up your head with a smile on your face and are truly thankful...you are blessed because the majority can, but most do not.

If you can hold someone's hand, hug them, or even touch them on the shoulder...you are blessed because you can offer healing touch.

If you can read this message, you just received a double blessing in that someone was thinking of you, and furthermore, you are more blessed than over two billion people in the world that cannot read at all.

Hugs and blessings to you all.

Spider Woman
06-20-2001, 06:21 AM
And hugs and kisses and good wishes to all of you who have been keeping this thread going.

----\:)/ x o x o x

06-20-2001, 09:39 PM
Here's your weekly safety brief. Be careful what you wear (or don't wear), when working under your vehicle...especially in public.

From the Sydney Morning Herald Australia comes this story of a central west couple who drove their car to K-Mart only to have their car break down in the parking lot. The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car there in the lot.

The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones

Unable to stand the embarrassment she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts and tucked everything back into place.

On regaining her feet she looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by. The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his head.

06-24-2001, 09:17 AM
Recently I had the following encounter in the deli section of a large grocery store:

Me: I'd like a pint of the jello salad, please.

(The kid behind the counter reaches for the cup-sized container.)

Me: Sorry -- pint, not cup.
Kid: Huh?
Me: (pointing) This size.
Kid: Oh. That's a pound.
Me: That depends on what you put in it.
Kid: Huh?
Me: "Pint" is volume, not weight. What that amount weighs depends on what you put in it.
Kid: This is a pound, not a pint.
Me: If you fill it with potato salad it's probably more than a pound; if you fill it with that marshmallow fluff it's a lot less.
Kid: Huh?
Me: Never mind, just give me a pound of jello.

In case you're wondering, my pound of jello weighed about 12 ounces.

06-24-2001, 10:09 AM
Do they measure Jello in Troy oz?

BTW, the mechanic story was very funny - though I'd jump if anyone "handled" me when I wasn't expecting it, even if she normally had permission.

06-25-2001, 11:17 PM
lurkernomore, Spider Woman Thank you for the thanks. It is good to know people are reading and enjoying.

Top 20 ways to say "Your Fly Is Open"

20) The cucumber has left the salad.
19) I can see the gun of Navarone.
18) Someone tore down the wall, and your Pink Floyd is hanging out.
17) You've got Windows in your laptop.
16) Sailor Ned's trying to take a little shore leave.
15) Your soldier ain't so unknown now.
14) Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bell.
13) Paging Mr. Johnson... Paging Mr. Johnson...
12) You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position.
11) Your pod bay door is open, Hal.
10) Elvis Junior has LEFT the building!
9) Mini Me is making a break for the escape pod.
8) Ensign Hanes is reporting a hull breach on the lower deck, Sir!
7) The Buick is not all the way in the garage.
6) Dr. Kimble has escaped!
5) You've got your fly set for "Monica" instead of "Hillary."
4) Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction...
3) You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones.
2) I'm talking about Shaft, can you dig it?


1) I thought you were crazy; now I see your nuts.

mematz <mematz@msn.com>
Ruth Kluchenek <RAKSMK@aol.com>, patti b burns <burnspattib@aol.com>,Mary Cox <JMNMO@aol.com>, Marilyn Gannon <marmay8th@aol.com>,Marge
Koprowski <richmarg@waypt.com>, Marge Kennedy <KENMARGEinFL@aol.com>, Linda Rogers <SNLVNI@aol.com>, Karen Howell <DOKAN2000@aol.com>,
"John W. Wasem" <mesaw1@email.msn.com>,Janet Slavik <JanJans26@aol.com>, Jack & Natalie Welt <NatJack222@aol.com>, Fjbanie@aol.com, elizabeth
lang <doinhair2@yahoo.com>, donna barber <joebloww2000@yahoo.com>,Diane courtright <Player5094@aol.com>
Fri, 22 Jun 2001 12:05:17 -0500

----- Original Message -----
From: Alice Frazier
To: mailto:Undisclosed-Recipient:@snipe.mail.pas.earthlink.net
Sent: Friday, June 22, 2001 6:43 AM

Top 20 ways to say "Your Fly Is Open"

20) The cucumber has left the salad.
19) I can see the gun of Navarone.
18) Someone tore down the wall, and your Pink Floyd is hanging out.
17) You've got Windows in your laptop.
16) Sailor Ned's trying to take a little shore leave.
15) Your soldier ain't so unknown now.
14) Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bell.
13) Paging Mr. Johnson... Paging Mr. Johnson...
12) You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position.
11) Your pod bay door is open, Hal.
10) Elvis Junior has LEFT the building!
9) Mini Me is making a break for the escape pod.
8) Ensign Hanes is reporting a hull breach on the lower deck, Sir!
7) The Buick is not all the way in the garage.
6) Dr. Kimble has escaped!
5) You've got your fly set for "Monica" instead of "Hillary."
4) Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction...
3) You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones.
2) I'm talking about Shaft, can you dig it?


1) I thought you were crazy; now I see your nuts.

07-09-2001, 08:51 AM
Back from my vacation and ready to rock!


My mother taught me...

"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside - I just
finished cleaning!"

My mother taught me RELIGION
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the
middle of next week!"

My mother taught me LOGIC
"Because I said so, that's why."

My mother taught me FORESIGHT
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an

My mother taught me IRONY
"Keep laughing and I'll 'give' you something to cry about."

My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper!"

My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM
"Will you 'look' at the dirt on the back of your neck!"

My mother taught me about STAMINA
"You'll sit there 'til all that spinach is finished."

My mother taught me about WEATHER
"It looks as if a tornado swept through your room."

My mother taught me how to solve PHYSICS PROBLEMS
"If I yelled because I saw a meteor coming toward you; would you
listen then?"

My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY
"If I've told you once, I've told you a million times - Don't

My mother taught me THE CIRCLE OF LIFE
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION
"Stop acting like your father!"

My mother taught me about ENVY
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who
don't have wonderful parents like you do!"

The Big Cheese
07-09-2001, 01:39 PM
My girlfriend cheated on me, I took her back, then she broke up with me later because I had a problem with her going naked hot-tubbing with her mostly-male friends, including her ex-husband (and I’m crying over her???). My programming job is sooooo boring, but the State is giving us a .7% raise this year!!!! I’m too depressed to work out. Went for a bike ride yesterday in the 90 degree heat, and got a flat tire that couldn’t be fixed about 5 miles from home and had to walk home. Guess this qualifies to say something.

I only read the first and last pages, so I apoligize if this was said already:

Top Ten Drawbacks to Working in a Cubicle:

10) Being told to "Think Outside the Box" when I'm in a @#$%? box all day!
9) Not being able to check E-mail attachments without first seeing who is behind me.
8) Fabric cubicle walls do not offer much protection from any kind of gunfire.
7) That nagging feeling that if I just press the right button, I will get a piece of cheese.
6) Lack of roof rafters for the noose.
5) My walls are too close together for my hammock to work right.
4) 23 power cords, 1 outlet.
3) Prison cells are not only bigger, they have beds.
2) When tours come through, I get lots of peanuts thrown at me.
1) Can't slam the door when you quit and walk out.

07-09-2001, 07:50 PM
Whoa! That's tough tlmtlm59. I hope the kind words and humor here have helped to brighten a dark time a bit. And if it hasn't then, by golly, we'll go arrange what will. Naked hot tubbing with female Dopers? No problem! An all expense paid tour of Nepal by yak drawn cart? Just name the type of yak! We are here for you, my man. Hope things get better in time.

The Big Cheese
07-10-2001, 07:39 AM
Hot tubbing AND Yaks??? I knew I could count on you guys!

"The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get at the end of it? A Death.

What's that, a bonus? I think the life cycle is all backwards.

You should die first, get it out of the way. Then you live in an old age home. You get kicked out when you're too young, you get a gold watch, you go to work.

You work forty years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You do drugs, alcohol, you party, you get ready for high school.

You go to grade school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a little baby, you go back into the womb, you spend your last nine months floating. . .you finish off as an orgasm."

-George Carlin

07-10-2001, 11:10 PM
If a dog were your teacher, you would learn stuff like:

When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.

Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joyride.

Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure ecstasy.

When it's in your best interest, practice obedience.

Let others know when they've invaded your territory.

Take naps and stretch before rising.

Run, romp, and play daily.

Thrive on attention and let people touch you.

Avoid biting when a simple growl will do.

On warm days, stop to lie on your back on the grass.

On hot days, drink lots of water and lie under a shady tree.

When you're happy, dance around and wag your entire body.

No matter how often you're scolded, don't buy into the guilt thing and pout... run right back and make friends.

Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.

Eat with gusto and enthusiasm. Stop when you have had enough.

Be loyal.

Never pretend to be something you're not.

If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it.

And MOST of all...

When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle them gently.

07-11-2001, 07:45 PM

1.* You just tried to enter your password on the microwave.

2.* You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.

3.* You call your son's beeper to let him know it's time to eat. He
you back from his bedroom, "What's for dinner?"

4.* Your daughter sells Girl Scout Cookies via her web site.

5.* You chat several times a day with a stranger from South Africa, but
haven't spoken with your next door neighbor yet this year.

6.* You check the ingredients on a can of chicken noodle soup to see if
it contains Echinacea.

7.* Your grandmother asks you to send her a JPEG file of your newborn so
she can create a new screen saver.

8.* You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see
if anyone is home.

9.* Every commercial on television has a web-site address at the bottom
of the screen.

10.* You buy a computer and 6 months later it's out of date and now
sells for half the price you paid.

11. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have
the first 20 or 30 years of your life is cause for panic and
turning around to go get it.

12.* Using real money, instead of credit or debit, to make a purchase
would be a hassle and take planning.

13.* Cleaning up the dining room means getting the fast food bags out of
the back seat of your car.

14.* Your reason for not staying in touch with family is that they
don't have e-mail addresses.

15.* You consider second-day air delivery painfully slow.

16.* Your dining room table is now your flat filing cabinet.

17.* Your idea of being organized is multiple-colored Post-it notes.

18.* You hear most of your jokes via e-mail instead of in person.

19.* You get an extra phone line so you can get phone calls.

20.* You disconnect from the Internet and get this awful feeling, as if
you just pulled the plug on a loved one.

21.* You get up in the morning and go on-line before getting your coffee.

22.* You wake up at 2 AM to go to the bath room and check your E-mail
on your way back to bed.

23.* You start tilting your head sideways to smile. :)

24.* You're thinking how true all of this is.

25.* Even worse, you're probably going to forward it to someone else.

The Big Cheese
07-12-2001, 01:30 PM
The Fifteen Interludes of Life

1. Don't go for wealth - it can deceive;
Don't be hung up on looks - they will fade away.
Go for someone who makes you smile
'cause only a smile makes a dark day bright.
Have hope that you find that person who gets you smiling.

2. May you have enough happiness to make you sweet,
enough trials to make you strong,
enough sorrow to keep you human,
enough hope to make you happy and
enough money to buy gifts!!!

3. When one door of happiness closes, another opens but often we look so long at the closed door that we don't see the one which has been opened for us.

4. It's true that we don't know what we've got until we lose it,
but it's also true that we don't know what we've been missing until it arrives.

5. Always put yourself in other's shoes.
If you feel that it hurts you, no doubt it probably hurts the other person, too.

6. The beginning of love is to let those we love be perfectly themselves, and not to twist them with our own image -
- otherwise, we love only the reflection of ourselves we find in them.

7. Maybe God wants us to meet a few wrong people before meeting the right one so that when we finally meet the right person, we should know how to be grateful for that gift.

8. It takes a minute to become infatuated with someone, an hour to like someone and a day to love someone -
but it takes a lifetime to forget someone.

9. Love is when you take away the feeling, the passion, the romance and you find out you still love the person.

10. A sad thing about life is when you meet someone who means so much to you only to find out that beloved one doesn't feel as you do, and you find yourself needing to choose between staying and feeling hurt, or letting go.

11. Love starts with a smile, develops with a kiss and ends with either a tear or an eternal embrace.

12. Love comes to those who still hope even though they've been disappointed, to those who still believe, even though they've been betrayed, to those who still love even though they've been deeply wounded before.

13. It hurts to love someone and not be loved in return, but what is the most painful is to love someone and never find the courage to let the person know how you feel.

14. There are things you love to hear but you would never hear it from the person whom you would like to hear it from,
but don't be deaf to hear it from the person who does say it to you with his heart.

15. When you were born, you were crying and everyone around you was smiling - live your life so that when you die, you're smiling and everyone around you is crying ~ tears of joy for having known you.

07-14-2001, 02:06 PM
I wanted to *bump* this thread a little and offer out hugs to anyone that needs them. I don't have the wealth of jokes the Verrain has (and thanks for keeping the candle bright!), but I'm always good for the hugs and the flirts.

Hope everyone is having a great weekend!!! It feels so GOOD to be back!

07-14-2001, 02:27 PM
{{{{{True Pisces}}}}} Welcome back, my friend! Between the humor and hugs we'll take on any blah's out there. Or at least try to inject a bit of silver lining into the cloud.

07-20-2001, 10:26 PM
An extra big hug for Arden, 'cause I know she needs it right about now. It's not my place to say why, I just know she needs to know that a lot of Dopers stand behind her and are there for her with the support she needs.

WE LOVE YOU [b]ARDEN[b]!!!!!!!!!

07-27-2001, 07:51 PM
Home is where you can say anything you like,
because nobody listens to you anyway.

Regular naps prevent old age,
especially if you take them while driving.

Sex is hereditary.
If your parents never had it, you won't either.

I don't approve of political jokes.
I've seen too many of them get elected.

I have learned there is little difference in wives,
you might as well keep the first.

There are two sides to every divorce:
Yours and shithead's.

If life deals you lemons, make lemonade;
if it deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Marys.

Travel is very educational.
I can now say 'Kaopectate' in seven languages.

Shopping tip:
You can get shoes for 85 cents at bowling alleys.

I am a nobody,
nobody is perfect,
therefore I am perfect.

No one ever says 'It's only a game,'
when their team is winning.

How come we choose from just two people for president and 50 for Miss America?

How long a minute is depends on which side of the bathroom door you're on.

Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.

Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

The next time you feel like complaining, remember: Your garbage disposal probably eats better than sixty percent of the people in this world.

Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

07-28-2001, 12:49 PM
I miss my baby. He's on vacation and I won't get to talk to him until Tuesday.



07-29-2001, 12:15 AM
{{{hardygrrl}}} ('cause I don't think a flirt from me would be quite what you need! ;) )

On a different note (slightly).....

Found out a few things today of which I'm not at liberty to say, but suffice it to say that lots of hugs are needed. I'm sure I'm not the only one, so anyone that does, pop your head in and we'll get a big old group hug going on, ok?

07-30-2001, 08:49 AM
Hugs needed indeed. Here's to you, kid.

{{{Group Hug of 2}}}

07-30-2001, 09:05 AM
{{hardygrrl}} {{everyone else}} My Email and ICQ is out there, my ear is always open, and hardy How YOU doin? :D

And now some humor, for that is what I do best.

Why I Didn't Show Up For Work

I had twelve bottles of whisky in my celler, and was told by my wife to
empty the contents of each bottle down the sink or else. So I said I
would, and proceeded with the unpleasant task.

I withdrew the cork from the first bottle and poured the contents down
the drain with the ecception of one glass, which I drank. I extracted
tho cork from the second bottle and did likewise, with the exception of
one glass, which I drank.

I then withdrew the cork from the third bottle and poured the whiskey
down the sink, with the exception of one glass, which I drank. I pulled
the cork from the fourth sink and poured the bottle down the glass which
I drank; pulled the bottle from the cork of the next and drank one sink
out of it and threw tho rest down the glass. I pulled the sink out ot
the next glass and poured the cork from the bottle. Then I corked the
sink with the glass, bottled the drank and drinked the pour. When I had
every one emptied, I steadied the house with one hand, counted the
bottles, corks, and glasses, and sinks with the other, which were 29,
and as the house came by I counted them again and finally had all the
houses in one bottle which I drank.

I was not under tho alcofluence of incohol, as some theople pink I was.

I was not as thunk as you might drink. I felt so feelish, I didn't know
who was me, and the drunker I stood thero the longer I got.


An elderly woman goes to the doctor and asks his help to revive
her husband's sex drive.

"What about trying Viagra?" asks the doctor.

"Not a chance," says Mrs. Murphy. "He won't even take an aspirin
for a headache."

"No problem," replies the doctor. "Drop it into his coffee, he
won't even taste it. Try it and come back in a week to let me
know how you got on."

A week later Mrs. Murphy returns to the doctor and he inquires as
to how things went.

"Oh it was terrible, just terrible doctor."

"What happened?" asks the doctor.

"Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee. The
effect was immediate. He jumped straight up, swept the cutlery
off the table, at the same time ripping my clothes off and then
proceeded to make passionate love to me on the tabletop. It was

"What was terrible?" said the doctor, "was the sex not good?"

"Oh no doctor, the sex was the best I've had in 25 years, but
I'll never be able to show my face in McDonald's again."

08-06-2001, 12:24 PM
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:
Oh Oracle, of winding explanations and unrelated answers:

If you pressure Nat King Cole enough, does he turn into Neil Diamond?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
Of course. Well spotted, dear metamorphic supplicant.

You'll also find that Metallica and Iron Maiden will be fashioned into

Hot Chocolate were dehydrated to form Eminem.

The Mammas and the Papas gave birth to - of course - The Offspring

Fortunately, Godsmack were miraculously transformed into Collective

Unfortunately, Bread just putrefied into Limp Bizkit.

98 Degrees was all that was left when Canned Heat burned out.

Pearl Jam are a direct descendent of the Blue Oyster Cult by way of
Preservation Hall.

Jewel was faceted for fame by The Cutting Room.

And Ruby Tuesday was originally a little poem composed on a Wednesday by
an unformed piece of impure carborundum.

You owe the Oracle a sequined segue.

08-06-2001, 03:31 PM

You know the story,so when I say that right now I could not feel any worse...

I don't need flirts right now. Maybe more kleenex but I need a pick-me-up more than you could ever imagine.

08-06-2001, 05:11 PM

I wish I could say it will get better soon, but I've been there myself, and I know it takes time. Be strong, know that you do have friends, and try to remember that you're doing what's best for YOU, in the long run. (And remember the truth in my sig... share if you need to - and ask for all the pick-me-ups you need. They're here...)

08-07-2001, 02:38 PM
{{{{{Tanya}}}}} I wish I checked in sooner, my friend. I'll be sure to seek you out on mail tonight if you want to tallk. In the meantime, a bit of humor.

Back in the bad old days when I was working in a fast food joint...

There was one female type person on the night crew. A very attractive young lady with a penchant for wearing mini-skirts. Needless to say, we did not object to this in the
least. In fact, we used to let her wipe down the tables up front, instead of slopping the french fryers and such. Admittedly one of our reasons was that in order to wipe down
the tables she had to lean far over them and stretch. Generally facing away from the counter.

This was when we learned that she tended to wear panties that matched her nail polish. No kidding! She came in one day with black nail polish with silver speckles, and it
turned out that she was wearing black panties with silver spangles. Another day, she came in wearing pink nail polish on one hand, and blue on the other. The panties
were blue on one cheek, and pink on the other.

But ... one evening ... great anticipation ... When would she EVER go out and wipe the tables ??? ... She came in to work, and she was wearing no nail polish!

She never did tables that night, and we never knew.

I suspect we were set up.

08-14-2001, 03:50 PM
Top Ten Things NOT To Say To The Cop Who Pulls You Over

10. Your so called "speed limits" mean nothing to me flatfoot. I live my life one quarter-mile at a time.

9. You again? I thought I lose you at that last red light.

8. Aren't you going to strip search me, big boy?

7. I am not the droid you're looking for. You don't need to see my papers.

6. Darn! My radar detector must be broken again.

5. You better hurry up with that ticket. Dunkin' Donuts closes in 15 minutes.

4. You're not going to search my trunk are you?

3. How about you watch my friend Ben Franklin while I get my

2. Sorry I was speeding officer, but your daughter said she had to be home by eleven.

1. Hey Barney! How are things in Mayberry?

08-14-2001, 04:01 PM
Top Ten Things NOT To Say To The Cop Who Pulls You Over

10. Your so called "speed limits" mean nothing to me flatfoot. I live my life one quarter-mile at a time.

9. You again? I thought I lose you at that last red light.

8. Aren't you going to strip search me, big boy?

7. I am not the droid you're looking for. You don't need to see my papers.

6. Darn! My radar detector must be broken again.

5. You better hurry up with that ticket. Dunkin' Donuts closes in 15 minutes.

4. You're not going to search my trunk are you?

3. How about you watch my friend Ben Franklin while I get my

2. Sorry I was speeding officer, but your daughter said she had to be home by eleven.

1. Hey Barney! How are things in Mayberry?

08-16-2001, 10:57 AM
On the UPS web page I see that UPS is the official delivery company of NASCAR.

I don't want NASCAR to use UPS. I want UPS to use NASCAR.

08-20-2001, 12:25 PM
They're everywhere. This one, according to today's New Haven Register, wasobserved in the Wallingford, CT post office:

A man walks into the Wallingford post office, says that he has just returned from vacation, and wants his mail. The clerk asks for ID. The man doesn't have any. The postal worker states that he needs to see some positive identification, and requests that the man return with ID. The man refuses. The clerk is adamant. The man starts yelling at the postal worker, and threatens to return with a police officer, and have the clerk arrested. The clerk stands firm; the man leaves. Amazingly, he returns with a cop.

Man: There he is, officer! Arrest that man!
Cop: What seems to be the problem here?
Clerk: [Explains situation to cop].
Cop: [Explains to man that clerk is doing his job correctly].
Man: You fat pig! You do nothing but sit around and eat donuts all day!
Cop: I see. Why won't the clerk give you your mail?
Man: He wants ID!
Cop: Do you have any?
Man: No! I told you- I just got back from vacation!
Cop: I see. And how did you get to the post office?
Man: I drove, of course!
Cop: Without a license? You're coming with me...

I love poetic justice. Don't you?

09-06-2001, 08:13 PM
Asked "What's the difference between a diplomat and a lady?"
the reply came:

If a diplomat says "yes", he means "Maybe".
If a diplomat says "Maybe", he means "No".
If a diplomat says "No", he's no diplomat.

But on the other hand,

If a lady says "No", she means "Maybe".
If a lady says "Maybe", she means "Yes".
If a lady says "Yes", she's no lady.

09-07-2001, 05:26 PM
I've just been feeling a little blah lately. Wouldn't mind if anyone had pick-me-up things to toss my way. Of course finding humor and touching things helps me a great deal but its nice to receive once in a while. I know all of you out have at least one joke or things that makes you smile locked away in your memories somewhere. Here's a few of mine.

The night six of my friends entered a dorm lounge with the heaviest Nerf weaponry known to man. Incoming!

The time we made the trip to the diner in daylight and realized we had never noticed the waterfall in over two years of driving at night.

The night driving back from the diner when our path was blocked by dear and the driver hopped out of the car screaming, "Venison! All of you venison!"

Seeing Batman break up a fight between Darth Vder and a Jedi.

Snuggling up with the first cat that ever accepted me.

My mother actually crocheting me an 18ft long Doctor Who scarf. Laughing when my uncle aksed if I was prone to throat colds. Smiling as me and two friends wrapped up it in and went walking.

Walking in the fog with my then girlfriend and loving fog ever since.

Any little moments to share out there?

09-26-2001, 12:29 PM
Just in need of one today. I think walking out of Penn Station, seeing all the flyers every day, and walking by the local Station Houses (Fire and Police, both next to my job, each a street apart, so I walk by one of them no matter which entrance I use) has really started taking it's toll on me. So, I can use some hugs, jokes, flirts -- any kind of pick-me-ups you're willing to give.

Though the best would be if I had someone physically here right now for a real, long hug. :(

Don't mean to be a bummer. I'm sorry.

09-26-2001, 02:25 PM
Dost mine eyes deceive me? Did you just apologize for being a "bummer?" Get over here, hon! {{{{{{{{{{TP}}}}}}}}

I know what you mean about the posters and papers and news, etc.... I have stopped watching TV, stopped buying newspapers, turned away from the posters, and basically turned myself off from all of this. If anything big happens, someone will tell me, or I'll read about it here on the boards.

Just relax, curl up, drink some hot cocoa because it's frikkin' cold out (with or without a spike, as you see fit), and wait for lurker to come visit :)

09-26-2001, 03:03 PM
Thanks, Steph. I needed that. Hot cocoa sounds like just the thing today.


09-26-2001, 05:51 PM
Verrain of Verrain's Big Ol Hug Thread is at your service, True Pisces. I offer my arms to you and pull you in close and warm. My hands smooth over your back as I murmur soothing sounds, softly rubbing my cheek against yours. I rest your head on my shoulder and gently stroke your hair, letting you draw strength from me. Only when you are ready do I give you a final squeeze and step back with a smile.

Hang in there my friend. And with luck, I'll be able to give you one of those for real some weekend soon.

10-09-2001, 06:44 PM
What He's Looking For

When I was 14 I hoped that one day I would have a

When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no

So I decided I needed a passionate girl with zest
for life.

In University I dated a passionate girl, but she was
too emotional.

Everything was an emergency, she was a drama queen,cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.

When I was 21 I found a very stable girl, but she
was boring.

She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything.

Life became so dull that I decided I needed a girl with some excitement.

When I was 25 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her.

She rushed from one thing to another, never settling
on anything.

She did mad, impetuous things and flirted with everyone
she met. She made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some ambition.

When I turned 28 I found a smart, ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.

I am now 34 and am looking for a girl with very big tits.

Arden Ranger
10-09-2001, 07:50 PM
Alright. It's my turn to be needy.

I'm not in school this semester because I had dumbasses for advisors and now I'm fighting with Financial Aid.

Knew people that were killed 9/11, and while I can't wrap my mind around the sheer magintude of it, that whole thing opened up a lot of painful memories from the Murrah bombing. Don't want to talk about it anymore. I don't want to cry about it anymore, and most of all, I want to be able to sleep without seeing it anymore. I've developed an aversion to CNN.

I got tired of the SO's mood swings and the fact that his fun job was not paying the bills after we lost our house two months ago. My savings would only go so far and I used the last of it moving into the new apartment.

He went to OKC to find a job. We're not going with him. Jr. Ranger I cannot switch schools in the middle of a semester without losing credit for this semester and my emotionally disturbed son would have a hell of a time with another move that took him from Stillwater and his school where he is very comfortable and doing so well, notto mention the hell that would be a new custody hearing with his father. Even if I was willing to follow the sure to be former SO to OKC, which I am currently in no mood to do. I'm still trying to decide if the benefits outweigh the shit.

My boss, who hasn't been able to pay me in over two months (which wasn't that big a deal when the SO was managing to keep things paid and I was willing to be patient while he got things worked out) just informed me this afternoon that he's calling it quits, closing his business. It is now a big deal because I'm supporting myself and two kids. I'll probably never see the money he owes me.

So, I have no job, no live support system, most of my local friends have moved, and I am flat broke. If not for the loans I have had gotten from a couple of people, I would have already been without a roof this month. At least I have gas in the car that isn't even mine to job hunt, but it isn't looking good.

I feel myself falling back into the pit of depression I dug myself out of 6 years ago and I don't seem to be able to stop it. I'm tired all the time and I spend far too much time trying not to cry.

I can't believe I am back in this 'special place' yet again. This isn't me. I'm a happy person. Secure in who and what I am. I'm not like that right now. I want me back.

10-10-2001, 05:19 AM

Hon, if anyone has a reason to be down right now, it's you. Don't berate yourself because you are. You will get through all of this, because you are strong. But don't confuse being strong with being happy all the time. Being strong means knowing who you can turn to when the chips are down. Even if it's for something as simple as a hug or a chance to talk things out. You've got my e-mail, so if you need to, drop me a line whenever.

I just wish I could hug you IRL, but since I can't, here's another virtual one....


10-10-2001, 08:33 AM
I don't know what to say other than I will be thinking of you and wishing you the best.

Arden Ranger
10-10-2001, 09:25 AM
Thanks guys.

I'm hitting the pavement again today and going to open a new bank account with the child support check I got last week. I can't cash it at the old bank where Richard and I had a joint account because his last paycheck from his 'fun job' bounced and now there's a negative balance in that account that I sure as hell can't cover right now.

I guess I'm going to have to go pay a visit to DHS to get through this, but I don't know how much help they're going to be with things like the rent.

Hopefully I can get through today without crying again.

10-10-2001, 09:44 AM
If you cry today, Arden, just tell yourself that at least it wasn't as much as yesterday. And remember that you aren't letting the circumstances paralyze you. You are doing something about it, and that's what's important. They may be small steps, and they may not all work out, but you are trying, and that means that you are winning.


'Cause you can never have too many hugs!!!

10-21-2001, 08:07 PM
I don't know why - no reason in particular, I guess, but I really need hugs and shoulders right now. I'm in the mood for a soul-cleansing cry (we all need those sometimes, I think) and would appreciate just a shoulder and a hug from any Doper who feels the need to give one.

And some strength in getting up in the morning to go to work. At this point, I don't feel like I really want to.

Arden Ranger
10-21-2001, 08:14 PM
What say we hug each other, cry on each other's shoulders, and share a mug of hot chocolate with marshmallows?

11-20-2001, 07:59 AM

Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen nuggets. "We don't have half dozen nuggets," said the teenager at the counter. "You don't?" I replied. "We only have six, nine, or twelve," was the reply. "So I can't order a half-dozen nuggets, but I can order six?" "That's right." So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets.

The paragraph above doesn't amaze me because of what happened a couple of months ago. I was checking out at the local Foodland with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. picked up one of those "Dividers" that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed. After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the "Divider" looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it. Not finding the bar code she said to me "Do you know how much this is?" and I said to her "I've changed my mind, I don't think I'll buy that today." She said "OK" and I paid her for the things and left. She had no clue to what had just happened.....


A lady at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly. When inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM "thingy".


I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. Do you need some help?" I asked. She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenient store) would have a battery to fit this?" "Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm too?" I asked. "No, just this remote thingy," she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk.

Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?" "Just use copier machine paper," the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five "blank" copies.

I was in a car dealership a while ago, when a large motor home was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in "Twister." I asked the manager what
had happened. He told me that the driver had set the "cruise control" and then went in the back to make a sandwich.

Sign in a gas station: Coke -- 49 cents. Two for a dollar.

IDIOTS & COMPUTERS... My neighbor works in the operations department in the central office of a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have problems with their computers. One night he got a call from a woman in one of the branch banks who had this question: "I've got smoke coming from the back of my terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?"

IDIOTS ARE EASY TO PLEASE: I was sitting in my science class, when the teacher commented that the next day would be the shortest day of the year. My lab partner became visibly excited, cheering and clapping. I explained to her that the amount of daylight changes, not the actual amount of time. Needless to say, she was very disappointed.

Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.

"Life is tough. It's tougher if you're stupid."

naughty wicked zoot
11-20-2001, 10:23 AM
Arden things can only get better. lots of hope and positive thoughts going your way from castle anthrax, and zootdog says cheer up or he'll stick his cold nose in your armpit. {{{{{{{arden}}}}}}}

TP some for you, too!!! and zootdogs nose is cold enough for two armpits. {{{{[b]TP[b/]}}}}

11-20-2001, 05:10 PM
Verrain, you have a way with humor that warms me even at my lowest. Keep it comin'! {{Verrain}}

zoot, anything but cold zootdog nose! :D {{zoot}}

Thanks, all for the pick-me-ups. Things are a little better right now.

11-26-2001, 07:55 AM

"Whew, that's one terrific spread!"

"Talk about a huge breast!"

"If I don't undo my pants, I'll burst!"

"Just spread the legs and stuff it in."

"Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people?"

"I didn"t expect everyone to come at once!"

"You still have a little bit on your chin."

"It'll pop up when it's ready."

"Wow, I didn't think I could handle all of that!"

"Just lay back and take it easy...I'll do the rest."

11-27-2001, 06:29 PM
Verrain, you find the best ones every time!

A hug going out to a friend who I know needs this. Just because.